Same Old Change.

I've spent the morning just reading stuff. My hands are still not doing well. I started Prednisone this morning. I simply can't handle the pain any longer. My neck is hurting too but I've been putting the patches on that and it has helped. One every 12 hours but I usually do 12 on and 12 off. I found that the medicine, once in my system gives me horrible brain fog. I'm pretty sure it is because it is my spine and the med is going straight to my brain. Not much filter between my skin and spine. My hands don't look swollen, but they hurt very bad. I'll email my doctor but I see her next month anyway and it won't matter.

I'm working on a charity project. I think I've mentioned this over on Writing My Life Away. Writing study guides for some YA novels for a Christian school. Are these publishable? I've been unable to work much on the short story and that has to change now. I've made a decision to pull the plug on most internet things. I have to check email because I get notified of various things that way. I don't have to check Facebook. Everyone had my email and my phone number so unless it is earth-shaking or life threatening, I don't need to read it online.

I think I'll pull it for the rest of the week at least. Until next Monday. Surely I can write all the stuff I need to write in five days! If the pain will abate some.

Mike is going to get a new hearing aid we think. He went yesterday and it all seemed fine but after they checked with insurance they aren't sure. Under the plan he has through the state, it has to be 5 yrs since he had one and it will not be one of the better hearing aids. It will be basically an amplifier. Of course, they'll repair it every year for free.... Really?

So... why wouldn't you provide a better quality rather than pay for repeated repairs on one? Because this is the government and that would mean we're giving quality health items to poor folks. The lady at the hearing aid store was really nice. If he got the nice aide, it was going to take 7 days. The cheaper aide? Four - six weeks. Why? Because the insurance folks have to review the case to see if this person actually gets a hearing aide. Yes. We have TWO hearing test, 5 yrs apart, and his hearing hasn't changed.

We used Beltone last time. This time we're going through a local business who's been around a while. Beltone told Mike he could get the old hearing aid repaired for $500. This store told me repairs were free through Medicaid.... hmmmmm.

Isn't it a great country?

The yard needs cutting. I still don't have flowers or garden done. It is too cold or too wet. Take your pick any day for the last month. Right now, it is 55 degrees in southern Indiana. It is the last week of April! Last two years it was mid-May before I could plant anything because of cold, wet, and pain.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm outta here. The over timer just went off and breakfast is calling.

The Rain Fairy Dance

Hidden away in the Fairy Archives are special treasures waiting to be discovered. I found such a treasure today. Enjoy it. If you get this post by email, please cleck on the blog link to see it. 

A Rainy Day in a Lonely House

"Time does not bring relief; you all have lied   
Who told me time would ease me of my pain! 
I miss him in the weeping of the rain; 
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,   
And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane;   
But last year’s bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.   
There are a hundred places where I fear   
To go,—so with his memory they brim.   
And entering with relief some quiet place   
Where never fell his foot or shone his face   
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”   
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Time Does Not Bring Relief" from Collected Poems. Copyright 1931


"Out of sheer taciturnity the ceiling listens
to the fall of the ancient leafless rain,
to feathers, to whatever the night imprisoned;
so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
Till then my windows ache."
Pablo Neruda

The Bend in the Road

Courtesy MorgueFile.com

There are times when the road you travel takes a turn and you find yourself on a warm sunny day, in a friendly place, surrounded by good people and good things. Today was like that.

I woke up feeling better than I've felt in two years. No, really. The Z-pac must have kicked a bunch of stuff out because I didn't even have sniffles and the only pain I have is my hands and that is rather mild. Yeah, I'm stunned, too.

It was a beautiful morning, but after getting Sarah off to school, I elected to go back to bed and sleep for another hour. I was still sleepy. So I did. Now, normally I never go back to bed because frankly, it is painful. I am usually in pain when I wake up and once I have been up an hour, I've worked off some of the stiffness and the pain is better. But going back to bed would mean starting over. I'd never sleep and if I did, it would be a miserable sleep filled with pain. Today, I was able to lie dow, andd it was so heavenly to lie on my bed and not hurt.

I was up and dressed by 10 a.m. because I had a lunch date at 11 a.m. Tomorrow is the start of Camp NaNo 2015 and I and 5 friends met for lunch to celebrate and kick off the April Camp session. I have an amazing bunch of friends! Really, they're the most awesome people. We ate and talked for two hours and I suspect we could have gone on longer but I think the staff was looking at us a bit odd.

Once I got home it was around 1:30 p.m. and after I fed Mike I packed up the computer and his tax paperwork and headed for the patio. However, while I was working on that, an old friend from Multiply days came online and invited me to a live video chat. Well, with assorted technical difficulties with both Skype and Google Hangouts, we finally were able to talk for about an hour. It was awesome to visit with Nancy January and catch up. Turns out she isn't really that far from where my son lives in Arkansas... just in Oklahoma. I'm going out to visit David after school is out and it would be so cool to visit my friends while I'm there.

After talking to Nancy, I filed Mike's taxes. Now I just have to get mine done. Ugh. I really hate doing taxes but this year, I actually got paid to do some taxes so it isn't so bad when that happens.

This week, I'm hoping the whole week is as nice as today and maybe I can actually do outside work for a bit. I have a lot to do around the yard and flowers to plant. We'll have to see. But then there's Camp... and a short story Anthology to pull together (with help from other writers), and the school is having students make up the missed days via online classes so Sarah's Saturday's will be tied up some. And there is the novel edit I have to get back to now that I'm feeling better.

