Link
Can it get worse? Sure it can.. please note the reasons stated as to why the state continued to allow this monster to continue to execute babies... because race, social-economic status of the women, and the "political football of abortion".
We now know the women are the victims of deceit. Land sakes! Take the whole cake! Poor unfortunate things didn't know how pregnant they were? If they had been aware of how far along they were they would surely not have elected to have an abortion? Hogwash!! Six weeks or six months, what difference does it make? This is splitting hairs at the microscopic level. You can't tell me none of these women more than six months pregnant did not know that was a living child in their bellies. They move, stretch, kick and turn over. You have to be comatose not to know! I carried two, I know! From 4-5 months you start spending long nights in the bathroom because they sit on your bladder!
Someone needs to grow a pair and stand up to this ridiculous issue. We are talking about human beings. If you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to know about birth control. If your religion won't let you use birth control where do you get off saying it will allow abortion? What kind of logic is that. You are stupid. If you don't want a baby, get sterilized. The world will be better off if you don't procreate.
This man was successful because these women wanted his services. They weren't forced to his clinic. They sought him out because they knew he offered late term abortions. Don't tell me income was a factor either. Look at the charges for those abortions. Poor people, particularly single women do not have that kind of money floating around. Where did they get it? Who paid? Medicaid? Very likely. Taxpayers? Of course!
I work with low income families. Let me tell you the first thing we think when someone comes in with a $50 nail job and a $75 hair job and $50 perfume....and no money reported. Nah, I don't have to tell you.
This is not misguided women who didn't know any better. Unless his patients were all mentally challenged, they knew exactly what they wanted, where to go to get it, and how much it cost. They were prepared for the costs which means they have an income source. Takes time for a low income person to come up with $500 to pay the light bill. These people were able to come up with what is about a three month average for a low income family. That takes a reasonable intelligence. I'm speaking as if they had good sense. It is their morality and their ethics I question.
I'm guessing there will be even more horrors to unfold in this psycho drama. And the more I read the more disgusted I get.
I'm going to get mail. I know it. Just save it. I don't care. It is wrong and all parties concerned are guilty. Will we ever know how many babies were murdered? Do we want to know?
Do they have the death penalty in Philly. Not sure if they do or what manner it is but ..... scissors come to mind. Or perhaps prison... not sure how the criminal population in prison looks on such monsters. Not well I suspect.
God help us we have become monsters everyone.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
January
I seem to be in a very verbose frame of mind today. Perhaps it was getting off early that set me on this course. Maybe the snow and the quiet and the warm room have all combined to generate this unremitting desire to say something, to pour out something. Since I have no idea what it is, I can only dash off a blog and hope that something meaningful spills onto the page.
What I really hate is this directionlessness, as if I'm in an open field wandering aimlessly first to the left, then to the right, then in a circle and back to the left and right and... that's how it is. When I wake up, when I leave the house, come back and go to bed, always this sense that I'm simply wandering around with no thought of where to go or what to do.
I do not know what this stage is called. I have no idea where I am on the scale. Eighteen months to two years is the range they gave me for recovery. Is this the anesthetic wearing off? Is this the confusion and disorientation you feel coming out of open heart surgery? I've no idea.
I only know that at some point I ought to wake up and it will be daylight. I will get up. My head will be clear. I won't feel like I'm a buried under a truck load of dirt. I won't get sick at the sight of a photo, the sound of a song, or a random memory. I will walk in the rooms of my house and know why I enter each one. I will read all the books I've left lying around for two years and get past the first chapter. I will write more than two paragraphs of new novel and pick back up on the other four I left behind. I will be able to look at Sarah without feeling a sense of loss that was not mine but is.
I was looking at some sites about stages of grief and there is no real consensus about any of this. It is either three phase, five stages, or seven stages depending on who wrote the article. Doesn't matter. The three phases sound much more familiar.
Honestly, October was horrible because of the renovations. That was traumatic and stressful because he wasn't here to deal with it. November was stressful because the holiday season began and Jerry was absent. December things became worse for me, particularly when I was alone.
