Catching Up to Y'all

I've gotten so bad at posting things here. I considered letting it go but once in a while, something belongs here and not on the other two blogs.

For the last several weeks, I've been doing pretty good. I started taking Benedryl at night when I go to bed for allergy problems that affect my using the BiPap machine. I found it helped my sleep, too. I also started taking Spirulina and Chlorella. You can look it up but it has some health benefits that I felt I needed. It helps remove heavy metals from the body and other toxins and also helps stabilize gut bacteria.

Here's a strange thing. I'm better. I mean, overall, I have very little pain. Low back pain at night but I have something for that. Shoulder pain and pain in my hand from the nerve damage are still an issue but there is virtually no joint pain. My hands get stiff and sometimes I find it hard to open my hand in the mornings but that's pretty much it. I don't know if it is the weather or one of the things I've been taking. Whatever, I'm thankful. And making good use of it. I suspect a change in weather will confirm or negate my belief.

The laundry is done and put away. The house has been swept and I even mopped one day. Drove my back crazy but it got done. I've cut the grass twice in the last month and worked in the yard a bit. I've moved a few things around, not all at once. This week I'm working on getting some picture frames painted and photos hung. I am planning, if the feel-good lasts, to patch some places in the walls and sand them off. Eventually, I'll get the money to buy more paint.

Alas, I've not done a lot of writing. I did some and there is a word count calendar here: Novels & Progress where you can check out the word counts of each one and see the days I wrote and how much. This is really more for me to keep a check without having to open a bunch of files and since it is easy to access, I thought why not share it.

So, there you have it. This is September and the last time I posted here was in July, when my brother died. I had a rough time for several weeks but now, as long as I don't think about it, I can manage. I miss him so much. In the last few years, he hardly ever called and so I didn't hear from him or know how he was or even where he was. Death has a way of shifting priorities. I have a huge family back home and this reminded me how very much I miss them all and wish I was more a part of their lives.

I'm headed off to get Sarah soon, so I'll end this here. I probably should post more often. I have these so someday, when I'm gone, Sarah can come back and at least feel that I'm not very far away and that she has a glimpse of who her Mawmaw was. Maybe she won't care but the option will be hers.

Traveling Woes

We're sitting in the library in Mena, Arkansas so we can use our computers. This is a nice little library even if small. I've been here several times on previous visits. The only drawback I've found is that the employees are quite chatty and haven't stopped talking for nearly an hour. The tables we use are near the front door and front desk and so it isn't as if we can avoid it. I don't have a major problem with it but it is distracting when trying to read or write. It is a library, after all, and they shushed me and Sarah on one of those previous visits, so it must matter.

Our trip down was fairly uneventful if you don't count losing my debit card. Never fear, we immediately blocked it but it is annoying. Thank goodness I have my credit card.

We left at 6 a.m. and arrived by 5:30 p.m.  A long day but traffic wasn't bad at all. Sunday might just be the best day to travel. We'll see because tomorrow is Wednesday and we're headed back to Evansville, Indiana. I hope we can leave by 6 a.m. again.

I have a lot to do when I get back but I suspect I'll have to recover from the trip. Seems the longer the drive the harder it is for me to bounce back. I didn't drive at all but I was exhausted and am still tired.

This is old news and it gets annoying. I'm tired of being tired and hurting all the time is a pain. I'm going to stop here and find something to do besides cruise the web. I should probably check my library books I borrowed before I've read several in the last week on my Kindle and need to return them.

Have a great week.

First Memories

Billy Lavon Patch
Born: Oct. 8, 1959
Died:  July 10, 2018

My brother died this past week. They said it was a pulmonary embolism. That's a blood clot in the lungs. He was only 58 and so full of life. That smile you see? That was always there.  You would rarely see him frowning and if he saw you, he'd throw up his hand and give you a smile and say "Hey, how ya doing!" And now he's gone. The world has lost another bright light.

No, he wasn't famous or wealthy. He was just real.

Let me take a minute and tell you about the little brother I grew up with and what his life was like back then.

Billy was a cute, curly-haired kid and my younger brother. I'm the oldest of 7 and he was #2. We were raised by our grandparents, Mama and Daddy, a long story to be shared another time. As children, we were close but drifted apart as teenagers for a bit. When I married, he felt betrayed because our Mama had died and I left home. We became closer after that but Daddy remarried and the new wife didn't want a teenager in her life and Daddy sent him away to live with our mother. Another betrayal but he coped and grew close to our other siblings who lived with her. Eventually, Daddy was sent away too when the new wife got all she could from him. He brought Billy home and said he'd made a huge mistake and would never do that again. I think they both suffered during that period.

My first clear memory of Billy was not when he was a baby. It was when they sent for Mama to come and get him. You see, he originally lived with our mother and when she remarried a GI, she took him with her. Doctors said I should not be removed from my grandparents. You see, I became sick because of the pending separation. So, I stayed and he left.

He was 2 when they told Mama he needed to come home. He was having bowel issues. He's stopped pottying because he was whipped every time he didn't use the potty. I can tell this now because everyone is dead. Even Billy. He knew the truth anyway. We were told my stepfather whipped him but after I grew up, I believe it was our mother that caused the problem. But I digress.

