The Nasty Word

I love words, nearly all of them. They're so useful and sometimes they just convey exactly the right thing. In Psalm 19:14 it says, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." I find that so confirming that words are tangible things that have tremendous power. So much power, in fact, that David believed they can actually displease God. Wow.

I read something today and the word nasty came to mind and kind of stopped me in my tracks. It was just so fitting in that instance. "That's just nasty." I looked it up and was surprised by the enormous range of the word. It covers just about everything you can imagine. Yes, yes, yes, I know adjectives are nasty creatures and writers are supposed to avoid them like the plague. But this word is just awesome.

nas·ty adjective \ˈnas-tē\
: very unpleasant to see, smell, taste, etc.
: indecent and offensive
: unpleasant and unkind
nas·ti·ernas·ti·est

Full Definition of NASTY

1    a:  disgustingly filthy, b :  physically repugnant
2      :  indecent, obscene
3      :  mean, tawdry
4    a:  extremely hazardous or harmful
     b:  causing severe pain or suffering
     c:  sharply unpleasant :  disagreeable
5   a:  difficult to understand or deal with
     b:  psychologically unsettling :  trying
6     :  lacking in courtesy or sportsmanship
     (From Merrium-Webster - Online)

Think about it. It has a zillion uses! 

Dirty underwear: nasty. Dirty socks that have lain in a locker for two weeks: nasty. The neighbor's cat brought you a rodent: nasty. The customers who shop with the working girl on Maple and Vine: nasty. The leak at Chernobyl: nasty. The burn I got taking a heated pad out of the microwave: nasty. The leftover lasagna you forgot to put away last night: nasty. The day old oatmeal you left in the bowl when you rushed off to work: nasty. The fresh oatmeal in your bowl: nasty. The way the ground looks from the roof: nasty. The rude woman in the billing office when I pointed out her mistake: nasty.

So, nasty is a very cool word that covers a plethora of emotions and opinions. I think it rolls off the tongue rather satisfactorily, too. It takes your whole face to say it. I mean, you crinkle your nose, your brows draw together, and you raise your upper lip just slightly and utter the perfect word. "That's nasty."

A Letter to the Lost One

Hi,

Not many people know this about me. I don't talk about it. I have only mentioned it in passing a few times in my whole life, when the subject came up. 

In 1978 Jerry and I were living in Germany. We had been married five years. We'd never managed to get pregnant during that time and since we suddenly had insurance, we went to have tests run. We were thinking about adopting but wanted to be sure first. One of my test was a God-awful biopsy. My doctor was a nice Indian man named Abrol. I liked him. Just as he was about to preform the test. He said, "This will be like a bee sting." 

That was a lie. It hurt so bad that I couldn't even scream. I just gasped. I remember that so clearly.

Shortly after the test was run, within weeks, I actually became pregnant. When I went back to my doctor and he said, "I hope your husband doesn't blame me for this." I cracked up, he blushed when he realize how it sounded, and the nurse gasped and said, "DR. ABROL!" Then we all laughed. I was so happy.

I had the usual sick feeling, no vomiting. I also got clumsy, actually fell a couple of times, and I had vision issues when I tried to read. The text would go blurry. I went for an exam and it didn't reveal anything wrong. Ten weeks later, they put me in the hospital because they thought I was going to miscarry.

I was so scared. Everyday they came to do a test to see if you were still alive. And every day I was frightened they'd come in and say, "No." Finally, about a week after my admission, they came in and said you were dead. 

I was devastated. Five years I'd waited and then, you were snatched away. 

I remember the Catholic chaplain coming into the ward and stopping by my bed. I was staring out the window, with silent tears running down my face. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders and talked to me. I do not remember what he said to me. I only remember how grateful I was for his presence.

They told me that they had to preform a D & C because you did not leave willingly. Afterward, I remember waking up and seeing your dad and asking, "Is it over?" He caught my hand and said, "Yes." I wept. I see it clear as a picture. Now that he's gone, I see a lot of things clear as day. 

For a long time I wondered if you were really dead at that point. Had they made a mistake?Did I actually have an abortion. And I cringe at the thought. Crazy, huh?

I always thought you were a girl. I don't know why. It just felt right. It still does. I don't know if you had blue eyes or green ones, if you would be left handed like me or right handed like him. For a long time I wondered such things. From time to time, I still do. Would you be a tomboy, like me? Or would you be a fine princess?

After I went home I cried for days and I had nightmares about losing you. In my dreams I'd be looking everywhere for you. For weeks. They gave me pills to help. I ended up flushing them down the toilet one day when I found myself considering taking the whole bottle. I decided if I could't get through it without pills then it wouldn't be worth the effort.

Never, in all these years have I stopped thinking about you. Oh, not like I did at first. But you come to my mind now and then and I wonder all over again, what kind of person you would have become. A doctor? A teacher? A famous author? Who would you have married? How many children would you have had? So many questions I would love to have answers to but you never had the chance to even form them.

Recently it occurred to me that at last he got to meet you. He knows the color of your hair, your eyes, and if you have dimples. I had no doubt that that would have been a joyous reunion. And I was jealous. Jealous that I never had the chance to hold you and rock you and sing to you. Jealous that I didn't get to see his face when you met for the first time. 

I hope they have photos in heaven and someone remembered to take that one.

Wendesday Weather - 02/26/14

I firmly believe God  has a great sense of humor. This morning when I got up I kind of thought the big guy was having one on me. I woke up to snow... again. Admittedly, it was just a dusting of snow but it was snow just the same. We're pretty sick of it around here. The only plus was that the sun was shining.