I've been reading a lot lately. I've finished two Richard Castle novels and one David Baldacci novel in the last two weeks. It was my first Baldacci and I really, really, really like the way he writes, a lot. In fact, it was a bit of a comfort. He does somethings I do that everyone says shouldn't be done.. so now I will be doing them anyway. I'm about to start a new book my friend/group member Rae Ford handed me at lunch today. Not sure if I'll like it but one thing the Kindle did for me is get me to read authors I probably wouldn't have read before. Those authors who offer them free really are gaining readers.

Now, I'm off to other things. Bed probably. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Overheard

Courtesy Pixabay @ Public Domain

Today I had to take Mike, my oldest son, in for his annual checkup. He can't drive himself because of the broken leg. He has no money or insurance and has to use a local clinic that helps low income and indigent folks get medical care. Remember that last bit: low income and indigent. The sign on the doors say it is for the homeless. My son isn't homeless but income wise he qualifies. He has no income.

As we stood at our window a  young woman with a small child stood at the one next to us. She was using the business phone through the service window. Her conversation with the party on the other end of the line went like this. I wasn't eavesdropping. She was talking very loud.

"I'm calling for the person who has this phone. Whoever has this phone, you better return it. I have a tracker on that phone and I am calling the police. I will prosecute you when I find you and I will find you cause I'm tracking you. Whoever you are you need to get my phone back to me now."

She hung up and gathered her handbag. As she walked away she was loudly grumbling. "You better return my phone. That's a $750 phone and I'm not about to lose it."

$750 phone.
$0 medical care.

Yes, I'm making several assumptions. However, once you've worked where I've worked, you realize this is not the exception, this is the rule.

Welcome to America.

When Play Doh Becomes Stone

One Bowl, One Pan

I intended to post this the day I made it but things got away from me. This recipe is for a chicken and rice casserole that my family has loved for years. I haven't made it since before Jerry died. I have hardly any family left to serve such meals so there's no point. With Mike here recovering from his broken leg, I have an opportunity to actually make some real meals. This says it will feed 4-6 but don't count it for more than 4 people, unless you have some extra sides. 

Chicken, Rice, & Vegetable Casserole

Prep time: 20 minutes
Cooking time: 1.25 - 1.5 hr.
Oven temp: 375
Feeds approximately 4-6 people 


Ingredients:

• 1 pkg of Onion soup mix
• 1 cup of milk
• 1 can of cream of mushroom soup
• 1 cup uncooked regular rice
• 10-12 oz of pea & carrots or mixed vegetables thawed
• 1 can of mushrooms (optional)
• 4-6 pieces of chicken (amount will vary based on size of pieces)

Items you need to prepare this dish:

• 1 large mixing bowl
• 1 13x9 in baking pan
• Aluminum foil
• measuring cups
• mixing spoon

Optional but recommended Prep:

1. Line your baking pan with foil. This just makes clean up easier. 
2. Make a tent of foil that will cover the whole pan. I usually have to take two sheets, longer than my pan, fold them together legnthwise so they'll tent well all the way around.

Prepare as follows:

1. In bowl, mix Onion soup mix, milk, and soup. Take out 1/4 cup of the mixture and set it aside. 
2. Pour in rice and vegetables. Mix well. It may be a bit stiff but that's fine. 
3. Pour into your baking pan and spread it evenly.
4. Place chicken pieces on top of your rice mixture. As you can see, I got about 8 small thighs. You could probably use about 4 large breast or leg quarters instead.
5. Pour the 1/4 cup of mixture you set aside over the chicken pieces. 
6. Place foil tent over the pan and seal it up well around the edges. This is important to hold in the moisture to cook the rice. 
7. Place in the oven and set your timer.

When the time is up, open the tent very carefully. Steam will boil out and you can get a nasty burn. I usually open one side, with great caution, and let it vent a second. I also take a spoon and get a small bite of rice out and see if it is done. If it isn't, reseal it and put it back in for a little longer. This is why sealing it tight is important. You have to keep the moisture in to cook the rice. Also, buy good rice. I've used rice that just simply didn't cook in this recipe.

No, I don't have a final shot of the finished product. It smelled delicious and we were so hungry by the time it was done, I forgot all about photos. You'll just have to try it. Believe me when I say it is delicious. I've fed a lot of folks with this meal. There was never enough rice to suit us.  

It has been so long since I made this I had forgotten how delicious it tasted! And yes, we had some leftovers. We had it for lunch the next day. After looking at the photos, I may make this again this week. My mouth is watering.

Returning Balance

You know that sometimes life just gets turned upside down and you can spend a long time trying to right it. Mike broke his leg on January 30th and today is February 15th. It has taken this long for things to settle down and for me to recover to the point where I feel fairly normal. Of course, those of you who know me well know that I'm not even close to normal on a good day but that's another post.

Last night I sat down and finished one of my crochet projects that I've worked on for a few weeks. I used a left over skein of yarn that I used to make Sarah a shrug. I've wanted to try this project for a while but just put it off. In January I decided to try it. 

You've probably seen versions of this here and there in a solid color. I like this variegated yarn by Caron Simply Soft. I use a lot of Caron because it just feels good to touch. It is lighter than most yarns and I've made some nice shrugs with it for Sarah. She even has a dress made with a different variegated color, which you can see on my Ravelry page.

The button on the "clamp" is one I've had in my jewelry box for over a decade. Yes, at least that. I bought it originally to make a choker but never got around to it and I'm glad now I didn't. I do think I should have used a dark solid color to bring out that button and will probably make a second band and transfer it to that. I can get another button for this one that will show up  much better. I will also make that "clamp" portion a bit smaller to give a more gathered look to the band. It stretches and flattens out and I didn't want that. 

