Halfway

For me, it is halfway through the work week. I'm off Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yay. 

I've run completely out of steam. Seems like everything has just collapsed on top of me and I can't seem to dig out. Work is a monster. I'm so far behind and yet I still get calls from the clients of the case manager who got to take a vacation! And they know I'm behind because I've been doing work in another area that is NOT MY JOB! 

I'm so fed up because the person in charge sits on the phone all day and plays on the internet. All questions get referred back to the person who asked them! Because the person responsible for answering them doesn't know the answers. I spent 15 minutes helping a coworker find the answer to a question presented to the one in charge yesterday. That person never could answer the question so he ignored it. Even today when I pointed out the obvious he still could not make a decision on what was to be done. I finally told the case manager what to do and said document you efforts to get supervisor help. Does this sound like a cushie job? I think so. No, there is no one to complain to because I need my job. 

{sigh} Rant done.

I have some ideas for my nano novel but for the last several days I have been unable to write very much. My eyes were bothering me last night. A muscle twitching in my right lower lid. Nearly drove me crazy. It is a bit better today but I suspect it is caused by nearly 12 hrs a day on the computer. I spend 8 at work on the computer. Anyway, I'm using some eye drops to help with the dry eyes and I had some medicine for the sty I remembered and used that last night. Actually helped I think.

I had a late lunch. Took Mike to Cancun, the place where Sarah and I were in that video. He' not been there before and it is such a charming place I thought he'd like it. He did.

Now, back to work.  Hope your day is passing much more pleasantly than mine. 

A Good Night's Sleep and a Morning Ramble

I feel almost normal. I did not make it to church. Mike called me in plenty of time but this is one time I knew if I didn't get the right amount of sleep it was going to get ugly. I'm up now and have just made a loop around the Multiply village checking out my contacts. Thank you to all of you who have stopped by and made comments. Sometimes you comments are the brightest spot in my day and I don't think I say thank you enough.

I keep a close check on the blogs, even it it may not seem like you hear from me. I read them. I always tell people that during the darkest days of my life, the people here were often the only light I saw. So, this thanksgiving, I'll give thanks for the best friends on the planet. Now if you can all catch a plane and come to my house for Thanksgiving, we'll have a great time! LOL, I know you can't but it is a lovely picture I can have in my head on Thursday.

That headache sat right there, just waiting to pounce again. I took a pile of stuff last night and went to bed praying I could dig it out. This morning I slept until I woke up. I still felt sleepy but a few minutes on my feet and a cup of coffee and I'm fine. No headache, very little pain (most high praise to God!) and a bit of a smile.

I really think I hurt my ankle in that fall two weeks ago. Good grief I sound like an OLD woman! I remember climbing around the Alps for goodness sake! Not sheer cliffs, mind you... nearly fell off the mountain (another story if I have not told it) but if you've walked in the Alps in S. Germany you know the path around the castles are not a walk in the park. I've camped in the woods, cooked breakfast on an open fire, and then took a hike! I've climbed trees (admittedly when I was in my teens although there was that one time), and I've climbed a few bluffs to look at waterfalls. Despite all the risk you can face in those environments, I never fell but one little step in an apartment building and splat. Very humiliating! The ankle is "tetchy" as they used to say. It works but it is not happy.

Sunday is gloomy and the temp 61F. I have not been outside but the house isn't very cool so it must be ok. The heat just kicked on and it only does that if it drops below 69F in here. I'm dressed in flannel PJ pants and my comfy black long-sleeved T and pink slippers all tucked up on my sofa. It is a good place to be for the moment. No, I have not started writing for the day. I'm giving the boys (Simon, Striker, and Quinn) time to get up from their fictional beds and start doing SOMETHING!

I sent Chris a copy of my intro piece on Striker. She's not commented on what she felt about Striker when she read it. But she did tell me if was very, very good and felt a bit James Bond. My love for Sean Connery is finally exposed! And Roger Moore. And Pierce Brosnen.vBut Sean will remain in my heart as the first.

Let me clear the confusion since most have not read any of the story. No, Simon is not James Bond. He can shoot but Simon does not do guns. They're messy. And tend to be unpredictable. He says he's a lover not a fighter. That's probably true. But he is trained in martial arts and he will fight as a last resort, usually to save his own skin. He is a very special kind of industrial spy so to speak. He is psychic, can "read" minds to some degree and has a special ability to "get into" peoples dreams as they sleep and obtain and insert information.

When I say "read" and "see" do not get confused with the common psychic. He doesn't sit and look at you and "know" your thoughts. He can pick up on them, he can sense other people in an area, he can see images that you are thinking in some fashion and in some limited way but by no means is this ability like the one depicted on television. He calls the things he gets "data" and they, particularly the "dream retrievals", have to be analysed after the fact to see if anything useful can be pulled from it. He works for an agency called Horus. You know, the Egyptian eye symbol called Wedjat (meaning whole or healthy). That's the agency symbol. These are NOT nice people, by the way.

Some of the information I found was amazing, to me anyway. I didn't know the history of the symbol and current modern definition give is an occult meaning, which it may, in fact, have. I'm not trying to debate it. I just needed something that seemed to fit my fictional agency. The fact that they lean to Egyptian decor helped and explained the direction of their company. So, I did research on that symbol and it is broken down into parts, that represents fractions. Very interesting to read about it being used as a mathematical equation as stated here: The Eye of Horus. The broken parts are also said to represent the five senses. One of those parts actually has to do with "thought" as shown here: The Eye or The Ujdat. So, you can understand when I tell you that when I was researching the eye I got a little freaked because everything seemed to fit with my story.

Now that you're all totally confused and/or bored, we'll move on.

Oh... it isn't just gloomy! It is raining! You know Evansville has got to be the gloomiest place anywhere! Take me home to Dixie! Let me stand on Gulf Shores with the summer sun beating on my skin, my feet in hot sand and an ocean breeze blowing in my face. Let me live in a house where I can hear the sounds of whippoorwills and birds at night and smell the pines that grow for miles and miles!

Oh, welcome to Tori, a new friend. I think she's in Germany.

Several of you mentioned yesterday the word "ramble" in connection to my posts. I suppose they are. I've never defined them as much else. If you start reading it in January 2009 it's a horror story. If you go further back, it something else. Still, it probably is a ramble in it own right. I'm trying to convert anyone, but I'm a Christian and it reflects that at times. It isn't declaring a political stance. I'm a conservative and it reflects that at times. It isn't a road map on how to live your life although I've got pretty strong opinions as to that. It is written thought rolling out and onto the screen as I think it. Sometimes I plan. Sometimes I don't. What you get, is what you see. And this is pretty much the way I live. There are glimpses into my family, who are not perfect but sometimes funny. There are glimpses into my heart of which only half remains. There are rants and sermons. I write this blog for me. If others find something they enjoy, then I've done a good thing.

