It's Friday.... MY Friday

Yes, 5 p.m. today begins my so-called vacation. Not what I had envisioned, of course, but I'll take what I can get. Work will be exceptionally tedious.

The trip to Mammoth is off. My sister is sick. Glad I didn't book a hotel.It is not my lot to go anywhere. The heat is supposed to get to 90 by Sunday. This morning it is partly sunny. Some heavy dark clouds passing over with bouts of sun breaking in. To the West it seems to have cleared a lot. Might be a pretty but I suspect warm day. Currently 66 degrees but that won't last. There is a stiff breeze.

I've had my coffee and breakfast and will now gather up my gear and head back into the mine, feet dragging, shoulders drooping, eyes downcast.

PLOP!

Eyes forward. Shoulders back, feet dragging.

Decorating and Other Woes

I was messing around with my page layout and design but I wasn't happy with the results and so gave it up after spending too much time on it. I used to spend hours learning CSS and I changed my page sometimes once a week. Now, not so much. I'm just not into it but I do get bored now and then. I saved the code for several of my pages and all I need do is past it in but I still like starting over.
I have been trying to read some. I'm reading the second and latest Richard Castle novel "Naked Heat." If you watch the t.v. show "Castle" you'll know what I'm talking about. If you don't, you won't.
To make it easier for you... The novels are written by a fictional character, Richard Castle, on a fictional ABC t.v. show called Castle. The show is about this fictional writer who shadows a detective as research for his detective novels which are about a fictional female detective and the writer who shadows her on her job. On the show, the character talks about his novels and when they are going to be available. And all the fans, me included, rush out to buy them. It is the ultimate fictional novel! And they are actually good.

The writer, Richard Castle, is played by actor Nathan Fillion. He also played on the sci-fi show, "Firefly" and it's spin-off movie, "Serenity". He is not fictional. He's real.

I could watch him sell soap. He could sell me soap. . . who am I kidding, he could sell me just about anything.

I'm thinking about going to Bowling Green with my sister and visiting Mammoth cave again or at least the area. She's never been and my last experience was not fun. She is off Friday and Saturday so we'd do it then. Nina, how far are you from Bowling Green?
So, now I'm off to bed, late again. But, tomorrow is Wednesday and only two days until I'm off for about 10 days.

The Earl

I made reference in my recent video blog to The Earl of Sandwich. I was shocked that my friend Jilly, a Brit, never heard of the Earl of Sandwich. (John Montagu, the Fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-1792) At any rate, here is a link to the short version, both informative and entertaining.

http://www.wordsources.info/words-mod-sandwich.html

The End is Not Yet

We all know the world is supposed to end today. Day isn't over but millions woke today to find themselves still here.

I was going to post this as a comment on someone's blog but realized I'd gone over board. I don't usually preach on my blog. I try to live my faith and show you how I do that by my posts. I hope I am successful. But this is one instance I'm disgusted and will give my sermon.

It is guys like the Reverend (I use the term loosely) Camping that are the reason Christians have to take a lot of flack. He's caused someone somewhere to lose their faith. He's caused fear in others for no good reason. He's made a laughingstock of believers. He has brought shame on the Word of God. Fortunately, none of those are an unforgivable sin!

Let's say someone out there was afraid he was right and knew they were not ready to meet God. Do you believe for one minute that today that person will be rushing out to find the nearest church after the obvious fake prophecy? I don't think so. They are immensely relieved he was wrong and furious that he frightened them for nothing. How stupid to use the Bible and its teachings so carelessly and foolishly.

No one can predict when God is going to call your name. Even Jesus said this in the very book this so called minister of the Gospel says he's got his information. He basically called Jesus Christ a liar and stated that he knew more than even Jesus. But he professes to be a follower!

Bottom line, God is going to come for everyone of us at some point in time. We will ALL die because it is in our nature to die. For the believer, we believe the Bible says that our current bodies can't enter heaven! Even those "caught up" in the Rapture will not be able to take their current bodies. They will be changed. Death of the body is the change, folks. So if you thought you were going to miss that, you're wrong. I may die today. You may, also. Life is filled with last moments. If that happens, we'll meet God right then. He may come back in the moment in a twinkling of an eye for millions at a time. We will meet Him right then. He called the names of thousands on 9/11. Believe me, they were not expecting it. No one was. That is the message the Bible gives to all. "For in such an hour as you think not. . ."

Regardless of how He takes you or when He takes you, you must be prepared to stand blameless before him. This too is the message that reasonable Christians believe and that the Bible teaches. We are not perfect and can't hope to be perfect before a sovereign God. The life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, in our faith, was the atonement for imperfect lives. It covers our imperfections so we can stand. If you don't believe, that doesn't change it. For us it is fact. If you do believe it and refuse to obey it, it still doesn't change it.

The end comes for everyone at some point. I can't tell you when. I can only tell you that I firmly believe there is an end, that there is life after you leave this place, and that we are accountable for the choices we make. We're going to be asked about those in detail.

Mama always said that you should live as if today is your last day on earth but plan as if you will live to be 100. It is advice I've struggled to follow. It isn't easy. But I hope that when my name is called that He finds no fault in me. And frankly, I don't need the Reverend Campings of the world to tell me when that time is coming. I'm not deaf and I'm listening for the call.

A Memorial Day Tribute

Aerial Images: Mississippi River Before and After Flooding - weather.com

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Put your cursor on the photo to see before and after images.

Day Drags Along

I'm halfway through the day and about to take my lunch break. When my co-worker is absent I tend to go later. Makes the day pass much faster. I'm leaving to pick up Mike and then go to lunch. I promised him that I'd take him today.

I worked on the  sweater a bit last night but got so tired I simply had to go to bed. I'm still tired. I think it is the weather. It is still rather gloomy and cool, only 56 degrees today and it was cold last night. I had removed my electric blanket over the weekend and when I got home I regretted it. I got some blankets and put on top of my spread and that was plenty. If all else fails I can turn the electric throw on and it will warm me up.

I have some writing to do at some point but I'm not really inclined, I think. I simply want a quiet place to relax and warm up in the sun. It seems my vacation may be a nice wash out too if the forecast are accurate. Looks as if the weather systems are still going to bring wet, gloomy weather through the next week. So, I'm not taking my vacation early. I have no intention of sitting inside watching the storms if I can possibly avoid it. I've been doing that all winter.

Honestly the who vacation idea has sort of fallen apart. I don't actually have the money to go anywhere I'd like to go and it isn't really any fun at all going alone to some place strange.

I've said all this before. I'm boring.

Ok, enough. I'm hungry and I can go eat. I just heard the boss say he was sleepy! So it isn't just me.

Disaster in Dixie - Foxx News Video

This is such a terrible situation.
http://video.foxnews.com/v/4697211/disaster-in-dixie/?playlist_id=87485#/v/4697211/disaster-in-dixie/?playlist_id=87485

Evansville citizens declared most obese - 14 WFIE, Evansville, Henderson, Owensboro

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Wow, we won?

Mom Reportedly Loses Custody of Daughter After Revealing Girl's Botox Injections - FoxNews.com

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That didn't take long. Some of you will remember this story from Chris' post last week. Shocking as it was I find this very sad. The first blow to a child's psyche.

Mississippi National River and Recreation Area - Mississippi River Facts (U.S. National Park Service)

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In light of all the media attention the flood of 2011 is receiving, I thought this would give those not as closely acquainted with the Mississippi River watershed a little better understanding of exactly how much water we're talking about. The media can tell us in gallons and cubic feet per minute and volume. But take a look at the facts about the river and this watershed that nearly 50% of the nation is a part of.

"The watershed measures approximately 1.2 million square miles, covering about 40% of the lower 48 states." When you consider how much rain has fallen in the watershed in the last 60 days and that the runoff is all racing toward these major rivers and eventually to the lower Mississippi, it is not surprising at the magnitude of what is happening in the delta region. There is a lot of water coming their way.

I think what is happening is both fascinating and very sad. This is one of the poorest areas of the country. Poverty levels are terrible. Most of these folks will lose every thing they own. Much of their livelihood comes from the river.

Alternatively, I'm a firm believer that nature does what is good for itself, meaning that floods are to be expected and are actually good for the environment. If allowed to flow normally, a new river path would have been carved out long ago and some the the problems the delta has had in recent years would have been avoided and possibly eliminated. It would be a healthier delta, albeit slight different.

Anyway, enjoy learning about this fascinating river. It is no wonder it has been featured in hundreds of stories and films.

"What Happened to the Weekend?"

She asked in confusion.

I was released from the hospital around 6 p.m. and am now ensconced in my bed with my laptop. A great investment this little computer.

I'm tired. Mike is staying with me a few days, if I can handle his fidgeting. It is more for his benefit than mine. I think he is worried. He has had very little sleep and I'm hoping to get him to go to bed tonight and sleep. I told him he has to if he stays over.

