So it Ends.....

At midnight tonight the bell tolls on another NaNoWriMo year. And as always, once it ends there is this sense that something is missing or that I've lost something important. In a way maybe I do. 

The removal of the pressure of having to write every single day is the first thing you notice. You kind of sit in a mental fugue where your mind feels like it is supposed to be somewhere else but isn't and is confused by it. You notice that people you were in contact with nearly every day  seem to kind of fade away, not disappear completely but mostly. You don't get those 'You can do it!' emails that get you through the next 1667 words and beyond. You begin to feel bereft. 

For me there is the added loss of write-ins. While only a few meetings had a half dozen attendees, it is kind of nice to sit down and write with like minded people. A common goal that links you to another human being. And you get a good dose of laughter and conversation with it. It's a good feeling. I'll miss those.

Overall, it is the sense of community that pulls one along during the month and it is this sense of community I find myself missing the most every year. Visiting the forums on the last day is very sad in some ways. You really probably won't be back until next year. But things happen and you might not be able to come back. Or something may happen to some of them and they won't be back. You think about it all that last day. And for the month of December, you feel it. 

There is the sense of success in the knowledge that I've written 50,000 words of a novel. But there is an impending sense that if I don't do something with it I'll lose something else. 

I don't know what the magic of NaNoWriMo really is. I don't what pulls us back to it every year. All I know is that for me, it is a place that comes around only once a year where I can do things I might not have done otherwise. I can go places in my mind that are only limited by my imagination. I can meet people I might never have met. I can laugh more than I have ever laughed. 

Then, in 30 days, its gone. 

DONE! DONE! DONE!

Oh Snow, Oh Me Oh!

I know, corny title but I was in a hurry and I'm saving my really witty stuff for the NaNo Novel.

It is snowing.... has been for about an hour. No accumulation to speak of but snow all the same. The sky is terribly overcast and it is cold, 34F. Just warm enough to melt the snow when it hits the ground. I used to love snow. Not so much now.

You've all seen the number. You know I am closing in on the 50K. Some of you are so very confident in me! I had no idea I was so capable. Thank you for all the encouragement and support. And for all your little ideas sent to help me through the blocks. They were actually very good and I'm probably going to use some of those tonight and if necessary tomorrow! My poor Simon is going to be fit to be tied. 

I'm getting ready to go to lunch with Carolyn. No idea what is on the menu today. I need something really good. I had chili last night. Prepared it and wrote while it cooked and ate while I wrote. It was a chili night. I still have some and I'm not sure it isn't a chili night tonight. Maybe a simple salad for lunch. It was really good chili with sharp cheddar cheese. I love cheddar cheese. 

I'm in a very up and down mood lately. I've felt a million times better this month, clear headed, less pain, really just good over all. But I can't shake the sadness, the loneliness, the totally abandoned feeling. It feels as if I'm on some outlying planet and sometimes travelers stop by and visit me but then they leave and I'm stranded here again, by myself. It is a hideous feeling that at times has me climbing the walls. 

I don't know if anyone will understand this unless they write. The other night I had bee writing for hours, living in the make believe world of secret agencies, operatives, and eek, Simon who's hotter that a jalapeno in July. I had to stop and take a break and when I got up and walked away from the computer, it was as if I was in a strange place. I mean I was disoriented and felt very odd, as if I'd been somewhere else, a place I belonged, and now I was suddenly whisked into an alien environment. That doesn't happen often, in fact, it hasn't happened to me quite like this for a very long time. It was so odd but so cool. I used to do that kind of thing when I was writing fiction a lot. It is a lot like a mini vacation and you have the same feelings of let-down that you get when you come home!

All right, I think lunch is in order. The flakes are much smaller now and I need to just step away from the work for a bit.

Dixie In the Kitchen

Top of the Morning

That's right. The very top.

I went to bed around midnight. I've not slept since. I lay in the bed four hours and nothing happened except I kept telling myself to go to sleep. I would have done better to sit up. I'm sitting here at 5:54 a.m. wide awake.

