This is my last post of an old and miserable year. There are no words that I can write that even begin to express how glad I am to see it end. It could not even end on a happy note. Thursday I will bury another part of my life.
I will hope for a bright and happy New Year for you all.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Deadly December
My mother died today. I wish I had something to say that was meaningful and profound. I don't. I hate December. Her parents raised me and I called her mother Mama. Mama had a stroke on December 24, 1973 and died January 2, 1974. Daddy, my mother's dad, died December 10, 1990. His sister died in December. My husband, Jerry, died January 29, 2009, ten days after our anniversary. Is it any wonder that I await the Big Three holidays with absolute dread? I'd love to find something joyful in the season but it is pretty much horrible.
I am actually not feeling much of anything but a kind of depression. I recognize this for what it is and I know I'll have to be careful for a while. I will be leaving on Wednesday to go home for the funeral. They're trying to do it on Thursday but lets face it, New Years Day is not the best time to arrange a funeral.
I'm ready to adjust my calendar to eliminate December. Maybe January, too.
I am actually not feeling much of anything but a kind of depression. I recognize this for what it is and I know I'll have to be careful for a while. I will be leaving on Wednesday to go home for the funeral. They're trying to do it on Thursday but lets face it, New Years Day is not the best time to arrange a funeral.
I'm ready to adjust my calendar to eliminate December. Maybe January, too.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Let's Ban Everything!
I do not know why it is so difficult for legislators, politicians or whatever, to see that banning something never works. A negative action never creates a positive outcome.
Banning alcohol did not stop people from obtaining it and it created a whole new segment of society: organized crime on a grand scale. Interestingly, the World Health Organization reports here, Alcohol, that "The harmful use of alcohol results in 2.5 million deaths each year." The drug that was once banned and is now sold legally across the nation kills more people than guns!
Drugs are a perfect example of a "no solution problem". You can ban them but banning drug use has not stopped usage and created a second segment of society: drug cartels. Those who want them, buy them illegally and use them. There is no way to register street drugs. There is no way to identify where they came from if people won't talk. There is no way to control usage because usage is in the control of the user. Drugs are rampant in this country. According to this LA Times post 37,792 died in 2010 from illegal drug use and that was only a first estimate. The number was expected to rise.
However, according to Datablog in 2011, there was "12,664 murders in the US. Of those, 8,583 were caused by firearms." So... should we consider much more than firearms? I mean, knives, hammers, crowbars, automobiles, drugs, oh... and axes, of course. (See Responsible Parties).
According, to the Datablog report gun violence is trending down! And for those who want all the stats on illegal drug use here is a report that probably cost millions to prepare from dozen of agencies. National Drug Control Strategy This is a comprehensive report prepared for the President for 2012.
Banning anything as a means of control is notoriously ineffective. In the case of guns, this is ludicrous We have the technology in place to exert control over who owns a gun. Every gun sold can be tracked to the person bought it. Licensing can be monitored with a national database if they want to do so. Criminal records should already be in a national database where they can be cross referenced with gun purchases. More than one criminal has bought a gun through regular channels. Of course, then you have to start documenting those with violent tendencies and mental disorders. This should keep most law enforcement agencies pretty busy just keeping track of the legal guns. Of course, it still won't prevent the illegal ones from finding their way into the hands of the violent criminal or insane.
So, lets ban all drugs, every conceivable weapon, vehicles that travel over the national speed limit, and all alcohol. That will definitely insure that law abiding citizens won't be able to hurt anyone. As for the criminal element... they'll do exactly what they're doing now - purchasing illegal weapons and guns and drinking and driving.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Responsible Parties
I read this article after my friend +Chris D posted it on her Facebook page: Anger as French psychiatrist is found guilty after patient hacks man to death
This post is just my thoughts on this timely subject. The article relates that a psychiatrist got a one year suspended sentence for failing to recognize her patient could be dangerous. He escaped his therapy session in hospital and while free, he murdered his grandmother's boyfriend with an ax. Not they have prosecuted the doctor for failing to recognize the danger. I'm not sure she didn't recognize the danger but she is responsible for what happened? I'm not convinced of that.
One of two things will happen once you start prosecuting people for "not recognizing the danger" a mentally disturbed person presents to others. First, a lot of people, mostly harmless people, will be brought before a panel of mental health professionals who will be terrified to get it wrong. That alone is scary.
Second, the truly dangerous won't be able to find medical help anywhere and their families will be held accountable and fined because doctors will be too afraid they will be sent to jail for a misdiagnosis or for not recognizing a danger. Mental health care is already in a sad state.
A third scenario could come about if wisdom prevails... apparently several other doctors actually recognized that the situation was so serious with this patient they "suggested" she give the patient to someone else. She refused. Note, doesn't it sound as if a "team" was involved in his treatment and that his behavior had escalated? Why wouldn't a team force this doctor to remand her patient to a more secure institution under someone else's care? When other doctors were aware that the situation was dangerous or the patient was not being helped why are they not also questioned or even charged? He was known to be dangerous by everyone!
For days I've read articles suggesting that Adam Lanza's mother did nothing to protect society. Immediately people began to lay blame on the mother. Why didn't she ask for help? Why didn't she do something? Why did she have guns? It must be her fault he killed all those people, right? A recent article suggested she had begun to take steps to have him committed and this may have been what sent him over the edge. But how do we know she hadn't tried to handle things in some way?
I can't begin to know what this woman was living with for years but based on what is now known, she's handled it alone for a long time, growing more and more frightened of what was happening to her child. The most recent months must have been a boiling cauldron of fear in her home. If reports are true, she had begun steps to have him committed. She had reached her limit. How sad it came too late and her head was blown off before she could get the help she needed.
As a parent, I don't think any of us want to believe we have insane children. But this isn't the first time children have harmed parents. It is the first time they managed to harm the parent and nearly two dozen others. She should have asked for help? Really? From whom? Does the public really know how difficult getting help for this sort of thing is? Obviously, not.
A few decades ago some political know-nothings dumped mental patients on the streets to fend for themselves. Funding, you know, and there was adequate help out there without having to institutionalize folks who could dress themselves and wipe their own bottom. Never mind that most of the time many of these institutionalized patients didn't know their own names or what planet they were on. They became the homeless, rooting around in garbage cans and sleeping where they could find a warm cardboard box.And the processes of getting help for new cases... unbelievably difficult. The process of getting someone committed is nearly impossible. For good reasons and bad ones.
The Adam Lanza's of the world are capable of coherent, even highly intelligent activity. The majority of people who knew him appear to have never seen a violent action or more than a passing weirdness. Are they to blame for this tragedy because they failed to recognize that he was a danger? No. Is anyone capable of identifying psychopaths? No. And we don't really know what Adam Lanza was suffering from, at this point. There is no diagnosis.
I suspect there are many more of these children out there. There are many more of these mothers and fathers out there. What do you really think is going to happen when they try to get help?
The doctor in France made the wrong decision probably in the belief that she could help. She's responsible for not recognizing her limitations.
Adam Lanza's mother is probably guilty of being a mother who loved her son and simply could not believe he'd ever hurt anyone...until it was too late. Had Adam not killed his own mother, would we crucify her for his actions? I believe we would.