I've said this before but I will again. I have people who read the "grief" part of this blog ask me why I leave my blog open. My contacts know this because they've lived it with me. I don't encourage people to read it because it is painful and exposes my insides in a very ...well to me, horrible way. The feedback from those who have read it was profoundly positive. I've had suggestions to publish it but I still can't go back and read it. So, I left it open.

The rest of the blog is open because if I close myself off I defeat the purpose of the blog. I have about 30 of the most wonderful people I've ever not met here, well except for Kat and Lisa and Cheryl. We've met! If I had closed it, if I didn't take my rambles... I'd have missed that. That would have been a great misfortune for me.

Final Del Dia

Every moment of my day is not this important. However, it is nearly over and that is probably noteworthy. My headache had clung to me like a bad smell. Not completely there and not gone. Blasted thing!

I've just got home. I left Abbey Road and the Unplugged open mic night. Actually, had it not been for this head, I might have enjoyed that. Not sure. The guy who owns it was surprisingly entertaining and not a bad singer. The kid he had up next was not either but he was young and thought so. I didn't get to hear the "real" acts because I'd been there three hours writing and was ready to find a dark place to crawl into. The crowd was a bit strange... not. . . well, just different. Probably very nice. I don't do crowds well unless I'm teaching. {shrug}

The writing... crawling along with me. I'm three days down in the count. What can I say?

The End of the Day has arrived. Gloria a Dios!

Outing.......

Whatever! I'm sitting in a Panera that is jam packed with people...well, it was when I got here and it is just now thinned. So much for the lunch alone idea. Actually I don't like lunching alone but I've had to make myself do this frequently since Jerry died. Thirty-five years is a lot of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I went from Mama to Jerry and there were precious few solitary meals. And I still do not like it. I wouldn't eat if I had a choice. Why am I not thin? No, svelt? You can't be built like Dolly and be svelt... although she has the teeniest waist and little feet. Where is this going!

Probably these Toffee Nut cookies. That's why I'm not thin. They are to die for and I can't resist them. But I've had my salad and that's healthy. LOL, funny memory... Jerry said he liked a woman he could hold on to. {shakes head} He was a little nuts but in a nice way.

I am sitting skimming the web for interesting things. {sigh} I'm seen most of it. It's just like cable television, pretty much the same thing on every channel. I tend to stick with sites that I actually find content on that teaches me something, entertains in some sensible fashion, or simply soothes my spirit. Lately I'm blogging like a fiend.

Sensible. It's up there near the fashion. I've been sensible a long time. Maybe I should try something else. I'll think about it. ........ That's the sensible thing to do.

I'm avoiding writing. You know this, right?

Anyone know when things are supposed to become fun? I didn't get the memo.

Ok, I think I should probably give up the table and stop getting refills. You know, you can save a lot of money on that $11 meal just by hanging around for a couple of hours and getting refills! LOL, that's sensible, too.

There are two ladies behind me talking about prophecy and precognition, in the religious sense. They were talking about something else earlier but this one lady is a real talker. I'd like to sit a little closer so I could hear more but that'd be really rude. I considered turning around and ask if I can blatantly listen. But that isn't who I am. I have relatives who would do that. I just shamelessly eavesdrop.

All right. This has probably taken enough writing time so that I can now get up and go home. Honestly, I had a raging migraine earlier and had to take an Imetrex. In hindsight, I think that yesterday's melt down may have been a precursor. I felt when I got up that I should just go back to bed. The whole day was off. I was really bad last night and this morning, boom.

I'm out of here. They want their table back. Four p.m. I'm at Abbey Road and if no one shows, I'm probably going to just go home. I feel really tired, normal after a migraine of this magnitude. Think Richter scale. Maybe a 5 or 6. You don't want to know about the 12's. They involve vomiting.

Oh... forgot... Sarah.

Saturday Workout

Now, y'all know I'm not going to be doing anything like that title suggest. I do have plans after November to go back to the gym but November... I am getting plenty of exercise, thank you very much. Sort of dreading December.....

I woke up at 7:30! That wasn't on the agenda for today. I had a terrible time last night. Haven't had a meltdown in .... months. Gee, someone say "It gets better." I'll slap you. No, it doesn't. You adapt, making room for the meltdowns. As a result, I feel a bit crappy today.

Now, what is on the agenda? Sue couldn't come clean yesterday so she is supposed to come today. I have plans to write and right the word count if at all possible. Simon is NOT cooperating. He is a contrary fellow and I love him. Just need him to DO something besides look pretty. He's sooo difficult to write at times.

Next, lunch... alone.

Write In at Abbey Road at 4 p.m. Come Write-In.... all the writers who attend are invited to stay for UNPLUGGED at 6 p.m. That is some kind of open mic night. Musicians come in and show their stuff. So a evening of artist. I can't stay long if I stay at all.

Sarah to be picked up. She informed her mother (have I told this already) that she had not seen me in 3 months! And that she had not been to church in two months. Now folks, this is a gross exaggeration. I have seen her in the last couple of weeks. It is true about church. But my aunt and uncle were here and my sister was here after her surgery. She went home last Friday. At any rate, I will pick her up this evening and she will spend the night. I hope she sleeps because by bedtime I'm going to be a zombie.

Note to self: make sure hair is brushed in an appropriate non zombie style. Hair. It is driving me a bit nuts. Actually, it is very nice to just comb it and go. I'd forgotten. But... I'm very self conscious about it. And it gets a bit well, odd when I bump into people I know and they say, rather loudly, "OH you're hair! It looks beautiful down. You're so pretty!" I'm not vain. I never thought so. It is just so ostentatious when they do it that I sort of cringe, with a smile and say thank you. And later I think about that tag... You're so pretty! What did they think before?

Friday Night On the Town

Hardly. Panera Bread. My write-in starts at 7 p.m.. I am not expecting anyone. That's ok. I'm not really in the mood for company but if they show, I'll be nice and have a good time. I'm always scintillating company, even when I feel like crap... tell me, is crap a nicer word than hell. Cause I was going to say hell and it just seemed like a bad word but I'm rethinking it.

The story has stalled out and I'm now two days behind in word count but oddly enough, I'm not going to kill myself over it. I've wanted to kill myself over worse and didn't, so I think I'm safe. What I really wish is that I had gone down a different route. Toooo late!

I'm a bit put out tonight. It's been a very rough week and I'm so far behind in paperwork that I can't even begin to see the end of the mess. I work three days next week and that should be cause for celebration. But when faced with the daunting mound of files and papers... I almost would rather work than face the holiday season.

I absolutely despise this time of year. There is nothing, nothing, nothing good about it. I have this awful dread of two flipping days! Then four days next month. I hate feeling this Damoclean threat. Oh I know it's just emotion. I'm emotional.. go figure! I sat around most of the day and wanted to cry for no reason. Well, there were a few but it wouldn't have taken much. If I'd moved the same stack of files one more time they would have found me bawling in a corner.

Ok, ok, ok. I've felt wonderful for a month. So what's the deal? I....don't....know. I've changed my hair style. Maybe that's is. I'm trying to accept age gracefully. {wild laughter here} No, I'm going kicking and screaming and fighting it every step of the way. Could be hormones but highly unlikely....unless I forgot.