I remember Mama and I boarded a train in Mobile, Alabama headed to Columbus, Georgia to pick Billy up. It was my first train trip and it was exciting. I remember sitting in seats that faced one another and I liked sitting across from an adult in my own seat. Mama faced front and I sat opposite, facing her. I was only 5. I remember the train stopping on a trestle and I looked out the window. Far below was a rocky creek flowing under us. It was so exciting and as clear in my memory as a snapshot.

When we arrived in Columbus, I still remember the apartment house. It was a two-story shaped like an L and inside, we climbed these huge dark wood stairs. On the second floor was my mother's apartment. The next few moments are like a movie in my mind. The door opened and I went in first. Billy was lying on a bed in the room, bedclothes all mussed and piled up. I can't remember that room. All I see is this tiny curly-haired boy pushing up on the bed and sitting, and a beautiful smile stretching across his face when he saw us. Today, that memory is bittersweet. He was such a lovely little boy. The redish brown curls made him look like a cherub. I remember his arms going around my neck. And the memory ends.

We brought him home.

Charges or Changes

Yesterday as I was paying bills, I reviewed some medical bills I received and when I went online to pay it I saw something confusing. They'd billed me twice for the same visit but it wasn't on the bill I held in my hand.

My insurance sends me an Explanation of Benefits that shows what they were billed and how much they paid. It also tells me the amount of my portion and a lot of other things. I always keep these in a file on my desk so I can compare them to the bills I get from the medical providers to ensure I'm not overcharged. Yes, that has happened twice. I pulled out my EOBs and found two for the charges mentioned on the website. They did, in fact, bill me twice for one visit. I lay it aside until I could call them the next morning. That'd be today.

When I called and explained my concern, the woman was very nice and happily explained that a lot of people get confused about their billing. I agreed they had a system that was very hard to follow. I get bills for Deaconess services from three different billing offices. Here's the story.

First, the reason the bill I had didn't reflect the second charge was that I hadn't been billed yet. Good to know but I don't know why they hadn't billed me at the same time since they had already billed the insurance and were paid. But moving on.

So why was I billed a second time? Well, you see, one bill is where you saw the doctor. That was $123. The other bill is a facilities charge of $177."

......

"I see," I said. I didn't but I'd give her a chance.

"That's for the use of the facility," she said.

 "OK." Did she say to use the facility? I didn't go to the bathroom. "Well," I said. "Thank you for your help."

After I hung up, I pondered this conundrum. I paid to see the doctor in their office. I paid to see her and I paid to use the office so I could see her. There is something wrong with this but I'm at a loss as to where exactly it is.

I am paying to use the building to see the person they HIRED to see their patients. And I'm PAYING to see the person they hired to see their patients.

I can't figure it out. One thing I do know it that I'm ready for a change. I think it is time we went back to house calls. If they can charge me a facilities charge, I figure I could do the same.

A Short Tale about a Long Trip

Yes! Yes! It is I. I decided instead of dropping the news on Facebook I'd just post here and share it around. Saves time. Life on the Ledge has been precarious at times but it hasn't been fatal. I've been away from here since May, but I've got a few things I want to talk about so here I go.

I just got back from a much-needed vacation. I left on the 12 and stayed with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta two days before we all traveled on the 14th to Myrtle Beach. While I was at their home, I worked on their computers and got them back online. They'd been offline for ... well, a while, maybe a year. They had a new router and never got them set up because they used their IPads. Once I got all the tech sorted it was time to go. I still had updates to do but I could do them when we returned.

We stayed at Marina Dunes Inn on the Intercoastal Waterway. The photo above is the view from our room. It was lovely and a really beautiful condo. We did the usual shopping, eating, and they went to the beach twice. I preferred the indoor pool. No one used it and there was a nice shady patio just outside the doors that I had all to myself. I managed to read 5 books while we were there!

We returned to their home on the 19th and I spent the 18th finishing the computer project and packing up my things. I drove home on Friday. Let me tell you, it was eventful.

I started out at 8:30 and when I reached Chattanooga I hit a traffic jam. I got rerouted by Maps thru town, on Old 41. Beautiful drive over the mountain but 30 miles later, upon my reentry to the interstate, I was back in the traffic jam. Yeah, 30 miles at least. It lasted for another half hour before I got out. It began to rain a little and I decided where I'd make my next stop.

I got off at a place that I regularly stop when I take this trip, exit 114, at Manchester, TN. I figured I'd get gas and maybe grab a sandwich and get back on the road quickly. As I stood under the Raceway shelter and put the hose in my gas tank, it began to rain harder. Just as the pump started, the wind picked up and the guy at the pump ahead of me said the clerk told him there was a tornado warning. I turned around and the rain began to really lash at us. The wind picked up the garbage can and threw it at me. I turned to take turn the pump off and the power went out and suddenly it was as if everything went crazy. Someone threw a truckload of water at me and the world went white. I was blown back toward the car door. I was thankful I'd left it open because I scramble to get inside while my neighbor raced for the building, without a backward look, I might add. Everything seemed to be shaking and I just sat soaking in my clothes and watching trash cans fly by.

