A Hurried Trip Through My Week

I actually started this blog on Friday and didn't get to finish it. I hate when that happens. So, we'll do it now.

I hate whiners. Some days I don't like myself. I whine. I've had a terrible week and I've whined too much because of it and by mid-day I was feeling bummed because whining is its own reward. The more you do it, the more you feel it.

I had a lovely lunch with my friend, Loraine on Friday. A nice positive end to the week, at least. She's back home from her summer in Tennessee. Loraine is a nice ray of sunshine and she is such a good friend. Who knew four years ago during NaNo I'd make such a good friend. She's a good listener but today, she actually talked a lot, for Loraine. It was nice to listen for a change.

Walking has been a problem. All week I could barely walk. Shin splints. They're were better by Friday and I took my bike to the cemetery and rode instead of walking but it was so hot. Obviously not doing any hills. I was feeling better doing all that walking. I have to continue. I haven't walked since or ridden the bike. The heat is impossible. I'm hoping for a cooler week ahead and returning to walking. I've bought some inserts for my shoes to see if it helps.

Saturday I spent moving furniture around, clearing some space in Sarah's room. This is all heavy bookcases and a desk with a hutch that only weighs about 700 lbs. Takes two grown men move the hutch off the desk, with a lot of effort even then. I rarely do that. But shoving this thing around the room is work. By eight o'clock I was fairly well unable to move a pillow. The bookcases are quite heavy but thankfully, David moved those. I just manhandled the books.

We decided to take Sarah to Sonic for supper and while we were sitting there I told David, "I can't do this anymore. When Dad was alive I had help but now, I'm too old to be doing this stuff."

Sarah spoke up from the back seat in a chiding voice. "Mawmaw! You shouldn't say you're old! It's true but you shouldn't say that about yourself!"

Needless to say, Dave and I would have rolled in the floor had we the room in the car to do so.

Sunday we went to church. That afternoon around 2 p.m. I decided I needed a nap before church that night. Dave woke me and said, "Mom, don't you think we need to get up? It's seven o'clock."

I looked around window and noted it wasn't very light outside. I said, "Dave, it's Monday, we don't have to work today. I don't have to get up."

He said, "Mom, it's Sunday."

I said, "No it isn't. It's Monday and a holiday. I don't have to go to work."

He said, "Mom, it is Sunday. We went to church this morning."

I still couldn't fathom it. When I finally got my head back on I realized that all of us, me, Dave, and Mike had gone to sleep and slept all afternoon. I knew I was tired and had not slept well the night before because of my aches and pains but I was obviously more tired than even I realized.

Today Dave went to the Labor Day picnic at church and I stayed home, just sitting around crocheting, winding yarn, and watching movies all alone. It has been heaven. We're going over to Becca's in a bit and have cake and ice cream with Sarah. Today is her 7th birthday. She is growing up too fast. I suspect she's still a lot less "mature" than her peers but we've sheltered her from the likes of Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana. She's not into make-up but likes perfume and powder. She's not into baby dolls but prefers stuffed animals and other critters. And she loves a good story. My girl.

I hate that I have to go back to work tomorrow. It just drains me so much. Lately, I'm looking around at what I'm doing and all the things I want to do and finding it decidedly lacking in several areas. I haven't been crocheting as much but I need another skein of yarn for the sweater. I got that on Saturday. I don't want to start the next one until I'm done with this one.

I've been reviewing my online presence for a while now. More and more I've limited my involvement because it has become very unrewarding and was sucking time better spent on more constructive pursuits. And I've stuck to things that are constructive as much as possible. I was even able to do CampNaNo. I'm trying to do some new things with my local writing group.

I was reviewing my blogs and those I subscribe to. I have all the blogs I'm subscribed to in Feedly and I really like it way better than I ever liked Google Reader. Slick, easy to use, and easy to read. And I can skim much better to see if the topic is of interest.

I noticed I'm subscribed to twenty-seven blogs on a variety of subjects. Some are blogs about things I'm interested in, i.e. crochet, writing, widows. Some are blogs by online acquaintances/friends. Some are special people in my life that I just  like reading about their life. Here and there I make comments and drop a note. 

It suddenly occurred to me that only a handful of people ever interact with me on the blogs. I notice more a one-sided affairs. I've noticed before and wondered about it. I don't expect the specific interest blogs to respond unless I make a comment that requires one. But oddly enough, I usually get an email if I do. The blog that I am subscribed to as acquaintances and friends is another matter. I don't make a ton of comments and lately very few. But I'm trying to evaluate the value of having contacts with whom I'm never in contact.

I'm left with one conclusion. Either my blog is uninteresting, a real possibility that I frequently admit to on my blog, or these are people who really just wanted subscribers for their blogs. I don't like being a pretty face. I'm guessing that for the most part, reading a blog that holds no value to anyone but the blogger is a waste of time. My blog is more of a journal and who wants to read someone's diary all the time. I feel pretty much the same way... well, that's probably not true as I enjoy the personal blogs a lot more than my craft ones. Life is always more interesting to me. So, I'm evaluating what I want to keep and which I want to toss on my blog list.

On top of that, I've been reorganizing my circles, eliminating some, consolidating others. I've got too many and while they are handy for categorizing, too many becomes a chore to juggle. They're colored balls that get bounced around. Even when you delete them, they bounce and roll off the screen. And frankly, this is another case of people adding, not to talk to you but to advertise something they're selling, whether a product or service. I don't want what you're selling so bother adding me. If you're not interested in interaction, don't add me. I'm seeing more of the advertising on Facebook too, leading me again to consider chucking all social networks. I really find them tedious in most respects. I even signed on to twitter and find it eminently useless. Even were I a famous person, I'd find it a waste of time.

My friend, Chris, had a very good blog today. It is what I always enjoyed about the Multiply blogs. They were about people and you cared about each other. You shared a lot more. And I have several of those folks on my list and they're probably the ones I hear from most often. It still isn't Multiply but I'm learning more and more how to utilize G+ to fill in the blanks and it helps. So, I'm going to go through my blog subscriptions and do some trimming. Twenty-seven blogs is a lot. Something has to go.

We just got back from Sarah's birthday celebration. It was very nice for all of us to be there and watch her and eat cake and ice cream. I was very proud of David for making the effort. I want someday for Sarah to be able to look back and say, "Mom and Dad may not have been able to work out their differences but set those aside to give me good memories." I'd give anything to have such a memory.

 Tomorrow is a work day. I think I've got a cold. I've been coughing and have some kind of congestion in my chest. Going to take something and hit the hay. Pray for a better week for me.

Penalties and Politics

This week is nearly over and I'm so glad. It had just been horrible. I'm exhausted. I don't even know what day it is! Someone leaving the office said, "Have a nice holiday weekend!"

I looked at them like they were crazy and said, "What holiday?" Then was so relived when someone said Labor Day. Three day weekend!

I have about four or five hearings tomorrow afternoon. I hate this part of the job. I've had to drop people from the program because reporting violations that resulted in over payments. Understand I have no problem with the person has deliberately committed fraud, like the woman who made $700 a week and we paid all her rent for months because she didn't report her income. She owes the government $3700. I hope she gets fired. Someone else needed that help.

However, there are some folks who just make a mistake and forget. We can tell the difference. And we usually work with them. Not this time. You see, our moronic leaders have graciously sent money to Egypt and Syria and Palestine while cutting the budgets of every American housing program in the country. Meaning Americans are going to be homeless in favor of terrorist controlled countries.

The end result of all that is that we are terminating as many from the housing program as we can in as short a time as possible. I sent out 15 withdrawal letters telling those people I was taking away their assistance as of 08/31. Sunday for you voters. Three of those people have small children and I knew they simply forgot. They made a mistake, their first one. One of them is severely ADD and can't even fill out her paperwork without help. She sobbed and begged to be allowed to remain on the program. We are in a short fall (NO MONEY). There is no grace period. Nothing that will allow me to put her on probation and set up repayment arrangements. Her debt? $92. I asked twice if I could make an exception in a couple of cases. The answer was no. If we paid too much rent, they had to go.