But January has been terrible emotionally. My anniversary on the 11th of January passed unnoticed by all but me. It's o.k. really because most people never noticed anyway but Jerry and I. Even the kids never got it. I was at Court Street that day and was talking to a girl there. She wished me a happy anniversary. But it wasn't really. He's dead so there are no anniversaries. There are "would have been married's". This year would have been 37 years. He would be 62 this year. He was getting close to retirement age and was so excited about that.
Now, January 29 will arrive in a ten days. It is our second anniversary.
I hate January.
What I really hate is this directionlessness, as if I'm in an open field wandering aimlessly first to the left, then to the right, then in a circle and back to the left and right and... that's how it is. When I wake up, when I leave the house, come back and go to bed, always this sense that I'm simply wandering around with no thought of where to go or what to do.
I do not know what this stage is called. I have no idea where I am on the scale. Eighteen months to two years is the range they gave me for recovery. Is this the anesthetic wearing off? Is this the confusion and disorientation you feel coming out of open heart surgery? I've no idea.
I only know that at some point I ought to wake up and it will be daylight. I will get up. My head will be clear. I won't feel like I'm a buried under a truck load of dirt. I won't get sick at the sight of a photo, the sound of a song, or a random memory. I will walk in the rooms of my house and know why I enter each one. I will read all the books I've left lying around for two years and get past the first chapter. I will write more than two paragraphs of new novel and pick back up on the other four I left behind. I will be able to look at Sarah without feeling a sense of loss that was not mine but is.
I was looking at some sites about stages of grief and there is no real consensus about any of this. It is either three phase, five stages, or seven stages depending on who wrote the article. Doesn't matter. The three phases sound much more familiar.
- Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation).
- Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss).
- Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life).
Honestly, October was horrible because of the renovations. That was traumatic and stressful because he wasn't here to deal with it. November was stressful because the holiday season began and Jerry was absent. December things became worse for me, particularly when I was alone.
But January has been terrible emotionally. My anniversary on the 11th of January passed unnoticed by all but me. It's o.k. really because most people never noticed anyway but Jerry and I. Even the kids never got it. I was at Court Street that day and was talking to a girl there. She wished me a happy anniversary. But it wasn't really. He's dead so there are no anniversaries. There are "would have been married's". This year would have been 37 years. He would be 62 this year. He was getting close to retirement age and was so excited about that.
Now, January 29 will arrive in a ten days. It is our second anniversary.
I hate January.
The Stranger
Staring out the window at falling snow is not a past time I get very often. It seems to be happening more often of late. I like watching it swirl on the breeze and drift to the ground to rest. There is something in that of peace that I've only felt in rainfall. I love violent rain storms, too but I never get to see violent rain storms anymore. I would love to sit in a storm and hear the thunder shatter the sky and watch the lightening tearing across the heavens and feel the beat of the rain in my face. Instead, I have snow. It will have to do but I find snow alone is not much fun.
The world, my world, has become a smaller place, one in which there is little to look forward to or enjoy. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm simply noting a fact of life... and maybe one of death. I don't know how it changed. I still do several of the things I did before but not so much. I've stopped reading for the most part. I don't listen to music much. I don't watch movies or television much unless I'm bored and then I do it through the internet. And I really do not want to go anywhere. I think I'll start something new only to find that I really don't have the motivation to continue. Nor the energy.
I haven't been writing either. I question whether I really want to write anymore. I'm not sure blocked is even an accurate description. I don't think I'm blocked. I think I'm just no longer me. In fact, I don't know who I ever was. I find no trace of that person. Nothing at all remains of her life or hopes or dreams. Who I was seems to have left the building unannounced and with no forwarding.
I've had to come to terms with some things about myself and none have been flattering. I'd rather not share those. Perhaps that is why that person no longer exist. I don't laugh as much. I don't find certain things funny any longer. I find more things infinitely sad. Mostly, I just do not know who I am. I don't actually think I even care. Sometimes I do, but often I simply look away from the mirror.
I'm playing records today. I can't stand even looking at some of the covers, never mind play them. They aren't my records. They are our records. If I play them I can see things that happened, hear things that were said. I can feel things I felt. This is not fun for me. So, I pulled out an old set of Glenn Miller records from Time Life that belong to my sister and have no emotional connection for me. Moonlight Serenade is playing right now. And I see Jerry grinning at me as I drag him out of his chair and force him to dance with me. He was such a bad dancer but just to put my head on his chest was all I wanted and feel his arms about me.
