Wednesday, July 31, 2013
That Kind of Week
I had good intentions. Really. I started this blog two days ago! Today, as for the last three days, we've had rain. I like rain but I'd rather be at home reading, writing or just sitting watching the rain. Do you ever watch the rain?
I was going to do a lot of writing but I had unexpected things happen, as usual. I'm really annoyed with myself. Saturday I had a writer's meeting and it was nice to just sit and chat. That morning I didn't write because I had some things to do and after the meeting I sort of ran out of steam, although I did write a little. But Sunday I was just tired and did nothing but sit and crochet. Crochet is the one hobby you can do when you feel bad.
I am having a bit of pain problems but my biggest problem is going to bed and sleeping. I really need to force myself onto a schedule. I stopped taking the Doxepin this past week because I think some of my problems with sluggishness were a result of that pill. It happens sometimes. That or the pill makes the sluggish, foggy feeling worse. Anyway, stopped it and my brain cleared. I really would rather not take it but it is probably the best sleep aid I have. I've been more alert but sleep is not as good and pain levels are higher.
The story has stalled out again but I'll keep plugging away at it. You can tell it stalled out. I've has some nice compliments so that's encouraging. Today, I'm at work and want to be home writing. Mornings are probably my best time of day, even though I'm not a morning person.
I went home for lunch yesterday and wrote on my lunch hour. That was nice! I got ahead and last night could take a rest. As of today, I only need 300 words. I'll finish it on time but short of my original goal..
I have so much to to that I don't know if I'm going or coming. I just realized Saturday that I'll be at the writer's conference in mid-October and return from the weekend before NaNoWrimo starts in November. I have to get my act together. Plan the kickoff, get a few goodies together, and sort out meetings. I have my NaNo friend, Tammy, acting as co-ML and that's should help a lot. She's going to host some of the write-ins as well. I'm looking forward to November but I am going to be really annoyed if I lose another NaNo.
Must go now because I'm hungry and it is lunch time. Not sure what I'll do today. I bought onion rings and went home with them yesterday. Worked out well. Today, I haven't even had breakfast!
So, off to feed and read.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
A Yarn about... Well, Yarns
It is an absolutely gorgeous day outside my window! There is something so unjust about the fact that I'm on the wrong side of the window. I got a towel and cleaner and cleaned the window, inside and out. No, we do not have people who do that. Much better view now. I just wish I could be out there.
I've had a better week than usual, although I think it began a bit rocky. I really had a few days when I was not feeling well but muddled through. I'm antsy to get back to crocheting again. I've let it slide this week because I had some pain in my neck and shoulders. I know what is aggravating it. I've been at my computer at the dining table again. It is just too high and the chairs miserable. I have to stop it.
Still running behind on my Camp NaNo story. It is frustrating but I can't help how tired I seem to be. I simply can't think when that happens. Creating a story takes a lot of work and a clear head. I think, no matter the outcome of camp I will continue till I have some kind of resolution. November is not far away and I will have to be done by then and ready to start a new one. I have the writing conference in October so maybe that will give me some inspiration. I do feel as if I've been trying to establish a routine and I feel it more now when I'm not writing. Writer's meeting is Saturday and it will be nice to meet up with them. Commiseration is very soothing.
Had a lovely online chat with my friend, Jilly, today. She lives in a village in England. I've really missed the blog she did about her family. She's so busy since moving to the village! I watch all these English mysteries and the ladies are always so busy doing things. They always reminds me of Jilly. I've promised myself after this writing conference, my next big trip is to England to see her. I've said it for several years now but I've suddenly realized that time runs out and I need to spend some of it on me.
I'd best get busy now. I will be so happy when the weekend arrives. I hope the weather will still be as lovely as today.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
It seems to me that when I'm doing my best, I don't have time to post about it. That annoys me. If I'm only posting when things are bad then it tends to be nothing but a rant. I hate that. And that is probably why I've stopped posting a lot of anything. It is why I started another blog about praise. I just hate posting negative content all the time. I don't like reading it so why would anyone else?Today is a really bad day and so that's how I know all that. I woke up hurting everywhere and most especially my neck. When my neck hurts I have balance problems and I'm really tired. This is fibro at its worst.To have to work with it is just horrible. Nothing works right. You can't really think clearly. You feel as if you're staggering around. You ache for no apparent reason. And you want to lie down and close your eyes. I sat down in a chair across the room earlier and closed my eyes. I knew immediately I could not stay there. So I got up and redirected my attention to work.
We had a move briefing this morning. One of the first clients I interviewed had on his Jack Daniels cologne and he reeked. The landlord doesn't want to rent to him anymore because he apparently doesn't like the cologne either. When I told him the landlord didn't want to rent to him anymore because he drank too much. He said, "I drink a little but...." It was the neighbor's fault.
He was a friendly fellow who I instantly had an aversion to because he's a drunk who came to his meeting drinking. He carried his problem with him and didn't understand why he had a problem. His paperwork was incomplete. He didn't have any documents. When I pointed it out he couldn't even figure out that he had not answered 7 pages of yes or no questions. He wanted to spend my time telling me how all his problems were his neighbor's fault. He informed me he was about to make her life miserable because his life is miserable. I didn't point out that he was making mine miserable and I hadn't done anything to him. You'd have to know my history to understand. Just know my tolerance for drunks is below zero.
Another client, who is also moving, cries everytime I see her. Yes, every time. I think she has a anxiety disorder. Do I look scary? I suppose sometimes I'm intimidating. When I asked her if she has a problem with anxiety she started to cry again and said she did. She sobs that the landlord hates her. She doesn't understand why. The landlord is tired of her constant complaining. I understand the anxiety issues. I have my own anxiety problems. I understand the landlord, too.
I decided that God sends us people that are mirrors. We are supposed to look into them and see our own flaws. The problem is that most of us don't see any reflection at all. We're kind of like vampires who, when placed in front of a mirror, have no reflection. We look at people like this and see nothing of ourselves. But mirrors reflect things back at us. The fact that you see no reflection is in itself telling you something. Because you should see something.
It doesn't mean we have the same problems, but we might. Mirrors not only reflect what we see, the also reflect what we feel. They reflect light and magnify it. They also reflect darkness. Have you ever looked into a mirror in a dark room. It's scary.
This lady made me wonder if I whine and complain too much. Do I do things that make people dislike me? When I'm stressed do I make life miserable for other people? Do I generally make life miserable for others? Am I concerned about another person's anxiety? Do I feel compassion for people who are suffering? Do I even care about anyone else's problems? The drunk... didn't do a thing for me. I didn't feel sorry for him. I have no compassion for his plight. Alcohol is simply a way of avoiding life and and responsibility. He is going to take his problem with him and make someone else miserable. If he looked into a mirror, he would see no reflection.
As a result, I can't say I much like mirrors. Today was not a good day to look into the mirror. I feel bad but maybe in the midst of it all I learned something good. When the lady left she asked me if she could hug me. "You're always so nice to me." {sigh} I looked deep into that mirror. Not really.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A Fish Tale
It was a lovely day that has liquefied. Still, I like rain so I'm good. It has messed up my plans for my walk. Thunder is rumbling overhead so I can't even go with an umbrella.
It is about time I rev'd up the walk schedule a bit. I've only been able to go a couple of times a week but I need to add a couple more days. I think I've worked out the best route, despite Sarah trying to kill me on the huge hill at the cemetery. It is a 21 feet elevation. That may not sound like much but believe me, you feel it. I thought of adding distance first but I am going to stick with the 10 minute walk and work up to several days a week and then I hope to do twice a day, morning (ouch) and evening.
I am dismally behind in my writing. I've been so tired at night that I barely get a thousand words. Still, I'm plodding along. I go until I can't. I need 2000 a night until the 31st. Not good.
