And Back to Saturday Again

I am finishing off my coffee and getting ready to take a hot shower so I can sit and pay bills. I went to bed a bit later than I intended but not as late as usual. I spent my evening watching t.v. shows on HULU and crocheting the shawl.

Last Saturday as I was getting in my sister's car the car door fell on me and as I wasn't in the car, it hit the side of my head just over the lobe of my left ear and my head was slammed into the roof of the car on the right side. Basically, my head was smacked on both sides. It hurt so bad I sat in the car and cried for about five minutes. And I knew it was going to be very painful before it was over. I have had pain all week in the left side of my neck and back. A migraine resulted on Friday and I had to take a pill for that. The pain simply grew worse each day until yesterday. There wasn't much I could do to prevent it.

Care for a rehash of the last month? Feb 27 car totaled. First two weeks of March spend wrestling with no car, insurance and stress resulting for both. Third week, dizzy spell from fluid behind the ears resulting in hours spent in ER and a week where I felt horrible all week. Fourth week, smack on the head and pain all week with headache and dizziness.

I am glad March is over.

The writer's meeting went well last Thursday. I think I mentioned it but maybe not. You can see above that the whole month has been pretty rotten. Even the weather didn't cooperate much. I can only say the dizzy spells have improved with my taking the antihistamine. I had a follow up doctor's appointment yesterday and he is sending me to physical therapy to see if the last of the dizziness can be dealt with that way. If you look up vertigo treatments you will find that PT is used as treatment for some cases.

I need to go find eye glasses but again, I'm needing transportation to do so. I think I really need them because my eyes have just bothered me a lot more recently. Of course the dizziness may be a culprit.

This afternoon I am going to the Home Show with Carolyn. She got free tickets and invited me. This is basically a huge vendor show at the stadium where you can look at things to improve your home and buy services and things you want. I don't know that I want anything but it can be interesting. On thinking about it this morning, I'm not sure it was a good idea. The walking isn't fun on concrete floors and my neck doesn't like being turned a lot.

The above was written at 8:41 a.m. this morning. It is now 1:20 and I'm eating lunch after doing some laundry, cleaning and arranging my bedroom back the way it was when Jerry died. The dust was terrible. I still have several loads of laundry and more dusting to do. My allergies are really bad and so I have to get this under control.

I got all the bills paid. Then, I got a note from the state in the mail saying Mike was cut off his food stamp assistance because he quit his job for no reason. So, now I have to find a way to feed him. I've filed an appeal. He didn't quit the job. He went in to get his form completed for the food stamp program and the guy told him he had quit. We had no way to do anything about it. I'm hoping that the job he had a Clark Security will fix it but no clue.

I now have to go get dressed to go to the Home Show. Carolyn will be here in 30 minutes.

Nearly There!

It is Thursday and I, for one am thrilled. The week is nearly over and I will be able to put work behind me for at least two days. The weather is terrible. Gray and gloomy and cold. Yuck. Pain is manageable but it is pain. Took benadryl again last night but I'm still having motion issues.

I have a doctor appointment this morning and they are supposed to draw blood. I usually go a week before the appointment but have not had transportation to the lab. I have to do a fasting test and that means going to the lab as early as possible, say 7:30. I can't go much beyond 10 without eating or at least drinking orange juice. So, to day, I will do the lab work while there, either after the appointment or if I arrive early enough, before.

I have writer's meeting tonight. It was supposed to be my night but with all that is going on, I'm not prepared. I hate that. But Cassie switched with me so it will be fine. I have until the middle of April to get my act together.

I got her submission yesterday and read it last night. It is a short story she submitted in her Violence in Fiction class. I must say it was really well written. Cassie is only about 22 and in college so her writing tends to be geared to that age and the behaviors are fairly common among her set. Lots of drinking, drugs, and stupidity but she writes well and it was a different slant on a not unusual situation. Best friends move to big city, they party and drink a lot, one gets pregnant by party boy and begs her friend to do something to cause her to miscarry (she calls it an "MC") because she can't afford an abortion or an "A" as she calls it.

So, we'll see how the rest of the group likes it. I am guessing they will like it fine. Her writing is, as I said good.

Must get my gear together and be ready when my ride gets here. I'll be back later if time permits. Meeting begins at 6:30.

Washington man dies trying to revive dead wife - USATODAY.com

Link

I can't describe this except to say I found it so very sad but so understandable. If I had I been the one to die on January 29, this would have happened.

Washington man dies trying to revive dead wife - USATODAY.com

Link

Chugging Along

I have an eye appointment today. Since I'm taking an antihistamine I'm not sure how that is going to go. I'm very sluggish. But I have to say, taking it all day yesterday helped. Around 7 p.m. last night I felt better. I actually lay down when I got home and took a short nap. I felt better and actually did some crochet.

I remembered I am supposed to be ready for a critique on Thursday. I haven't got a thing prepared! I had begun something but this balance issue simply threw me off track and I never went back to it.

It is now 2 p.m. and I'm back from my doctor appt with dilated eyes. I can't hardly see. I have all the lights off in my office and everything still looks as if I'm viewing it through that thick plastic we used to put over our windows. I've had this done twice before but it was never this bad. My appointment was at 11 and took over an hour. He's a very thorough doctor. I've used him for 22 years. He's been eye doctor to all of us.

I don't feel very well because the eyes are making me dizzy when I try and walk. So, I'm not going to get out of my chair much. Still viewing the computer screen is difficult, too.The nice thing is that I can actually type with my eyes closed and not worry about it. LOL... of course I'll have to open them eventually to make sure I don't have too many errors.

I mentioned I did some crochet last night. I have been working on Sarah's sweater but last night I took a break from it and began a shawl. I'm making it for a family member. I am going to like it. It is a simple shawl done all in single crochet. No fancy design and it will be all white but it does look very pretty. I do like to crochet and it really is therapeutic. I would encourage anyone stressed to try it. It helps me a lot when my mind is just overwhelmed with things.

I must go now and see if I can do some work. I may be back this evening, depending on how I feel. I want to go lie down at the moment.



 

Sunday Without A Clue

I have no original title today. Sarah came over around two and is currently taking a nap before we go to church. My sister is off and she is coming to pick us up. It is a rare thing for her to be off.

Mike spend the weekend but he is home getting ready for church.

I had an atrocious weekend. Just really not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad and I'm so very tired of being that way. I'm lost. That is all I know. I feel thrown back to 2009. No bearings, no compass. Trying to buy a car was far to stressful. I felt as if I was simply going to explode until I got out of the place.

I did not buy a new car. It was lovely and drove really well and they gave me the hard sell. All the reasons I needed it. They were right. But I do not need a 6.3 yr loan to buy a car that will be worn out in 5. No. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have any idea but I do know that a loan that large for a car is insane.

I'll be 62 in 8 yrs. If God is gracious and I live that long and the world has not annihilated itself, I will be probably leave that job. I can't afford to be saddled with a house payment and a car payment. I will need to be able to survive on a very small income, 1/3rd of what I make now. For less that what I will pay for that car, I can have three used ones in that time. Assuming I can find one now.

So, I'm still without wheels. My friend is taking a cruise in April so I don't know how I'll get to work then. She'll be gone about a week. I can call a taxi I guess. It might be cheaper to rent a car for that week.

I am tired of being tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've decided to try really hard not to take the ativan. I don't like the potential side effects and addiction potential. In my current state it is too easy to rely on a pill. I've been off St John's Wort for about a month now. I ran out and was only able to get to the store two weeks ago but I can't take it with the ativan.

Honestly I'm just sick of taking a pile of pills that seem to do nothing for me anyway. This is no way to live. I thought for a bit during last summer I might be getting clear of it all but now I just don't know. I feel as bad as ever and less able to cope than I have been in a long time.

And I'm just scared. All the time. I'm frightened of being alone. I'm frightened of something happening to me here. I'm frightened of something happening to one of the children and I can't help them. I'm frightened of something happening to my job. I am living like a hunted thing, waiting for something to happen and bring my life crashing down. I have no one, absolutely no one to turn to in an emergency. I've never had to live like that. I don't know what to do to stop it. I don't think another pill is the answer.

I've said enough. More than enough. I don't like spilling all this out here but what am I supposed to do with it?

A Saturday Search

I am supposed to go look for cars today. My sister has loaned me her car and Mike is supposed to go with me. I find I do not want to go car hunting. I know it is crazy because I keep saying I want, I need a car. But I don't want to go.

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea what questions to ask. I have no idea what to look for or listen for. And Mike is not going to be any help either. He knows next to nothing, although he will tell you differently. He tries but he really doesn't know. Jerry did teach him a lot of stuff about working on the car. He can change brakes on the front. He has done spark plugs and oil but with supervision. Those are a bit tricky.

It is another slap in the face in some ways. I have no one to turn to either. There are no friends that I can ask. Like me they don't know. Women just don't make a point to learn these things and car salesmen know it.

In all honesty, I do not feel I should buy one right now. I tend not to listen to my gut at times. I'm feeling this dread and pressure. But I have to go and at least look and maybe talk to the dealer.

