A Yarn about... Well, Yarns

It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside my window! There is something so unjust about the fact that I'm on the wrong side of the window. I got a towel and cleaner and cleaned the window, inside and out. No, we do not have people who do that. Much better view now. I just wish I could be out there.

I've had a better week than usual, although I think it began a bit rocky. I really had a few days when I was not feeling well but muddled through. I'm antsy to get back to crocheting again. I've let it slide this week because I had some pain in my neck and shoulders. I know what is aggravating it. I've been at my computer at the dining table again. It is just too high and the chairs miserable. I have to stop it.

Here's the stuff I got last weekend for my next round of cloths. I finished two more for a friend of mine over the weekend. They came out just as pretty as the others have. You can see them in the photo below. These work up so fast and the variety that is possible is just wonderful. I have one not pictured here that I did in white and used some of the left over to trim the edge. Looks so nice. Now I want to get a bigger variety of colors than the store carries! I bought all this at Hobby Lobby. Their yarn is reasonably priced I think and they seem to have more than some of the other stores.

The orange and brown are for my friend, Carolyn. She's remodeled her kitchen and the walls are tangerine. These came out so pretty and very different from the other two variegated yarns I used. There is a more stripped pattern and it almost looks like a ripple. I'm impressed with it. There was a third one I did but I forgot to take a photo. It was a different pattern and looked more like a woven cloth.

Still running behind on my Camp NaNo story. It is frustrating but I can't help how tired I seem to be. I simply can't think when that happens. Creating a story takes a lot of work and a clear head. I think, no matter the outcome of camp I will continue till I have some kind of resolution. November is not far away and I will have to be done by then and ready to start a new one. I have the writing conference in October so maybe that will give me some inspiration. I do feel as if I've been trying to establish a routine and I feel it more now when I'm not writing. Writer's meeting is Saturday and it will be nice to meet up with them. Commiseration is very soothing. 

Had a lovely online chat with my friend, Jilly, today. She lives in a village in England. I've really missed the blog she did about her family. She's so busy since moving to the village! I watch all these English mysteries and the ladies are always so busy doing things. They always reminds me of Jilly. I've promised myself after this writing conference, my next big trip is to England to see her. I've said it for several years now but I've suddenly realized that time runs out and I need to spend some of it on me. 

I'd best get busy now. I will be so happy when the weekend arrives. I hope the weather will still be as lovely as today.

Wednesday Afternoon Ramble

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

It seems to me that when I'm doing my best, I don't have time to post about it. That annoys me. If I'm only posting when things are bad then it tends to be nothing but a rant. I hate that. And that is probably why I've stopped posting a lot of anything. It is why I started another blog about praise. I just hate posting negative content all the time. I don't like reading it so why would anyone else?

Today is a really bad day and so that's how I know all that. I woke up hurting everywhere and most especially my neck. When my neck hurts I have balance problems and I'm really tired. This is fibro at its worst.To have to work with it is just horrible. Nothing works right. You can't really think clearly. You feel as if you're staggering around. You ache for no apparent reason. And you want to lie down and close your eyes. I sat down in a chair across the room earlier and closed my eyes. I knew immediately I could not stay there. So I got up and redirected my attention to work. 

We had a move briefing this morning. One of the first clients I interviewed had on his Jack Daniels cologne and he reeked. The landlord doesn't want to rent to him anymore because he apparently doesn't like the cologne either. When I told him the landlord didn't want to rent to him anymore because he drank too much. He said, "I drink a little but...." It was the neighbor's fault. 

 He was a friendly fellow who I instantly had an aversion to because he's a drunk who came to his meeting drinking.  He carried his problem with him and didn't understand why he had a problem. His paperwork was incomplete. He didn't have any documents. When I pointed it out he couldn't even figure out that he had not answered 7 pages of yes or no questions. He wanted to spend my time telling me how all his problems were his neighbor's fault. He informed me he was about to make her life miserable because his life is miserable. I didn't point out that he was making mine miserable and I hadn't done anything to him.  You'd have to know my history to understand. Just know my tolerance for drunks is below zero.

Another client, who is also moving, cries everytime I see her. Yes, every time. I think she has a anxiety disorder. Do I look scary? I suppose sometimes I'm intimidating.  When I asked her if she has a problem with anxiety she started to cry again and said she did. She sobs that the landlord hates her. She doesn't understand why. The landlord is tired of her constant complaining. I understand the anxiety issues. I have my own anxiety problems. I understand the landlord, too.

I decided that God sends us people that are mirrors. We are supposed to look into them and see our own flaws. The problem is that most of us don't see any reflection at all. We're kind of like vampires who, when placed in front of a mirror, have no reflection. We look at people like this and see nothing of ourselves. But mirrors reflect things back at us. The fact that you see no reflection is in itself telling you something. Because you should see something. 

It doesn't mean we have the same problems, but we might. Mirrors not only reflect what we see, the also reflect what we feel. They reflect light and magnify it. They also reflect darkness. Have you ever looked into a mirror in a dark room. It's scary. 

This lady made me wonder if I whine and complain too much. Do I do things that make people dislike me? When I'm stressed do I make life miserable for other people? Do I generally make life miserable for others? Am I concerned about another person's anxiety? Do I feel compassion for people who are suffering? Do I even care about anyone else's problems? The drunk... didn't do a thing for me. I didn't feel sorry for him. I have no compassion for his plight. Alcohol is simply a way of avoiding life and and responsibility. He is going to take his problem with him and make someone else miserable. If he looked into a mirror, he would see no reflection.

As a result, I can't say I much like mirrors. Today was not a good day to look into the mirror. I feel bad but maybe in the midst of it all I learned something good. When the lady left she asked me if she could hug me. "You're always so nice to me." {sigh} I looked deep into that mirror. Not really.

A Fish Tale

It was a lovely day that has liquefied. Still, I like rain so I'm good. It has messed up my plans for my walk. Thunder is rumbling overhead so I can't even go with an umbrella.

It is about time I rev'd up the walk schedule a bit. I've only been able to go a couple of times a week but I need to add a couple more days. I think I've worked out the best route, despite Sarah trying to kill me on the huge hill at the cemetery. It is a 21 feet elevation. That may not sound like much but believe me, you feel it.  I thought of adding distance first but I am going to stick with the 10 minute walk and work up to several days a week and then I hope to do twice a day, morning (ouch) and evening.

I am dismally behind in my writing. I've been so tired at night that I barely get a thousand words. Still, I'm plodding along. I go until I can't. I need 2000 a night until the 31st. Not good.

Now, I've got to go and make tuna salad for supper. I've had indigestion all day. The onion rings for lunch probably didn't help but that's all I wanted. I stopped and got them and came home for lunch. Once I finished, I lay down for about half an hour. I didn't get to sleep but I did doze a few minutes. I need to do that more often. Get something really easy for lunch and just rest. I feel better in the afternoon, when I usually have my crash.

So, tuna salad and then write.

A short while later.....

Tuna salad done and it was delicious.

Day 10

I trudged along, uphill, fighting off mosquitoes, biting gnats, and assorted other pests. The trail was muddy, slippery, and on one side was a 8000 foot drop, straight down. I slogged on despite the obstacles. The end of my journey lay up there, at 21000 feet. 

Oops... sorry. Actually, that's me working on Camp NaNoWriMo. It is day 10 and I should be at 10,000 words. I'm at 8,029. I'm behind, as I have been for over a week. I missed several days writing and that is not the way to do any NaNo. Still, I'm plodding along. And despite the perils, I am enjoying the trip.

