Free Evening....Maybe

Wow. I had a very productive time at work! Got CAUGHT UP! Current is so cool. I got a whole 10.5 hrs this week and about the same last week. That will pay a bill!
 
Do I seem a bit excited? I hate working two jobs but I am so tired of the money problems I just about can't stand it.
 
Someone did get the cobwebs down while I was working, by the way. Imagine that.
 
Well, I won't give you any more whine and cheese. Free the rest of the day. Now if I can just get people out of my hair. I might have a nice evening.
 
Yeah, right, like that is gonna happen.

Cobwebs and Candor

Saturday, yippee! Yeah, right. Not.

I have a horrible lower back ache and no clue as to why. I have to go have blood work done and since I have NO veins that won't be fun either. Then, I have to go to my second job and spend the afternoon working. I have not got time to clean house or do any of the things I need or want to do. I would love to sit here and write. I would love to clean the cobwebs hanging from the ceiling of my bedroom.

I am so PO'd.

I came in from the day job at five yesterday. Now remember, I have to be at the second job at six. My unemployed husband says, what do you want for supper? This is two nights in a row. I come home and I am supposed to figure out what is for supper, get it cooked, and get to work by six.

This morning I pointed out that during the down times when he is trying to figure out what to do around here he might like to sweep out the cobwebs from the bedroom. He looks and says, "The whole house needs it.

I looked back at him and say, "Gee, ya think?"

He didn't like it.

Blessings, Curses, and Wars

I am reading a book called Blessing or Curse: You can Chose. It was written by Derek Prince. I have read this book three times. The first time was about seven years ago. I was in great distress and contemplating suicide. What I learned about blessings and curses truly saved my life. I won't go into detail but let me just say he teaches that some of the problems we have in life may be the result of curses that have descended through our families, thorough our actions or words, or through inactions.

Now I know there are those who will immediately say this is not scriptural, that grace has cured everything. However, since this book uses scripture to support the premise, I will respectfully disagree. Besides, I know what I have experienced. I was dying.

I had personal problems and my life was going down the tubes pretty quickly. I was in my late 30's, had graduated college only about three years before but we had both lost our jobs and had been unemployed for about 2 years. I was so depressed and so I just started looking for a way out that would be painless. I even began to plan it.

I reached a point where I sat down in my bedroom, crying and told God I felt cursed and I needed help because I didn't believe Christians could be cursed. And less than a month later I found this book. I followed the instructions carefully. Within six month we were both employed and I was getting well spiritually, mentally and physically. Life actually became pretty good. And after two years, things were great.

So why am I reading it again? Because sometimes we forget things. Sometimes things happen to drag us down. Either way, we sometimes go back to self destructive habits, thoughts, and behaviors. I think I have been doing that and that for some time have over extended myself. I also think I have allowed things to happen that should not have happened, not obviously, just the "little foxes".

I guess I have just not been paying attention. And God is always so patient with me. But at some point I have to say I am responsible for what happens to me. It is not always someone else's fault. Life doesn't just happen. We make it.

So, I am rereading this book again. And I expect something good to happen. Maybe that is what it is all about. Being vigilant, watching for trouble spots, and once the enemy is identified, become agressive in attacking it. We are at war.

"12. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12 (New King James Version)

New King James Version (NKJV) Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Pressure Release Valve

As usual, so very late! I am on my way to bed but I am going to make myself write something on the blog. My day was busy but fairly upbeat. I didn't have that bout of depression again.

I am just so frustrated about money. I have so much hanging over my head right now that I am not able to really do anything close to buying enough food to feed us all for more than a few days. It gets very scary when the fridge is empty and your family says, "Uh, what am I supposed to eat?"

Don't get me wrong. Under normal conditions I can buy food, pay the bills and put a bit back. I have never asked anyone for money and don't intend to start now. But I have sure done a lot of praying lately for it. I hate praying for money. Unfortunately, the last several years, with just me working, Jerry in and out of the hospital and doctor's offices, Dave and Becca not having jobs, and car problems it is pretty difficult this last year.

And she is pregnant and has to eat right and she had no clothes... so I bought material from a second hand shop I go to and made her some in the evenings after work. They were able to get food stamps but I don't really know how far $150 in groceries will go in a month. And that doesn't help me much. They come over here and I feed them when they don't have enough but tonight, everything in my upright freezer fit into my 2 cu ft freezer in my refridgerator.