In defense you become someone else. Someone who is not connected to anything at all. You become adept at pretense, a brilliant actor. While inside you are a quivering mass of stage fright. You don't know your lines. They changed the script.
You find outlets that are meaningless because that is the only way to function. People who meant something are different because the person you are now is dealing with strangers. You have to get reacquainted with every person the old you knew. And people you thought you cared about.... you don't. You hear yourself say that you didn't realize how tired a certain person made you feel. You are surprised by the revelation!
You find yourself thinking about stupid trivial things because to think of anything weightier would require someone to talk to about it who understands you and will listen and still love you when you're done, who might actually agree with you.
You spend a lot of time just staring out the window, watching the snow fall and wondering about the stranger that has taken over your life.
The world, my world, has become a smaller place, one in which there is little to look forward to or enjoy. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm simply noting a fact of life... and maybe one of death. I don't know how it changed. I still do several of the things I did before but not so much. I've stopped reading for the most part. I don't listen to music much. I don't watch movies or television much unless I'm bored and then I do it through the internet. And I really do not want to go anywhere. I think I'll start something new only to find that I really don't have the motivation to continue. Nor the energy.
I haven't been writing either. I question whether I really want to write anymore. I'm not sure blocked is even an accurate description. I don't think I'm blocked. I think I'm just no longer me. In fact, I don't know who I ever was. I find no trace of that person. Nothing at all remains of her life or hopes or dreams. Who I was seems to have left the building unannounced and with no forwarding.
I've had to come to terms with some things about myself and none have been flattering. I'd rather not share those. Perhaps that is why that person no longer exist. I don't laugh as much. I don't find certain things funny any longer. I find more things infinitely sad. Mostly, I just do not know who I am. I don't actually think I even care. Sometimes I do, but often I simply look away from the mirror.
I'm playing records today. I can't stand even looking at some of the covers, never mind play them. They aren't my records. They are our records. If I play them I can see things that happened, hear things that were said. I can feel things I felt. This is not fun for me. So, I pulled out an old set of Glenn Miller records from Time Life that belong to my sister and have no emotional connection for me. Moonlight Serenade is playing right now. And I see Jerry grinning at me as I drag him out of his chair and force him to dance with me. He was such a bad dancer but just to put my head on his chest was all I wanted and feel his arms about me.
In defense you become someone else. Someone who is not connected to anything at all. You become adept at pretense, a brilliant actor. While inside you are a quivering mass of stage fright. You don't know your lines. They changed the script.
You find outlets that are meaningless because that is the only way to function. People who meant something are different because the person you are now is dealing with strangers. You have to get reacquainted with every person the old you knew. And people you thought you cared about.... you don't. You hear yourself say that you didn't realize how tired a certain person made you feel. You are surprised by the revelation!
You find yourself thinking about stupid trivial things because to think of anything weightier would require someone to talk to about it who understands you and will listen and still love you when you're done, who might actually agree with you.
You spend a lot of time just staring out the window, watching the snow fall and wondering about the stranger that has taken over your life.
Texting shopper who fell in mall fountain sues security guards for laughing | Mail Online
Link
I'm sorry. There is something seriously wrong with this. Please try and read it with a straight face. And when you watch the video, try not to laugh. Well, never mind. It is funny.
Does anyone recognize a face in the video? Um, no one knew who she was until she decided to reveal her identity so she could sue? Revealing that she is even stupider than the video at the bottom of the story would indicate.
Do you think she even realizes that even more people will watch and laugh at her all over again, particularly in light of the fact that she is suing for something that was her own fault?
I'm sorry. There is something seriously wrong with this. Please try and read it with a straight face. And when you watch the video, try not to laugh. Well, never mind. It is funny.
Does anyone recognize a face in the video? Um, no one knew who she was until she decided to reveal her identity so she could sue? Revealing that she is even stupider than the video at the bottom of the story would indicate.