We are sending billions to a bunch of people who will cut off our heads.

I am so happy to say I did not vote for that bunch of Washington clowns. And the idiocy of a voting populace who can't recognize what is happening is just beyond my tolerance. Do not even go there with me. I'm not interested in your justification of the raping of this country. I can only pray that the coming election will fix something. I believe it is too late. We've sold our souls ad I won't be surprised if in less than three years this country will be under a socialist or communist rule with most of our rights suspended. Come back and tell me I'm wrong in 2016. I'll print a retraction. I doubt you'll be able to because government attempts to control the press and internet is already underway. Just watch the biased and repressive media reports. Socialist takeovers always begin with limiting press and suppression of diverse political discourse.

Study the Nazi take over of Germany, beginning with Hitler's bid for election. Learn from it. Get acquainted with it. You'll know it when you see it... unless you're stupid.

On top of that, I can't walk for a few days. My shins are not good, nor are my feet.

My RA Doctor wants me to take Metheltrixate on top of the Plaquanil! She took xrays of my hands and I have erosions in my the joints of my hands. Still, no. The side effects of these medicines are already causing hearing loss, potentially can blind me, and reduced my immune system so I get sick more often. I have mouth sores from lowered immunity and have to use salt water to rinse my mouth twice a day to keep them in check. Metheltrixate causes hair loss and I don't even know what else. I don't suppose joint deformity is any worse than all these combined. If I can keep the pain in check I'll deal with it.

And that is what the week has done to my attitude and mood. I'm headed for bed before I say something I'm regret tomorrow.

Long Week, Short Weekend

My goodness it has been a while, a whole week, in fact. Work has been a beast and all I've done is come home, walk and sit and watch British mysteries. I've was simply brain dead by the time I got home each night. I crocheted a lot.

On Tuesday, some intellectually challenged soul decided to mail letters to 1600 participants to tell them if we found them not reporting income we would be dropping them and if they had any unreported income they should come in and submit the attached withdrawal form. Imagine a program with elderly, handicapped, and intellectually stunted people as well as those who have a reasonable intelligence. What do you think happened? Back to back calls for two day and God knows what Monday will bring. It was horrendous.

I have been walking roughly a mile and a half now, if you've been watching on my Facebook and G+ pages. This morning it took me 45 minutes. I dawdled a bit. I've shot several videos about my walks. Really walking in an old cemetery is awesome. I've learned a lot of things about cemeteries, tombstones, symbols of death, and social status. It just has continued to surprise and entertain me.

Today was my local writer's group meeting. We had a really good time I think. We had a writing exercise that worked out quite well. I brought three old photos that I found online and we had to choose one to write about. I chose two of them, which was cheating a bit. Everyone did very well with their story and hearing the different perspectives was really interesting. Everyone saw something different.

Here's the photo I choose: http://www.flickr.com/photos/addie-b/7359602126/



Here's the story that came with it.

Harry and Maude

Harry smiled across the table at Maude as she told him about her shopping trip the day before. He hated shopping but Maude loved it and he loved hearing her talk, about anything, the price of eggs, the spoiled milk in the baby's bottle, the weather.


“I tell you, Maude, you should not go into that market alone. I don't trust those men with the funny hats. They're bound to be up to no good.” Winnie moved a glass and brushed crumbs off the table. “Harry, you should go with her.”


“Nonsense, sweetheart. Maude can charm the birds from the trees. She's perfectly fine on her own. Besides, I had to take that paperwork down to the Judge. He's been out of town for weeks.”


Maude sat silent, smiling at Harry. Beneath e the table she stretched and rubbed his leg with her foot. He blushed and moved his leg. “I think I wouldn't have got much shopping done if Harry had been along, Mother. He's far too much of a distraction for me.”


“Hush child.” Harry chuckled and winked at her.


Winnie got up and began to clear the table. “Well, I'm still not convinced a fellow who wears a turban and long skirts is to be trusted. They have most unpleasant faces and I'm sure they're just waiting to drag decent women into an alley.”


“Mama, do be quiet.” Maude leaned forward and glared. “The servants will hear you.”


“Don't care if they do.” She picked up her tray and started for the kitchen. “Uncivilized heathens, gadding about in the streets. Makes me terribly uncomfortable.”


She left them and silence lay thick at the mist that had rolled in from the mountains. The sun slanted across the balcony, casting harsh shadows. Branches from a nearby tree shaded Harry's face and he frowned. “It can be dangerous, Maude. You should take someone out with you. I didn't know you intended to go on your own.”


Her laughter dance out onto the air and his heart seemed to speed up. “Darling, I am perfectly fine. No one is going to hurt me.”


“That woman three weeks ago...”


“Was in a terrible part of town, Harry. She should have known better than to go there. I'm sure she must have gotten lost.”


“It was bad, Maude. I spoke with the constable.”


She rose and moved around the table, leaned down to kiss his cheek. “I'm not going walking in the back alleys of the bazaar, Harry. I promise. Beside, who'd bother the wife of the ambassador's son?”


He watched her go into the house and then turned to stare out at the forest a dozen feet away. He didn't want to answer that.

Walking on the Sunny Side

A Cemetery Walk

A Weary Walk

I've done so many videos and gotten out of sequence posting them. Thank goodness Blogger allows me to say when a post is date.

Saturday Surprises

Amazing Saturday. I got up at 8:30 to very minimal pain. Yay! I walked over a mile at the cemetery around 10 a.m. in just over half an hour.

Afterward, I went to Sonic and got onion rings and a drink, picked up Sarah and brought her to her dad and then went shopping and bought... yarn. Got something I want to make. I'm still working on Sarah's sweater. I went to Bath and Bodyworks. They had a buy 3, get 3 free. If you've ever been there, you know that's a bargain. Smells like heaven, too. And so will I tonight.

After all that, I came home. Dave, Sarah and I went to supper at Captain D's and had fish. Sarah loves fish. She now likes clams, too, so I had to share them with her. I don't mind. I'm so happy she likes fish I'd give her my whole plate if she asked. It is the one food I can be sure she'll eat and eat enough to insure she's full. I suppose I should start making it a lot more. Wouldn't hurt us either. Sometimes she'll eat tuna fish salad but not often.

I'm so thankful for a really good day! I was walking this morning and about halfway through my walk I just felt so blessed to have that moment of peace and virtually no pain. I almost had to stop in the middle of that cemetery and praise God for it. I didn't stop but I did do some praising as I walked. I did not look to see if any dead rose but as good as I felt in that moment, it wouldn't have surprised me. The effect that walking there has on me is a bit confusing to me. I do not understand why I enjoy walking.

This is a rather long video and very shaky in places. But I had a really good time doing it, as you will probably be able to tell.

Expect the Unexpected... Especially Here

It started as a lovely Sunday morning. We went to church this morning. Sarah went with us. During her Sunday school class, she stepped on the hem of her sundress and ripped the shoulder straps right out of her dress! They duct taped her until class was over. We made a pit stop after church to Walgreen's and got safety pins. Anyone notice that the modern safety pin is basically junk? Really. Those things won't hold anything for long. I can remember real ones that a magnet would pick up and if you ever crushed the little head... that thing was never coming undone. The ones I used today were not as strong as paperclips. How does that happen? I mean, is it more important to hold that stack of paper together than it is to hold up a dress? Oh... sorry... in the current fashionless society, probably so.

I was going to church but about the time I told Sarah to get ready she got sick and vomited up her lunch. She was complaining of a headache and her stomach hurting but I didn't really connect it. Becca says she has acid reflux. She sent some medicine and I've given that to her.She's dying to eat now. She didn't really eat much lunch so it probably is a good thing.