Blaming others is a coping mechanism for people who don't know what else to do. I do not think other people are responsible for an insane person's actions. I do think we should take steps to protect ourselves and others but I know that generally, it is a waste of time. Ask anyone who has been harassed by a disturbed person living next door how difficult it is to get help to stop it. Adam Lanza is a murderer. His mother is one of his victims and I suspect she was a victim for a long time before he killed her.
The problem here is not guns. The problem here is we can't know who will go on a rampage and murder our children. Instead of spending millions enforcing a ban on owning guns,why can't we spend millions finding way to prevent another massacre at the hands of people like Lanza? He isn't the first to do this. Find ways to actually help families of the mentally ill rather than closing doors in their faces, tying them up with years of red tape, and making them out to be the monsters.
Evil will always find a way. Please note that the mental patient in France used an axe to murder his victim. Evil will use any means necessary to kill, steal, and destroy society. Our job is to find ways to combat evil.
This post is just my thoughts on this timely subject. The article relates that a psychiatrist got a one year suspended sentence for failing to recognize her patient could be dangerous. He escaped his therapy session in hospital and while free, he murdered his grandmother's boyfriend with an ax. Not they have prosecuted the doctor for failing to recognize the danger. I'm not sure she didn't recognize the danger but she is responsible for what happened? I'm not convinced of that.
One of two things will happen once you start prosecuting people for "not recognizing the danger" a mentally disturbed person presents to others. First, a lot of people, mostly harmless people, will be brought before a panel of mental health professionals who will be terrified to get it wrong. That alone is scary.
Second, the truly dangerous won't be able to find medical help anywhere and their families will be held accountable and fined because doctors will be too afraid they will be sent to jail for a misdiagnosis or for not recognizing a danger. Mental health care is already in a sad state.
A third scenario could come about if wisdom prevails... apparently several other doctors actually recognized that the situation was so serious with this patient they "suggested" she give the patient to someone else. She refused. Note, doesn't it sound as if a "team" was involved in his treatment and that his behavior had escalated? Why wouldn't a team force this doctor to remand her patient to a more secure institution under someone else's care? When other doctors were aware that the situation was dangerous or the patient was not being helped why are they not also questioned or even charged? He was known to be dangerous by everyone!
For days I've read articles suggesting that Adam Lanza's mother did nothing to protect society. Immediately people began to lay blame on the mother. Why didn't she ask for help? Why didn't she do something? Why did she have guns? It must be her fault he killed all those people, right? A recent article suggested she had begun to take steps to have him committed and this may have been what sent him over the edge. But how do we know she hadn't tried to handle things in some way?
I can't begin to know what this woman was living with for years but based on what is now known, she's handled it alone for a long time, growing more and more frightened of what was happening to her child. The most recent months must have been a boiling cauldron of fear in her home. If reports are true, she had begun steps to have him committed. She had reached her limit. How sad it came too late and her head was blown off before she could get the help she needed.
As a parent, I don't think any of us want to believe we have insane children. But this isn't the first time children have harmed parents. It is the first time they managed to harm the parent and nearly two dozen others. She should have asked for help? Really? From whom? Does the public really know how difficult getting help for this sort of thing is? Obviously, not.
A few decades ago some political know-nothings dumped mental patients on the streets to fend for themselves. Funding, you know, and there was adequate help out there without having to institutionalize folks who could dress themselves and wipe their own bottom. Never mind that most of the time many of these institutionalized patients didn't know their own names or what planet they were on. They became the homeless, rooting around in garbage cans and sleeping where they could find a warm cardboard box.And the processes of getting help for new cases... unbelievably difficult. The process of getting someone committed is nearly impossible. For good reasons and bad ones.
The Adam Lanza's of the world are capable of coherent, even highly intelligent activity. The majority of people who knew him appear to have never seen a violent action or more than a passing weirdness. Are they to blame for this tragedy because they failed to recognize that he was a danger? No. Is anyone capable of identifying psychopaths? No. And we don't really know what Adam Lanza was suffering from, at this point. There is no diagnosis.
I suspect there are many more of these children out there. There are many more of these mothers and fathers out there. What do you really think is going to happen when they try to get help?
Adam Lanza's mother is probably guilty of being a mother who loved her son and simply could not believe he'd ever hurt anyone...until it was too late. Had Adam not killed his own mother, would we crucify her for his actions? I believe we would.
Blaming others is a coping mechanism for people who don't know what else to do. I do not think other people are responsible for an insane person's actions. I do think we should take steps to protect ourselves and others but I know that generally, it is a waste of time. Ask anyone who has been harassed by a disturbed person living next door how difficult it is to get help to stop it. Adam Lanza is a murderer. His mother is one of his victims and I suspect she was a victim for a long time before he killed her.
The problem here is not guns. The problem here is we can't know who will go on a rampage and murder our children. Instead of spending millions enforcing a ban on owning guns,why can't we spend millions finding way to prevent another massacre at the hands of people like Lanza? He isn't the first to do this. Find ways to actually help families of the mentally ill rather than closing doors in their faces, tying them up with years of red tape, and making them out to be the monsters.
Evil will always find a way. Please note that the mental patient in France used an axe to murder his victim. Evil will use any means necessary to kill, steal, and destroy society. Our job is to find ways to combat evil.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Reaching The Pinnacle
Tuesday, second day of the work week when we look with relish at a past Monday and longing toward an approaching weekend. I basically envision myself climbing this steep cliff, hands bloodied, nails broken, gasping for breath and stretching to grasp the pinnacle of Wednesday and drag myself over the top so I can roll down the gentle, grassy slope to Friday evening.
I'm contemplating how on earth I can skip Wednesday and just get right to that slope.
Whatever. Week is not half done but I am.
I noticed the ticker at the bottom says I've topped 20,000. What? No trumpets? No parade? No ticker tape? No balloons, streamers, or cheers? Well.
Still, I like seeing stats. One thing I noticed right away was that my post from 2008 "A Little Bit of Gun History" had hits. This may seem random but if it does you live in a cave. I actually didn't remember writing it and had to do read it. I found it interesting but then questioned my sources. Really.
It has been a horrendous week for the people of Connecticut. And probably for most of the nation. I've avoided all news but a minimum number of articles reporting it. I'm not watching videos, tributes, and reading interviews with survivors. I have a six year old grand-daughter. I can't be dragged into the hell these parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings are living. I simply can't. I see a shinning, smiling face with sparkling eyes of a bubbling little girl that holds my heart in her hands. I am totally incapable of dealing with this horror because her face is superimposed at every mention of this horrible disaster. The promise of Christmas has been obliterated for the survivors and there is no fixing it. I can only pray for them, pray for us all.
I still have no tree up. No decorations, either. I moved things around over the weekend with the help of my sons. We put the freezer in the garage. I am amazed at how much of a relief that was! I need it but it is such a nuisance to have in the house. I still have to clean out a closet for David. I'm planning on doing that this week. Unfortunately, the events of the weekend left me almost completely unable to move on Sunday. I pushed hard Thursday through Saturday to get this done, not stopping for much of anything. The price was pain that is not on any scale. I could barely walk at all Sunday and movement of any kind was misery.
I bought stuff for our Christmas dinner. Thankfully, I have the weekend to prepare so it shouldn't be such a rush. I have to put up any decorations soon or I might as well not bother.
May I be perfectly honest? I really, really, really do not like holidays anymore. Truly. Even though I enjoy Sarah's excitement and pleasure I truly find them unbearably painful and tedious. I don't have anything to celebrate. I'm thankful for my family and my home and my job every day of the year but the memories I have of holidays are all bad and getting through November to February is just very hard.