I'm astounded at how a bit of sunlight seems to make the day a little less harsh, a little less painful. I crawled out of bed reluctantly but after looking out the window, I felt slightly less depressed. Only slightly.

Frankly, I'd have been a lot happier if it had been warm. The high reached 34, I think, sometime in the middle of the day so warm wasn't an option. I hate cold weather and this winter had been like a frozen hell. At least, for me.

I've never had as much pain in my life as I have from November through February. I'm talking pain that effects your thinking and mobility to a point you think you're about to die. Tonight, I have pain in my lower back, both knees, my thighs, calves, and my right ankle. No, just the right one. My neck hurts but the left side of my neck I think is affecting my balance. I get dizzy spells. No, I'n not having much fun. The winter wonderland isn't.

So, I'm ready for sunshine and hot days. I pray that God smiles on me and my winter aches are blown away by March winds.

Tea Leaves

Another weekend has started and I sincerely hope it is better than my last one. My poor Sarah was here last weekend and was vomiting and running a fever from Sunday afternoon until Monday morning. Some sort of stomach bug I suspect and I am eternally thankful to God that I seemed to have bypassed it. I suspect the medicine I take on Saturday for RA probably killed everything in my stomach. A positive for a med that is working no better than the other one was before this last flare, which I'm still experiencing.

On Thursday I woke up with a storm migraine. The pressure must have been very low because I woke up with a slight headache and horrible pain in my neck. I put an ice pack around my neck and headed for work. I've never done that before and I was very stressed about the towel it was wrapped in, a purple and white stripe that did not match my outfit. I was sure other drivers were staring at me. I kept the thing on till it melted, around 9 a.m. and wished for the other one at home in the freezer.

Sometime around mid-morning I took an Imitrix and waited for it to work. By then, I was not doing well. I felt horrible and I knew when the pill kicked in it would get worse before it got better. And it did. I left work at 1 p.m. and came home, sat down in the recliner and wrapped up in a blanket and covered my eyes. Even the gray light filtering in between the curtains, through the sheers from the windows was not nice.

The storm worsened but it was mostly wind until later that evening when I think it rained. Not sure because I didn't go out. Once I heard things blowing around on the porch like marbles in a can. It was the lawn chairs. They're plastic but it still takes a bit of wind to blow one over. These were blowing all over the porch. I cracked the storm door thinking I'd check on the. When the wind threatened to toss me around, I quickly shut it and went back inside. The chairs could fend for themselves.

The headache hung on for a bit, if slightly less horrible, but as a result I had a pretty miserable night. I simply could not get comfortable and slept badly. I had bought some new pillows on Tuesday thinking that maybe that would help my neck. They felt really comfortable but with this neck I never know. 

Anyway, Thursday night, for some reason the neck was not happy with my choices. When I woke up I was in pain and had a new and different headache. This wasn't a migraine but caused by the problem in my neck. 

Let me stop here and explain. I don't have "simple" headaches, ever. The migraines are nearly blinding at times and nauseating. My version of an "average" headache is often accompanied by dizziness and pressure. I also have visual issues with both the serious migraine and my average headache. My eye doctor said the visual problem is also a migraine but they don't generally hurt. They don't, they just terrify you. You may see flashing lights, gray blobs, or you may be very dizzy. Friday morning I had pain over my right eye and my neck was killing me. That's a "simple" headache.

But I forgot about the migraine hangover. 

I was exhausted and I felt terrible but I got dressed for work and tried to tell myself I was ok and could work. Just before I stared out of the house I remembered I had not brushed my teeth. In the bathroom I looked in the mirror and realized my teeth weren't the only thing I forgot. My hair, while sexily mussed, was not brushed but remained in the french braid I'd put in it the night before. I'd slept badly, tossing and turning. I looked at myself and I think that's when I started to cry. 

I called in sick and dragged myself to the living room. Once again I took a blanket, stretched out in the recliner with an ice pack, took two 8 hour pain killers. After that, I don't remember much until noon. 

I stayed in my chair all day except to eat. I got up and walked around now and then, went to the bathroom, or got something to drink. But I basically stayed there. I felt better. The hangover and headache were gone and I wasn't as exhausted as I had been when I got up. 

Which brings us to today. I am about to get ready for lunch. Mike and I are going to eat Mexican. Then, I have a writer's meeting at 2 p.m. Not sure who'll be there but I'm taking my laptop and I'm going to write some. 

I'm beginning to feel as if I'm looking at tea leaves in the bottom of a cup. There has to be something here that means something, that is trying to send me a message. I sat and pondered that off and on yesterday. Alas, my gifts do not run to the psychic, despite my creating an adept psychic spy. I don't read tea leaves, or runes, or bones. I rely on my gut, intuition, instinct, whatever you want to call it. Generally, this has always worked. Lately, not so much. 

For now, I'll just try and decipher the menu at the Mexican restaurant.

Wednesday Weather - 02/20/14

 Today the sun shone all day and it wasn't nearly as cold. I am so ready for spring. I was tempted to just wear my fleece shawl but went with my coat since it was still rather cold. When I went home for lunch around noon, the weather was bright sunny and had warmed considerably. So, when I returned to work I took the shawl and it was just right. By the time I got off at 4 p.m. I was tempted, very tempted to go to the cemetery and walk but decided it was still too chilly for me to handle. Instead I went and bought mouse traps.

Why mouse traps? This morning I was sitting enjoying my coffee and simply meditating before work. I had fixed a toaster pastry for breakfast and put the paper in the trash. As I sat there I heard something in the trash shifting. I was just feet from the kitchen door and could clearly hear it. I got up and eased around the door. A big, fat mouse was just climbing over the edge of the can. It disappeared just as I danced back into the living room with a squeal. I guess it was having breakfast, too. 