Now, I've got to go and make tuna salad for supper. I've had indigestion all day. The onion rings for lunch probably didn't help but that's all I wanted. I stopped and got them and came home for lunch. Once I finished, I lay down for about half an hour. I didn't get to sleep but I did doze a few minutes. I need to do that more often. Get something really easy for lunch and just rest. I feel better in the afternoon, when I usually have my crash.
So, tuna salad and then write.
A short while later.....
Tuna salad done and it was delicious.
It is about time I rev'd up the walk schedule a bit. I've only been able to go a couple of times a week but I need to add a couple more days. I think I've worked out the best route, despite Sarah trying to kill me on the huge hill at the cemetery. It is a 21 feet elevation. That may not sound like much but believe me, you feel it. I thought of adding distance first but I am going to stick with the 10 minute walk and work up to several days a week and then I hope to do twice a day, morning (ouch) and evening.
I am dismally behind in my writing. I've been so tired at night that I barely get a thousand words. Still, I'm plodding along. I go until I can't. I need 2000 a night until the 31st. Not good.
Now, I've got to go and make tuna salad for supper. I've had indigestion all day. The onion rings for lunch probably didn't help but that's all I wanted. I stopped and got them and came home for lunch. Once I finished, I lay down for about half an hour. I didn't get to sleep but I did doze a few minutes. I need to do that more often. Get something really easy for lunch and just rest. I feel better in the afternoon, when I usually have my crash.
So, tuna salad and then write.
A short while later.....
Tuna salad done and it was delicious.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Day 10
I trudged along, uphill, fighting off mosquitoes, biting gnats, and assorted other pests. The trail was muddy, slippery, and on one side was a 8000 foot drop, straight down. I slogged on despite the obstacles. The end of my journey lay up there, at 21000 feet. Oops... sorry. Actually, that's me working on Camp NaNoWriMo. It is day 10 and I should be at 10,000 words. I'm at 8,029. I'm behind, as I have been for over a week. I missed several days writing and that is not the way to do any NaNo. Still, I'm plodding along. And despite the perils, I am enjoying the trip.
It has been a busy week and I've had Sarah several nights. It is hard to write with her here. It is very odd really. I never had trouble writing with my boys around. They just knew to entertain themselves when I was writing. Unfortunately, Sarah is an only child and so had no one to play with and so she wants to play with the grownups.
I'm exhausted tonight and about to turn in but felt I should at least boast a bit about my progress. This story is turning out different from what I was thinking when I started it. It began as one thing and has become something else entirely. I do not know what category it fits in. I don't have a title. I don't know what it all means. I suppose the characters will reveal it eventually. I am a bit out of my depth since it has been a long time since I was 18. However, I do remember that at 18 I was married a year. Marley is still very naive in ways I wasn't. So, I guess we watch to see how she changes.
One thing I do know, I feel better in the story than I do in my life. That should be a clue. Stay in the stories.
Camp NaNoWriMo 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Assimilate or Die
I just realized that my ticker just turned over the 30,000 mark sometime in the last week or so. I haven't been watching it very closely. I have no idea what it means. I saw on one of my blogs last week that something had received more that 89,000 +1s. Don't know what that means either but obviously not that people were reading it. Please, if you don't read it, don't plus it. That makes no sense to me and indicates you're simply trying to impress me. You didn't.
No, I'm not in a good mood. The stupid story is plodding along but not for four days. I've had my hands full with insanity and simply haven't had the time, energy, or desire to write. I have been reading and crocheting. I had to keep my mind occupied so the atmosphere in the asylum wouldn't send me totally over the edge. It is unfortunate that when people are miserable they think they need to share that misery with others they hate. When it is someone I care about it makes it even harder to get my head around. And I grow weary of it.
To be honest, Dave and I had the most peaceful weekend imaginable. We even commented on it several times. We had Sarah and we took turns spending a lot of time doing things with her. She was absolutely so sweet all weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone and no interruptions of any kind! Two days of quiet enjoyment and getting things done. Sunday afternoon gets here and things go to hell pretty quickly.
I went to church but by the time I got home I was exhausted. We got Sarah on Friday evening. Her mom was going out of town and Sarah had battled an ear infection all week but ear infections I know. As a result of being sick I think she'd got her sleep scheduled out of whack and had slept late on Friday. She was still having ear problems Friday night when we got her and had meds to take. So she didn't go to bed till late that night. Around 3 a.m. she woke me up freezing and crying. She had a fever. I gave her medicine for it and she went back to sleep after a bit. Anyway, she slept late Saturday, too but she seemed to feel much better and no fever. But she had a hard time getting to bed that night too because she wasn't tired. As a result we were both tired on Sunday morning. She napped in church. But I had to go to bed when I got home I was practically a zombie. Two nights of very late hours took its toll and if I didn't sleep I'd be in bad shape soon. Dave took care of her but he was tired, too. He lay down around 3 and Sarah lay down with me.
I don't have phones in my bedroom any longer. They are in the living room and in the study. You can't hear them except in the rooms they are in unless you are awake. We weren't. My cell phone was in my purse on the other end of the house. Really, I dropped everything and went straight to bed after church. So, when Sarah's mom started calling no one answered the phones and this apparently causes a tear in the space time continuum and this results in a black hole, from which there is no escape. Well, were told she'd be back late Sunday afternoon but we certainly didn't expect a return from Branson, Missouri by 1 on Sunday when she didn't leave till after 10 on Saturday! It is a six and a half hour drive one way! My opinion is, she didn't really go to Branson but I don't care. It isn't my concern. You want a break I can sure understand that.Why lie? But the penalty for not hearing the phones and answering immediately is a federal offense equated with kidnapping. We took Sarah home around five or six. Peaceful weekend over.
I get a text during church that she needs her car seat that Mike had when he took Sarah to the doctor. I tell her I'm in church and will have to go home to get it. I'm on my way home from church and it is right at 9 p.m. I call Dave to see if he can work with me. Too much trouble for him. I took care of it.
Mike, who went to church too, goes after the seat and meets me with it. I call to tell her I have the seat. We get something to eat and it is nearly 10 p.m. I call and tell her I have the seat. I call and guess what... she isn't there to get the seat. It is my fault of course because I told her I was home and would have to wait till after church. What?
I leave it at the door at her request via phone call. I go home. The chaos is in full reign. I don't know what happened after that on Dave's end. Sometime around the time delivering the seat, David starts getting nasty grams. Why? I don't know. I don't care. It's unnecessary.
He's called to say good night to Sarah. but she told him she was not with Sarah. What? Sarah was at a sitter. What? So why couldn't he keep her tonight? Yes, she knew I was off today. Who? She doesn't have to tell him and he needs to call before 9 from now on. What? Uh, he has a right to know where his daughter is if she is not with her mother and he has a right to know who the sitter is. He quotes the guidelines for Indiana and will show the judge the texts in the morning. Suddenly he can talk to Sarah and know who the sitter is.
Really? Really? Was all that really necessary. Why would anyone even go to those lengths to aggravate the man. He ask to say good night to his child around 9:30 p.m. He cares about his daughter. But it became more important to control his actions than to let her know that. Wow.
She doesn't get why he won't talk to her on the phone. I've witnessed many of those calls and read the text messages of both of them. I understand his reasons. He is a non-violent and passive personality who refuses to argue with anyone. Even me. She isn't. A passive person can't talk to someone who is always right, always going to be right, even when they are wrong. You can't be friends with someone who is always going to be in charge, demands constant attention and will always get the last word. And their word is all that matters. It is impossible to build a relationship with that kind of person because it is all one sided. They run the show and if you don't like the show you can lump it but you have to attend the show. It is why no relationship ever survives controlling personalities. They do not compromise. They do not yield. They do not concede any ground. They take everything and suck the other parties dry. And other controlling people they meet are quickly disposed of because they can't be controlled so easily. There is no "what do you think about it?" It is "Here's how it is."