Whatever it was passed pretty fast because the sideways rain slacked off. I kept wondering why my wipers weren't clearing my windshield but then I realized that the water was on the inside. I pulled my attention from the storm outside and looked around. My dash, the windscreen, side windows, car doors, and my seat were wet where the rain had sprayed into the open door at the same time that load of water hit me. I thanked the God who gave me the good sense to put a roll of paper towels on the seat next to me. Really, there were right there. I remember putting them in the car and thinking I probably wouldn't need them but you never know. Not only was I soaked, my shoes were soaked, and the inside front of the car was soaked.

Eventually, my neighbor returned. He said they'd restart the pumps but soon found that impossible. My neighbor got a refund. I had used a credit card so I hoped that we were square. I managed to get a small amount of gas either way.

All power on that exit was out so I started toward Nashville and hoped for a place to stop so I could change clothes. I couldn't imagine riding the next 4 hrs wet. A Macdonald's presented itself at the next populated stop and I unpacked an outfit and shoes. After a change of clothes, I felt better and ordered a late lunch. Once that was completed, I set out, again toward Nashville. I needn't have hurried.

By the time I reached the Country Music Capital of the World, traffic was backed up and it took me another hour to get across town. I stopped at the state rest stop and walked around, pottied, and hit the road again. I didn't stop until I got to Evansville at 6:30 pm. I was tired.

The rest of the weekend I was wiped out. The vacation was wonderful and I always enjoy my family but that return trip was exhausting and it took three days to fully recover. This past week I've just spent lazing around. The house was clean because my friend Sue came in and cleaned from top to bottom.  I arranged it before I left and was glad I did because it turned into the best money I ever spent. I didn't unpack clothes for a week. God is so good to me. I've had a lot of pain in my joints the last couple of days, today is pretty severe but I have just been able to relax and take it easy.

This week, I've been busier trying to do the normal things, laundry, dishes, and taking care of bills. Thankfully, everything got paid and I can move onto other things. I had planned to finish up some construction projects and painting but the heat is so bad. I did manage to cut the grass and Mike and I both tackled the weed trimming but we had to do it in fits and starts. It is dangerously hot. I had to wash my hair 4 days in a row after doing outside work. It isn't much better inside either. The air conditioner has been almost unable to keep up with the heat. I could raise it to ease the burden on the system but once a house gets hot, it is really hard to cool it down again.

So, I've caught you up now and I'll try and stay on track. I've had so many physical issues lately that I really didn't want to bore folks with it. I've not been writing either because of it. If you follow this blog and want to keep up you can find me at all the places below.

My Week in Review

Been a long time since I posted here but I have so much news I decided it would be easier to disseminate. So for those of you still checking in, here we go. Monday has apparently become clean the house day because that will get me thru the week. Mike came and dug out the flower bed but I couldn't get to the planting because I was too tired after cleaning and laundry all day. I did put Castor beans in the ground. These will drive out the voles and moles, whose tunnels are causing a tripping hazard in my yard. It will take a few months but once they take root, those critters will head for daylight. This is an old gardeners trick. Tuesday.. funny, I don't remember a lot of it. I had a sleep doctor appt and that went well although, she said I needed to go to bed earlier so I don't need those 2 hr naps every day. She's probably right, but I've always been a night owl. If it wasn't for Sarah, I could sleep late in the mornings. 20 days of school left! I came home and spent the day reading. Sarah and I went to the grocery story after school, and then spent time doing her math homework. I was in bed by 9:30! Tuesday is the first day I've been on the computer for a week, I think. Wednesday I cut the yard, moved some edging stones around to the front to line the walk (I used the mower and trailer to move them, I'm not totally insane yet), and I was planning when she got home to get the seed in the ground! That didn't happen because the day caught up with me. I fell asleep in the chair for about a hour. I was still in bed by 10, though. I've also been walking. Went one day last week and couldn't walk .3 of a mile without nearly having to crawl back to the car. Both my hips were in agony. Upset me a bit because the future looked bleak. I waited and went back Monday and this time, I just walked around the small lake near the VA cemetery. The photo is a shot from the parking area, across the lake. I made it around 3 times but I had to sit on one of the benches each round to rest my hips. Went back Tuesday and made it 4 times with one rest, and that got me .5 of a mile! Yesterday, I made it .5 again with only one stop. So, maybe the future is not so bleak. Since my back injury and all the steroids they put me on, I gained too much weight! It will probably take a while to peel that back off. However, if I can keep walking, I might make a dent in it. The pain in my hips is probably a combination of too much weight, weak muscles from sitting around for 9 months, and the arthritis. The good news is, a short break between laps seems to make it ease up. So, I'm shooting for distance rather than speed. Once I can get around a half mile without stopping, I can try for more distance. There are benches around the lake but once I start hoofing around the cemetery, there are no places to sit... unless I pick a tombstone. There are some monuments with benches up on the hill but I'm nowhere near tackling that. So, now you're caught up for the week. We'll see how the rest of it goes.