It is already noon so I need to get started. Maybe we can do lunch at the same time. I'll let you know how it goes.

How to Take a Vacation

I just want to know where I apply.... oh... I make too much money for this... never mind.

Where I've Been You Don't Want to Go

I sent an email to Kat tonight when she checked up on me. I am more or less quoting it here because, well, it is easier than retelling it.

I've had a pretty bad week. The weekend was terrible. I felt rotten. On Monday after lunch I felt o.k. but had a very bad dizzy spell in the car and my friend had to stop until it passed.

I got back to work and decided I was not feeling very good and went to the ER. I have fluid behind my eardrums. They gave me meclizine but I can't take that and work. I'm supposed to take 1 tablet, 4x a day! I'd be under the desk if I did that. Meclizine will put you down. So, I got some benadryl and am going to try taking that at night when I get home. That's all I can do at this point. My doctor is out of the office all week. Spring Break for him too I guess. They suggested I go to the ER.

I waited in the ER from 1 p.m. until 4 p.m. to go back and didn't get out of there until 6 p.m. I got so ticked when they started calling people who came in after I did that I approached them about it. They said it depended on the severity. I asked, "So if I fall out of the chair I'll get seen?" and walked off. I was going to call David and tell him to come get me. By this time my back was killing me.

A woman with a child who had been there less time than I got taken back. The boy had been playing video games the whole time... he was the patient? I would not have been so tic'd if they had taken the woman who came in after me and had been vomiting for two solid hours. The woman with the child was back there less than 30 minutes and he came out walking and playing that video game!

Once they got me back they did a CAT scan and an EKG and both checked out ok. So that was good. Now I just have bouts of dizziness and feel like crap. I'm concerned and edgy about it. It feels "wrong". It is probably a good thing I don't have a car at this point. I couldn't drive with this.

Because of all this I am not able to take some of my medicines due to the excessive drowsiness. I've had vertigo before in the mid 90's when I got an inner ear infection. It was much worse than this but I didn't feel sick... just flat out exhausted. I'm exhausted and feel horrible.

I'm supposed to go check some cars on Saturday but I really don't want to get another car payment at this point. I'm having some physical problems I can't seem to get past and I'm concerned I won't be able to work. If that happened, a car payment would sink me for sure. I want to just find something I can get for a couple of thousand and be done. If I need to go somewhere long distance, I can rent a car for a week for one car payment. So it isn't a big deal to me. Repairing a used car can't be any more expensive than buying a new one. I can bank those payments and use it to do repair if needed.

Anyway, I've just been to tired to do more than make a few comments on the blogs. I feel generally lousy. I think part of this is allergy related and has set up a chain reaction. I'm sneezing, coughing, my head doesn't feel right, visual issues that may or may not be a ocular migraine. Who knows!

So, there you have it, the last five days in a nutshell! Sorry I have been out of pocket but I am just flat out tired.

When A Man Has Had Enough

Sent to me by a friend.

Source of photo is unknown.

Public Safety Workers Blast Ohio City's Decision to Lower Police Recruit Standard - FoxNews.com

Link

This astounds me. I respect our law enforcement personnel. I appreciate the job the good ones do. They have a dangerous and thankless job.

I now hoave a question or two. Don't these other races mind being called stupid? I mean... to complain that a test is too hard because you are a minority just seems to me to be highly insulting. Orientals from various nations of the East have amazingly high scores in American schools and when they apply to American Universities. So I don't believe any race is dumber than another.

I have no idea what is on this test that would need to be dumbed down. I mean, it isn't a matter of cultural difference. For heaven's sake it is a POLICE examination. What would they be testing you on? Math, language skills, reading ability? What? And do I want a stupid police officer? Oh... wait... we have lots of them!

Sorry. Soap box here. If you believe you can't pass a test because you are not white... well, I won't disagree. Because that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It is also an insult to people like George Washington Carver and Booker T Washington, Lewis Latimer, Granville T Woods, Elijah McCoy, men who proved that that their race would not hold them back. The faced obstacles that the current generation has never and will never know. They didn't get "easier" tests. They obtained greatness through sheer determination and hard work.

O.k. I'm done. Save your mail.

How to Identify a Meth Lab...In case you were wondering...

All That Matters

This has been the longest week. Monday was so long ago I can't even tell you what I did! I got a lot of work done this week and am in a very good place there. I pray it holds, that no disasters rear their heads.

I am stressed over not having a car. I can't leave my house without trying to find someone to take me where I need to go. I have stayed home. There are buses but the stops are half mile from the house and I don't see lugging things home that far. I can't carry a handbag anymore for very long so carrying bags of anything would be a very bad idea. But I've got food for the moment. I just can't go look for a car.

I had lunch on Thursday with my friend, Loraine, from the Writers' Asylum. Loraine is so quiet! I feel like I simply babble on and she sits and listens politely, smiling. She's so nice. I told her that next time she has to tell me to be quiet and let her get a word in! Sometimes, I can't seem to stop the flow and I know it is because I have so few opportunities to really have a conversation with a responsible adult who listens to me. It is an embarrassing realization. I am thankful for those in my group who have volunteered to be ears and give of their time.

For the most part I've managed to keep the wolves at bay except when I go to bed at night and the house is dark and silent. I have to always put on some classical music so I don't go totally crazy. Sometimes I have to call someone, usually Becca, and lie in the dark and ask her to talk to me for a bit. I simply have not adjusted to the nights and do not, at this point, think I ever will. I despise the isolation it brings. I am always isolated but the darkness makes me notice it more. Several nights I've grabbed the crochet and started counting stitches just to block everything out but the sound of math. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I no longer look for answers actually. It just is. I don't like it. I am not happy. I no longer expect to be.

In fact, I have realized that I don't expect much of anything these days. I don't really think about tomorrow. I found myself sitting here a few nights ago and I realized I was thinking about nothing. I seem to be living in the moment. I need to eat. I need to drink. I need to sleep. Make this bed. Turn on the washer. Put these in the dryer and these in the washer. Answer the phone. Brush my teeth. Check mail. Go to bed. I know it sounds crazy but that is exactly what my day, every day is like. I have no idea what to do next most of the time. Life seems to have ground to halt and moves forward only when required.

My friend, Ron, in Michigan emailed me that his father is in the hospital and he thinks he will die soon. His father is in his 90's. Of course, Ron thinks it is "just life" and seems quite calm about the whole thing. But I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have emailed me at all for something as simple as "just life". He said he did not want sympathy. I gave it anyway and told him "This is harder than you pretend it is. You won't know it until it is over".

Why do people want to pretend that death will not touch them? It is such a foolish belief. He barges in and rips us apart without any thought to what we think or how we feel about anything. It doesn't matter. For him, it is personal. He comes unannounced, takes his prize, and leaves misery in his wake. I will never be whole again because of death.

I do not wish to offend anyone's sensibilities about death being "sweet release", the "door to a better life". If you feel that way, good for you.  I won't mind being in heaven. I'd mind the other place. It is the manner in which I'm forced to travel that I have a problem with. You see, I've stared into the dead eyes of my soul. I will never be able to view it any differently. I can't ever erase the sounds and sight of it. For me, it is eternally a nightmare.

If you still can't understand, go find the video of the volunteer firefighter in Japan. When the sirens went off he left his family at home and went to do his job. Watch his face when he returned home and realized his entire family is gone - wife, children, and grandchildren. All dead. He is not young. There is no starting over. All that mattered washed away.

So, the week ends. I'm glad it is over. I'm glad I survived another day. Only, as with the end of every week, I know that it doesn't matter. In one second of time everything changes. All that matters is swept away on the tide.

Watching the Dust Form

My insurance payment hit the bank but I still have my deductible to pay. I have it in my savings. It was part of my plane ticket. Not all of it, but about half. I still want to take that trip. But for whatever reason it will have to wait until later in the year. Life has a way of doing unexpected things. Seems I get more than the average but I've ceased to expect a normal day. Watching the horror unfold in Japan I am again reminded that the truly important things in life are not brick and mortar or flashy cars and the finest neighborhood. All of that can disappear in minutes. For the last couple of days all I've wanted was to pull my family around me and hold on. They would think I'm crazy. But they can disappear so quickly and you can't call it back.

For now, I'm going to take what I was making on car payments and pay it on my house. If I can get that paid down some it would be a big relief and a lot of money saved. I'd love to have it paid off in half the time I have left. I have 11 years to go so in about 6 years... still seems a long time. I have a way to work and that is all I need for now. Dave can take me to the store if I need something. I can't get to church but nothing says I can't have church at home. No one here but me and the good Lord. I don't suppose He'll mind.

It gets very isolated here. The writing group meeting again helps but since I can't seem to write anything sensible anymore I'm not sure how long that will last. I'm just so tired when I get home I can't do much but sit in a chair and stare at the walls, watching the dust form. That is what I did for hours tonight. I finally crocheted for about an hour just so I wouldn't go insane. I'm headed for bed now. There is nothing else to do so it is probably a good plan.

New Treaty Would Ban Space Weapons for Earthlings and ETs

Link

I have a couple of questions here.