It has been a busy week and I've had Sarah several nights. It is hard to write with her here. It is very odd really. I never had trouble writing with my boys around. They just knew to entertain themselves when I was writing. Unfortunately, Sarah is an only child and so had no one to play with and so she wants to play with the grownups.

I'm exhausted tonight and about to turn in but felt I should at least boast a bit about my progress. This story is turning out different from what I was thinking when I started it. It began as one thing and has become something else entirely. I do not know what category it fits in. I don't have a title. I don't know what it all means. I suppose the characters will reveal it eventually. I am a bit out of my depth since it has been a long time since I was 18. However, I do remember that at 18 I was married a year. Marley is still very naive in ways I wasn't. So, I guess we watch to see how she changes.

One thing I do know, I feel better in the story than I do in my life. That should be a clue. Stay in the stories.

Camp NaNoWriMo 2013

Assimilate or Die

I just realized that my ticker just turned over the 30,000 mark sometime in the last week or so. I haven't been watching it very closely. I have no idea what it means. I saw on one of my blogs last week that something had received more that 89,000 +1s. Don't know what that means either but obviously not that people were reading it. Please, if you don't read it, don't plus it. That makes no sense to me and indicates you're simply trying to impress me. You didn't.

No, I'm not in a good mood. The stupid story is plodding along but not for four days. I've had my hands full with insanity and simply haven't had the time, energy, or desire to write. I have been reading and crocheting. I had to keep my mind occupied so the atmosphere in the asylum wouldn't send me totally over the edge. It is unfortunate that when people are miserable they think they need to share that misery with others they hate. When it is someone I care about it makes it even harder to get my head around. And I grow weary of it.

To be honest, Dave and I had the most peaceful weekend imaginable. We even commented on it several times. We had Sarah and we took turns spending a lot of time doing things with her. She was absolutely so sweet all weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone and no interruptions of any kind! Two days of quiet enjoyment and getting things done. Sunday afternoon gets here and things go to hell pretty quickly.

I went to church but by the time I got home I was exhausted. We got Sarah on Friday evening. Her mom was going out of town and Sarah had battled an ear infection all week but ear infections I know. As a result of being sick I think she'd got her sleep scheduled out of whack and had slept late on Friday. She was still having ear problems Friday night when we got her and had meds to take. So she didn't go to bed till late that night. Around 3 a.m. she woke me up freezing and crying. She had a fever. I gave her medicine for it and she went back to sleep after a bit.  Anyway, she slept late Saturday, too but she seemed to feel much better and no fever. But she had a hard time getting to bed that night too because she wasn't tired. As a result we were both tired on Sunday morning. She napped in church. But I had to go to bed when I got home I was practically a zombie. Two nights of very late hours took its toll and if I didn't sleep I'd be in bad shape soon. Dave took care of her but he was tired, too. He lay down around 3 and Sarah lay down with me.

I don't have phones in my bedroom any longer. They are in the living room and in the study. You can't hear them except in the rooms they are in unless you are awake. We weren't. My cell phone was in my purse on the other end of the house. Really, I dropped everything and went straight to bed after church. So, when Sarah's mom started calling no one answered the phones and this apparently causes a tear in the space time continuum and this results in a black hole, from which there is no escape. Well, were told she'd be back late Sunday afternoon but we certainly didn't expect a return from Branson, Missouri by 1 on Sunday when she didn't leave till after 10 on Saturday! It is a six and a half hour drive one way! My opinion is, she didn't really go to Branson but I don't care. It isn't my concern. You want a break I can sure understand that.Why lie?  But the penalty for not hearing the phones and answering immediately is a federal offense equated with kidnapping. We took Sarah home around five or six. Peaceful weekend over.

I get a text during church that she needs her car seat that Mike had when he took Sarah to the doctor. I tell her I'm in church and will have to go home to get it. I'm on my way home from church and it is right at 9 p.m. I call Dave to see if he can work with me. Too much trouble for him. I took care of it.

Mike, who went to church too, goes after the seat and meets me with it. I call to tell her I have the seat. We get something to eat and it is nearly 10 p.m. I call and tell her I have the seat. I call and guess what... she isn't there to get the seat. It is my fault of course because I told her I was home and would have to wait till after church. What?

I leave it at the door at her request via phone call.  I go home. The chaos is in full reign. I don't know what happened after that on Dave's end. Sometime around the time delivering the seat, David starts getting nasty grams.  Why? I don't know. I don't care. It's unnecessary.

He's called to say good night to Sarah. but she told him she was not with Sarah. What? Sarah was at a sitter. What? So why couldn't he keep her tonight? Yes, she knew I was off today. Who? She doesn't have to tell him and he needs to call before 9 from now on. What? Uh, he has a right to know where his daughter is if she is not with her mother and he has a right to know who the sitter is. He quotes the guidelines for Indiana and will show the judge the texts in the morning. Suddenly he can talk to Sarah and know who the sitter is.

Really? Really? Was all that really necessary. Why would anyone even go to those lengths to aggravate the man. He ask to say good night to his child around 9:30 p.m. He cares about his daughter. But it became more important to control his actions than to let her know that. Wow.

She doesn't get why he won't talk to her on the phone. I've witnessed many of those calls and read the text messages of both of them. I understand his reasons. He is a non-violent and passive personality who refuses to argue with anyone. Even me. She isn't. A passive person can't talk to someone who is always right, always going to be right, even when they are wrong. You can't be friends with someone who is always going to be in charge, demands constant attention and will always get the last word. And their word is all that matters. It is impossible to build a relationship with that kind of person because it is all one sided. They run the show and if you don't like the show you can lump it but you have to attend the show. It is why no relationship ever survives controlling personalities. They do not compromise. They do not yield. They do not concede any ground. They take everything and suck the other parties dry. And other controlling people they meet are quickly disposed of because they can't be controlled so easily. There is no "what do you think about it?" It is "Here's how it is."

Let me be clear on this. I'm suffering the consequences. I lost someone I loved very much. I attempt to keep a relationship going for both Sarah and her mother's sake. Because when I love someone, I don't just throw them away because they screw up. Even when it hurts me. I still love them. I keep trying to reach out and be a support because I know what it means to be alone and feel unloved. In this case I now struggle to do it. I'm getting tired. I care but controlling personalities destroy more than they create. They push away people who actually try to care about them. Because they can't allow the person to be an individual and they can't accept any reality but the one they create. When they fail to channel their energy in constructive ways control freaks are destructive. And they make big mistakes in their personal lives. They fail at many things. . . a lot.

I suspect control freaks are actually Borgs. If you never watch Star Trek you won't get that reference but you can Google it. In nearly all their encounters, they exhibit no desire for negotiation or reason, only assimilation. Their catch phrase is "Resistance is futile." The Borg directive is to become perfect by recreating everyone in their likeness. Ultimately, in the Borg culture, you must assimilate or die. People who are Borgs create an environment of hostility and aggression. Everyone in their world will comply or be destroyed in some fashion.

It is a great sadness when you care about them.

What happened to "I'd never use Sarah as a weapon" or "You can have her whenever you want her" or oh crap, any of the lies people tell when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you, or simply control situations. Assimilate or die.

I don't assimilate well.

La Vida Loca

It is Tuesday, July 2nd and I feel as if I am short about three hours sleep! I' waiting for the other shoe to drop. Generally, when I am short of sleep or feel I am, I have pain issues to follow. On Saturday, we took Sarah to the horse show and I had a headache that morning. I ended up taking two Imetrex that morning before I could clear it out. That's become a regular thing with my headaches. And they are definitely are tied to the problem in my neck. Once the head stops hurting, the neck typically follows suit.