End of the Line

It has been a long and strange journey on this blog. I seem to have lost the impetus to keep it going and I'm a bit sorry about it. I used to enjoy posting about the people and events in my life. I do post on my writing blog and sometimes on Rendered Praise but even that one has languished a bit and both are different. I'm not sure anymore what I want to do... or say.

My world has never recovered since Jerry died, not really. I mean, I've gone on with my life, such as it is. I'm still here. No, I haven't met someone. You actually have to see people for that to happen. I've stayed here in my home, raising my granddaughter. I retired, as you'll remember if you've read along. I thought I'd be able to write more. I got sick, and sicker, and sicker until I despaired of even living at times. How do you function when you're in so much pain all the time and you feel like you're on the wrong train?

You just keep going.

The truth is, I've never been able to right the upside-down world I was thrown into. There was just nothing normal about my life anymore. Nothing made any sense at all. More and more I found myself not wanting to write. Not wanting to do the things I used to do. I don't want to cook but I have an 11 yr old who has to eat. You'd think I'd lose weight but no, I gain it! I'm too tired or too sick to go out and exercise. Or it is so freaking cold or wet that it is impossible. Even the back surgery I had to repair the ruptured disk, although it made some things tremendously better, has not really made much difference in what I do.

I feel like a door is closing and maybe it is. This is probably the last post here I'll do. Maybe it is because I've just been sick for months with colds and I'm still sick with one, milder though it is. I really don't know. My immune system is very low now.

I just know that I don't have anything left to say. The interesting things, at least to me, have declined to the point that there is nothing I really enjoy doing. There are no family stories to relate because there is no family left. There are no work tales to tell because I can't work anymore. There are no exciting people or places or things to tell you about. There are plenty of annoyances, frustrations, and sadnesses but who wants to share that? And who wants to read it.

You'll say this is depression. Maybe it is a mild one. I don't even want to try and figure it out.  What I do want to say is thank you. If you've been with me on this convoluted journey, lived thru the nightmare of death, and laughed at my kids, thank you. I don't know why you did it. But I'm glad you did. You remained silent but if you stuck with me, thanks.

As of now, the blog will remain open. I get comments in my email, not that anyone ever does other than one or two here and there. But if you stop by, shoot me a comment to let me know. Will I come back? I don't know. I'm giving myself permission to give up several things this year. I have too many chains weighing me down and the need to shake them off won't leave me alone. I may if there is something good to say. Today, I can't think of one thing.

So I pray you are blessed and I hope I've given you enjoyment with my crazy Life on the Ledge.

Be happy. Be kind. In the end, that's what will count.

Popping in for an Update

Fadings

I've been asking myself if I should let this blog just fade away. I rarely write here anymore and it seems wrong to just ignore it. I'm mostly on the writing blog or the faith-based one. I have tried to think how I could blend them but the reason the other two exist was that I didn't think it would work. I keep links to them in the headers of each blog so anyone can go to them from this one but honestly, I don't have that many readers. I'm not that interesting.

I'm doing much better this week. Starting the weekend I notice the muscles in my back were less sore and I could move my shoulders without a lot of pain. I also noticed that my sleep is much better than it has been in probably years. I'm less tired most days but do have bouts of extreme fatigue. I've learned to just go to bed and nap for a couple of hours. Sleeps makes it better.

My Thanksgiving holiday was relatively quiet. I spent the afternoon with Sarah's other grandparents. They invited us over and Sarah, Mike, and I went. We had a great lunch and I enjoyed just relaxing and talking. I made a banana pudding and carried that but it was nice not to have to do all that work. I would have been totally wiped out if I had had to deal with a holiday meal.

Holidays are not usually fun for me but at least it wasn't filled with the usual stress. I've spent today just sitting around reading, crocheting and listening to podcasts. I've come to really enjoy those and I can crochet and listen at the same time. Even my Kindle fire will read my book to me. 

I'll leave this for now. I started it a few days ago and forgot it. Doctor's appointment on Monday morning for them to follow up on my surgery. I"m hoping I'll be allowed to do a bit more.

Down in the Dumps Day

It's Wednesday. I'm feeling better physically, except I am really tired because I'm still having problems with the Bipap machine. The truth is, I'm depressed today and I don't even know why. I should not be depressed because I feel better. I am rather scared to admit it but even the nerve pain in my left arm is not as bad today. So feeling depressed seems foolish.

It's probably the lack of sleep or proper sleep that's causing this. I don't know what else I can do about it. I used a new mask last night and it did not help. I guess I just keep trying.

I am supposed to see my new primary care today. I don't think that would make me depressed but one never knows. I'm hoping it works out better than the one I've been using. She's a very nice doctor but I just think she's too inexperienced and I have some pretty severe problems. I really wish I could find another Dr. Like Dr. Beckman. The guy I see today is actually a fairly good doctor. I have used him years ago. I'm just really tired of having to find doctors that don't treat me like I'm an idiot. Of course, things have changed, and he may treat me that way, too.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I've been sitting here all morning feeling down and too tired to do anything. I don't think writing this will help me feel better and I really don't know what will. Sarah has been with her other grandparents this week and I am really missing her. Maybe that's why I'm depressed. When she's here, she's a lot of work but it is work I enjoy and her company keeps me from thinking too much about things that actually do depress me.