We don't even bother much with gifts anymore. I mean, I usually give the boys their gift in the form of money weeks before the holiday, at their request. They buy what they want. No one but my aunt generally buys me anything, maybe my sister who lives here, but other than that, I don't unwrap a thing. There is no one special for me to buy for but Sarah and I do that all the time anyway. So, in essence I'm putting myself through a grinder for nothing. It is very disheartening when all the things that sparkled and shone in your life is pretty much tarnished and rusted out and you no longer feel important to anyone.
And with that, I'll stop. I have an hour to get my work done. It isn't enough. But tomorrow I will reach that pinnacle, Wednesday. I'll bandage the hands and drift down the hill... one hopes, to the weekend when I'll be off four days, work one and be off another four days. For that, I am truly thankful.
I'm contemplating how on earth I can skip Wednesday and just get right to that slope.
Whatever. Week is not half done but I am.
I noticed the ticker at the bottom says I've topped 20,000. What? No trumpets? No parade? No ticker tape? No balloons, streamers, or cheers? Well.
Still, I like seeing stats. One thing I noticed right away was that my post from 2008 "A Little Bit of Gun History" had hits. This may seem random but if it does you live in a cave. I actually didn't remember writing it and had to do read it. I found it interesting but then questioned my sources. Really.
It has been a horrendous week for the people of Connecticut. And probably for most of the nation. I've avoided all news but a minimum number of articles reporting it. I'm not watching videos, tributes, and reading interviews with survivors. I have a six year old grand-daughter. I can't be dragged into the hell these parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings are living. I simply can't. I see a shinning, smiling face with sparkling eyes of a bubbling little girl that holds my heart in her hands. I am totally incapable of dealing with this horror because her face is superimposed at every mention of this horrible disaster. The promise of Christmas has been obliterated for the survivors and there is no fixing it. I can only pray for them, pray for us all.
I still have no tree up. No decorations, either. I moved things around over the weekend with the help of my sons. We put the freezer in the garage. I am amazed at how much of a relief that was! I need it but it is such a nuisance to have in the house. I still have to clean out a closet for David. I'm planning on doing that this week. Unfortunately, the events of the weekend left me almost completely unable to move on Sunday. I pushed hard Thursday through Saturday to get this done, not stopping for much of anything. The price was pain that is not on any scale. I could barely walk at all Sunday and movement of any kind was misery.
I bought stuff for our Christmas dinner. Thankfully, I have the weekend to prepare so it shouldn't be such a rush. I have to put up any decorations soon or I might as well not bother.
May I be perfectly honest? I really, really, really do not like holidays anymore. Truly. Even though I enjoy Sarah's excitement and pleasure I truly find them unbearably painful and tedious. I don't have anything to celebrate. I'm thankful for my family and my home and my job every day of the year but the memories I have of holidays are all bad and getting through November to February is just very hard.
We don't even bother much with gifts anymore. I mean, I usually give the boys their gift in the form of money weeks before the holiday, at their request. They buy what they want. No one but my aunt generally buys me anything, maybe my sister who lives here, but other than that, I don't unwrap a thing. There is no one special for me to buy for but Sarah and I do that all the time anyway. So, in essence I'm putting myself through a grinder for nothing. It is very disheartening when all the things that sparkled and shone in your life is pretty much tarnished and rusted out and you no longer feel important to anyone.
And with that, I'll stop. I have an hour to get my work done. It isn't enough. But tomorrow I will reach that pinnacle, Wednesday. I'll bandage the hands and drift down the hill... one hopes, to the weekend when I'll be off four days, work one and be off another four days. For that, I am truly thankful.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Playing Possum... Not Really
Possums are marsupials. Yes, just like kangaroos. No, as far as I know they do not hop. They tend to be nocturnal in nature but I have seen them in the day time. I grew up seeing these critters... alive and dead. They are ugly and nasty dispositioned creatures with very sharp teeth. I've never seen it but they tell me when frightened they will fall over and play dead, thus we get the quaint euphemism "Play possum".
Here's a charming fellow obviously not playing dead.
Imagine coming upon such a creature in your yard, in the dark. Yes. Well, the one I came upon was only a shell of itself as the maggots were turning to flies already. The fur had retained its shape, right down to eye holes because it was in a corner and well sheltered by some blocks. So when I bent down, I just saw something staring.. sort of . And I wasn't expecting him in my garage.
This was one possum who wasn't playing dead.
I know I brought joy to my son by the event and I suspect some of you have been highly entertained by the blog post.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
It's A Plan
The middle of the week has arrived and I'm in a dark place. I've been trying to figure out when life became such a chore.
That was the start to a blog yesterday that I was unable to finish. Today, I'm better, thanks to some praying friends. Life is still a chore but the well hasn't run dry. Of course, those that know me know it will break down just as I need a bucket full.
I took off today at noon and I will take off tomorrow at noon. I have to do some things to get my house in order. I can't even put up decorations because of all the stuff piled in the dinning room. I want the dinning room organized so I can have Christmas dinner with my family. I don't want to be sitting around the living room with paper plates.
Mike and I spent the afternoon cleaning out the garage... for about the sixth time in four years. I feel better when I do that. Yes, I know its weird. It looks a lot better. Not that it is sorted out, it will be easier for David, as well since his work gear will be in one spot. I need to get my garage door lock repaired. It works but it has a pin missing that makes it hard to lock.
I also have a couple of other chores to do and I think getting them done will make me feel better. However, the efforts in the garage, that took about three hours, is now beginning to be felt. I'm aching in my neck and shoulders and back. I'm going for a hot shower now and then some supper. I will work half a day tomorrow also and I am hoping to get my dining table after lunch and get everything decorated this weekend.
Oh... must tell this. We had to wear mask to clean the garage. There were mouse droppings everywhere. They had been in the bird seed that I forgot we had and I'm guessing they're well fed. Well, for days we have been smelling something in the garage. Dave said something was dead. I told him it was the mower. He will often leave the grass bag on the mower full and when the grass rots it stinks terribly. I've emptied it more than once and nearly fainted from the rotten grass smell. Anyway, I was cleaning out the corner where we have a lot of left over lumber from the remodel and I was sweeping out a pile of leaves... I thought. But they wouldn't come out. I leaned over.... and screamed and ran.
A opossum was staring at me. He didn't come out and I realized that the source of our smell was a dead animal! I knew that something was getting in the garage through an opening where we had removed a door and covered over it. We had it blocked with a piece of lumber but not enough to stop wildlife. I had caught a stray cat sleeping on top of the grass bag of the mower and told Mike to put up another board outside until I can block up that hole. He did... weeks ago. Mr. O'Possum paid the price for B&E.
Mike said he wished he'd had a video camera. Mean old boy.
So the garage is sorted and cleaner. Needs a good hosing down but we'll think about that this summer.
That was the start to a blog yesterday that I was unable to finish. Today, I'm better, thanks to some praying friends. Life is still a chore but the well hasn't run dry. Of course, those that know me know it will break down just as I need a bucket full.
I took off today at noon and I will take off tomorrow at noon. I have to do some things to get my house in order. I can't even put up decorations because of all the stuff piled in the dinning room. I want the dinning room organized so I can have Christmas dinner with my family. I don't want to be sitting around the living room with paper plates.