I'm disappointed that we didn't go to church. Dave could go but he doesn't. I've given up on a lot of things. I have no cure for blindness. No it wasn't because Sarah is sick. He wasn't going anyway.

I have a pot roast in the kitchen and I'm going to have roast beef sandwich for supper. I prepared it for lunch but we went out instead as Sarah was with us. She doesn't like roast beef. As it turned out that whole idea was a wash. We'd have saved money just coming home.

Obviously the unexpected is the norm around here. Still roast beef sandwiches sound good. Then a hot shower and writing. I'm going to look for some good preaching online so I can at least get my soul fed.

Grave Contemplations

It is a warm cloudy day. I woke this morning around 8 a.m. and got up, ate breakfast, got Sarah up, fed her and we went for a walk in the cemetery. I'm getting to the point that I look forward to that walk and that's strange for me. I'm not a walker and never was but as I walked today, I realized I like walking there. It is a beautiful place with an atmosphere of peace.

O.k. call me strange. You have to be there I guess. It is so quiet, other than traffic on Hwy 41 that runs N to S of the cemetery but you forget the traffic and don't really hear it. Today there wasn't a soul around but me and Sarah.

And the dead people, as Sarah says. Probably more than a thousand of them lie there. I always tell her they won't bother us. I told her there are only boxes of bones now, that the dead people had gone back to God. It appears she is beginning to grasp that and acknowledged that they aren't really dead but she seems still think in terms that "the dead people are there." Must be a hard concept to grasp but with every walk she accompanies me on, I sense her adapting, little by little, to the idea that the graveyard is not a scary place and death is not a bad thing, only inevitable and that beyond it, there is more that is better. I think that for children, death seems to be an end and humans naturally fear being nonexistent. Yes, we do. Many adapt to the idea but as children, we're still in a natural state, uncorrupted by adult ideals. That concept of death is not natural to children.

 Today we talked about how lovely it would be to have a picnic under the trees. She said, "Under those spooky trees over there?" It was grove of closely spaced trees at the far side of our walk. I looked and it was dark under those trees. I could see how, at six, in a park of dead people, they would appear spooky. "That is just a grove of old trees and it is really pretty. We could picnic there but I'd rather have a picnic over near Pawpaw's grave."

"I bet he'd want a sandwich."

"I think he's probably having dinner with God but I think he'd like for us to have a picnic near him."

"He could spend time with us. But I bet he'd like a bite of that sandwich."

"I bet he'd just like to spend time with us. He loved being with you."

Eventually, she'll grasp it and when she meets death, in whatever form, maybe she will be better able to deal with it than I am. I never learned that and the reality of death was terrifying when it stepped into my bedroom on a dark winter night. It still is.

The walk was done and we left to get her mom and take her by the bank. In the process, Becca had locked herself out of her apartment. So we spent an hour trying to get that resolved. Eventually, I left her on the steps waiting for someone to come unlock her doors. We had a nice chat during that time. I still love my daughter-in-law, well, my ex-daughter-in-law. I hope, for her and for Sarah, she'll do well and find her purpose. It may not include my son, but maybe it never did. We all take wrong turns now and then but the real trick is finding a path that will help us become better at who we were meant to be. If it was a wrong turn, I'm so thankful for the petite, blond bombshell that exploded into my life. And I'm thankful for the woman who has become like my daughter.

Today, pain is relative to what I'm doing. I'm truly thankful for that. At the moment, it is minor aches and pains when I get up or down. I'm trying once again, to eat less of what ails me. Inflammatory foods that tend to be the things I love. For days now I've been focusing on fruits, strawberries, blueberries, bananas, apples and oranges. I need Bing Cherries but they are hard to come by here. Of course, the citrus is considered inflammatory but I don't eat much. My real weakness is orange juice, which I could drink gallons of if it liked me. I've stuck with one in the mornings before work several days this week.

I bought cereal and put the fruit in it. Cereal is another inflammatory food, as is bread, rice, pasta, and any sugar but again, a cup of cereal is probably not going to hurt me. Much. Oh, and onion rings.... I'm still having flings with them. I don't think the onions are an issue but the fact that they are fired probably is. I've managed to stop using artificial sweeteners in my coffee. I buy liquid creamer from Kroger. It has sugar but the amount I use is minimal and only once a day. I've not taken the Doxepin in over a week either. My sleep hasn't suffered... if I'd go to bed at a reasonable time! And I'm now walking more. So we will see how this all plays out over time. My knees and hips do not care for the walk at all but I push forward, focusing instead on the scenery around me.

I'm writing and because I'm not as foggy at the moment, I'm more consistent with the time I give it. Writing 30 days in a row sets up a habit and it is actually harder to stop than keep it up. Speaking of which, I have to go and write now. I've got a couple of people saying I have to finish the Camp story and I agree. I still have no title. Very annoying, that. I suppose it will come to me. If you haven't read it and want to, the link is above. Feel free to give your comments. I will only leave it open until I finish it. I should set a goal for that or for closing it. Maybe October 31st. NaNoWriMo starts November 1st.

On contemplation, this is the most positive post I've done in ages. It would be nice if they could all sound like this. Of course, the paths we walk can't always been smooth and straight. Sometimes they wend themselves through flower-filled meadows, sometimes through gravestone-filled cemeteries. I guess learning to see beauty in the gravestones is the challenge.

A Thursday Walk

The Last Walk in July

That Kind of Week

I had good intentions. Really. I started this blog two days ago! Today, as for the last three days, we've had rain. I like rain but I'd rather be at home reading, writing or just sitting watching the rain. Do you ever watch the rain?

I was going to do a lot of writing but I had unexpected things happen, as usual. I'm really annoyed with myself. Saturday I had a writer's meeting and it was nice to just sit and chat. That morning I didn't write because I had some things to do and after the meeting I sort of ran out of steam, although I did write a little. But Sunday I was just tired and did nothing but sit and crochet. Crochet is the one hobby you can do when you feel bad.

I am having a bit of pain problems but my biggest problem is going to bed and sleeping. I really need to force myself onto a schedule. I stopped taking the Doxepin this past week because I think some of my problems with sluggishness were a result of that pill. It happens sometimes. That or the pill makes the sluggish, foggy feeling worse. Anyway, stopped it and my brain cleared. I really would rather not take it but it is probably the best sleep aid I have. I've been more alert but sleep is not as good and pain levels are higher.

The story has stalled out again but I'll keep plugging away at it. You can tell it stalled out. I've has some nice compliments so that's encouraging. Today, I'm at work and want to be home writing. Mornings are probably my best time of day, even though I'm not a morning person.

I went home for lunch yesterday and wrote on my lunch hour. That was nice! I got ahead and last night could take a rest. As of today, I only need 300 words. I'll finish it on time but short of my original goal..

I have so much to to that I don't know if I'm going or coming. I just realized Saturday that I'll be at the writer's conference in mid-October and return from the weekend before NaNoWrimo starts in November. I have to get my act together. Plan the kickoff, get a few goodies together, and sort out meetings. I have my NaNo friend, Tammy, acting as co-ML and that's should help a lot. She's going to host some of the write-ins as well. I'm looking forward to November but I am going to be really annoyed if I lose another NaNo.

Must go now because I'm hungry and it is lunch time. Not sure what I'll do today. I bought onion rings and went home with them yesterday. Worked out well. Today, I haven't even had breakfast!

So, off to feed and read.

A Yarn about... Well, Yarns

It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside my window! There is something so unjust about the fact that I'm on the wrong side of the window. I got a towel and cleaner and cleaned the window, inside and out. No, we do not have people who do that. Much better view now. I just wish I could be out there.

I've had a better week than usual, although I think it began a bit rocky. I really had a few days when I was not feeling well but muddled through. I'm antsy to get back to crocheting again. I've let it slide this week because I had some pain in my neck and shoulders. I know what is aggravating it. I've been at my computer at the dining table again. It is just too high and the chairs miserable. I have to stop it.