At any rate, I'll stop this here. I have nothing else to say and there's no point in going on and on about how rotten I feel today.

When Life Goes Sideways

I'm posting this on all three blogs to save time. I've not posted anything on them for a few months. This serves as an explanation, not an excuse. 

Here we are at the end of September and I can't figure out where the summer went. I was doing rather well at finishing my novel, Hidden in the Mist. In fact, I'm probably less than 2000 words away. It was the 9th of July. The story was going well. I was working on the study/den/dining room to get it repainted and reorganized. I felt pretty good. There were plans to sell books. Things looked . . . bright. The road seemed smooth and straight. 

That's when things always go wrong. Somewhere, in the dark I hit something. 

Actually, in the wee hours of Sunday morning at 3 a.m. I woke up screaming and had to call Mike to come get me and take me to the hospital. My whole left arm was in excruciating pain and felt as if it were on fire. It was also paralyzed. I'm left-handed. I couldn't hold my phone, dial it, or pick up anything. Every move sent me into screams. 

I went to St. Vincent's ER (Primary care is at that hospital) and they did x-rays, gave me a shot of morphine and a steroid, a script for valium, and orders to go to physical therapy. I have a pinched nerve. I went home. 

At 5 a.m. Monday morning I was back at a second ER. This time I decided to use the hospital (Deaconess) where my records were for all my ailments. After CT scan and a couple of shots of something they sent me home with Loratabs and ordered to go see PT. Monday I went to urgent care at the orthopedic urgent care and the doctor said I could shoot myself. Yeah. Scheduled me to go to PT a few days later. 

It would be two weeks before I could see a PT doc but they could do physical therapy before that. I went to my primary care doc on Tuesday and she prescribed steroids, Gabapentin and Skelaxin. Let me just say that at this point, not a single medication had any impact. The narcotics took the edge off to stop me screaming. The Gabapentin made me a zombie who felt pain and I stopped it but it took three days to get my mind back. I had acupuncture the second week and believe it or not, 50% of my pain disappeared in 2 hrs and I could actually hold my fork! Brushing my hair and wiping my butt was still beyond me. 

I won't go into the rest of the last two months. Suffice it to say I alternated between screaming in pain and writhing with gritted teeth and sobbing. Eventually, after a fainting spell in my RA doctor's office, I was sent to a neurologist who did an MRI and found I have a compressed spinal cord. She immediately sent me to a neurosurgeon. Turns out I have a ruptured disc. I have to have surgery sometime in the next couple of weeks to repair it and to fuse some discs. I hope.

And that is how life has gone sideways. 

I was unable to type for three weeks and still have problems after typing for very long. The pain in my arm is bearable but only just. It still feels like it is on fire on the bottom side of my forearm, side of my hand and third and fourth fingers. I'm very clumsy and that is frustrating because I've always been very dexterous. 

Now it is as if my hand belongs to someone else. Thankfully, as a lefty living in a righty world, I'm a bit ambidextrous and I've been able to do a lot of things with my right hand. I'll never be able to write with it and I can't remember to do some of the other tasks with it but it has been easier to let the right hand pull extra duty. As a result, the right hand is a bit more functional. Probably a good thing since the doctor said he couldn't promise my left hand would return to full function with no pain. Apparently, when a nerve is pinched this long (07/09 thru 09/17) it might not recover. 

There's always a silver lining, isn't there?  I'm hopeful because God is good and I've got stuff to do. 

As a side note, during all of this, my son Mike fell off the delivery truck at work (about 4 feet) and broke his right arm and injured his shoulder. So the one person who helps me the most is also incapacitated. 

See, I told you there was a silver lining. 

And that's the way it is as of today, Sunday, September 17, 2017. 

If you pray, put us on your list. 

An Update from the Ledge

Whew! What a crazy few weeks it has been and this one isn't over.

I was awake at 5:30 this morning after about 5 and a half hours sleep. I just woke up and I realized after a couple of stretches that I wasn't in any major pain. I lay there a few minutes and figured I'd go back to sleep but my left brain kicked in and told me this might not happen again. I decided to get up.

So, I did.

I made coffee, made breakfast, ate, dressed and got the garbage out of the house. I'll get it to the street soon. Now it is 7:12 a.m. and I'm feeling pretty good. Seriously. And I'm tremendously thankful for that.

It looks like a beautiful day out but I know it will probably be very warm. I thought about cutting the yard but we've had some showers this week and my weed trimmer is on the fritz. It needs a new part and the stores don't carry it. I can replace it myself because it is the line cover but you'd think they'd carry something like that. Duh.

For weeks now I've been having problems with sleep and pain. My sleep has been insane and I finally made a decision two weeks ago to go with my body. Sometimes that's all you can do because you're sort of being held hostage by it, particularly in cases of inflammatory diseases. They're assassins.

Anyway, my sleep pattern seemed to go haywire and I found myself unable to sleep till 3 a.m. On top of that, I was having some pain problems. I really was hurting. The weather conspired to take me down as well, and it did a pretty good job of it. I simply couldn't get up in the mornings at a decent hour.