Mike and I spent the afternoon cleaning out the garage... for about the sixth time in four years. I feel better when I do that. Yes, I know its weird. It looks a lot better. Not that it is sorted out, it will be easier for David, as well since his work gear will be in one spot. I need to get my garage door lock repaired. It works but it has a pin missing that makes it hard to lock.
I also have a couple of other chores to do and I think getting them done will make me feel better. However, the efforts in the garage, that took about three hours, is now beginning to be felt. I'm aching in my neck and shoulders and back. I'm going for a hot shower now and then some supper. I will work half a day tomorrow also and I am hoping to get my dining table after lunch and get everything decorated this weekend.
Oh... must tell this. We had to wear mask to clean the garage. There were mouse droppings everywhere. They had been in the bird seed that I forgot we had and I'm guessing they're well fed. Well, for days we have been smelling something in the garage. Dave said something was dead. I told him it was the mower. He will often leave the grass bag on the mower full and when the grass rots it stinks terribly. I've emptied it more than once and nearly fainted from the rotten grass smell. Anyway, I was cleaning out the corner where we have a lot of left over lumber from the remodel and I was sweeping out a pile of leaves... I thought. But they wouldn't come out. I leaned over.... and screamed and ran.
A opossum was staring at me. He didn't come out and I realized that the source of our smell was a dead animal! I knew that something was getting in the garage through an opening where we had removed a door and covered over it. We had it blocked with a piece of lumber but not enough to stop wildlife. I had caught a stray cat sleeping on top of the grass bag of the mower and told Mike to put up another board outside until I can block up that hole. He did... weeks ago. Mr. O'Possum paid the price for B&E.
Mike said he wished he'd had a video camera. Mean old boy.
So the garage is sorted and cleaner. Needs a good hosing down but we'll think about that this summer.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
At the Top of the Hill
Sunday is generally accepted to be the first day of the week. Really, look at the calender. I'm good with that. It is a good way to start the week. For me it is church and time to do absolutely nothing. That's what I've done today. I've lain around all afternoon with my hair piled high.
Sarah has been here since Friday. When she's in the house it is fairly chaotic because she must, at all times, be the center of attention. This is one of the hazards of being an only child. Still, she's a relatively sweet child. Anyway, after church she announced she was going to my sister, Phyllis' house. So, we vassals have had a little break from the Princess.
I start my week very much behind in the work. The last two weeks have simply made it impossible to stay ahead or even keep up. There are some things I have to get done and I am hoping that there will be fewer stresses this week.
However, one kind of figures that if Sunday is the top of the hill, the rest of the week is all down hill. That's not an auspicious start.
Sarah has been here since Friday. When she's in the house it is fairly chaotic because she must, at all times, be the center of attention. This is one of the hazards of being an only child. Still, she's a relatively sweet child. Anyway, after church she announced she was going to my sister, Phyllis' house. So, we vassals have had a little break from the Princess.
I start my week very much behind in the work. The last two weeks have simply made it impossible to stay ahead or even keep up. There are some things I have to get done and I am hoping that there will be fewer stresses this week.
However, one kind of figures that if Sunday is the top of the hill, the rest of the week is all down hill. That's not an auspicious start.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Waiting for the Warming
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| My Dream Room |
I'm waiting on a repairman to arrive to give me an estimate to have the gas log I bought connected in my den. They were supposed to contact me at 7:30 a.m. to tell me when they'd arrive. It is 7:51 a.m. and I've not heard a word. I thought they'd be done before eight and I could go to work without missing much. Probably not going to happen and I'm annoyed. I've been trying for two weeks to get someone to give me a repair estimate!
Most of you know that the last couple of weeks have been very stressful and I wish I could say I've been stoic through all of it. My pain escalated to fairly awful proportions and by the time I got that under control other stresses had multiplied and I was in a pretty bad way.
I started Monday... well, you can read the blog. I did make an attempt, really. I've managed to get through most of this week without a total meltdown or going off the deep end. You pick the analogy and it'll probably be just as good as mine. Anyway, Tuesday I plodded along finding some revelatory thoughts along the way. And I kept trying to keep my eyes on something besides the problems. Admittedly, I found few things that weren't a problem but I was able to find small blessings that usually go unnoticed and unlauded.
So, my goal is to continue looking at the seemingly mundane and small things I often overlook. Today I'm nearly done with the week and for this I am so thankful. My pain levels have fallen considerably. Maybe leaving off the medicine for a month reset my system. Maybe I was in a flare. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't care. I'm thankful pain is at a two today.
Sarah spent the night last night and Dave took her to school this morning. She would not go to bed so we were all a bit tired. Becca has some kind of bug and so she thought it would be better if David kept her. I always feel better when Sarah is in the house and I'm always so thankful when that happens.
I'm thankful I have a job and can pay the bills. I don't know what I'd do otherwise. I'm thankful for a bunch of online friends who stop by or email me when life is hard and give me sympathy, virtual hugs and encouragement. The sympathy lets me know they understand, but the hugs and encouragement serve to remind me that I should keep going and look up. It isn't easy.
I'm thankful see my son smiling and laughing and acting like himself. How is it that we can't see other people's unhappiness when it is staring us in the face? I'm not thankful his wife divorced him. I am not thankful others are wounded. I know the pain of permanent loss. I'm thankful that both of them are still here. When people divorce they often say things like, "I'm sorry we ever met." I'm not sorry. Had they not met I would not have two very important people in my life, particularly at at time when my life was as dark as a tomb. I'm very thankful these two people met and gave me Sarah. And I'll be always sorry that they could not make it work.
It is now half past 8 and still no call. I think I'm going to go to work and call another company. It is so annoying but the den is an icebox in winter and I have some things I want to do in there. Once the heater is connected it will only take minutes to warm up. At the moment... I have to wait.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Best Laid Plans
I did really try to make Monday a positive day. I started out thinking it would be better and I actually felt better until later this afternoon.
I'm generally a caring person and I tend to want to help people. I'm a sap for a good sob story and I usually take people at face value. That has never done me a single moment of good. I am the one who ends up with a metaphorical black eye while the other fella walks away with a smirk on their face because I was a schmuck.
I think I've finally learned a lesson that I believe God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or care about them, if they don't want to be loved or cared about, nothing you can do will help them and it will never be enough in their eyes or it will never be what they want. The best you can do is throw in the towel and turn them over to whatever fate awaits them. These are the truly hopeless.
Every journey we take has a purpose and a point. Some of us recognize it right away while others take a bit longer. I do not believe in randomness or chance meetings. There is an ultimate destination and every person you encounter along the way means something to your journey. Perhaps the person will only have a slight impact on you but it matters. That person you bumped into as you left the store may have delayed you just seconds but that delay was important for some reason, for you or them. That person had some impact for some purpose you don't see. The detour you had to take prevented a delay that could have cost you or someone else something serious or took you on a route where you avoided a disaster.
My own experiences have proven this to me repeatedly. I know that in my case, there have been people placed in my path that were profoundly important that they be there. Many times I actually examine how every person I know has affected my life. It always surprises me. Some people I've run into, not because I was supposed to meet them, but because they were supposed to meet me. There is a subtle but profound difference in the two situations. I've had a couple of times in my life with I clearly knew I had been put in someone's path to be there for them, not for myself, but for them.