If you've read about any of my crochet at all you know I go patternless most of the time, preferring to experiment with my skills. I'm not a master, I'm a creative. I didn't have a pattern for this. I just saw a photo and decided to try it my way. 

I made my band in short rows of single crochet, whereas the photo I saw made their band in the round and I believe they used double crochet. After making this one, I think I'd like to try doing one that way but who knows. I suspect it controls the stretch a bit more. I've made a headband before with a flower. Sarah has since lost both of them. Very annoying. I loved them. I may try this with an even smaller weight yarn. 

I must say it is very warm on my ears and since I'm losing hair along the top of my head due to the RA medicines they're giving me, this may be a viable option to the bald look I shall eventually be sporting. 

Cleaning out the Stalls

You may have gathered by now that I'm taking care of my son, Mike, after he broke his leg on January 30. You know the details, if you read anything on Facebook or this blog. If you don't, you must be lost. Go back one week and turn left.

For those who are current, if you have never taken care of someone incapacitated, you have no clue how exhausting it is nor how frustrating. The patient is not actually to blame for this, although the fact that they are the source would make it seem logical to do so. You have to step back and constantly remind yourself that the patient is just as frustrated and exhausted as you are, for the same reason. They are injured and can't fend for themselves. It isn't their fault, unless they deliberately stepped in front of that bus.

If you think caring for someone who can't actually get up without your help is no big deal, you have surprises coming. I sure in some minds there is the thought that since they can't mess up the house and are controlled by the caretaker, you should have no trouble and plenty of time to do what you want. You can just step away anytime you like and take a break, go out. You'd be wrong.

I am caring for my grown son the way I cared for him when he was one. Don't look like that. It is true. He can't get up and down without help. So how bad can a broken leg really be?

Pretty bad. He has a titanium rod in his leg, screwed in below his knee. The boot they have on him feels as if it weights about 15-20 lbs with the leg inside it. When sitting, I have to help him lift and lower this boot because it is so heavy he has trouble lifting it and he is not allowed to put any weight on it at all.

The bandage you see is over his knee, where there is a six inch incision is where they put the screws into the bone. Today Mike got a look at the portion of his leg that probably smacked the pavement when he crashed and that he can't normally see. It shook him up. That is a bruise. We suspect the bruising around the knee, it extends around the back of the knee to the inside part of his leg, is caused by the surgery.

When he has to move from one room to the next, he has to hop, using a walker, on his good leg, inch the walker forward, and drag the good foot along. This is a very dangerous and tricky process in a small house.

My job is to stabilize the walker if needed and if he falls, guess who has to break that fall? He is nearly 6 ft tall and weighs over 200 lbs. I'm 5 ft, 5 in... sure, just fall on me. There is no way he is leaving this house until the 13th for his doctor's appointment. God help us when it comes time to go down the steps with that walker. No, there's no one to help us.

Then, there is the job of getting him in and out of clean clothes. It is one thing to dress him when he was one year old. It is entirely something else to have to dress a grown child, male or female. And have I mentioned baths? No? Well, let me just tell you, that's a bigger job than building the Eiffel Tower.

I rigged a way for him to get a shower without getting the leg wet and everything else in my 6 ft sq bathroom. But again, I have to help him undress, get in the shower, arrange the curtains and leg. I have to hold the leg to keep it stable while he bathes. I help him redress and get back to his chair. He got to shave last night. By the time this is all done, I'm exhausted. So is he. He is only allowed to do this twice a week. Did I mention my doorway into the bath is only two feet wide. The walker is three ft wide. Yeah. Think about that.

Next is the service component. Being an invalid is a lot like five star hotel living without the pool. Your bed is made. Your meals are prepared, served and your dishes washed. If you don't like something, they take it back and bring you something else. Although, in this establishment, that rarely happens because adding additional bodily harm is not something the guest actually wants. Besides, Mike eats pretty much anything. He never complains about the food.

If you want water, you call for it. If you need a pillow adjusted, you call for it. If you are cold, you ask for a blanket. If you need your urinal emptied, you call for it. If the remote doesn't work, you ask for technical assistance. If your computer won't reach, you ask for help. If you foot slips, you ask for assistance.

Night duty is a bit more strenuous. Imagine waking up every 4 hours from a dead sleep, getting up, changing the ice packs out, adjusting the 20 lb boot so it isn't hurting, emptying that urinal, and insuring pain pills are on time. Last night was a bit less. Mike seemed to have a better night and didn't require as much help. He's moving a lot better today but just moving is quite painful on one leg while holding the other off the floor. Remember the weight of that lifted leg.

I've discovered that television and pain pills are pretty cool things. Used appropriately, they do bring a few hours respite at random times of the day. One can't, however, rely on this all the time. Mike doesn't complain a lot but when he's uncomfortable, it gets tedious. We've spent the better part of seven days trying to build better mouse traps... things to keep that leg comfortable.

Now, if you're relatively healthy, this whole process will be manageable but you're going to be tired. You might get a bit crabby unless you have a sweet disposition ... like me. However, add all this to the fact that the caretaker suffers from an autoimmune disease causing severe pain that is worsened by lack of rest and who's own mobility is affected by that. Imagine lifting that boot with hands that hurt to hold a coffee cup that day. Yeah. Nice.