I spent about an hour and a half writing last night and got my first day of CampNaNo done before 9 p.m.. And I have a running start to the second day.

I am actually happy about my decision to work on last year's November NaNo. The thing fizzled out on me last year and I was disappointed because I kind of liked the character. I'm hoping to breath new life into it. It isn't going the way I want it to go even now but I've decide to let the characters do what they want for a while. I also like the less stressful feeling of the Camp version. Setting my own word count seem to have relieved some of the pressure and not having to do the ML duties makes a huge difference. I love that job but it is extra pressure during November.

I've posted last year's work on a blog and will be adding the sections to it as I go. If you're interested in reading it, you may but after July, it will be closed down.

It is now Friday, July 5 and I'm having a rough morning. I woke to two very painful hips, painful feet, a headache, and heavy cloud cover. The weather has been horrible for days now. Overcast skies that take any desire away to do anything outside. I don't think I slept well either as I overslept and when I got up, I did not have my special pillow. Probably the reason for my neck hurting and the headache. I need a nap badly.

I wrote a little bit last night but my word count fell behind since I didn't write for two nights in a row. However, it isn't so bad I can't fix it fairly easily. I'll be trying to catch it up over a three day weekend. I took Monday off because I have a repairman coming in that day.

While I do like some of what I've written, once again, I don't see where it is going. This isn't that unusual but generally, by the time I have this much written, I  know something about what is going on. I don't with this one and that's a problem. It was a problem last November. I need a catalyst, a big one. A burning barn isn't it. Jim missing isn't it. There has to be something else. Any ideas please feel free to toss them out there.

I decided on July 4th that I'd start walking in my effort to get some weight off and to try and get in slightly better shape. I'm not sure this is going to be possible. Around 10 a.m. I went to take flowers to the cemetery  with a dual purpose. I like it that cemetery, with it's numerous old growth trees, winding paved roads, beautiful ponds, benches, and interesting gravestones. It is really a perfect place to walk. I decided 10 minutes was a good walk and would be something I could manage. I did it and turns out that 10 minutes is roughly half a mile. I went back that evening. My hips were sore and I barely finished my route. When I got up this morning, I could barely walk. Both hips are shot.

Well, it is now past 11 pm and I am never going to finish this! Do not ask about my evening. I got off work and managed to get home and sit down for about 30 minutes. I spent the rest of the evening at the ER with Sarah and her mother. Then, we had to go eat as it was nearly 9 by the time we got out. I managed to get home by 10 p.m.. Hips are no better and walking is very difficult.

My goal is to try and walk again tomorrow but only once to see if it helps and the pain I'm having is just because it is a new exercise. I didn't really work hard or walk that fast. I'm sure the weather is not helping but I can't imagine why I'm hurting so bad. Really, walking is very painful in both hips.

I'm stopping this painfully long post. It will never end if I don't. What a day. No... what a week.

A Day on the Ledge

Wet and gloomy afternoon and evening. The day started with sun and mild temps but by afternoon it was raining and after about an hour of rain, has stayed cloudy. Current temp is 68F. The air feels damp outside but nice.

I went to church this morning but I've had an upset stomach all afternoon. I actually went to bed around 2 and didn't get up until nearly 5 p.m. Woke up twice with acid reflux and thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't but my tummy still feels a bit wonky. Not sure why. I ate some potato chips because I wanted salty. I'm sitting here thinking that onion rings sounds delightful. I have not idea what is going on with all that. For those with a bent sense of humor. I'm not pregnant. It would be both a miracle and an immaculate conception.

Tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo begins and I'm about as unprepared as I'll ever be but I'm going to try this. It's only 30,000 words for heaven's sake. Bad words count so I'll make the effort. My cabin mates seem nice and it will probably lead to some new friendships. So, I'll go with it.

I must remember to ask my doctor again about my SED rate. The podiatrist said my numbers were normal. O.k. What's that about? Normal? That's the same thing my primary care said three months ago. So, if they're normal, what do I have and why do I need to take these pills that are doing other things to me?

I left the house for about an hour tonight. I simply felt the need to get out and alone. I mean, I am alone. David is here but we hardly see each other. He was watching t.v. and I craved isolation. I went to Sonic, not the one in the video, and had onion rings. I sat at the end of the parking lot, facing a row of trees. It was quiet except for the music.

There is this place I am in and I'm not sure if I like it much. I don't feel depressed really. Physically, I think I'm o.k. but in my head is another matter. I can't put it into words, which for me, is an oddity in itself. I'm a writer. I can put anything into words. But not this, not here, maybe not anywhere. I read something today that was so on target and spoke about "ruins of life". It stopped me in my tracks, actually. I never thought in those terms. In fact, I've had trouble defining exactly what was wrong or what term described it. Ruins was so apt that I simply stared at the word. I had this image in my head of this huge castle, with its battlements, and towers, and parapets in ruins, stones tumbled all around with the skeleton of the structure standing against a bleak sky. My life. Every turret, every bastion, every wall breached and broken down. I stand in the central courtyard, alone, starting at this huge ruin that once was a jewel set on a mountain, with pennants and banners waving in the gentle breezes and sunshine. Now, it lies in ruins. It fit so well with what I am feeling that I couldn't shake it. Even now, hours later it is an image that remains.

I'm too old to rebuild, even if I had the energy. I don't. It was today that I realized I'm at the end of something. I don't know what. On my way back home tonight I considered my options. I can keep hoping for something good to happen. I can sit and fret over the ruins. I can live in the moment with what I have in my hand. It dawned on me that was why I spend time doing things that don't move. I read, blogs, books, and news. I crochet. I write. I play a solitary games. There is much that needs doing around me but I don't do it. I don't want to do it because there is no future in any of it. I find myself seeing no further than now. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't really get better. It simply keeps moving forward, carrying everything in stasis.

Perhaps it is possible for some people make things happen. I've lost the knack for that and the desire. I won't bore anyone with details but lets just say life hasn't been very kind. I was fortunate to have a small group of people who took care of me and gave me a great deal of love. They're mostly gone now. Only a few remain. A minister once looked at me and said, "You're a fighter." I didn't say anything and no one in that room knew anything about my life. He wasn't lying. I've always fought for every inch of ground because that was my lot in life. But even warriors grow weary and the best fighter will eventually be beaten. I'm tired.

Before I go to bed, remember that 80's song, I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it was one of my favorite songs. Maybe because the lyrics were mine in some way.

Friday Finish

What a crazy week! Finally it is over. I'm exhausted.

Thursday Update

Sometimes I just don't have time to do anything but a video. This is one of those times. I look terrible but hey, I'm relaxing at home. I'll fix up next time.

My Wednesday Vlog

Good grief! I look like a deer in the headlights. Honestly, it wasn't anything scary. And I wasn't even moving! Oh well, just watch. 

Later that day.......

Summer Camp 2013

I'm going to summer camp! Yep, you heard me. Camp NaNoWriMo July 2013 starts in 7 days and I'm there. I don't know what decided me but I just felt like it was time for something to stimulate my brain.

So, I signed up to write 30,000 words in 31 days. Less stress than the November version I hope. And I'm not doing ML duties in this so that's even a bit better. However, at my writing group on Saturday it felt like I was in a kind of ML position and I think most of the group is comfortable having a go-to. I'm good with it. They're a very nice bunch of folks. 