I believe God positions people in opportune places and times. That, just as he steers the stars, so too he steers our lives as much as we will let him. And he will go to great lengths to bring out the good in our life that he intended. But there are those, who no matter how much good comes their way, no matter how many good people reach out, no matter how many open doors they happen on, no matter how many sunny paths are laid at their feet... they will always choose something else. They will always take the path that looks easiest but which deprives them of something of value. And when failure comes, they will always place the blame on others.
I do not understand it but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept it. I do not accept defeat easily. Those who know me know I do not give up on people I think are of value, in whom I see some potential good. But I'm there. I finally am at a place where I realize some people, by their own will, are not worth the effort it takes to help them.
There is an old saying, "God helps them who help themselves." As my Mama used to say, it isn't in the Bible but it ought to be.
I'm generally a caring person and I tend to want to help people. I'm a sap for a good sob story and I usually take people at face value. That has never done me a single moment of good. I am the one who ends up with a metaphorical black eye while the other fella walks away with a smirk on their face because I was a schmuck.
I think I've finally learned a lesson that I believe God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or care about them, if they don't want to be loved or cared about, nothing you can do will help them and it will never be enough in their eyes or it will never be what they want. The best you can do is throw in the towel and turn them over to whatever fate awaits them. These are the truly hopeless.
Every journey we take has a purpose and a point. Some of us recognize it right away while others take a bit longer. I do not believe in randomness or chance meetings. There is an ultimate destination and every person you encounter along the way means something to your journey. Perhaps the person will only have a slight impact on you but it matters. That person you bumped into as you left the store may have delayed you just seconds but that delay was important for some reason, for you or them. That person had some impact for some purpose you don't see. The detour you had to take prevented a delay that could have cost you or someone else something serious or took you on a route where you avoided a disaster.
My own experiences have proven this to me repeatedly. I know that in my case, there have been people placed in my path that were profoundly important that they be there. Many times I actually examine how every person I know has affected my life. It always surprises me. Some people I've run into, not because I was supposed to meet them, but because they were supposed to meet me. There is a subtle but profound difference in the two situations. I've had a couple of times in my life with I clearly knew I had been put in someone's path to be there for them, not for myself, but for them.
I believe God positions people in opportune places and times. That, just as he steers the stars, so too he steers our lives as much as we will let him. And he will go to great lengths to bring out the good in our life that he intended. But there are those, who no matter how much good comes their way, no matter how many good people reach out, no matter how many open doors they happen on, no matter how many sunny paths are laid at their feet... they will always choose something else. They will always take the path that looks easiest but which deprives them of something of value. And when failure comes, they will always place the blame on others.
I do not understand it but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept it. I do not accept defeat easily. Those who know me know I do not give up on people I think are of value, in whom I see some potential good. But I'm there. I finally am at a place where I realize some people, by their own will, are not worth the effort it takes to help them.
There is an old saying, "God helps them who help themselves." As my Mama used to say, it isn't in the Bible but it ought to be.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Do Over
As you know, I hate Mondays. They are the worst day of the week. Today I'm taking a slightly new tack. I get the chance to start over and try again. My weekend was fairly insane, as weekends go, and I was so miserable with pain yesterday that it felt as if I didn't have any time off at all. So, today I start a new work week in a new month and we'll see how it goes.
My pain level today is tolerable. Meaning, I have some mobility issues but if I sit very still I don't notice what hurts. I hate having to evaluate my pain levels.
"What level would you say your pain is today, Miss M?"
"Oh, well, maybe a 5?"
I don't know what level it is! I don't know how high it can go but sometimes a 10 just doesn't seem like a accurate value. Sunday a 10 would have been lovely. Today, I'm giving it a 5 and hoping that the trend is declining.
It is currently 61 degrees and I heard it was supposed to get up to 71. Actually, I read it on the Weather.com site. Um... this is December. Wait.... I'll take it. Heat helps and 71 sounds pretty good. Only, the sweater I have on might not be the best choice for today.
I'm off to the mines, now. Maybe I can have a better week this week.
My pain level today is tolerable. Meaning, I have some mobility issues but if I sit very still I don't notice what hurts. I hate having to evaluate my pain levels.
"What level would you say your pain is today, Miss M?"
"Oh, well, maybe a 5?"
I don't know what level it is! I don't know how high it can go but sometimes a 10 just doesn't seem like a accurate value. Sunday a 10 would have been lovely. Today, I'm giving it a 5 and hoping that the trend is declining.
It is currently 61 degrees and I heard it was supposed to get up to 71. Actually, I read it on the Weather.com site. Um... this is December. Wait.... I'll take it. Heat helps and 71 sounds pretty good. Only, the sweater I have on might not be the best choice for today.
I'm off to the mines, now. Maybe I can have a better week this week.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Upheavels
Sunday afternoon. I usually have a quiet afternoon with no company but David moved in this weekend. The divorce was final this past week and he had to move out. I spent Saturday afternoon and evening moving furniture around, switching the study to the smaller room so he'd have a bigger room. The desk is huge and takes two people to disassemble, move, and reassemble. Then I had to reconnect all the electronics: computer, printers, modem, router, phone. I had problems with the internet on the desktop but the laptop worked fine so I don't know what caused it. It took a few hours for it to correct itself. Needless to say, today I'm in a very bad state. I think the weather may be partly responsible. It rained sometime during the night.
It was after midnight before I went to bed. This was because Sarah wanted to go "home". Sarah is with us this weekend as it is his weekend. She goes home tonight. It was difficult because she simply refused to go to bed. Normally, it isn't a problem but she no longer has her own room so it made it hard for her to know what to do. I'm going to have to do some additional shifting. I'm thinking the study will go back to the den/dining room. It was there, once, long ago before both the boys were grown. I liked it then. I'd like it again but I also want to be able to sew back there. At the moment, it looks like a Goodwill collection point. Of course he says he'll be getting his own place in a few months. I don't know. This job is a temp job and he as no idea what he'll do next.
So, this Sunday afternoon has been loud with cartoons, drums, and Sarah running all over asking questions, cooking a birthday lunch for Spot, and just being Sarah. I'm exhausted and in desperate need of a lie down.
David seems more his old self. I didn't really know why David became distant and cool to everyone. I'm still not really clear on what happened. Family members often commented on this fact but I didn't really see it. I do now. It is confusing. I'm not happy with the divorce. I'm glad he's more like my David but to me, divorce is a failure and not something to gloat about. I care very much about my daughter-in-law and I see a little girl who wants to go home to her "family" and can't. Ever. I see two people who got along well, who liked doing the same kind of things. I see a family forever changed. I see the ripples of a stone dropped in the lake.
Oh, I suppose many will say I am over reacting or I'm being overly dramatic about it. You go on. I'm a child of divorce. I never knew my father after the age of five and I have no memories save that of his leaving. I remember that day in high definition. It is always with me, just beneath the surface of other memories. I'm probably the only person left alive who remembers that day. Of course, David isn't going anywhere. Her mother isn't going anywhere. Her parents didn't marry just to insure legitimacy. They loved each other and they adore their child. Children don't know or care about these things. They only know who they love. But the effects of divorce are always there.