Let me be clear on this. I'm suffering the consequences. I lost someone I loved very much. I attempt to keep a relationship going for both Sarah and her mother's sake. Because when I love someone, I don't just throw them away because they screw up. Even when it hurts me. I still love them. I keep trying to reach out and be a support because I know what it means to be alone and feel unloved. In this case I now struggle to do it. I'm getting tired. I care but controlling personalities destroy more than they create. They push away people who actually try to care about them. Because they can't allow the person to be an individual and they can't accept any reality but the one they create. When they fail to channel their energy in constructive ways control freaks are destructive. And they make big mistakes in their personal lives. They fail at many things. . . a lot.
I suspect control freaks are actually Borgs. If you never watch Star Trek you won't get that reference but you can Google it. In nearly all their encounters, they exhibit no desire for negotiation or reason, only assimilation. Their catch phrase is "Resistance is futile." The Borg directive is to become perfect by recreating everyone in their likeness. Ultimately, in the Borg culture, you must assimilate or die. People who are Borgs create an environment of hostility and aggression. Everyone in their world will comply or be destroyed in some fashion.
It is a great sadness when you care about them.
What happened to "I'd never use Sarah as a weapon" or "You can have her whenever you want her" or oh crap, any of the lies people tell when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you, or simply control situations. Assimilate or die.
I don't assimilate well.
No, I'm not in a good mood. The stupid story is plodding along but not for four days. I've had my hands full with insanity and simply haven't had the time, energy, or desire to write. I have been reading and crocheting. I had to keep my mind occupied so the atmosphere in the asylum wouldn't send me totally over the edge. It is unfortunate that when people are miserable they think they need to share that misery with others they hate. When it is someone I care about it makes it even harder to get my head around. And I grow weary of it.
To be honest, Dave and I had the most peaceful weekend imaginable. We even commented on it several times. We had Sarah and we took turns spending a lot of time doing things with her. She was absolutely so sweet all weekend. There were no phone calls from anyone and no interruptions of any kind! Two days of quiet enjoyment and getting things done. Sunday afternoon gets here and things go to hell pretty quickly.
I went to church but by the time I got home I was exhausted. We got Sarah on Friday evening. Her mom was going out of town and Sarah had battled an ear infection all week but ear infections I know. As a result of being sick I think she'd got her sleep scheduled out of whack and had slept late on Friday. She was still having ear problems Friday night when we got her and had meds to take. So she didn't go to bed till late that night. Around 3 a.m. she woke me up freezing and crying. She had a fever. I gave her medicine for it and she went back to sleep after a bit. Anyway, she slept late Saturday, too but she seemed to feel much better and no fever. But she had a hard time getting to bed that night too because she wasn't tired. As a result we were both tired on Sunday morning. She napped in church. But I had to go to bed when I got home I was practically a zombie. Two nights of very late hours took its toll and if I didn't sleep I'd be in bad shape soon. Dave took care of her but he was tired, too. He lay down around 3 and Sarah lay down with me.
I don't have phones in my bedroom any longer. They are in the living room and in the study. You can't hear them except in the rooms they are in unless you are awake. We weren't. My cell phone was in my purse on the other end of the house. Really, I dropped everything and went straight to bed after church. So, when Sarah's mom started calling no one answered the phones and this apparently causes a tear in the space time continuum and this results in a black hole, from which there is no escape. Well, were told she'd be back late Sunday afternoon but we certainly didn't expect a return from Branson, Missouri by 1 on Sunday when she didn't leave till after 10 on Saturday! It is a six and a half hour drive one way! My opinion is, she didn't really go to Branson but I don't care. It isn't my concern. You want a break I can sure understand that.Why lie? But the penalty for not hearing the phones and answering immediately is a federal offense equated with kidnapping. We took Sarah home around five or six. Peaceful weekend over.
I get a text during church that she needs her car seat that Mike had when he took Sarah to the doctor. I tell her I'm in church and will have to go home to get it. I'm on my way home from church and it is right at 9 p.m. I call Dave to see if he can work with me. Too much trouble for him. I took care of it.
Mike, who went to church too, goes after the seat and meets me with it. I call to tell her I have the seat. We get something to eat and it is nearly 10 p.m. I call and tell her I have the seat. I call and guess what... she isn't there to get the seat. It is my fault of course because I told her I was home and would have to wait till after church. What?
I leave it at the door at her request via phone call. I go home. The chaos is in full reign. I don't know what happened after that on Dave's end. Sometime around the time delivering the seat, David starts getting nasty grams. Why? I don't know. I don't care. It's unnecessary.
He's called to say good night to Sarah. but she told him she was not with Sarah. What? Sarah was at a sitter. What? So why couldn't he keep her tonight? Yes, she knew I was off today. Who? She doesn't have to tell him and he needs to call before 9 from now on. What? Uh, he has a right to know where his daughter is if she is not with her mother and he has a right to know who the sitter is. He quotes the guidelines for Indiana and will show the judge the texts in the morning. Suddenly he can talk to Sarah and know who the sitter is.
Really? Really? Was all that really necessary. Why would anyone even go to those lengths to aggravate the man. He ask to say good night to his child around 9:30 p.m. He cares about his daughter. But it became more important to control his actions than to let her know that. Wow.
She doesn't get why he won't talk to her on the phone. I've witnessed many of those calls and read the text messages of both of them. I understand his reasons. He is a non-violent and passive personality who refuses to argue with anyone. Even me. She isn't. A passive person can't talk to someone who is always right, always going to be right, even when they are wrong. You can't be friends with someone who is always going to be in charge, demands constant attention and will always get the last word. And their word is all that matters. It is impossible to build a relationship with that kind of person because it is all one sided. They run the show and if you don't like the show you can lump it but you have to attend the show. It is why no relationship ever survives controlling personalities. They do not compromise. They do not yield. They do not concede any ground. They take everything and suck the other parties dry. And other controlling people they meet are quickly disposed of because they can't be controlled so easily. There is no "what do you think about it?" It is "Here's how it is."
Let me be clear on this. I'm suffering the consequences. I lost someone I loved very much. I attempt to keep a relationship going for both Sarah and her mother's sake. Because when I love someone, I don't just throw them away because they screw up. Even when it hurts me. I still love them. I keep trying to reach out and be a support because I know what it means to be alone and feel unloved. In this case I now struggle to do it. I'm getting tired. I care but controlling personalities destroy more than they create. They push away people who actually try to care about them. Because they can't allow the person to be an individual and they can't accept any reality but the one they create. When they fail to channel their energy in constructive ways control freaks are destructive. And they make big mistakes in their personal lives. They fail at many things. . . a lot.
It is a great sadness when you care about them.
What happened to "I'd never use Sarah as a weapon" or "You can have her whenever you want her" or oh crap, any of the lies people tell when they are trying to manipulate you or get something from you, or simply control situations. Assimilate or die.
I don't assimilate well.
Friday, July 5, 2013
La Vida Loca
It is Tuesday, July 2nd and I feel as if I am short about three hours sleep! I' waiting for the other shoe to drop. Generally, when I am short of sleep or feel I am, I have pain issues to follow. On Saturday, we took Sarah to the horse show and I had a headache that morning. I ended up taking two Imetrex that morning before I could clear it out. That's become a regular thing with my headaches. And they are definitely are tied to the problem in my neck. Once the head stops hurting, the neck typically follows suit.
I spent about an hour and a half writing last night and got my first day of CampNaNo done before 9 p.m.. And I have a running start to the second day.
I am actually happy about my decision to work on last year's November NaNo. The thing fizzled out on me last year and I was disappointed because I kind of liked the character. I'm hoping to breath new life into it. It isn't going the way I want it to go even now but I've decide to let the characters do what they want for a while. I also like the less stressful feeling of the Camp version. Setting my own word count seem to have relieved some of the pressure and not having to do the ML duties makes a huge difference. I love that job but it is extra pressure during November.