Do you think she even realizes that even more people will watch and laugh at her all over again, particularly in light of the fact that she is suing for something that was her own fault?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Abortion Doctor in Philadelphia Charged With Murder - NYTimes.com
Link
So, is it murder? Or is it not?
This is a monstrous article and I can't stomach it but it is amazing how values have become so distorted. Disagree if you like, I do not care. This IS A MORAL ISSUE. It is NOT a political one. I do not care what your politics are and I do not care if you came from Pluto on a comet tail. Human beings deliberately deprived of life at the hands of another is murder.You can't have it both ways. Either it is murder or it isn't. And if it isn't then there is no such thing as murder in any form.
A society who refuses to recognize the value of life in all forms ceases to be civil or sane. Hitler's solution was to exterminate what was in his view valueless sub-humans. Jews, mentally handicapped, all non-white races - the list goes on. It is a small step to follow that path. It is coming. We talk about it already... euthanasia, abortion, who decides who dies and when, assisted suicide - the list goes on.
Monsters, such as mentioned in this story, are the ones who should be shipped off the planet. Plant them somewhere they can build their own world.... say the moon. I've not doubt they do not need oxygen to survive... they are aliens.
Of course, he will get a fair trial. And if I were in his position I'd be saying that the law has already set a precedent because it has legalized a woman's right to abort her unborn child. Were I him, I would be saying that age of the unborn should not matter. It is a matter of choice. You watch for it.
I'm willing to bet there will be people who agree with him. Obviously, the women who were going to him thought so.
Should they be charged?
To the moon.
So, is it murder? Or is it not?
This is a monstrous article and I can't stomach it but it is amazing how values have become so distorted. Disagree if you like, I do not care. This IS A MORAL ISSUE. It is NOT a political one. I do not care what your politics are and I do not care if you came from Pluto on a comet tail. Human beings deliberately deprived of life at the hands of another is murder.You can't have it both ways. Either it is murder or it isn't. And if it isn't then there is no such thing as murder in any form.
A society who refuses to recognize the value of life in all forms ceases to be civil or sane. Hitler's solution was to exterminate what was in his view valueless sub-humans. Jews, mentally handicapped, all non-white races - the list goes on. It is a small step to follow that path. It is coming. We talk about it already... euthanasia, abortion, who decides who dies and when, assisted suicide - the list goes on.
Monsters, such as mentioned in this story, are the ones who should be shipped off the planet. Plant them somewhere they can build their own world.... say the moon. I've not doubt they do not need oxygen to survive... they are aliens.
Of course, he will get a fair trial. And if I were in his position I'd be saying that the law has already set a precedent because it has legalized a woman's right to abort her unborn child. Were I him, I would be saying that age of the unborn should not matter. It is a matter of choice. You watch for it.
I'm willing to bet there will be people who agree with him. Obviously, the women who were going to him thought so.
Should they be charged?
To the moon.
Monday, January 17, 2011
The Run Down
Sarah has gone home. She stayed three nights and didn't want to go home but I have to work tomorrow. Becca's Dad came in on Saturday and we did not tell Sarah. When I took her home tonight I told her someone was at her house. She tried to guess but had no clue. I told her it was a surprise. When we got upstairs she shivered and giggled in excitement just before we entered.
I wish you could have seen her face when she walked into her apartment. She was dazed and her little hands flew to her cheeks and she gasped. She stared for several minutes as if she couldn't believe her eyes. Then she ran over and reached out and touched his cheek and rubbed it and rubbed his arm and then hugged him. She simply stared with a funny little smile and then she giggled. She kept rubbing his cheek. She got down, moved to stand about three feet away and just stared at him with that little smile and after a few minutes she would look at the rest of us and giggle. then she'd rush over and pat his cheek and hug him again. She never spoke during the whole thing. It was so funny and so sweet. And I felt the knife twist because I knew if it had been Jerry waiting she would have reacted in exactly that way. And he would have grabbed her and never let go.
I turned and saw my dinning table with the cloth spread nicely on it, and the ladder back chairs around it. It looked very nice the way Becca has it set up. I reached out and touch the back of the chair, clasping the post and rubbing it and the past rose up and slapped me in the face. I saw myself standing just that way a thousand times watching my little boys sitting at that table laughing and Jerry at the end, eating my cooking and laughing with them. And I turned and ran out of the apartment and down the stairs and drove home.