Here's the stuff I got last weekend for my next round of cloths. I finished two more for a friend of mine over the weekend. They came out just as pretty as the others have. You can see them in the photo below. These work up so fast and the variety that is possible is just wonderful. I have one not pictured here that I did in white and used some of the left over to trim the edge. Looks so nice. Now I want to get a bigger variety of colors than the store carries! I bought all this at Hobby Lobby. Their yarn is reasonably priced I think and they seem to have more than some of the other stores.

The orange and brown are for my friend, Carolyn. She's remodeled her kitchen and the walls are tangerine. These came out so pretty and very different from the other two variegated yarns I used. There is a more stripped pattern and it almost looks like a ripple. I'm impressed with it. There was a third one I did but I forgot to take a photo. It was a different pattern and looked more like a woven cloth.

Still running behind on my Camp NaNo story. It is frustrating but I can't help how tired I seem to be. I simply can't think when that happens. Creating a story takes a lot of work and a clear head. I think, no matter the outcome of camp I will continue till I have some kind of resolution. November is not far away and I will have to be done by then and ready to start a new one. I have the writing conference in October so maybe that will give me some inspiration. I do feel as if I've been trying to establish a routine and I feel it more now when I'm not writing. Writer's meeting is Saturday and it will be nice to meet up with them. Commiseration is very soothing. 

Had a lovely online chat with my friend, Jilly, today. She lives in a village in England. I've really missed the blog she did about her family. She's so busy since moving to the village! I watch all these English mysteries and the ladies are always so busy doing things. They always reminds me of Jilly. I've promised myself after this writing conference, my next big trip is to England to see her. I've said it for several years now but I've suddenly realized that time runs out and I need to spend some of it on me. 

I'd best get busy now. I will be so happy when the weekend arrives. I hope the weather will still be as lovely as today.

Wednesday Afternoon Ramble

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

It seems to me that when I'm doing my best, I don't have time to post about it. That annoys me. If I'm only posting when things are bad then it tends to be nothing but a rant. I hate that. And that is probably why I've stopped posting a lot of anything. It is why I started another blog about praise. I just hate posting negative content all the time. I don't like reading it so why would anyone else?

Today is a really bad day and so that's how I know all that. I woke up hurting everywhere and most especially my neck. When my neck hurts I have balance problems and I'm really tired. This is fibro at its worst.To have to work with it is just horrible. Nothing works right. You can't really think clearly. You feel as if you're staggering around. You ache for no apparent reason. And you want to lie down and close your eyes. I sat down in a chair across the room earlier and closed my eyes. I knew immediately I could not stay there. So I got up and redirected my attention to work. 

We had a move briefing this morning. One of the first clients I interviewed had on his Jack Daniels cologne and he reeked. The landlord doesn't want to rent to him anymore because he apparently doesn't like the cologne either. When I told him the landlord didn't want to rent to him anymore because he drank too much. He said, "I drink a little but...." It was the neighbor's fault. 

 He was a friendly fellow who I instantly had an aversion to because he's a drunk who came to his meeting drinking.  He carried his problem with him and didn't understand why he had a problem. His paperwork was incomplete. He didn't have any documents. When I pointed it out he couldn't even figure out that he had not answered 7 pages of yes or no questions. He wanted to spend my time telling me how all his problems were his neighbor's fault. He informed me he was about to make her life miserable because his life is miserable. I didn't point out that he was making mine miserable and I hadn't done anything to him.  You'd have to know my history to understand. Just know my tolerance for drunks is below zero.

Another client, who is also moving, cries everytime I see her. Yes, every time. I think she has a anxiety disorder. Do I look scary? I suppose sometimes I'm intimidating.  When I asked her if she has a problem with anxiety she started to cry again and said she did. She sobs that the landlord hates her. She doesn't understand why. The landlord is tired of her constant complaining. I understand the anxiety issues. I have my own anxiety problems. I understand the landlord, too.

I decided that God sends us people that are mirrors. We are supposed to look into them and see our own flaws. The problem is that most of us don't see any reflection at all. We're kind of like vampires who, when placed in front of a mirror, have no reflection. We look at people like this and see nothing of ourselves. But mirrors reflect things back at us. The fact that you see no reflection is in itself telling you something. Because you should see something. 

It doesn't mean we have the same problems, but we might. Mirrors not only reflect what we see, the also reflect what we feel. They reflect light and magnify it. They also reflect darkness. Have you ever looked into a mirror in a dark room. It's scary. 

This lady made me wonder if I whine and complain too much. Do I do things that make people dislike me? When I'm stressed do I make life miserable for other people? Do I generally make life miserable for others? Am I concerned about another person's anxiety? Do I feel compassion for people who are suffering? Do I even care about anyone else's problems? The drunk... didn't do a thing for me. I didn't feel sorry for him. I have no compassion for his plight. Alcohol is simply a way of avoiding life and and responsibility. He is going to take his problem with him and make someone else miserable. If he looked into a mirror, he would see no reflection.

As a result, I can't say I much like mirrors. Today was not a good day to look into the mirror. I feel bad but maybe in the midst of it all I learned something good. When the lady left she asked me if she could hug me. "You're always so nice to me." {sigh} I looked deep into that mirror. Not really.

A Fish Tale

It was a lovely day that has liquefied. Still, I like rain so I'm good. It has messed up my plans for my walk. Thunder is rumbling overhead so I can't even go with an umbrella.

It is about time I rev'd up the walk schedule a bit. I've only been able to go a couple of times a week but I need to add a couple more days. I think I've worked out the best route, despite Sarah trying to kill me on the huge hill at the cemetery. It is a 21 feet elevation. That may not sound like much but believe me, you feel it.  I thought of adding distance first but I am going to stick with the 10 minute walk and work up to several days a week and then I hope to do twice a day, morning (ouch) and evening.

I am dismally behind in my writing. I've been so tired at night that I barely get a thousand words. Still, I'm plodding along. I go until I can't. I need 2000 a night until the 31st. Not good.

Now, I've got to go and make tuna salad for supper. I've had indigestion all day. The onion rings for lunch probably didn't help but that's all I wanted. I stopped and got them and came home for lunch. Once I finished, I lay down for about half an hour. I didn't get to sleep but I did doze a few minutes. I need to do that more often. Get something really easy for lunch and just rest. I feel better in the afternoon, when I usually have my crash.

So, tuna salad and then write.

A short while later.....

Tuna salad done and it was delicious.

Day 10

I trudged along, uphill, fighting off mosquitoes, biting gnats, and assorted other pests. The trail was muddy, slippery, and on one side was a 8000 foot drop, straight down. I slogged on despite the obstacles. The end of my journey lay up there, at 21000 feet. 

Oops... sorry. Actually, that's me working on Camp NaNoWriMo. It is day 10 and I should be at 10,000 words. I'm at 8,029. I'm behind, as I have been for over a week. I missed several days writing and that is not the way to do any NaNo. Still, I'm plodding along. And despite the perils, I am enjoying the trip.

It has been a busy week and I've had Sarah several nights. It is hard to write with her here. It is very odd really. I never had trouble writing with my boys around. They just knew to entertain themselves when I was writing. Unfortunately, Sarah is an only child and so had no one to play with and so she wants to play with the grownups.

I'm exhausted tonight and about to turn in but felt I should at least boast a bit about my progress. This story is turning out different from what I was thinking when I started it. It began as one thing and has become something else entirely. I do not know what category it fits in. I don't have a title. I don't know what it all means. I suppose the characters will reveal it eventually. I am a bit out of my depth since it has been a long time since I was 18. However, I do remember that at 18 I was married a year. Marley is still very naive in ways I wasn't. So, I guess we watch to see how she changes.