I'm near a nature preserve and field mice are prevalent when you have such places. I've lived here for over 22 years but never had a problem until a neighbor's garage was torn down over 10 years ago. Since then, I'm constantly battling the little furry demons. They thought my house was Noah's Ark. I tried all manner of poison and fancy traps. The most effective trap is the old one you remember from your childhood. Victory traps, built the same way they've always been made, with the little curled metal piece where you put the bait.

I had one mouse trap left and so I set it before I left for work. When I got home at lunch, I had a mouse. I disposed of it but realized I had to go buy another more traps. 

It was a busy day but I was so tired that it took a lot for me to keep going. By the time I got off all I wanted to do was sit in my chair, which I did.

Now, at 8 p.m. I'm seriously thinking about bed. I hope tomorrow will be another sunny day.

Wednesday Weather - 02/12/14

Oh my goodness! I woke up with sunshine in my face. It was such a wonderful experience that I just lay there for a minute. When I got up I sat on the bed and stared at everything. It all looked so ... different in sunlight. The best thing was that the whole day was filled with sunshine, even it it was terribly cold. I don't think it got over 29 degrees all day. Getting out to go to lunch was a positive experience, even if it was freezing. I'm a coastal girl and sunshine is like food for me.

My neck is better but is still hurting at certain angles. I have no solution for this. I sneezed once today and my neck had this horrible pain begin where my neck and the top of my shoulder meet and it shot up the side of my neck to my jawbone. I almost screamed but trying to sneeze at the same time made that impossible. It hurt so bad. It has hurt a bit more ever since. It really feels as if the ligaments are sore.

I've been playing hookie from writing. The neck simply made me a zombie and I'm now annoyed by it. I want it to stop so I can get something done. I need to clean house too and we won't even talk about the piles of laundry that are in the spare room. I just hope now one comes to spend the night. Of course, if they do... they could help me fold sheets and towels.

On top of the neck pain and slacking, I think I've caught a cold. I've been sneezing like mad all day and I've had a runny nose, more so than my allergy nose, for days now. I hate this as it takes me so long to get over stuff. I'm fortunate in some ways. Two co-workers were very sick with something when I was off for David's wedding. They missed a couple of days work. When I got back, they were on the mend, if still sick, and I stayed in my end of the building for two weeks to avoid them. This week, a third co-worker came down with a cold. She elected to come to work, warning everyone she was sick. No, I don't know why she came in. She said she had work to do. Anyway, she's been batting around for two days, standing in my space and handling equipment. I don't think I got this from her but I don't need two strains of cold on top of one another.

I'm now thinking about taking a short vacation. I have to get away. I really need the ocean and sand but I don't know what to do. Money is not tighter than ever with the cut in hours and so I have to conserve where I can. I so want to go to England. It feels like I'll never be able to do it. I know if I take a trip somewhere alone I won't really enjoy it. Carolyn suggested another writer's conference and I could go back to Austin this year. That was so expensive and I don't think I can afford it. Besides, there is one in October, Muse Online is free. You know, I considered going somewhere then and staying in a hotel and doing that conference online. Sounded crazy when I reconsidered it but for just a moment, it sounded totally fun. Why pay to stay when I could do it here for nothing. So, I may do it but I won't leave home. I will tell everyone to stay away and not call me.

I came home and have been vegetating on the sofa all afternoon. It is now 8 p.m. and I don't know how it got that late. So, I'll end here. The weather was lovely, despite the chill. Now, I want more and warmer. Can't wait to get outside again.

Tuesday Tirade

The sun finally managed to keep his head above water for a couple of days. Good boy! We'll see how long it lasts. I'm so ready for long days of sunshine. I'm ready to move to a warm climate and live a bit simpler. I don't think I can take many more winters like this one... like the past five.

It occurred to me sometime this week that Jerry has been dead five years. It feels like last week. I lived in a dark place for a long time. I still live there but I've managed to punch a few holes in the top to let in the light when there is light. Generally, it isn't dark, more of a foggy gray. But it still is not a happy place. Yes, I know they make pills to take you there but I don't do pills well.

I've been struggling with horrible intense pain and I won't detail it here as I believe I've whined about it in a couple of four places. For those who've deigned to pray for me, thank you. Is too a word! For those who rolled their eyes and thought, "not again." I believe what goes around, comes around. You'll relive it in living color.

Anyway, suffice it to say that agony doesn't touch what I've been feeling. I can't tell you I haven't considered death as an alternative. I don't actually want to die and hurting myself scares me. I mean, if something goes wrong and I end up with a serious injury rather than dead, I'm not better off than if I just deal with it. So, I do not act on these things but I have to be honest and say when you are dealing with this much pain, it crosses your mind. If you don't believe that, you've never been in pain.

I bought a recliner, at my sweet aunt's repeated suggestions. It is nice. I do like it. And it is comfy... if you have no back and neck problems. If you do, save your money. It nearly kills me to sit for very long in it. There is no real support. Usually within 30 minutes I have to get up and get on the sofa, which is much firmer and not nearly so comfortable. And I think what I could have done with that money. She meant well.

I am enjoying these shorter work days, despite the critical shortage of money. We also get one furlough day a month, no pay. We went from 40 hours per week to an average of 32 hours a week.  If they thought I'd cry about it... they were wrong. If they thought I'd quit... they were wrong. I'm thrilled to work less. Yes, it bites at the bank. The money I'm losing I was using to add extra to my house payment and other bills. But I'll take the time.