I have a few issues with the way camp is set up. You are assigned cabins but you can't pick your cabin mates. You can list who you'd like but their bots pick for you. My first go round was not even a maybe. They were all under 25! I don't mind a mixed bag but I have no intention of feeling like the den grandmother. I did a reshuffle and the next day I had a new group. One of my local group is in there and I like Gary. He just graduated from high school but since I know him, I'm comfortable with him. I am not really thrilled with the rest of it but the age range is a bit wider. I think I'm still the oldest. I can do another reshuffle but I'm not sure I want to bother. If it doesn't work out I'll go solo. 

Do not ask me what I'm writing about. I have no idea. I'm going to sit down this week and pull some ideas out of my hat... or vase... or wherever I put them... if I can remember.

I have a few things in the pipeline that I could pull up that were only initial ideas and never really developed so there maybe something to work with. I hope so because I've had real problems coming up with ideas for a while. Side effect of fibro is this mental apathy where you mind is just a box of dust bunnies. Remember how good bunnies are with math? The dust kind are just as good.

Anyway, I'm going to try and have fun with this. I would like to actually write something funny. Unfortunately, I'm not naturally funny. I sort of stumble into it. That's why it's funny, I suspect.

If you've never done anything like NaNoWriMo, you should do this once in your life. Just so you can say you did it, if for no other reason. I waited years to do it and the first year I kept it a secret. The next year I jumped into the deep end and met some of the best people in the world... from all over the world. It changed my life in some good ways and is the best fun I've ever experienced. 

So, come to summer camp with me. We'll weave campfire stories and battle mosquitoes together. I'll bring the marshmallows. You bring the bug spray.

Rainy Day Monday

Winding up the Week

It has been a long week but the days have been lovely and warm but not excessively so to me. We've had rain here and there and usually afterward it has been humid but again, it hasn't lasted long. Several days I've taken lunch along and just sat outside and read.

My feet have hurt but far less than they were hurting. I went to the doctor on Wednesday about them. I am to go to a podiatrist new Wednesday. My RA doctor said she thinks it is plantar fasciitis. You can google it. She gave me some exercises to see if they help me in the mornings, which is when it is at its worse.

I'm exhausted today because I was at the ER last night until nearly midnight with Sarah. She was vomiting and had a fever. I carried her and her mother and stayed with them as long as I could. I probably got to bed around 1:30. I was an hour late for work but it's all right. Poor baby has a bad UTI and had to have an IV to rehydrate her. She is absolutely horrified of needles. If you'd had as many hospital visits as that baby you would too. She'd been in and out of the hospital a dozen times before she was a year old with febril seizures. They stuck her so much. Once when she was about two the seizure was very bad and she was out for awhile. They had to call in the life flight guys to do the IV and they finally had to go in her neck. So, when you say hospital, Sarah just gets so upset.

I'm going home tonight and try very hard to do nothing but relax. I've been going in and putting my feet up. It is the only time they don't hurt. This appears to be typical of plantar fasciitis. Hurts terribly first thing in the morning when you get up, gets a bit better as the day goes on and when you're off your feet. Only to slam you again before breakfast.

I'm nearly done with the sweater. I'm concerned I'm going to run out of yarn. I think I can get another skein but the last time I went looking I couldn't find it. Bummer. Caron Simply Soft has a website so I may have to order it. I'd hate to rip it out halfway and shorten it to get enough yarn..

Writers' meeting at the mall tomorrow at 2 p.m. I think my usual group will be there. I'm planning on doing CampNaNo in July. I don't know if I'm going to do a new story or finish an old one. I think I want to finish an old one but we'll see. I have a week to decide. I need the pressure NaNo gives me to be productive I think.

And as one final note to end the week. My new mattress and box springs arrived today. I will sleep on a springless mattress tonight and I hope sleep better. I'm so excited about going to bed! LOL. We have a mattress factory here and they still make "flippable" mattresses right here. I almost bought a memory foam one but at $1000 I decided not. However, they had several versions ranging in price. I finally selected a foam mattress without springs. I paid about $700 for the set and got a 20 yr warranty on it. Believe me when I say you won't find that anywhere anymore. I searched.

I handed my mattresses to my sister. It is one of the last mattresses that Serta made that you can flip.  Jerry and I bought it a few years before he died. There isn't really anything wrong with it except I have so many pressure points that I simply can't sleep on it anymore. Only time will tell how this new one works but I think it certainly can't be any worse on me.

Start of the Week

Monday is drawing to a close. The sky is overcast and a day that started with sunshine and mild temp ends with drizzling rain and 79F. It got up to 90F today, I believe. My car said 91. An auspicious start to the week, I guess

My weekend was too short and filled with distractions. At least, I felt distracted. I couldn't seem to get anything done but laundry and bills. I was behind reconciling my bank statements. Remember, I was terribly sick from February to May.I only realized I'd forgot to do them when I went in to pay bills and there they were, stacked right where I left them. I apparently had done April's statement but have no memory of doing it and I can't find the reconciliation I did anywhere. I forged ahead and did the May and June one.  I'm fortunate that nothing disastrous occurred in my account. It wasn't a perfect balance but close enough I could live with it. I'm learning that unless it is catastrophic, to just be thankful I'm not broke.

Sunday we took Sarah to church with us and she spent the afternoon in her sandbox. She loves that thing. I'm going to get a new bottom in it this weekend and she has stones to make her a little patio around it. This will save me on cutting the grass but also I hope to fix her a small table for her to have lunch on. It is unfortunate that she is an only child. She has no one to play with and there are times she feels it.

I spent the afternoon on the sofa. I fell asleep, as much as she'd let me. You have to speak to her about every 20 minutes to reassure her that you're around. I don't know why but she is very insecure. If you don't answer, she will come look for you, even if you 20 feet away, as I was.

Tonight I'm sitting here in my den with the back door open and the sound of the wind in the trees, birds singing, and the moist cool air of the evening filling the room. It is how I like it. If there house were quiet, it would be heavenly. Dave is watching a movie in the living room. He'll be done soon and go to his room so I can deal with it. In fact I'm headed for a hot shower and something comfortable. I just finished a book and was about to start another but I wanted to finish this first.

The Final Arrangement by Annie Adams is an amusing little mystery. I found myself laughing out loud in several places. I like a book that can make me laugh and Ms Adams has a knack for it. I'm going to look for more of her books.

I've done more reading lately, since I got my new phone. I have a Kindle app on it and find that using it rather than the Kindle is easier. I got the Kindle because I thought it would be lighter than carrying a book. It isn't. In fact, it is probably no lighter at all.  It is lighter than carrying 400.

Travel wise, the Kindle is only compact... you can carry more books on your vacation. Alternatively, the phone is much lighter, multi-use, and I can still access any of my books to read on it. Yes, it is a smaller screen but I can increase the font to a manageable size and I just tap the corner to turn the page. Yes, it drains the battery but the cord weighs nothing. I bought a car charger to use on trips. So with problems with should and neck pain, the phone is winning.

I think I'll go for now. I've got some things I want to do and I'm getting tired. I'll be around.

A Rambling Mess

A week has come and gone and I've not posted anything worth reading here. I'm fairly exhausted but I am so thankful it is Friday. My feet have been giving me fits and my back has been a pain... well, in my back.

If you remember I cleaned out the shed last weekend and installed cabinets. Was that last weekend? Whoa. I've been punished all week. In clearing out the shed I pulled out about seven boxes of paper. One contains our medical records. One contained all Jerry's military & VA records, at least it seems like all of it. The rest are boxes of bank records, school records for all of us, college for the adults and both boys school stuff from elementary to graduation.

My school stuff alone was a whole file box filled with every note I took and research papers, except for a few that I have stored in a binder of other writing pieces. My notes were awesome. My geology notebooks ... I used three different color pens to do my notes and diagrams. . . in both of them!And they were so neat and organized. I almost didn't want to destroy them. I told David, "I was a good student.... I was flippin' crazy!"