Really, I'm just very sad. That is the only word that sums it up. I want someone to make me laugh. Really laugh and mean it. Not that fake thing I've gotten good at. I'd like to feel something beside a hollow longing for impossible things.

My God, getting out of a grave is much harder than getting in one.

The Value of Inmates

We're mid-way through the 30 days of insanity that is NaNoWriMo. I'm not doing so well. I think my story is dying and I'd like to put it out of its misery ... but I need another 25,000 words. Or a loaded weapon.

As a result of NaNoWriMo and Thanksgiving, the Asylum had no meetings this month. I'm suffering withdrawal. These are people I rely on to keep me sane and grounded and to slap me around when I need it. They offer me encouragement, affection, and a good talking, too. Some even have lunch with me now and then! So not getting to see them twice a month is difficult. It is also a testament to the value of insane friends. 

If you were to see my writing group together the first thing you'd probably notice is the age range - 18-55. Well, there are only six of us. Then, you'd notice we are all very different. We don't just look different, we exude different. We come from different backgrounds, jobs, and probably faiths. Yet we still like one another very much. Well, I like them very much. Might need to do a poll on this.

I have a personal friend who ridiculed the idea of a "writing group". He felt it a waste of time. After three years of participation in one, I don't know how I ever managed without them. And had I had this sooner, I suspect my writing would have become something more than it is now. 

So writing group won't hurt you one bit. It could help you become a better writer. I could keep you focused and writing. Or it might save your sanity. Of course, the sanity of this particular group is debatable but their hearts are in the right place. 

So, to my wonderful Inmates, I love and miss you. Hope to see you soon!

7 Weird Things

I had a thought this week, while getting in the shower no less. I thought about the odd things we all do and how those that know us probably have no idea that we do them. I tried to think of seven things that I do that would be considered weird or odd, if you don't like the weird appellation. I decided to see if I could come up with seven.

1. I shower in the dark. My kids say this is weird. Not a tub bath, a shower. I like it. I have a nightlight in my bathroom and outside the window, that is in the shower area, there is a halogen light that lights up that end of the yard at night. I never used to take a shower in the dark but after I had the bath redone, I began doing it because I still need to get a cover over the glass. LOL, NO you can't SEE in! I have a frosted pane over it. But I was uncomfortable with it for a bit, even though it was frosted like the previous window. So, until I got used to it, I just turned the light off. Now, I love taking a shower in the dark. LOL last week I bought some tiny battery operated "fake" candles. I now put them on the upper sash of the window. Nice.

2. I can't sleep with my back to the bedroom door. I don't know why. I have never ever liked it. When he was not off working somewhere, Jerry slept on the door side of the bed and I was fine but after he died I had to switch sides of the bed.

3. I don't like things out of place. I mean, seriously. I straighten pictures when I notice them. I straighten chairs. I rearrange my clothes in the closet by color and length. It is due for this again soon. I arrange the items in the pantry by type of food, container, and size. I get in an absolute panic if clutter stays around for more than three days. Seriously, this got worse after Jerry died. So, I'm thinking OCD. 

4. I can tell when someone has been in my house when I wasn't home. I don't know how I know this. I'm seldom wrong about it. Usually it is a family member and they have keys but it still bugs me. I expect them to call me. Becca does because she knows.

5. I have dreams that happen. i.e. I've dreamed people died and they did. This is even weird to me. Science says it is impossible but I still keep doing it. Since my pain is under control and I'm sleeping more, I'm dreaming more. I'm nervous about it.

6. I pray in my car... a lot. Hey, you talk on your cell phone! I'm less likely to have an accident than you. And I'll be ready.

7. Actually, I have been unable to think of anything weird for this one. I may come up with something later. I could put that I know everything but that's not weird. That's just obnoxious. 

So, I will leave it at that. 

What about you?

My Idea of Sexy Music

I know. I know! That is not something you'd generally see on my blog. If I'd said romantic you'd have been fine with it, right? Admit it, you would. Why would I lie?

I have, I think, mostly women on my blog... gee, only women! Anyway, my point is that music can be good music and romantic (for those offended by sexy) I'm pretty picky about my music. I tend to be an oldies kind of gal. When I say "oldies" I'm not just talking 50's, 60's and 70's. I mean.. really old. Jerry and I liked classical music. I got him hooked so bad that when he was driving the truck, he had to have a cd of it with him to play when he turned in for the night. We both though this music was . . . well... romantic...sexy... whichever you prefer. We both liked it.

One of my contacts put up a video of The Piano Guys playing the Charlie Brown theme and I loved it. I'd never heard of them. So when I looked them up, I found a veritable cornucopia of music by them. They are brilliant. I loved it! And they give new meaning to classical rock!

So, tell me this isn't primal. All I can say is WOW!

NaNoWriMo Day 16

Actually, the day is pretty rotten but I'm still afloat. The sun has just now peeked out of the grey morass of clouds. And as shown above, day 16 of NaNo. I've passed the 25,000 word mark so we'll see. It should be down hill from here. Although the stats bar on the site is uphill! I do think my  story is dead. 

I am really sorry I've not been around too much but I'm just really busy. Work is so hectic the last few weeks. We opened the waiting list and have around 2000 apps to enter into the system. So busy. This is not part of MY job. So, I have my other duties on top of this. Mind you, I'm not entering all those apps myself. There are about 7 of us. Still, it is a lot and will take a while.

In more serious news... I'm feeling pretty terrific! Well, really well. Not much pain to speak of... occasional pain in the neck and my ankles have been hurting. Don't know what that's about. Still, over all, I feel really good.

My mood has been a bit up and down but then when is it not? I don't know if I'll ever get that fixed. It is survivable at this point. I am working on a video blog from the last two days. I know how very much you all just love those! 

I'm not happy with my hair! It is a mess. I'm tired of putting it up and have been leaving it hanging. It's so looooong. I don't mind that. I used to have it longer but I had hair problems after Jerry died. Um..it fell out.  But now, I've got stuff growing back that is short. A pain, that. People have been saying "OH! I love your hair down." Now... I am a bit skeptical of flatterers. I like my hair down but find it hard to believe other people feel the same. Jerry loved it down, too. And it is a lot easier to just let it hang. For now, I'll save the updo's for something special. But all that grey is beginning to get me down. So to dye or not to dye... folks, I don't honestly care. Hair color is one of those things I don't obsess over. It just is and I fail to see what all the fuss is about. If I like the color, I'll say so. If I don't like it I won't say much unless you ask me. Then, I'll be kind but truthful. My thing is the less I have to do in upkeep, the happier I am. Time was meant to be spent on things that are important. This isn't much.

The ML duties are not difficult and the write-ins are good for me. If I do it next year, I'll be better prepared and have everything set up before October. But for now... I'm not making huge efforts to "do" stuff. Write-ins are about it. I have a tentative idea for a TGIO gathering but honestly, I don't want to do it. By November 30 you can stick a fork in me.