One thing I do know, I feel better in the story than I do in my life. That should be a clue. Stay in the stories.

Camp NaNoWriMo 2013

Assimilate or Die

I just realized that my ticker just turned over the 30,000 mark sometime in the last week or so. I haven't been watching it very closely. I have no idea what it means. I saw on one of my blogs last week that something had received more that 89,000 +1s. Don't know what that means either but obviously not that people were reading it. Please, if you don't read it, don't plus it. That makes no sense to me and indicates you're simply trying to impress me. You didn't.

No, I'm not in a good mood. The stupid story is plodding along but not for four days. I've had my hands full with insanity and simply haven't had the time, energy, or desire to write. I have been reading and crocheting. I had to keep my mind occupied so the atmosphere in the asylum wouldn't send me totally over the edge. It is unfortunate that when people are miserable they think they need to share that misery with others they hate. When it is someone I care about it makes it even harder to get my head around. And I grow weary of it.

To be honest, Dave and I had the most peaceful weekend imaginable. We even commented on it several times. We had Sarah and we took turns spending a lot of time doing things with her. She was absolutely so sweet all weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone and no interruptions of any kind! Two days of quiet enjoyment and getting things done. Sunday afternoon gets here and things go to hell pretty quickly.

I went to church but by the time I got home I was exhausted. We got Sarah on Friday evening. Her mom was going out of town and Sarah had battled an ear infection all week but ear infections I know. As a result of being sick I think she'd got her sleep scheduled out of whack and had slept late on Friday. She was still having ear problems Friday night when we got her and had meds to take. So she didn't go to bed till late that night. Around 3 a.m. she woke me up freezing and crying. She had a fever. I gave her medicine for it and she went back to sleep after a bit.  Anyway, she slept late Saturday, too but she seemed to feel much better and no fever. But she had a hard time getting to bed that night too because she wasn't tired. As a result we were both tired on Sunday morning. She napped in church. But I had to go to bed when I got home I was practically a zombie. Two nights of very late hours took its toll and if I didn't sleep I'd be in bad shape soon. Dave took care of her but he was tired, too. He lay down around 3 and Sarah lay down with me.

I don't have phones in my bedroom any longer. They are in the living room and in the study. You can't hear them except in the rooms they are in unless you are awake. We weren't. My cell phone was in my purse on the other end of the house. Really, I dropped everything and went straight to bed after church. So, when Sarah's mom started calling no one answered the phones and this apparently causes a tear in the space time continuum and this results in a black hole, from which there is no escape. Well, were told she'd be back late Sunday afternoon but we certainly didn't expect a return from Branson, Missouri by 1 on Sunday when she didn't leave till after 10 on Saturday! It is a six and a half hour drive one way! My opinion is, she didn't really go to Branson but I don't care. It isn't my concern. You want a break I can sure understand that.Why lie?  But the penalty for not hearing the phones and answering immediately is a federal offense equated with kidnapping. We took Sarah home around five or six. Peaceful weekend over.

I get a text during church that she needs her car seat that Mike had when he took Sarah to the doctor. I tell her I'm in church and will have to go home to get it. I'm on my way home from church and it is right at 9 p.m. I call Dave to see if he can work with me. Too much trouble for him. I took care of it.

Mike, who went to church too, goes after the seat and meets me with it. I call to tell her I have the seat. We get something to eat and it is nearly 10 p.m. I call and tell her I have the seat. I call and guess what... she isn't there to get the seat. It is my fault of course because I told her I was home and would have to wait till after church. What?

I leave it at the door at her request via phone call.  I go home. The chaos is in full reign. I don't know what happened after that on Dave's end. Sometime around the time delivering the seat, David starts getting nasty grams.  Why? I don't know. I don't care. It's unnecessary.

He's called to say good night to Sarah. but she told him she was not with Sarah. What? Sarah was at a sitter. What? So why couldn't he keep her tonight? Yes, she knew I was off today. Who? She doesn't have to tell him and he needs to call before 9 from now on. What? Uh, he has a right to know where his daughter is if she is not with her mother and he has a right to know who the sitter is. He quotes the guidelines for Indiana and will show the judge the texts in the morning. Suddenly he can talk to Sarah and know who the sitter is.

Really? Really? Was all that really necessary. Why would anyone even go to those lengths to aggravate the man. He ask to say good night to his child around 9:30 p.m. He cares about his daughter. But it became more important to control his actions than to let her know that. Wow.

She doesn't get why he won't talk to her on the phone. I've witnessed many of those calls and read the text messages of both of them. I understand his reasons. He is a non-violent and passive personality who refuses to argue with anyone. Even me. She isn't. A passive person can't talk to someone who is always right, always going to be right, even when they are wrong. You can't be friends with someone who is always going to be in charge, demands constant attention and will always get the last word. And their word is all that matters. It is impossible to build a relationship with that kind of person because it is all one sided. They run the show and if you don't like the show you can lump it but you have to attend the show. It is why no relationship ever survives controlling personalities. They do not compromise. They do not yield. They do not concede any ground. They take everything and suck the other parties dry. And other controlling people they meet are quickly disposed of because they can't be controlled so easily. There is no "what do you think about it?" It is "Here's how it is."

Let me be clear on this. I'm suffering the consequences. I lost someone I loved very much. I attempt to keep a relationship going for both Sarah and her mother's sake. Because when I love someone, I don't just throw them away because they screw up. Even when it hurts me. I still love them. I keep trying to reach out and be a support because I know what it means to be alone and feel unloved. In this case I now struggle to do it. I'm getting tired. I care but controlling personalities destroy more than they create. They push away people who actually try to care about them. Because they can't allow the person to be an individual and they can't accept any reality but the one they create. When they fail to channel their energy in constructive ways control freaks are destructive. And they make big mistakes in their personal lives. They fail at many things. . . a lot.

I suspect control freaks are actually Borgs. If you never watch Star Trek you won't get that reference but you can Google it. In nearly all their encounters, they exhibit no desire for negotiation or reason, only assimilation. Their catch phrase is "Resistance is futile." The Borg directive is to become perfect by recreating everyone in their likeness. Ultimately, in the Borg culture, you must assimilate or die. People who are Borgs create an environment of hostility and aggression. Everyone in their world will comply or be destroyed in some fashion.

It is a great sadness when you care about them.

What happened to "I'd never use Sarah as a weapon" or "You can have her whenever you want her" or oh crap, any of the lies people tell when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you, or simply control situations. Assimilate or die.

I don't assimilate well.

La Vida Loca

It is Tuesday, July 2nd and I feel as if I am short about three hours sleep! I' waiting for the other shoe to drop. Generally, when I am short of sleep or feel I am, I have pain issues to follow. On Saturday, we took Sarah to the horse show and I had a headache that morning. I ended up taking two Imetrex that morning before I could clear it out. That's become a regular thing with my headaches. And they are definitely are tied to the problem in my neck. Once the head stops hurting, the neck typically follows suit.

I spent about an hour and a half writing last night and got my first day of CampNaNo done before 9 p.m.. And I have a running start to the second day.

I am actually happy about my decision to work on last year's November NaNo. The thing fizzled out on me last year and I was disappointed because I kind of liked the character. I'm hoping to breath new life into it. It isn't going the way I want it to go even now but I've decide to let the characters do what they want for a while. I also like the less stressful feeling of the Camp version. Setting my own word count seem to have relieved some of the pressure and not having to do the ML duties makes a huge difference. I love that job but it is extra pressure during November.

I've posted last year's work on a blog and will be adding the sections to it as I go. If you're interested in reading it, you may but after July, it will be closed down.

It is now Friday, July 5 and I'm having a rough morning. I woke to two very painful hips, painful feet, a headache, and heavy cloud cover. The weather has been horrible for days now. Overcast skies that take any desire away to do anything outside. I don't think I slept well either as I overslept and when I got up, I did not have my special pillow. Probably the reason for my neck hurting and the headache. I need a nap badly.