Had to stop before I was done and probably for the best. What a depressing post!

Hauntings

Sometimes I hear them. Seriously. They're not loud, almost echos, really. Since I live in an isolated area, I know it isn't out there, in the real world. No one really comes here so I know what it isn't.

When I get home I don't turn on anything. Not the television. Not the radio. Not the stereo. I leave the house as quiet as it was before I get there. So I can hear. In the winter, I don't even turn on the lights. They're louder in the dark. 

After I've put everything away and changed into my comfortable clothes, I sit down in my chair and close my eyes. And I wait. 

I never know what will come first. Sometimes, I'm certain it is his step down the hallway. Once in awhile it will be the opening of a door.. or the closing of one. A few times, I was sure I heard a cough. Once, long ago, as I sat alone in the dark I heard him come down the hallway and I looked up, called his name and stared at the doorway. I would not have been surprised to see him standing there. 

But he wasn't. 

I don't think.

Sometimes I hear giggles and running feet, but softly, as if from a great distance, across a vast and hazy plain. And I'm certain, at times, I hear someone jump off a bed. Someone is in the kitchen, sneaking the cookies. I am sure I hear the sound of the jar.

I hear music that isn't really there and if I focus, very hard, I can feel arms slip around my waist. There's a sensation of floating as I'm whisked across the floor to dance. I can smile at that for a minute before it drifts away to be replaced by a sad silence.

There are ghost children running across the backyard. Can you hear them squealing? From the kitchen window I see a small, fuzzy, hazy shape of a dog that runs yapping after them. 

There's running water, flushing toilets, and rustles. Rarely, I smell a certain cologne. The bottle is still in the medicine cabinet.

For a short time I almost think I can will them into solid forms and time will simply stop and they'll be there, forever and ever and everything outside these walls will become the ghosts. We'll laugh, and hug, and talk all night about everything and anything. The world, the one out there, will disappear. I won't care.

Never in my life have I seen a ghost and I never believed much in them. 

Not until now. 

Wednesday Weather - 02/05/2014

I haven't done a read video blog in a while and this seemed like a good time to do it. No fancy editing, just me.

Don't Worry, Everything's Awry

It's Wednesday. Generally accepted at the middle of the week, some folks call it hump day. People will say things like, "It's all down hill from here." I don't particularly agree with that theory. It depends on who I have to talk to between 8 a.m. Wednesday morning and 4 p.m. that afternoon.

I mean, it could be an uphill climb if someone comes in and wants to discuss how I am mistaken about what they are supposed to pay and that if my boss had any brains, he'd hire people who knew what they were doing. It might be a slippery slope if the that person who constantly threatens to call HUD if they don't get their way comes in. I mean, that doesn't scare me but it does other people in my office. I've seen people nearly wet themselves if you say, "HUD is on line one for you." Not sure what that's about.

Anyway, I just know it means there are two more work days before Friday. If I smile bright enough, clinch my fist,  bite my tongue, and tighten my glutus maximus while sucking in my gut, I might get through until 4 p.m. Friday. And if I don't I'll probably explode and take everyone with me.

Apparently, there is no escape.

I've been a bit under the weather. Not really sick. My pain is less but hovering around a 4. Most joints are hurting. I've had some breathing issues. Shortness of breath, mostly in the evening  or at night. Doctor said it might be bronchial spasms. I started taking a decongestant on my own for a couple of night and I think it is actually a bit better.

My neck has been a monster with a capital M. My doctor said she thinks the problem is wryneck or torticollis. I prefer the wryneck because I'm hoping it goes away. Torticollis can be debilitating. It is a neurological disorder. Just what I need, another disorder. Tends to strike women more than men. Doesn't everything? I've been using heat pads but the paperwork she gave me says it can take up to five years for some cases to heal. Causes vary from an injury to an infection. Well, I had a swollen gland in my neck about a week or so ago. Remember?

As a result, my writing this week is way down. I also had Sarah a few nights and that takes a lot out of me. so, here I am, with a kink in my neck and my knickers in a twist. Now I'm going to make myself go to bed. I've got to stop sitting up late like this. I need my rest.

This week will be the first week I have a reduced paycheck. Sixteen hours less on this check and it is the first of the month. That's two days of pay! May have to get the house payment ahead so I can pay it mid month rather than on the first. I usually pay most bills on the first.

Honestly, I'm not too bent about all this. That extra hour in the afternoon has been restful in many ways. A couple of days I actually took a nap when I got home and I still slept that night. I've been able to run a few errands, too. And a few evenings, I just saw and watched a couple of shows and crocheted. So, I think once I get used to it and get my finances organized around it, I'll be fine with it.

Must rush off now. I'm actually tired.

What Happened to the Happy New Year?

I am off today. They actually did the hours cut at last. We'll be off work every third Tuesday without pay. They've got the money so screwed up that they can't figure out how to fix it so, we are cut one hour a day and one Tuesday a month. Of course, you still have to do the same amount of work. I'm feeling very Egyptian. You know, bricks without straw? They would really like us all to quit so they don't have to pay unemployment. That way they could hire all new staff at lower wages and benefits. 

I've had a pretty horrible month actually. I don't know if I mentioned I've had a bad bout with my rheumatoid arthritis for several months. Maybe I did. I'm too lazy to go re-read. Anyway, I did. Pain and swelling everywhere and even the doctor was shocked. Demanded I go on the metheltrexate. I did. Yes, it was that bad. I've resisted that med for at least a year. I just started my third refill. Very little pain, no apparent swelling and still have most of my hair. It is coming out at an alarming rate but it has been for awhile. 