They have told me to follow up with a cardiologist if I continue to have any chest pains in the next four weeks. I really think this was an anxiety attack. But it is always better to be safe than sorry in these things.

I am considering asking Marques to let me take my vacation starting this week instead of next week. I have Friday off and that's a free day and Monday as well so that would be two days less than I would be using of my vacation time. This lets me save more vacation time for later, when things are a bit calmer. They will get calmer, won't they?

Honestly, my life feels like a roller coaster of calamity. I'm really rather tired of that. I'd take boring for a few months just to see how the other half lives.

Many thanks to all those who prayed for me and who asked prayer for me. Please continue to keep me in prayer. I know it works.

I am so blessed by your friendship. When I was able to check my email and saw all those notes and comments and then calls began to come in, I was so very touched by the concern and love that came from hundreds and thousands of miles from my hospital room. I do not know what I would do without you. And words do not begin to say it. Thank you and I pray that God will bless you because you have blessed me.

First Cup

I'm having the first cup of coffee of the day. I didn't used to drink coffee except in winter and that very very rarely. Jerry bought this coffee for me to try because he knew I liked flavored coffee. I had a terrible headache that day and it cleared it up. So, I've had a cup a day ever since. That was at least three years ago. Despite medical advice telling me to stop drinking coffee, I've not stopped. That first cup altered my life.

I didn't post last night. Once I got home, it was later than usual. After a bath and snack, I actually sat down to read my Bible when my sister called to update me on a family situation. After talking to her for about a hour I called to check on Randy because he was not well but he was asleep and I talked to Lisa, his wife for over an hour. By the time I got done it was nearly ten. I watched a show on the computer until nearly midnight.

I am tired this morning. I've had two late nights in a row and I have to stop that.

The situation we are concerned about can't be fixed or helped. I am upset but not to the extent that the others are. Not because I do not care but because I'm not there with them. That is probably a good thing.

Something happened that has simply devastated my siblings and other members of my family. Because of them I won't share it. But sometimes, choices made long ago have such far reaching repercussions. In my world view the harvest of a person's sin may not be reaped until a generation is past. Usually those who watch it my not understand it and be totally broken by such events. The Bible says that the sins of the fathers are visited on the children. That doesn't mean that the children have no choices. Life is all about choices, some good and some bad. That is what is happening in my family. There were bad choices made and there are consequences to bad choices that wound even more people.

Proverbs says that we have sown the wind and shall reap the whirlwind. In this day and age if a person doesn't think we are living in a whirlwind, they're blind. This generation is reaping the first cup of the whirlwind. We have sown our wild oats and the harvest is a bumper crop. Reaping is hard work and the bigger the crop, the harder the work. This is true in my own family.

Last night, after my calls I picked up an old Sunday school book I had found recently. It wasn't lost, just on a shelf forgotten. It was dated 1985-1988. Then, I remembered 1982, three years before I'd bought it in hardback. Jerry and I had thought we were home for good. We'd come back from Italy to our home town and were there to stay. I could see us sitting in that little church. I felt the happiness of being with my family in the place I was raised worshiping the God of my Mama. Then I remembered the choices that brought us there to that place and how it changed our life forever. Because of those choices we went down a different path. And here I am today.

We make them every day. Every minute. And they seem small taken one at a time. But the cumulative effects of choices is life altering, not just to the person making the choices but to those around them. I started a book on grief shortly after Jerry died. It was about a minister who lost his wife and son in a fiery automobile accident. I remember him saying if she had turned a different direction, if he had held her up just a few moments longer life would have been different. It seems a small thing. But it isn't. That small choice altered multiple lives. He was alone with a small daughter to raise and a church to shepherd. It was a bad choice she made that day but she couldn't know the impact it would have. You say it is life but to negate the power of choice is to make us automatons, robots who have no power to change ourselves or our circumstances. Choice is the gift of God.

If Jerry had not made a bad choice in 1982 life would have been forever altered. I caused him to make that bad choice because of something I did. By the time we realized what we'd set in motion, we were feeling the effects of it. Had I stopped to consider what my actions could set in motion, I'd have never stepped on the plane. Jerry would have still been in the military, have gotten far better medical care and may have added several years to his life. It is very possible I'd not be here alone. My actions began a series of events that have ended up hurting me more than anyone else. Life altered in an unexpected direction. I had choices. I could have made a different one.

If different choices had been made in this current family situation, at least 20 people would have taken different paths. Their lives would very possibly have been radically different. Their choices would have been effected. It is unfortunate that we can't see the effects of choices. Of course, the next generation had choices and in this instance one person's terrible choices have lead to the heartbreak of a dozen.

Joshua said to the Hebrew children "Choose you this day whom you will serve. As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

A man chooses to buy a gun for protection. He shoots his neighbor. A child decided, against parental instruction to play ball in the front yard and is hit by a car. Choices made.

Life will not be easy no matter the choices we make. I speak from experience. It will hurt in unbearable ways. Tragedy will happen. People will get sick, die, break, wound. But the choices we all make will affect these things. Consider the choices you make, look down the highway, consider the path you walk or drive. How will your life be affected by the direction you take? How will those you love be affected? Who will feel the repercussions of your choices?

You can't predict everything but you can lessen the impact of your choices if you simply choose this day whom you serve.

The Road to Work

Monday ... again. I truly despise Mondays.

I spent a miserable day yesterday. I won't do that again. Actually, I think last year may have been equally miserable but haven't checked the blog. I went to the cemetery and left some flowers. Another difficult task yesterday.

Mike and I went to church last night and I simply sat and cried nearly the whole service. Fortunately, I belong to a group to which it is not weird so one doesn't have to be embarrassed to show one's emotions. They pray for you. And prayer helps.

This road is filled with pitfalls and potholes. They are unavoidable. Darkness falls regularly. There are lights there in the darkness. Thank you to the friends who came by and offered encouragement. . . ."In the multitude of counselors there is safety." Prov. 11:14

Today I go into the mines where there is little to light the way. I am trying to find some way to make myself less negative about my job. I believe negative energy multiplies and I really don't want to be encompassed by it. I have no choice but to work. So, I have to get my head on straight so I'm not constantly miserable at my work. There are days I pray and ask God not to let anyone come in and not to let the phone ring. A lot of times it works. But I'm not silly. People have problems and questions. I'm having trouble coping with my own and dealing with theirs is very difficult.

Anyway, I have to get moving. I wasn't going to post anything this morning but decided that I needed to at least make up for the crappy one yesterday. At the moment, the sun is shinning, although a bit weakly. I hope the rain holds off.

Blue Skies

The afternoon is quite warm but filled with sunshine and blue skies. I've decided to come out and sit on the front porch and post a blog. I've not been posting much. Mainly because life is, at this point, fairly banal. Floods tend to be exciting, even if devastating for the victims. I am blessed to live on higher ground. But it is a bit anticlimactic. It is kind of like watching a ball game.

Today, I'm not going to be false. I'm probably going to post what I feel. I've been fighting all day with myself trying to tell myself that I was silly or stupid or foolish. It hasn't worked. And since I can't just fall apart because I have someone here, I might as well spill my guts on my blog. That way people can simply walk away if they get disgusted or mad.

Mike and I went to church this morning and had lunch together. I was glad he was with me even though it was my treat. It was not a good morning for me. I got no card and no flowers and no calls before I went to church. Mike said happy mother's day while I was getting ready for church. I finally called to see if Sarah and Becca were going. No.

So Mike and I went. But all I could think of through the whole service was that Jerry would have bought me a card or maybe flowers. I would have gotten a hug and probably a kiss. I told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. But it didn't feel like pity. It felt like . . . being thrown away.

I finally got a text message from David to say Happy mother's day. My aunt and my sister Roselynn called a few minutes ago. I'm sorry, I did get a card from my sister Phyllis a few days ago. And that was nice. But for some reason, none of it was the least special. I felt like an after thought to my children. And the rose the church gave to all the mothers was simply painful.

I wanted to crawl up somewhere, in a hole and disappear because I felt like I already had and I hadn't noticed.

I don't think holidays will ever mean much anymore. Every one that has passed since Jerry died has become meaningless to me. They are pointless waste of time and energy, usually mine. Jerry made mother's day, anniversary and my birthday special. I did the Thanksgiving and Christmas, his birthday and father's day. But now, one day simply runs into another. I'm not special to anyone. There are no hugs, no hands to hold, no pats on the back, no nothing. I get up and go to bed. It isn't fun anymore and there is nothing to look forward to.

I know, depressing. And I've battled the thought all day. But I've decided its fine. This is what I have to learn to deal with, to live with if I am to live at all. I'm not special. Other people surely have it worse. It just seems silly that I didn't see this before. And it makes me angry that I didn't. This was not what I was dreaming of at 12. Or 20. Or 30. There were supposed to be forever days to keep you going. You know, a really wonderful day to hang onto until the next one rolled around and they came around every few months. Only now they don't. None of them are wonderful.