Those who've been here awhile know that this is not beneficial to me. Sleep is the only thing I've found that actually keeps my pain levels way down. I'm concerned that by noon I'll be ready to drop. My plan was to spend the afternoon with Becca and Sarah and Sarah could spend the night. Now, I'm concerned that I won't even be able to sit up by noon. And if I go to bed too early, I'll be back up before dawn on Sunday.

Appears that one can't win at this game.

I decided if I can't sleep I might as well write. Um.... I might want to get coffee first... Maybe a lot of it.

Start Your Engines.......

Well, I was able to jump start my story and finally got to just over 37K before midnight. The story really took off and I don't really want to stop. However, tomorrow I have a lot of things I'd like to do but I MUST get the next 4500 words down tomorrow just to be caught up. Seriously. If you think how long it took today to get 4000 words.... I worked all afternoon and all evening. About 9 hours.

Now, I'm headed for bed, very psyched up. I hope I can sleep! Be terrible to be lying there, awake for hours with all this enthusiasm. I'm so well... never mind. I've said before, for me writing is a cheap high.

Hope everyone's holiday has gone well. If you didn't have a holiday, please have a great weekend.

Just do not call me before 9 a.m. please!

Another Day, Another 5K

I'm finally up but didn't really sleep well at all. Just dozing. Not sure what that is about.

You know, I love my family. I have a wonderful aunt, as you all know. I do not know what I'd do with her. She read my blog sometime this morning. Bless her heart, she called about 11:00.

"I saw your blog this morning and I wanted to be see if you were getting any sleep.

I said, "I'm trying."

She said, "Turn the phone off so no one can bother you."

I agreed and hung up.

My sister called ten minutes later. "Are you asleep?"

Admittedly, it was nearly noon. And she had no way of knowing about my long night.

Sigh. Aren't family just lovely?

I'm on my way to the word mine. Someone keep the coffee warm.

Stalled Out

I'm really disgusted with the whole thing. I'm tempted to just trash it all and give up. And I find that just disgusting. I don't quit. I write to the end.

So why does it feel like it's the end?

Two Cellos

Another favorite youtube video I found months ago.

Winding Up a Long Day

It is like winding yarn. Seems to take forever to gather it all into a cohesive ball. The tapestry comes together but I've also been cutting ties. Leaves things nice and clean.

I left after Sue got here to clean and went to McDonalds and had a burger and coke. I was going to stay and write but the place was mad with children hammering on the tables with toys. I like children. But not when I'm 10,000 words down and trying to climb out of the hole I'm in. So I finished up there and went to Abbey Road. I had a peppermint mocha that was really good and sat there to write for about three hours.

The owners are nice to me. Her mother used to live next door to me and is now in a nursing home. He is a former journalist, retired, who opened an artsy coffee shop. They have art shows on the sidewalks on warm summer days. They hang local art on the walls to sell. They have open mic night once a month for locals and they serve coffee and scones virtually all week. He's a writer, plays guitar and is a fair singer. I was surprised. It's one of those places that small towns used to have that they've lost, where people come in and sit and do whatever they want with no complaint. Nobody whines.

He opened his doors to WriMos this year for a write-ins and it has turned out better than I expected. I had reservations. But it is that old book by its cover thing. Today, he shook my hand and said, "Don't be a stranger." And I won't. It will be a place to run to to simply be alone without being alone.

I've been looking over my contacts again and there are some that have been gone two years. I hate to remove them but at this point, it is probably time. I'm guessing that after two years, they aren't around anymore. If you are around but haven't posted in more than 12 months, you might want to give a yell. I won't delete people who are out there reading but then, I know they aren't because I check. After this weekend, there will probably be about five slots. I never let myself go over 35 because that would be impossible to keep up with. Doesn't mean I don't visit other sites but keeping up with the blogs can get pretty hectic.

The word count is climbing steadily but I am still doubtful of finishing. It is simply not going anywhere fast. I'm fighting for every word. And on a good day, in a couple of hours I can crank out 2500. It has taken all day and I'm short that by at least 100. To just get current I still need 10,000 by tomorrow. Yes, it might be doable but only if these characters start clamoring with ideas and sharing them with me.

