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| St. George Slaying the Dragon by Hans Von Aachen |
During these four months, the sensation of being broken in half is stronger, the edges seem sharper and more jagged. Even my personality feels as if part of it is missing. I am a whole person in the mirror. I can see a whole person but there's that gaping hole that I can sense.
I've analyzed this repeatedly and find it is no easier to understand. I was and continue to be very individualistic and independent. I handled international moves, the demands of the military on my family, a disabled child, and finally a disabled spouse. I should be able to handled life now that I'm alone. But I can't seem to function as whole person either.
Five years later life decisions are still nightmare to deal with and just the thought of them can cause severe anxiety. Crises throw me into a panic. Disrupted schedules and clutter send me reeling. They're all dragons before me. The final insult is that I get sick and there is absolutely no one to call. No one will be there to check on me if I need help. I spend time wondering what happens if I can't call for help? It is a question I have late in the night, the very time you don't want such questions. Just another dragon.
What I'm really hoping for is that there is this magic hour, day, week, month, or year when I'll wake up, open my eyes and find that the feeling of something missing won't be there. There won't be the feeling of a gaping wound that never heals. Instead, I'll be strong and competent and able to slay my own dragons.
I wish I could remember the size of that painting - I decoupaged it decades ago at it's original size, set on a tiny plate stand on a coffee table. I, too, used it to remind me to slay my own dragons. I came to understand that there really are dragons - we just call them by different names. Had the painting been of George slaying a crocodile, I doubt it would have filled our imagination in the same way. There is no magic, but I do believe in miracles.
ReplyDeleteThrough February? Ugh, Dixie. I think there are people around you (in your physical area) that would be willing to assist you. It's hard to ask for help, though. It's agony (in my prideful opinion). Still, that is only one dragon managed. And you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
ReplyDeleteNo. I have no friends here. Not one person I know here has ever offered to help me with anything. I've attended the same church for 15 years and not one person has ever invited me to their home unless it was a church function nor have they ever been to mine. The pastor is the only person to ever visit my home or the hospital when Jerry was sick.
DeleteI used to be embarrassed to say that but I have suddenly realized I've got no reason to be embarrassed except for being stupid.
I'm sure that day will come, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but certainly some day, and the dragons will be banished :-)
ReplyDeleteIts Christmas Eve and I wanted to come back to wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New year. If you are still in that dark place and if I really had wishes, I would wish all your happy memories could replace the pain. :-) I hope Santa is good to you :-)
ReplyDelete