So, maybe for me it would be best to just ignore these days, to step out of the norm and not do the usual thing. Make no contact and expect none. I should have taken off and shut the house and left everyone at home and found some pool somewhere I could sit and read beside with a swim every hour. No one would notice I wasn't here. I wouldn't be expecting anything.

Half Gone

It is Saturday night and I'm exhausted. I got a late start this morning, not arising until 9:30. I paid bills and sat around until nearly 1 when I picked up Mike and we went for a hotdog at Sonic. Then we went to buy groceries for him. We shopped again for tennis shoes or whatever they call them these days. I bought a pair for me. He found a pair but we had gone to Burlington to look at their selection (where I got mine). I was tied by the time we finished and we will have to go back. He went online and signed in at their site to get a coupon sent to him. That will save us a little bit and we can get them next week.

The roads are improving with several of the busiest thoroughfares now open. However, huge ponds of water still stand where they shouldn't. More rain will not help this.

Tomorrow is Mother's day. I do not anticipate any sort of celebration. Mike will go to church with me as usual. Dave is working. Becca says she and Sarah will go with us but we shall see. I don't know what else to say. I did feel sorry for Mike today. He saw some flowers and was looking at them a long time. He said, "If I had any money I'd buy those." Some things are so tragic that words do not covey how you feel.

I brought three pair of shoes this weekend. I probably wasted a good bit on the two pair of street shoes. One is a really lovely pair of low heels and the other are slip-ons with normal heel. The slip-ons I thought I could wear today instead of my usual shoes. I was too cool for sandals. Don't know why. I'm just cold-natured these days. Anyway, my feet were killing me when I walked at all. Sitting they were fine but walking was awful. So, I may have a problem wearing them as I got them to wear to work. I am frustrated because I can't seem to find any shoes anywhere anymore that don't hurt me. I simply can't walk because the shoes have no insole padding in them. And buying a bigger shoe will cause them to slid on my feet. I am wearing a pair of black house slippers now that are about all I can wear.

Ok, I'm tired and going to bed. I hope you all have a happy mother's day tomorrow.

Follow Me Friday

Downhill

I have been a bit busy. Went back to work yesterday. I do have something to post regarding my day Tuesday but have not had time to do it. I was tired last night and simply sat down and watched my shows on Hulu.

Today it feels like something is waiting to pounce. I hate that feeling. I have no defenses against it except pray for the day to go well and that no harm fall on those I love. If you've read the blog much you know I get these things now and then, with no good effect. I've begun making a habit of noting when I get these feelings. I have to have a reference point and I have to pay attention. If it is just beans I'd like to know. And I'd not mind it at all. We can all have a laugh. But if it is something else, I kind of want to know how to address it.

All right, off to work now. Hope you all have a good day. The weekend is nearing for some of you. Still a day away for me.

Cheating and God: Study ties willingness to cheat, viewpoint on what God is like - latimes.com

The telling statement in this article is "The take-home message is not whether you believe in God, but what God you believe in."

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Personally, and I'm sure there will be oppositions to it, I believe in a God of love, peace, integrity, and judgment. He doesn't think I can attain perfection, he simply expects me to try my hardest to attain the highest mark I am capable of. We are capable of far more than we believe. Honest, sincere effort in any endeavor is what counts. Failure is understood but just as I expect my children to get back on the horse, so too does the God of my faith expect me to do so. But knowing to do good and not doing it is sin. Just because a person thinks God loves them is not a licenses to cheat, steal or kill.

My mama always said a person who would steal would also kill. A thief was no better than a murder in the end. For her wrong was wrong was wrong.

Ok, this was interesting but they are simply stating what Christians have said for at least 2000 years. It isn't news except to the ignorant.

Armadillos and leprosy: The animals pass the disease to humans, study finds - latimes.com

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Who would have guessed! Thankfully, I've never been tempted to try this "treat".

A Morning Without Rain

That's a good title for a book!

The rain has stopped. I woke up to cloudy skies and the phone ringing around 9 a.m. Immediately I stepped outside to see that the water has again receded back toward the drain but it is by no means gone. There is just too much water in the system for the drains to handle it quickly. All the water here empties into the Ohio River and it is out of its banks. Any drainage areas are already inundated and can't handle run off from the streets.

This is the major problem of building cities along river banks. Water doesn't soak into streets and drives. They acts as sluices and the water rushes along them to the lowest point. What you get is backed up drains.

About half the sewers in Evansville are over 100 yrs old. They've been doing major replacement for about 5 years but it is time consuming to dig up whole streets and lay new drain and put the streets back. Weinbach, one of the streets I have to come down to get to my house, was completely torn up for three years while they replaced the entire system beneath it. It was the biggest mess and a huge inconvenience. And the money for such projects has to be obtained from .... taxpayers.

We do have fewer problem in my neighborhood. This is the 4th time in 20 years I've seen water like this on my street. But the rain we have had this past few weeks exceeds the 1937 flood levels. Our levee held but the water simply backed up or over flowed in areas where there was no levee and spread out across the region and tri-state area. This is where the borders of Indiana, Illinois and Kentucky converge as well as the Wabash and Ohio Rivers, two major rivers. I suspect just slightly further downriver where the Missouri and Mississippi converge it is in a similar state so there is nowhere for the excess from the Ohio-Wabash to go but across land. Land that is already saturated by lots of rain. It is like pouring water over a full sponge.

I'm going to get dressed and see if I can get out of the area for a short time. I'm feeling house bound today. I want to see if I can escape. May take the camera with me if I do.Although, I suspect everyone is sick of the videos by now. And I look terrible! Must do the hair today.

I think I see a bit of watery sunshine! Oh... I do. Ta Ta For Now!

Ariel View of Flooding

If you want to take a bird's eye view of our situation, here it is. You will see the are where Mike and I filmed today. Watch for the circular track or the twin bridges. That is where we crossed the river and filmed. This is truly shocking.

Man Dressed as Cow Steals Milk | NBC Washington

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Not sure what the cow was thinking.... but it is nice to read something that does not concern politics, war, storms, or violence for a change. Be sure and watch the video.

A New Car!

There she is.... ain't she purty!

Mid-Week Run

I'm back to work and I have had a headache all day long. My knees are
not real happy either. The weather is presumably the culprit since a
co-worker is having the knee problem, too.

I've had a sore throat since yesterday and I suspect walking in the
rain on Monday may be responsible for that. The headache may be a
symptom of this as well. I'm tired and don't feel well but I've
managed to shuffle through a move briefing this morning and this
afternoon, preparing the next months appointments.

Five can't arrive too soon for me. I'm really very tired and want to
take something and lie down. The rest of the week is shaping up to be
a dud.

You all know there is a new car in the parking lot. Well, new to me.
2010 Chrysler Sebring Touring. White Gold with black interior. Roomier
than my Focus and looks a lot nicer, too. I think I got a fairly good
deal and my payment is lower... but the insurance went up so I didn't
get ahead on it. I do like it and am relieved that I have a way to get
about. I don't have to call someone or postpone a trip.

While I had to postpone my overseas trip for the end of May, I have
not canceled my vacation completely. I have to do something to get
away from all this. Really get away. I want to go somewhere that I can
simply sit down and relax and not be expected to do anything for
anyone.

I have to work on the writing a bit more this week. I didn't get to do
anything while I was off. The house was filled and I was on the road
most of the days I was off. When I got home from car shopping I was
ready to drop.

Writer's meeting is tomorrow night but I don't know how many will
show. So far I'm only expecting five of us but that's plenty to go
with. Must clean up a bit this evening but it isn't that bad, really.
Just straightening up and putting away anything we left lying around.

I'm off now until I get home. Will try an post photos tonight.

Did I say it was nice to have a car again?

Rainy Days and Monday

Poured rain most of the night. More to come if you believe the weather maps. Lots more.

We haven't gone car hunting yet. We will later today. I have to take Dave to work and Becca to an interview. He would have done that but had to start his job and she doesn't drive... well, she doesn't have a license. And this afternoon I have to drop her at another appointment. So, my car hunting is going to be punctuated by running for others. I also have Sarah during all this. Not sure how effective we'll be in the car department. But I'm glad Dave got a job so I don't mind so much. And tomorrow I'll ban everyone from the house.

I shall post updates as they occur.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Rain, pouring rain all weekend long and no end in sight! I have to shop for a car in the pouring rain! This is just dreadful.

No, we did not hunt eggs. We could float them but didn't. I'm not sorry and Sarah doesn't know she missed a thing. They had bags of candy filled eggs for the children this morning so she was fine with it. Although, we do not let her sit and eat candy.

I came home and worked on the sweater this afternoon. My aunt and uncle are on their way here. I expect them around seven but we will be at church. I've left them a way into the house so they won't have to sit in the car for two hours. I'm on my way out now, into the downpour and will return later.