I've taken my shower and am about to dive back into the story. It is odd. I was writing earlier and hat to stop to do something. I had to actually think about where I was! That happens sometimes, when I'm really engrossed in it. I seem to step out of this reality into another. Then, when I am forced out suddenly I'm kind of confused. So now I've got to regroup and step back into that other place. Lot harder going in that coming out actually.

A Different Sort of Friday

The sun is shinning! Oh my goodness! Look out there. It paints the ground in lovely golden swaths, gilds the trees, highlights the blue of a stunning sky. Amazing!

That's my quota for exclamation points by the way. I use a lot of them... because I also talk that way! It is very hard getting that across... Isn't it? I don't care. They invented the thing for some reason. Might as well use it. It is considered really bad writing. College writing prof said only one is allowed. LOL, leave it to me to defy him. He way too uptight about it.

Still getting all these rave reviews of my hair. Good grief I wish I'd let it down sooner. Best compliment... not that my hair is beautiful. Not that it looks good down. No. Ready? You look so young! LOL I am soooo very vain and didn't even realize it. Second favorite? I didn't know you were so blonde. That is actually humorous. I once was a nice mix of blonde, brown, and a tad of red. Now... I'm silver.. that is not gold... that is silver. All the red and gold decided to turn to silver. Somewhere .... let me look in my pile of books... hmmm, here we are... alchemy.. Eureka! I've discovered how to turn gold into silver. Who knew that mixing a little silver with brown would make it look blonde. (whisper - It actually doesn't but some people seem to think it does so I'm good with it.)

Onward.

I feel Billy Crystal today. You know......Mahvahlous. I've not been doing anything. Kat and I have both been up past midnight chatting on gmail chat the last two nights. LOL, we both have a "get off time" of 11 but I when we're not working, well, we forget. Simply looked at the time and said, "Oh look! It's 1 a.m.! Maybe we should get off now." No one called me this morning. I was up at 9 despite being in bed... a late.

I'm still down in word count. Waaayyyyy down for me. Today I'm supposed to be at 41667. I'm just over 33K. So, nearly 10K down. Very hard to catch up once you get to that point. So, I'm going to write like a fiend today. May go to Panera and get away from the phone and have a cookie and a drink. My novel is being written in Google Docs so their free wifi is a good thing.

Oh...my cleaning lady just arrived! I wasn't even dressed yet. LOL. I have changed into something suitable and will probably go out just so she can do her thing. Takes a couple of hours and she's done. This is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm not sure that just not having the stress of cleaning the house isn't healthy. One less worry.

So, not sure how everyone is spending your Friday but I hope it is something you enjoy. Think of me grinding away at the word processor. Simon jumping through hoops to save his skin and that of his lady... LOL, those who've read any of the real story of Simon know it is amusing.

Did I say I feel Mahvahlous? It's true.

I'm scared to death by it.

Joke of the Day

I got this in my email from GCFL.com. I get one everday. I share them once in awhile. I love this one. I laughed out loud.

Jury Duty

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

More Hot Music

I'm obsessed with these guys. They are tremendous. Love it

Thanksgiving Day

My phone woke me at 8 a.m. Yep. My day off. The phone rings. Never mind. It doesn't matter. It always happens.

It's is cloudy, despite a weather notice that said it was supposed to be mostly cloudy. There was a little sun behind a little cloud on the weather notice. Imagine my surprise when I saw huge clouds and no sun outside. What's that about? Why not just say, cloudy today with NO sun. Better yet, why bother with a weather report at all? I mean nothing has changed since LAST WEEK! It's terribly depressing weather. And it is cold on top of that.

Nuff weather rant. I have several more I need to cover before I lose you completely.

Actually, I'm not going to rant. As usual, I had a bit of a meltdown last night but I pulled myself up by my boot straps. It is the holiday season. I still have to get through December and my anniversary in January before I even get to the death date in late January. Kind of like base jumping. Once you step off that ledge, there is no going back and you just keep going until you hit bottom, hopefully softly.

