Everybody Oughta Go to Sunday School

 

This morning as I sat on the edge of the bed trying to get myself in a church frame of mind. My hands were hurting, and it stressed me. I was so frustrated and uncomfortable. But then I stopped and thought about all I had done in my life with these hands. I worked, made my and my children's clothes, upholstered furniture for my home, made curtains, wrote millions of words in stories, and worked to retirement using computers. Suddenly, I said, "Thank you Lord for these hands that are hurting. Thank you, that they let me work and earn a living to provide for my family." 

Yes, hours later, they still hurt, even as I type this. But I could get moving and dressed. I threw up my hair and went to church. I couldn't stand for long because of pain in my hip and feet, but after a few minutes sitting, I could stand again for a while. We have a long worship service, so standing is a thing. Oddly, my left hip joint was so painful sitting, very uncomfortable and I had to shift a lot. But standing, I felt like I had rocks in my shoes. Still, I can tell the new anti-inflammatory is working.

Church has always been a source of comfort, but in the last couple of years, less so. I want to be there, but constant, unrelieved pain takes all your energy and saps your strength. I get frustrated and depressed. Having to smile and be nice is difficult. You can't tell people you're uncomfortable and don't want to be there. No one wants to know, and most are uninterested. Oh shush, you know it's true. 

Some church people often believe that church attendance overcomes pain. It does not. God can heal. He hasn't healed me and I couldn't tell you why. I've asked, but that's above my security clearance. However, no one wants to hear that either. We don't want to face the reality that God doesn't always fix things. And telling people at church that all I want is to be home in a comfortable chair doesn't float well. Mostly, they don't know how to respond or how to make a judgement of the person feeling that way. Compassion comes to mind, but that can be equally difficult for some. 

However, my pain was better today, and I enjoyed seeing my two friends and talk with them. My friend Sandra is about to visit her home in Ghana for a bit, so I was glad to see her today. She called me when I missed a couple of Sundays. Do you know what that does for a person dealing with chronic pain when you do that? She is such a lovely person and I just love her and her family. And the Jung's are some of my favorite people. And Sister Joan, another transplant from Africa, is a bright spot with her lovely hats. I always look for her hat to see if she is there. 

Lunch was ready when I got home, more or less. Last night I made lunch for today so when I got home all I had to do was warm it up. That was a relief. Now, I've spent the afternoon just sitting here relaxing and wish I could get rid of the neck pain. Nothing much touches that but adjustments to my sleep positions and sitting positions. At it's worse, I have numbness down my left arm and into my fingers. Burns most of the time but I seem to have learned to live with it. And there are a few things I can do to make it less uncomfortable. So, I'll manage.

All in all, the day has not been a bad day. 

It's a Heatwave

 It's so hot outside that I think I could start a fire just by blowing on the wood. Mike is doing the weed trimming and at some point, I must get the grass cutting done. One ponders what one should wear into an inferno. Clothing would be incendiary, but so to is flesh. Anything heavier than a cotton sheet will be heat stroke material. 

I doubt it will be today since it just started raining. So frustrating. My mower blades need changing, but will require someone with more experience and strength than I. I've looked for someone to do such repairs, but the days of shade tree mechanics is pretty much over. Mike called around and found a place that will do it. Now I just have to get it there. 

He finished the trim work, and it rained. So, no yard cutting today. I'll have to get up early tomorrow and do it before the heat gets too bad.  

I started a new anti-inflammatory today. We'll see how it goes. They prescribed one when I started having them not to my file that I'd requested it. I would rather not take these things, but I can't keep going with this level of pain. It's so debilitating. You tire of trying to do things that hurt. 

My goal was to get back to Atlanta in July. Initially, I blocked off the first week, but they've scheduled me to see an Endocrinologist that week. I have a T4 level that is low and, although I suspect steroids caused it, I'll have to have the professional check it.

And that's it for today. I'm better, but drained all the time. Sleep doesn't help. So I just continue to do what I can, when I can. 

Where to Start, Where to End

 

I don't know where to begin with this post. It has been a horrible year all the way around. My aunt died May 22nd, funeral several days later, then home. Then I hit a curb at CVS just over a week ago. I blew out the tire, road side couldn't fix it ($200), had to tow it ($161), both charged me. Then the shop called, and I didn't need just one tire. The other tire also needed replacing ($300). 