All right, I'm going to get back to work. 

Blue Monday

I don't really know why I'm feeling so bummed out. I'm not hurting anywhere, well, not major pain. Manageable stuff. Slight shoulder pain is the most noticeable but the weather has changed over night. It's 72 here today and cloudy. So, I'm guessing a migraine is attempting to get a hold on me.

I'm just overwhelmingly sad. Have been for days. I can laugh about stuff, watch t.v., goof off, play in the forums but there is just this hole blasted in me that I can't seem to fill up. And I do keep trying. I've kept busy with the write-ins and writing every night. All my family has disappeared but that's not the problem. I was busier when I had guests but that only keeps this thing at bay for a short time. They call. I call. 

I keep saying that it will eventually go away. It just won't exist anymore. I go around finding things to do, people to talk to, places to go, whatever. At the end of the day, I'm still sitting here with a crater in my life. Please do not give me platitudes, however well intentioned they are.  I thank you in advance for your compassion. It just doesn't really help me. Truthfully, you probably can't.

January 29 will be three years. I can't believe that. This morning, in the bathroom of all places, I had a thought. Life is like a cloth bag of sand. It trickles out slowly through the weave until you punch a hole in it. Then, just try holding on to it and stopping that hole. Your whole perspective of time shifts when someone close dies. What was once long days that seemed to drag on now become days that you didn't even realize had passed. In the blink of an eye, it's gone. Time slips away and the vacancies in it are more pronounced, more obvious to you. You feel them, like something flying past and striking you.

That's the way it feels anyway. And... eventually, you're holding an empty bag.

I'm not depressed. Believe me, I know the difference in depression and sadness. What I feel is not depression. 

I'm don't believe it can be fixed. 

That's the most frustrating thought of all.

Sunday Update

NaNoWriMo Day 12

NaNoWriMo Day 9

Up & At 'Em

Woke up with a terrible sore throat and headache right behind my eyes! Not a migraine, thank goodness but still annoying. Swallowing is terrible! I have a write-in at 1 so must get it together. I'm only posting because ... I have no idea.

It is a sunny, sunny day and 52F. Too cold to go without a jacket. I need to go out and get some supplies but I don't want to go. 

I'm really annoyed about the sore throat. No idea where I picked it up but people come in go in my office and some of the clients, not the co-workers, are just nasty. I handle paper that sometimes looks like I need rubber gloves. So, anywhere. I try to be really careful because of the medicine I take but still, invariable, something catches me. [sigh]

Bummer day in my word count, too. I didn't quite make it yesterday. I just wasn't into it and even though I tried, I got so tired last night I simply crashed. So, today I try and catch up. That's never good in NaNo.

Funky Friday

I'm eleven days into NaNo. I haven't done today's word count and I may not. I've been doing fine but tonight is the first night I've had alone in oh, three weeks. My sister felt well enough to go back to her house tonight. She's doing much better after getting more rest. 

But I realized as soon as the house got quiet that I'm really tired. I've been running on full speed for a while and maybe I've just run out of gas. I don't know. I've been in a funky sort of mood all day. When I'm like this I'm my own worst enemy. I say too much, think too much, and I listen to everything I think. I know. That makes no sense but I understand it. 

My mind is moving at a tremendous rate which is somehow very interesting. If you've read over my blogs you know that my mind has been pretty much out to lunch for a while. But not this last several weeks. It seems that the doors have been opened and the windows throw up and lots of light, in the form of thoughts, ideas, and totally impossible schemes are just pouring in. 

I don't KNOW what that means.  And no, I have no idea what precipitated it. I've learned in my astronomically short life not to questions the good things. Take them for granted. By astronomically I mean my age when compared to the life of stars as opposed to my age compared to yours. We're both pretty  young my way. I'll take as much clearheadedness as I can absorb but it is almost overwhelming at times.

Does darkness creep in or lurk nearby? You know when I even write the word I see it. I can feel it. Darkness. The inscribed word takes on a feeling, a presence, a form. I've described it other places in the blog. Suffice it to say, I know darkness intimately. And the answer to the question is yes. Once it has been a part of you, it always hang around. At the moment, he's over in the corner biding his time. Sometimes he touches me. It is not a loving touch. I have a healthy respect for it because I know that one wrong move and it can envelope me in smothering folds.

Why am I writing this post? If I had the answer to every question I'd have nothing to wonder about and lots of money.  I'd be on a beach in some island hideaway soaking up Vitamin D by the gallon. 

I don't know. It seemed like a good thing to do. I told you, funky mood. All day like this. 

Busy Bee

I called in sick today. My lower back is bugging me. I think I slept wrong but it could be because I spent most of the day yesterday, my day off, not getting up from my chair enough. I spent time writing and chatting online and I actually slept in a little. I went to lunch with Dave, Becca and Sarah. If you've seen the video you know that was fun.

Speaking of videos, is anyone having trouble loading them at Multiply? I've actually started loading them on Youtube and using the embed feature because Multiply just is harder than ever to upload. At least this way they cross over to Blogger when the post does.

Today, I'm working on files I brought home on Monday to work on on Tuesday which I did not do. I'll be done in a few hours I suspect. It is just reviewing them to see if they have all the required documents. Tedious and something I never have time for when I'm actually AT work! And these are people who never read their check sheet, or think they are smarter than I am and that I won't notice unreported items, or they're lazy and dont' show up for their appointment and are missing everything!

So, I'm reviewing files. I have about 25 on my desk at work I need to process and another 25 here I'm working on! It is endless.

The NaNo story is going ok. Not brilliant but it is plodding along. I'm probably putting in a lot of junk but it keeps me moving and I do like some of the lines I've got so far. Simon is a very entertaining character to write. I haven't had to consult my British friends yet but I have spent a lot of time looking up slang terms to use. I forgot that a flashlight is a torch in Britian. My problem is Simon has been a world traveler so long that he's less British and more Cosmo. So, while things from his youth and upbringing hang on, it isn't as if I have to pour colloquialisms into it. I need just enough to flavor it so the reader gets it.

I've managed to beat the darkness back that has sort of crept up on me a few days ago. I still feel relatively good. Pain is still there but minor compared to what it has been. I can deal with it for the most part. My brain is what is shocking! Really. It is as if I got this shot of awake and for the most part I can think! You have no idea how that feels! I simply do not know how anyone can do drugs and keep their brain in a cloud of nothing. I hate it.

Ok, back to work. I need to be done in two hours so I can work on my NaNo story.

I'm sorry I've been MIA again but you all know I do this every year and this year it is more hectic than usual and I'm so excited to be, lol, awake that I just haven't had time to blog!

What A Nickle Will Buy

A Dixie NaNo Update

From The Over 40 Crowd

This was sent to me by a co-worker and I was in tears after reading it. Hysterical tear. If you're offended by swear word, I apologize but hey, I'm not sure I haven't been there a few times.


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill....Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
     
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  

2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent.... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'...  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!  
   