It was after midnight before I went to bed. This was because Sarah wanted to go "home". Sarah is with us this weekend as it is his weekend. She goes home tonight. It was difficult because she simply refused to go to bed. Normally, it isn't a problem but she no longer has her own room so it made it hard for her to know what to do. I'm going to have to do some additional shifting. I'm thinking the study will go back to the den/dining room. It was there, once, long ago before both the boys were grown. I liked it then. I'd like it again but I also want to be able to sew back there. At the moment, it looks like a Goodwill collection point. Of course he says he'll be getting his own place in a few months. I don't know. This job is a temp job and he as no idea what he'll do next.
So, this Sunday afternoon has been loud with cartoons, drums, and Sarah running all over asking questions, cooking a birthday lunch for Spot, and just being Sarah. I'm exhausted and in desperate need of a lie down.
David seems more his old self. I didn't really know why David became distant and cool to everyone. I'm still not really clear on what happened. Family members often commented on this fact but I didn't really see it. I do now. It is confusing. I'm not happy with the divorce. I'm glad he's more like my David but to me, divorce is a failure and not something to gloat about. I care very much about my daughter-in-law and I see a little girl who wants to go home to her "family" and can't. Ever. I see two people who got along well, who liked doing the same kind of things. I see a family forever changed. I see the ripples of a stone dropped in the lake.
Oh, I suppose many will say I am over reacting or I'm being overly dramatic about it. You go on. I'm a child of divorce. I never knew my father after the age of five and I have no memories save that of his leaving. I remember that day in high definition. It is always with me, just beneath the surface of other memories. I'm probably the only person left alive who remembers that day. Of course, David isn't going anywhere. Her mother isn't going anywhere. Her parents didn't marry just to insure legitimacy. They loved each other and they adore their child. Children don't know or care about these things. They only know who they love. But the effects of divorce are always there.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Things that Blind You
It is often easy to focus on the negative in any situation. At least, it seems pretty easy to me! I seem to always have bad stuff to say.
Today on the way home from the eye doctor, I was so annoyed with my oldest son, Mike. I took him with me because they were going to dilate my eyes and my last experience was less than joyful. I was nearly blind outside. He waited in the car. I was there two hours! I only saw the doctor 30 minutes of that. I was astounded as how long I had to wait. And let me tell you, the little Missy tech assistant who ran a couple of test before I saw the doctor needs to develop a personality! That woman was so rude. She rolled her eyes at me two or three times and huffed and puffed.
Once I was done, I was waiting to be checked out. I called Mike on his cell. I could see the car in the parking lot. I told him I didn't know how much longer I'd be but that I hoped it wouldn't be long because I was waiting to be checked out. Twenty minutes later, I came out, ready to go and he was gone!
I was standing in the parking lot with no coat and NO SUNGLASSES. It has been a bright sunny day and now was late afternoon. I called and he was at home! His place is just around the corner from this office. I flipped my lid. He was supposed to drive me home. I was so annoyed when he got there but then he was nasty because I was angry about being left. I told him to get out and I would drive myself. That made him madder and he was ranting at me. He made it sound as it were my fault. I finally had to tell him if he yelled at me one more time he could walk home. He's lazy and that never goes over well. Oh, he was just so ugly! I took him home and he wanted to slam my car door! Wait till he needs to borrow that car again.
For those who do not know a thing about Mike, this is not unusual behavior but it is not common. My guess is he's sleep deprived again. However, I do not tolerate it because that is is his choice but I don't have to be treated that way. He forgot who pays the rent I suspect. And tomorrow, when he's thinking about that lunch date we had... he'll remember.
So, I drove him home with the cheap sunglasses I have in the car from the last time. Since it was much later in the day this time I was all right, although it still wasn't any fun. I started thinking how focused I was on Mike's nastiness. There is always something negative to blind you. It gets old.
On the way home I was pondering this. So, I turned my thoughts to the exam. The doctor said my eyes show no sigh of Plaquanil toxicity and I don't have to be seen for another 5 years. I just have to see my regular doctor every 6 months.
So, I said, "Thank you, God, for a good report."
Today on the way home from the eye doctor, I was so annoyed with my oldest son, Mike. I took him with me because they were going to dilate my eyes and my last experience was less than joyful. I was nearly blind outside. He waited in the car. I was there two hours! I only saw the doctor 30 minutes of that. I was astounded as how long I had to wait. And let me tell you, the little Missy tech assistant who ran a couple of test before I saw the doctor needs to develop a personality! That woman was so rude. She rolled her eyes at me two or three times and huffed and puffed.
Once I was done, I was waiting to be checked out. I called Mike on his cell. I could see the car in the parking lot. I told him I didn't know how much longer I'd be but that I hoped it wouldn't be long because I was waiting to be checked out. Twenty minutes later, I came out, ready to go and he was gone!
I was standing in the parking lot with no coat and NO SUNGLASSES. It has been a bright sunny day and now was late afternoon. I called and he was at home! His place is just around the corner from this office. I flipped my lid. He was supposed to drive me home. I was so annoyed when he got there but then he was nasty because I was angry about being left. I told him to get out and I would drive myself. That made him madder and he was ranting at me. He made it sound as it were my fault. I finally had to tell him if he yelled at me one more time he could walk home. He's lazy and that never goes over well. Oh, he was just so ugly! I took him home and he wanted to slam my car door! Wait till he needs to borrow that car again.
For those who do not know a thing about Mike, this is not unusual behavior but it is not common. My guess is he's sleep deprived again. However, I do not tolerate it because that is is his choice but I don't have to be treated that way. He forgot who pays the rent I suspect. And tomorrow, when he's thinking about that lunch date we had... he'll remember.
So, I drove him home with the cheap sunglasses I have in the car from the last time. Since it was much later in the day this time I was all right, although it still wasn't any fun. I started thinking how focused I was on Mike's nastiness. There is always something negative to blind you. It gets old.
On the way home I was pondering this. So, I turned my thoughts to the exam. The doctor said my eyes show no sigh of Plaquanil toxicity and I don't have to be seen for another 5 years. I just have to see my regular doctor every 6 months.
So, I said, "Thank you, God, for a good report."
Eyes Wide Open
I have an appointment today with an eye doctor. Yes, I had an eye exam a few weeks ago. My annual check up... did I blog about it? Can't remember. Anyway, they dilated my eyes then as they usually do.
They are sending me to a specialist to be checked for Placquanil toxicity. Precautionary at this point. This is the RA medicine I take and it can cause blindness with prolonged use. I've been on it for about 5 or 6 years. So, if they find I have it, I have to stop taking it immediately.
Guess what? Today this new doctor will also dilate my eyes! My last experience was horrible so today, I'll take Mike with me and he will drive me home. I was virtually blind last time for hours. I had to drive in bright sunlight without adequate sunglasses. I stopped and bought some but they were not enough. My eyes were so dilated that there was no visible color, just two huge black pools. Freaky.
I shall let you know what happens.
They are sending me to a specialist to be checked for Placquanil toxicity. Precautionary at this point. This is the RA medicine I take and it can cause blindness with prolonged use. I've been on it for about 5 or 6 years. So, if they find I have it, I have to stop taking it immediately.
Guess what? Today this new doctor will also dilate my eyes! My last experience was horrible so today, I'll take Mike with me and he will drive me home. I was virtually blind last time for hours. I had to drive in bright sunlight without adequate sunglasses. I stopped and bought some but they were not enough. My eyes were so dilated that there was no visible color, just two huge black pools. Freaky.