They were not there.
I wish you could have seen her face when she walked into her apartment. She was dazed and her little hands flew to her cheeks and she gasped. She stared for several minutes as if she couldn't believe her eyes. Then she ran over and reached out and touched his cheek and rubbed it and rubbed his arm and then hugged him. She simply stared with a funny little smile and then she giggled. She kept rubbing his cheek. She got down, moved to stand about three feet away and just stared at him with that little smile and after a few minutes she would look at the rest of us and giggle. then she'd rush over and pat his cheek and hug him again. She never spoke during the whole thing. It was so funny and so sweet. And I felt the knife twist because I knew if it had been Jerry waiting she would have reacted in exactly that way. And he would have grabbed her and never let go.
I turned and saw my dinning table with the cloth spread nicely on it, and the ladder back chairs around it. It looked very nice the way Becca has it set up. I reached out and touch the back of the chair, clasping the post and rubbing it and the past rose up and slapped me in the face. I saw myself standing just that way a thousand times watching my little boys sitting at that table laughing and Jerry at the end, eating my cooking and laughing with them. And I turned and ran out of the apartment and down the stairs and drove home.
They were not there.
Up and At ....um.... Maybe not....
Moving slow this morning, probably due to the weather is my guess.Whatever, rolling out of the bed was the easy part.
Sarah is still asleep but I'm about to go beard the little bear in her den. She has been grumpy in the morning all weekend. So, I may get a black eye. Still has to be done. She goes home today and I will probably take her before lunch so I can do a few things before going back to work.
It has been a long weekend without much relaxing time but it is always good to have her with me. It is like a little sunshine in your pocket.
My gas log was worked on last week. I got it going and now it isn't working again. I am just going to have to find another one for that room. It has to be a ventless heater and they are hard to find. But it gets so cold in there you can't stand it. And I have to have something on a thermostat so I don't end up having to lite it all the time. They cost several hundred dollars. Which I don't have.
I'm going to dress now and see if I can coax Sarah to dress and go look for one. She is up now. I stopped long enough to get her up and get out breakfast. She's watching a video at the moment, Hermie, a Christian children's video.
I have to go back to work tomorrow. Bummer.
Sarah is still asleep but I'm about to go beard the little bear in her den. She has been grumpy in the morning all weekend. So, I may get a black eye. Still has to be done. She goes home today and I will probably take her before lunch so I can do a few things before going back to work.
It has been a long weekend without much relaxing time but it is always good to have her with me. It is like a little sunshine in your pocket.
My gas log was worked on last week. I got it going and now it isn't working again. I am just going to have to find another one for that room. It has to be a ventless heater and they are hard to find. But it gets so cold in there you can't stand it. And I have to have something on a thermostat so I don't end up having to lite it all the time. They cost several hundred dollars. Which I don't have.
I'm going to dress now and see if I can coax Sarah to dress and go look for one. She is up now. I stopped long enough to get her up and get out breakfast. She's watching a video at the moment, Hermie, a Christian children's video.
I have to go back to work tomorrow. Bummer.
Friday, January 14, 2011
A Sarah Saturday
Sarah is at my house today. She spent the night with me and we are not trying to decide what to do. She informed me that there was nothing to do at my house. Probably true since all the toys I buy go to her house. We have books and a doll house but she gets bored with those after a time. She watches about 20 minutes of a movie and she's done. So, not sure what we will be doing.
Mike called earlier to see if I was coming to get him to hook up the den heater but Dave has my car. He is going to Kentucky to pick up Becca's parents. They want to move back here. Anyway, when I was talking to Mike, Sarah said, "He's ruining our date."
I can't pick him up until later. I will be glad when I get my heater hooked up. I like that room and would use it more all year if it were warm. In the summer I use it more, or used to.
I'm using the spare room a lot since I put my wireless printer in here and the trestle desk. It is such a warm cozy room. I often get on the bed with my heated throw and watch movies or listen to audio books. I've been crocheting there while I listen to books but this week I was so exhausted when I got in that I simply read blogs and watched t.v. shows. I couldn't relax and by the time I went to bed I was so sleepy. It was always midnight. That kind of tired makes it impossible to wind down properly.