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

14) And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

True Story

Tonight my sister and I were just discussing fashion and how certain things just are beyond belief in discomfort. I told her that I felt like the high heel was invented during the Inquisition by men. It wasn't enough to have a woman drawn and quartered, they wanted her to strut her stuff down a runway first.


She said, "No it was a Frenchman, the Marquis de Sade."


She mentioned that the bra was another fashion item invented by men. She said, "Titzling."


I said, "He's German."


I also suggested the heels may have originated with Louis 14, he of the red heels.


She said, "That's one sick bunch."


I asked if she had seen these reports of men now wearing high heels. She said, "Lord yes, and carrying purses."


I said, "God, give me a real man wearing cowboy boots, tight jeans, and a hat."


She said, "There are some men saying the same thing."

To Much Thinking

I'm trying to figure out why, with all the busyness going one around here, that I can't keep my feelings upbeat. I have all these really great people I'm related to, associated with, acquainted with... whatever. They send me lovely notes, funny jokes, and even hugs. And I feel like crap.

No, really, not sick but just annoyingly sad. Every single thing in my life has this overlay of sad. Yes, everything. All the colors are muted by this film of sad. Do you remember seeing books, usually anatomy books, that had these pictures of the skeleton and these clear overlays with different organs and layers of the body. First the internal organs, then circulatory system, neverous systems, muscles, ligaments, dermis... If you do you're really really old. But that's what its like. All this underlying good stuff, overlain by this grey yuck called sad.

Maybe I'm over thinking this. Godliness with contentment is great gain. Well... duh! I have no quarrel with the godliness part. I try really hard. Haven't attained perfection yet. We're all in a hurry to get there without really considering what that means. Once you're done here folks, you're done! So, take your time with the perfection thing, do it right the first time.

No, its that contentment thing. Maybe that's overrated. I have no idea what it looks like really. Sometimes I think I might have clue but I then find I was mistaken. And I keep asking myself, have I always been discontent? Has there always been this habit of seeing everything with that grey film? I don't remember!

I keep saying, to myself mostly, that life was meant to be enjoyed and I need to do that. Well, I'm glad I'm not dead. Does this count?

And Friday Rolled In

Gloomy, cold, and damp. At least it isn't raining but the forecast is
for sun! Right.

I have a headache this morning, only a slight one. I didn't sleep well
last night either. I had a bad moment or two. I went to the cemetery
on my way home from work. Let me just say that cemeteries are not
cheerful places on a good day. On a cold, rainy, grey day they're even
worse. I started feeling a bit down around three o'clock. On an
average day my co-workers don't bug me a lot, because I don't let
them. But yesterday, some of them just got on my nerves and it was
silly things that I'd usually ignore.

Suffice it to say, I finished the day tired and depressed. So, hey!
Why not stop by and visit the dead! Good idea. Not.

Look, I've had a terrific two weeks of no pain, or nearly no pain.
I've been able to think and write. All the stuff going on at the
moment has got me a bit frazzled and I'm thinking that is the problem.

Forget that. I'm lying. To myself. Sleep hasn't been as good this
week. I'm not used to having people in the house and even though
they're no trouble at all obviously, house guest always change the
dynamics of your day. Still, I can deal with that. No, what I think is
happening is November. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas is coming.
New Year is coming and January 29 is coming. NaNoWriMo is a busy time
for me and keeps me occupied but at the same time, I'm slammed with
this absence, this hole in the holiday, every blasted year.

You've all tolerated a lot over the last x number of years. I'll be
very honest here. There is this woman in my head. I don't really know
her but I see her as clearly as if she were in front of me. If I
thought about it I could probably describe what she's wearing.
Seriously. She appeared the night Jerry died. She stands with hands on
either side of her head, covering her ears, her eyes squeezed shut and
she is screaming. Some days, when it was truly bad, she came out.
These days I try really hard to ignore her. She doesn't stop. I don't
know how to make her.

I know. Can't be good. But there you go.

The Green Thing

I love this! SO true.

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good
for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green
thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to
the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two
blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry
the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we
didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
(remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded
up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised
by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on
treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget
to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in
order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smarta** young person.

The Green Thing

Oh What a Week

I can't believe I haven't posted since the first of the week! I've
been so busy. I do NOT want to rehash it.

My sister had surgery on Monday and she's been discharged today. She
seems to be doing well but of course now comes recovery time.

Nano, of course started on Monday. I've been trying to keep up with
the regional board and a Facebook group page for the region. It is a
bit hectic but I'm beginning to get a handle on it. I'm answering post
and emails and answering questions for that. I also am writing my own
novel. I'm current in my word count as of last night. Tonight, I'll
have to do my 1666 to stay current. But I'm not giving myself any
grief over this. I'll do what I can and that's it.

I have a write-in to host tomorrow night at Panera. I have a write-in
to host Saturday afternoon at Abbey Road Coffee Emporium. My region is
climbing in numbers. Two weeks ago I think it was about 340-35, have
to check my blogs. Today, it is at 389 people registered with my
region.  That's wild. Of course, I'll never see all of them but the 50
newbies could pop up at a write-in. That'd be a shocker for me! Panera
might be able to handled it and Abbey Road says they can but I dunno!

Still do not have tremendous amounts of pain. I've been saying the a
couple of days the weather was going to change and it did. The hip and
right lower back at my hip has hurt the last two days and it stormed
last night.  The hip felt as if I was begin hit with a sledge hammer.
But neck and shoulder have been just fine. Thank you, God! All over
pain levels are dramatically down. I find myself getting afraid at
every twinge. I've felt so great, so clear headed that I'm terrified
it will go away.

Finally, the lines that were expected for applications dissipated by
10:00 a.m. and now it is a trickle. I'm glad. I can get my own work
done! It was very orderly and no problems but some folks had sat out
there all night! Crazy. Doesn't make the wait any shorter. They feel
like they'll get on faster but there are other things that affect how
fast we process them. So a day won't make a considerable difference.

My friend Loraine is having surgery today. Keep her in your prayers.
She was quite upbeat about it but obviously when you're cut open it is
serious. This is a reconstruction surgery after a colonectomy. Not
sure that's a word but it is what it is. She's been doing very well
since the first surgery and now just wants it all done so she can move
on to other things that are more fun.

Everyone have a good day. It is rainy and gloomy here but the red
leaves across the street are quite cheerful!

Hitting the Pavement

I didn't get far into the light before I fell flat on my face. Literally.

I went to the store and picked up something for Becca to decorate with and was delivering it to her house yesterday before I went to lunch and to do my shopping. She was at the playground with Sarah and that's where we headed.

The sidewalks there have steps at odd places but they aren't marked and tend to blend with the rest of the walkway. She's fallen and I've tripped several times. Yesterday, I did a pancake.

My right foot hit the step and I fell like a falling tree. Straight down on my stomach and chest. I had the forethought, amazing what happens in your mind in split seconds, to arch my back and tilt my head back and use my hands to break my fall, barely. My nose was inches from the sidewalk when it was over. And I couldn't get up a minute.