I keep telling myself I am not managing it well but I don't know what else I can do but pay the bill and then buy groceries if there is enough left. I have not bought groceries except immediate items like milk, cheese, eggs or bread. I had a freezer full of meat where I borrowed the money about a month ago. It's nearly gone now.

I gotta get off here. Depressing just thinking about it all. I will do better tomorrow.

I just hate living like this.

White Walls

There are places you reach where the road comes to an end, and you can neither go left nor right. These are places that require you to turn around and retrace your steps to see if you can discover where you took the wrong turn.

You thought you were moving in the right direction. Everything seemed just fine. There were no problems you could detect, no difficulties you couldn’t conquer, and yet, here you are at a dead end.

These places are confusing because, in your mind, they shouldn’t be there. You presumed you did everything right. All your I’s were dotted, all your t’s were crossed. It is inconceivable that you could ever be standing staring at a blank wall with no way through, around, under or over.

And yet, there it is.

I have walked this path many times and each time I think it will be the last. Every time I think I am moving in the right direction and all seems to be going well. There were no problems, no difficulties that were insurmountable. It is confusing and inconceivable that I should be here again.

And yet, here I am.

This morning I felt I had turned a corner and there was light ahead. It was just a white wall.

Looking for House Fairies & Feeling No Pain

I can't believe how much better I feel since they increased my medicine by one pill. I have to take the metheltrixate - four pills one time a week. I usually do it on Wednesdays. Just because I got the prescription on Wednesday.

Initially I took three pills but two weeks ago my doctor raised it to four pills. The difference in pain relief was amazing. I just notices on Sunday that I was not hurting everywhere. I had a back ache but I think that is just where I was doing my usual household chores.

Now if I can just get some sleep! I think I am sleeping a bit better just not enough. I don't wake up with my feet hurting and my knees hurting. And I don't have to walk like an old lady.

Today, life feels much better. Now, if the fairies will just get the house clean and the yard clean....

Famous Last Words

I was just pondering phrase/paragraphs that could be used as Famous Last Words. I decided to see how many I could devise. So, here goes my first effort.

"I wonder how this works?"

"I wonder what happens when you push this button?"

"What is this little ring hanging from it?"

"I wonder how fast will this thing will really go?"

"Maybe we should go back and get the helmet."

"Oops, uh, guys, this knob just came off in my hand."

"Gimme a match."

"Yes, dear, I am sure I turned off the iron."

"I wonder why someone unplugged the toaster?"

"I better turn on the lights so we can see why this floor is flooded."

"I think if I just move it a bit to the right..."

"Wonder where this road leads?"

"It doesn't look very high."

'It doesn't look dangerous."

"I am sure it is not very deep."

"I don't think it will hurt you."

"We'll come right back."

"No problem, all dogs love me."

"Who needs directions!"

Ok, if you can think of any others please share them with me.

A Princess Wows Her Subjects

Our little girl is growing. Sarah Cheyenne appears to be rehearsing for her big debute onto the world stage. She appears to be looking directly at the camera. I hope she will look at the world the same way, with clear eyes and courage.

In the second one you can see a small fist raised. I think she was trying to get her thumb in her mouth. Her daddy sucked his thumb, too, so it won't be a surprise if she does. Her uncle Mike did also.

We had to get a fixture placed in Mike's mouth to stop him. We simply gave Dave a choice. We said, "You can stop on your own or we can get you the mouth fixture to help you stop." He said he would do it on his own. And he did. He was only 5 but in about three months he stopped completely with no help from us other than an occassional glance and grin.

I think they will be doing one more ultrasound before she gets here. I will post them if they do. But the next photos may be of the the new princess.

Jerry was sick all week having chills and fever. This morning he got up and told me he knew what was wrong. He had a kidney infection. He went to the er and they are pumping him full of Cipro. He saw a urologist this afternoon.

I have to work in the morning and so I probably should go to bed. More news later.

Restless Natives

I have done several post lately of fictional stuff, just for the fun of it and because it struck me at that moment. I have found when I allow myself to do that I am a bit more focused on writing.