Today I do not know what is on the schedule but then that is what Sarah Saturdays are usually like. There are a lot of things to do but none really appeal. I may actually try and hook the heater up myself. At one time I could have done. Not sure now.
Sarah took a hot shower and she is ready to roll. I cleaned my half bath... basically this is where I do my hair and everything was just everywhere. I straightened it up, washed it down, and organized all the hair paraphernalia. It will be fine for a while.
I am feeling my lack of sleep now. It is about 1 p.m. and I didn't sleep well last night. Sarah woke me up once to tell me I was making noise so I guess I was snoring. I do some times. I hate sleeping on my back and it is the only way I can sleep. So, I snore more. My throat and mouth are nearly raw in the mornings so I usually know when it is happening.
I'm going off now. Not sure I'll be back today. I've been pretty scarce lately because of work. I still have to go back on Tuesday and try to get finished with it.
Mike called earlier to see if I was coming to get him to hook up the den heater but Dave has my car. He is going to Kentucky to pick up Becca's parents. They want to move back here. Anyway, when I was talking to Mike, Sarah said, "He's ruining our date."
I can't pick him up until later. I will be glad when I get my heater hooked up. I like that room and would use it more all year if it were warm. In the summer I use it more, or used to.
I'm using the spare room a lot since I put my wireless printer in here and the trestle desk. It is such a warm cozy room. I often get on the bed with my heated throw and watch movies or listen to audio books. I've been crocheting there while I listen to books but this week I was so exhausted when I got in that I simply read blogs and watched t.v. shows. I couldn't relax and by the time I went to bed I was so sleepy. It was always midnight. That kind of tired makes it impossible to wind down properly.
Today I do not know what is on the schedule but then that is what Sarah Saturdays are usually like. There are a lot of things to do but none really appeal. I may actually try and hook the heater up myself. At one time I could have done. Not sure now.
Sarah took a hot shower and she is ready to roll. I cleaned my half bath... basically this is where I do my hair and everything was just everywhere. I straightened it up, washed it down, and organized all the hair paraphernalia. It will be fine for a while.
I am feeling my lack of sleep now. It is about 1 p.m. and I didn't sleep well last night. Sarah woke me up once to tell me I was making noise so I guess I was snoring. I do some times. I hate sleeping on my back and it is the only way I can sleep. So, I snore more. My throat and mouth are nearly raw in the mornings so I usually know when it is happening.
I'm going off now. Not sure I'll be back today. I've been pretty scarce lately because of work. I still have to go back on Tuesday and try to get finished with it.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Paedophilia 'culturally accepted in south Afghanistan' - Telegraph
Link
Does this sound yucky to anyone but me? And what am I to actually learn from this? Am I supposed to say, "Golly gee! When in Rome. . ."
Oppressive to women. Practicing pedophiles. What will they think of next!
Sorry, it is not going to ever be acceptable to me. I don't care what planet you come form.
Does this sound yucky to anyone but me? And what am I to actually learn from this? Am I supposed to say, "Golly gee! When in Rome. . ."
Oppressive to women. Practicing pedophiles. What will they think of next!
Sorry, it is not going to ever be acceptable to me. I don't care what planet you come form.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Still Alive NaNoWriMo
A friend and local nano'er, Lulu, put the link for this video on her blog. I had not seen it before but it is just so cute I have to post it. I didn't win but....
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I'm Sure It Is Just Coincidence
There can't be any connection to these events, I'm sure of it.....
Mass Animal Deaths
Mystery 500 Dead Penguins
Mass Pilot Whale Beaching
Mass Animal Deaths
Mystery 500 Dead Penguins
Mass Pilot Whale Beaching
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Something in the Air
Link "Why are the animals dying? Birds, fish wiped out in mysterious deaths"
I've been watching the stories of these mass animal deaths with interest. Revelations speaks of mass death in water and on land in the last days.