I learned at a very young age that life dishes out crap most of the time and how you shovel the crap is often going to determine if you sleep in a clean stall that night. I've shoveled so much crap in my life that I've gotten pretty good at it. I rarely sleep in a dirty stall. It helps if you don't blame the crappers for doing what comes naturally. Often they're busy shoveling, too, and some of them don't shovel as well as you. You do what you gotta do and you do it with no expectation of help.

This is how the first half of the today went

At 8:33 my feet hit the floor.
Made a quick potty break.
Assisted Mike to the living room.
Got his foot supported in a chair on 4 pillows.
Made pot of coffee and shared a cup with Sarah (the caramel smell enticed her).
Started a second pot of coffee (tiny coffee pot< LOL)
Cooked 3 breakfasts --
--ready made pancakes for Sarah.
--Made 2 sausage biscuits for Mike.
--Made one sausage/jelly biscuit for me.
Cut up and served pancakes with syrup to Sarah.
Served Mike breakfast with a glass of milk.
Asked if I could sit down and eat my breakfast.
Permission granted.
Looked at clock: 9:33 a.m.
Fixed Sarah's hair. (Bless her, she got her own clothes out and dressed.)
Removed Mike's things from the dryer.
Put laundry washed last night in dryer.
Put on next load of laundry.
Redressed Sarah because Mom wanted different clothes for day trip.
Dressed 1 Doll named Isabella
Made Sarah's bed and straightened her room (with her help)
Sorted laundry washed last week (while Mike in hospital) on Sarah's bed
Stripped my bed
Got myself dressed. Note to self: remember to do my own hair.
Emptied all trash cans with Sarah's help and she took out the trash.
Sat down with Sarah for a Coffee break
Looked at clock: 11 a.m.
Noon: made two lunches and helped Mike get up and move around a bit.
Spent time writing this blog between noon and 2:29 p.m.
Looked at clock. 2:30 p.m.

The Beauty and Benefits of Epsom Salt

Photo by Cynthia Maddox

Sarah was complaining for several months of leg pains. Of course, this is a fairly common complaint for children. Old folks called it growing pains. My Mama did and if you're from any where south of the Mason-Dixon your's did, too. The doctor explained it as expansion of the growth plates in the leg. Whatever the reasons, I vaguely recall the pain from my own past.

I remembered the remedy that Mama and all my great aunts suggested and bought a very large bag of Epsom Salts. I put about two cups in a tub of hot water and popped her into it. We did two baths a week and the pain disappeared. Once I stopped using the salt, the pain came back but not very quickly and when it did, we just did another bath and it left again. In the last three months the pains have all but disappeared. 

Long ago, Epsom Salts was virtually a cure-all and if you looked at some of the material on its uses, it would appear that it still is a miracle working substance. The high content of magnesium is the reason it works. Sitting in a tub of Epsom salt is like soaking in a magnesium bath that you absorb by osmosis - through your skin. It feels wonderful. The water has an interesting feel once the salt is dissolved and you're skin feels different afterward. There are other nutrients in the salt as well. 

My own doctor suggested Epsom salt baths for my fibromyalgia/RA pain. When I use it, I have less pain in my feet and legs. If I had a big enough tub, I'd soak up to my chin in it. My children think I need a hot tub but January soaks in the back yard are not appealing to me.  Still, I dream of a sauna with a hot tub. 

When looking for information about how much Epsom salts to use in a bath I ran across a website that seems to have all you need to know about it. Epsom Salt Uses & Benefits There are others but I just wanted the short version. Of course, they're selling their brand of salt but frankly, you can buy it at Walmart in large bags. I now have about an 8 lb bag under the sink. 

The site includes suggestions for use. I suspect you could create salt scrubs with Epsom salt. The large crystals are pretty and glitter in the light but they are fairly hard so you'd need a mortar and pestle to grind them into smaller pieces for scrubs. The benefits would be worth the extra work. 

Do remember not to use soap in the salt bath. The information I read indicates soap interferes with the action of the salt. This makes sense since soap leaves a residue on the body that would prevent absorption. I don't like tub baths so I usually just soak in the salt bath and get out. 

Sarah actually likes the salt baths now and ask for them. You should try it if you have any kind of muscle pain. 

How Life on the Ledge Works

Courtsey of khunaspix at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I say my life is on the ledge, I'm not joking.

I had to stop work on my novel last week due to computer problems. I intended to reset it on Saturday since on weekends I don't generally work on writing. That was the plan.

On Friday I went to lunch with a writer friend, Robin. I really enjoyed it. We were at the "sit back and chat" phase when I got a call from a stranger saying my son, Mike, was injured in an accident. Mike drives a scooter and so, my mind immediately went into overdrive on what may have transpired.

The caller, another motorist, assured me that no cars were involved but that he'd "dumped" his scooter. The location was just down the road a couple of miles from where I was and not far from his home.

I saw the light first and it freaked me out. EMT vehicle, techs, 2 police cars and police and I think a couple of motorist who had stopped. As they said no cars involved but he had to be taken to the hospital to have his leg checked.

Mike says he thought he hit his brake too hard and the wheel wobbled. I suspect he over compensated. He had not driven the thing in a couple of months due to weather and Friday he was just returning movies to the library and going for a pizza.

In the ER they informed us he had broken the tibia about 4 inches above his ankle and the fibulia just below his knee. He required surgery to fix them. They scheduled it for the next day. He had a rough night. On Saturday they put a rod in the leg from just above his ankle, screwed it into the tibia just below his knee. This would hold the tibia in place and the fibulia would be pulled into alignment and heal normally on its own. Saturday night was even rougher than Friday. They had him on a pain pump with Dilaudid. That's the good stuff. It took hours to get his pain stabilized and even then sleep was difficult. I came home around nine since I was no help.