Wednesday night I began the tedious process of sorting to determine if there was anything in them that needed saving. I began with the military files first. This was difficult. I learned things that I should have known, probably did know and denied. Jerry was having problems much farther back than even I realized. It wouldn't have made any difference if I had known then and as I read through the records I wondered what I would have done if I'd realized.

I spent hours looking through my journalism file, reading the notes my professor made, smiling because he was so kind and supportive. I read some of the articles I wrote. It was a nice little jaunt into the past. I sent him a note afterward telling him how much I enjoyed revisiting them and he thanked me for sharing it.

Tonight, I sorted two boxes and it was bank stuff, statements and receipts, some of David's home school stuff. I'd found all of Mike's report cards the first night. I read over his evaluations and realized that all the problems he had in school he is still having to deal with today. Nothing has changed and there's no help for him. That was depressing.

I still have two boxes left and then I have to revisit the military records. I am burning things in the grill and with the quantity I have it will take weeks at this rate. The other two boxes are probably more bank stuff and Mike's social security records I kept for two and a half decades. Once this is all done, I need to start on stuff in the files in the house. And then the closets. At least, no one will have to do this when I'm gone.

The result of all this shuffling is a messy house, the den, anyway. I'm very uncomfortable with disarray. I don't ever remember being this distracted by it until after Jerry died. Once I cleaned everything out it is as if I became uncomfortable with clutter to the point I become very agitated when I'm confronted with it. My house is small and it doesn't take long to fill it up. These days I find that I crave open space rather than crowded rooms.

Sometime in the last week I realized I'll probably never remarry. I don't know why I think that. I'm sure several things are responsible. I don't know any single males my age who I'm remotely interested in. I don't live in a city where I'm likely to meet them. I'm concerned I'd meet some domineering tyrant that will treat me like property. My criteria are rather high and I'm pretty certain no one will ever live up to them. And there is this small part of my brain that says, I don't deserve to ever have anyone. So.

Bit much? I can't apologize. This blog is not your usual blog. I have always pledged to myself to speak the truth about what I think or feel because that is what it is about. I'm not concerned about whether people like it or agree with it. It is the story of my Life on the Ledge.

I have been missing Multiply, my old blog site. I read Jilly's blogs this past week and realized I missed reading about her family and life in the village and Simon's latest project. I miss reading some other's as well. Chris still post now and then about her family but it seems many of them don't post stuff much anymore. I read those of the new friends I've found here and on G+ and I enjoy them. I think it was the fact that we made more of an effort to stay in contact then. But two failed social sites is a bit much so I understand people not wanting to rebuild that kind of community again. Facebook just doesn't do much for me. I'm there and I have several friends from Multiply and from NaNo there I stay in contact with. It simply is not the same. But then, neither am I.

Tomorrow I have a few things I want to attempt to do. Laundry is top of the list. Work on the boxes, which shouldn't take but an hour or so. Get stuff to fix the den/kitchen pass through window so it is functional on the den side now that the cabinet covers 2/3rds of it. I have sewing I am itching to do. I would love a nice long weekend with no one around but me. I'm glad I'm able to help David but I do miss having times of solitude. He's planning on taking Sarah to something in the morning so I'll have a couple of hours I hope.

For now I'll say good night. I'm tired and achy and I've forgot my meds again. Not sure what kind of night it will be for me as a result of that.

A Normal Weekend, Almost

My sons and I put up the kitchen cabinets I've had in storage for at least 10 years. Jerry and I bought the cabinets from a guy who was putting new ones in a house he was going to sell. He had time in a trailer beside the road with a sign that said $300. A whole kitchen worth! The plan was to put them up in our really hideous kitchen where we have two overhead cabinets, one sink and another base about 25 inches wide. It never happened. Even with cheap cabinets the amount of work in addition was just too expensive back then. So we stored them and waited, and waited, and waited. He died.

Anyway about three weeks ago I realized I needed to make a decision. The shed is getting in bad shape. It is rusting. I have to repair or replace it. I can't afford to replace it and I am too tired to think about repairing it. I decided I needed to consider putting the cabinets up and just getting rid of the shed. So, last week I had planned to do that but it rained. This weekend was the one where I simply sucked up my pain and did it.

We got started around noon and by three p.m. I had  a truck load of junk to go to the dump. Both boys helped and we sorted the cabinets and I measured the wall, measured the cabinets. I sent Mike for a stud finder and David for square bits and screws. David put up a support board and we slapped them on the wall. By 5 p.m. the cabinets were up and cleaned up. We had supper at Sonic at around 7 p.m. No, installing is not hard. I'm sure we didn't do it exactly the pros do it but unless you watched us, you won't know i.

To tell you the truth, they look pretty good to have been sitting around the shed for 10 years. Yes, they need refinishing but honestly that is something relatively easy. The original finish is still in fairly good condition. What you see in the photos is after a good rub with Old English furniture polish. And they look just that good up close.

As I stood and looked at the finished job, I thought about how happy I was just to see them up and how pleased Jerry would be to see that. Ultimately, any happiness you experience will hurt. Each time I walk into the kitchen I look at them I feel gladness followed by this little twist of disappointment. He should have been here.

I have three base units to put in and a couple of the drawers need repair, the "floor" of the sink base will have to be replaced the guy who removed it just cut it out to remove the base. But I can't do anything with them until I get the floors replaced. I thought I had photos of the kitchen somewhere on the blog. I suspect it as on Multiply. I have the archive but it is too much to go through, particularly tonight.

The floor is horrible. I painted it about 4 years ago just to make it bearable for me to look at. Three levels of flooring must be removed and a new underlay put down. I can do this with help but it means being without ALL appliances for about a week. Once I get new floors down, I have to put cabinets in and get counter tops on. Never mind the wiring and plumbing. So, we'll see.

Last night and today I have paid for my efforts with horrible lower back pain, shooting pains down my legs, leg cramps in both calves and both feet. On top of that I rode painfilled nightmares all night long. I've been having the cramps in my legs and feet for a couple of weeks and walking is extremely hard. But it has managed to attain a new level of intensity. I got an ice pack around midnight and that got me to sleep only to have bad dreams.

I went to church this morning but after the first hour was not doing so well sitting. My back, hip and leg were not happy with me. I stayed home tonight and I have Sarah with me.

For me the weekend felt about like it should feel. This is the kind of things I like to do. The shed is so uncluttered that even I was suprised. Things were accomplished and that makes me feel more human, more normal. There are few days like that for me. If I were not in so much pain... life might be o.k. This is the penalty for a moment's happiness.

Third Time....

I wish I could remember what I wrote in my failed attempts but I can't. For three days I've tried to post something only to have Blogger eat it as soon as I hit publish. I'm very annoyed because in all the years I've been on here, I've had that happen maybe three times.... total. And now it has happened three times in as many days. Words I can't ever retrieve.

I've had a relatively calm week but it might be attributed to my vacation. I really enjoyed my trip to Florida but decided that my next trip is going to have a couple of beach days in it. I don't know how but it will. I am really in need of more sand and sun.

The photo above is that of a "nursing" pillow my sister, Roselynn gave me while I was in Florida. It is designed for new mothers to put in their lap and use as support to cradle the baby while they feed it. What an invention! I had the idea 35 years ago but used plain old bed pillows.