I wrote a little bit last night but my word count fell behind since I didn't write for two nights in a row. However, it isn't so bad I can't fix it fairly easily. I'll be trying to catch it up over a three day weekend. I took Monday off because I have a repairman coming in that day.

While I do like some of what I've written, once again, I don't see where it is going. This isn't that unusual but generally, by the time I have this much written, I  know something about what is going on. I don't with this one and that's a problem. It was a problem last November. I need a catalyst, a big one. A burning barn isn't it. Jim missing isn't it. There has to be something else. Any ideas please feel free to toss them out there.

I decided on July 4th that I'd start walking in my effort to get some weight off and to try and get in slightly better shape. I'm not sure this is going to be possible. Around 10 a.m. I went to take flowers to the cemetery  with a dual purpose. I like it that cemetery, with it's numerous old growth trees, winding paved roads, beautiful ponds, benches, and interesting gravestones. It is really a perfect place to walk. I decided 10 minutes was a good walk and would be something I could manage. I did it and turns out that 10 minutes is roughly half a mile. I went back that evening. My hips were sore and I barely finished my route. When I got up this morning, I could barely walk. Both hips are shot.

Well, it is now past 11 pm and I am never going to finish this! Do not ask about my evening. I got off work and managed to get home and sit down for about 30 minutes. I spent the rest of the evening at the ER with Sarah and her mother. Then, we had to go eat as it was nearly 9 by the time we got out. I managed to get home by 10 p.m.. Hips are no better and walking is very difficult.

My goal is to try and walk again tomorrow but only once to see if it helps and the pain I'm having is just because it is a new exercise. I didn't really work hard or walk that fast. I'm sure the weather is not helping but I can't imagine why I'm hurting so bad. Really, walking is very painful in both hips.

I'm stopping this painfully long post. It will never end if I don't. What a day. No... what a week.

A Day on the Ledge

Wet and gloomy afternoon and evening. The day started with sun and mild temps but by afternoon it was raining and after about an hour of rain, has stayed cloudy. Current temp is 68F. The air feels damp outside but nice.

I went to church this morning but I've had an upset stomach all afternoon. I actually went to bed around 2 and didn't get up until nearly 5 p.m. Woke up twice with acid reflux and thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't but my tummy still feels a bit wonky. Not sure why. I ate some potato chips because I wanted salty. I'm sitting here thinking that onion rings sounds delightful. I have not idea what is going on with all that. For those with a bent sense of humor. I'm not pregnant. It would be both a miracle and an immaculate conception.

Tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo begins and I'm about as unprepared as I'll ever be but I'm going to try this. It's only 30,000 words for heaven's sake. Bad words count so I'll make the effort. My cabin mates seem nice and it will probably lead to some new friendships. So, I'll go with it.

I must remember to ask my doctor again about my SED rate. The podiatrist said my numbers were normal. O.k. What's that about? Normal? That's the same thing my primary care said three months ago. So, if they're normal, what do I have and why do I need to take these pills that are doing other things to me?

I left the house for about an hour tonight. I simply felt the need to get out and alone. I mean, I am alone. David is here but we hardly see each other. He was watching t.v. and I craved isolation. I went to Sonic, not the one in the video, and had onion rings. I sat at the end of the parking lot, facing a row of trees. It was quiet except for the music.

There is this place I am in and I'm not sure if I like it much. I don't feel depressed really. Physically, I think I'm o.k. but in my head is another matter. I can't put it into words, which for me, is an oddity in itself. I'm a writer. I can put anything into words. But not this, not here, maybe not anywhere. I read something today that was so on target and spoke about "ruins of life". It stopped me in my tracks, actually. I never thought in those terms. In fact, I've had trouble defining exactly what was wrong or what term described it. Ruins was so apt that I simply stared at the word. I had this image in my head of this huge castle, with its battlements, and towers, and parapets in ruins, stones tumbled all around with the skeleton of the structure standing against a bleak sky. My life. Every turret, every bastion, every wall breached and broken down. I stand in the central courtyard, alone, starting at this huge ruin that once was a jewel set on a mountain, with pennants and banners waving in the gentle breezes and sunshine. Now, it lies in ruins. It fit so well with what I am feeling that I couldn't shake it. Even now, hours later it is an image that remains.

I'm too old to rebuild, even if I had the energy. I don't. It was today that I realized I'm at the end of something. I don't know what. On my way back home tonight I considered my options. I can keep hoping for something good to happen. I can sit and fret over the ruins. I can live in the moment with what I have in my hand. It dawned on me that was why I spend time doing things that don't move. I read, blogs, books, and news. I crochet. I write. I play a solitary games. There is much that needs doing around me but I don't do it. I don't want to do it because there is no future in any of it. I find myself seeing no further than now. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't really get better. It simply keeps moving forward, carrying everything in stasis.

Perhaps it is possible for some people make things happen. I've lost the knack for that and the desire. I won't bore anyone with details but lets just say life hasn't been very kind. I was fortunate to have a small group of people who took care of me and gave me a great deal of love. They're mostly gone now. Only a few remain. A minister once looked at me and said, "You're a fighter." I didn't say anything and no one in that room knew anything about my life. He wasn't lying. I've always fought for every inch of ground because that was my lot in life. But even warriors grow weary and the best fighter will eventually be beaten. I'm tired.

Before I go to bed, remember that 80's song, I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it was one of my favorite songs. Maybe because the lyrics were mine in some way.

Friday Finish

What a crazy week! Finally it is over. I'm exhausted.

Thursday Update

Sometimes I just don't have time to do anything but a video. This is one of those times. I look terrible but hey, I'm relaxing at home. I'll fix up next time.

My Wednesday Vlog

Good grief! I look like a deer in the headlights. Honestly, it wasn't anything scary. And I wasn't even moving! Oh well, just watch. 

Later that day.......

Summer Camp 2013

I'm going to summer camp! Yep, you heard me. Camp NaNoWriMo July 2013 starts in 7 days and I'm there. I don't know what decided me but I just felt like it was time for something to stimulate my brain.

So, I signed up to write 30,000 words in 31 days. Less stress than the November version I hope. And I'm not doing ML duties in this so that's even a bit better. However, at my writing group on Saturday it felt like I was in a kind of ML position and I think most of the group is comfortable having a go-to. I'm good with it. They're a very nice bunch of folks. 

I have a few issues with the way camp is set up. You are assigned cabins but you can't pick your cabin mates. You can list who you'd like but their bots pick for you. My first go round was not even a maybe. They were all under 25! I don't mind a mixed bag but I have no intention of feeling like the den grandmother. I did a reshuffle and the next day I had a new group. One of my local group is in there and I like Gary. He just graduated from high school but since I know him, I'm comfortable with him. I am not really thrilled with the rest of it but the age range is a bit wider. I think I'm still the oldest. I can do another reshuffle but I'm not sure I want to bother. If it doesn't work out I'll go solo. 

Do not ask me what I'm writing about. I have no idea. I'm going to sit down this week and pull some ideas out of my hat... or vase... or wherever I put them... if I can remember.

I have a few things in the pipeline that I could pull up that were only initial ideas and never really developed so there maybe something to work with. I hope so because I've had real problems coming up with ideas for a while. Side effect of fibro is this mental apathy where you mind is just a box of dust bunnies. Remember how good bunnies are with math? The dust kind are just as good.

Anyway, I'm going to try and have fun with this. I would like to actually write something funny. Unfortunately, I'm not naturally funny. I sort of stumble into it. That's why it's funny, I suspect.

If you've never done anything like NaNoWriMo, you should do this once in your life. Just so you can say you did it, if for no other reason. I waited years to do it and the first year I kept it a secret. The next year I jumped into the deep end and met some of the best people in the world... from all over the world. It changed my life in some good ways and is the best fun I've ever experienced. 