Who is going to impose the sanctions should the aliens refuse to comply?

Who is going to enforce the treaty?

And if the ET's have a hundred warship hovering over earth, exactly what do we think we're going to do about it?

Scroll down in this story and take a look at the woman who proposes all this. I swear she's from the planet Hoth. (See second Star Wars Movie) Is that a hood on her head or her hair? Did anyone tell this woman that if she wants to be taken seriously she has to use a comb! And hair pins. And hair spray... lots of hair spray.

My stars and garters, folks, is this really of national interest? Is it of even local interest?

It does make good bathroom reading.

Will March 19 'Supermoon' Trigger Natural Disasters? - Yahoo! News

Link

I'm sure, like me, many people laughed at this. After all, an astrologer is the source...this is not a science. That would be astronomy. No, this is prognostication of the more psychic sort.

If you read past that part, you will find some scientific support for the theory. There was a terrible earthquake in Australia. When that happened I began watching to see where the "opposite" quake would happen. Laugh at me if you want. It is as good a way to predict them as the stars. My loose theory is that when a major quake happens in one location, within a few months, somewhere relatively opposite that quake, on a fault zone, another serious quake will occur.

See, I live on the New Madrid Fault line. The northern most end. I'm interested in quakes as I work in the bottom of a building that is about seven or eight stories. These days I get nervous when a quake hits somewhere opposite my location because I've held this theory long enough to believe in my own predictions. Oh yes I have. So, I've been waiting silently. I mean, people would think I was nuts if I told it. But now I've put it in my blog you will all remember it. And think I'm nuts. You're laughing.

But, in light of that astrologist predictions and Japan... maybe it isn't so funny now?

Writers' Asylum Meeting 03/10/11

As usual it was fun to meet with my group. There is always a lot of laughing. I was glad for all who turned out on such a cold night. They arrived in pairs - Doug & Melina, Cassie & Loraine - all driving their own cars. I told them it felt like the ark. Loraine admitted to wearing long johns and I don't blame her a bit.It was freezing outside. I did pump the heat up so we could stay warm. Doug brought his famous salsa and chips. Loraine brought cookies to die for. I provided water, chips, fig newtons and grapes. Was there something else?

Doug was up. We had a good time critiquing the short story he is working on. Everyone had input on it. The overall consensus seems to be that we like it. It is shaping up to be a good story.

Melina read a short piece she wants to develop in which the character is delusional. We were able to give her some, we hope, useful feedback on it.

Cassie shared her phobias of creepy crawlies and other things. She was in rare form. She suggested some interesting movies and books for both Melina and Doug to read about crazy people, well, disturbed people anyway. She will be presenting us with her 25 page story that she did for a class. It will be coming early because of the length.

Alas, Kathy could not join us. She emailed to say she would be away.

The next meetings are as follows:
March 31. It will be my turn in the box. Everyone get your forks out.
April 14. Cassie is up
April 28 Melina is up.

We'll talk about the Spring rotation at the next meeting.

Busy Day at Home

I took today and tomorrow off to try and get the last of my car business sorted out. The rental goes back to day and I'm going to be stranded. I have a way to work but other than that, it is Pat and Bob (right and left leg) unless someone is available to haul me.

My sister will but she works insane hours so it won't be easy. David will I think but again, availability is in question. He wasn't this morning when I wanted him to go to the dealer with me. I don't guess it matters. I just didn't want to go alone.

Jerry helped me with all this stuff last time, getting a car and sorting it out. Actually, he just lent me moral support and I could talk to him about the car, the money, the paperwork. I think I just needed someone with me to be that moral support. But I went alone. And it was very hard. The man who helped me was nice but I really needed Jerry there to ask questions. I almost cancelled the Gap coverage before I got it across to the man that I wanted them to pay. I told him to tell the guy who sold me my car to get in touch with me. Hopefully, he'll be as helpful this time as he was before.

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to that. I have not taken that extra BP since Monday and I felt much better Tuesday and Wednesday night. I did have to take the Ativan last night and my neck is better today. I also took Tylenol to address any back pain that was causing the neck pain. So.. I'm drugged up! Not. I fell fine actually. A bit down but I the trip to the car dealer caused that... and the fact that I won't have wheels. That's frightening to me...never thought it would be. I can walk perfectly fine and I could walk the three blocks to the bus stop if all else fails. But I can't haul parcels home with my back and neck problems. Oh, never mind. I'm whinning.

I've just had bread and jam for lunch. Yes. I did. Seems these days I don't have much appetite. I come home and get nearly sick before I eat and then only because I have to to stop being sick. I don't want food. Lunch is the only real meal I eat and I'd skip that if I didn't get ill. I realized a few weeks ago that I was very much like that when I was younger and first married. I at a sandwich at lunch and cooked for Jerry when he got home. We at supper together, a small supper for a small budget. Then when the children came, I had to fix three meals a day and we were eating a bit more because the budget got better. After the kids all left we did what we wanted and we'd eat out. Now, I've come full circle but there is no Jerry to cook for at night. I eat lunch to avoid cooking at night. I have very little "meal" stuff in the house. Cans, jars of sauce, some meat in the fridge, ceral, rice, and mac 'n' cheese is all there is. I keep bread and sandwich fixin's.

If I can keep my head this clear, I might be able to write for my next critique. I simply got witless on this medicine! It was about the most horrible I've ever felt.

I'm learning some new crochet stitches. I quite like doing the videos. But they are quite unprofessional. I know. I've seen the good ones. But they are such fun. And I flub so much when I'm telling stuff. LOL, but doing crochet is just a lot of fun. I can't believe I go too busy to do it for so long. And there are such beautiful things to make. Like Jilly, I want them all.

If you are following the videos and links, keep practicing. It is well worth it. Once you master the basic chain the other stitches are easier to learn. And some of the unique stitches are very beautiful.

I've nothing to add now. I'm on my third cup of coffee. That can't be good but I don't care. I'm home and I'm happy at home, as happy as I'm every likely to be. I just wish someone would roll back the clouds and give us four sunny days!

Oh... I am going to get a refund on my warranty that will cover my deductible. GAP should pick up the rest but the man at the dealer's told me they tend to take 4-8 weeks to pay. Figures. There will be a minimum 5 day hold on the check unless the bank can clear it sooner. They will try. So, I'm looking at about two the weeks just to get the basic cleared. If the difference in my insurance and my deductible is less than $100 I'm not waiting for that darn gap. I have to buy a car. They can pay me back.

How to Crochet #6

Dozens of How to's, patterns and ideas for anyone from beginner to expert.

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/index.php

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/instruction_directory.php

A Quickie.. or is is Quiche?

I'm off to work today. I found the culprit that was making me exhausted and foggy. The extra BP med when I got home from work! I skipped it last night and was able to do laundry, wash dishes, get papers sorted out for the insurance and well.. get the idea.

Now must call the doctor.

Also discovered that my extended warranty may pay me up to $3000 toward another car in addition to my insurance paying off the loan. Must get that sorted later today. Please, to my praying contacts, pray about this as I need that to get a decent car. That would just be the amount I thought I was going to have to come up with! It would be wonderful if they do.

I feel much better today than I have in two weeks but I do wish I could stay home and do things around the house. It is a rainy, gloomy day and I would just love to sit and watch the rain if nothing else.

Hope to be back later tonight. I've felt so bad I haven't been able to do much in the evening and so busy at work that I haven't had time.

More Crochet Instructions

I've put some additional links here to anyone interested in learning more about the abbreviations for stitches and the size of hooks. Lion Brand Yarn and Redheart Yarn both have sites with tons of information, tutorials and free, yes, FREE patterns for various skill levels. You can download them in PDF or print them out. I've started a note book of my favorites.
Links
The following is a great video for basic stitches! Better than mine

http://www.redheart.com/learn/videos/learn-crochet-5-basic-crochet-stitches

http://www.lionbrand.com/http://cache.lionbrand.com/cgi-bin/faq-search.cgi?store=/stores/eyarn&learnToCrochet=1

http://www.redheart.com/http://www.dummies.com/how-to/crafts-hobbies/Crocheting.html

http://www.karpstyles.com/crochet/crochet-abbreviations.html

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The Serpentine Road

I was sitting here in my library paying my bills, sorting through the huge mass of paperwork that seems to accumulate here. Sarah likes it when I call the study the library which, in fact, is just another bedroom.

I despise paying bills. Not because I don't have the money to pay them. God has blessed me with enough funds to pay the people I owe and still have a few dollars left to eat on. I'm truly thankful for that blessing. But I hate money in general and I hate shuffling it around.

During my attempt to sort it all out and clear off the desk, I ran across photos of people I love and people who love me. That's a nice thing to find after you've been handling bills. Their faces smile up at me and I feel lighter. But homesick. I ran across photos from the luncheon the church gave after the funeral and I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and children and aunt and uncle. But Jerry isn't there. They are beautiful photos of everything in my life that is important save one. So, sadness follows.

