Good-by October, Hello NaNo

I am very depressed tonight. I've had far too much chocolate for one thing. It is why I seldom bring it into the house anymore. I just eat and eat it.

NaNoWriMo starts in about three hours and I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It is as if I am walled in and can't see, hear, or feel anything. I don't like it. I have lost so much in the last ten months. Most of it I can't remember.

I said once that I felt as if I were being pulled into the grave with Jerry. There is still that sense of a weight around me that I can't shake. Always the phrase that spins round and round in my head is "I want my life back. I want my life back. I want my life back." It is the sound a train makes as it travels along, or the sound a car makes on those long concrete roads, the sound a rocking chair makes as it rocks on old floors. Eventually, you are just lulled to sleep.

When he began to get so sick, and I failed to see it at the time, I was saying the same thing. I want my life back. He was never awake, never there when it mattered. He was missing so much of our life, of the boys, of Sarah. I saw what it was doing to him but couldn't ever seem to connect it with anything that made sense. I wanted OUR life back. I wanted him to be normal again. I wanted us to be normal. I wanted him to BE him. How could I have missed it all that time? How? Guess it doesn't matter anymore.

November 1 will be here soon. I don't shatter into a million pieces anymore... well, not very often. I don't become ill. . . very often. I don't break down.... very often. There are trade offs, however. I can't think. I can't really afford to feel anything. I avoid memories that otherwise might be pleasant. I don't talk about it more than absolutely necessary. But I can walk through my day with reasonable calm and get home totally wasted from exhaustion. Maintaining a facade is a lot of work.

I believe I've said before that I've always had a knack for acting. Wanted to be an actress growing up. I used to do lots of school plays before high school and did a few church plays as an adult. I was very good at it. Now it is paying off. I pretend my life is normal. I pretend I'm just peachy. I pretend I can function as usual. Everything is copacetic. Jerry used that word a lot in the military. Very satisfactory. Actually, everything is closer to snafu. Situation normal, all fouled up. My life.

So, I will attend the NaNo kick-off party tomorrow afternoon but I do not know if I will do any writing at all. I have nothing to write about. No clue, no plan, no ideas. And tonight, before it begins, I'm just really tired. I'm going to bed soon. It will be along day. Church at 10:00 a.m., Kick-off at 1:00 p.m., church again at 7:00 p.m.. I do not know if I will make it to all of that but must try.

Now, time for bed.

Assault on the Senses

You will note that I have changed my photo background and banner to violently autumn photos. I truly believe autumn is meant to be like that. A violent assault on all our senses.

It slashes our eyes with vivid colors, assails our noses with purely autumn scents, attacks our body with clear, frosty knives of chilling cold. Even our breath becomes white smoke that drifts on a breeze filled with the scent of burning fires. Autumn is an assault on the senses, indeed!

At least it should be. But we've had October blahs and gloom for weeks. Even the last day of the month began dark and overcast. Only now, after noon, had the sun appeared. November rolls in tomorrow and I feel as if I'm missed the fall completely. Leaves are on the ground everywhere and not much of color remains. Yuk.

Still, maybe I should go out and ride around and look for colors. Waste gas, waste time, have my senses assaulted? Why not.



Note: for Blogger and FB users: This post is from my website where the photos are visible.: http://dixiegirlsplace.multiply.com/

A Bat Story

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in
hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"


Hope you have a fun weekend.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was my birthday and it was a special day in a lot of ways because of wonderful friends. My friend at work, Carolyn, gave me a Snuggle because we both read and she knows exactly what a reader needs in the winter! It even has a book light. Carolyn never forgets my birthday. We've worked together for 10 years and just get along really well. Her son died September last year before Jerry died. We've spend most of our lunches together this year. It helps.

I have to say the biggest surprise today was in the form of flowers. I don't get flowers much anymore. Jerry used to buy them when money allowed. So, when these arrived I was stumped.



Imagine my surprise when I saw that my friend, Jilly, sent them to me. I was so thrilled I went all over the building telling everyone. They were all suitably surprised. Jilly and I have been friends now for about three years! We met on Yahoo and I was so lucky the day she added me to her list of friends. Thank you, my wonderful friend.




After lunch, I was at work when I began to have a problem with my vision. I was seeing flashing lights and had trouble seeing any way except straight ahead. I called the eye doctor and they said come in immediately. I did. On the way the flashing lights turned to swirls. I could still see but only straight ahead clearly.

After about an hour of examination, dilation, and more examination he concluded I was having an ocular migraine! I've had this happen once before but it was late at night and I thought maybe I'd over worked my eyes. So I went to bed. This was at work and it freaked me out. He sent me home and said lie down in a dark room. He also said i was fortunate in that I didn't have the headache that often accompanies these.

This is a new thing for me. I do have migraines but have not had but one since I had the cervical block last year. However, I've been having lots of neck pain this week and was even not well yesterday because of the fibro. And tonight, I do have a headache. Right in front along my brow line and in my eye sockets. I feel bruised, as if I've been reading too much. I am going to bed shortly.

My sister brought cake earlier tonight. A carrot cake. Me, Dave, Becca, Sarah, and my sister Phyllis all had cake. Sarah had been with Phyllis for a couple of hours at McDonalds and then the library. They have a large "ship" in the children's section. Sarah said it was "Hoogh". LOL. She also sang happy birthday to me!

Altogether a nice day, despite the discomforts. Thanks to a little help from my friends.

To My Wonderful Multiply Friends

Thanks to all of you for the good wishes on my birthday. They are the best gifts!

My birthday will be spent at work so it will go fast and quietly... that's probably for the best. Not sure fanfares that I'm 53 today are what I want. . . I don't feel that way.

When I got up I didn't have as much pain this morning and that is either because I got more sleep yesterday or because I prayed for relief or both. But today, I feel, in my head at least, like this 20 year old who had been thrown out on her own and doesn't have a clue. It is scary.

Cathy doesn't have her guest book feature turned on her page but if you get a change to welcome her, please do, even if it is in my comments. We've gone to the same church for a long time but only met a few times because her illness keeps her home. I think we've grown closer here! She is very sweet and I've enjoyed her notes and emails. I'm going to arrange a lunch some time so we can actually talk face to face!

I'm sorry you are having so much pain, Cathy. I will be saying a prayer for you today. I put my meds right by my bed. When I get up I take them and when I start to get ready for bed. That's how my time line falls. You might try that with your pain patch. I don't know if it is daily or weekly but having it in the same place at the same time does help me remember. My hormone patch is a weekly patch and I sometimes for get it too!

Again, thanks for the Birthday wishes! I love all of you so much. The last 10 months would have been a very dark place without all of you holding my hand.