So, come to summer camp with me. We'll weave campfire stories and battle mosquitoes together. I'll bring the marshmallows. You bring the bug spray.

Rainy Day Monday

Winding up the Week

It has been a long week but the days have been lovely and warm but not excessively so to me. We've had rain here and there and usually afterward it has been humid but again, it hasn't lasted long. Several days I've taken lunch along and just sat outside and read.

My feet have hurt but far less than they were hurting. I went to the doctor on Wednesday about them. I am to go to a podiatrist new Wednesday. My RA doctor said she thinks it is plantar fasciitis. You can google it. She gave me some exercises to see if they help me in the mornings, which is when it is at its worse.

I'm exhausted today because I was at the ER last night until nearly midnight with Sarah. She was vomiting and had a fever. I carried her and her mother and stayed with them as long as I could. I probably got to bed around 1:30. I was an hour late for work but it's all right. Poor baby has a bad UTI and had to have an IV to rehydrate her. She is absolutely horrified of needles. If you'd had as many hospital visits as that baby you would too. She'd been in and out of the hospital a dozen times before she was a year old with febril seizures. They stuck her so much. Once when she was about two the seizure was very bad and she was out for awhile. They had to call in the life flight guys to do the IV and they finally had to go in her neck. So, when you say hospital, Sarah just gets so upset.

I'm going home tonight and try very hard to do nothing but relax. I've been going in and putting my feet up. It is the only time they don't hurt. This appears to be typical of plantar fasciitis. Hurts terribly first thing in the morning when you get up, gets a bit better as the day goes on and when you're off your feet. Only to slam you again before breakfast.

I'm nearly done with the sweater. I'm concerned I'm going to run out of yarn. I think I can get another skein but the last time I went looking I couldn't find it. Bummer. Caron Simply Soft has a website so I may have to order it. I'd hate to rip it out halfway and shorten it to get enough yarn..

Writers' meeting at the mall tomorrow at 2 p.m. I think my usual group will be there. I'm planning on doing CampNaNo in July. I don't know if I'm going to do a new story or finish an old one. I think I want to finish an old one but we'll see. I have a week to decide. I need the pressure NaNo gives me to be productive I think.

And as one final note to end the week. My new mattress and box springs arrived today. I will sleep on a springless mattress tonight and I hope sleep better. I'm so excited about going to bed! LOL. We have a mattress factory here and they still make "flippable" mattresses right here. I almost bought a memory foam one but at $1000 I decided not. However, they had several versions ranging in price. I finally selected a foam mattress without springs. I paid about $700 for the set and got a 20 yr warranty on it. Believe me when I say you won't find that anywhere anymore. I searched.

I handed my mattresses to my sister. It is one of the last mattresses that Serta made that you can flip.  Jerry and I bought it a few years before he died. There isn't really anything wrong with it except I have so many pressure points that I simply can't sleep on it anymore. Only time will tell how this new one works but I think it certainly can't be any worse on me.

Start of the Week

Monday is drawing to a close. The sky is overcast and a day that started with sunshine and mild temp ends with drizzling rain and 79F. It got up to 90F today, I believe. My car said 91. An auspicious start to the week, I guess

My weekend was too short and filled with distractions. At least, I felt distracted. I couldn't seem to get anything done but laundry and bills. I was behind reconciling my bank statements. Remember, I was terribly sick from February to May.I only realized I'd forgot to do them when I went in to pay bills and there they were, stacked right where I left them. I apparently had done April's statement but have no memory of doing it and I can't find the reconciliation I did anywhere. I forged ahead and did the May and June one.  I'm fortunate that nothing disastrous occurred in my account. It wasn't a perfect balance but close enough I could live with it. I'm learning that unless it is catastrophic, to just be thankful I'm not broke.

Sunday we took Sarah to church with us and she spent the afternoon in her sandbox. She loves that thing. I'm going to get a new bottom in it this weekend and she has stones to make her a little patio around it. This will save me on cutting the grass but also I hope to fix her a small table for her to have lunch on. It is unfortunate that she is an only child. She has no one to play with and there are times she feels it.

I spent the afternoon on the sofa. I fell asleep, as much as she'd let me. You have to speak to her about every 20 minutes to reassure her that you're around. I don't know why but she is very insecure. If you don't answer, she will come look for you, even if you 20 feet away, as I was.

Tonight I'm sitting here in my den with the back door open and the sound of the wind in the trees, birds singing, and the moist cool air of the evening filling the room. It is how I like it. If there house were quiet, it would be heavenly. Dave is watching a movie in the living room. He'll be done soon and go to his room so I can deal with it. In fact I'm headed for a hot shower and something comfortable. I just finished a book and was about to start another but I wanted to finish this first.

The Final Arrangement by Annie Adams is an amusing little mystery. I found myself laughing out loud in several places. I like a book that can make me laugh and Ms Adams has a knack for it. I'm going to look for more of her books.

I've done more reading lately, since I got my new phone. I have a Kindle app on it and find that using it rather than the Kindle is easier. I got the Kindle because I thought it would be lighter than carrying a book. It isn't. In fact, it is probably no lighter at all.  It is lighter than carrying 400.

Travel wise, the Kindle is only compact... you can carry more books on your vacation. Alternatively, the phone is much lighter, multi-use, and I can still access any of my books to read on it. Yes, it is a smaller screen but I can increase the font to a manageable size and I just tap the corner to turn the page. Yes, it drains the battery but the cord weighs nothing. I bought a car charger to use on trips. So with problems with should and neck pain, the phone is winning.

I think I'll go for now. I've got some things I want to do and I'm getting tired. I'll be around.

A Rambling Mess

A week has come and gone and I've not posted anything worth reading here. I'm fairly exhausted but I am so thankful it is Friday. My feet have been giving me fits and my back has been a pain... well, in my back.

If you remember I cleaned out the shed last weekend and installed cabinets. Was that last weekend? Whoa. I've been punished all week. In clearing out the shed I pulled out about seven boxes of paper. One contains our medical records. One contained all Jerry's military & VA records, at least it seems like all of it. The rest are boxes of bank records, school records for all of us, college for the adults and both boys school stuff from elementary to graduation.

My school stuff alone was a whole file box filled with every note I took and research papers, except for a few that I have stored in a binder of other writing pieces. My notes were awesome. My geology notebooks ... I used three different color pens to do my notes and diagrams. . . in both of them!And they were so neat and organized. I almost didn't want to destroy them. I told David, "I was a good student.... I was flippin' crazy!"

Wednesday night I began the tedious process of sorting to determine if there was anything in them that needed saving. I began with the military files first. This was difficult. I learned things that I should have known, probably did know and denied. Jerry was having problems much farther back than even I realized. It wouldn't have made any difference if I had known then and as I read through the records I wondered what I would have done if I'd realized.

I spent hours looking through my journalism file, reading the notes my professor made, smiling because he was so kind and supportive. I read some of the articles I wrote. It was a nice little jaunt into the past. I sent him a note afterward telling him how much I enjoyed revisiting them and he thanked me for sharing it.

Tonight, I sorted two boxes and it was bank stuff, statements and receipts, some of David's home school stuff. I'd found all of Mike's report cards the first night. I read over his evaluations and realized that all the problems he had in school he is still having to deal with today. Nothing has changed and there's no help for him. That was depressing.

I still have two boxes left and then I have to revisit the military records. I am burning things in the grill and with the quantity I have it will take weeks at this rate. The other two boxes are probably more bank stuff and Mike's social security records I kept for two and a half decades. Once this is all done, I need to start on stuff in the files in the house. And then the closets. At least, no one will have to do this when I'm gone.