I shall let you know what happens.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
In the Still of the Night
I was headed to bed and decided to stop in for a quick post. I've had a long day and I'm tired but I still don't feel well and I don't know if I can sleep.
I saw my doctor today. Actually, my pain levels were a bit better but I went in anyway. She wants me to try Cymbalta for the pain. I'm leery of this as I never know what a medicine will do to me. There are only two medicines I can take for RA. One is Plaquenil which I currently take, and the other is Methotrexate a common RA/cancer drug. She wants to consider starting me on that but she's holding off because you have to run so many test when you take that one.
I'm allergic to sulfa and apparently, ALL RA medicines contain sulfa. What's that about? I'm surely not the only person allergic to sulfa. So, if those two medicines do not work for me what then?
Cymbalta has numerous side effects. My friend took it for 5 weeks and had to stop because she started bleeding from "everywhere" she said. It apparently is also a blood thinner. Wonderful.
I saw on the flyer about it that migraine medicines can't be taken with it. Ah, that's really nice as I have severe migraines and take a med for it when I have one.
So, while the doctor offered some ideas, there appears to be nothing they can do for me in reality.
I have to finish reading the flyer and check with the pharmacy to see if there is anything else I take that would conflict with Cymbalta. Do not assume your doctor knows this stuff. They do not always know. I've had more than one give me a med that can't be taken with another med I was on. I always ask the guys handling the meds. That's what they're trained for.
G'nite. At least it is Thursday tomorrow. Two more days to get through.
I saw my doctor today. Actually, my pain levels were a bit better but I went in anyway. She wants me to try Cymbalta for the pain. I'm leery of this as I never know what a medicine will do to me. There are only two medicines I can take for RA. One is Plaquenil which I currently take, and the other is Methotrexate a common RA/cancer drug. She wants to consider starting me on that but she's holding off because you have to run so many test when you take that one.
I'm allergic to sulfa and apparently, ALL RA medicines contain sulfa. What's that about? I'm surely not the only person allergic to sulfa. So, if those two medicines do not work for me what then?
Cymbalta has numerous side effects. My friend took it for 5 weeks and had to stop because she started bleeding from "everywhere" she said. It apparently is also a blood thinner. Wonderful.
I saw on the flyer about it that migraine medicines can't be taken with it. Ah, that's really nice as I have severe migraines and take a med for it when I have one.
So, while the doctor offered some ideas, there appears to be nothing they can do for me in reality.
I have to finish reading the flyer and check with the pharmacy to see if there is anything else I take that would conflict with Cymbalta. Do not assume your doctor knows this stuff. They do not always know. I've had more than one give me a med that can't be taken with another med I was on. I always ask the guys handling the meds. That's what they're trained for.
G'nite. At least it is Thursday tomorrow. Two more days to get through.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Wrecked Week
I've had a horrible couple of days. My pain has skyrocketed to the point that I thought I was going to be sick last night and have to go to the ER. I never remember hurting this bad before. I've sent a message to my doctor's office asking if there was anything they could do but I haven't heard a word yet. I may not until tomorrow.
I'm so far behind in my word count for NaNo that it is impossible for me to ever catch up at this point. Even if I felt all right I don't think I could do it. I am working all week and by evening, I'm fairly wiped out. I had a write in last night and got a lot done but the cost was high. I was very sick when I go home. I have another tonight but if things don't improve, I doubt I can do it. There is a final one on Friday evening unless everyone is finished.
Am I disappointed? I don't know. I don't think so. Things have been so bad lately that it is hard to feel bad about not winning. It would be nice to do it but I'm beyond caring now.
I haven't been blogging as much but I've been when I've been able, I've been working on NaNo. Blogging just hasn't been on my agenda. In fact, I wrote a post last week just before the holiday and forgot to send it. I did that today so there will be two post for today but actually there is only one. I told you things were crazy.
I'm going to work till noon today but I may go home and not come back the rest of the day.
I'm so far behind in my word count for NaNo that it is impossible for me to ever catch up at this point. Even if I felt all right I don't think I could do it. I am working all week and by evening, I'm fairly wiped out. I had a write in last night and got a lot done but the cost was high. I was very sick when I go home. I have another tonight but if things don't improve, I doubt I can do it. There is a final one on Friday evening unless everyone is finished.
Am I disappointed? I don't know. I don't think so. Things have been so bad lately that it is hard to feel bad about not winning. It would be nice to do it but I'm beyond caring now.
I haven't been blogging as much but I've been when I've been able, I've been working on NaNo. Blogging just hasn't been on my agenda. In fact, I wrote a post last week just before the holiday and forgot to send it. I did that today so there will be two post for today but actually there is only one. I told you things were crazy.
I'm going to work till noon today but I may go home and not come back the rest of the day.
Sleep on the Ledge
This has got to be one of the most hectic months that I can remember. And I have been more tired than I ever remember. I'm so tired all the time I can barely move and yet I have to move. I have to be at work by 8, get off at five and on nights I have a write-in I'm out the door by 6 and home again around 9. I've slept late every day for the last several weeks. Fortunately, I've managed to get up and dressed and out the door in time to get to work, usually five minutes late. I don't know what's up with that. It could be the stress level is too high I suppose and my body and mind simply are not able to keep up.
NaNo is nearly over and honestly, it probably is over for me already. I don't see making even 20,000 at this rate. I just have no story and I'm so tired at night that I'm not really able to think enough to write.
I know I say I'm tired a lot. It probably sounds nutty. But honestly, there is no describing this tired. You never feel rested. Always I feel as if I need to go to bed. It has been a long time since I actually woke up without having an alarm clock wake me up. I'm using two alarms now. Even when I've slept I'm only able to go about 4 hours before I feel like I need sleep.
One more day this week and I will have 4 days off. I'll do some writing but I am going to try and get all the sleep I can and see if it helps. I will be spending lunch with the boys and my sister and Sarah on Thursday but after that, I'll spend the weekend alone.Each year I have hoped that some of the pleasure I always got at this time of year would return. This year I think I realized that it isn't going to happen. I do not feel there is a point to it. All the traditions I kept alive have disappeared and the effort to do traditional things for my own entertainment is simply not worth the disappointment.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving & Ten Feet
Thanksgiving Day 2012 started for me at 8:30 a.m. I more or less crawled out of bed. Well, I was upright but I was able to shuffle, in tiny small sliding steps to the bathroom and then to the kitchen. That is what passes for walking for me for about an hour a day. Gradually, I will be able to pick up my feet and actually move my legs forward from my hips, hopefully without pain. Normal graceful steps don't arrive until around 10 a.m. every morning. I might or might not be able to put on shoes with a heel. That depends on if my feet don't feel broken.
Today is sunny and the Weather.Com icon says it is 42 degrees out there. I am supposed to have lunch with my fractured family around 11:30 today at a restaurant. Traditions are gone. There is no family get-together for us anymore. We don't watch parades, play games or sit around laughing at each others antics. We haven't for a long time. I no longer cook lots of food and goodies. We will eat and return to our respective abodes. Becca and Sarah will go to her family for the rest of today and tonight.
The year 2009, the year Jerry died, was a horrible year and every year since it has only gotten mildly more tolerable. I know everyone thinks, "Good grief, woman, its four years. Get over it already." It is easy for you to say. Unfortunately, the very nature of death is unremitting separation. You can never get back what you lost. For the ignorant and shallow I remind you to remember what it felt like to lose your favorite cell phone and you had no way to replace it for a week? Well, multiply that by a million years and you might come close to feeling what normal people feel when they lose actual people they love. If that is a stretch, you're a sad mess. I digressed there but I know someone will read this that just won't get it.