Sadness is a constant companion but one who doesn't nag me to cheer up, get over it, etc. I can function with sadness. The Ativan has helped with the impending doom feeling that had begun to follow me after every simple life event, every shock, every frustration. I haven't taken St. John's Wort in nearly two weeks and don't feel the need. So, not depression... anxiety = constant stress of simply living.

Throughout the last two years I've been learning how to tread water. It gets very tiring at times but one keeps doing it because to stop means to drown. Life under normal conditions is trying. I do not live under normal conditions.

I think that most of the time life feels like a serpentine road that is filled with more twist and turns than you could ever imagine when you start the journey. At twelve I dreamed of a home and family and children and for a little while I had what I dreamed of and I think we were happy. I did not dream of this day. I started the journey along that road with a chimera.

The dream became a nightmare. I tried to wake him from a nightmare that night. Instead of waking him, I was pulled into it. I've never shared a nightmare before. I never want to again.

The road ended at a cliff and I fell off into a vast ocean and had to learn to swim. I hope that the beach I find myself on is not a desert island and that there is a bridge to the mainland that will connect me with something other than the nightmare.

I'm not dreaming anymore. I am not looking forward. I'm trying not to look back. I am simply looking at the moment I am in and hoping that around the next curve the road will not fall away and drop me into another ocean.

Here Comes the Sun

For Cheryl... they say it is always there somewhere.

From on of my favorite Beatles

The Payout

I just got a call from Matt @ GEICO and they will pay all my car off
but my $500 deductible. So, I'll break even I think... well, not
exactly. I have to pay the $500 AND then find a way to buy another
car. I have about twice my deductible in savings. I was saving that
for a plane ticket. I should get my deductible back from the other
insurance company but they said it could take months.

So, now I'm rethinking how to take my trip. I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I
may have to take it later in the year, possible as late as fall. I'm a
bit disappointed but I'm not giving up my plans entirely. First I plan
to get a vehicle with a lower payment, as low as possible. I'd like to
pay half of what I'm paying now. I would then have money to put aside
for the trip. By my calculations by the middle or late summer I'd have
the money for the ticket. In addition, a cheaper car payment! So, that
is one scenario

I'm praying for a really good car deal. Everyone of you pray for me in
this and if you don't pray, well, do whatever you do! By next weekend
I hope to be on my way to finding a new vehicle. I did like my little
Ford Focus.

The hooker party last night was a success. At least I had a good time.
Kathy and Cassie did very well. Kathy caught on fast but she knew how
to chain pretty well. Cassie had more difficulty but by the end of the
evening I could see a great improvement. Loraine is a better teacher
than I am. I'm a lefty and teaching a righty to crochet seems to be a
bit confusing. For me, it is like looking in a mirror but apparently
rightys can't do that.

Food was good and we spent a lot of time laughing. These girls are
very funny. Doug heard and said next time he might join us but he'd
bring a different craft.

I do not know why I am so very exhausted when I get home. I am
wondering if it is my BP med. I take this med in the morning too but
don't recall feeling that tired. It is an unreal exhaustion. I don't
take my Ativan until 9 p.m. so I know it isn't that.

I have to get to work. I've been back and forth to this post for over
an hour. They are testing the fire alarms here now and it is very
annoying! One of them is right outside my door. I keep jumping every
few minutes when it sounds.

Sorry I've been erratic in posting lately but I've been too tired at
night to bother with anything. I hope to catch you all later.

Unphotographable: Burqa Discount Bin Conditioner

Link
Very cool site. Lots of ideas here.

A Small Experiment

This is Thursday. You all know I got a new medication, Ativan, on my
last doctor's visit. I started taking it over the weekend. It stopped
the anxiety I was feeling. I only take it at night, despite his
prescribing it twice a day. I have to work and it won't allow me to do
that. However, I did not take it on Monday night. I had to see, of
course, if and how well it was working. One looses one's perspective
when you are this far on the bottom. There are no windows in a well,
just a skylight. So, I elected to not take it .

I was fine on Tuesday and even Tuesday night. I was a little stressed
because the news of Jerry's cousin's husband dying but I was aware it
upset me talking to her. Had it been anyone else I might have fared a
little bit better but there is an emotional component with Deirdre
because I've always loved her and I felt her pain so badly. She had
such a rotten childhood and was pregnant at 16. She later found a man
who was good to her and they have a son, too. But she has terrible
health now. Her husband sat down on the bed and simply fell over dead.
He'd complained of chest pain for two days! {sigh} I don't know. Men.
She has no money except disability, no home, no place to go. Her son
is in the military. Their son is at home with her. It can be much
worse ladies than I have it. I did not ask her about funeral expenses
or anything else.

Wednesday I was o.k. but feeling a bit pressured in the afternoon. Not
unduly I didn't think. But when I got home, I didn't feel well and I
wandered around. Sarah came over for about two hours. While I enjoyed
seeing her I still felt bad and when she left I was barely able to
move. For days I've found myself absolutely exhausted to the point I
could hardly walk by eight p.m. I mean falling over, unable to keep my
eyes open and head up exhaustion. I have been so tired it was
frightening. Last night I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated
that pill. AI was concerned at how tied I was. I did not want to take
it but I was at a point I knew it was going to be a bad night. I
finally took it and turned out the light. I had to call Becca and have
her talk to me for about half an hour so my mind would stop circling.
I think I went to sleep as soon as she hung up.

They also changed my blood pressure dosage. I'm taking an extra pill
when I get home. Then, my regular dose a 9 p.m. My bp at 10 p.m. last
night was 118 over 77! I haven't been that low in decades. This
morning it was 128 over 88. Again, almost normal but low for me.

So, now wondering if the exhaustion is the increased BP meds. If so,
I'm not sure how to handle that. It doesn't do that to me in the
morning so I'm thinking not. Anyway, I'm recording these events so
I'll have a record for the doctor.

I feel fine this morning, a bit tired but fine. I could take a nap if
offered one.

The insurance adjuster called me yesterday. He said he'll see the car
in 3 to 5 days and get back with me as soon as possible. Geico is "da
bomb". They have been super nice and on top of this from the
beginning. I am duly impressed and I don't impress easily. Everyone,
every call they are courteous and answer questions without acting like
they are doing you a favor.

Now, back to the mines. I'd like to have a clean desk by 5 p.m. ....
if I don't fall asleep.

Accident Report

I got the accident report this morning and spoke with the other
insurance. I've faxed it to both companies. If I don't hear something
by noon, I'm probably going to tell my company to go ahead. I need a
car. My company was willing to go ahead and pay even without the
report. But I really feel her company should pay out.

Anyway, maybe by Thursday I will know if they total the car.

Oh... The other driver was at fault. She admitted it to the officer!
Well, she is only 23.

Back Into the Breach....Whatever

I'm waiting for my ride to work. I still have not heard from the other insurance. If I don't hear today the I will have to go through my insurance and pay whatever deductibles I can scrape up. I will have to hope that my insurance can recover the funds from the other insurance. I will have to pay for the trip to the er for Mike.

I will once again wipe put my savings,Story of my life.

Well, I might have a rental car by Thursday at any rate.

Sun is shining brightly today. At least, for now. I don't know for how long.It says it is 28 degrees out there. Actually, it looks cold from the windows.

It is now 7:20 and I've been waiting for Dave for over 10 minutes. That's the thing about Dave. He drags around. I will have a car by Thursday. My co-worker called five minutes and offered to pick me up but I paid Dave to do it and I need him to get the police report for me. I don't want to miss any more work and he knows where to go.

I'm off now to get my gear together and stand at the door.

A Sunday Wreck

The whole day pretty much was a wreck. If you have seen the album you know my car was involved in an accident today. I asked Mike to go and get some groceries for me because I was not feeling well. My hands and knees were hurting and I simply didn't think I could walk the concrete floors at Wal-mart. I should not have sent him out. Or at the least, I should not have delayed him. I held him up about 15 minutes.

Anyway, the other driver in the opposite lane turned in front of him and he hit her. My car is far worse than her's. My insurance will pay but I'm going to try and have her's pay. I have GAP insurance as well and I hope it will pay. I need to go find all the paperwork for the car. I know it is here somewhere.

Tomorrow I have to go to the body shop and see if they total the car. Honestly, I hope so because the damage is extensive. I don't see how repairing it will insure it runs right. The frame is shoved into the radiator and that alone concerns me. A new radiator, new side panels, new hood, new front end.

I'm upset because I just spent a fortune on tires less than a year ago. I bought a new battery just before that. I won't recover those items. Another car... I don't know if I can afford a newer car now. Before, well, I don't know.

I am gong to bed I think. I am tired and simply want to lie down. I did remember to eat this afternoon. I hope everyone had a better day than I did.

Writers' Asylum Therapy

The meeting went well tonight and we had a great time, I think. Kathy was up for critique with five pages from her next Tansy Taylor novel. Kathy's psychic PI is very entertaining. Everyone gave her their impressions and hopefully it will give her some fuel to keep her going.

We had decided on 5 pages but it seems it isn't really enough for a good critique so we've raised the bar and Doug is on for the next meeting in two weeks with a 10 page target. He doesn't think he'll reach that will take a shot. I am after him. He's working already on his and I have NO idea.