Ahoy there, maties! Heave to and hoist the mainsail!

Fit for A King

I'm all dressed in my Easter finery and waiting for my chariot... well, my ride to church. Everyone will be going today but Dave and he has to work.

I know there are numerous folks will be making merry with prize eggs and bunnies and chicks. We didn't do eggs this weekend because it has been pouring rain for days and would only be a mess. I don't particularly miss it. I don't believe in Easter bunnies and eggs. I loved hunting the as a child but you can hunt eggs any time.

There will be numerous folks all decked out today the way we will be. They will be excited because they have a new outfit and will look the best they have looked in a long time.

I not need to search in an empty tomb for the prize. I am dressed in a new garment that bears neither spot or wrinkle. The prize lies in the fact that the tomb is empty. Everyone can win and everyone can wear a garment fit for a King because He lives.

A Real Friday, At Last!

I'm home today. Didn't get up until 8:30. I had to take Dave to his new job and keep Sarah for Becca to have a glucose tolerance test at the lab. She's in the sandbox and I'm here watching out the window. She will start daycare on Monday for Becca to do the Impact program through the state. This, I hope will all help them get on their feet. Impact is a program designed to help families find jobs and become self sufficient. It doesn't work for many because until you have a job you have to go to class. Most of the recipients are lazy I know. They're on my program and more than a few get sanctioned for refusing to participate. Most do it because while in the program you can get financial assistance as well.

Anyway, I'm here in the dinning room/den watching out the window as she sails across the yard in her bakery sandbox. She is always baking. I suspect that someday, Sarah may want to be a cook.

I took a break of about 30 minutes and washed dishes and vacuumed up sand.... The rain started and Sarah has had to come inside. Once I was done with chores, we opened doors and windows and let the freshening breeze blow through the house. We spent several minutes on the porch watching the rain but I am getting pretty tired of opening doors, moving kitchens, and other items. She doesn't seem to like playing alone. I never had the problem with the boys and can only assume it is because she has adults home with her all day.

Becca says she plays in her room but since we don't actually have a play room that's not possible. And she doesn't like going in any room here alone. I've never understood that about her. She always acts as if someone is going to jump out at her.

She just wanted to close the door and I told her no that I liked the breeze. She said, "O.k. I'm going out here and ignore you." I told her, "That's o.k. I'll ignore you, too." Her cold shoulder lasted about two minutes. She is developing her manipulation techniques. I'm not easily manipulated.

It is going on 11 now and I really need to get up and do several things... namely sleeves.

Oh, I wanted to thank everyone for their comments on The Watcher. That story has not been really edited. I did a few grammar checks and spell check but not much else. I was just glad to get something on paper. I like the way the picture generated ideas.

I'm off to do something else. HRH is calling.

Tis Thursday!

Eight hours between me and a long weekend! I am so thankful.

I went to bed before midnight last night. Is that not astounding? In fact, I think I was in bed before 11:30. At any rate, this morning is the first in ages that I have not had to get up and feel as if I were still in the middle of a deep sleep. I was sleepy but not as much as usual. I hope today will productive and wakeful.

I must get to bed before 10. That is the goal to shoot for. I think it was the summer after Jerry died when I was doing that and I was not having nearly the pain problems I've had since. Could have been last summer but I don't think so. I can't actually separate those two years ... odd. I mean, they seem to be blended when I try and think "did I do that in 09 or 10".

Sun is shinning but 43 is not warm. I'm o.k. with it. It is still too early for 80 degree weather. I don't think it is good for plants and animals either. But it would be lovely to have a nice 68 degree weekend... without rain. I want to dye eggs with Sarah and hunt eggs. I want to look for a car and dry weather is better for that.

I didn't crochet last night. I watched television shows on HULU. I actually cooked food. Had black-eyed peas!

Oh... got to run. Time to leave for work.

Howdy Neighbor!

That's what I've been saying to Sarah lately when I see her. She now says it to me with a grin.

I've been busy as a bee. Just got back from the bank. I got two more refund checks on the car loan! I can't figure out where it is coming from! But that means another $500 on the down payment. I'm very glad for all that.

I've finished the shawl. Did I tell that already? I finished it Sunday. And now I need to work on the sweater. Or jacket, as Sarah called it. I've been writing a short piece based on a one of my computer wallpapers. I'll post it for you soon as I feel it is finished.

I've been working on my story for the group critique. Not sure what I'll have done but we shall see. I'm struggling with structure.

I do not sleep well at all without the doxepin. But the trade off is I'm exhausted all day the next day, as if I didn't get enough sleep. So, starting today I'm taking it every other night. I'm hoping once I adjust to it, I can go back to every night. Either way, the sleep is much better with than without. I had a restless night last night without and had a nightmare. I also have more aches and pains without it. The dizziness I've been plagued with is better but no completely gone. I still get mild bouts of it and my ears still fell a bit congested. I can't get to physical therapy for it because I have no way to go.....

Same old song.

I'm going to bed earlier tonight. I did last night and that may be why I was restless. I don't know. I slept but kept waking up, particularly after the nightmare. Very unsettling. I don't handle them so well anymore. Used to, if I woke from one, I would be fine once I woke and saw Jerry. Now, I look around at the doors and windows because I feel as if I'm being watched. Not fun when you've dreamed something is after you or whatever I dreamed. And when I go back to sleep it is a nervous sleep rather than a good rest. I'll wake a couple more times with a start.

I'm on my way to shower and more comfortable clothing. Hope your evening is pleasant.

The Universal Prayer

Lord, I believe in you: increase my faith.
I trust in you: strengthen my trust.
I love you: let me love you more and more.
I am sorry for my sins: deepen my sorrow.

I worship you as my first beginning,
I long for you as my last end,
I praise you as my constant helper,
and call on you as my loving protector.

Guide me by your wisdom,
correct me with your justice,
comfort me with your mercy,
protect me with your power.

I offer you, Lord, my thoughts: to be fixed on you;
my words: to have you for their theme;
my actions: to reflect my love for you;
my sufferings: to be endured for your greater glory.

I want to do what you ask of me:
in the way you ask,
for as long as you ask,
because you ask it.

Lord, enlighten my understanding,
strengthen my will,
purify my heart,
and make me holy.

Help me to repent of my past sins
and to resist temptation in the future.
Help me to rise above my human weaknesses
and to grow stronger as a Christian.

Let me love you, my Lord and my God,
and see myself as I really am:
a pilgrim in this world,
a Christian called to respect and love
all whose lives I touch,
those in authority over me
or those under my authority,
my friends and my enemies.

Help me to conquer anger with gentleness,
greed by generosity,
apathy by fervor.
Help me to forget myself
and reach out toward others.

Make me prudent in planning,
courageous in taking risks.
Make me patient in suffering,
unassuming in prosperity.

Keep me, Lord, attentive at prayer,
temperate in food and drink,
diligent in my work,
firm in my good intentions.

Let my conscience be clear,
my conduct without fault,
my speech blameless,
my life well-ordered.

Put me on guard against my human weaknesses.
Let me cherish your love for me,
keep your law,
and come at last to your salvation.

Teach me to realize that this world is passing,
that my true future is the happiness of heaven,
that life on earth is short,
and the life to come eternal.

Help me to prepare for death
with a proper fear of judgment,
but a greater trust in your goodness.
Lead me safely through death
to the endless joy of heaven.

Grant this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

~ Attributed to Pope Clement XI (23 July 1649 – 19 March 1721)

Sailing with Sarah

I'm sitting on the patio at the moment. When I got home Dave and Becca were cutting my yard. It looks very nice now with the grass cut and green. Sarah was pretending the patio is a ship and she was the crew. We were the passengers. Now she has found her way to the sandbox and is playing.

There is a cool breeze blowing and the sun has now begun to set. I will soon go inside and get ready for bed. I like my back yard and this time of year is always my favorite. I wish I didn't have to work. I'd be back here all day.

The Cardinals are back and chirping up a storm. The bright red is clearly visible in the new foliage of the trees. I saw two males earlier. They'll find a lady to fight over and soon there will be a pair and the lone male will have to find a new territory.

I will close this now and get something to eat.

Wednesday Nite Visit

Sarah came over tonight because she had cabin fever and had overwhelmed her parents. She's been just fine. Played in the sandbox, watched a move, got a bath and played till Dave picked her up at 9. I think she was in a good mood and but was suffering cabin fever. She sees the same people all the time and gets bored.

I am going to bed. My medicine is working. I've been sleeping hard and fast and so I'm going to keep doing it. We canceled the writer's meeting tomorrow night. I have nothing written. I was sick for a couple of weeks and this last week I've been exhausted. The doxepin makes me sleep really good but I have to get enough hours or I'm tired the next day. I haven't got it balanced yet.

