Happy New Year......

2010 has arrived. I saw it arrive alone. I suspect, if I live long enough, there will be many more I see arrive, alone. I should have gone to bed and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I didn't

I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.

I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.

First Laugh of the Morning

I opened my email this morning to find this. I found it truly funny.

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

Four Days of . . .?

Good question. I have planned to have the kids over tomorrow night for pizza and to see the new year in. But after that, I really want to just do my own thing. I want to work in my edit job and maybe write some other things.

But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.

So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.

I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.

I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.

Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.

Long Dark Night

I don't understand sometimes why breathing seems such a chore. Why is waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult? There is an expression that came to my mind while I was writing that: the long dark night of the soul. I looked it up. Although I've heard it for years, I realized that I didn't really understand what it meant. I do now.

There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)

I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.

I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.

I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).

A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.

But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.

Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.

The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.

Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.

Monday Morning Yuck

Gray skies, nothing but gray skies do I see!

Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?

It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.

I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.

I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.

I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!

Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.

I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.