 Anyway, I'm glad she gave it to me. It has been a Godsend. I have a problem with my neck that causes terrible pain in my shoulder, neck, back, and can lead to a dreadful migraine that can last for days. I have a very hard time sleeping because I wake up in terrible pain if my head gets in certain positions. If the pillow is too thick, I am in agony. If it is too hard, I am in agony. I have trouble shifting from my back to my side because I have to wake up and adjust pillows and hope I can find a comfortable position that will keep my neck aligned and not allow it to shift into an awkward position. And then fall back to sleep only to wake up feeling as if I have a broken neck.

I forgot my own pillows when I went down South. She had this and said try it. So I did. And you know what? It worked. This pillow is soft. I can put it around my neck, lie down and my head is stable. It doesn't roll into a cramped position when I'm asleep. If I turn over, the curved arms are in the perfect position and the pillow the right thickness to keep my spine aligned. No, this isn't what the pillow was designed for but it is about as perfect as I could hope. I've had better sleep for a couple of weeks now. I still have pain when I get up but it is a lot better.

I'm feeling a bit distressed about some things but I can't do anything about it so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm restless and I can't pinpoint why. I don't like this feeling. It is too much like a premonition and I hate when that happens. Really hate it. It is a bit like watching a car accident. You see it coming, know it will happen and you can't do a thing to stop it or change it. Very annoying. 

I'm still working on Sarah's sweater. It is on again, off again. When I get tired of one thing I do something else. You know, if you think about it, our lives are rather dull in general. Unless we're doing something radical, we're all pretty ordinary. I mean, what are you doing? Sitting reading this blog. I'm writing it. When you're done, you'll move to Facebook or G+ or play a game or watch something on television. You might go out and do something outside or cook, clean, crochet, sew or knit. But ultimately, we all generally do the same things, day in and day out. 

I'm going now. My blogs of late are rather boring. At least they're not filled with rants and moans and groans! About time.

Random Observations and Minutia Of No Importance

Why is it that the loveliest days I get are spent tied to my desk? I am sitting at my desk looking outside at this stunning sunny day. Yes, there are lots of clouds. I hear some storms are brewing out west but still, it is just beautiful .... out there.

And here I sit. Watching it.

I'm feeling tired today because I did not go to bed like a big girl. I've been reading a lot and that is pretty much it since I got back from Florida. Read some really good books on my Kindle. Look for Scraps of Paper and Ring of Lies - both fun mystery reads. Scraps of Paper was really my favorite in a long time.

I've done a little bit of crochet but I'm making a sweater for Sarah and it is just deadly boring at this point. That's is why many projects take me so long. When I'm in the long stretches I just get bored. I have one side done. I am hoping to start on the other side this weekend. She won't be able to wear it until Fall but that's fine. I'm making it a bit long in the sleeve and body because she is one of those children with a coltish build. She grows up, not out.

We went to the Memorial Day Service at the cemetery. It was a beautiful day with a breeze and I found a nice spot under a shade tree. I usually sit on the plaza in a folding chair but this year, I took a folding chair and found this nice spot.  These are very nice events and I like them. Jerry would have liked them, too. It is too bad we didn't go to them before he died. This cemetery is more like a park. I could see carrying a picnic basket and blanket and having lunch here. Lots of trees and paved roads throughout. You could bike here if you wanted.

 I've not even been watching as much t.v. or doing computer stuff. I was busy at the weekend and when I got back to work on Tuesday, well, it has been hectic but I can tell I needed that vacation.

My flowers are not coming up in my pots so I can't set them out. No idea why. I'm going to do a couple more things this weekend if the rain misses us. If that doesn't work, no flowers this year.

I now need another vacation............)8{

For once I have no complaints. Well, I have them but I'm not sharing. They're very trivial.

Miscellaney

I started this blog on Friday, as you will see. Never got finished.

I don't believe it is Friday. Really. I'm on vacation, the sky is a beautiful blue, the sun is shinning and I'm sitting inside looking outside. It is cold. Well, it is to me. Right now it is 69 but my back patio is shady this time of day so it is probably a couple of degrees cooler. That's too cool for my blood and my bones. I had dreams of sitting in the warm sun and trying to get my muscles to relax to the point I don't feel as if I'm in a vise.

I've spent the last two days recovering from my trip. My hands were really sore for about two days after the canoe trip. My feet are really not doing well at all. I can barely walk on them in the mornings now. After walking around for about half an hour they are only slightly less painful. It is horrible, frankly. I have no choice but to get up and walk, regardless of how bad it hurts. And if I sit down for long, it is just as bad when I get up again.

I've discovered that when you are in pain, it is very hard to be nice to stupid people, obnoxious people, lazy people, and healthy whiners. There is something about having to do things even though you are in pain that just ticks you off about those three types. I'm not sure what it is but there ya go.

I had some intentions of writing this week. Laughable, really, when you think about it. My phone won't stop ringing. Every person in the world needs some piece of me. For some reason, everyone thinks that MY vacation means I'm available to do things for THEM.

As a result of my own personal misery, that is the fault of no one but myself, my blog has become this constant rant of ills and woes. I'm seriously considering just tossing the whole thing out the window. I really hate it.

Of course, one could say that this is really Life on the Ledge. Every day is like looking into the abyss! I can step off or keep crawling along the ledge until I get to the end of the path. When did that become the focus?

Oh. Duh.

Today is Sunday. On Saturday, I helped Phyllis with her moving, not much as the boys did the heavy stuff on Friday night. I simply carried a load in my car. Spent the afternoon on the patio with Sarah and Becca before taking Becca home. We were supposed to plant flowers on Saturday but I'm still beat. And my plants are not coming out very well. Only the Princess feathers have sprouted. A couple of marigolds but no moon flowers. I guess the seeds weren't any good after all. I'm going to try a few more and see what happens.

However, at the moment I have the worst allergy I can remember. I'm sneezing violently, an endlessly running nose, and itchy eyes. Also coughing here and there, probably from post nasal drip. I think the mild headache I have is also sinus related. So. No I can't take anything for it, at least nothing that works. However, I'm probably going to break the rule soon because the symptoms are just horrible.

I had on week where I felt fairly good. Now I'm sick again. I have Monday off and was going to do yard things but at this rate, it isn't safe to come out of the house for me.

I'm uploading short videos of our trip but they are nothing of importance. Very uninteresting for the most part.

I'm leaving this now. I can't figure out how to fix it. My brain is a sodden mess and it keeps dripping out my nose. By the time this is done, I'll have no brain at all.

Vacation Update

My youngest sister, Roselynn & Cindy

It is sunny and hot in the Florida Panhandle, like the handle of a cast iron skillet. Sunny and 91 degrees. Wow. I think it feels pretty good but then that's just me. You don't want to be sitting in it all day.

It has been really great to visit with my family and our trip turned out pretty good. There were 12 of us and I think we all had a good time. I had planned to go to the beach today but I am so worn out from the canoe trip yesterday that I'm content to just sit around the house. My hands are so sore from paddling.

I went shopping this morning looking for some clothes but found nothing to wear but one skirt. I picked out four outfits but when I tried them on they were so poorly made that they just looked hideous. Darts too low, hips too wide, hems uneven. Really ugly. All made overseas. I did get Sarah an outfit and I got Mike a couple of pairs of shorts and a pair of dress slacks. I'm going to have to start sewing again.

From R-L back row: Phyllis, Roselynn, Cindy, Sarah
R-L front: Callie, Aunt Phillis

Tomorrow we head back home and it is the 12 hours drive that I really dread. I've not really relaxed since we got here. The pace has been hectic. Sunday we went to church with my family and that afternoon we had a baby shower for my nephew's wife. They're expecting a girl in August. After that we came back home and spent the evening visiting. We were up at 7 am for the canoe trip and didn't get  back home until around 7 p.m. Everyone crashed once supper was eaten and baths finished.