But I am still letting my work in progress languish. I am over worked and have filled up my time with too many projects. It is a fault of mine. I never want to be bored or have nothing to do. So I have all these projects to complete. I have now reached the update point for 2 websites, writing on two blogs (stupid idea that is), I have baby clothes to sew and things to crochet, I have a 40 hour a week job and just took another that will probably end up being about 5 hrs a week once I get all the backlog done. Friday and Saturday I worked 10 hours at the second job and did my bank statment -- no mean or fun feat.

Did I say I was over booked here? I probably need someone to give me some time management training but that would require a third job so I think we will just leave that for another life. Tomorrow I go back to the day job.

I think mentally I feel better than I have in a while. I actually felt rested when I got home tonight! Crazy, right? Well, not if you knew my household. As Mama used to say, "They are a bunch of wild Indians!"

Jerry and Mike fight no matter what it is about or where they are at the time. If they aren't arguing they are out running the roads looking for the next big deal in cars or at Walmart.

Dave and Becca just love to be around me so they come over. At which time Mike and David will invariably get into it, too. Dave & Becca just moved out two weeks ago but I don't think they are very happy in the apartment. Noisy neighbors at 3 a.m. Thankfully they don't come over then!

So, the house is usually full of people. And a part of me loves that. I never recovered from leaving home and a large extended family to just four of us in strange towns. Growing up there were aunts, uncles, cousins, and various great & grand relatives. They are mostly dead now and all the cousins lost. And a big hole in my spirit because of it. So, when the kids are here and the house is noisy... I feel at home.

But I do need to breath once in awhile. I guess when little Sarah Cheyenne gets here she and I will seek a quiet corner somewhere to have a meaningful conversation and get to know one another while the other Indians are doing their war dance in the other end of the house. At least, I hope so.

Flash Fiction on Sunday Afternoon

It was a smokey room with no windows and it smelt of stale beer and cheap cigarettes. The one bonus was that it was 30 degrees cooler than the night shrouded parking lot she had just left and probably a thousand degrees cooler than her flaming Chevy a hundred yards down the road.

The ancient juke box in the back was playing an equally ancient song that she recognized. It had been on the hit parade when she was 10 and going through her country music phase. The voice was as smokey as the room... what was that guy's name? She remembered she had loved his music but it was long forgotten now.

"What can I get ya, Babe?"

Now there was a line to get a girl's attention. From the cave-like booth where he crouched, he squinted glazed eyes at her through a cloud of smoke that boiled from his mouth, probably from the stygian depths of his soul. Betweet slack, wet lips she saw a flash of sparkling white teeth just before he stoked the fire again. Oh yeah, he was hot, all right, just smokin'.

"A phone book and phone would be great." She directed her attention toward where she hoped the bartender was in residence. Den was an appropriate term if this guy was any example. She had a sinking feeling that the night might not get better.

"Hey, Babe, I'll give you my number, you ain't gotta look it up."

She looked back and found that her imagination was taking over and Jaba the Hutt was leering at her. Great, just what she needed. She could only hope he was as hampered walking as the original Hutt had been because she was no Princess Leia and there was not going to be a Luke Skywalker or Han Solo appear to rescue her.

She moved toward the end of the bar, supressing a grin. She wouldn't mind Han Solo rushing in and grabbing her up. Of course it was Skywalker who always did the dashing moves, levitating while brandishing a sword at the bad guy with a girl on his other arm. No, Solo was just handing out the grins, hugs, and kisses in dark corners of the Falcon. She sighed. There weren't going to be any heros in this tale. She just had a bad feeling about it.

"Excuse me," she said as the bartender moved her way, "do you have a phone book. My car just blew up and I need a tow."

His eyes widened and his mouth formed an O before he replied, "Honey, you won't get a tow tonight, not around here. You are 75 miles from a real town and the only garage we have locally is run by that slug you passed on the way in. And he is in no shape to drive anyone anywhere unless it is to hell."

I turned back to stare at the Hutt. He grinned a whisky grin and wiggled his fingers at me. Oh God, the night was not going well at all. What little space she had acquired between her and trouble just went up in smoke.

Don't Make Me Blush!

Went to the doctor today for a follow-up. She gave me samples of a med called Niaspan. It is a time released formula of Niacin, supposedly better tolerated since it is time released. I have the most terrible side effect.

Regular niacin can cause flushing of the skin, itching and burning. I took it years ago and had a mild reaction to it. It is not pleasant. I had the reaction on the Niaspan tonight. Within 30 minutes of taking it I looked like I had been dropped in oil and felt that someone had covered me with a million fire ants. Itching, burning and severe redness were full blown in less than 2 minutes after onset of the symptoms.