We went to my son's wedding in Arkansas on January 10 and came back on January 12. I think I already told this. My wedding anniversary was on January 11, the day of my son's wedding. Jerry and I would have been married 40 years that day... if he'd lived. He didn't. For David's wedding I was sick during the whole thing with pain in my neck. The meds had helped most of my pain but not that neck pain. 

Once home the neck pain worsened. I only realized a few days later that the lymph gland in the left side of my neck was swollen and agonizingly painful. When I looked in the mirror I could see that side of my neck was noticeably larger than the right side. I'd been having that pain for over a week, even had it go numb several times. I now think it was pressing on a nerve and caused that. I don't know why it is swelled but swollen glands are a sign of inflammation somewhere in the body. Nothing I could do. I called the doctor last Thursday and I'm to go in this Thursday to see her. Yesterday, it was so painful I finally put heat on it. Not sure if that was a good idea but I just needed some relief. It felt good while it lasted. Wish I'd done it sooner but it is very hard to define the pain around my neck these days. I can't tell what is spine pain and what is fibro. And both trigger massive migraines. All three respond to different treatments, each of which do not affect the other pain. So I end up in so much pain and confused as to how to treat it. But as usual, the gland is not swollen today. 

I want to go see the Hobbit movie. I don't have anyone to go see it with so if I get to see it I'll probably go alone. I am beginning to stay in more and more these days. I tried, really I did, to get out and do things on my own. I just don't want to. There really is no pleasure in it for me. This weekend, with my four days off I have sat on the sofa and watched t.v. shows on Netflix and Hulu. I did some cleaning on Saturday. And I did have a writer's meeting on Saturday and that is always nice. It is about the only time I actually see people I know and like. Today, I'm supposed to have lunch with my friend, Loriane but it snowed overnight so not sure how the roads are between here and the restaurant. 

I've been writing more on one of my novels. Probably the only good thing about isolation is that if you can stay focused, you can write a lot. I'm surprised more prisoners don't become authors. 

I'm going to get clothes on now. I've begun to wear those flannel pj's all the time at home. I was almost tempted to go to the store last night in them but decided to change. I just wanted a soda and my coat is long enough no one would have noticed but I have to keep some shred of dignity. So I put on a skirt and went to Sonic and then the convenience store up the street. As it turned out, there was virtually no one there but the clerk and they wouldn't have seen me anyway.

Now to see how cold it really is out there. Weather monitor says 21 degrees. I hate this place. I'm so sick of the cold, the rotten weather, the bad air, and the summer smother. They have two seasons that are bearable here, spring and fall. Everything else is rotten. 

Stay warm. 

Dixie's Monday Quiz About Me

1. It's International Skeptics day - what are you skeptical about?      Wow, what am I not?

1. I'm skeptical about any statement from a politician. 
2. I'm skeptical when people profess to care about me and then ask me for something.
3. I'm skeptical that the world will get better.

2. Wednesday is National Hat Day - what is your favorite hat?  Do you wear hats often? 

• I look awful in hats. I love them but most hats look terrible on me. All but those wide brimmed Southern Belle hats. For some reason they look good but only if my hair is down.

3. What one movie or two would you say should be on everyone's must see list? 

• I have a lot of movies I love. I'd have to say The Princess Bride is at the top of the list. The Lord of the Rings next.     

4. If they were going to make a reality show about your life what would it be called?

• The Next Big Disaster

5. What would you like to do for a vacation?

• I want to go to England and visit my friend, Jilly. I've made plans several times but was unable to get over there. 
• I love the beach too and any trip to the beach is a vacation.
• I've learned that just being home is a nice vacation. I like the quiet and being able to write, and work on hobbies is very relaxing. I guess I 'm getting old.

Now, you try it...

Just Before the End

Starfield
 (http://interfacelift.com/wallpaper/details/2297/starfield.html)

The old year is quickly coming to a close and I can't say I'm sorry. It has been mostly horrible for me. I had about three months when I felt close to wonderful and thought I might survive. I've been sick since just after Thanksgiving, most of this holiday season in fact, with headaches and severe pains in my neck. I've bought another pillow looking for relief. Too soon to tell. It is a memory foam neck pillow. Last night I used it and woke up this morning without it. So, not sure it's going to work.

I do have less RA related pain. I'm taking the Plaquanil once a day, Metheltrexate once a week, and 8 hour pain relief acetaminophen three times a day. Works better than the Lodine I was taking twice a day without the stomach burn. I still have some pain but it is considerable less. We'll see.

Tomorrow is a work day for me. I only work three days this week so that's a blessing. Next week I'll work four and then head to Arkansas for David's wedding on the Jan 11. I'll come back home on the 12 but I took some extra days off to recover from that horribly long drive.

Tomorrow is my baby boy's birthday. Must remember to call him. He'll be 30 years old. I wish I had a photo scanned of him to post. He was such a wonderful baby.

I've very annoyed with myself. I've been able to do a lot of crochet because it only requires that I sit quietly and there's very little strain on my neck. However, I've had to stay off the computer and no writing. It was simply unbearable to do either for very long. I'm going to have to find some sort of chair that supports my back, neck and head someway. My aunt suggested a recliner but my experience is that reclining while trying to read is one of the most painful things I've done. I have to be sitting upright, with my head perfectly aligned to avoid pain. Looking down at a book is painful. Holding one in a useful position is painful. Turning my head is painful. Any deviation from upright and straight ahead for more than a few minutes and I'm in bad shape.

Regardless of all that, I've set myself a goal for the new year to schedule writing and to write more. It's over on the other blog "Writing My Life Away" if you're interested. The link is above but don't feel obligated. I'll post progress reports there. . . {sigh} if there are any. This neck problem is causing collateral damage I'm displeased about.

