Light

 Tuesday arrived quickly. December 2nd. I can't believe we're here. 

Today is another good day. I can't tell you why. It has just been one of those days that roll in and surprise you with things you didn't think you deserved. 

We had a bit of snow overnight. I went to lunch at Firehouse, my new favorite place. One sandwich and I'm done for the day. And it is so good. The girls behind the counter have become pals. It's nice to go to a place and have a person smile at you and you know they're glad to see you. They told me I was their favorite customer, recently. They're my favorite sandwich girls.

A friend called me and talked for a while, and that was a lovely respite from what would have been a boring day.

No writing today, well — that's not actually true. I wrote something on the writing blog and this, of course. You'll have to go see it if you're interested. 

I blog little about grief here anymore, except at this time of year. I think I posted something recently. I will not do that this year. At least, I'm going to try not to do that. I have several years of grief post from January 30th, 2009, through maybe the next six years. There are random posts throughout the blog for more years. 

This year, I want to end it. I want it to stop. I had a difficult week in mid-November. It was as if it had happened yesterday and I couldn't cope with it. I literally fell apart several times. 

 In the last couple of weeks, I realized I want that to end. I want to stop feeling the hurt. I want to stop hearing that ring rake along the headboard. I don't want to see his eyes anymore. I don't want to experience a silence so great that it feels like I'm dead. 

At some point during this last month, I figured out I want life. And I've not been living life for 17 years. I stopped laughing. I stopped singing. I stopped seeing the world around me. In November, the walls closed in, and I was suffocating. It made me lose myself again in the dark.

Then, someone made me laugh, genuine laughter. And a light came on.