Anyway, rather than trying to fix it, I simply started writing. I didn't do too bad. But the goal for the next three days is 20k. Yep. I have to get this done. I know if I go into Monday with a huge deficit, I'm finished. I'll never make the goal. If I can get the 20k by Saturday I'll be done and I'll have made goal.

I KNOW it's a lot of words. But if I don't set the standard high I'll probably not even make half that. LOL, Yes, you can use psychology on yourself. I'll let you know... better yet, watch the ticker on my home page.

Someone asked about my background, Abandoned. I believe it was a visitor. I got that background at ShiftedReality.com. I think I gave the wrong information previously. That's where it came from, Ethansdad. It just appeals to me for some reason.

So, I'm getting dressed in fits and starts. At the moment I have a blue long sleeved pullover and black leggings. I'm cold and these are warm. I'll pull a skirt on over them before I leave. Hair is down. It is nice to have to struggle with it. I just wish all that short stuff would grow!

We're going to Golden Corral for dinner after my sister Phyllis gets off at 2 p.m. It's late and I can't do a thing about it. It is also cheaper for me to pay everyone's way than to buy all that food and spend days cooking and cleaning. I'm happier this way. If anyone else is not they can cook next year and I'll be happy then, too.

Not sure I'll be back today. I really need to knuckle down and get the word count up so probably not. I hope that you remember the Ten Foot rule. Here is the excerpt from my blog about it from November 29, 2009

"Tonight I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.

I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."

Try very hard to say thank you today to someone for something, even if it is not "your" holiday. It is a good holiday and everyone should have a special thanksgiving day. If life is hard right now, be thankful it isn't worse. It can be.

Jerry's Favorite Song

This came to mind a little while ago. He'd grin at me and say, "I do."

Rites and Passages

I had a call today from one of my landlords. Linda is such a nice person and I really like her. She's 64. I asked how she was and she said, "Today is the first anniversary of my husband's death." He was a very nice person, too. The call went long and that's o.k. I remember those days when I needed to talk and the only place to do that was here. 

In some ways it is very odd to hear my story repeated from someone else living it. There is a sense of a time warp, of someone stepping into your life without you knowing it. Imagine hearing your own voice over the phone: "Sometimes I stood in the house and screamed." "I found myself in the floor." "I find myself wishing I had not said some of the things I said." "I go to church but I find myself questioning..." Her voice, my words? My voice, her words? It is strange to hear how the blows you felt are being felt by the other person and you KNOW what they are like. 

So, I listened and re-lived my own hell in the sound of her words. And with each terrible moment, it felt very good to be able to say, "That's normal. You're not crazy." And she cried and said, "I'm so glad you said that."  I told her that it doesn't get better you just learn to adjust. 

And we don't get better. I've decided that we just become a better dancers. We dance around all the things that trip us up. And we keep dancing because people think we're better and that's less work than telling them the truth. That we're crippled for life because half of us is gone. 

Once in awhile, when I've had enough sleep and the pain is less, I look outside and wonder if there is life after death. Part of me wants there to be. But the impact of my experience is so great that I find it impossible to believe. You can't begin to imagine the emptiness that life can be. No wonder that God elected to fill the earth with life. It was void of everything that meant anything.

I know I'm at the next phase, the one where you are resigned and start looking outward. This is where sanity returns and you realize that you can actually get through most days without looking back. Linda has a long way to go. I don't tell her that. She said a friend of hers lost her husband when she was 48. Her friend said it took five years to recover. I guess I'm impatient. Jerry always said I was. But I'd like to be able to walk without the limp. I'd like to step out onto the floor and dance because I want to dance and not because I have to pretend. 

NaNoWriMo Day 22

Halfway

For me, it is halfway through the work week. I'm off Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yay. 

I've run completely out of steam. Seems like everything has just collapsed on top of me and I can't seem to dig out. Work is a monster. I'm so far behind and yet I still get calls from the clients of the case manager who got to take a vacation! And they know I'm behind because I've been doing work in another area that is NOT MY JOB! 