So, off to bed I go. TTFN

Euphemisms

I have always loved language and particularly the English language. We
speakers of English, both the pure English and those who bastardize
it, have found strange and often amusing expressions to describe what
we think and feel. One source of a great number of our expressions
comes from the Bible. I said once I'd post some of them.

Today I ran across one that reminded me.

Take "He's half-baked." That's in the Bible. Hosea 7:8 says: "Ephraim,
he hath mixed himself among the people; Ephraim is a cake not turned.
" Ephraim is half-baked.

Another is "I escaped by the skin of my teeth." Job 19:20 says: My
bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the
skin of my teeth.

I'll drop these in as I run across them.

Solar Roads?

The wave of the future? And an absolutely brilliant idea!
http://www.wimp.com/solarhighways/

And Back to Saturday Again

I am finishing off my coffee and getting ready to take a hot shower so I can sit and pay bills. I went to bed a bit later than I intended but not as late as usual. I spent my evening watching t.v. shows on HULU and crocheting the shawl.

Last Saturday as I was getting in my sister's car the car door fell on me and as I wasn't in the car, it hit the side of my head just over the lobe of my left ear and my head was slammed into the roof of the car on the right side. Basically, my head was smacked on both sides. It hurt so bad I sat in the car and cried for about five minutes. And I knew it was going to be very painful before it was over. I have had pain all week in the left side of my neck and back. A migraine resulted on Friday and I had to take a pill for that. The pain simply grew worse each day until yesterday. There wasn't much I could do to prevent it.

Care for a rehash of the last month? Feb 27 car totaled. First two weeks of March spend wrestling with no car, insurance and stress resulting for both. Third week, dizzy spell from fluid behind the ears resulting in hours spent in ER and a week where I felt horrible all week. Fourth week, smack on the head and pain all week with headache and dizziness.

I am glad March is over.

The writer's meeting went well last Thursday. I think I mentioned it but maybe not. You can see above that the whole month has been pretty rotten. Even the weather didn't cooperate much. I can only say the dizzy spells have improved with my taking the antihistamine. I had a follow up doctor's appointment yesterday and he is sending me to physical therapy to see if the last of the dizziness can be dealt with that way. If you look up vertigo treatments you will find that PT is used as treatment for some cases.

I need to go find eye glasses but again, I'm needing transportation to do so. I think I really need them because my eyes have just bothered me a lot more recently. Of course the dizziness may be a culprit.

This afternoon I am going to the Home Show with Carolyn. She got free tickets and invited me. This is basically a huge vendor show at the stadium where you can look at things to improve your home and buy services and things you want. I don't know that I want anything but it can be interesting. On thinking about it this morning, I'm not sure it was a good idea. The walking isn't fun on concrete floors and my neck doesn't like being turned a lot.

The above was written at 8:41 a.m. this morning. It is now 1:20 and I'm eating lunch after doing some laundry, cleaning and arranging my bedroom back the way it was when Jerry died. The dust was terrible. I still have several loads of laundry and more dusting to do. My allergies are really bad and so I have to get this under control.

I got all the bills paid. Then, I got a note from the state in the mail saying Mike was cut off his food stamp assistance because he quit his job for no reason. So, now I have to find a way to feed him. I've filed an appeal. He didn't quit the job. He went in to get his form completed for the food stamp program and the guy told him he had quit. We had no way to do anything about it. I'm hoping that the job he had a Clark Security will fix it but no clue.

I now have to go get dressed to go to the Home Show. Carolyn will be here in 30 minutes.

Nearly There!

It is Thursday and I, for one am thrilled. The week is nearly over and I will be able to put work behind me for at least two days. The weather is terrible. Gray and gloomy and cold. Yuck. Pain is manageable but it is pain. Took benadryl again last night but I'm still having motion issues.

I have a doctor appointment this morning and they are supposed to draw blood. I usually go a week before the appointment but have not had transportation to the lab. I have to do a fasting test and that means going to the lab as early as possible, say 7:30. I can't go much beyond 10 without eating or at least drinking orange juice. So, to day, I will do the lab work while there, either after the appointment or if I arrive early enough, before.

I have writer's meeting tonight. It was supposed to be my night but with all that is going on, I'm not prepared. I hate that. But Cassie switched with me so it will be fine. I have until the middle of April to get my act together.

I got her submission yesterday and read it last night. It is a short story she submitted in her Violence in Fiction class. I must say it was really well written. Cassie is only about 22 and in college so her writing tends to be geared to that age and the behaviors are fairly common among her set. Lots of drinking, drugs, and stupidity but she writes well and it was a different slant on a not unusual situation. Best friends move to big city, they party and drink a lot, one gets pregnant by party boy and begs her friend to do something to cause her to miscarry (she calls it an "MC") because she can't afford an abortion or an "A" as she calls it.

So, we'll see how the rest of the group likes it. I am guessing they will like it fine. Her writing is, as I said good.

Must get my gear together and be ready when my ride gets here. I'll be back later if time permits. Meeting begins at 6:30.

Washington man dies trying to revive dead wife - USATODAY.com

Link

I can't describe this except to say I found it so very sad but so understandable. If I had I been the one to die on January 29, this would have happened.

Washington man dies trying to revive dead wife - USATODAY.com

Link

Chugging Along

I have an eye appointment today. Since I'm taking an antihistamine I'm not sure how that is going to go. I'm very sluggish. But I have to say, taking it all day yesterday helped. Around 7 p.m. last night I felt better. I actually lay down when I got home and took a short nap. I felt better and actually did some crochet.

I remembered I am supposed to be ready for a critique on Thursday. I haven't got a thing prepared! I had begun something but this balance issue simply threw me off track and I never went back to it.

It is now 2 p.m. and I'm back from my doctor appt with dilated eyes. I can't hardly see. I have all the lights off in my office and everything still looks as if I'm viewing it through that thick plastic we used to put over our windows. I've had this done twice before but it was never this bad. My appointment was at 11 and took over an hour. He's a very thorough doctor. I've used him for 22 years. He's been eye doctor to all of us.

I don't feel very well because the eyes are making me dizzy when I try and walk. So, I'm not going to get out of my chair much. Still viewing the computer screen is difficult, too.The nice thing is that I can actually type with my eyes closed and not worry about it. LOL... of course I'll have to open them eventually to make sure I don't have too many errors.

I mentioned I did some crochet last night. I have been working on Sarah's sweater but last night I took a break from it and began a shawl. I'm making it for a family member. I am going to like it. It is a simple shawl done all in single crochet. No fancy design and it will be all white but it does look very pretty. I do like to crochet and it really is therapeutic. I would encourage anyone stressed to try it. It helps me a lot when my mind is just overwhelmed with things.

I must go now and see if I can do some work. I may be back this evening, depending on how I feel. I want to go lie down at the moment.



 

Sunday Without A Clue

I have no original title today. Sarah came over around two and is currently taking a nap before we go to church. My sister is off and she is coming to pick us up. It is a rare thing for her to be off.

Mike spend the weekend but he is home getting ready for church.

I had an atrocious weekend. Just really not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad and I'm so very tired of being that way. I'm lost. That is all I know. I feel thrown back to 2009. No bearings, no compass. Trying to buy a car was far to stressful. I felt as if I was simply going to explode until I got out of the place.

I did not buy a new car. It was lovely and drove really well and they gave me the hard sell. All the reasons I needed it. They were right. But I do not need a 6.3 yr loan to buy a car that will be worn out in 5. No. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have any idea but I do know that a loan that large for a car is insane.

I'll be 62 in 8 yrs. If God is gracious and I live that long and the world has not annihilated itself, I will be probably leave that job. I can't afford to be saddled with a house payment and a car payment. I will need to be able to survive on a very small income, 1/3rd of what I make now. For less that what I will pay for that car, I can have three used ones in that time. Assuming I can find one now.

So, I'm still without wheels. My friend is taking a cruise in April so I don't know how I'll get to work then. She'll be gone about a week. I can call a taxi I guess. It might be cheaper to rent a car for that week.

I am tired of being tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've decided to try really hard not to take the ativan. I don't like the potential side effects and addiction potential. In my current state it is too easy to rely on a pill. I've been off St John's Wort for about a month now. I ran out and was only able to get to the store two weeks ago but I can't take it with the ativan.

Honestly I'm just sick of taking a pile of pills that seem to do nothing for me anyway. This is no way to live. I thought for a bit during last summer I might be getting clear of it all but now I just don't know. I feel as bad as ever and less able to cope than I have been in a long time.

And I'm just scared. All the time. I'm frightened of being alone. I'm frightened of something happening to me here. I'm frightened of something happening to one of the children and I can't help them. I'm frightened of something happening to my job. I am living like a hunted thing, waiting for something to happen and bring my life crashing down. I have no one, absolutely no one to turn to in an emergency. I've never had to live like that. I don't know what to do to stop it. I don't think another pill is the answer.

I've said enough. More than enough. I don't like spilling all this out here but what am I supposed to do with it?