I've posted last year's work on a blog and will be adding the sections to it as I go. If you're interested in reading it, you may but after July, it will be closed down.
It is now Friday, July 5 and I'm having a rough morning. I woke to two very painful hips, painful feet, a headache, and heavy cloud cover. The weather has been horrible for days now. Overcast skies that take any desire away to do anything outside. I don't think I slept well either as I overslept and when I got up, I did not have my special pillow. Probably the reason for my neck hurting and the headache. I need a nap badly.
I wrote a little bit last night but my word count fell behind since I didn't write for two nights in a row. However, it isn't so bad I can't fix it fairly easily. I'll be trying to catch it up over a three day weekend. I took Monday off because I have a repairman coming in that day.
While I do like some of what I've written, once again, I don't see where it is going. This isn't that unusual but generally, by the time I have this much written, I know something about what is going on. I don't with this one and that's a problem. It was a problem last November. I need a catalyst, a big one. A burning barn isn't it. Jim missing isn't it. There has to be something else. Any ideas please feel free to toss them out there.
I decided on July 4th that I'd start walking in my effort to get some weight off and to try and get in slightly better shape. I'm not sure this is going to be possible. Around 10 a.m. I went to take flowers to the cemetery with a dual purpose. I like it that cemetery, with it's numerous old growth trees, winding paved roads, beautiful ponds, benches, and interesting gravestones. It is really a perfect place to walk. I decided 10 minutes was a good walk and would be something I could manage. I did it and turns out that 10 minutes is roughly half a mile. I went back that evening. My hips were sore and I barely finished my route. When I got up this morning, I could barely walk. Both hips are shot.
Well, it is now past 11 pm and I am never going to finish this! Do not ask about my evening. I got off work and managed to get home and sit down for about 30 minutes. I spent the rest of the evening at the ER with Sarah and her mother. Then, we had to go eat as it was nearly 9 by the time we got out. I managed to get home by 10 p.m.. Hips are no better and walking is very difficult.
My goal is to try and walk again tomorrow but only once to see if it helps and the pain I'm having is just because it is a new exercise. I didn't really work hard or walk that fast. I'm sure the weather is not helping but I can't imagine why I'm hurting so bad. Really, walking is very painful in both hips.
I'm stopping this painfully long post. It will never end if I don't. What a day. No... what a week.
I spent about an hour and a half writing last night and got my first day of CampNaNo done before 9 p.m.. And I have a running start to the second day.
I am actually happy about my decision to work on last year's November NaNo. The thing fizzled out on me last year and I was disappointed because I kind of liked the character. I'm hoping to breath new life into it. It isn't going the way I want it to go even now but I've decide to let the characters do what they want for a while. I also like the less stressful feeling of the Camp version. Setting my own word count seem to have relieved some of the pressure and not having to do the ML duties makes a huge difference. I love that job but it is extra pressure during November.
I've posted last year's work on a blog and will be adding the sections to it as I go. If you're interested in reading it, you may but after July, it will be closed down.
It is now Friday, July 5 and I'm having a rough morning. I woke to two very painful hips, painful feet, a headache, and heavy cloud cover. The weather has been horrible for days now. Overcast skies that take any desire away to do anything outside. I don't think I slept well either as I overslept and when I got up, I did not have my special pillow. Probably the reason for my neck hurting and the headache. I need a nap badly.
I wrote a little bit last night but my word count fell behind since I didn't write for two nights in a row. However, it isn't so bad I can't fix it fairly easily. I'll be trying to catch it up over a three day weekend. I took Monday off because I have a repairman coming in that day.
While I do like some of what I've written, once again, I don't see where it is going. This isn't that unusual but generally, by the time I have this much written, I know something about what is going on. I don't with this one and that's a problem. It was a problem last November. I need a catalyst, a big one. A burning barn isn't it. Jim missing isn't it. There has to be something else. Any ideas please feel free to toss them out there.
I decided on July 4th that I'd start walking in my effort to get some weight off and to try and get in slightly better shape. I'm not sure this is going to be possible. Around 10 a.m. I went to take flowers to the cemetery with a dual purpose. I like it that cemetery, with it's numerous old growth trees, winding paved roads, beautiful ponds, benches, and interesting gravestones. It is really a perfect place to walk. I decided 10 minutes was a good walk and would be something I could manage. I did it and turns out that 10 minutes is roughly half a mile. I went back that evening. My hips were sore and I barely finished my route. When I got up this morning, I could barely walk. Both hips are shot.
Well, it is now past 11 pm and I am never going to finish this! Do not ask about my evening. I got off work and managed to get home and sit down for about 30 minutes. I spent the rest of the evening at the ER with Sarah and her mother. Then, we had to go eat as it was nearly 9 by the time we got out. I managed to get home by 10 p.m.. Hips are no better and walking is very difficult.
My goal is to try and walk again tomorrow but only once to see if it helps and the pain I'm having is just because it is a new exercise. I didn't really work hard or walk that fast. I'm sure the weather is not helping but I can't imagine why I'm hurting so bad. Really, walking is very painful in both hips.
I'm stopping this painfully long post. It will never end if I don't. What a day. No... what a week.
Monday, July 1, 2013
A Day on the Ledge
Wet and gloomy afternoon and evening. The day started with sun and mild temps but by afternoon it was raining and after about an hour of rain, has stayed cloudy. Current temp is 68F. The air feels damp outside but nice.
I went to church this morning but I've had an upset stomach all afternoon. I actually went to bed around 2 and didn't get up until nearly 5 p.m. Woke up twice with acid reflux and thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't but my tummy still feels a bit wonky. Not sure why. I ate some potato chips because I wanted salty. I'm sitting here thinking that onion rings sounds delightful. I have not idea what is going on with all that. For those with a bent sense of humor. I'm not pregnant. It would be both a miracle and an immaculate conception.
Tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo begins and I'm about as unprepared as I'll ever be but I'm going to try this. It's only 30,000 words for heaven's sake. Bad words count so I'll make the effort. My cabin mates seem nice and it will probably lead to some new friendships. So, I'll go with it.
I must remember to ask my doctor again about my SED rate. The podiatrist said my numbers were normal. O.k. What's that about? Normal? That's the same thing my primary care said three months ago. So, if they're normal, what do I have and why do I need to take these pills that are doing other things to me?
I left the house for about an hour tonight. I simply felt the need to get out and alone. I mean, I am alone. David is here but we hardly see each other. He was watching t.v. and I craved isolation. I went to Sonic, not the one in the video, and had onion rings. I sat at the end of the parking lot, facing a row of trees. It was quiet except for the music.
There is this place I am in and I'm not sure if I like it much. I don't feel depressed really. Physically, I think I'm o.k. but in my head is another matter. I can't put it into words, which for me, is an oddity in itself. I'm a writer. I can put anything into words. But not this, not here, maybe not anywhere. I read something today that was so on target and spoke about "ruins of life". It stopped me in my tracks, actually. I never thought in those terms. In fact, I've had trouble defining exactly what was wrong or what term described it. Ruins was so apt that I simply stared at the word. I had this image in my head of this huge castle, with its battlements, and towers, and parapets in ruins, stones tumbled all around with the skeleton of the structure standing against a bleak sky. My life. Every turret, every bastion, every wall breached and broken down. I stand in the central courtyard, alone, starting at this huge ruin that once was a jewel set on a mountain, with pennants and banners waving in the gentle breezes and sunshine. Now, it lies in ruins. It fit so well with what I am feeling that I couldn't shake it. Even now, hours later it is an image that remains.