So, after tomorrow, I can actually relax for a few days.

I wish I had time to stop off and visit in Andalusia, with my in-laws but we don't have the money to stay in a hotel and with a 12 hr drive ahead of us with no breaks, we can't afford to add any time to that trip. Perhaps next time there will be an opportunity.

Of course, De Funiak Springs, is only an a couple of hours away from all my relatives so everyone is always welcome to drive over and see us if thye really wanted to do so. Once we're out of the car, it is  pretty hard to get us back in to drive two more hours.

I'm going to take a nap, I think.

Tidings of One Sort or Another

Glad tidings! One more day before vacation. I'm so looking forward to being out of the office for ten days. We leave on Saturday and will probably be back Wednesday or Thursday. Depends on how I feel. I love going but I also love being home. And I have a lot to do.

Good tidings. I went home last night and sat on the patio until dusk and came in and watched Grimm, got my meds sorted out for the week, crocheted a bit and then got to bed later than I intended. I'm paying for it this morning. I'm a bit tired. Let me say, however, that I feel 100% better. I am hoping that the virus has gone into remission and I can actually start moving again.

Past tidings. I never want to be that sick again. Really. This has been the worst three months I've lived in a very long time. I know exactly when I got sick. Remember the rash on Presidents Day weekend in February when I was in Atlanta? I had to got to the hospital the following Monday because it was spreading. I'd been having problems with mouth sores for months. A rash on the body and mouth sores are both symptoms of Epstein Barr, aside from the generally know symptoms of sore throat and fever.

Whatever tidings. I came home tonight and cleaned the den. It was dusty and junked up. I've got it more or less sorted. I have done nothing else but look on G+ and look at crochet patterns. I've found some really pretty things. I have too much to do and not enough time.

I'm trying to get the next local writer's meeting set up but our scheduled day is Graduation day. So, must rethink it. Still trying to get it set up for Doug to come in. Stupid bug kept me down too long. I'm two months behind everywhere.

Had a lovely massage last night. Don't know if it helped a lot but I did feel so wonderful afterward. And some of the sore spots are a bit better. The neck is only slightly better than it was over the last weekend.

Massage is expensive but surely I can do that once a month? I'd love to do it weekly.

So going to get things in order while I'm off. I have tons that I want to do around her. I have a flower bed to get done and I need to clear out the closets in this house. Why can't I get rid of stuff? Why is it so hard? I hate it.

I'm done for now. My blogs are such a bore! I hate that too. I'm going to work on Mist. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Amazing Recovery or Fluke?

Ok, maybe not amazing. I have no idea what has happened. I have felt so good today that I actually went out and put my flower seeds in the flat so they will spout. I may not get to plant them for two weeks but I'm good with that. If I could feel this good every day, life might be bearable.

I came home and prepared supper for me and Dave. Mike came in and so he ate, too. Dave had Sarah this evening so Sarah and I spent the evening in the back yard putting the seed in and even planting marigolds around the post on the patio. She loves planting things. She pick up her first wiggle worm, earth worm to those of you not raised in the South. It was hysterical. She squealed and said, "He's so cute!" Have I mentioned here that I tell her that her nickname is Ellie Mae? For those who don't understand the reference, Google The Beverly Hillbillies.

It was a good evening. I took some photos with my new phone and even a video which, when I save them, automatically uploads them to a G+ album. That is so cool! I have access to all my Google features - email, calendar, G+, photo albums, contact list. Everything! So nice to have. But I hate these honking big phones. I bet before it is over they'll be as big as the first cell phones. I loved my LG flip phone. Did what I wanted and all I had to do was say "Call _____" and it repeated it verbally, then it dialed the number for me. I can say that to this phone and it ASK me in text if that is the number I want, I have to then tap the text and then it dials. So, if I have to use my hands anyway, what good is that feature? And the constant need to recharge! I have always gone a week without recharging my phones. What is that about? Wimpy batteries or power hungry apps that serve no purpose.

Anyway, felt very good today. I actually think my problem may be blood sugar related. I'm going to get a meter this week and start checking it when I have that horrible feeling again. If it isn't blood sugar, I don't know what else it could be.

I go for a massage tomorrow to a therapeutic massage place. Dave working on my back and neck last night really made a difference and I'm so looking forward to the one tomorrow.

I have to start packing for the trip soon. I haven't even begun because I've been so sick I wasn't sure I'd be able to go. I still don't know what will happen between now and Saturday. One day at a time.

Must go now as it is getting late and I am trying to get to bed earlier each evening. Lack of sleep is making things a lot worse. I slept really good last night and hope for the same tonight.

Just Tuesday?

I am still alive but yesterday I was so sick! I went back to my doctor again after lunch because of how I was feeling. It was just awful. However, she found nothing unusual. I told her it felt as if I had jello in my brain for about 2 hours.

So, more blood work. This time we're looking at possible diabetes. I'm insulin resistant. I've avoided the full blown disease up to now. I have no idea what happened yesterday but it felt like I was going to pass out as any minute. I had a bowl of grits for breakfast and toast. Delicious but very high carb content. For lunch I went home and had an egg sandwich. High fat and protein content even though there was the carbs in the bread. I had my sister come by and take my blood sugar count. It was 84! That's actually good. So.... after lunch, while I was at the doctor, I was a bit better. I wondered if my blood sugar had dropped too low.

She instructed me to get a massage because I have multiple trigger points, some I didn't even know until she pressed them. So, I get one tomorrow after work. David, bless him, gave my back a very good rub down last night. He knows exactly how much pressure and where to take out the kinks. I still had terrible neck ache and headache yesterday. The doctor felt all the tight muscles in my back were contributing to it. I took too acetaminophen and after he worked on my back, neck and shoulders, it did feel much better. And today, not so sore. No real headache either.

I have no idea what I'm going to eat. She's taken me off any sweetener..... even artificial. Just water or natural unsweetened drinks such as tea or coffee. NO breads. NO milk. NO rice. NO potatoes. NO processed sandwich stuff. I'm to try and get rid of as many chemicals as possible. I'll probably have to go to the grocery every day to buy something fresh to eat.

I did another chapter of Hidden in the Mist. If you have a link you can go see. That monster is just a mess. I wish I could get enough energy to sit and just write it all out and be done. I went to bed around 10 last night but I dozed on the sofa for hours. Missed half of my show I was watching and had to rewind it. Anyway, I think I actually like this little bit I wrote... the writing not so much as just how it directs the story. I've been trying to teach Sam that the Outland situation is unjust and the reasons for that but in this scene Reece lets her make the point very nicely. Now to find out if she recognizes it.

Ok, post done. I'm still feeling wooly headed today. I would like to get past that. It seems impossible. Prayers would be appreciated.

Dance of the Hausfrau

Today is a wet, gloomy, chilly day. The last three days have been wet but it usually warms up by noon.  I don't expect the whole weekend to be any better. I'm not going to get flowers out again before the 1st of June it appears. I wanted to do it today but I just don't see how I can. Next Saturday, the 18th will start my vacation. I'll be in Florida for four or five days and back by Wednesday. So maybe I'll have time then to do them then. I am going to get them into the flats to germinate. I can leave them on the patio while I'm gone.

I thought Saturday would never get here. It felt like the longest week. However, I am glad to report that I am so much better than I was week ago and if I remember how I felt the first week of April, I'm not the same person. Lord have mercy, I never want that virus again. 

When I woke up on Thursday, it was the first day I did not feel like I'd been hit by a truck in two months.  When I came home on that evening I thought, I'll sit down and read and relax. I fixed supper for Dave and I and showered. When I finally sat down I read in the den for about a minute and passed out. It was around 6:30. That old couch I kept is the best sleep machine ever.