A Saturday Search

I am supposed to go look for cars today. My sister has loaned me her car and Mike is supposed to go with me. I find I do not want to go car hunting. I know it is crazy because I keep saying I want, I need a car. But I don't want to go.

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea what questions to ask. I have no idea what to look for or listen for. And Mike is not going to be any help either. He knows next to nothing, although he will tell you differently. He tries but he really doesn't know. Jerry did teach him a lot of stuff about working on the car. He can change brakes on the front. He has done spark plugs and oil but with supervision. Those are a bit tricky.

It is another slap in the face in some ways. I have no one to turn to either. There are no friends that I can ask. Like me they don't know. Women just don't make a point to learn these things and car salesmen know it.

In all honesty, I do not feel I should buy one right now. I tend not to listen to my gut at times. I'm feeling this dread and pressure. But I have to go and at least look and maybe talk to the dealer.

It is already noon so I need to get started. Maybe we can do lunch at the same time. I'll let you know how it goes.

How to Take a Vacation

I just want to know where I apply.... oh... I make too much money for this... never mind.

Where I've Been You Don't Want to Go

I sent an email to Kat tonight when she checked up on me. I am more or less quoting it here because, well, it is easier than retelling it.

I've had a pretty bad week. The weekend was terrible. I felt rotten. On Monday after lunch I felt o.k. but had a very bad dizzy spell in the car and my friend had to stop until it passed.

I got back to work and decided I was not feeling very good and went to the ER. I have fluid behind my eardrums. They gave me meclizine but I can't take that and work. I'm supposed to take 1 tablet, 4x a day! I'd be under the desk if I did that. Meclizine will put you down. So, I got some benadryl and am going to try taking that at night when I get home. That's all I can do at this point. My doctor is out of the office all week. Spring Break for him too I guess. They suggested I go to the ER.

I waited in the ER from 1 p.m. until 4 p.m. to go back and didn't get out of there until 6 p.m. I got so ticked when they started calling people who came in after I did that I approached them about it. They said it depended on the severity. I asked, "So if I fall out of the chair I'll get seen?" and walked off. I was going to call David and tell him to come get me. By this time my back was killing me.

A woman with a child who had been there less time than I got taken back. The boy had been playing video games the whole time... he was the patient? I would not have been so tic'd if they had taken the woman who came in after me and had been vomiting for two solid hours. The woman with the child was back there less than 30 minutes and he came out walking and playing that video game!

Once they got me back they did a CAT scan and an EKG and both checked out ok. So that was good. Now I just have bouts of dizziness and feel like crap. I'm concerned and edgy about it. It feels "wrong". It is probably a good thing I don't have a car at this point. I couldn't drive with this.

Because of all this I am not able to take some of my medicines due to the excessive drowsiness. I've had vertigo before in the mid 90's when I got an inner ear infection. It was much worse than this but I didn't feel sick... just flat out exhausted. I'm exhausted and feel horrible.

I'm supposed to go check some cars on Saturday but I really don't want to get another car payment at this point. I'm having some physical problems I can't seem to get past and I'm concerned I won't be able to work. If that happened, a car payment would sink me for sure. I want to just find something I can get for a couple of thousand and be done. If I need to go somewhere long distance, I can rent a car for a week for one car payment. So it isn't a big deal to me. Repairing a used car can't be any more expensive than buying a new one. I can bank those payments and use it to do repair if needed.

Anyway, I've just been to tired to do more than make a few comments on the blogs. I feel generally lousy. I think part of this is allergy related and has set up a chain reaction. I'm sneezing, coughing, my head doesn't feel right, visual issues that may or may not be a ocular migraine. Who knows!

So, there you have it, the last five days in a nutshell! Sorry I have been out of pocket but I am just flat out tired.

When A Man Has Had Enough

Sent to me by a friend.

Source of photo is unknown.

Public Safety Workers Blast Ohio City's Decision to Lower Police Recruit Standard - FoxNews.com

Link

This astounds me. I respect our law enforcement personnel. I appreciate the job the good ones do. They have a dangerous and thankless job.

I now hoave a question or two. Don't these other races mind being called stupid? I mean... to complain that a test is too hard because you are a minority just seems to me to be highly insulting. Orientals from various nations of the East have amazingly high scores in American schools and when they apply to American Universities. So I don't believe any race is dumber than another.

I have no idea what is on this test that would need to be dumbed down. I mean, it isn't a matter of cultural difference. For heaven's sake it is a POLICE examination. What would they be testing you on? Math, language skills, reading ability? What? And do I want a stupid police officer? Oh... wait... we have lots of them!

Sorry. Soap box here. If you believe you can't pass a test because you are not white... well, I won't disagree. Because that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It is also an insult to people like George Washington Carver and Booker T Washington, Lewis Latimer, Granville T Woods, Elijah McCoy, men who proved that that their race would not hold them back. The faced obstacles that the current generation has never and will never know. They didn't get "easier" tests. They obtained greatness through sheer determination and hard work.

O.k. I'm done. Save your mail.

How to Identify a Meth Lab...In case you were wondering...

All That Matters

This has been the longest week. Monday was so long ago I can't even tell you what I did! I got a lot of work done this week and am in a very good place there. I pray it holds, that no disasters rear their heads.

I am stressed over not having a car. I can't leave my house without trying to find someone to take me where I need to go. I have stayed home. There are buses but the stops are half mile from the house and I don't see lugging things home that far. I can't carry a handbag anymore for very long so carrying bags of anything would be a very bad idea. But I've got food for the moment. I just can't go look for a car.

I had lunch on Thursday with my friend, Loraine, from the Writers' Asylum. Loraine is so quiet! I feel like I simply babble on and she sits and listens politely, smiling. She's so nice. I told her that next time she has to tell me to be quiet and let her get a word in! Sometimes, I can't seem to stop the flow and I know it is because I have so few opportunities to really have a conversation with a responsible adult who listens to me. It is an embarrassing realization. I am thankful for those in my group who have volunteered to be ears and give of their time.

For the most part I've managed to keep the wolves at bay except when I go to bed at night and the house is dark and silent. I have to always put on some classical music so I don't go totally crazy. Sometimes I have to call someone, usually Becca, and lie in the dark and ask her to talk to me for a bit. I simply have not adjusted to the nights and do not, at this point, think I ever will. I despise the isolation it brings. I am always isolated but the darkness makes me notice it more. Several nights I've grabbed the crochet and started counting stitches just to block everything out but the sound of math. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I no longer look for answers actually. It just is. I don't like it. I am not happy. I no longer expect to be.

In fact, I have realized that I don't expect much of anything these days. I don't really think about tomorrow. I found myself sitting here a few nights ago and I realized I was thinking about nothing. I seem to be living in the moment. I need to eat. I need to drink. I need to sleep. Make this bed. Turn on the washer. Put these in the dryer and these in the washer. Answer the phone. Brush my teeth. Check mail. Go to bed. I know it sounds crazy but that is exactly what my day, every day is like. I have no idea what to do next most of the time. Life seems to have ground to halt and moves forward only when required.

My friend, Ron, in Michigan emailed me that his father is in the hospital and he thinks he will die soon. His father is in his 90's. Of course, Ron thinks it is "just life" and seems quite calm about the whole thing. But I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have emailed me at all for something as simple as "just life". He said he did not want sympathy. I gave it anyway and told him "This is harder than you pretend it is. You won't know it until it is over".

Why do people want to pretend that death will not touch them? It is such a foolish belief. He barges in and rips us apart without any thought to what we think or how we feel about anything. It doesn't matter. For him, it is personal. He comes unannounced, takes his prize, and leaves misery in his wake. I will never be whole again because of death.

I do not wish to offend anyone's sensibilities about death being "sweet release", the "door to a better life". If you feel that way, good for you.  I won't mind being in heaven. I'd mind the other place. It is the manner in which I'm forced to travel that I have a problem with. You see, I've stared into the dead eyes of my soul. I will never be able to view it any differently. I can't ever erase the sounds and sight of it. For me, it is eternally a nightmare.

If you still can't understand, go find the video of the volunteer firefighter in Japan. When the sirens went off he left his family at home and went to do his job. Watch his face when he returned home and realized his entire family is gone - wife, children, and grandchildren. All dead. He is not young. There is no starting over. All that mattered washed away.

So, the week ends. I'm glad it is over. I'm glad I survived another day. Only, as with the end of every week, I know that it doesn't matter. In one second of time everything changes. All that matters is swept away on the tide.

Watching the Dust Form

My insurance payment hit the bank but I still have my deductible to pay. I have it in my savings. It was part of my plane ticket. Not all of it, but about half. I still want to take that trip. But for whatever reason it will have to wait until later in the year. Life has a way of doing unexpected things. Seems I get more than the average but I've ceased to expect a normal day. Watching the horror unfold in Japan I am again reminded that the truly important things in life are not brick and mortar or flashy cars and the finest neighborhood. All of that can disappear in minutes. For the last couple of days all I've wanted was to pull my family around me and hold on. They would think I'm crazy. But they can disappear so quickly and you can't call it back.