I rolled over and struggled to a sitting position. There is a fence where I fell. It was difficult because everything was screaming in pain. Mike tried to help me up but I had to just sit for a bit. Knees smacked the ground first and then I fell forward bringing my hands up to brace me. I felt it everywhere. I had a scratch on my knee and my right palm, in the fleshy part near the wrist was scraped. My right wrist was hurting and I know I'd heard something pop. Left hand had a minor abrasion.

Mike looked at my knee and said, 'Well Mom, at least you didn't tear you panty hose!"

{Mom shakes head}

He had yelled at Becca almost immediately. I really couldn't get up! It was crazy but everything was just aching. We went to her apartment where I washed the scrapes and put liquid bandage on them. I iced the wrist. It was achy but I didn't think it was broken. A vein popped up and turned blue but the ice helped. Still, it was stiffening nicely and I decided I should have it x-rayed to be sure. And if I had to file a claim it would be on record.

So, x-ray showed no beaks.l They sent me home. Home, I went. Dropped Mike off at his house and called it a day.

Nothing accomplished.

Today, my usual pain is gone but I'm stiff all over.

How shower in five.

Into the Light?

I'm actually on my way out. I've been absolutely swamped, running all over. I haven't had this much fun since . . . well years. I have had so little pain in years! I'm awake and it feels sort of like Sleeping Beauty must have felt.

O.k. cue Prince Charming, please.

The Meet & Greet was a resounding success. Twenty people showed up and it was tremendous fun to talk and laugh with them all. I got to meet Loraine's husband, who is NOT doing NaNo but I really wanted to meet him and I think she just asked him to join her. The age range of the group was 15 to 55. Guess who was oldest? :-( Everyone seemed to be very excited and really glad to be there. I'm really looking forward to the month. Now if I can just get an idea.....

Cue plot bunnies, please.

Say a prayer for Loraine. She has her second surgery this month. They say it is easier than the first but who knows.

I'm on my way out to do some shopping and pick up Mike. I'm sure he'll want to have lunch with me. He needs hearing aid supplies I think so we'll be going to Beltone, too. Hope no one thinks it for me!

Had an epiphany this week in the car. The thought went through my mind, really a question, "Am I happy?" I really did think about it. My brain is working much better since I'm not dealing with pain and lack of sleep. I had an answer pretty quickly. "I'm enjoying what I'm doing. I am not happy."

I know, bit of an oxymoron. And yet, it is true. I don't actually think happiness is possible anymore. I'm living in a moment. I'm capturing whatever light I can pull around me. I'm latching onto whoever makes me smile, laugh, or feel special. I'm not thinking about tomorrow in any real or long term sense. It will have to take care of itself.

I just don't want to go back in that cave. I really, really don't.

FRIDAY! The Mad Rush to the Weekend

OTGIF!

You've already been apprised of my week. But thankfully, joyfully, splendidly, I've felt wonderful this week compared to how I've felt all year! Virtually NO pain!

Must give God the Praise. Sunday night, Bro Ashcraft visited our church again and I asked him to pray for me again. Remember my feet and how badly they were hurting all the time? After the Sunday night he came over and told me he was going to pray for my feet, I've had almost no pain in my feet. I have not been waking up crippled before I get out of bed. So Sunday I just went up when they asked if anyone wanted prayer. I didn't say what for. And he did.

I had a lot of neck pain that day. By Monday night I have virtually none. I've been sleeping better for a few weeks now but still had pain issues. This week I have one spot that has bothered me and it was so mild I took Tylenol for it!

So, Praise the Lord for that! Will it come back, who knows. I'll take every blessing I get gladly.

I had the Writer's meeting last night. Loraine brought a small cake and she and I and Doug had birthday cake. The others couldn't make it. I talked so much I finally asked someone else to talk because I was babbling. They laughed at me and did! LOL

Tonight, Meet & Greet. In fact, my hair is in a towel now and I have to go get it dry and put on my sweater.

I've had virtual roses in the Smoking Pen and a poem from Dragon (screen name don't know his real name but a nice fellow to write with). I've had a Cracker Barrel gift card from Roselynn, a Starbucks gift card and a birthday cake from Loraine and today my friend Carolyn at work gave me a new beaded watchband. It is really pretty. She always gets me something every year. Must remember her this year! Her birthday is the end of December and she is usually not at work and I don't see her. So a nicer day than I had envisioned. In fact, in the Pen tonight they appear to be gearing up for a birthday party! At least that is what I hear.

So, off for now. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Why?

I'm doing my usual ramble online. I do this by reading headlines I have on my Google homepage. This one, "Mass Alien Abduction Experiment in Los Angeles", struck my fancy.

First, I'm not surprised by the location. LaLa Land is centered in this area. People there do weird thing, well, weirder than the rest of us it seems. If you're from LaLa Land and find this offensive, you proved my point. If you can't laugh at yourself, you're crazy.

Second, and the title of this post, WHY? Why would you do such and experiment if you believe the stories of alien abduction? Did they pick only unbelievers? If so, does that corrupt the data because only unbelievers were used? And if only believer were used, can I trust that the data is not tainted by their FAITH? Takes faith to believe in something you can't actually prove.

If they used both believers and non-believers, what does that mean? Does it mean that they actually were abducted or that it was all in their heads. And if you have an OBE, does it mean you weren't abducted? I mean, we have a soul in my belief system. So, if you're soul leaves your body and goes "somewhere else" without your permission, isn't that an abduction?

I think it leaves far more questions that it answers. The biggest one. WHY!

Mid-Week Mayhem, Madness & Meltdown

Oh my stars and garters! What a week it's been and what a week to come. The past week has been chaotic. We had to help admissions on ... I don't remember the day! Basically, we all had to take applications... oh, last Wednesday, and enter them in the computer. These are the last of our waiting list to be entered. I lost a day of my own work! You all know this happens all the time.

We had a couple of computer issues. Who ya gonna call? Fortunately, it was the nut behind the wheel in one case and in the other a power supply issue that can't be fixed by moi. Call my backup, Jay, supertech! He took the old computer away for repair and hooked up our roaming laptop that we use for briefings for Stacey to use.

Then, I had the weekend with Sarah. Did I take Thursday and Friday off last week? I think I did. I don't remember! I had the P & P meeting on Saturday. Two people showed..... yes I know. But it's fine. They were nice and young and .... intimidated so it was fine. I really am NICE!

Monday rolls around and I'm three days behind. I spend Mon-Tues. catching up and putting out fires in all areas. Today we had move briefing. My day to do the presentation, as it usually is since no one else wants to do it. "But you do a really good job." Yes, I do since I wrote the blasted thing! And my spontaneous jokes are funny... most people laugh. Even the staff laughs. So... it is my one concession to exhibitionism.