All right, I'm off now. I only popped in to update those who are interested. No idea who is out there as there are seldom any comments.

Happy New Year to everyone, in case I don't get back before then.

Christmas Lost

I don't know why this was never posted. I wrote it five days before the holiday. Maybe I thought it was too depressing. That's never been a problem for me. Maybe I didn't want to be a whiner this year. Or maybe I didn't care even about this. But whatever, I'm not trashing it. So, months later, here it is in all is dark glory.

I looked around my house today and realized there wasn't a single sign of Christmas. Nothing. Not one decoration, no tree, no garlands, no lights. Not a sign that there is a holiday anywhere in sight, unless you count the wrapping paper from last year in the closet or the Christmas cards on the back of my front door from the family and the four or five actual friends. I hadn't realized that was a tradition until Sarah mentioned it the other night. "Mawmaw, you have your cards up on the door. You do that every year." She's only seven and for her, they've always been there. There are fewer cards each year. I can remember when it was covered top to bottom. I doubt she'll notice they are fewer since Jerry died. Haven't quite got a reasonable explanation so it is probably good they just are tapering off.

I have scads of Christmas music and considered putting it on the other night but decided on something with no holiday theme. I haven't made one trip to the store to shop. I haven't bought one gift for anyone but Sarah and I told Mike what to get and it is in my trunk. I'll send him for gift cards or get them myself this weekend. David won't be home for Christmas and I'll have to get their's then.

Yes, I know it is five days until Christmas. I really don't care. Each year I've delayed putting up anything until the day before. Last year I decorated on Dec 24th and took it down a day or so later. This year, I suspect, I won't do it at all. I considered buying a new tree but it'd be a waste of money. Mine is 25 years old. Everyone says I should toss it. I figure it will last as long as I do and then they can do what they like.

It is supposed to be a season of joy and celebration. I'll be glad to have my son home for Saturday and Sunday.  Sarah will leave for three weeks to be with him. So, Christmas Day I will get up at some point in the day and spend it sitting in a chair staring out the front window at a warm, sunny day or an overcast cold one. I'll do it alone. I have no desire to cook a holiday meal for one. I'll buy myself something just so I can answer the questions people ask when you come back to work. I've been trying to figure out what to buy. I bought tires for my car so could just go with that. That's hard because the things I want are impossible to obtain.

I remember decorating the tree with Mama when I was Sarah's age. I remember how much fun it was and how exciting to see presents from people and to open them. I remember how the stores smelled wonderful and since we had a live tree, the house did, too. The only people who ever bought me presents was my aunt and uncle and my sister. Jerry always waited until the 24th then ran out to try and find a gift and couldn't. So I usually ended up with gloves, a robe, or a gift card if any thing. No, he didn't buy me gifts, or rarely, not even birthday gifts. Really. I finally started buying my own and putting them under the tree. I remember how disappointed I was when I realized he wasn't going to be that person. Anyway, I feel none of that and wonder if something is wrong. I don't think so. I think I've reached a place where there isn't much to celebrate. Every day is pretty much like the one before, determined by pain levels. If they're fairly low, I can function and actually do something, like laundry or cleaning the bathroom. I might get the last two weeks laundry put away while I wash this week's. If they're not, I have to figure out how to get through one more night and hope that tomorrow it hurts less.

And then there is this sense of vacancy. There is this huge, yawning, black hole that appears on the horizon in November. No light escapes it and everything is sucked into it. NaNo keeps it at bay but ultimately, in December it begins its ascent. It will reach zenith sometime around January 29 and begin to slid into the abyss by the end of February. The days will be long and blacker than the backside of hell.

Slaying Dragons

St. George Slaying the Dragon
by Hans Von Aachen

I'm in that place that I live each year around this time of year. The Dead Zone is a good title for it. It starts mid-November and doesn't end until sometime around the end of February. I hate four months of the year. Isn't that crazy? I never get over the feeling that part of me has disappeared, probably the best part of me.

During these four months, the sensation of being broken in half is stronger, the edges seem sharper and more jagged. Even my personality feels as if part of it is missing. I am a whole person in the mirror. I can see a whole person but there's that gaping hole that I can sense.

I've analyzed this repeatedly and find it is no easier to understand. I was and continue to be very individualistic and independent. I handled international moves, the demands of the military on my family, a disabled child, and finally a disabled spouse. I should be able to handled life now that I'm alone. But I can't seem to function as whole person either.

Five years later life decisions are still nightmare to deal with and just the thought of them can cause severe anxiety. Crises throw me into a panic. Disrupted schedules and clutter send me reeling. They're all dragons before me. The final insult is that I get sick and there is absolutely no one to call. No one will be there to check on me if I need help. I spend time wondering what happens if I can't call for help? It is a question I have late in the night, the very time you don't want such questions. Just another dragon.

What I'm really hoping for is that there is this magic hour, day, week, month, or year when I'll wake up, open my eyes and find that the feeling of something missing won't be there. There won't be the feeling of a gaping wound that never heals. Instead, I'll be strong and competent and able to slay my own dragons.

A Month of Stuff

It has been a busy and rough couple of weeks. I finished NaNoWriMo four days early. In the past I've finished as early as a couple of days but not four days. It was a nice feeling, in addition to getting the 50k goal. I couldn't have done it, I suspect, without the online write-ins we had over on Mibbit.

We had to move Mike over the course of two Sundays. The only common day off we share is Sunday so it had to be done. One guy showed up to help him on the Sunday before the holiday weekend. They moved everything into my garage. We left the boxes and small items in the old unit until Thanksgiving weekend. Then, they let him start putting things in the unit on Wednesday. It was very good of them and saved us a bundle in truck rental and time.