Kathy asked me to teach her to crochet and so next Thursday will be the Asylum Crochet Circle meeting. I will attempt to give Kathy and Cassie lessons in crochet with, I hope, Loraine as a back up... she already knows how.. I wonder if she's better than me. I might learn some things, too!

We had muffins from Donut Bank and Kathy brought cookies.

Cassie shared some things she had learned from a workshop she attended. And we spent time just talking about some random issues.. my hear fall from a mountain, Kathy's customer stranded at the poultry farm, Cassie's BFF story she submitted to class, Loraine's continued search for the perfect house. You all know, the usual stuff. After my last two weeks it was the sanest I've been.

Now off to bed. Tomorrow is Friday and I hope the day will be a good one. At least tonight was relaxing and I have next Thursday to look forward to.

One problem is the pain in my hand is much worse today. My left index, well, actually, the knuckle joint where the finger goes into the hand on the palm side. I can't stand to touch it. And my left elbow is still giving me a lot of trouble. I can't put my elbow down on anything. Feels as if a hammer hit them both.

It has rained all day and night so far. I expect it to rain tomorrow, too. I don't really mind the rain except for the impact it has on my body. Might as well drop a lead block on me.

I'm on my way to bed now. At least it was a nice end to a long week. I hope the weekend turns a bit warmer.

Do You Know What Day It Is?

Thursday! Writer's Meeting tonight at 6:30. I am so glad. I don't
remember wanting to have any meeting as bad as I do this one tonight.
It has been such a stressful couple of weeks. I will be with friends
and we'll have a nice long chat and I can forget the negatives for a
while.

I went to the doctor today. He is increasing one of my BP meds. He is
putting me on ativan for six weeks. I took this when Jerry died. It
was very good medicine for the time. I do not know how it will help
now. He said it wasn't addictive. The website says "habit forming".
Isn't that addictive? Someone told me it was back then, I want to say
the counselor. They put me on Xanax after that and I only took it
about two months. I do not anticipate taking it often or for an
extended period. Why, if I feel better do I need to take it.

I am to taper off the hormone patch. He wanted me to switch to pills
but I don't like taking one more pill that may upset my stomach. So,
I'll keep tapering... expect mood swings... maybe that's what's been
happening. Decrease in hormones can cause depression. He thinks they
may be what caused to problem with my breast. Well, lets face it, they
keep the breast fairly dense... firm.. youthful? LOL, whatever, I
don't have a beard or baritone yet.

At any rate, the BP is a priority right now. It concerns me more than anything.

Ok, I'm going now and try and work. I have several things that need to
be done before I leave. I got her at 7:30 this morning and will have
to in the morning as well. Won't have to count that doctor's appt that
way. It was a short appt. I will let you know how the meeting goes
later.

Lazy Day

I did not go to work today. I had to do blood work this morning at the hospital for my Thursday doctor appointment. I woke with a back ache and simply felt I could not face work today. I came home and lay on my sofa, on my back with my electric throw over me all morning until lunch. After I ate lunch, I went back and sat with my throw. I read all day and did nothing else.

I did finish Sarah's sweater late, around 4:30 or 5, just cleaning up the loose ends. Dave, Becca and Sarah came over around 6:30 and Sarah tried it on. It fit perfectly! Really. It fit with no sags, bags, or wrinkles - as if it was made for her. I was amazed. I did not do sleeves. I'll try that on the next go around. But she happened to have white, long-sleeved, turtle neck pull-over on and we put the sweater on her and it was absolutely perfect. I could have done sleeves but I didn't want to waste the time if it didn't fit. Becca decided to take it sans sleeves. Now, I can do another one and try some different things. I'm so pleased about it.

I am having a difficult time at the moment. It seems as if my life is in turmoil.. even though in retrospect, it is rather calm. I am feeling pressure from somewhere virtually all the time. I think I'm simply burned out in some areas. I can't fix those areas so it simply builds. I don't want to leave my house, frankly. I just want to stay home and do the things I love doing. I've started crochet again, I want to sew again, I'd like to write more - even though that is coming hard. I don't want to deal with crazy people anymore.

What I really feel is as if something is about to happen and I'm waiting for it. That's what it feels like. I've been here before. I don't like it when this feeling comes. I'd just as soon be surprised as everyone else when it does.

I'm going to get my shower, take my meds, watch my show, and then go to bed. Sleep is the only place I seem to find some peace. I pray for it every night. It seems to be the one prayer I get immediate results on. Thank God.

Sunday Night Wrap-Up

I am not alone. Sarah and I went to church and she asked to come home
with me. I have to take her home tomorrow by noon so I can keep my
appointment. She's playing now while I am messing around online. She
has cooked for the puppies and played with Play-doh. We'll go to bed
soon. I'm tired but want to stay up and do something.

I worked on the sweater all afternoon. I now have the sides joined and
am ready to try and put the collar on. I tell you, each piece I do is
a bit of a challenge. I've never done one before and I'm sort of
guessing as I go. The instructions are good to start and give you some
guidance as you go but it is very superficial. It isn't, after all, a
pattern. I chose to skip some advice and work some things differently
because of that pretty collar I made. LOL, I'm learning the basics.
When I want to do a fancy one, I'll go back and do the math. I've used
a t-shirt as my pattern to determine rough size.

The day was very nice. I sat on the porch for about an hour and
finally came in. I decided I need to get a glider rather than the
table. I need a place to read. It is too hard to read the computer
screen. I'm going to order my Kindle this week, I think. I really
think I'll like having a smaller, lighter "book" to read. My neck and
shoulders get very sore sometimes holding books and things. I so miss
being able to read in bed. I loved it.

O.k. enough of this. I am just sleepy. I'm going to tackle HRH and see
if I can cajole her to go to bed. If not, Daddy will be called to come
get her.

A Gray Sunday Morning

Absolutely gray with a light wind. I am ready for church and thought
I'd look at my mail and they decided to update the blogs. Problem is
there are no events to relate. I went to bed last night exhausted and
had not trouble going right to sleep. The previous terrible week has
taken it out of me and I'm still recovering. Tomorrow will be
stressful as well because I have some medial appointments.

I am off tomorrow, too and am hoping that I can get more than
appointment done. I hate blood work but if I go early that won't take
long. I have a mammogram in the afternoon. That is unknown. So, could
be a couple of hours. Last time was and in the end they had to do an
MRI. I elected this time to go to the hospital breast center rather
than my clinic center. They took four x-rays and an ultrasound
because there was "something they couldn't make out". Scared me to
death. After the ultra sound I was scheduled to come back in 6 months.
Next day they called and said, "We think you should get an MRI." I
was so upset! The MRI cleared me but it did not spare me an emotional
trauma. So, I won't use that clinic again.

I'm on my way out now. Mike is ready and I have my sister to pick up
today. I'll probably be around this afternoon but not sure. I am
trying to get that sweater finished so I can start something else. I
found a beautiful shrug pattern I want to try. Probably a much quicker
project than a patternless sweater.

Late Night with Dixie

My day did not turn out as I'd planned. I had to take Mike lunch and after that, I went to lunch with Dave, Becca and Sarah. We all came back to my house. I've don't nothing but watch movies. I'm going to bed soon so I can get up for church tomorrow. I am really tired tonight and hope I can relax tomorrow afternoon.

I bought a small portable computer table for the laptop. I thought it would help me have less neck and shoulder pain. I don't know yet. I had to put the thing together myself and that took the better part of a couple of hours after noon before I met my kids for lunch. Painful sitting on the floor. Knees, hips, leg, neck and shoulders did not like the arrangement. Still I got it done. I'll have to take a photo. It is a cheap little gadget but the frame is fairly sturdy. So, if the top wears out I can put a better top on the stand.

I'm going to bed. Right now. I'm suddenly very tired.

Eating Healthy

My supper tonight consisted of a protein, a grain, and fruit.

A peanut butter and plum jelly sandwich. With a glass of milk.

Isn't that healthy?

Shifting Sands

I can remember walking dunes somewhere once, not sure where or when -- maybe I dreamt it. I was probably small and the dune probably wasn't very big in relation to that. Seems like a mountain in my memory. But I can remember the sand sliding from beneath my feet as I attempted to climb up to the top of this mound. It was difficult. You go forward a step and slid back two. As a child you keep trying because achieving the top is exciting and fulfilling. You laugh and struggle and claw and climb until you stand atop the mound and throw both hands in the air and if you have companions, you all cheer. If not, you cheer alone. Because you made it.

I can remember the mountains of S. Germany, Bavaria. So beautiful. Easier in some ways to climb than the dunes of childhood. The next day my legs screamed in agony because of my efforts to see a castle at the top of the mountain and the walk down through beautiful woodlands flooded with sunshine. The memory of nearly falling off a cliff still clings to me. I remember the water flowing from a wooden pipe. I had a metal collapsible cup and I held it under the flow and before it ever reached my lips condensation had covered the cup. It was icy cold and delicious. The reward for reaching the top. I drank it standing looking out over the valley. I sighed.