I'm too old to rebuild, even if I had the energy. I don't. It was today that I realized I'm at the end of something. I don't know what. On my way back home tonight I considered my options. I can keep hoping for something good to happen. I can sit and fret over the ruins. I can live in the moment with what I have in my hand. It dawned on me that was why I spend time doing things that don't move. I read, blogs, books, and news. I crochet. I write. I play a solitary games. There is much that needs doing around me but I don't do it. I don't want to do it because there is no future in any of it. I find myself seeing no further than now. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't really get better. It simply keeps moving forward, carrying everything in stasis.
Perhaps it is possible for some people make things happen. I've lost the knack for that and the desire. I won't bore anyone with details but lets just say life hasn't been very kind. I was fortunate to have a small group of people who took care of me and gave me a great deal of love. They're mostly gone now. Only a few remain. A minister once looked at me and said, "You're a fighter." I didn't say anything and no one in that room knew anything about my life. He wasn't lying. I've always fought for every inch of ground because that was my lot in life. But even warriors grow weary and the best fighter will eventually be beaten. I'm tired.
Before I go to bed, remember that 80's song, I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it was one of my favorite songs. Maybe because the lyrics were mine in some way.
I went to church this morning but I've had an upset stomach all afternoon. I actually went to bed around 2 and didn't get up until nearly 5 p.m. Woke up twice with acid reflux and thought I was going to be sick. I wasn't but my tummy still feels a bit wonky. Not sure why. I ate some potato chips because I wanted salty. I'm sitting here thinking that onion rings sounds delightful. I have not idea what is going on with all that. For those with a bent sense of humor. I'm not pregnant. It would be both a miracle and an immaculate conception.
Tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo begins and I'm about as unprepared as I'll ever be but I'm going to try this. It's only 30,000 words for heaven's sake. Bad words count so I'll make the effort. My cabin mates seem nice and it will probably lead to some new friendships. So, I'll go with it.
I must remember to ask my doctor again about my SED rate. The podiatrist said my numbers were normal. O.k. What's that about? Normal? That's the same thing my primary care said three months ago. So, if they're normal, what do I have and why do I need to take these pills that are doing other things to me?
I left the house for about an hour tonight. I simply felt the need to get out and alone. I mean, I am alone. David is here but we hardly see each other. He was watching t.v. and I craved isolation. I went to Sonic, not the one in the video, and had onion rings. I sat at the end of the parking lot, facing a row of trees. It was quiet except for the music.
There is this place I am in and I'm not sure if I like it much. I don't feel depressed really. Physically, I think I'm o.k. but in my head is another matter. I can't put it into words, which for me, is an oddity in itself. I'm a writer. I can put anything into words. But not this, not here, maybe not anywhere. I read something today that was so on target and spoke about "ruins of life". It stopped me in my tracks, actually. I never thought in those terms. In fact, I've had trouble defining exactly what was wrong or what term described it. Ruins was so apt that I simply stared at the word. I had this image in my head of this huge castle, with its battlements, and towers, and parapets in ruins, stones tumbled all around with the skeleton of the structure standing against a bleak sky. My life. Every turret, every bastion, every wall breached and broken down. I stand in the central courtyard, alone, starting at this huge ruin that once was a jewel set on a mountain, with pennants and banners waving in the gentle breezes and sunshine. Now, it lies in ruins. It fit so well with what I am feeling that I couldn't shake it. Even now, hours later it is an image that remains.
I'm too old to rebuild, even if I had the energy. I don't. It was today that I realized I'm at the end of something. I don't know what. On my way back home tonight I considered my options. I can keep hoping for something good to happen. I can sit and fret over the ruins. I can live in the moment with what I have in my hand. It dawned on me that was why I spend time doing things that don't move. I read, blogs, books, and news. I crochet. I write. I play a solitary games. There is much that needs doing around me but I don't do it. I don't want to do it because there is no future in any of it. I find myself seeing no further than now. Time doesn't heal all wounds. It doesn't really get better. It simply keeps moving forward, carrying everything in stasis.
Perhaps it is possible for some people make things happen. I've lost the knack for that and the desire. I won't bore anyone with details but lets just say life hasn't been very kind. I was fortunate to have a small group of people who took care of me and gave me a great deal of love. They're mostly gone now. Only a few remain. A minister once looked at me and said, "You're a fighter." I didn't say anything and no one in that room knew anything about my life. He wasn't lying. I've always fought for every inch of ground because that was my lot in life. But even warriors grow weary and the best fighter will eventually be beaten. I'm tired.
Before I go to bed, remember that 80's song, I Need A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it was one of my favorite songs. Maybe because the lyrics were mine in some way.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday Update
Sometimes I just don't have time to do anything but a video. This is one of those times. I look terrible but hey, I'm relaxing at home. I'll fix up next time.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
My Wednesday Vlog
Good grief! I look like a deer in the headlights. Honestly, it wasn't anything scary. And I wasn't even moving! Oh well, just watch.
Later that day.......
Monday, June 24, 2013
Summer Camp 2013
So, I signed up to write 30,000 words in 31 days. Less stress than the November version I hope. And I'm not doing ML duties in this so that's even a bit better. However, at my writing group on Saturday it felt like I was in a kind of ML position and I think most of the group is comfortable having a go-to. I'm good with it. They're a very nice bunch of folks.
I have a few issues with the way camp is set up. You are assigned cabins but you can't pick your cabin mates. You can list who you'd like but their bots pick for you. My first go round was not even a maybe. They were all under 25! I don't mind a mixed bag but I have no intention of feeling like the den grandmother. I did a reshuffle and the next day I had a new group. One of my local group is in there and I like Gary. He just graduated from high school but since I know him, I'm comfortable with him. I am not really thrilled with the rest of it but the age range is a bit wider. I think I'm still the oldest. I can do another reshuffle but I'm not sure I want to bother. If it doesn't work out I'll go solo.
Do not ask me what I'm writing about. I have no idea. I'm going to sit down this week and pull some ideas out of my hat... or vase... or wherever I put them... if I can remember.
I have a few things in the pipeline that I could pull up that were only initial ideas and never really developed so there maybe something to work with. I hope so because I've had real problems coming up with ideas for a while. Side effect of fibro is this mental apathy where you mind is just a box of dust bunnies. Remember how good bunnies are with math? The dust kind are just as good.
Anyway, I'm going to try and have fun with this. I would like to actually write something funny. Unfortunately, I'm not naturally funny. I sort of stumble into it. That's why it's funny, I suspect.
If you've never done anything like NaNoWriMo, you should do this once in your life. Just so you can say you did it, if for no other reason. I waited years to do it and the first year I kept it a secret. The next year I jumped into the deep end and met some of the best people in the world... from all over the world. It changed my life in some good ways and is the best fun I've ever experienced.
So, come to summer camp with me. We'll weave campfire stories and battle mosquitoes together. I'll bring the marshmallows. You bring the bug spray.Friday, June 21, 2013
Winding up the Week
It has been a long week but the days have been lovely and warm but not excessively so to me. We've had rain here and there and usually afterward it has been humid but again, it hasn't lasted long. Several days I've taken lunch along and just sat outside and read.
My feet have hurt but far less than they were hurting. I went to the doctor on Wednesday about them. I am to go to a podiatrist new Wednesday. My RA doctor said she thinks it is plantar fasciitis. You can google it. She gave me some exercises to see if they help me in the mornings, which is when it is at its worse.
I'm exhausted today because I was at the ER last night until nearly midnight with Sarah. She was vomiting and had a fever. I carried her and her mother and stayed with them as long as I could. I probably got to bed around 1:30. I was an hour late for work but it's all right. Poor baby has a bad UTI and had to have an IV to rehydrate her. She is absolutely horrified of needles. If you'd had as many hospital visits as that baby you would too. She'd been in and out of the hospital a dozen times before she was a year old with febril seizures. They stuck her so much. Once when she was about two the seizure was very bad and she was out for awhile. They had to call in the life flight guys to do the IV and they finally had to go in her neck. So, when you say hospital, Sarah just gets so upset.