I've come to hate holidays in a way I never dreamed possible. I am forced to remember years of family reunions where a hundred people surrounded me in this great big bubble and we laughed, talked and ate and laughed and talked and ate. We all went home and felt connected and we could deal with the next year because we'd do this again. And then they all died and it stopped.
So, I gathered my small family around me and the bubble shrank but we still got together. Sometimes we went to my siblings and we had a bigger bubble and everyone laughed, talked, and ate and felt connected. And then they all splintered off and moved away. I moved actually. So I gathered my small family and we had our own special holiday with each other. We laughed, watched the parades, I cooked and we ate. We played games while Jerry slept in front of the ball games. And then he died and the world shrank even smaller and I realized I couldn't get through the next year.
We've tried to maintain a holiday tradition. The year before he died we began to go out so I would not spend days preparing and cleaning up. I could have a day off. We continued after Jerry died. My sister misses the old way and every year wants to go back. She even volunteered this year to cook. I realized that I didn't really care anymore.
This year, my son and his wife have divorced. Three people I love dearly are now splintered and drifting away. I look at Sarah and I realize she will never know those hundred people family reunions. She won't know the smaller ones where my siblings and our families get together and enjoy being a weekend of laughter and good food. She won't even have a small family joining hands to give thanks for a year of good things. Maybe years from now she will have a family and she can read some of my stories about what it was and maybe she can recapture it. I hope so because there is a lot of joy back there. There was much to be thankful for and to celebrate.
Why such a depressing blog? Because I want you to think about what you have surrounding you. I want you to look around that table and think. Turn off the cell phone and think about the faces you see surrounding you. Really look at them. Talk to them. Laugh at unfunny jokes today. Tomorrow it won't matter.
I realized what was important seconds too late. Thanksgiving weekend 2009 was my epiphany. Every year, I remind myself and I re-post that moment for any who may pass this way.
".....I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.
I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."
If you do nothing else today, look around and whisper prayers of thanksgiving for all that you have surrounding you. Give sincere and prolific thanks for the blessings of people who love you. Tell them you love them. Thank them for giving you their time, love, and countless hours of frustration, laughter, and joy...to you. Tomorrow, you can go back to your cell phones and endless shopping for a bargain. Today is the best bargain you'll ever have and once it is gone, you can't get it back.
Today is sunny and the Weather.Com icon says it is 42 degrees out there. I am supposed to have lunch with my fractured family around 11:30 today at a restaurant. Traditions are gone. There is no family get-together for us anymore. We don't watch parades, play games or sit around laughing at each others antics. We haven't for a long time. I no longer cook lots of food and goodies. We will eat and return to our respective abodes. Becca and Sarah will go to her family for the rest of today and tonight.
The year 2009, the year Jerry died, was a horrible year and every year since it has only gotten mildly more tolerable. I know everyone thinks, "Good grief, woman, its four years. Get over it already." It is easy for you to say. Unfortunately, the very nature of death is unremitting separation. You can never get back what you lost. For the ignorant and shallow I remind you to remember what it felt like to lose your favorite cell phone and you had no way to replace it for a week? Well, multiply that by a million years and you might come close to feeling what normal people feel when they lose actual people they love. If that is a stretch, you're a sad mess. I digressed there but I know someone will read this that just won't get it.
I've come to hate holidays in a way I never dreamed possible. I am forced to remember years of family reunions where a hundred people surrounded me in this great big bubble and we laughed, talked and ate and laughed and talked and ate. We all went home and felt connected and we could deal with the next year because we'd do this again. And then they all died and it stopped.
So, I gathered my small family around me and the bubble shrank but we still got together. Sometimes we went to my siblings and we had a bigger bubble and everyone laughed, talked, and ate and felt connected. And then they all splintered off and moved away. I moved actually. So I gathered my small family and we had our own special holiday with each other. We laughed, watched the parades, I cooked and we ate. We played games while Jerry slept in front of the ball games. And then he died and the world shrank even smaller and I realized I couldn't get through the next year.
We've tried to maintain a holiday tradition. The year before he died we began to go out so I would not spend days preparing and cleaning up. I could have a day off. We continued after Jerry died. My sister misses the old way and every year wants to go back. She even volunteered this year to cook. I realized that I didn't really care anymore.
This year, my son and his wife have divorced. Three people I love dearly are now splintered and drifting away. I look at Sarah and I realize she will never know those hundred people family reunions. She won't know the smaller ones where my siblings and our families get together and enjoy being a weekend of laughter and good food. She won't even have a small family joining hands to give thanks for a year of good things. Maybe years from now she will have a family and she can read some of my stories about what it was and maybe she can recapture it. I hope so because there is a lot of joy back there. There was much to be thankful for and to celebrate.
Why such a depressing blog? Because I want you to think about what you have surrounding you. I want you to look around that table and think. Turn off the cell phone and think about the faces you see surrounding you. Really look at them. Talk to them. Laugh at unfunny jokes today. Tomorrow it won't matter.
I realized what was important seconds too late. Thanksgiving weekend 2009 was my epiphany. Every year, I remind myself and I re-post that moment for any who may pass this way.
".....I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.
I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."
If you do nothing else today, look around and whisper prayers of thanksgiving for all that you have surrounding you. Give sincere and prolific thanks for the blessings of people who love you. Tell them you love them. Thank them for giving you their time, love, and countless hours of frustration, laughter, and joy...to you. Tomorrow, you can go back to your cell phones and endless shopping for a bargain. Today is the best bargain you'll ever have and once it is gone, you can't get it back.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Prayers of Thanksgiving
Lots of my Christian friends have been doing the 30 days of thanks this month. I didn't elect to do it because I made another commitment and have limited my posts and time spent here.
In my personal life I try to pray a prayer of thanksgiving everyday. On bad days I may pray a prayer of thanksgiving several times a day. I joked once that when I get in a hot shower I spend the first five minutes of it saying Thank you God, for hot water. I may have said it jokingly but it is not a joke. I do it. If you hurt like I do, you pray the hot water never runs out.
So, while I haven't posted a daily "thanks" post every day, I'm thankful for every day and this is how I generally pray on a daily basis.
"O merciful and Holy God,
Thank you another day of life. Thank you for every blessing and every trial. For through both you show us your care.
Forgive us for our sins. Bless our nation with honorable leaders who exhibit integrity and honesty. Bless our people with a desire to seek truth in all our ways and demand integrity of those we have placed in charge of this nation.
Bless those who disagree with my beliefs and forgive those who belittle me for them. Forgive me if I have returned their actions in kind and help me not follow that path. Remind me if I stray and teach me good manners.
Keep me focused on right principles and help me to live what I believe without shame or fear. Give me the courage and strength to stand in the face of challenges to my faith and my character. Help me to always speak truth without shame, regret and without apology.
Let the love of God shine forth in my life. Remove all obstacles that block or dim that light.
May I spread peace wherever I go. Let peace flow out of me to those who walk beside me. Let it follow in my wake to those who stay behind. And let peace flow ahead of me to those I have yet to meet.
And let every word be established in the earth.
Amen"
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