Other mountains? A miscarriage. A child born with disabilities. A near miss divorce. Lost jobs resulting in financial disasters. A husband no longer able to keep a job. A husband dying before your eyes. Pain that never stops. Children that do not prosper. Personal failures that seem never ending. Fear of going to sleep. Fear of going to work. Fear of the next disaster that hasn't even happened.

Sand slipping from beneath my feet, unstoppable. I'm too tired to climb anymore. Reaching the top is not an option. Staying on my feet would be a victory.

Where is my faith you ask? I do not know. I am listening but the noise from it all is overwhelming. I'm ashamed that I've failed.

I long for simple sand dunes with shifting sands to conquer.

Rubber Band Rule

Wednesday at last. I did not believe I'd arrive. Not in one piece. Not sane. I went to bed around 10 and watched a movie there. I don't remember what it was.. oh, Castle. It was Castle.

I'm alone again for lunch today. I could call Mike but sometimes Mike isn't helpful in the company department. I adore him but today it wouldn't be a good idea. Maybe it is better if I just go home for a while.

I have to go to the doctor and I have to have a mammogram. There is a problem. Maybe not a big problem but I have to have it checked. I don't know.

There is a rule, maybe I made it up, called the Rubber Band Rule. You can stretch a rubber band a lot and a long way. But there is a limit to it's flexibility and stability. We're all subject to this rule. It is the point beyond which no one should have to go. I'm there. I'm stretched as far as I can go. I do not feel that I can bounce back, bend, or remain in one piece. I've already begun to fracture physically. Mentally, I"m not sure where I am but it doesn't seem like a good place. Emotionally I'm pretty much broken. I can't bounce back.

This has taken all day to write. I do have to work in between.

I emailed Doug about 10:30 and asked if he could free for lunch because I was bored. He said he had already eaten but wanted to get out of the office. So we met at Penn Station. I ate and he talked, to me, at me and about his writing and the need to find a new job. By the time I left I was not collapsing from the weight of my own problems. I felt bad using time he could have used elsewhere for his personal use. He was nice and said he had wanted to get out of the building anyway.  I don't know. I just know I needed a relatively sane person to ground me for an hour. I've managed to get through the rest of the day.

I do not know what I would have done these last two years without the friends I've made through NaNo and the writing group. I know for sure there would have been days I would not have made it. The same goes for the friends on Multiply. Some days you were all that kept me from imploding.

Another Night With No Count

Sarah just left, half asleep. I got her after work. I was exhausted but she wanted to come. I couldn't say no. We had a milkshake. Probably bad for both of us. But we did eat real food afterward. She had her ham sandwich as usual. I fixed me a burger. We read the card that came with Jilly's gift and when I told her their names she giggled and hugged them and kissed them. She is such a sweet child.

We, or rather I watched Spiderman. She played with her doll house until she grew tied and lay down on the sofa to take a nap. Slept thorough about 45 minutes of it. Then daddy came and got her.

I am going to bed. It is only 9 p.m. but this overwhelming tiredness is not to be borne. My neck and shoulders hurt anyway and my hands have been quite painful all day. I've been on the computer entering data for 8 hrs so that has not helped. Nevertheless, I'm tired. I've already taken my meds so they'll be working by now. Maybe I can sleep a full 8 hrs. That would be very lovely. Long as I don't wake up stiff with a headache I would not mind that. I'd give nearly anything to be able to sleep with out pain, to dream good dreams, and to wake up feeling as if I had my brain. I do not remember when I did that last, any of it.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that means the downhill side of work. I am not sure I'll make it. It feels as if I'm not going to get through a day. I sometimes think my nails should be ripped and torn from trying to hang on until 5. At least, I get a three day weekend on this weekend. Monday is MLK day and we get that off. I suppose that would be a good time to clean the place up. It is really looking bad. I've no ability to think things through and it is very frustrating.

Bed. Right. Bed. Sorry. Good night.

Midday Madness

I'm home at the moment for lunch. Carolyn is out today and tomorrow and I really didn't feel like going anywhere to eat.

I've been going full tilt since I got to work. I started processing files and didn't stop for anything. I have a dozen to go and won't finish them today. But I'll do them as fast as I can without stopping. It is the only way to get them done and to not think about time passing.

My friend, Doug, dropped me a "cheer up, shape up, finish the book and quit the job" email. Loraine sent sunshine. Everyone here has sent something. I wish it were as simple as that. Life is much too complicated.

Thank you all for the water tips. My filter at home is an under the sink, connected to the waterline. I could fill a thermos but I do get cold water from a dispenser at work. They buy bottled water. I don't like the over the counter bottled waters. They taste funny to me. I drink them only when I have no other source of water. I do probably need a thermos and they sell Stanley stainless steel ones.

Mike sold plasma today and will get my car washed and cleaned out today. He's down the hall at the moment chatting up some woman.

I have to get ready to go back to work so I'm gone.

The Sun Is Not Shining

I was awakened at 7:45 by the phone. My clock had gone off but I'd hit the snooze. It was my DIL's house calling. I got up and am waiting until the train leaves for work. Well, until my car does.

I went to bed about 10 something last night. I don't remember much after that. I didn't wake in the middle of the night that I know. Hands are pretty painful today. Neck hurts and knees are mildly painful.

BP was up when I got up. I don't know. I'm supposed to be monitoring it regularly and I forget but I am going to call them today and see what I should do. The dizzy spell bothered me, particularly as it took several minutes to really clear off. I think... I think the fluid pill may be dehydrating me too much. Is that possible? I have to stop drinking sodas that's for sure but the water here is just awful. We have a water dispenser at work but I like water cold and the ice in our fridge is made with tap water... which taste awful. Remember, I have a water filter here at home so my water is much better than other locals.

Am I still depressed. I'm trying not to think about it. I'll shove myself through the day and hope I come out the other side ok. Yes, I'm taking all the same stuff.

A look out the window reveals an overcast sky and it sounds as if there is wind. I suppose it is too much to hope for sun all day today. I think the temps are supposed to reach near 60 today. A veritable heat wave in store for the states!

I'm off here for work. I must stop and find something to eat, although I'm not really hungry. I may just take a granola bar and make do with that. It's enough.

Someone send prayers.

Having a Ball, Wish You Were Here

The dog is barking across the way. I can hear him, even with all the windows closed. I suppose they are leaving him out now. I've heard him several times recently. The house is quiet and dark. I had toast to eat and then a cinnamon bun Mike got Sunday. I've had it wrapped in plastic for him but I decided to eat it. He won't mind.

I do not want to do anything but go to bed. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of waking up at 3 a.m. unable to sleep. I'd never get through the day if that happened.

About 3:30 p.m. I went for a soda. Came back to work and had a horrible dizzy spell as I was hanging up my coat. Had to lean against the wall. Took a bit of time to pass off and then I felt bad. Can't explain it. Just bad. When I got home about an hour later I checked my bp and it was 154/98. I know it is high. I take meds. An hour later it was down to 149/84. Not enough.

I'm badly depressed tonight. I was yesterday as well. The sun is shinning somewhere but not here, not for me. And I do not have a way to fix this. I'm beyond the point where I think there is a way to fix it. I do not enjoy my life this way. I do not look forward. I do not look up. I see only the path right at my feet. It is a yawning chasm. Carolyn thinks my vacation will cheer me up.

It isn't one day. It is every day. Smiling, laughing, talking, going through motions that are meaningless and so very exhausting. I come home so very tired now. Never rested, never refreshed. I can hold out for about 2 hours before I need to lie down. Only you can't lie down in an office where there are no closed doors allowed. So you push past it, stay in motion. You don't stop until you get inside your house and then you sit down. And you can't get up again. You can't do dishes, sweep, make the bed, pay the bills, do your taxes, or remember what pills you took.

There is no one to come home to to listen the day I had or fix my supper or curl up next to and feel wanted, needed, and loved. I can't fix it and neither can anyone else. I feel lucky if I wake up and can hobble to the bathroom. I'm freaking 53 years old, not 93. I can't move most days without hurting. I can't read, sew, crochet, or do puzzles without agonizing pain the next day in my neck. Today my hands are hurting. My knees hurt. I can't put my elbow on a table because it feels as if there is a broken bone in there. There isn't. Tomorrow, something else will hurt. I will get up and if I'm very lucky, I can actually walk upright to the bathroom. I... am. . . tired.

I took a nap yesterday and I was dreaming of Mama. My leg hurt and I was telling her where it hurt. She was trying rub it for me. I woke up. My leg hurt. Mama wasn't there. No one was. There was nothing I could do except get out of bed and walk. I was still tired. My leg still hurt.

I'd like to think there is a silver lining, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I'd like to think there was even a rainbow. Not today.

Yes, this is depression. It is a lot of things. Depression, frustration, exhaustion, aggravation, indignation, agitation all rolled into one big ball. I'm having a ball.

Black Monday

Off to work in a second. Sun is brilliant if the glaring white curtains are any indicator. My mood is dark and I do not want to leave my house. I have no choice.

I'll be out of touch all day. Unless I come home at lunch.