The other odd thing was that I'd be in pain most of the morning and sleepy but by 3 p.m. I felt really good. Of course, I'd attempted to go to bed before midnight for a while but finally, I realized it wasn't happening so, I just decided to go to bed when I got sleepy. In the small hours of the morning between 2 & 3 a.m. I went to bed.

I set my clock for 9 hrs later so I didn't sleep all day. And it worked for the most part, although I rarely got 9 hours sleep, more like 5-6 hours. Still, I was so tired that I spent most mornings dozing in a chair. Nothing was getting done. Thankfully, my friend Sue, and her daughter/my ex-daughter-in-law, Becca came on different days and helped me with housework. Just because a marriage doesn't work doesn't mean people can't remain friends. These ladies are lifesavers to me. I love them both.

Also, I stopped fighting the clock two weeks ago and started going with it, allowing myself to sleep when I felt the need and trying to do what I could around the house. I gave up a normal schedule and was reminded that when I was young, before children, I often sat up that late writing or reading.

This week, I noticed that my hours were shifting back and I was now able to get into bed before midnight and yesterday was my best day yet. I was tired until afternoon. Then, my energy boost kicked in and I actually painted some in the den. I felt really good. I took it easy last night, watched t.v. and read and went to bed. This morning I woke up on my own, virtually no pain, and I have some energy.

So, I'm about to go and tackle the painting again. I have some mild back pain and my right hand is a bit painful. Since I'm predominately left handed this won't be too bad a problem.

I also got some writing done over the period. Not on what I wanted to write but still on one of my stories. Several thousand words at least and I'm happy about that.

My vacation plans fell thru several times. I planned to go to my aunts in Atlanta, drive to our hometown for a visit, then drive down to see my sister in Florida. I planned it to give me the shortest driving times possible. I simply was so messed up sleep wise and had so much pain I couldn't do it. Then the car battery went and I had to replace the tires. So, twice I canceled my trip: one for pain, the other mechanical. I was going to go this week but I don't think I'm going to make it. I have to pick up Sarah on the 22nd of next month and my sister Phyllis is going with me. We planned to visit our niece in Texas on that trip. If I'd been able to go earlier, as planned, I'd have had the finances to do it but the battery and tires cost me quite a bit.

Now, I've got to get going before this energy wanes. I hope I've learned my lesson and will start letting my body direct me better.

I ordered more books so if you'd like to buy one direct from me, it is $10. You can pay thru PayPal and I'll mail it to you. Or you can purchase it thru Amazon or CreateSpace.

Dark of Night, Short of Sleep

So, it's late. Yeah, really late. I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm not sleepy. In fact, I haven't been able to sleep since Sarah left. I don't know why since I usually fell into bed after I got her down. I've been sleeping late to compensate for the late hours I'm keeping. Oddly enough, I have less pain after 3 in the afternoon than I do at any other time and sleeping seems to make it worse. 

I have no idea.

Anyway, it's late and I was washing my face and staring into the mirror a moment ago and I had this revelation. I always said I would not be one of those lonely women who talk to themselves and who can't live without the television on when they're in the house. I'm not making fun of them. Really. There is something inherently sad about that kind of life. It is as if when they lost their spouse, they were unable to survive the silence. 

The really odd thing is that after Jerry died I spent six months in my house with no lights on and no sound. Seriously, I did. I came in from work at just after 5 and as it was the dead of winter it was far gone into the dark. I turned on a light only as necessary. I undressed in the dark. I showered in the dark. I dressed in the dark. If I got on the computer, and I lived on the computer for over a year playing Farm Town with people who kept me sane, the only light in the house was the computer screen until bedtime. 

So, back to my revelation. I was talking to the face in the mirror. I had just turned off the television. I realized that suddenly I've become "that" person. Maybe have been all along because I talk a lot to myself. Sometimes I'm talking to God but sometimes it's me. Maybe it's the human need to hear the sound of another voice. I spent 35 years listening to Jerry. But I've got to tell you, I'd rather hear his voice than my own. 

And on the heels of that, I had a second revelation. 

What difference does it make what time I go to bed? Who cares? Why do I feel like I must sleep? I don't feel better after I sleep. I feel worse. They tout sleep as the very thing patients with autoimmune diseases need. Poor sleep is supposed to be the culprit that worsens those diseases. Sleep only causes me intense pain and I'm never refreshed by it. So why should I go to bed early? Why not stay up as long as I want and sleep when I must. I was always a night owl anyway but had to conform to a husband and children and a world that operated on a different schedule. Now, I have none of those restrictions. I'm that woman. The one who talks to herself, who wants sound in the house, and who can't sleep.

These days the sound is a cd of ocean sounds. I sleep with it on because of the ringing in my ears caused by anti-inflammatory meds but it stays on all day. Sometimes I turn it off but most of the time I don't. I hear it softly on the opposite end of the house. I like the sound because I am reminded of home. Sometimes I turn on a YouTube video of nature sounds. My favorite ones have water sounds but there is one that is night sounds exactly like what I used to hear as a child in the summer sleeping with windows opened. There are crickets and cicadas, and other chirping things and it's just this distinctive sound of a warm, southern, summer night. I think I'm going to get it on a cd so I can listen to it at night. 