Thanksgiving I spent alone. Mike and my sister worked. Mike and I spent Friday cleaning and moving stuff from his old place. My aunt and uncle drove up from Atlanta on Friday. That's a very long trip for them. They're in their mid-70's. I'm not that old and driving down to visit is rough on me.

Saturday, my aunt and I finished the cleaning up the old place while Mike finished moving the boxes and other small items to the new one. On Sunday we rented the UHaul pickup again and started moving stuff from the garage to his new place. My uncle took care of Sarah on Saturday and Sunday for us to move Mike. So, here we are, my sister, my aunt, my ex-daughter-in-law, me, and Mike. We left my aunt and sister at his new place putting away the stuff Mike had moved on the car while me, Becca, and Mike used the U-Haul to move furniture. My sister and aunt were neither able to do that lifting. I had no choice but at least Becca came to help.

Sunday night I had to pay the piper. I had severe leg cramps in both legs and sciatica in my lower back, probably causing the cramps. I didn't sleep much, if any. I got up on Monday barely able to move. My aunt and uncle left around 7:30 and I took Sarah to school. I could barely walk I hurt so bad and although I was dressed for work, I called in sick and went back to bed. I spent most of the day lying on the sofa sleeping. My back was moderately better Tuesday morning.

As a result of all my efforts, I've been slammed with swollen hands, knees, and feet resulting from severe inflammation. RA at its worst crept up on me on Sunday night. My hands and feet felt as if they were stinging (the same feeling you get when you run water that is too hot on your hands) and painful to flex my fingers. . That's inflammation. I'm tired. I want to just curl up and go to sleep. I've been having an escalation of these issues for a few months now.

Instead, I went to work every day. Today I had an appointment with my RA doctor. She's going to give me a steroid pack and start me on metheltrixate. I see no alternative. I've tried to avoid it but I'm in such pain right now that it is just too much.

Today, I just want to come home and close my eyes. For several hours.

Day 26: Reaching the Summit

November has only days to live and NaNoWriMo is winding down for another year. We're at day 26 and if all goes well, I will finish tonight, the earliest that I've ever finished a NaNo. At least I think so. I don't have that great a story but there are bits and pieces in the debris that I can see have potential in something else. In writing, nothing is wasted. You learn from the junk and you gloat over the gems.

This year's WriMo group has been a lively one and that's made it a lot more interesting. I'm feeling a bit down knowing that in just days it will all be over and everyone will go back to their daily lives. Part of you is always relieved when NaNo ends but there is this other part that hates to see it stop, to lose your writing buddies for another year, to not feel the exhilaration of trying to meet that daily goal, the excitement of write-ins, and just talking over your story. Even if you win NaNo, you lose something.

We do NaNo for all kinds of reason. You always hope to end up with a great story. Most are probably not so great. The more serious among us will wrestle with that story like Jacob with the Angel of the Lord and they'll throw out more than their hip to accomplish it. For me it has always been a personal challenge.

When I did my first NaNo in 2006 it was all about seeing if I could write 50,000 words of a story. I probably had several times that in boxes of handwritten and typed stories. I really had no idea exactly how many words that was. It's a lot of words. I made it to just over 30K that first year. I was disappointed but when I finished, I knew that the next year, I was going to try again. I won that time. From that point on, every year, I've set myself the goal of writing 50,000 words, with mixed results.

For me, the exhilaration of hitting the flow and the words pouring from your brain through your fingertips and onto the computer screen is about the greatest high you can get. Of course, there are days when you would kill for the next flow fix, when the words are dragged from you like a 19th century dentist pulling bad teeth. It's hard and it hurts. You don't stop, though. You keep going because, after you've done this a few times, you know that the next fix is just a matter of the right word, the right phrase, the right sentence.

There are unexpected side effects to participating in NaNo. You meet some really nice people from all over the world, online and in person. Many writers are pure introverts. We don't mix well with people. In fact, if asked, we'd rather not. I've noticed that once you get them out of the shadows, NaNo has a way of socializing introverts. They become much more talkative and excited about things, if by things you mean stories. They almost become extroverts. Almost.

I think the most radical side effect is what you learn about yourself and your writing. I've become less of an introvert. I'm a lot more confident in my ability as a writer. NaNo has honed my skills to a finer edge and so I write better. No, I'm not published. That has never been a goal for me, a dream maybe, not a real goal.

More than once I've been asked, "Why do NaNoWriMo?" Why do people climb Mt. Everest? I'll let George Mallory tell you.

“People ask me, 'What is the use of climbing Mount Everest?' and my answer must at once be, 'It is of no use.' There is not the slightest prospect of any gain whatsoever. Oh, we may learn a little about the behaviour of the human body at high altitudes, and possibly medical men may turn our observation to some account for the purposes of aviation. But otherwise nothing will come of it. We shall not bring back a single bit of gold or silver, not a gem, nor any coal or iron... If you cannot understand that there is something in man which responds to the challenge of this mountain and goes out to meet it, that the struggle is the struggle of life itself upward and forever upward, then you won't see why we go. What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to live. That is what life means and what life is for.” 
― George Mallory, Climbing Everest: The Complete Writings of George Mallory

I guess you could say that NaNoWriMo is my Mt. Everest.

Telling Horror Stories

I did this months ago with Sarah, my angle and my heart. I watched it again tonight and ended grinning from ear to ear. This is what happens when two storytellers compete.

 We have such fun when we're together.