By now you've all seen the videos of Sarah's special mail. I overlooked a card in the package. Sarah had eyes only for the monkeys and the envelop was put on the table. Since it is a heart shaped card and today is Valentine's day, it will be perfect to give it to her and read it. Thank you Jilly, from both of us.

One, Two, Three...

And so on. I've been crocheting on the sweater. Not sure where it is going but I'm going to keep it up. The first one is the tricky one. After that I'll work out where the bugs are. Actually, I'm quite pleased with the way the collar turned out and now my brain is working on getting the body made and attached to the collar with the sleeves to follow. One step at a time.

I have not written in a couple of days but I'm headed for a shower now and plan on doing some afterward. Sarah has been here for several hours but she is not feeling well and will probably not spend the night. I'm o.k. with it because I'm really a bit under the weather myself. I think I'm getting that cold that they have been passing along at work. It's pretty bad. Everyone had to get Z-paks for it. I don't want it. I'm going to try and get some much needed rest and head it off. I hope.

And for the moment, that's pretty much all my news.

Sarah opened her princess mail and was tickled. I did get it on video and will have it up a bit later. I don't' want to give away the surprise.

I never did go over the writer's meeting. I'll give you the summary I sent out to the non-attendees.

Greetings Inmates:
Those inmates in attendance know what happened but this is to share a bit with those unable to join in.

The revival meeting of the Writer's Asylum went splendidly... in my personal view. It was wonderful to see friends, old and new. The remodeled appearance confused some old timers. Cassie thought she was lost. I think Kathy may have as well but she covered it well. Cassie on the other had a deer in the headlight look when I opened the door. I forgot none of you have been around since the building project happened.

Once the greetings were done, we started off by reading part of Chapter One of something Loraine is working on. She admitted she was nervous but she handled it well. She also chose well for her first critique. Although it was a short piece, as we planned in advance, it worked in her favor...leaving us wanting to read more.... always a good sign. She did good.

Doug shared his opening to a short story he is working on. A good opening as well. He had us standing over a bleeding corpse with bated breath wondering who was next.... well, I was....

I shared my "300 Words a Night" challenge. Apparently it was funny because everyone was laughing. I will be looking a bit more closely at it. Doug feels it will come in useful somewhere.

Cassie shared the results of the challenge she issued at Panera bread last month, also causing laughter over the antics of her inebriated duo.

We discussed a variety of writing issues and ideas to keeps us writing.

Next meeting is on the 24th of Feb. at 6:30 p.m. I've already set up the calender and you will get a reminder a week before and probably a day before. You can view the calendar if you need to get a list of dates and times. Just let everyone know if you have a problem. Remember to send out your submission the week before so we can pour over it. Kathy is up for critique next.

I know the email is boring but the meeting was a lot of fun. And as usual, you all left me with lots of ideas! And a bunch of warm fuzzies to keep me company.

Critique Schedule
Kathy
Doug
Cindy
Cassie

And there you have it. I'm due for that hot shower now. Everyone have a lovely night. The sun shone today but I stayed in all day. I'm really rather tired and hope tonight will be one where I get plenty of sleeps. Watch for the video of Sarah opening her mail.

End of the Week from The Banks of the Styx

It is over! Finally over and gone. I don't have to go back aboard until Monday. I can wander around on the peaceful shores of Elysian Fields and relax.

I liked mythology, both Greek and Roman, when I was a child.... what can I say.

I'm tired. I'm going to shower and then write. Maybe I'll be back. Not sure.

A Quick Good Morning

I'm about to head out to pick Mike up and head for work. He is supposed to sell plasma today. I have a Landlord's meeting this afternoon. I haven't done one in a year I think! Actually since Oct of 2009 because of the software conversion and assorted problems with work.

Then at 6:30 I have a writer's meeting. By 8:30 I'll be falling down. So, this may be the only post I get today. I hope you all have a really great day and that the sun shines wherever you are. It is shining here but not sure how long. It snowed all day yesterday so I'm grateful, even it is is a freezing cold 8 degrees!

Stay warm!

Oh, at the moment, pain is low! I didn't take a Tylenol last night because I wanted to see if things have calmed down. The shoulder was better and I think putting that cart under my desk for my keyboard has helped.

Ok, more later! Got to dash!

Midday Musings

The sun is out... yes, it is. I see it through my window. I even see some blue sky up there. I wish I could go home and open the curtains. I also see a few snow flakes! Not sure what that is about.

I put my keyboard on the rack I found last week. I still don't have a board cut but the keyboard tray with the wrist rest is longer than my rack and so it is working for now. Still need the board and I'll get to it but it hasn't been a priority. I'm hoping it will stop the neck pain I'm having.

I told myself this morning I was not going to come in and have a melt down over any of this junk. I'm really just worn out today. I went to bed earlier and found I was still sleepy when I got up. My guess is that this constant fatigue is part and parcel of the fibro or CFC. I'm hoping not. I'm hoping it is just stress. But even when I'm not working I feel this way.

I'm still planning on the sugar fast. Did I mention this already? I can't check from this location. I'm talking myself into it slowly but it is coming. I'm going this weekend to buy some natural juices that I can substitute for sweet drinks. I already drink diet drinks and use artificial sweeteners but I think I need to come off those as well. I am going look for Stevia. They say it is a good natural sweetener without the risk of artificial sweeteners. I've got some information that connects sugar to inflammation and so I have nothing to lose by trying it.

Honestly, I just love good old fashioned cooking but it is too much to cook like that for me. Give me black-eyed peas, collards, turnip greens, mustard greens, corn bread, sweet potatoes... good grief....I'm starving already just writing it! Put ham in any of those and serve the corn bread on the side and you got yourself a poor man's feast!

I'm going to lunch soon with my friend, Loraine. That will be a pleasant break in the day. For now, I will leave you all with good wishes for a good day.

Painful Start

I had to do some neck stretches when I got up. My neck was hurting so bad. I am going to have to call the Dr. R. back to see about some kind of shot. I'm not dealing with it well. Not to mention the sky is so gray.

I am hoping that today will not be another stressful day at work. Yesterday it was terrible. I do have a lunch date today with Loraine. She's one of our local Nano'er's and will be joining our writing group on Thursday night. So that will be a nice diversion.

I did not get the 300 done last night or Sunday. I was in so much pain and so tired I had to go to bed. I was in bed before 11! Had no trouble sleeping unless you count the depressed state of mind I always have when I go to bed. And when I woke up the pain was mainly what I had to deal with.. that and wondering when that independently wealthy thing is going to kick in...

I'm finishing breakfast now and will head out in about 10 minutes. I hope everyone has a good day.

Gone are the Gossamer Skies

Another Monday dawned and I was confronted by leaden skies and a falling mist of snow that seemed to melt on contact. The temps have been fluctuating around freezing with no consistence. I am a mass of aches and pains and depression. Truly I do not wish to be in this place.

It was another day of having the PTB yell for me across the hall to fix a problem. I explained the issue half a dozen times and he still didn't get it. Ultimately what he wanted was me to just say "Give it to me and I'll take care of it." I didn't. Neither did anyone else.

It defies reason for anyone to have a job that pays roughly $50,000 a year and be unable to understand it, answer questions about it, or even solve a problem.

I have decided to go on a sugar fast. For those who know me, this is not easy. I watch my sugar intake most of the time but when I am like I am now, I make no attempts to control it. Stress, depression, frustration, aggravation all take a toll. Still, I have to do something to attempt some kind of effect on this inflammation that keeps me in pain. So, I have to get rid of all my goodies but there aren't many and there is the writer's meeting on Thursday night. That will help and it will be a nice break in the week.

I did go to church last night with Sarah. I told my aunt tonight that "Aunt Kate" is in my back seat all the way to and from church. Aunt Kate was my great aunt, sister to my grandfather ( he and my grandmother raised me). Aunt Kate was a very large woman. She was tall, like most of the Browder clan. But she was large. Best cook you can imagine. And she could belt out a song that could be hear a block away. Mind you, it was good singing. Every church meeting I ever went to where she was in attendance, someone would get up and say, "Sister Kate, will you sing for us?" Of course she would. She loved to sing.

Sister Sarah gets in the car and says, "Put the Jesus CD on Mawmaw." I do. That little 24 pound tot can belt out a song, let me tell you. She sings to the top of her lungs. And she does pretty good. There are 30 songs on that particular "Jesus CD" and she knows a lot of them and if she doesn't know all the words to each one, she fakes it and carries on. It is highly amusing and quite joyful. Before long, Mawmaw is singing, too. Mike won't sing, although he can and pretty good but he won't. I thought last night I wished that the video camera would work in the dark. I may record it anyway next time because you could probably hear her.

I'm headed off now. I have to write my 300 a night. I missed last night because I was really not well. Tonight, if time permits I may try and catch up but I'm not forcing it.

I'm in a funk. Starting Monday's the way this one did is not an auspicious beginning to the week. I'm hoping that this is the bottom of the hill and it is all up hill from here. My luck, I'll pull a calf muscle climbing.