I'm going to go to bed now. Writing the post seems to have triggered something. I'm suddenly very tired and I think I'll sleep. I'll probably feel like hell in the morning. The devil will wake me with his flaming poker and pour hot liquid acid in my veins. I'll wake up on fire, swollen, and in my own personal agony. I'll roll out bed praying and hoping I can walk.  It is getting harder.

Starry Night and Stuff

I sat outside for a long time last night, probably until around 9, and watch as hundreds of fireflies twinkled all over the yard. David's tree looked as if it were strung with twinkle lights all blinking at different times. I don't think I've seen that many fireflies in years.

The evening was cool enough that the mosquitos didn't bother me long. I lit the citronella candles and watched the light show with no book, no music, no computer. That was a peaceful evening such as I've not had in a very long time

The last two weeks have been horrible. I've had so much pain over my whole body. From my neck to my feet: neck, shoulders, back, elbows, hands, hips, knees, ankles, and the bottoms of my feet. They all hurt. I even have a bruise on my right forearm that I can't figure out how I got and it hurts. Nothing I've done has helped. This morning, I woke about 5 a.m. and all I could do was lay there and moan. I don't know when my pain has been that bad but a 10 wouldn't touch it. No one to call so I just have to lie there and take it.

I wish I could say I'm better. I'm not. It is just slightly less painful. I could still moan if I let myself.

The painting is still not done and I realized that I need to move some heavy furniture to do it. So, that is going to have to wait until I'm able. At the moment, moving myself is painful. I'm not tackling a china cabinet just now. I suspect all the furniture will need to be put in the garage but that means packing dishes from the China cabinet.

The last two hours day I spent paying bills and straightening my bank book out. I have to get myself better organized here! I'd never have done things this way in the past. Very sloppy bookkeeping has never been my style but in the last year or so, I've just gotten so bad at posting payments and balancing the thing. Sometimes I just stare at it and say, "I don't care." And I don't!

Now that everything is done I may just get myself to the backyard and wait for the show to start again and relax in the recliner. That or just read something.

My plan is to head south in a few days if my body will cooperate. It is awful to be a slave to this disease. I suppose I could travel whenever but long distances alone bother me. Good grief! I flew to Germany from Atlanta, thru New York at 20 alone and two yrs later I returned with a toddler to deal with! Surely I can drive across a couple of states alone.

Three More Days

Wow, it has been a busy week.. and it is only Tuesday! I had a rough weekend. On Saturday I cut the yard and enjoyed a beautiful day. Saturday evening had to go to the ER for a severe case of vertigo. Now some of you who know me will say you always knew I was a dizzy dame, but this was not a joke. I couldn't stand up for fear of falling down. They gave me fluids, radiated me and fed me to the vampires. When they didn't get sick, they sent me home with a diagnosis of unknown. I either was dehydrated or had a spell of.... vertigo!

Either way, I was tired on Monther's day and spent it alone at home. It wasn't as sad as it sounds. Mike took me to lunch so that was nice. I rested all day. The dizziness was gone before I got up that morning.


Monday, I worked around the house a bit, went to the cemetery and walked half a mile. I didn't think I would be able to finish it. I was in a lot of pain by the time I was done. It passed off and I returned to began work painting the den. It hasn't been done in at least a decade and a half. It is time. I'm in the priming stage just now and I hope to get half the room primed by tomorrow and the rest might be done by Saturday. Then, I can put on the top coat of paint. I think it is just going to be bright white.

River City Writers Crossroads

Last night, I attended the River City Writers' book signing at Barnes & Noble. We had a great turnout and a lot of fun. This is such a great group of people and I'm very proud to be a part of this effort. They all worked really hard and I think the book turned out pretty good. It was a lot of fun meeting people who wanted your autograph, too.

Today, I had breakfast with my newest friend, Lisa. She is such a sweetie and it was so nice to be invited out.  This is the second time she's asked me to breakfast and I've enjoyed it so much.  We just sit and talk and when I am done the day seems much brighter. We talked about meeting up to walk. She's just started doing that again. She said she rode 11 miles on her bike yesterday and asked me how far I think I could ride and would it be easier on my hips. Well, I don't know but yes, it would be easier. So I'm considering it. I may need to get my bike out and do a test run.

Now, I'm jotting down this post before I get back to painting. I was going to walk but realize my hips are not happy with me for yesterday and besides, it is over 80 out now and I'm just not feeling a walk. We'll see tomorrow.

Tonight, I believe I have an online meeting with another writer friend. We're sort of our own support group and we try to meet twice a month but with two toddlers, it is a huge challenge for her.

And that wraps up today. I'm stunned at how much  I've experienced in three days. And to think, I have three days to go.

I hope you'll have a great day today. Take time for yourself.

Watery Day Wandering

Rain. All night. Days of it.

I'm OK with it. Really, I am. I've had some really good days during the whole mess. Writing is all but dried up and it is the only thing dry. But I am OK with it. Really.