Saturday night I started the computer reset and with all the back and forth to the hospital Saturday, I was able to do the updates and get it running again. Still no writing, despite my best intentions but at least the problem I'd been having seemed to be solved.

They kept him Sunday and Monday to keep a check on the leg. Sunday I worried because the swelling was terrible and his leg was red. Swelling had to be monitored to watch for compartment syndrome. This is where swelling cuts off the circulation and can cause the muscle to die, thus crippling him. Also, they had to watch for blisters. I think this is to prevent infection. They lanced one that had formed and drained it.

On Tuesday, they cut him loose and we brought him home. For the most part things are settled down. He is having to use a walker to get around and he can't put that foot on the floor at all. So, he isn't getting up except to go from the bed to the recliner. The boot they have him in is very heavy. I can hardly lift the thing. And getting clothes over it is nearly impossible.

I spent the afternoon trying to scrape up money to get his pain meds. I was astounded at the cost for Percocets. Walgreen's was $200. CVS was $184 but they were out. Walmart was $186. We opted for Walmart because I thought they might have a discount for people who had no money. However, when we got the meds they told us he actually had a prescription discount card on file and we ended up paying $86! It knocked off $100. I'm so thankful for that. I had to use my charge card but still it was a lot less than I would have paid. The prescription drug card is one that came in the mail to me a few years ago and it was free. At the time I didn't need it so I gave one to him and one to David. I never figured it was much use anyway but apparently I was wrong.

Last night I was able to rig things up for him to get a shower yesterday but he won't do that often. It is too difficult to secure the leg and insure he won't fall in the shower. We used a kitchen stool I have that has a back and is the height of a bar stool. Bad leg was propped securely outside the shower and shower curtain draped around him to prevent water from getting down the leg. It worked great but the set up is tedious and difficult. I was really nervous that the leg would fall off the support.

Last night was an up and down night. I was up every 4 hours to change his ice pack, readjust the leg on pillows, give him pain meds, and help him with bathroom breaks. Still, I'm not as tired as I would have been, thanks to my taking one of my meds. I take Doxepin here and there for pain and to help me sleep. I didn't intend to take it last night but forgot and did anyway. It was a good accident. When I was asleep, I slept better. So, today I'm not as bad as I could have been.

Today, for the first time in a week, I'm able to sit at the computer to work. I stopped long enough to do this post and now, time for real work.

And that is  how Life on the Ledge works....

I so need chocolate.

Lights in the Dark

January 29, 2009. I'm not sure those numbers will ever be just numbers. Six years ago today my whole world shifted on its axis and flipped upside down. All that was important suddenly became of no importance at all. For months, time seemed to have come to a screeching halt.

I remember very little of the weeks following that day but I clearly remember lying on the sofa that morning, in my living room and feeling disconnected and as if I had been transported to an alien world where I didn't know how to even sit up. Looking back I know I was in a very serious state of shock. I remember saying, "Please come home" over and over, for hours, for days.

You hear about shock in the movies and how it can actually kill people. Jerry had a violent heart attack. It was not a peaceful death. That morning, I wouldn't have cared if it had killed me. As it was, I felt crushed by the mountain that fell on me and I couldn't breath. I clearly remember not being able to breath.

Today things are clearer, well, not the weather. It is windy and a day that began sunny is now overcast. The gloom of my life has lessened but not the hurt. The hurt never goes away. The disappointment is always there. The 'things not done' will never be done. The lost memories are still lost. And I still sit in this house at times terribly and depressingly alone. The plans we made for our life melted away more quickly than the snow that buried them that night.

If you live long enough, you will live through the death of a parent, a spouse, or a child. I will tell you the death of a parent does not compare with the death of a spouse and I suspect neither compare with the death of your child. It would appear that each one is worse than the last if they occur in that order. Or maybe I was just more traumatized than most.

I do not see the world through the same eyes. I often wish I did. The eyes I had then saw farther and the road ahead was sunnier and filled with exciting things for the two of us. Now,  I do not see beyond today. I don't look for silver linings or sunny days or exciting things. I look for my glasses. I look for something I put away but now can't remember where I put it. Tomorrow very well might not come. I don't look for it. I don't have any plans for the future. I don't really have any interest in making any. It is why sometimes, the day slips by virtually unnoticed by me.

If all that sounds horrible and sad and mentally disturbed, good. You need to know that is what happens to people who live through real nightmares. They get lost. Maybe some of them find their way out. I haven't. I've had to learn to live in this land of haunting images and sounds. The sound of Jerry's wedding ring as it ran across those headboard railings during his attack is one I will never forget. The sound of the silence when he stopped struggling forever echos. I will never forget the look of eyes that no longer smiled at me.

Fortunately, I've been blessed with some wonderful friends. Today is not a good day, will never really be a good day but I spent it in the best possible way - with friends, talking about writing, computers, and life. Sometimes, no matter how dark the road, a little light... or two can can push back the gloom.

I Choose to Remember

My Novel Life....

It is Tuesday already? What happened to the weekend? I was so busy working on my book that I didn't even notice it until it was over. And yesterday was a holiday? The only way I knew was because Sarah was home most of the day. Fortunately, my sister came and took her out for the afternoon and I could finish up the first edit of my novel.