Day 15: Halfway to Glory

Muffy just reached the halfway point
two days early in her online write-in!

I can't believe we're already at the halfway point in NaNoWriMo. It has been an amazing two weeks filled with write-ins both physical and virtual. Seems the virtual write-ins are a hit with those bent on hitting the goals ahead of time. I've been astound by the way my and the participants' word counts have skyrocketed at these virtual write-ins.

Participation is higher as well. Will we someday see only virtual write-ins? I hope not. We all need the contact, visual, auditory, and physical to really give us a new energy to move on to the next writing session. While the virtual write-in is well suited to facilitate a more focused and more intense writing session that gives you high word counts, there is something to be said for actually meeting and putting real faces, real voices, and real names to the people on the boards.  I like my NaNo Peeps even more after meeting them.

So here we are, half way. I'm two whole days ahead! I can believe that. Honestly, it is totally due to the virtual write-ins. I am averaging 1900 words at every online write-in. I've done very little writing outside of that since I started them over a week ago, except at the physical write-ins, and word counts were lower at those. So, this week I made it a point that when I'm going to write, I log into the chat site and stay there. Gradually, more and more of the group is dropping in and they're racking up the numbers. Word is getting out that if you want your count to climb, you need to do the online write-in as well. I know it works for me.

If I can continue this pace, I'll be done by Thanksgiving. Well, I'm hoping. I'm not very vested in this story yet. I hated it after it was started, got two days behind and then when I caught up, things began to look better for the story. I don't hate it, it just hasn't jelled yet. There's a good idea that needs a lot of work. For now, just get the words down.

One big problem has been my rheumatoid arthritis. I've had horrible pain in my hands, neck, and feet. The hand issue has made it very hard to type at times. When you think about it, I'm on the computer nearly 12 hours a day, typing in some way. The meds don't seem to work well anymore and I'm resistant to trying anything else if it is only going to cause me other physical problems, like going bald. Yes, bald. At the moment, my hearing is taking a beating with the nsaids. I've got constant ringing in my ears, sometimes so bad I can't sleep. I have to use sound blockers, e.g. ocean wave sounds, soft music, etc. But it is only a patch. I don't know how much loss I've got but I suspect it is considerable. But I'm not stopping writing until I can't write anymore.

The local group has some folks interested in forming a critique group. Its still in the talking stages but something will be eventually posted on the Facebook Group page.

I'm on my way now to Panera Bread for a Write-In. I'm hoping that I can get another couple of days ahead and get some interesting things going on in the story. They're talking me to death at the moment. It is a killer to try and get word count with dialogue.

To all my fellow WriMos, hang on. You're halfway to Glory. The purple bar awaits you it you just keep writing!

Nano Day 7: The Rocky Road

So, here we are, at day 7. What to say.... I've had a rough couple of NaNo days. From Saturday until last night I was consistently behind 400+ words. That doesn't sound like much but it is about two pages of typed text, so you try it. Without a plan or anyone telling you what to write.

The problem with getting behind in NaNo is that it is cumulative. Today you're 400 hundred behind. Tomorrow you have to do the daily count + the 400 missing words. If you miss the daily count of 1667 by say, 100 words, now you're behind 500 words. You see how this can get out of control very fast. It only takes a couple of days at that rate to be 1000 words behind and that, my friends, is roughly five typed pages. That's a lot and very hard to overcome unless you are prolific.

So, last night, I caught up and passed the daily count by a couple of hundred words. Yay! But joy such as this is short lived. When I woke up this morning I realized this. During NaNo you may go to bed caught up. You will wake up behind, 1667 words behind. And you must catch up by midnight.

Depressing? Well, for a moment. But you know that you'll do it. If you want to win, you'll do it. You'll sit in the chair, turn up the music, get in an online write-in, and you'll do it. That's what I did. I did an online write-in with a couple of my NaNo buddies. I put some music on my media player, and we all did some writing together. In one hour I had my words. You kind of want to do a happy dance. But I was sitting Indian style, wrapped in a cozy, warm blanket. I just did a happy bounce and a shout or two. Today, I'm feeling a bit better about the whole thing.

NaNo tends to suck you dry a good bit of the time. Unless your story is blazing and the muse is screaming at you, you can run out of steam pretty fast. You find yourself at stop lights thinking about a plot twist or what makes the character tick while the character behind you is blowing his horn and flipping you off. You go to bed wondering what you'll come up with the next day since you just used your last idea but you fall asleep from exhaustion before you come up with anything. Or you lie awake from the caffeine buzz from all the coffee you've been drinking to stay awake so you can just catch up.

You brush your teeth and think about the look in your characters eye as he/she demands you do what they tell you but you have other ideas. You're not sure about the ax he has in his hands. You argue with people who are not there and the people who are there look at you strangely and start searching for the number to your shrink. You have one, don't you?

In thirty days, you'll begin to sport bloodshot eyes, a scraggly beard (males... well maybe), hairy legs (women....well maybe), uncombed hair, and you're wearing your pajamas every second you're home. The dishes are stacked on every surface and there's a mouse dead behind the fridge. You think the trap got him but maybe it was food poisoning. If you're over 30, you may gain twenty pounds. If you under 30, you may develop zits from the excessive chocolate.

This is the road to glory. Thirty days of alien lands, rugged terrain, dangerous conflicts, and sneaking, conniving, lying, backstabbing characters all bent on destruction. Thirty days of shining cities, searing heat, freezing cold, and a holocaust. Thirty days of silent, stagnant, boring characters refusing to do a darn thing but stare at you in the bathroom mirror as you brush your teeth.

This is the Rocky Road to NaNoWriMo Victory!

Awesome!