I'm going home tonight and try very hard to do nothing but relax. I've been going in and putting my feet up. It is the only time they don't hurt. This appears to be typical of plantar fasciitis. Hurts terribly first thing in the morning when you get up, gets a bit better as the day goes on and when you're off your feet. Only to slam you again before breakfast.
I'm nearly done with the sweater. I'm concerned I'm going to run out of yarn. I think I can get another skein but the last time I went looking I couldn't find it. Bummer. Caron Simply Soft has a website so I may have to order it. I'd hate to rip it out halfway and shorten it to get enough yarn..
Writers' meeting at the mall tomorrow at 2 p.m. I think my usual group will be there. I'm planning on doing CampNaNo in July. I don't know if I'm going to do a new story or finish an old one. I think I want to finish an old one but we'll see. I have a week to decide. I need the pressure NaNo gives me to be productive I think.
And as one final note to end the week. My new mattress and box springs arrived today. I will sleep on a springless mattress tonight and I hope sleep better. I'm so excited about going to bed! LOL. We have a mattress factory here and they still make "flippable" mattresses right here. I almost bought a memory foam one but at $1000 I decided not. However, they had several versions ranging in price. I finally selected a foam mattress without springs. I paid about $700 for the set and got a 20 yr warranty on it. Believe me when I say you won't find that anywhere anymore. I searched.
I handed my mattresses to my sister. It is one of the last mattresses that Serta made that you can flip. Jerry and I bought it a few years before he died. There isn't really anything wrong with it except I have so many pressure points that I simply can't sleep on it anymore. Only time will tell how this new one works but I think it certainly can't be any worse on me.
My feet have hurt but far less than they were hurting. I went to the doctor on Wednesday about them. I am to go to a podiatrist new Wednesday. My RA doctor said she thinks it is plantar fasciitis. You can google it. She gave me some exercises to see if they help me in the mornings, which is when it is at its worse.
I'm exhausted today because I was at the ER last night until nearly midnight with Sarah. She was vomiting and had a fever. I carried her and her mother and stayed with them as long as I could. I probably got to bed around 1:30. I was an hour late for work but it's all right. Poor baby has a bad UTI and had to have an IV to rehydrate her. She is absolutely horrified of needles. If you'd had as many hospital visits as that baby you would too. She'd been in and out of the hospital a dozen times before she was a year old with febril seizures. They stuck her so much. Once when she was about two the seizure was very bad and she was out for awhile. They had to call in the life flight guys to do the IV and they finally had to go in her neck. So, when you say hospital, Sarah just gets so upset.
I'm going home tonight and try very hard to do nothing but relax. I've been going in and putting my feet up. It is the only time they don't hurt. This appears to be typical of plantar fasciitis. Hurts terribly first thing in the morning when you get up, gets a bit better as the day goes on and when you're off your feet. Only to slam you again before breakfast.
I'm nearly done with the sweater. I'm concerned I'm going to run out of yarn. I think I can get another skein but the last time I went looking I couldn't find it. Bummer. Caron Simply Soft has a website so I may have to order it. I'd hate to rip it out halfway and shorten it to get enough yarn..
Writers' meeting at the mall tomorrow at 2 p.m. I think my usual group will be there. I'm planning on doing CampNaNo in July. I don't know if I'm going to do a new story or finish an old one. I think I want to finish an old one but we'll see. I have a week to decide. I need the pressure NaNo gives me to be productive I think.
And as one final note to end the week. My new mattress and box springs arrived today. I will sleep on a springless mattress tonight and I hope sleep better. I'm so excited about going to bed! LOL. We have a mattress factory here and they still make "flippable" mattresses right here. I almost bought a memory foam one but at $1000 I decided not. However, they had several versions ranging in price. I finally selected a foam mattress without springs. I paid about $700 for the set and got a 20 yr warranty on it. Believe me when I say you won't find that anywhere anymore. I searched.
I handed my mattresses to my sister. It is one of the last mattresses that Serta made that you can flip. Jerry and I bought it a few years before he died. There isn't really anything wrong with it except I have so many pressure points that I simply can't sleep on it anymore. Only time will tell how this new one works but I think it certainly can't be any worse on me.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Start of the Week
Monday is drawing to a close. The sky is overcast and a day that started with sunshine and mild temp ends with drizzling rain and 79F. It got up to 90F today, I believe. My car said 91. An auspicious start to the week, I guess
My weekend was too short and filled with distractions. At least, I felt distracted. I couldn't seem to get anything done but laundry and bills. I was behind reconciling my bank statements. Remember, I was terribly sick from February to May.I only realized I'd forgot to do them when I went in to pay bills and there they were, stacked right where I left them. I apparently had done April's statement but have no memory of doing it and I can't find the reconciliation I did anywhere. I forged ahead and did the May and June one. I'm fortunate that nothing disastrous occurred in my account. It wasn't a perfect balance but close enough I could live with it. I'm learning that unless it is catastrophic, to just be thankful I'm not broke.
Sunday we took Sarah to church with us and she spent the afternoon in her sandbox. She loves that thing. I'm going to get a new bottom in it this weekend and she has stones to make her a little patio around it. This will save me on cutting the grass but also I hope to fix her a small table for her to have lunch on. It is unfortunate that she is an only child. She has no one to play with and there are times she feels it.
I spent the afternoon on the sofa. I fell asleep, as much as she'd let me. You have to speak to her about every 20 minutes to reassure her that you're around. I don't know why but she is very insecure. If you don't answer, she will come look for you, even if you 20 feet away, as I was.
Tonight I'm sitting here in my den with the back door open and the sound of the wind in the trees, birds singing, and the moist cool air of the evening filling the room. It is how I like it. If there house were quiet, it would be heavenly. Dave is watching a movie in the living room. He'll be done soon and go to his room so I can deal with it. In fact I'm headed for a hot shower and something comfortable. I just finished a book and was about to start another but I wanted to finish this first.
The Final Arrangement by Annie Adams is an amusing little mystery. I found myself laughing out loud in several places. I like a book that can make me laugh and Ms Adams has a knack for it. I'm going to look for more of her books.
I've done more reading lately, since I got my new phone. I have a Kindle app on it and find that using it rather than the Kindle is easier. I got the Kindle because I thought it would be lighter than carrying a book. It isn't. In fact, it is probably no lighter at all. It is lighter than carrying 400.
Travel wise, the Kindle is only compact... you can carry more books on your vacation. Alternatively, the phone is much lighter, multi-use, and I can still access any of my books to read on it. Yes, it is a smaller screen but I can increase the font to a manageable size and I just tap the corner to turn the page. Yes, it drains the battery but the cord weighs nothing. I bought a car charger to use on trips. So with problems with should and neck pain, the phone is winning.
I think I'll go for now. I've got some things I want to do and I'm getting tired. I'll be around.
My weekend was too short and filled with distractions. At least, I felt distracted. I couldn't seem to get anything done but laundry and bills. I was behind reconciling my bank statements. Remember, I was terribly sick from February to May.I only realized I'd forgot to do them when I went in to pay bills and there they were, stacked right where I left them. I apparently had done April's statement but have no memory of doing it and I can't find the reconciliation I did anywhere. I forged ahead and did the May and June one. I'm fortunate that nothing disastrous occurred in my account. It wasn't a perfect balance but close enough I could live with it. I'm learning that unless it is catastrophic, to just be thankful I'm not broke.
Sunday we took Sarah to church with us and she spent the afternoon in her sandbox. She loves that thing. I'm going to get a new bottom in it this weekend and she has stones to make her a little patio around it. This will save me on cutting the grass but also I hope to fix her a small table for her to have lunch on. It is unfortunate that she is an only child. She has no one to play with and there are times she feels it.