I'm so fed up because the person in charge sits on the phone all day and plays on the internet. All questions get referred back to the person who asked them! Because the person responsible for answering them doesn't know the answers. I spent 15 minutes helping a coworker find the answer to a question presented to the one in charge yesterday. That person never could answer the question so he ignored it. Even today when I pointed out the obvious he still could not make a decision on what was to be done. I finally told the case manager what to do and said document you efforts to get supervisor help. Does this sound like a cushie job? I think so. No, there is no one to complain to because I need my job. 

{sigh} Rant done.

I have some ideas for my nano novel but for the last several days I have been unable to write very much. My eyes were bothering me last night. A muscle twitching in my right lower lid. Nearly drove me crazy. It is a bit better today but I suspect it is caused by nearly 12 hrs a day on the computer. I spend 8 at work on the computer. Anyway, I'm using some eye drops to help with the dry eyes and I had some medicine for the sty I remembered and used that last night. Actually helped I think.

I had a late lunch. Took Mike to Cancun, the place where Sarah and I were in that video. He' not been there before and it is such a charming place I thought he'd like it. He did.

Now, back to work.  Hope your day is passing much more pleasantly than mine. 

A Good Night's Sleep and a Morning Ramble

I feel almost normal. I did not make it to church. Mike called me in plenty of time but this is one time I knew if I didn't get the right amount of sleep it was going to get ugly. I'm up now and have just made a loop around the Multiply village checking out my contacts. Thank you to all of you who have stopped by and made comments. Sometimes you comments are the brightest spot in my day and I don't think I say thank you enough.

I keep a close check on the blogs, even it it may not seem like you hear from me. I read them. I always tell people that during the darkest days of my life, the people here were often the only light I saw. So, this thanksgiving, I'll give thanks for the best friends on the planet. Now if you can all catch a plane and come to my house for Thanksgiving, we'll have a great time! LOL, I know you can't but it is a lovely picture I can have in my head on Thursday.

That headache sat right there, just waiting to pounce again. I took a pile of stuff last night and went to bed praying I could dig it out. This morning I slept until I woke up. I still felt sleepy but a few minutes on my feet and a cup of coffee and I'm fine. No headache, very little pain (most high praise to God!) and a bit of a smile.

I really think I hurt my ankle in that fall two weeks ago. Good grief I sound like an OLD woman! I remember climbing around the Alps for goodness sake! Not sheer cliffs, mind you... nearly fell off the mountain (another story if I have not told it) but if you've walked in the Alps in S. Germany you know the path around the castles are not a walk in the park. I've camped in the woods, cooked breakfast on an open fire, and then took a hike! I've climbed trees (admittedly when I was in my teens although there was that one time), and I've climbed a few bluffs to look at waterfalls. Despite all the risk you can face in those environments, I never fell but one little step in an apartment building and splat. Very humiliating! The ankle is "tetchy" as they used to say. It works but it is not happy.

Sunday is gloomy and the temp 61F. I have not been outside but the house isn't very cool so it must be ok. The heat just kicked on and it only does that if it drops below 69F in here. I'm dressed in flannel PJ pants and my comfy black long-sleeved T and pink slippers all tucked up on my sofa. It is a good place to be for the moment. No, I have not started writing for the day. I'm giving the boys (Simon, Striker, and Quinn) time to get up from their fictional beds and start doing SOMETHING!

I sent Chris a copy of my intro piece on Striker. She's not commented on what she felt about Striker when she read it. But she did tell me if was very, very good and felt a bit James Bond. My love for Sean Connery is finally exposed! And Roger Moore. And Pierce Brosnen.vBut Sean will remain in my heart as the first.

Let me clear the confusion since most have not read any of the story. No, Simon is not James Bond. He can shoot but Simon does not do guns. They're messy. And tend to be unpredictable. He says he's a lover not a fighter. That's probably true. But he is trained in martial arts and he will fight as a last resort, usually to save his own skin. He is a very special kind of industrial spy so to speak. He is psychic, can "read" minds to some degree and has a special ability to "get into" peoples dreams as they sleep and obtain and insert information.