Today I've worked most of the day on making the changes that I noted in the read through over the last week. This is a bit tedious. Some pages only have one thing noted on it. But I've finding myself reading the screen and making changes to the text. I had intended to do that but not until I made the corrections noted in the hard copy. Ah well.

I'm fairly exhausted at the moment. I spent a couple of hours this morning getting my self sorted out and cleaning Sarah's room. I changed the sheets on both our beds and sorted and put away some of the laundry that has been lying around a week. I'm telling you, nothing got done in the last week because I spent it in a chair editing this story! The house is no horrible but only because I was cleaning a room at a time here and there. I actually used the vacuum Sunday night and did the rugs. I dusted the den and cleaned it and I think I mentioned it somewhere in one of the blogs. You can go hunt it if you're really driven.

I've got dishes to wash and I need to finish the laundry. I've been at my desk working since around ten a.m. and I stopped around 3 p.m. I think I need to take a break. I've got 18 pages of edits done. There are 140 more to go, some with extensive revision. I have to write the ending, although I have a basic outline of what happened. Why am I dreading writing the ending? Huh?

I have been reading a book as well. I have had to take stretch breaks and mental breaks. That's the best way I've found to distance myself. Reading someone else's stuff helps me forget mine for a bit.

I'm going to take one of those  breaks now. May not get back to the blogs for days at this rate. I want to get this run through done.

Bacon, Bacon

Sarah and I decided last week that Thursday night would be game night and we've been playing Uno Attack. We forgot supper and decided after the second game to forage. 

Sarah recently acquired a love for bacon. She'd never had it before last night. She loves pork chops, too, and would eat them every night if I would make them. Until this last few months she's always been a very picky eater.

We wandered around the kitchen trying to decide what we'd each eat. I was going for soup. Then she gave me a gap-toothed grin and said, "Is there any bacon?"

"Yes."

"I'll have bacon."

So, I take it out and there's six slices. Enough for me a sandwich and her three slices. While it is cooking in the microwave, Sarah breaks into song in an operatic voice and flowing hand motions. I share this masterpiece with you now.

"My little piggy has di------ed, but I don't ca----re! I'll eat him!"

January 11, 1974

Today is my anniversary. Forty-one years ago I married the sweetest man I've ever know. We were together 35 years and although all of those were not good years, the good out number the bad. I've struggled all day to remind myself of that. Even at his sickest, I was his main concern.

January 29, 2009 the King was called Home and left his Queen. There was no order of succession in this kingdom. I'm not a Queen any more. But I still love the King.

Reception at home, January 11, 1974

Return from Honeymoon, January 13, 1974

Daddy, Me, & Jerry, January 11, 1974

Wedding Party, January 11,  1974

The Most Valuable Commodity You Possess

And talk like no one is listening, because they aren't. No, they aren't. They're on their phones.

Did you look around your house over the holiday? I did and it shocked me. Fortunately, the whole week wasn't like that and we had a really good time. But it got me thinking.

I remembered holidays when my family was living at home. We talked, watched parades, football, played games, cooked and ate together amid conversations. We might even go see the Christmas lights together and actually look at them.

We didn't sit around with an electronic device in our hands, hunched over trying to see what the latest gossip was with our friends and extended family. If we were lucky, much of the extended family was with us and carrying on live conversations, playing with the children, or each other.

On November 2nd I downloaded something called Rescue Time. It is a computer app that tracks how much time I spend doing things on my computer. I tell it what is productive and what is distracting. My results are disturbing. Of 333 hours logged since I started using it, 74.30 have been considered productive and 200 have been distracting. That is horrendous to me. That is time I can't ever put to use.

That is more than two weeks of my life spent doing nothing constructive. I've got my settings very strict so there may be a few things in there that you'd consider productive. It wasn't. I like reading blogs but there should be limits to the time spent doing that. I like Facebook but even I can see I'm wasting time.

Since December 28th I've spent 9 hrs watching shows or movies online. I've spent 13 on social networking of some sort. I've spent 8 on writing related items, mostly blogging. That's 30 hours, the equivalent of some jobs, in less than a week.

Because I live alone and have very few local contacts outside of my writing group, I spend a lot of time on the computer. But computers are opportunity thieves, as my results show. Time is a commodity that you control more than anything else in your life. Really. You can't stop it but you can direct it. We live in an age where there are amazing things that allow us to be creative and productive. And yet, we're spending unlimited time on our phones? Why? So we can send meaningless messages? Think about what you're texting and how long it is. Seriously.

I find text so impersonal and pointless that I don't bother to read them most of the time. They're either demands for something or instructions. I rarely text. If you get a text from me it will be to ask a question or answer one and sometimes, I will call rather than answer a question via text. Ask my family.

I also don't always answer text messages right away. More than once family have gotten annoyed and called me to ask, "Didn't you read my text message?" No, I didn't. One of my most recent text messages said, "Are you awake?" Another one asked for a ride. Isn't that so warm and comforting? So, what's my point?

Look around the room where you are and actually think about what is going on there. Are you reading this from a phone? From your computer? Right. Are there people in the room? What are they doing? Did you text them to ask them?

Most people are letting a wealth of time slip through their fingers, literally. Once gone, that time will  never come again. You can't recover it and you can't replace it. It is gone. And sometimes, unexpectedly, the person you could have shared that time with disappears forever.

My house is empty today. There is no one to talk to, have lunch with, play games with, read a book with, or watch a movie. I'm sitting here wishing Jerry was taking a nap in his chair. If he were here, we wouldn't be on our phones, I can promise you that.