It is the cold I hate and the dreary rain has brought cold. We had some lovely weather ... a while ago ... what? A week. It was nice and I was not well and so, I could only stare at it from the windows. The way I stare at the gloomy skies from the same windows today. I spent time cleaning the house and putting away that darn laundry that continues to grow, despite constant weeding. I still have some to put away but not much. Of course, I have three loads to wash. Mmmmm.

The wind is blustery today. I can hear the trees fussing in the house.

Did I mention it is cold?

I was contemplating a vacation this morning. I need to go someplace warm, with a pool. Where I can relax and sit by the pool, in the shade, of course, and write, taking a swim now and then. I can dream. Mmmm.

I have no idea why I'm writing this post today. I feel as if my head is stuffed with cotton wool. I think I got enough sleep. I haven't checked the numbers from the CPAP yet but 7 hrs is plenty. Most of this wet week has been a good one for sleep. I've been rested. Of course, I've been on the road a lot and got nothing done at home.

The back yard is a puddle. I really need to have a load of dirt hauled in to fill the bad places. And I need to clear around the garage so the water will drain away from it. it just pools around it and seeps in under the blocks. Very annoying. I can't decide if I need to create a drainage trench or pile dirt up to prevent the seepage. I guess I could talk to someone about that. If you have ideas, please share.

Jerry used to take care of things like this and I simply am stupid in this area. He could find the answers and deal with it. Amazing how marriages work. One part of the couple has one set of strengths and the other has a totally different set. If you can adjust to it and accept that, you can make a marriage work. If it bugs you, you have problems. LOL, we managed quite well. I let him do his thing and he let me do mine. We didn't starve and we accomplished quite a few things. We had some nice arguments, too.

I'm leaving now. I'm good to get in here once a month. I guess I don't feel the need to spill my woes here anymore. Well, I don't have that many woes anyway but seems as if I've gradually run out of rants.

Into the Dark

I'm not sure where the road of my life deviated from the one I had planned. Glancing over the map, I could pick a few places where I took roads that weren't the norm but overall, things have been regular. Until Jerry died.

I suppose that's the deviation. One day you're a cheerful person, whistling along a sunny path. The next you've fallen into a dark, dank hole of unknown depths. You land on a ledge but you have no idea where the bottom is and no way to climb back up. You'll have to shred your clothes just to make a rope and hope it reaches the bottom.

And there you are, naked, in the dark, hanging from the end of a rope. Lord knows how far you're going to have to fall. What do you do? What can you do? I mean, hanging from the end of a rope is death.

Many years ago a woman in my church made a comment, half joking, half serious. She said, "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Easy to say when you're not the one on the rope.

Anyone who's skinned a cat on the playground or done hand over hand on the monkey bars, knows hanging on isn't a problem... for about three minutes. After that, decisions have to be made. Even then you worried about how far you had to fall. It didn't look far but the impact on your feet is always kind of there, in your head. It just doesn't feel good.

So, sit on the Ledge and wither away or climb down that rope into deeper darkness and hope something doesn't eat you. 'Tis a quandary, to be sure.

Sometimes you get pushed off the Ledge and end up doing a free fall. Those aren't fun either. I've known sky divers. They're just insane. Who jumps out of a perfectly good plane for fun? I've knows a few whose chutes didn't open when they wanted them too. That fall put them in the hospital. Mine may not be so critical in that respect. But it is still painful.

What's my point? I haven't lost sight of it. I've had some pleasant dayss thisweek,k but during those brighter days, I've been depressed and feeling like I should turn around and go back. Impossible to go back, of course. All the bridges burned in the fires I left behind.

Maybe I should have taken a different path. I'd have totally missed that hole if I'd just taken a side road. Or I should have been watching the ground more carefully. Then I wouldn't have fallen in.

And never mind the delays to the journey. Those false starts, detours, and places where you have to stop and wait. Any change to the route would have resulted in a different outcome. Right? Well, maybe but I'm one of those who believe the end result can't really be avoided. I heard a psychology teacher once say that as we age we become who we are. I didn't like the comment then because it sounded as if we had no choice and at that point in mylife, I wanted to be more than who I was. I was pretty happy with my life then, but I wanted more and to get there I had to be more. These days I think the journey makes us who we become and who be become determines where we end up. The course is set for us.

Of course, if you've stuck around all this sounds like the mad ravings of a disillusioned woman. Maybe it is. I think I'm evaluating what I'm doing and who I am and how I got to this state. Paul said in Philippians 4:11 that he'd learned that in whatever state he was in to be content. Paul's state was not Florida. There wasn't sunshine and sandy beaches. He fell in a pretty dark hole and I suspect he ran out of rope long before he reached the bottom. His end was disastrous for him. And yet... he said he fought a good fight, kept the faith, and looked forward to a crown of righteousness.

If you look at it, that seems pretty simple. Stand tall, pull your shoulders back, fight your battles with honor and integrity, keep your faith, and keep going, even if it is into the dark.

Running on Empty

https://photos.app.goo.gl/akr7ajj617QvaWi8A

Sleep Therapy Follow-up and General Rant

What Day is It!