After the briefing, which last about two hours, I took the laptop back to Stacey's office and reconnected everything. Then, I went to lunch with Carolyn. Came back to another meeting regarding setting up for the opening of the waiting list. We are opening the waiting list November 3 after three years! We expect ... couple of thousand people to show up. It is only open for ten days. There are 8 of us handling the crowd. There will be NO jokes.

Tomorrow it is software training in the a.m. and HUD training in the p.m. And the piles are growing, folks! Pretty soon you won't be able to find me. OH! Writer's Asylum meeting is tomorrow night!

Friday... God only  knows. Friday night, Meet & Greet for local NaNo's. If you're in the area, come on down!

Saturday I hope to goodness I can relax.

Sunday my aunt and uncle will arrive, unless they come Saturday.

Monday my sister, Phyllis, has surgery to remove her gall bladder. She will come home to MY house with my aunt Phillis and uncle Dale... they're wonderful, really. I don't know what I'd do without them.

We are now into November. Tuesday, NaNoWriMo starts and I have to come up with 1666 brilliant, exciting, wondrous words every night for a month. My original goal was to write at night from Mon. to Fri every week, skipping the weekends. That is 2273 words a day for 22 days... I can do that... really, 2273 words is not much for me.... generally. {sigh} I really, really want to do it that way.

I NEED AN IDEA!

Have I mentioned I'm feeling really, really good? So good that I'm terrified it will end.

A Song & Dance

Tuesday turned into a really pretty day. I just wish I could be home instead of work. However, when the boss is away I actually get a lot more real work done. Imagine that!

Got to tell you, my pain levels are so low it is almost astounding. Yes, I'm using the patches and I'm actually going to bed, if not by 10, at least before midnight. That's no mean feat, let me tell you. The Smoking Pen is open and you all know that when that happens, I'm out of pocket for weeks. The website upgrade has caused delays and difficulties on top of that and I'm trying to keep the ML stuff going. Then, Nano starts next Monday.

The closing on the loan is complete and I have to go by the courthouse today and file the paperwork for the loan. At least I thought I did. They just told me I have a year and I should wait at least a couple of months! Now I'll forget it and that will be a problem, too! Doh! I'll put it on my gmail calendar and it will remind me.

Still have no idea what I'm doing for NaNo. I hate going in blind. I've done it a few times but for some reason it feels all wrong this year to do that. I'm concerned  that I don't have an idea and won't have one!

Believe it or not, I'm blank now, too!

MIA and Other Stuff

Friday arrived on schedule.

I've been around but with NaNo approaching, my duties as ML, and my pain problems, I've not been in any position to do more than read your blogs, which I do. I don't think I've been leaving comments. After Grammy sent out a probe I figured I better pop in just to insure everyone knows I'm around. Don't you all go deleting me just cause I'm MIA a few days!

I'm doing o.k. Not perfect... pain was  pretty horrible from Sunday through Tuesday. I was so sick I really needed to be home but I simply can't afford to miss anymore work. I had a hideous migraine but I didn't really know that was part of the problem. My neck was so bad I was contemplating calling for a cervical block. I took an Imetrex to see if it would help on Tuesday at lunch when I realized I also had a headache. I got sicker but that is what they do to me. Feels like you're dying. No, seriously. I went home after work and got the hottest shower I could stand and lay down on the sofa where I stayed for hours just letting tv shows roll. I was better on Wednesday. Today, I'm relatively well although there is still mild pain in and around my neck and shoulders.

My shoulders hurt. I've had to put one of the patches on my left shoulder for week or so now, right on top of it. I think coupled with my neck problem and a migraine it all served to do me in. I do not know what triggered what but I think the shoulder is triggering the neck which in turn triggers the migraine. Just a guess. As good as I get at the doctor.

My plotting & planning meeting on Saturday is all set. I do not know who will show up. I'd like to see 15 but we'll see. The Meet & Greet is set for October 28 at 6:30 p.m at Panera Bread. I've given a couple of hours. We'll see. Really not sure how this is going to go.

November 1 it the start date, as you all have heard ad nauseum. I'm a bit excited but not overly. I have no ideas and that's a problem this year. I fear with my other problems to go in blank might not be a good thing. So, I'm looking for some kind of plan.

I'm attempting to get to bed at night by 10:30 p.m. I have found that it helps since I'm sleeping better. But I'm constantly tired. I never feel I've had enough sleep. I told a friend at work this week that I was getting worse, not better. I do not, truly do not know how much longer I can function at my job like this. It is taking all I can do to keep up now. It's very depressing. I can't quit and I can hardly do it most days.

Oh, that's enough of that stuff. I've got to get back to the piles of stuff waiting for my attention. I'll let you know how things come out tomorrow.

Senior Citizen's Discount

"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my ife. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Day Off... Or Two... Whatever

I'm sitting here in Panera. I just had a Fuju Apple Salad, the half salad actually. It was very good. I cheated on my diet, which isn't news. I had a toffee nut cookie. OMS (Oh my stars!) that is the best cookie in the world.

No, I'm not at work. I took off today and tomorrow. I closed on my loan this morning. I hope it was the right decision. Time will tell. It is a 15 year loan. I had only 10 years left on the other loan but in the long run, if I can continue to make the same payment, I'll pay it off just as soon but save a bit of money.

Why did I take the day off? I don't know. I just realized that I wasn't going to be able to take any time off for the rest of the year other than the paid holidays at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I volunteered for this ML position with NaNo and my sister is slated for surgery on the 31st. I have several things that must be done but somewhere in there I forgot me.

Actually, I've felt better this week because I'm getting much needed sleep... not enough of it but more and better. So, I'm a bit more alert, particularly in the afternoons. So, I thought, while I did feel better, I should make the best of it and take what I'm given. I can go back to work tomorrow if I want but I don't think I will. Maybe. I have to go get those back xrays anyway so probably, I'll do that.

At the moment, things are quiet. I need quiet. I've decided that my life has actually gotten more complicated rather than less. I have always been a person who like quiet. No parties, fancy gatherings, social engagements, clubs, etc for me. I liked being with my family, with Jerry or alone. Now I find myself filling up time with things to do, places to go, people to see. I look for ways to squeeze in to every minute. That way I don't think much. I don't sit staring at walls, into mirrors, or at photographs. I'm not introspective. When I crochet or sew I don't have memories jumping out at me. When I am working I don't have time to ponder my past. If I have somewhere to go I'm not wandering around the house looking for something that isn't there.

And I don't like any of it. Oh, I enjoy the craft stuff a lot. I like my writing group. I like church. It isn't that these things are unpleasant in themselves. It is just that they are just fillers. You... I don't feel as if I'm living life. I'm just filling it up with stuff, getting through another day.

So, what am I doing today? I went to the bank at 9 and was done by 10. I came home, played a game on the computer for 2 hours, paid a couple of bills, read emails and blogs. Then I realized I had not eaten all day and decided I better do that. I loaded up the computer and headed to Panera where I have consumed the aforementioned items and here I sit. Small booth I picked is not terribly comfortable and it isn't quiet here. The staff are cutting up and laughing on the other side of the wall. Still, it isn't unpleasant. I don't actually want to leave.