Then, a week later, the toilets and tub backed up. Repair man came out. To rod it out was $400. Or I could repair the line because it has an air conditioner sitting on top of it that may have damaged the line, causing repeated blockages ($5000). But, if I could dig the hole to lay the line from the house, around the air conditioner, to a place they'd tie in the new line, it would be cheaper. 

So, we dug the hole with a shovel. On the 9th David worked 45 minutes, but I knew it wasn't deep enough and particularly since we had not found the line where they would connect to the main line. Mike and I dug about 45 minutes to dig the trench from the house to the hole where it ended. We dug three feet down and found the main line. They repaired it on the 10th. Yesterday, I had swollen and sore hands. Today just they're just sore. 

How much did digging that hole save me? The repair job was $1900. You can do the math.

So now toilets are working. The car is working. I need to call my aunt. I have needed to call her every day since I got home. I really need to talk to her. She won't answer, of course. 

Today I spent the day reading the Book of James. Nothing else. Just that. It's five chapters, but I took my time highlighting verses that were familiar and considering the meanings and implications. I was surprised to find that we quote so many verses from this small book in the Bible. I doubt we quote Paul as much as we do James. It was astonishing. And I also found that most of those verses, well, you won't like this, but I believe it's true. Most of us simply ignore them. We know them, but we don't follow them. 

Tell me which ones you follow. I'll wait. Because that won't be a long list. Blow up the image and you can see most of them. Actually, don't tell me. Just be honest with yourself. 

I took Mike to lunch in the afternoon and Firehouse rules.

Now, I'm finishing this day with this post. I haven't been writing much for the last year. Most of that time I've been in financial freefall and physical distress. I've spent a lot of time praying and asking why. But I suppose it's just life doing what it does. Casualties sometimes result. But Mama told me that if everything is going wrong, you must be doing something right.

All I could think of when my aunt died was that there was no one left to call for help or prayer or just to talk things out with. She was the last. She knew me longer than my own parents. Sixty-eight years she was part of my life and knew more about me than any living person. There was nothing we couldn't talk about. And just like that, being alone means something different.  

My cousin wants me to move to Georgia. I have nothing here that matters anymore. But I'm too old to start over, and I've already paid for my burial plot next to Jerry. So, unless I win the lottery, I'm here for good. Since I don't play the lottery... well, that's that.

Lost in the Dark

 I never thought I'd have to live through another week, like the last week of May 2025. I thought the horrors of death were far behind me and that life, though painful, would not throw that pain into my path. 

My aunt Phillis died May 22nd, 2024. I started life in her mother's home and she was my big sister. She took me places when I was old enough and she permed my hair, many times, to no avail. I knew her friends. Liz made great chocolate shakes, Patsy was funny. There were many others because she had a large circle of friends. 

I was nearly 9 when she married and from then on, it was visits to her house to stay for a night, and then for summers. As a teen, she dressed me. We were the same size until I was in my 20s so she gave me her clothes. They were beautiful clothes and hand me downs were not an insult in my family. I loved it.

I loved her and she became my second mother when her mother died. Our Mama. For 68 years she was always available to me. Always ready to help with whatever I needed a prayer, a new fridge, a trip to recover from the death of my husband. She allowed me to complain to about my sons, to share my worry about Sarah. And I shared her worries and fears. I consoled her when she needed someone to share her grief. 

Now, she's gone, and I do not know what I will do. I came home on the 28th of May. For days I've sat in my house and tried to think. I do not know what I'm supposed to do. Every day I expect her call or to call her and tell her about what's going on with the boys, with Sarah, with me. I desperately need her to pray for me. To help me through this horrible nightmare. To wake me up. There is no one now look out for me. No one I can call to tell how I feel about this. I more alone that I've ever been in my life. And I'm hollowed out inside like a dead tree. 

I said before that death is not a friend but he is a dark and beastly entity who comes into our home and rips every beautiful thing out by the roots and drags it away. He doesn't knock or politely ask to come in. He kicks in the door and puts out the lights. When he leaves, all we have is a howling wind roaring through our life. 

 Possessions are not the most important thing you will have in your life. They matter very little when you're stumbling around in the dark and can't find the path. When the people in your life begin to disappear you lose direction because the compass points are gone and the light has gone out. 

Treasure the lights you have while they burn brightly. When they go out, you'll be lost.