For now, I'm going to take what I was making on car payments and pay it on my house. If I can get that paid down some it would be a big relief and a lot of money saved. I'd love to have it paid off in half the time I have left. I have 11 years to go so in about 6 years... still seems a long time. I have a way to work and that is all I need for now. Dave can take me to the store if I need something. I can't get to church but nothing says I can't have church at home. No one here but me and the good Lord. I don't suppose He'll mind.

It gets very isolated here. The writing group meeting again helps but since I can't seem to write anything sensible anymore I'm not sure how long that will last. I'm just so tired when I get home I can't do much but sit in a chair and stare at the walls, watching the dust form. That is what I did for hours tonight. I finally crocheted for about an hour just so I wouldn't go insane. I'm headed for bed now. There is nothing else to do so it is probably a good plan.

New Treaty Would Ban Space Weapons for Earthlings and ETs

Link

I have a couple of questions here.

Who is going to impose the sanctions should the aliens refuse to comply?

Who is going to enforce the treaty?

And if the ET's have a hundred warship hovering over earth, exactly what do we think we're going to do about it?

Scroll down in this story and take a look at the woman who proposes all this. I swear she's from the planet Hoth. (See second Star Wars Movie) Is that a hood on her head or her hair? Did anyone tell this woman that if she wants to be taken seriously she has to use a comb! And hair pins. And hair spray... lots of hair spray.

My stars and garters, folks, is this really of national interest? Is it of even local interest?

It does make good bathroom reading.

Will March 19 'Supermoon' Trigger Natural Disasters? - Yahoo! News

Link

I'm sure, like me, many people laughed at this. After all, an astrologer is the source...this is not a science. That would be astronomy. No, this is prognostication of the more psychic sort.

If you read past that part, you will find some scientific support for the theory. There was a terrible earthquake in Australia. When that happened I began watching to see where the "opposite" quake would happen. Laugh at me if you want. It is as good a way to predict them as the stars. My loose theory is that when a major quake happens in one location, within a few months, somewhere relatively opposite that quake, on a fault zone, another serious quake will occur.

See, I live on the New Madrid Fault line. The northern most end. I'm interested in quakes as I work in the bottom of a building that is about seven or eight stories. These days I get nervous when a quake hits somewhere opposite my location because I've held this theory long enough to believe in my own predictions. Oh yes I have. So, I've been waiting silently. I mean, people would think I was nuts if I told it. But now I've put it in my blog you will all remember it. And think I'm nuts. You're laughing.

But, in light of that astrologist predictions and Japan... maybe it isn't so funny now?

Writers' Asylum Meeting 03/10/11

As usual it was fun to meet with my group. There is always a lot of laughing. I was glad for all who turned out on such a cold night. They arrived in pairs - Doug & Melina, Cassie & Loraine - all driving their own cars. I told them it felt like the ark. Loraine admitted to wearing long johns and I don't blame her a bit.It was freezing outside. I did pump the heat up so we could stay warm. Doug brought his famous salsa and chips. Loraine brought cookies to die for. I provided water, chips, fig newtons and grapes. Was there something else?

Doug was up. We had a good time critiquing the short story he is working on. Everyone had input on it. The overall consensus seems to be that we like it. It is shaping up to be a good story.

Melina read a short piece she wants to develop in which the character is delusional. We were able to give her some, we hope, useful feedback on it.

Cassie shared her phobias of creepy crawlies and other things. She was in rare form. She suggested some interesting movies and books for both Melina and Doug to read about crazy people, well, disturbed people anyway. She will be presenting us with her 25 page story that she did for a class. It will be coming early because of the length.

Alas, Kathy could not join us. She emailed to say she would be away.

The next meetings are as follows:
March 31. It will be my turn in the box. Everyone get your forks out.
April 14. Cassie is up
April 28 Melina is up.

We'll talk about the Spring rotation at the next meeting.

Busy Day at Home

I took today and tomorrow off to try and get the last of my car business sorted out. The rental goes back to day and I'm going to be stranded. I have a way to work but other than that, it is Pat and Bob (right and left leg) unless someone is available to haul me.

My sister will but she works insane hours so it won't be easy. David will I think but again, availability is in question. He wasn't this morning when I wanted him to go to the dealer with me. I don't guess it matters. I just didn't want to go alone.

Jerry helped me with all this stuff last time, getting a car and sorting it out. Actually, he just lent me moral support and I could talk to him about the car, the money, the paperwork. I think I just needed someone with me to be that moral support. But I went alone. And it was very hard. The man who helped me was nice but I really needed Jerry there to ask questions. I almost cancelled the Gap coverage before I got it across to the man that I wanted them to pay. I told him to tell the guy who sold me my car to get in touch with me. Hopefully, he'll be as helpful this time as he was before.

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to that. I have not taken that extra BP since Monday and I felt much better Tuesday and Wednesday night. I did have to take the Ativan last night and my neck is better today. I also took Tylenol to address any back pain that was causing the neck pain. So.. I'm drugged up! Not. I fell fine actually. A bit down but I the trip to the car dealer caused that... and the fact that I won't have wheels. That's frightening to me...never thought it would be. I can walk perfectly fine and I could walk the three blocks to the bus stop if all else fails. But I can't haul parcels home with my back and neck problems. Oh, never mind. I'm whinning.

I've just had bread and jam for lunch. Yes. I did. Seems these days I don't have much appetite. I come home and get nearly sick before I eat and then only because I have to to stop being sick. I don't want food. Lunch is the only real meal I eat and I'd skip that if I didn't get ill. I realized a few weeks ago that I was very much like that when I was younger and first married. I at a sandwich at lunch and cooked for Jerry when he got home. We at supper together, a small supper for a small budget. Then when the children came, I had to fix three meals a day and we were eating a bit more because the budget got better. After the kids all left we did what we wanted and we'd eat out. Now, I've come full circle but there is no Jerry to cook for at night. I eat lunch to avoid cooking at night. I have very little "meal" stuff in the house. Cans, jars of sauce, some meat in the fridge, ceral, rice, and mac 'n' cheese is all there is. I keep bread and sandwich fixin's.

If I can keep my head this clear, I might be able to write for my next critique. I simply got witless on this medicine! It was about the most horrible I've ever felt.

I'm learning some new crochet stitches. I quite like doing the videos. But they are quite unprofessional. I know. I've seen the good ones. But they are such fun. And I flub so much when I'm telling stuff. LOL, but doing crochet is just a lot of fun. I can't believe I go too busy to do it for so long. And there are such beautiful things to make. Like Jilly, I want them all.

If you are following the videos and links, keep practicing. It is well worth it. Once you master the basic chain the other stitches are easier to learn. And some of the unique stitches are very beautiful.

I've nothing to add now. I'm on my third cup of coffee. That can't be good but I don't care. I'm home and I'm happy at home, as happy as I'm every likely to be. I just wish someone would roll back the clouds and give us four sunny days!

Oh... I am going to get a refund on my warranty that will cover my deductible. GAP should pick up the rest but the man at the dealer's told me they tend to take 4-8 weeks to pay. Figures. There will be a minimum 5 day hold on the check unless the bank can clear it sooner. They will try. So, I'm looking at about two the weeks just to get the basic cleared. If the difference in my insurance and my deductible is less than $100 I'm not waiting for that darn gap. I have to buy a car. They can pay me back.

How to Crochet #6

Dozens of How to's, patterns and ideas for anyone from beginner to expert.

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/index.php

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/instruction_directory.php

A Quickie.. or is is Quiche?

I'm off to work today. I found the culprit that was making me exhausted and foggy. The extra BP med when I got home from work! I skipped it last night and was able to do laundry, wash dishes, get papers sorted out for the insurance and well.. get the idea.

Now must call the doctor.

Also discovered that my extended warranty may pay me up to $3000 toward another car in addition to my insurance paying off the loan. Must get that sorted later today. Please, to my praying contacts, pray about this as I need that to get a decent car. That would just be the amount I thought I was going to have to come up with! It would be wonderful if they do.

I feel much better today than I have in two weeks but I do wish I could stay home and do things around the house. It is a rainy, gloomy day and I would just love to sit and watch the rain if nothing else.

Hope to be back later tonight. I've felt so bad I haven't been able to do much in the evening and so busy at work that I haven't had time.

