Sunday Contemplations

 

Despite working on cleaning the patio yesterday, I could get up and go to church today. I'm glad I did. We had a great Sunday School lesson on angels that Bro Kuntzman taught. And then my pastor delivered an awesome message on Doubting Thomas. I'm sharing a link and encourage everyone to listen to it. My pastor is such a good minister. I love his messages because he actually studies the Word, and it shows. Speaking Peace to a Doubting Thomas Generation

I was looking back over my post yesterday and realized that some folks might take it the wrong way. I talked about not having anyone here to help me with the heavy lifting. That was what Jerry always did. We worked together on the things that needed doing around the house. Whether it was hanging drywall or cutting and cleaning the yard, he was my partner. Since he died, the work is a thousand times harder because I rarely have help and I have physical problems that severely inhibit my actions. 

I have a large, lovely family. Six to twelve hours away. It is impossible for them to be here. My aunt and uncle come every year to visit. I remember one year they came up and helped me clean the yard. We cleaned the flower beds and planted flowers. We set up a fountain. By the time we finished, my yard was beautiful. Unfortunately, they're not able to make that trip anymore. And certainly not do the amount of work we did that weekend. 

In 2010, one of my brothers came and worked on the house. However, he and his wife both work, and can't just drop everything to come 12 hours to help fix something. 

It would be lovely if Jerry were still here. He's not. And it bites. I take out the trash, rain or shine, pain or not. I clean out the car as needed. I cut and clean this enormous yard. I repair anything that gets damaged and if I can't, I have to find a way to either deal with it, or find the money to pay. Believe it or not, I can fix a leaky toilet and replace a faucet. Well, I could once. 

My hands interfere with repairs more than anything else. And it is getting worse. I stand in my yard right now and look at that broken tree top standing upside down, 20 feet in the air. There isn't a thing I can do. Nothing. If I could climb it, and I would. Ask my family. I'd put a rope around the top and pull the thing to the ground. Then, I'd rent a saw and cut it up. Really, I would. I love doing these things. But the reality is I can't climb that tree anymore. I can't use a saw because I can't manage it safely. So, the tree will stand until I can get it removed without bankrupting me. I turned the toilet that needs repair off and I am thankful I have a second one. The floor in the kitchen, well, it just lies there. I know how to get it up, put down a new one, and add floor covering. I've done it before. With Jerry. 

There are people who love me and care for me. But can't do help with these things either. I have my aunt and uncle who have rescued me so many times with help, like buying a refrigerator mine died or helping me get something else repaired. By helping me navigate a funeral, or taking care of me after surgery. By giving me advice and picking up the phone when I call, upset over the way life has treated me. And by praying for me. Yeah, that's the most important thing. I always need prayer the most.

So, when I complain or say these things, it isn't criticizing those who have helped in other ways. It is grieving my loss of independence, my home improvement partner, my confidant. I grieve the loss of the life I loved. 

As I always say, it is what it is. Once something is gone, you can't get it back. You do the best you can and move on. You don't have to like it; you just have to keep moving.

 

Betrayals, Explosions, and Storms...OH MY!

08/01/2022 Day of the Storm

Where do I begin? My arm giving me nerve trouble? My neck hurting? My fatigue causing me to sleep for hours? My ex-DIL up and moving without notice, taking my granddaughter, who was home for the summer and not paying me back for most of the financial help I gave her as she agreed? A raging storm that took out trees, power lines, and some roofs? Houses blowing up?

Yeah, wow!

I had the ulna nerve surgery and regained some of the strength in my hand and for a bit, I thought the nerve problem was getting better. However, the nerve issue worsened. I had an MRI and found I have a torn bicep in my left arm. Always the left! I also have an old rotator cuff injury that now has arthritis in it. Imagine that. My left arm is stinging all the time and I can't lift certain things. I see the surgeon on the 16th. We'll see what they say.

I also have to see an allergist in September. My doctor suggested it since she noticed I always have a runny nose. Well, this is true. And it is worse than ever. I live in a horrible region for allergies and had none before I came here. And before you say "cats", I grew up with anywhere from 10 to 20 dogs and half a dozen cats when we moved there. People dropped their unwanted pets in front of our house. My mama would never allow them to be put down or starve. The highway in front took care of most of them, so we never had a lot at once, just over years. One neighbor used to shoot some of them until Mama threatened him. We had chickens, pigs, and sometimes rabbits. So, I think I'd have noticed if I was allergic to an animal, especially since the cats and some dogs were inside/outside pets. We didn't have mice at least.

Half David's tree is resting on the ground against the remaining part of the tree. It has slipped a bit since the storm. I haven't been able to get it removed or get an estimate yet. Well, they are pretty busy with the storm damage, so I suspect it may be a minute. I've prayed and asked God to knock it down. Then I might get a chain saw and cut it up. Or maybe I can convince Mike to do it. If I can get him out of bed before noon. 

08/13/2022

I'm really so tired of this mess. More and more I'm unable to do things that need doing. I have no money left to pay for it. I really need to convince myself to sell up and just go to some tiny little obscure town where living is cheap and finish up my time there. No one will notice anyway.

There it is. The poor little me. Not really. I have virtually no family left here. My sister, whom I never see and can't get on the phone half the time. My son. See above. My other son who drifts around where the wind blows and comes twice a year. That's it. Other siblings may call but it's doubt they'll notice if I move.

But I really love my home. Lonely, yeah. But at least I've got a roof I can afford if it weren't for all the rest of it. Probably should just stop worrying about fixing anything and let it go. It won't matter when I'm dead and if they can't get anything out of the house, oh well, they should have invested some of that precious time in it. I could leave all proceeds from the sale to a charity. I have thought about it.

I'm too tired to care what happens.