Falling into Cactus

 What does it mean when everything you touch becomes painful? Like falling into a cactus. And each spine you pull out, hurts again. By the time you're done, you're a holey, bleeding mess. And everything is gushing out through all those holes.

I'm bleeding out. 

I started the Rendered Praise blog because I wanted to be more positive, to focus on something other than the dark I was living in. Or at the least, find light in the dark. I've begun to think I'm the dark because no amount of light I shine on it matters. Dark is dark, and it can't comprehend light. 

I'm a researcher. I've always known where to find the answers. People ask me about something, I find the answer and tell them. But I can't find the answers to my own questions. I know where to look. I know what I'm asking. 

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions; maybe I'm looking in the wrong places; maybe my questions just aren't important.

I'm a little old to be asking about the meaning of life. I thought I had figured that out. The whole duty of man is — 

Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. Ecclesiastes 12:13.

 He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? Micah 6:8.

Not hard at all. Right? I thought I was doing all of that well. At least, to the best of my ability. Now, I admit, I don't know. And this time, I don't know where to find the answer. 

I had three different sources tell me this last week I "live in my head too much". I don't know how to live anywhere else. When your world shrinks, where do you go? And what does it even mean? I researched it. It depends. And that is no answer at all.

If I find something to stop the bleeding, maybe I'll find it. 

Right now, tonight, I'm tired of searching. I don't think there are answers.