I called the pharmacy to see if there is anything I could do. There wasn't and I needed to watch for an additional thing. If I had trouble breathing I was to go immediately to the ER. And since this was time release... I might have repeating occurances all night long. Nice, huh? He recommended a cool shower to see if it helped with burning. It did while I was in the shower and an aspirin. But I can't stay in the shower all night! He didn't know why the aspirin helped but he said he had found it did. I was game by then so tried it.

I called the doctor and she said pretty much what the pharmacist said but also said I could take an benedryl for the itching. So, I have gone from one additional pill to three!

Well, after about an hour it began to taper off. I got less red, less itching, and burning. Lasted about 30 minutes and then started again. This time it was not so severe. At the moment it is tapering off again. I guess we will see what happens. I have to go to bed because I am tired but I don't know if sleep will be possible.

I have discovered a new meaning to the phrase, "Don't make me blush!"

Passing on Excitement

Today Dave and Becca are moving into their apartment. I don't think either of them is thrilled because they don't have money or jobs and it is not the nicest thing to have to live in the projects. Unfortunately, life bites sometimes and the things we want are just not within our grasp. It is a hard lesson he is learning.

Things around here are, as a result, pretty messy. I don't know how I will ever get it all straightened out, AGAIN. Everytime I think it will be fine, someone has to move in and distupt everything. I know they don't do it on purpose but I just wish they had someplace else to go once in awhile.

I won't gripe too much. They are my kids and I am very glad to have them all here. I just don't like all the stress of trying to clean house after so many people and find a place to store all the junk.

I am out of space, out of time, and out of sorts. I would love to have a nice quiet house that smells like I just cleaned top to bottom. I have given up. I need that cleaning team with those two British women. I bet they could straighten everything up in a tick.

I am out of here now. I thought I would be able to dash off something exciting but suddenly realized that exciting around here usually means an emergency room trip, court proceedings, or things involving long black cars. I think I'll pass.

Dancing on Wet Pavement

She danced across the wet pavement, arms stretched to the heavens, head thrown back to receive the blessing of the rain. Thunder rumbled and clouds roiled but there was no lightening, only the sound of heavenly furniture being moved through the halls by angels. She laughed at her own imagination.

Her heels make an interesting sound on the sidewalk as she continued her journey to her car, the rhythm becoming a tap dance. The store windows streamed with rain, everything, all the things people craved, were now out of focus, unimportant and obsolete. She needed nothing but to be alive, to breath in the wet cool of the air, and hear the staccato tap of her heals. She performed a quick two step and twirled, finishing by slipping her key into the door lock with a florish. A man getting out of his car on the opposite lane did a double take and smiled at her. She smiled back. It was a glorious day to be alive and dancing on wet pavement.

Rain Like Silk Sheets and Migraine Thieves

The rain is falling in soft folds, covering the city streets in cool, grey, silken sheets. Drifting around me are the soft chords of classical guitar and the room takes on a very melancoly feel that I keep trying to sort out. I find myself wanting to go somewhere and sink into a soft cushioned chair and watch the world through blurred windows.

The day is slipping away and I am here, in a brick and steel box, envious of the rain.

I had a migraine last night. Today I am better but the feeling I am always left with is that I missed or lost something. The migraine thief slipped in and took away another day. Of course, it isn't true but that is the way it feels. I don't know where that comes from, just as I don't know what triggers the pain. That crawly feel in my head, that precursor to the real pain, keeps one on edge and so perhaps that is the source.

Tuesday Masquerade

Ah, Tuesday, second day of the week, day before the middle day of the week which will signify the week is half over. I could learn to like Tuesday - except that my desk is running over because yesterday was a holiday. Never mind that for the whole month of May I have actually had 10 working days to do my job. Everything else was meetings, holidays, vacations, business trip, and interruptions. Heaven forbid if the paperwork falls below the level of my head for more than one day.

On top of that, this is the end of the month and things only roll faster when they are headed downhill.

I also wonder what all these people do when they aren't in my office turning in more paperwork or calling to complain that they are paying too much rent? Sadly, I have no one to call and complain about my rent.

This Tuesday looks suspiciously like a Monday.