I spent the afternoon on the sofa. I fell asleep, as much as she'd let me. You have to speak to her about every 20 minutes to reassure her that you're around. I don't know why but she is very insecure. If you don't answer, she will come look for you, even if you 20 feet away, as I was.
Tonight I'm sitting here in my den with the back door open and the sound of the wind in the trees, birds singing, and the moist cool air of the evening filling the room. It is how I like it. If there house were quiet, it would be heavenly. Dave is watching a movie in the living room. He'll be done soon and go to his room so I can deal with it. In fact I'm headed for a hot shower and something comfortable. I just finished a book and was about to start another but I wanted to finish this first.
The Final Arrangement by Annie Adams is an amusing little mystery. I found myself laughing out loud in several places. I like a book that can make me laugh and Ms Adams has a knack for it. I'm going to look for more of her books.
I've done more reading lately, since I got my new phone. I have a Kindle app on it and find that using it rather than the Kindle is easier. I got the Kindle because I thought it would be lighter than carrying a book. It isn't. In fact, it is probably no lighter at all. It is lighter than carrying 400.
Travel wise, the Kindle is only compact... you can carry more books on your vacation. Alternatively, the phone is much lighter, multi-use, and I can still access any of my books to read on it. Yes, it is a smaller screen but I can increase the font to a manageable size and I just tap the corner to turn the page. Yes, it drains the battery but the cord weighs nothing. I bought a car charger to use on trips. So with problems with should and neck pain, the phone is winning.
I think I'll go for now. I've got some things I want to do and I'm getting tired. I'll be around.
Friday, June 14, 2013
A Rambling Mess
A week has come and gone and I've not posted anything worth reading here. I'm fairly exhausted but I am so thankful it is Friday. My feet have been giving me fits and my back has been a pain... well, in my back.
If you remember I cleaned out the shed last weekend and installed cabinets. Was that last weekend? Whoa. I've been punished all week. In clearing out the shed I pulled out about seven boxes of paper. One contains our medical records. One contained all Jerry's military & VA records, at least it seems like all of it. The rest are boxes of bank records, school records for all of us, college for the adults and both boys school stuff from elementary to graduation.
My school stuff alone was a whole file box filled with every note I took and research papers, except for a few that I have stored in a binder of other writing pieces. My notes were awesome. My geology notebooks ... I used three different color pens to do my notes and diagrams. . . in both of them!And they were so neat and organized. I almost didn't want to destroy them. I told David, "I was a good student.... I was flippin' crazy!"
Wednesday night I began the tedious process of sorting to determine if there was anything in them that needed saving. I began with the military files first. This was difficult. I learned things that I should have known, probably did know and denied. Jerry was having problems much farther back than even I realized. It wouldn't have made any difference if I had known then and as I read through the records I wondered what I would have done if I'd realized.
I spent hours looking through my journalism file, reading the notes my professor made, smiling because he was so kind and supportive. I read some of the articles I wrote. It was a nice little jaunt into the past. I sent him a note afterward telling him how much I enjoyed revisiting them and he thanked me for sharing it.
Tonight, I sorted two boxes and it was bank stuff, statements and receipts, some of David's home school stuff. I'd found all of Mike's report cards the first night. I read over his evaluations and realized that all the problems he had in school he is still having to deal with today. Nothing has changed and there's no help for him. That was depressing.
I still have two boxes left and then I have to revisit the military records. I am burning things in the grill and with the quantity I have it will take weeks at this rate. The other two boxes are probably more bank stuff and Mike's social security records I kept for two and a half decades. Once this is all done, I need to start on stuff in the files in the house. And then the closets. At least, no one will have to do this when I'm gone.
The result of all this shuffling is a messy house, the den, anyway. I'm very uncomfortable with disarray. I don't ever remember being this distracted by it until after Jerry died. Once I cleaned everything out it is as if I became uncomfortable with clutter to the point I become very agitated when I'm confronted with it. My house is small and it doesn't take long to fill it up. These days I find that I crave open space rather than crowded rooms.
Sometime in the last week I realized I'll probably never remarry. I don't know why I think that. I'm sure several things are responsible. I don't know any single males my age who I'm remotely interested in. I don't live in a city where I'm likely to meet them. I'm concerned I'd meet some domineering tyrant that will treat me like property. My criteria are rather high and I'm pretty certain no one will ever live up to them. And there is this small part of my brain that says, I don't deserve to ever have anyone. So.
Bit much? I can't apologize. This blog is not your usual blog. I have always pledged to myself to speak the truth about what I think or feel because that is what it is about. I'm not concerned about whether people like it or agree with it. It is the story of my Life on the Ledge.
I have been missing Multiply, my old blog site. I read Jilly's blogs this past week and realized I missed reading about her family and life in the village and Simon's latest project. I miss reading some other's as well. Chris still post now and then about her family but it seems many of them don't post stuff much anymore. I read those of the new friends I've found here and on G+ and I enjoy them. I think it was the fact that we made more of an effort to stay in contact then. But two failed social sites is a bit much so I understand people not wanting to rebuild that kind of community again. Facebook just doesn't do much for me. I'm there and I have several friends from Multiply and from NaNo there I stay in contact with. It simply is not the same. But then, neither am I.
Tomorrow I have a few things I want to attempt to do. Laundry is top of the list. Work on the boxes, which shouldn't take but an hour or so. Get stuff to fix the den/kitchen pass through window so it is functional on the den side now that the cabinet covers 2/3rds of it. I have sewing I am itching to do. I would love a nice long weekend with no one around but me. I'm glad I'm able to help David but I do miss having times of solitude. He's planning on taking Sarah to something in the morning so I'll have a couple of hours I hope.
For now I'll say good night. I'm tired and achy and I've forgot my meds again. Not sure what kind of night it will be for me as a result of that.
If you remember I cleaned out the shed last weekend and installed cabinets. Was that last weekend? Whoa. I've been punished all week. In clearing out the shed I pulled out about seven boxes of paper. One contains our medical records. One contained all Jerry's military & VA records, at least it seems like all of it. The rest are boxes of bank records, school records for all of us, college for the adults and both boys school stuff from elementary to graduation.
My school stuff alone was a whole file box filled with every note I took and research papers, except for a few that I have stored in a binder of other writing pieces. My notes were awesome. My geology notebooks ... I used three different color pens to do my notes and diagrams. . . in both of them!And they were so neat and organized. I almost didn't want to destroy them. I told David, "I was a good student.... I was flippin' crazy!"
Wednesday night I began the tedious process of sorting to determine if there was anything in them that needed saving. I began with the military files first. This was difficult. I learned things that I should have known, probably did know and denied. Jerry was having problems much farther back than even I realized. It wouldn't have made any difference if I had known then and as I read through the records I wondered what I would have done if I'd realized.
I spent hours looking through my journalism file, reading the notes my professor made, smiling because he was so kind and supportive. I read some of the articles I wrote. It was a nice little jaunt into the past. I sent him a note afterward telling him how much I enjoyed revisiting them and he thanked me for sharing it.
Tonight, I sorted two boxes and it was bank stuff, statements and receipts, some of David's home school stuff. I'd found all of Mike's report cards the first night. I read over his evaluations and realized that all the problems he had in school he is still having to deal with today. Nothing has changed and there's no help for him. That was depressing.
I still have two boxes left and then I have to revisit the military records. I am burning things in the grill and with the quantity I have it will take weeks at this rate. The other two boxes are probably more bank stuff and Mike's social security records I kept for two and a half decades. Once this is all done, I need to start on stuff in the files in the house. And then the closets. At least, no one will have to do this when I'm gone.
The result of all this shuffling is a messy house, the den, anyway. I'm very uncomfortable with disarray. I don't ever remember being this distracted by it until after Jerry died. Once I cleaned everything out it is as if I became uncomfortable with clutter to the point I become very agitated when I'm confronted with it. My house is small and it doesn't take long to fill it up. These days I find that I crave open space rather than crowded rooms.