The writer's meeting is tonight at 6:30. I'm glad although lately the group has been small. I know that three of them will be there, maybe 4. Melina is, of course, away at college until the holidays. Cassie says she'll only be by for an hour. Kathy, Loraine and Doug say they'll be there. So will I. I believe Kathy is bringing the cake tonight, the wickedly triple chocolate from Sam's Club. Decadent.

I have to get a plan for Nano. I'm making plans now for the plotting and planning meeting. No idea what I'm doing there, not being a good plotter. However, I find letting people talk about their ideas helps. And often others can offer insights. So, that's scheduled, tentatively, for the 22nd. The 28 is the Meet & Greet here at Panera. That's my birthday, too. A celebration of sorts. Note to self: remember to get name tags for that night. I'm hoping Panera is dead that night and we have plenty of room on the off chance 50 people show up! Fortunately I'd spread it out over two hours. Plenty of time to chat and eat and leave. Be nice to have a real room but there are just not that many places here that offer such facilities. Maybe, if we can get an established, consistent group we can make better arrangements but I'm not going to make huge plans for a uncertain number of people.

All right, I need to move on now. I need to head home. It is going on 3 p.m. and the living room must be straightened before the inmates arrive.

Astounding Website

I googled "crazy events". Yep. 

I'm shocked I've never run across this site before, being the ultraconservative that I proudly proclaim. I'm going to read more when I've got time but just the first few items surprised me. Not only are the articles surprising, they provide a link to the articles they get their info from. http://endoftheamericandream.com/

Warning: This is not a site liberals will be interested in. In fact, some conservatives don't want to hear it either.

Rank Has Its Privileges

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Drifting Into Saturday

It feels that way. I had a good sleep last night. I took one of those patches and cut it in half and then half again. These patches are about 6x8 and I was using a whole one on my back and taking a half one cutting that in half again and putting it on my knees. It was working great but my neck and arm and hand were just terrible.


On Thursday night I had a frightening episode where my right pupil dilated to nearly twice the size of the left eye. I could FEEL it! I didn't know that was happening at first. For two weeks I'd have a problem driving with my glasses on. I simply found it very difficult and I didn't know why. I kept having all that pain and my head hurt and well, I won't bore you with a repeat of the blogs. I even asked two people if they ever heard of such a thing. Both said no. Well, Thursday I was reading and notice I couldn't see very good. I could see but it wasn't right some way. After finding I couldn't look at the computer, I held something over each eye and realized my right eye was not as clear as the left and was uncomfortable looking at certain bright objects. I looked in the mirror and gasped.


I was scared to death. I've had a pupil dilation before. About 8 years ago I had double vision about 2 hours in that eye and never did figure out what caused it. Since then, I've had mild dilation once or twice. This was more pronounced. I called my wonderful eye doctor. He actually puts his home phone on his answering machine and his cell! He only asked that you call those in a medical eye emergency. This was for me. He asked me several questions and said he thought it might be a migraine and to call first thing on Friday and they'd get me in right away. I called my aunt and asked them to pray for me and they did. Then, since I could do no more and could not read or use the computer, I went to bed.


Friday morning I was at my doctor's by 9 and was taken in immediately. I had a mild headache then because of the neck and shoulder. Everything else was, of course and thankfully, normal. He said again it was probably a migraine. But he checked thoroughly inside my eye with all kinds of light and lenses. I always joke at my normal exam that I leave his office tired. Emergency exams are only slightly different. I went back to work but that neck and arm still hurt and I figured it was the cause of the headache.


Last night I took the large patch I used on my back and cut it in half and decided to see if that worked as well as a large one. I then took the half and cut that in half and put it my neck. I am pleased to report that my neck is much better this morning. Although sitting on this sofa is definitely part of the problem. I need to get a new living room suite.


So, I began the day a bit better off. I have some things I have to do. I want Mike to come over and help me but he has running he wants to do and I don't. So, not sure it will all get done. I'm going to pay the bills as it is first of the month. I still haven't heard from my bank about the refinance. I'm getting antsy.


I'm trying to organize the meetings for NaNo. Not hard since the Library has someplace reserved every day but Sundays which are bad for me anyway. I think I'm simply going to look for those nights when it is after I get off work and make that the official meets and let the other stand for anyone who wants to get together at other times.


The meet and greet is scheduled at the moment for 10/28, my birthday, 6:30 to 9 at Panera. This is the best for me and the location won't have as many people at night. I'd like to do it somewhere else but there just isn't any place I can "reserve" space for possibly 20 people. The time will allow people to come and go as they like and they'll be tempted to buy food and drink, which helps. The time is also an effort to allow some of the more distant to get there after work if necessary.


O.k., I'm out of here. I have some things to get at Lowe's with the rest of my gift card. I also want to go by Value City and look at a living room suite. And... I need to get Mike to see if he'll help me with that wall. I want it fixed a month ago!


Everyone have a nice weekend. Today it is beautiful outside.

Past the Hump

I am much better today compared to Monday. I still have some minor pain but it is minuscule compared to the past weekend. I got my doctor to prescribe those medicinal patches for both my back and my knees. She did. Now I can put them on both places at night.

Today, my knees don't hurt much and my back and right leg are still good. I suspect that as a result of those improvements my left neck shoulder and hand are down to about a 2 on the 10 scale. You know the one that goes from :) to :O.

The weather is absolutely gorgeous and I'm annoyed I'm locked inside. I really would love to be off tomorrow. I don't want to take off only because I can see me needing the time later for some insane reason.

I've been busy posting dates and locations on the NaNo calendar for my region that show the dates, times and locations the library has reserved rooms for writers. I'm only up to the 15th! Well....I am having to do it on breaks.

I've scheduled the initial meet and greet for October 28th. I have no idea who will show if anyone. I may have to reschedule that as it is also Halloween weekend and Boo at the Zoo is going on and probably other assorted celebrations for the dubious holiday.

It is nearly time to go home now and I'm really anxious to get out of here. I have got to finish Sarah's skirt. I've been sick for over a week and just not able to sit at my machine with the pain in my joints. It is very upsetting with all that stuff piled there waiting for me to create something. I sat in a chair for days, doing nothing but watching television shows. I hate that.

But I am caught up on my shows and even found a couple of new ones.

I've done no writing to speak of, not even the blog. I don't know how I'm going to manage to writer 50,000 words in next month. I'm trying to get my head around it and see if I can actually put together a plan. Planning, these days anyway, seems far beyond me.

I'm very tired this afternoon but then usually after a huge bout with pain I am exhausted for days. I need to sleep and I need to stop getting to bed late. There was a period over a year ago now, where I was going to bed no later than 10:30 and I was actually doing pretty good. I need to get back on track for that. It would probably help me.

All right. I'm heading out in 15 minutes to go home. Not sure I'll be back on today so have a lovely evening. Tomorrow is Friday and supposed to be just as pretty as today. I do like fall in the midwest. About the only season I do like here.

NaNo Approaches!