When I say "read" and "see" do not get confused with the common psychic. He doesn't sit and look at you and "know" your thoughts. He can pick up on them, he can sense other people in an area, he can see images that you are thinking in some fashion and in some limited way but by no means is this ability like the one depicted on television. He calls the things he gets "data" and they, particularly the "dream retrievals", have to be analysed after the fact to see if anything useful can be pulled from it. He works for an agency called Horus. You know, the Egyptian eye symbol called Wedjat (meaning whole or healthy). That's the agency symbol. These are NOT nice people, by the way.

Some of the information I found was amazing, to me anyway. I didn't know the history of the symbol and current modern definition give is an occult meaning, which it may, in fact, have. I'm not trying to debate it. I just needed something that seemed to fit my fictional agency. The fact that they lean to Egyptian decor helped and explained the direction of their company. So, I did research on that symbol and it is broken down into parts, that represents fractions. Very interesting to read about it being used as a mathematical equation as stated here: The Eye of Horus. The broken parts are also said to represent the five senses. One of those parts actually has to do with "thought" as shown here: The Eye or The Ujdat. So, you can understand when I tell you that when I was researching the eye I got a little freaked because everything seemed to fit with my story.

Now that you're all totally confused and/or bored, we'll move on.

Oh... it isn't just gloomy! It is raining! You know Evansville has got to be the gloomiest place anywhere! Take me home to Dixie! Let me stand on Gulf Shores with the summer sun beating on my skin, my feet in hot sand and an ocean breeze blowing in my face. Let me live in a house where I can hear the sounds of whippoorwills and birds at night and smell the pines that grow for miles and miles!

Oh, welcome to Tori, a new friend. I think she's in Germany.

Several of you mentioned yesterday the word "ramble" in connection to my posts. I suppose they are. I've never defined them as much else. If you start reading it in January 2009 it's a horror story. If you go further back, it something else. Still, it probably is a ramble in it own right. I'm trying to convert anyone, but I'm a Christian and it reflects that at times. It isn't declaring a political stance. I'm a conservative and it reflects that at times. It isn't a road map on how to live your life although I've got pretty strong opinions as to that. It is written thought rolling out and onto the screen as I think it. Sometimes I plan. Sometimes I don't. What you get, is what you see. And this is pretty much the way I live. There are glimpses into my family, who are not perfect but sometimes funny. There are glimpses into my heart of which only half remains. There are rants and sermons. I write this blog for me. If others find something they enjoy, then I've done a good thing.

I've said this before but I will again. I have people who read the "grief" part of this blog ask me why I leave my blog open. My contacts know this because they've lived it with me. I don't encourage people to read it because it is painful and exposes my insides in a very ...well to me, horrible way. The feedback from those who have read it was profoundly positive. I've had suggestions to publish it but I still can't go back and read it. So, I left it open.

The rest of the blog is open because if I close myself off I defeat the purpose of the blog. I have about 30 of the most wonderful people I've ever not met here, well except for Kat and Lisa and Cheryl. We've met! If I had closed it, if I didn't take my rambles... I'd have missed that. That would have been a great misfortune for me.

Final Del Dia

Every moment of my day is not this important. However, it is nearly over and that is probably noteworthy. My headache had clung to me like a bad smell. Not completely there and not gone. Blasted thing!

I've just got home. I left Abbey Road and the Unplugged open mic night. Actually, had it not been for this head, I might have enjoyed that. Not sure. The guy who owns it was surprisingly entertaining and not a bad singer. The kid he had up next was not either but he was young and thought so. I didn't get to hear the "real" acts because I'd been there three hours writing and was ready to find a dark place to crawl into. The crowd was a bit strange... not. . . well, just different. Probably very nice. I don't do crowds well unless I'm teaching. {shrug}

The writing... crawling along with me. I'm three days down in the count. What can I say?

The End of the Day has arrived. Gloria a Dios!