Sometime in the last week I realized I'll probably never remarry. I don't know why I think that. I'm sure several things are responsible. I don't know any single males my age who I'm remotely interested in. I don't live in a city where I'm likely to meet them. I'm concerned I'd meet some domineering tyrant that will treat me like property. My criteria are rather high and I'm pretty certain no one will ever live up to them. And there is this small part of my brain that says, I don't deserve to ever have anyone. So.
Bit much? I can't apologize. This blog is not your usual blog. I have always pledged to myself to speak the truth about what I think or feel because that is what it is about. I'm not concerned about whether people like it or agree with it. It is the story of my Life on the Ledge.
I have been missing Multiply, my old blog site. I read Jilly's blogs this past week and realized I missed reading about her family and life in the village and Simon's latest project. I miss reading some other's as well. Chris still post now and then about her family but it seems many of them don't post stuff much anymore. I read those of the new friends I've found here and on G+ and I enjoy them. I think it was the fact that we made more of an effort to stay in contact then. But two failed social sites is a bit much so I understand people not wanting to rebuild that kind of community again. Facebook just doesn't do much for me. I'm there and I have several friends from Multiply and from NaNo there I stay in contact with. It simply is not the same. But then, neither am I.
Tomorrow I have a few things I want to attempt to do. Laundry is top of the list. Work on the boxes, which shouldn't take but an hour or so. Get stuff to fix the den/kitchen pass through window so it is functional on the den side now that the cabinet covers 2/3rds of it. I have sewing I am itching to do. I would love a nice long weekend with no one around but me. I'm glad I'm able to help David but I do miss having times of solitude. He's planning on taking Sarah to something in the morning so I'll have a couple of hours I hope.
For now I'll say good night. I'm tired and achy and I've forgot my meds again. Not sure what kind of night it will be for me as a result of that.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
A Normal Weekend, Almost
My sons and I put up the kitchen cabinets I've had in storage for at least 10 years. Jerry and I bought the cabinets from a guy who was putting new ones in a house he was going to sell. He had time in a trailer beside the road with a sign that said $300. A whole kitchen worth! The plan was to put them up in our really hideous kitchen where we have two overhead cabinets, one sink and another base about 25 inches wide. It never happened. Even with cheap cabinets the amount of work in addition was just too expensive back then. So we stored them and waited, and waited, and waited. He died. 
Anyway about three weeks ago I realized I needed to make a decision. The shed is getting in bad shape. It is rusting. I have to repair or replace it. I can't afford to replace it and I am too tired to think about repairing it. I decided I needed to consider putting the cabinets up and just getting rid of the shed. So, last week I had planned to do that but it rained. This weekend was the one where I simply sucked up my pain and did it. We got started around noon and by three p.m. I had a truck load of junk to go to the dump. Both boys helped and we sorted the cabinets and I measured the wall, measured the cabinets. I sent Mike for a stud finder and David for square bits and screws. David put up a support board and we slapped them on the wall. By 5 p.m. the cabinets were up and cleaned up. We had supper at Sonic at around 7 p.m. No, installing is not hard. I'm sure we didn't do it exactly the pros do it but unless you watched us, you won't know i.
To tell you the truth, they look pretty good to have been sitting around the shed for 10 years. Yes, they need refinishing but honestly that is something relatively easy. The original finish is still in fairly good condition. What you see in the photos is after a good rub with Old English furniture polish. And they look just that good up close.As I stood and looked at the finished job, I thought about how happy I was just to see them up and how pleased Jerry would be to see that. Ultimately, any happiness you experience will hurt. Each time I walk into the kitchen I look at them I feel gladness followed by this little twist of disappointment. He should have been here.
I have three base units to put in and a couple of the drawers need repair, the "floor" of the sink base will have to be replaced the guy who removed it just cut it out to remove the base. But I can't do anything with them until I get the floors replaced. I thought I had photos of the kitchen somewhere on the blog. I suspect it as on Multiply. I have the archive but it is too much to go through, particularly tonight.
The floor is horrible. I painted it about 4 years ago just to make it bearable for me to look at. Three levels of flooring must be removed and a new underlay put down. I can do this with help but it means being without ALL appliances for about a week. Once I get new floors down, I have to put cabinets in and get counter tops on. Never mind the wiring and plumbing. So, we'll see.
Last night and today I have paid for my efforts with horrible lower back pain, shooting pains down my legs, leg cramps in both calves and both feet. On top of that I rode painfilled nightmares all night long. I've been having the cramps in my legs and feet for a couple of weeks and walking is extremely hard. But it has managed to attain a new level of intensity. I got an ice pack around midnight and that got me to sleep only to have bad dreams.
I went to church this morning but after the first hour was not doing so well sitting. My back, hip and leg were not happy with me. I stayed home tonight and I have Sarah with me.
For me the weekend felt about like it should feel. This is the kind of things I like to do. The shed is so uncluttered that even I was suprised. Things were accomplished and that makes me feel more human, more normal. There are few days like that for me. If I were not in so much pain... life might be o.k. This is the penalty for a moment's happiness.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Third Time....
I wish I could remember what I wrote in my failed attempts but I can't. For three days I've tried to post something only to have Blogger eat it as soon as I hit publish. I'm very annoyed because in all the years I've been on here, I've had that happen maybe three times.... total. And now it has happened three times in as many days. Words I can't ever retrieve.I've had a relatively calm week but it might be attributed to my vacation. I really enjoyed my trip to Florida but decided that my next trip is going to have a couple of beach days in it. I don't know how but it will. I am really in need of more sand and sun.
The photo above is that of a "nursing" pillow my sister, Roselynn gave me while I was in Florida. It is designed for new mothers to put in their lap and use as support to cradle the baby while they feed it. What an invention! I had the idea 35 years ago but used plain old bed pillows.
Anyway, I'm glad she gave it to me. It has been a Godsend. I have a problem with my neck that causes terrible pain in my shoulder, neck, back, and can lead to a dreadful migraine that can last for days. I have a very hard time sleeping because I wake up in terrible pain if my head gets in certain positions. If the pillow is too thick, I am in agony. If it is too hard, I am in agony. I have trouble shifting from my back to my side because I have to wake up and adjust pillows and hope I can find a comfortable position that will keep my neck aligned and not allow it to shift into an awkward position. And then fall back to sleep only to wake up feeling as if I have a broken neck.
I forgot my own pillows when I went down South. She had this and said try it. So I did. And you know what? It worked. This pillow is soft. I can put it around my neck, lie down and my head is stable. It doesn't roll into a cramped position when I'm asleep. If I turn over, the curved arms are in the perfect position and the pillow the right thickness to keep my spine aligned. No, this isn't what the pillow was designed for but it is about as perfect as I could hope. I've had better sleep for a couple of weeks now. I still have pain when I get up but it is a lot better.
I'm feeling a bit distressed about some things but I can't do anything about it so I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm restless and I can't pinpoint why. I don't like this feeling. It is too much like a premonition and I hate when that happens. Really hate it. It is a bit like watching a car accident. You see it coming, know it will happen and you can't do a thing to stop it or change it. Very annoying.
I'm still working on Sarah's sweater. It is on again, off again. When I get tired of one thing I do something else. You know, if you think about it, our lives are rather dull in general. Unless we're doing something radical, we're all pretty ordinary. I mean, what are you doing? Sitting reading this blog. I'm writing it. When you're done, you'll move to Facebook or G+ or play a game or watch something on television. You might go out and do something outside or cook, clean, crochet, sew or knit. But ultimately, we all generally do the same things, day in and day out.
I'm going now. My blogs of late are rather boring. At least they're not filled with rants and moans and groans! About time.
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