Most of the time I have no one to share my time with, particularly at this time of year. I've started getting more involved with my writer friends, doing lunch or just meeting up to chat. However, I decided when I saw the Rescue Time reports that something more should change. Life is not confined to a 3x5 or 15 in. screen. 

Starting today I'll be scheduling Facebook time rather than just getting on and mindlessly staring at the screen. I'm considering removing the app from my phone but will wait until I see how my scheduling goes. It is not because I don't like checking on friends. It is also the only way I  hear from some of my family. But while I'm staring at the screen, life is happening in front of me. 

Sometimes, when I'm out I just sit and watch what is going on around me, like I did during Christmas. When was the last time you sat and just watched what was happening right in front of you, without looking at your phone for half an hour. When did you visit a restaurant with someone and not use your phone? When have you attended church and not looked at your phone for some or most of the service? When have you attended any function, a party, a wedding, a hospital room, a funeral and not played on your phone?

Think about this seriously. You spend priceless time reading a palm-sized screen and missed something important. You baby just made a face you will never see again. Your child just learned to do something and you missed the first time. I remember being in a night class when my oldest son was still crawling. My husband took care of him for me and when I got home that night Mike had started walking. It was both exciting and so disappointing. I had missed it. What did you miss today? How many days have you missed something important?

What a waste of life. I don't have many years left. In fact, none us us may have many years left. But I want those that remain to count for something more than a digital footprint.

Life is filled with unlimited and extremely valuable opportunities. You can't bank time and you can't have too much of it. Time is priceless. You'll never possess a single thing that is as valuable as time. Stop wasting the most valuable item you own. Stop missing life. When it stops, it is forever. 

Blessings To You

http://2015happynewyearimages.com

Wow, what a year it has been. I don't want to repeat it, thank you very much. I do want to send all of you blessings for the coming year. I pray for you to know peace and to see all your hopes fulfilled. I pray for you to know good health, happiness, and prosperity. I pray for you to know truth and for you to be filled with the light of grace. 

Thus saith the LORD, which maketh a way in the sea, and a path in the mighty 

waters; Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know

it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 43:16, 18-19

To all of you who are my contacts, my friends, and my family, thank you. Happy New Year to you all.

The Late Gift

Thirty-one years ago today I entered Baptist Memorial Hospital to have my youngest son. He was 10 days late and they decided I should get the tax-break by having him before the end of the year. They induced me at 9 a.m. and by 12:30 a late Christmas gift lay in my arms. And he was beautiful.

The years I spent raising my boys were the greatest years of my life. There was never a moment we did not enjoy being with them and sharing our lives with them. They went everywhere with us.

Michael, the oldest, was a sunny child but too busy to sit on my lap for more than a morning hug. He was everyone's baby. His exuberance and zest for life were nearly overwhelming and at times exhausting. He bounced out of bed every morning and bounced in at night. but I did have such fun with Mike. He was always smiling and full of questions.

David was a quiet and contented baby. I'd hear him giggling in his crib in the morning and when I'd peek over the rail, he greeted me with a smile and his arms reaching for me. There is no way to express what that is like. David was my baby. He was content to sit on a blanket and play with toys while Mike darted here and there.

I was so blessed to have these two beautiful boys and I could not have asked for a greater gift. They each have their own place in my heart, each gave me a different perspective on life. They have gifted me with laughter and memories that today make me wish I could do it all, every minute of it, over again.

Happy Birthday, David. You are such a bright light in my life.

A Post Christmas Post

After a hectic week of running to and fro, cooking for two days for an army (with the help of my oldest granddaughter), doing dishes resulting from said cooking (with the help of my daughter-in-law --DIL), washing towels for the army, and cleaning house after the troop evacuated, I now sit here to catch you up.

David and his family came in on the 19th and the house quickly felt as if it would explode. There were six of us in here. I marvel that I raised two boys and a dog in this house and sometimes had a sister in residence. A couple of times I had a son with a spouse and then a son, spouse and child. both times it was for more than a year. In less than 1200 square feet. But we did it and I don't recall ever feeling crowded. And yet, when holidays roll around and everyone is here the house feels as if it will explode and I with it. 

But it didn't and neither did I. We had a great time I think. The kids got along well, with only minor nitpicking here and there. The names are withheld to protect the innocent. Wait. There were no innocent children. Still, disputes were few and that's an amazing feat in so small a space. 

I'm a neat freak but with this many folks in a space, it is all but impossible. I know that the DIL washed dishes for two days and that was only what we used to cook. We used paper plates and plastic cups and utensils for eating. Had we not, well I shudder to think of the amount of dishes we'd have had to deal with. Someone needs a dishwasher... {sigh} and the money to buy it with. 

We decided to open gifts and do our dinner on Christmas Eve. My sister had to work Christmas Day. As it turned out, we were so exhausted on Christmas Day that had we been still cooking and gifting, we'd probably been overwhelmed. This way the kids got to play with the gifts, we could eat leftovers, and everyone could sit down and do nothing but relax. We went out in the afternoon so the DIL could take photos. 

On my way back home I stopped by the cemetery and stayed about 20 minutes. It was a beautiful day and the graves were lovely. The office building on the hill began to play Christmas carols at noon. This was a surprise and I just sat and listened to them for a long time. 

Perhaps this seems silly to a lot of people. I don't know if you can understand if you've never lost someone close to you. I know the person is no longer "there" just as they are no longer "here". But I was taught a sense of respect that is virtually non-existent now. My Mama used to say, "You will put me down there (a very rural cemetery) and forget about me." And she was right. We did. I am so far away I can't visit her grave. Yes, I have those memories but there is something about standing beside that grave that brings her closer. I'm never so close to Jerry as when I'm at the graveside. 