The result of all this shuffling is a messy house, the den, anyway. I'm very uncomfortable with disarray. I don't ever remember being this distracted by it until after Jerry died. Once I cleaned everything out it is as if I became uncomfortable with clutter to the point I become very agitated when I'm confronted with it. My house is small and it doesn't take long to fill it up. These days I find that I crave open space rather than crowded rooms.

Sometime in the last week I realized I'll probably never remarry. I don't know why I think that. I'm sure several things are responsible. I don't know any single males my age who I'm remotely interested in. I don't live in a city where I'm likely to meet them. I'm concerned I'd meet some domineering tyrant that will treat me like property. My criteria are rather high and I'm pretty certain no one will ever live up to them. And there is this small part of my brain that says, I don't deserve to ever have anyone. So.

Bit much? I can't apologize. This blog is not your usual blog. I have always pledged to myself to speak the truth about what I think or feel because that is what it is about. I'm not concerned about whether people like it or agree with it. It is the story of my Life on the Ledge.

I have been missing Multiply, my old blog site. I read Jilly's blogs this past week and realized I missed reading about her family and life in the village and Simon's latest project. I miss reading some other's as well. Chris still post now and then about her family but it seems many of them don't post stuff much anymore. I read those of the new friends I've found here and on G+ and I enjoy them. I think it was the fact that we made more of an effort to stay in contact then. But two failed social sites is a bit much so I understand people not wanting to rebuild that kind of community again. Facebook just doesn't do much for me. I'm there and I have several friends from Multiply and from NaNo there I stay in contact with. It simply is not the same. But then, neither am I.

Tomorrow I have a few things I want to attempt to do. Laundry is top of the list. Work on the boxes, which shouldn't take but an hour or so. Get stuff to fix the den/kitchen pass through window so it is functional on the den side now that the cabinet covers 2/3rds of it. I have sewing I am itching to do. I would love a nice long weekend with no one around but me. I'm glad I'm able to help David but I do miss having times of solitude. He's planning on taking Sarah to something in the morning so I'll have a couple of hours I hope.

For now I'll say good night. I'm tired and achy and I've forgot my meds again. Not sure what kind of night it will be for me as a result of that.

A Normal Weekend, Almost

My sons and I put up the kitchen cabinets I've had in storage for at least 10 years. Jerry and I bought the cabinets from a guy who was putting new ones in a house he was going to sell. He had time in a trailer beside the road with a sign that said $300. A whole kitchen worth! The plan was to put them up in our really hideous kitchen where we have two overhead cabinets, one sink and another base about 25 inches wide. It never happened. Even with cheap cabinets the amount of work in addition was just too expensive back then. So we stored them and waited, and waited, and waited. He died.

Anyway about three weeks ago I realized I needed to make a decision. The shed is getting in bad shape. It is rusting. I have to repair or replace it. I can't afford to replace it and I am too tired to think about repairing it. I decided I needed to consider putting the cabinets up and just getting rid of the shed. So, last week I had planned to do that but it rained. This weekend was the one where I simply sucked up my pain and did it.

We got started around noon and by three p.m. I had  a truck load of junk to go to the dump. Both boys helped and we sorted the cabinets and I measured the wall, measured the cabinets. I sent Mike for a stud finder and David for square bits and screws. David put up a support board and we slapped them on the wall. By 5 p.m. the cabinets were up and cleaned up. We had supper at Sonic at around 7 p.m. No, installing is not hard. I'm sure we didn't do it exactly the pros do it but unless you watched us, you won't know i.

To tell you the truth, they look pretty good to have been sitting around the shed for 10 years. Yes, they need refinishing but honestly that is something relatively easy. The original finish is still in fairly good condition. What you see in the photos is after a good rub with Old English furniture polish. And they look just that good up close.

As I stood and looked at the finished job, I thought about how happy I was just to see them up and how pleased Jerry would be to see that. Ultimately, any happiness you experience will hurt. Each time I walk into the kitchen I look at them I feel gladness followed by this little twist of disappointment. He should have been here.

I have three base units to put in and a couple of the drawers need repair, the "floor" of the sink base will have to be replaced the guy who removed it just cut it out to remove the base. But I can't do anything with them until I get the floors replaced. I thought I had photos of the kitchen somewhere on the blog. I suspect it as on Multiply. I have the archive but it is too much to go through, particularly tonight.

The floor is horrible. I painted it about 4 years ago just to make it bearable for me to look at. Three levels of flooring must be removed and a new underlay put down. I can do this with help but it means being without ALL appliances for about a week. Once I get new floors down, I have to put cabinets in and get counter tops on. Never mind the wiring and plumbing. So, we'll see.

Last night and today I have paid for my efforts with horrible lower back pain, shooting pains down my legs, leg cramps in both calves and both feet. On top of that I rode painfilled nightmares all night long. I've been having the cramps in my legs and feet for a couple of weeks and walking is extremely hard. But it has managed to attain a new level of intensity. I got an ice pack around midnight and that got me to sleep only to have bad dreams.

I went to church this morning but after the first hour was not doing so well sitting. My back, hip and leg were not happy with me. I stayed home tonight and I have Sarah with me.

For me the weekend felt about like it should feel. This is the kind of things I like to do. The shed is so uncluttered that even I was suprised. Things were accomplished and that makes me feel more human, more normal. There are few days like that for me. If I were not in so much pain... life might be o.k. This is the penalty for a moment's happiness.

Third Time....

I wish I could remember what I wrote in my failed attempts but I can't. For three days I've tried to post something only to have Blogger eat it as soon as I hit publish. I'm very annoyed because in all the years I've been on here, I've had that happen maybe three times.... total. And now it has happened three times in as many days. Words I can't ever retrieve.

I've had a relatively calm week but it might be attributed to my vacation. I really enjoyed my trip to Florida but decided that my next trip is going to have a couple of beach days in it. I don't know how but it will. I am really in need of more sand and sun.

The photo above is that of a "nursing" pillow my sister, Roselynn gave me while I was in Florida. It is designed for new mothers to put in their lap and use as support to cradle the baby while they feed it. What an invention! I had the idea 35 years ago but used plain old bed pillows.

 Anyway, I'm glad she gave it to me. It has been a Godsend. I have a problem with my neck that causes terrible pain in my shoulder, neck, back, and can lead to a dreadful migraine that can last for days. I have a very hard time sleeping because I wake up in terrible pain if my head gets in certain positions. If the pillow is too thick, I am in agony. If it is too hard, I am in agony. I have trouble shifting from my back to my side because I have to wake up and adjust pillows and hope I can find a comfortable position that will keep my neck aligned and not allow it to shift into an awkward position. And then fall back to sleep only to wake up feeling as if I have a broken neck.

I forgot my own pillows when I went down South. She had this and said try it. So I did. And you know what? It worked. This pillow is soft. I can put it around my neck, lie down and my head is stable. It doesn't roll into a cramped position when I'm asleep. If I turn over, the curved arms are in the perfect position and the pillow the right thickness to keep my spine aligned. No, this isn't what the pillow was designed for but it is about as perfect as I could hope. I've had better sleep for a couple of weeks now. I still have pain when I get up but it is a lot better.

I'm feeling a bit distressed about some things but I can't do anything about it so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm restless and I can't pinpoint why. I don't like this feeling. It is too much like a premonition and I hate when that happens. Really hate it. It is a bit like watching a car accident. You see it coming, know it will happen and you can't do a thing to stop it or change it. Very annoying. 

I'm still working on Sarah's sweater. It is on again, off again. When I get tired of one thing I do something else. You know, if you think about it, our lives are rather dull in general. Unless we're doing something radical, we're all pretty ordinary. I mean, what are you doing? Sitting reading this blog. I'm writing it. When you're done, you'll move to Facebook or G+ or play a game or watch something on television. You might go out and do something outside or cook, clean, crochet, sew or knit. But ultimately, we all generally do the same things, day in and day out. 

I'm going now. My blogs of late are rather boring. At least they're not filled with rants and moans and groans! About time.