A Sunday in Bed

I woke up early this morning, just before 8. The plan was to fix my hair, which I had rolled last night, and go to church. I felt hideous. I shut off the alarm and went back to bed. I've been up twice to go to the bathroom, once to get coffee and the muffin I bought yesterday for today's breakfast. the rest of the day I have sat here in bed waiting for time to pass. It has just gone past the lunch hour. I've been looking at movies to watch but actually, I can't get past the first five or 10 minutes of anything. I've switched several times.

I was reading something, not a novel, just a devotional, around 9 o'clock and out of the blue this amazing . . . vision if you will, rushed at me of me running to meet Jerry and throwing my arms around him and he spinning me around. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No idea why or whence it came. It was cruel and painful and ripped me to shreds. I've been here in bed for hours and I do not know when I will be able to get up and face reality. I do not want to get up. I do not want to think. And I do not want to hear platitudes. If one more person tells me it will get better, they're going to find out how many swear words I actually learned listening to Daddy when he drank.

I want to get something to eat but nothing appeals to me. There isn't really anything in the fridge to fix. I've let it get empty. I'm going to give my large freezer to Dave and Becca. They have use for it. If I need anything else, I'll just find me a small chest type. I have a few things in the refrigerator freezer but I usually fill it up with ice trays. I drink a lot of iced tea, sodas, and water.

I also have a cold... nose was all stuffy for several days now. I think I should go see about food. It really is too much bother, though. I'm just really very tired.

And yes, I'm taking the stuff for depression. I'm not depressed. I don't know what I am. Hollow, empty, dejected, filled with an unendurable sense of loss, a sense of never finding my way back, shrouded in a mist that clears briefly but then shrouds me in a thick cloud.

I tired to sleep but couldn't get to sleep. Kat called around 1 and I talked with her for a bit. I am afraid I was not much in a chatting mood. I was very down but it was a good thing to have to think not think about my own life and laugh at some of the things she has seen while she was there. We, of course, talked about writing and how we were going to handle the next set of scenes in the Inkwell. Initially we had intended to be done by now but life interfered. So we'll be stretching it out for at least another week. We've both been working on things that will fill the week up and I hope by next weekend we can get the culmination out there.

I think we've both got a lot of stuff from this experience and we're read to move to another idea or story line.

I finally fixed something to eat about 2. I was beginning to feel strange and figured I should probably eat and see it I felt better. I don't know if I did or not. I feel very disconnected and not sure what that means.

Then, I decided to take the rollers out and fix my hair. I hate it. It looks horrible. I don't like it at all but it 's up and shall remain. I think part of it is that I looked in the mirror and realized I look old today. I didn't recognized myself for a minute. And all the white hair that was visible on the rollers was a real shock. I hadn't noticed when I was rolling it last night but this morning, there was the nearly white head of hair in the front. I wasn't happy with it and it only served to feed an already bad mood.

I'm still in bed. I have to dress in a couple of hours but until then, I'll stay right here. I need to get something to drink too as I may be a bit dehydrated. I've had two cups of coffee, one glass of juice and a glass of iced tea all day... well, except for the water when I took my pills.

This is a totally worthless, depressing post. Sorry, I can't fix it.

That's All I've Got to Say

I'm working.

I appear to have a head cold.

I was in bed before 10 last night.

It's Friday.

Yay.

Wednesday Why

Why indeed. Wednesday, the mid point of chaos and confusion. A week so busy I'm rarely aware of the time passing until I check the clock and see I've forgotten lunch. Fortunately, it is lunch time when I check but to actually get to lunch without being frustrated that it is taking too long to reach it is quite odd.

I'm going to the Y tonight for the pool workout. It does help a little bit but I'm not really motivated. Why should I care how I look or feel or if I am healthy? I'm not going to get better in that area. So who cares. It doesn't really seem to improve and honestly, there is no one to really consider anymore but me. I had Reese cups for supper last night. I ate until I was tired of them. I skipped breakfast. Had junk food for a snack before lunch. Ate more junk food after lunch. Not much because I wasn't actually hungry. But when I looked at it I thought, why not? I'm just going to die anyway of something and depriving myself of things I like and want to do is just a waste of effort. No one to care how I look but me... and I don't so much anymore.

So if I don't want to take a walk why bother? If I don't want to get up, why should I? If I want to leave paper all over the floor, why shouldn't I? It really doesn't matter. And I am amazed that it all makes sense to me now. I don't have to wash the dishes until I feel like it or need something. That's is not going to happen often since I eat an average of a meal a day.

I don't have to sweep, mop or dust. Why bother? I don't! Never again do I have to care about how things look or smell or feel. I clean up if I know someone is coming. Laundry is piled on the spare bed. Why put it away? I just pull it out again. I'm washing now but it can just lay in the basket when it's done. It's only sheets and towels.

I'll have tons of time to do nothing but sit and stare at the television screen or computer screen. I can play games until bedtime. I can write if I want. Or not. Who blinking cares anyway.

Not me.

Huh, I'm already dead, I guess.

Swimmingly

Just got back from the Y and I am going to find food. Wasn't hungry before but am now! My shoulder is painful but no more than usual so I guess it doesn't matter. We'll see tomorrow. I have PT in the morning. I did not do the exercises that put a strain on the muscles that hurt. Some I couldn't do had I wanted to try. Major pain to row backward. No back stroke either.

I'm gone until tomorrow. I'm missing the writing sessions with Kat. So I am going to go in there and after I eat I'm going to do one without feedback. We'll see how it goes. I know she is probably going crazy anyway being without any computer at all. LOL, bet she comes home wanting to write non-stop.

Which brings me to a question. I'll be gone on this cruise for 5 days. I am debating taking my laptop. I can't imagine not writing for five days! It is just not good. No blogs, no stories, NOTHING! Almost makes me thing twice about it. Oh yes it does. Writing has kept me sane for the last year. It is my new drug of choice. So, anyone ever take a laptop on a cruise? LOL.

Ok, I'm really hungry and tired. Glad I got my shower at the Y. I shall leave you all to contemplate and I'll fill my plate.

Dark Ages

Yes, I think we are there again. Look outside! Gloomy gray clouds, colder by the minute, threats of rain or snow. Yucky day! And yesterday was so promising.

I got up at my usual time this morning. No, I had no trouble going to sleep last night, despite my having a nap from 3- 7 last night! Amazing. I thought sure I'd not sleep at all. I'm glad I did. Must have been exceptionally tired.

Tonight is the Y exercise class. I may go a bit early and see if I can get on a machine for a while. I really need to start toning up. I've lost a few pounds since Jerry died and some things are just not looking too good. Remember the video blog about the mirror thing? Yeah.

Ok, going now because work is calling. Only three and a half hours to go so maybe I can get through it.

Some out there, please send sunlight!