I supposed for some it is easy to walk away and forget those who die. Out of sight and out of mind is true. Eventually, you can't even recall the location of their grave. I've been away from Mama's so long I don't know if I can find my way back to that rural location. 

If you think it is foolish, good for you. When it is your turn to leave someone you love more than your life in a six foot hole in the ground among strangers, I hope it is that easy for you. Your time will come before you know it. I hope someone wants to stand beside your resting place and remember you. 

My upbringing was to respect and remember those who have gone and we do that by visiting and taking flowers or just standing beside them for a few moments and remember them. This doesn't take much. I used to go every day. Now, I go when I walk there. I visit on holidays -- his birthday, our anniversary, and on the days we had our children. There are memories we shared, half of which are buried in the ground and forgotten. I spend a few moments giving honor to the man who made those memories possible.  I don't intend to let him lie there forgotten. I do as I would have others do. When it is my turn, there will be no one to do the same for me. It is a dying ethic.

Where's the Revolution

Today's post resulted from these articles regarding Hillary Clinton. 

http://hotair.com/archives/2008/04/01/hillary-fired-for-lies-unethical-behavior-from-senate-job-former-boss/

http://conservativetribune.com/shocking-fact-hillary/

I'm always a little shocked by how gullible the electorate is and has always been. We take everyone at face value. It is an old tradition, or was between gentlemen, that a hand shake was a man's bond. Women always knew that this was a patent lie but we were rarely asked. But it did work to a degree. 

However, there is still this belief in the population that a person in public office should not be questioned, particularly if they belong to one's own party. It is unfortunate that no one investigated the Clintons long before they were elected. I simply mark it up to greasy palms. You grease enough of them and you can cover Mt. Everest. The truth is, that we've grown lazy and complacent with these kind of people. We figure "everyone's doing it" (some of us are too) and so what's the big deal. 

I'm sure there were people in Cuba at one point that really believed that Castro was a wonderful man. There still are. There were people who believe Chavez was a wonderful man. There were those who believed the Russian revolution was a great thing. All of those proved extremely false and devastating assumptions. 

I suspect that true or not, there will be those who will elect such people here. Why? Because ethics, integrity, and honesty are old fashioned ideas and accountability is considered abuse. No one is to be held accountable for their sins in the modern world. It is simply not acceptable to be ethical.

Revolution is just an election away at any time. If we viewed every election as a sort of revolution, we'd have no vested politicians and no chance of one. There would be a reshuffling of the deck every 4 years. 

It is important to keep in mind that real revolution means "change". Beware of those using the word change. What they really mean is revolution and not all revolutions are good, as Cuba, Venezuela, and Russia, to name a few, discovered.

Ultimate Outcome of Inevitable Change

Dallas, SD. 1936
Source: US Dept Agriculture - Public Domain

Mineral Wells is  a small town in Texas. They have an impending disaster. Their man-made lake is drying up at an astonishing rate. Faced with imminent disaster, they're talking about piping water from a bigger lake or shipping it in some way.  Mineral Wells Facing Water Shortage. 

Part of me thinks that's terrible but another part of me thinks this is simply nature doing what it has always done: changing the face of the planet and demographics. 

Historically, the face of the country changed every time there was a drought or other natural disaster. In fact, the face of the world changes in natural disasters. But in the United States, this is more current in our memories and history. Two hundred years ago, if the well, lake, creek, or river dried up, people packed up and moved, usually farther west. 

The Dust Bowl event created a huge relocation of people because everything dried up and was buried beneath blowing sand. The causes of the dust bowl even are pretty much the same ones causing this lake to dry up. Too little rain, over use of resources, and poor planning that upset the ecology of the region. 

In Hawaii right now, lava is devouring roads, yards, homes, and businesses incrementally. People have been forced to leave their homes and watch from a distance as they disappear. Other lakes in the US have also been in the news. California is constantly short of water. Texas has had several years of drought. 

The interesting thing about most natural disasters is that in most scenarios, once you remove people from the location, the environment recovers over time, usually in less than a lifetime. In fact, even the lava covered areas in Hawaii will eventually repopulate with flora and fauna and the nature of the soil will be such that it will be a thriving environment. Until the next time.

Laws of nature don't change. Droughts occur, lakes dry up, wildfires happen. Often our very presence actually increases the effects of the natural events. And now people can't move because they've set down roots. We've chained ourselves to a location in a way that doesn't allow recovery of the resources.

So, we see an even bigger drain on resources farther away because we pipe water from some other lake. Or we ship it from another region in tanks to where we need it. Or we use backhoes and bulldozers to move sand. Or we build towering buildings on former forested tracts. All further attaching us to an area that needs to recover. Modern technology provides us with a means to ease some of the effects without actually solving the problem. 

We've sunk money into land, houses, and businesses. We can't lock up, load the SUV and drive into the sunset. Not only because of the financial loss but because the number of places where disasters happen seem to have increased with the population. We're draining our resources. Excessive and unrestrained usage was never factored in by the Creator. 

In my honest and non-scientist opinion, I don't believe there is a solution to the shortage of natural resources. Natural disasters will continue to change the landscape because they are supposed to do that. Lakes dry up by drought and forest die by drought or fire. They are the means of rebirth. Ultimately, if these events are large enough in scope, nature will force a change in demographics. 

Change is inevitable and we either follow the course of change or we will be buried by it.