I woke up at 9:30 to a ringing phone. I sat up on the couch saying "Hello? Hello?" I thought Jerry was in the next room for some reason. Once I got my brain working I got up and got ready for bed. I was in bed by 10:30 and I think I went to sleep within a few minutes. I worked on Friday, still tired. When I got home I lay down again and napped for about 20 minutes but I sat up way too late last night so it didn't really matter I guess. I am hoping this is the end of it. 

I have not had a lot of joint pain with the virus. I have had headaches and terrible neck pain. I quit taking the acyclovir, I think on Wednesday. I was really sick on Monday and had a headache all weekend. Something said, "Stop taking the antiviral." I thought about it and finally decided the voice in my head probably knew more than I did. So I stopped. Headache went away and neck pain got better. And by Thursday, I almost felt what passes for normal for me. 

My house is so dirty. I've been sick for two months and things are really in a bad way. It will take me weeks to clean it and I suspect the last few days of my vacation will be spent here, trying to clean it up before I go back to work. 

Now, I'm going to have to get dressed and wade into the mess. I really need a cleaning lady. Haven't found anyone yet. First I need to get ride of a lot of junk. But I won't get it done sitting here. I'll see how long I can hold out before I have to stop.

A Quick Update

Still Alive In Indiana

I just realized that it has been a little bit since I posted anything here. I've been busy. Well, no... I've been sick and busy when I've been able to be busy. I can't seem to shake this virus, although, I am not nearly as bad as I was in March and April. Compared to April 3rd, I'm probably 90% better.

It occurs to me that I've probably been dealing with it since February. I think that it was just after President's Day, when I was dealing with that rash on my ankles, that shortly after I began to experience the problems with the extreme exhaustion around the first of March. I checked my blog and it seems to be the first of March exactly. Now, this is nearly the middle of May. I was sickest from the middle of March until the middle of April. I went to the doctor on April 4th and got medicine, whereupon I began to improve. It it not happening fast enough for me.

I made a mistake of saying, "if you have never had mono, you have no clue", to a woman I work with who knows everything. Of course she knew all about it because her son had it. I said, "I got news for you. Unless you have had it, you don't even come close to understanding." She proceeded to argue with me! Finally, since she's basically a dishonest person, even to herself, who fails to recognize her ignorance on a plethora of subjects, she walked off in a huff. I could hear her telling the story to another coworker around the corner in that whiny voice she uses most of the time, since most of the time she's in a snit about someone making her feel stupid. Since I was very sick at the time, I didn't really care. And I find, as I have felt slightly better, that I still don't care.

You can tell I'm not being so nice these days. I've come to realize that most people take advantage of me in one way or another. I must look like schmuck or there is the general idea that because I'm usually compassionate, kind and will give you the shirt off my back that this means I can be told what to do, how to do it and when to do it by every person who knows me even a little bit. Being as sick as I have been has sort of shone a light on some things. You find yourself alone more when you need help than you do when someone else needs help. If you want money, just give me a sob story. If you want a ride, just give me a sob story. If you want me to sew, cook, or do some other task for you, just give me a sob story. Why has it taken me most of my life to recognize this? And why is it the hardest habit to break? Why not just tell people to take a hike? I'm apparently hardwired to be nice in virtually every situation. And when I do get vocal... God forbid that the other parties have to deal with that. There has to be a book somewhere titled, When Nice People Get Ugly. Suddenly, I don't care. It is almost funny. I'm learning to cut my losses.

I just finished that crazy shawl and I'm rather disappointed in it. It is lovely but really not practical. Very decorative. It would be lovely worn with something yellow. I think, if I make another, and it is so pretty that I probably will, I will make an adjustment to the pattern. I sat down and figured it out. I did run short of yarn and could not finish the last row and no one will actually know unless I tell them. I am going to give this one as a gift. I had planned to do that but didn't really know who at the time. Well, I can't keep everything I make! It would be disaster. And I know someone who will love it. I'm finding crocheting for others is a lot more fun that doing it for me. So, buy me yarn and you might get a gift.

I'm planning my next project. I think it will be a ripple throw in a rainbow of colors. I'm also still working on the squares for Sarah's spread. I don't know when I'll have it finished as I get bored with it and move to something else. I am going to make her some new sweaters over the summer so she will be able to wear them in the winter.

In other news, I've written nothing but a blog here and there. I did start a story intro that simply dried up once I wrote it down. No idea. It just goes in the pile for any possible future use. My crystal ball shows no future in writing so it is doubtful anything will come of it. I've pulled out of virtually all writing pursuits. I find it is another case of "I just don't care". {shrug} The only thing I have left is the local group that is tied to NaNo. I am, after all, the local ML. I'll know more how that it going to play out closer to November. I like meeting with them so I'll continue to do so once I'm over this cursed bug.

My vacation starts next Saturday. I truly need it. I'm leaving for Florida on Saturday I think. I'll be back in about four or five days. I plan on finding a beach somewhere. I'm taking a bottle of tanning lotion, a basket of food, and towels. And my Kindle. That's the plan. I think we do the canoe trip on Monday. I hope for lovely weather. I love that canoe trip. Generally, the creek, is not wrapped up with tourist this time of year and I hope that holds true for this trip.

I must go now. I need to find another crochet project to keep me occupied for a few weeks. I find it is the one thing that keeps my mind centered and I don't have to think to terribly much. You just read the directions for your row, do it, and read the next row of directions, do that, until you're done. I was so sick a few night that I ended up ripping out 5 rows and then had to go back and rip out two a few nights later. That just annoys me to death. Still, I had to do it. It really is a pretty shawl so worth the trouble.

Enough for now. This is a totally useless post. Filled with very little of worth. I figured I should just come out and let those who bother know that I'm still here. Maybe, just maybe I can regroup once I get past this mess and start really posting something worthwhile.

Or not.

More Wasted Days

I had about two good days after I saw my doctor and it has been mostly downhill since. I'm so tired and today I've had a headache all day. I am taking my second Imitrex now and hope that will get rid of it. I came home as tired as if I'd worked for two days with no break. The only bright spot is I may have defeated the sinus infection.

I don't know when it became such a chore just to put one foot in front of the other. I can't remember. I don't want to do anything. Even sleep is not good. I wake up as tired as I was when I went to bed. I'm tired of it. I just want to sit down and never have to get up again.

I go back to the doctor the last week of the month. I'm supposed to go on vacation beginning the 18th. I don't know if I will be able to go anywhere. I can't see sitting in the car for 12 hours feeling like this. It just isn't worth it.

Days pass and I don't know what I've done. I don't accomplish anything. I've been working on a shawl for two weeks. Last night I had to pull out five rows of work. I only had about 4 rows left but I did something wrong and didn't realize it until I reached a place that simply did work right. I had to back track visually and figure out what went wrong, rip it out and now I'm working on putting it back right. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal but it is now. I don't have time to waste repeating work. What brief moments I have of clarity and strength I have to use for what must be done. I can't waste time on hobbies.

I looked at the yard and found a whole section that wasn't cut. So, now people want to cut the yard but only what they don't have to get off the mower to cut. I'll have to be the one pushing the old mower and using the weed trimmer for the places the rider doesn't reach, I suppose? This is ridiculous. Where did the real men of the world go and how did I end up with a bunch wimps? I'm embarrassed to say these people are related to me. I refuse to call them men. I've had nothing but trouble over the yard for years. They are the laziest human beings I've ever seen.

Enough whine. Another waste of time.