More Crochet Instructions

I've put some additional links here to anyone interested in learning more about the abbreviations for stitches and the size of hooks. Lion Brand Yarn and Redheart Yarn both have sites with tons of information, tutorials and free, yes, FREE patterns for various skill levels. You can download them in PDF or print them out. I've started a note book of my favorites.
Links
The following is a great video for basic stitches! Better than mine

http://www.redheart.com/learn/videos/learn-crochet-5-basic-crochet-stitches

http://www.lionbrand.com/http://cache.lionbrand.com/cgi-bin/faq-search.cgi?store=/stores/eyarn&learnToCrochet=1

http://www.redheart.com/http://www.dummies.com/how-to/crafts-hobbies/Crocheting.html

http://www.karpstyles.com/crochet/crochet-abbreviations.html

http://www.craftyarncouncil.com/chart_crochet.htmlhttp://www.craftyarncouncil.com/tip_crochet.html

http://www.craftyarncouncil.com/crochet.html

The Serpentine Road

I was sitting here in my library paying my bills, sorting through the huge mass of paperwork that seems to accumulate here. Sarah likes it when I call the study the library which, in fact, is just another bedroom.

I despise paying bills. Not because I don't have the money to pay them. God has blessed me with enough funds to pay the people I owe and still have a few dollars left to eat on. I'm truly thankful for that blessing. But I hate money in general and I hate shuffling it around.

During my attempt to sort it all out and clear off the desk, I ran across photos of people I love and people who love me. That's a nice thing to find after you've been handling bills. Their faces smile up at me and I feel lighter. But homesick. I ran across photos from the luncheon the church gave after the funeral and I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and children and aunt and uncle. But Jerry isn't there. They are beautiful photos of everything in my life that is important save one. So, sadness follows.

Sadness is a constant companion but one who doesn't nag me to cheer up, get over it, etc. I can function with sadness. The Ativan has helped with the impending doom feeling that had begun to follow me after every simple life event, every shock, every frustration. I haven't taken St. John's Wort in nearly two weeks and don't feel the need. So, not depression... anxiety = constant stress of simply living.

Throughout the last two years I've been learning how to tread water. It gets very tiring at times but one keeps doing it because to stop means to drown. Life under normal conditions is trying. I do not live under normal conditions.

I think that most of the time life feels like a serpentine road that is filled with more twist and turns than you could ever imagine when you start the journey. At twelve I dreamed of a home and family and children and for a little while I had what I dreamed of and I think we were happy. I did not dream of this day. I started the journey along that road with a chimera.

The dream became a nightmare. I tried to wake him from a nightmare that night. Instead of waking him, I was pulled into it. I've never shared a nightmare before. I never want to again.

The road ended at a cliff and I fell off into a vast ocean and had to learn to swim. I hope that the beach I find myself on is not a desert island and that there is a bridge to the mainland that will connect me with something other than the nightmare.

I'm not dreaming anymore. I am not looking forward. I'm trying not to look back. I am simply looking at the moment I am in and hoping that around the next curve the road will not fall away and drop me into another ocean.

Here Comes the Sun

For Cheryl... they say it is always there somewhere.

From on of my favorite Beatles

The Payout

I just got a call from Matt @ GEICO and they will pay all my car off
but my $500 deductible. So, I'll break even I think... well, not
exactly. I have to pay the $500 AND then find a way to buy another
car. I have about twice my deductible in savings. I was saving that
for a plane ticket. I should get my deductible back from the other
insurance company but they said it could take months.

So, now I'm rethinking how to take my trip. I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I
may have to take it later in the year, possible as late as fall. I'm a
bit disappointed but I'm not giving up my plans entirely. First I plan
to get a vehicle with a lower payment, as low as possible. I'd like to
pay half of what I'm paying now. I would then have money to put aside
for the trip. By my calculations by the middle or late summer I'd have
the money for the ticket. In addition, a cheaper car payment! So, that
is one scenario

I'm praying for a really good car deal. Everyone of you pray for me in
this and if you don't pray, well, do whatever you do! By next weekend
I hope to be on my way to finding a new vehicle. I did like my little
Ford Focus.

The hooker party last night was a success. At least I had a good time.
Kathy and Cassie did very well. Kathy caught on fast but she knew how
to chain pretty well. Cassie had more difficulty but by the end of the
evening I could see a great improvement. Loraine is a better teacher
than I am. I'm a lefty and teaching a righty to crochet seems to be a
bit confusing. For me, it is like looking in a mirror but apparently
rightys can't do that.

Food was good and we spent a lot of time laughing. These girls are
very funny. Doug heard and said next time he might join us but he'd
bring a different craft.

I do not know why I am so very exhausted when I get home. I am
wondering if it is my BP med. I take this med in the morning too but
don't recall feeling that tired. It is an unreal exhaustion. I don't
take my Ativan until 9 p.m. so I know it isn't that.

I have to get to work. I've been back and forth to this post for over
an hour. They are testing the fire alarms here now and it is very
annoying! One of them is right outside my door. I keep jumping every
few minutes when it sounds.

Sorry I've been erratic in posting lately but I've been too tired at
night to bother with anything. I hope to catch you all later.

Unphotographable: Burqa Discount Bin Conditioner

Link
Very cool site. Lots of ideas here.

A Small Experiment

This is Thursday. You all know I got a new medication, Ativan, on my
last doctor's visit. I started taking it over the weekend. It stopped
the anxiety I was feeling. I only take it at night, despite his
prescribing it twice a day. I have to work and it won't allow me to do
that. However, I did not take it on Monday night. I had to see, of
course, if and how well it was working. One looses one's perspective
when you are this far on the bottom. There are no windows in a well,
just a skylight. So, I elected to not take it .

I was fine on Tuesday and even Tuesday night. I was a little stressed
because the news of Jerry's cousin's husband dying but I was aware it
upset me talking to her. Had it been anyone else I might have fared a
little bit better but there is an emotional component with Deirdre
because I've always loved her and I felt her pain so badly. She had
such a rotten childhood and was pregnant at 16. She later found a man
who was good to her and they have a son, too. But she has terrible
health now. Her husband sat down on the bed and simply fell over dead.
He'd complained of chest pain for two days! {sigh} I don't know. Men.
She has no money except disability, no home, no place to go. Her son
is in the military. Their son is at home with her. It can be much
worse ladies than I have it. I did not ask her about funeral expenses
or anything else.

Wednesday I was o.k. but feeling a bit pressured in the afternoon. Not
unduly I didn't think. But when I got home, I didn't feel well and I
wandered around. Sarah came over for about two hours. While I enjoyed
seeing her I still felt bad and when she left I was barely able to
move. For days I've found myself absolutely exhausted to the point I
could hardly walk by eight p.m. I mean falling over, unable to keep my
eyes open and head up exhaustion. I have been so tired it was
frightening. Last night I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated
that pill. AI was concerned at how tied I was. I did not want to take
it but I was at a point I knew it was going to be a bad night. I
finally took it and turned out the light. I had to call Becca and have
her talk to me for about half an hour so my mind would stop circling.
I think I went to sleep as soon as she hung up.

They also changed my blood pressure dosage. I'm taking an extra pill
when I get home. Then, my regular dose a 9 p.m. My bp at 10 p.m. last
night was 118 over 77! I haven't been that low in decades. This
morning it was 128 over 88. Again, almost normal but low for me.

So, now wondering if the exhaustion is the increased BP meds. If so,
I'm not sure how to handle that. It doesn't do that to me in the
morning so I'm thinking not. Anyway, I'm recording these events so
I'll have a record for the doctor.

I feel fine this morning, a bit tired but fine. I could take a nap if
offered one.

The insurance adjuster called me yesterday. He said he'll see the car
in 3 to 5 days and get back with me as soon as possible. Geico is "da
bomb". They have been super nice and on top of this from the
beginning. I am duly impressed and I don't impress easily. Everyone,
every call they are courteous and answer questions without acting like
they are doing you a favor.

Now, back to the mines. I'd like to have a clean desk by 5 p.m. ....
if I don't fall asleep.

Accident Report

I got the accident report this morning and spoke with the other
insurance. I've faxed it to both companies. If I don't hear something
by noon, I'm probably going to tell my company to go ahead. I need a
car. My company was willing to go ahead and pay even without the
report. But I really feel her company should pay out.

Anyway, maybe by Thursday I will know if they total the car.

Oh... The other driver was at fault. She admitted it to the officer!
Well, she is only 23.

Back Into the Breach....Whatever

I'm waiting for my ride to work. I still have not heard from the other insurance. If I don't hear today the I will have to go through my insurance and pay whatever deductibles I can scrape up. I will have to hope that my insurance can recover the funds from the other insurance. I will have to pay for the trip to the er for Mike.

I will once again wipe put my savings,Story of my life.

Well, I might have a rental car by Thursday at any rate.

Sun is shining brightly today. At least, for now. I don't know for how long.It says it is 28 degrees out there. Actually, it looks cold from the windows.

It is now 7:20 and I've been waiting for Dave for over 10 minutes. That's the thing about Dave. He drags around. I will have a car by Thursday. My co-worker called five minutes and offered to pick me up but I paid Dave to do it and I need him to get the police report for me. I don't want to miss any more work and he knows where to go.

I'm off now to get my gear together and stand at the door.