Long Days

The days are lengthening but I don't seem to enjoy them any better at the moment. I'm so tired and my back has hurt all weekend. Sarah has been here since Saturday afternoon but I've had long days so I'm really in need of rest.

I was planning on taking her to church tonight and it is the only time she really gets to be with other children in a group setting. They have children's church on Sunday night and she likes it. So, I wanted to take her. I should have taken a nap earlier today but didn't.

Not sure there will be 300 words tonight either. Just got a lot of pain issues and sitting even doing the blog is not a pleasant experience.

I'm off now. Maybe for an hour I can relax and see if I feel better.

Just a Moment

I'd like to know what PTB assigned me the duties of a super without the monetary reward? I'm so annoyed today. Putting out fires that are not MY fires and leading the PTB around by the nose all morning has simply screwed my work up. I'm now behind. Why do we need a super when said individual does NOTHING!

O.k. I've had my moment.

Back to the breach.

A Gossamer Sky

The sun is shinning in Southern Indiana today. The sky is a lovely

blue with gossamer clouds drifting on the air, air that nearly

sparkles in the intense cold. After the gloom of the past months it is

odd to see that colors seem to be more vivid and . . . present. Even

the bricks of the old Welborn hospital across the street seem an

unusual intensity of tan. One would almost feel hopeful... if one were

not such a pessimist. Well, you know I am. Still, it gives one a nice

feeling of euphoria to look out of a cold, dark office into the

sunlight of a new day.

Was that maudlin enough? I hope so. It was very difficult to write.

I find myself on the edge of my seat hoping that the groundhog did not
lie this year. If he was a smart creature he stayed in his burrow
during that horrible storm. If he came out during all that mess just
to see his shadow, well, I just hope he froze to death.

You do know that all that groundhog story simply means if Feb 2 is a
bright sunny day of good weather, winter will continue another six
weeks. Whereas, if it is a day of gloom... and snowstorms it should
arrive practically on time, which is at least six more weeks... until
March 22... the spring equinox to be exact. When it is supposed to
arrive. Sooo...

I've slept better the last few nights and feeling a bit more rested.
That or I'm coming out of the flare at last. I've had more joint pain
and my back was also acting up. I think the back is the result of poor
posture. I'm going to purchase a tray for my desk at work for the
keyboard. At home, I'm trying to sit more correctly when working at
the computer or with the crochet.

 I started another swiffer sock last night for my friend. I haven't
told her yet. It will be  pink and white since that is the prettiest
colors I've done so far. I should be done with it by  Friday if I work
an hour or so a night. That and the "300 a Night" challenge are
keeping me occupied enough I don't notice much else. I watch t.v.
shows while crocheting. Yes, you can... I also read while watching
t.v. but not recently. Both my sisters do, too. Don't know why we can
do it, we just do.

The sun is higher now, the wispy clouds more intense and the blue a
bit brighter. It is an hour later than when I started this. I have to
start thinking about lunch soon. Carolyn has already asked what I
wanted to do. I've no idea. Thursday is usually our free day, meaning
we don't really have any place in mind to go. Lately Bob Evans has
been a choice. They have delicious cheesy baked potato soup. Fried
bacon and scallions scattered on top. MMMM, sounds good today!

I've been getting post updates to my email and that is quite nice now
that I can't see them online at work. I do try and comment to but that
feature wants to take me to the sites after I send it so not sure it
is working. But nice to read anyway.

My office is freezing. Each time the door opens a chill breeze wafts
in and settles around my ankles. We are not allowed to close our doors
because the PTB are concerned we would be doing something unethical.
Only think I could think of would be sleeping. I crack mine to within
an inch and today, I've closed it twice. It is just too cold in the
building and particularly on my end. My boss doesn't like it and he
knock if he come in either, just pushes it open. I told one of my
co-workers

The day has moved along and the sky is still lovely and sharp. We had
Chinese buffet and it was really good. I love cabbage egg rolls, the
kind with a thin crispy crust. Sooo good. I worked a couple hours and
we took a break, which I just came back from. All together I've
written bits and pieces of this post through out the day during short
breaks.

I do hope everyone is snug and warm and having a lovely day... or evening.

Cut Off!

I'm a bit annoyed. Only a bit. They have effectively shut us out of all "social networking" sites. I can't get to Multiply while I'm at work. Well, I can't get to the site. I can post via email, as this post proves. I'm unable to go in and read everyone's posts and comments and post from the site. I suppose I could get those emails that give me all the posts and comments but that is a lot of email gumming up the works.

Well, they don't pay me to do that, you know. So, I'm fine with it... just a bit annoyed. Suffering withdrawal all day. It was a nice break in the day to read a few posts and even write some. Tonight it will take forever to go over everything. I have that challenge issued by Doug to contend with, which came out o.k. last night, if a tad boring. He's read it and of course found all these twists and turns I didn't see. He suggested, in jest I assure you, a romantic ghost story with a sappy ending. That dog won't hunt. But he did have some interesting ideas he tossed out. I have not read his attempt but he did write and about the same as I did.

So, since I'm cut off from the outside world I shall slave away here in the mines, working for the MAN. I always wondered what that meant. I've decided it is Monstrous Administrative Nazis. I shall return home in about 30 minutes and see what you have all been up to today. Then, I must start my crochet sweater and write 300 words.

Driven, that's what I am. Driven.

A Challenge for Me

My lunch with Doug on Monday ended with a challenge posed by Doug. We are to both write 300 words a day until our meeting on the 10th. That's 3000 words in 10 days. Not a bad goal and not overwhelming, which I think has been a problem for both of us. So, I did my 300 tonight. Here it is. Please remember this is a work of fiction. There is no resemblance to any persons living or dead. And no, I have no idea what it means. Seems pretty useless at this point.

Maddie Walker stepped back and tilted her head to one side, studying the arrangement she'd just placed in front of the tombstone. The brilliant colors of the silk flowers glowed in the sunshine, almost blinding her. They were a nice foil against the white marble. Her eyes caressed the stone, tracing the black letters, one by one. They were daggers that scored her heart. For the billionth time she wondered if that would ever stop and decided not.

Stepping forward, she leaned down and traced the name carved there, gently rubbed the top of the stone as if she were ruffling someone's hair. Sighing, she turned to leave.

Across the drive that wound through the grounds were more headstones of varying styles, sizes, and age. She halted when she noticed someone standing beside a grave only a few rows in. Very seldom did she run across anyone at this time of day. It was a large cemetery but it seemed as if people no longer felt it necessary to honor their dead.

Continuing toward her car parked in the row of slots beside this section, she kept her eyes on the man who stood with his back to her. He was tall, long legged, with broad shoulders bowed as if a great weight rested there. She knew that feeling. Her eyes slid to the grave. It wasn't fresh. She glanced back at her own anchor. One never got far before feeling that pull. No matter where you went, what you did you could always feel it, tugging at you.

Pulling open the car door, she took one last look at the lone mourner. He was gone. She look around. There were no buildings nearby, no trees, no large monuments to hide behind. Nothing. Slowly, she turned in a circle, searching. She was alone.

A silk flower blew across the road and came to rest against her foot. Bending down, she picked it up. She always liked yellow roses. Yellow was for remembrance.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Ain't no body snoring! I'm at my desk. Just came back form lunch with my friend, Carolyn. The rain is coming down steadily. I long for a comfy chair and a warm blanket with a cup of hot coffee or cocoa with my feet on the ottoman and the curtains pulled so I can watch it rain. It won't happen.

I've decided I want to be independently wealthy.

Yes, I have.

No, I did not say it was going to happen. I said I decided I want to be. I'm sure you will agree it would solve all my problems. Well.... most of them. Probably create a few along the way as well. I think I can deal with that.

I do not have a headache today but I didn't feel too well when I got up. I was so sleepy and my hands, knees, feet, back, and neck were not friendly at all. I'm less tired than I was but then I got quite a bit of sleep compared to usual. I went home and slept two hours . . . did I already blog this somewhere? I should try and go back to my 10 p.m. curfew. I had a period where I was doing that and I did really well with it.... got up earlier but I was feeling a bit better I think.

I'm so looking forward to Spring! I need sunlight again. I can always tell. I'm sorry, you can't put that in a pill, no matter what you do. I'm going to look for some of those special lights I think. If I put them in the rooms I'm spending most of my time in, it would probably help a lot.

I've been reading the blog of a fairly recent friend. I met Loraine through NaNoWriMo two Novembers ago. This year, we chatted in the NaNo chat room quite a bit and recently got together with some other Wrimos for an informal get-together. Now, I find she is quite funny without trying. The PTB have invited her to join our Writers' Asylum group and she will be joining us. I'm giving her Wordpress blog link here if you are interested. I particularly refer you to the October 2010 and November 2010 posts. One is about an incident in her bath and the other a dinner conversation. I found them truly funny. The Doctor & His Wife

I should be doing something, I'm sure. I'm just killing time finding "stupid work". That is stuff that doesn't require a lot of effort or brain power but is legally what they pay me for.

Yep, I've decided to I want to be independently wealthy.

{sigh} It's a thought.