End of a Holiday

The long weekend ends tonight. I go back to the mill tomorrow and put my nose to the grindstone. I always hate the end of the day when it is the last day of a weekend or holiday. It is so depressing.

Today I went to the store and picked up some panels to make a couple of maternity skirts for Becca. I made two skirts and hemmed three of them between 4 p.m. and 7 p.m. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I love sewing but I am usually just tired after work and don't want to do anything at all.

I think, however, that I am going to make myself a skirt soon. One of the fabrics I used made a beautiful skirt and I want one out of it. I have enough to probably make three more skirts. I also have a crate of fabric from when I sewed all my own clothes. So, with a baby girl on the way I will have to make a better effort to sew more, I guess.

Good night friends, if you are reading this. I am done for this holiday. Next holiday is July 4 and I am supposed to go out of town on the Saturday before to a concert in Owensboro KY... Crabbe Family festival. My uncle has bought tickets for us for Saturday and I think we will go on Friday night.

Remembering the Sacrifices

Today is Memorial Day. It is a day set aside to contemplate and give honor to America's war dead for the sacrifices they made to the cause of freedom and democracy.

Take a moment today, particularly if you are an American, to say a prayer of thanks for those who gave their lives. And for those Vets who are still alive, shake their hands or hug them and tell them how much you appreciate what their sacrifices.

If you have a family member who is currently serving in the military, thank you for the sacrifices you have made. Too often those who have no connection with the military have no idea that the families of soldiers and Vets make sacrifices as well. It is not easy for a spouse to pack up and move every two to four years and set up housekeeping, find new churches, schools and friends.

Soldiers may also spend months away from their families. Children may not see their military parent for weeks, months, and in wartime, for years. The soldier may return home after a parent, sibling, spouse or child has died, never having the opportunity to say goodby. Soldiers may receive letters from their spouse or girlfriend that end the relationship.

So, thank a vet or soldier for their service. Thank God for their dedication.

Everyone Needs a Name

Sarah Cheyenne is the name picked for out little girl. A bit old fashioned and a bit unique. Her grandmothers both picked out her names with her mama's final approval. We kind of like it. Sarah means Princess in Hebrew.

Cheyenne is a bit more difficult. There appears to be some disagreement on the meaning of it. It is, of course, the name of an Indian tribe. One posed definition is "those who speak in an alien tongue". I find this interesting since we are Pentecostal and believe in speaking in "other or unknown" tongues.

Somehow, it seems to belong to her already... and there is a nice story behind the choice. More on that later.

It's A Girl!

We got the news today that the baby is going to be a girl! They got there ultrasound and the doctor pronounced it was a girl. She said she has not been wrong in six years. I suspect that is probably because she also said when she is not sure she doesn't tell the parents one or the other.

They don't have a name picked out yet for a girl. They had one for a boy... but not a girl. So, now begins the fun. Trying to find a pretty girl's name.

I have to start thinking about sewing little girl clothes again. What fun that will be for me.

Do I Hear $5000?

It is another Monday gone and I managed to get a lot of things accomplished at work. I don't know about the rest of my life. It appears it is still in the pits and sinking fast.

I am praying for $5000. Seriously. I have asked God for $5000. I don't have any way to get it. I have no way to earn it. Now one is going to give it to me that I am aware of. I can't steal it because I don't steal, even if I had a clue where to steal that kind of money. So, I have told God that I need it.

You laugh. So what if I don't get it? I haven't hurt anyone or committed a crime. I have done nothing wrong.

Now, the alternative is that I do get it. At this point I don't much care as long as it is honest and I don't have to pay it back. If I could pay it back I wouldn't need it. So let's say by some means I do get it. Then, I have done nothing wrong. I have not hurt anyone, or committed a crime. And I can pay off at least some of my debts.

You wonder why I don't ask for more, say $10,000? Well, I believe that we are only promised what we need. I know that I need at least $5000. I could use $10,000 and be nearly debt free. I figure being greedy, even though I need more, is foolish. So, I ask for the least amount I can use. If God wants to bless me with more, great. If he only provides what I ask for, well, I will be very glad.

I know, it is silly, stupid, ignorant, ludicrious, etc. Well, you handle your problems your way and I will handle mine my way. I am no worse off for asking if I don't get it and if I do get it, well, I figure you'll be calling me. I'll let you know how it turns out.