I also watched Flash Forward this past summer and the back story contained a scene of hundreds of black birds... get this... dropping to the ground, dead. The story contained several events over a period of years when this had happened and it had been kept secret. So, seeing it in real life this past week or so has been a bit disconcerting since in the television show it was a scientific experiment that caused serious problems.
Don't get me wrong. I know the Flash Forward is a fictional television show. I know some of you believe the Bible is a fable. I respect your opinions of both. I just don't necessarily agree with you on all of it. You see, I remember when wrist watches were two-way radios with video screens that existed only in the Dick Tracy comic... in the 50's and 60's. Hello?
So, my suspicions, along with the conspiracy freaks, is that this is something we are not being told. Birds do not drop out of the sky in the hundreds in a single area and fish in the same area do not wash ashore for no good reason. . . all within the same week while one state away the same thing was happening.
Mass extinction? It is the same species. Why didn't sparrows fall out of the sky? I can remember in 2003 traveling home through Arkansas from Little Rock and seeing thousands of these black birds. It was in December. We must have ridden for 50 miles and witnessed flock after flock of blackbirds flying west. I'd never seen anything like it. We were amazed at how many there were and wondered why they were there. So, when I heard of this story I was thrown back to that point in time.
When I read of the Horizon explosion and saw the photos and then saw the horrendous results of that I told my pastor, "I believe we just saw Wormwood." For the uninitiated to all this mumbo jumbo, read Revelations 8. Even he laughed at me. But I'm still not convinced it isn't true. A flaming star falling into the ocean causes contamination of the sea and death to the sea life. In the Bible version of Wormwood, it also actually sinks ships. There is concern in certain scientific sectors that some of these oil companies will puncture a methane vein. There are believed to be copious amounts beneath the oceans of the world. If that happens, Revelations 8 will come to pass and we won't be able to stop it. Read the science if you don't read the Bible. It is said it will be global death of every living thing.
Whatever your beliefs or disbeliefs, we better take such events seriously. To say hundreds of birds dropping dead from the skies and over 100,000 fish washing ashore dead is nothing to worry about is about the most ludicrous statement I've ever heard. And why would we not be concerned? When you start seeing aquatic life affected in the manner we are seeing, something in our system is seriously out of balance. It is a matter of time before it moves ashore. Sea life, all aquatic life in fact, is very sensitive to environmental changes. When birds fall from heaven in the hundreds, we might begin to wonder if it has now moved ashore. Does anyone really believe this is "nothing to worry about"?
What astounds me is that the "experts" expect us to accept it without question! And we do. Because they are paid to know. We believe if they have a PHD they must be right. Where I'm from we don't have much respect for PHD's. It means Post Hole Digger. So I tend to be more skeptical. I question everything. I do not believe in experts. I believe in educated guesses, hunches, and my gut. They've proven far more valuable to me. My gut says this is not good.
When wildlife begins to show signs of something wrong in the environment, something is seriously wrong. Miners long ago took canaries into the mines. Why? Because if there was a gas leak, the canary would die before it was strong enough to kill the miners. It must have been amazingly comforting in that deep dark hole to hear that little bird cheerily singing. Imagine the terror if it stopped. That would not be a good sign. You can bet that every miner in the mine would know in minutes to get out. Death was in the mine.
Anyone check the canary lately? Something is in the air.....and it's killing the birds.
I've been watching the stories of these mass animal deaths with interest. Revelations speaks of mass death in water and on land in the last days.
I also watched Flash Forward this past summer and the back story contained a scene of hundreds of black birds... get this... dropping to the ground, dead. The story contained several events over a period of years when this had happened and it had been kept secret. So, seeing it in real life this past week or so has been a bit disconcerting since in the television show it was a scientific experiment that caused serious problems.
Don't get me wrong. I know the Flash Forward is a fictional television show. I know some of you believe the Bible is a fable. I respect your opinions of both. I just don't necessarily agree with you on all of it. You see, I remember when wrist watches were two-way radios with video screens that existed only in the Dick Tracy comic... in the 50's and 60's. Hello?
So, my suspicions, along with the conspiracy freaks, is that this is something we are not being told. Birds do not drop out of the sky in the hundreds in a single area and fish in the same area do not wash ashore for no good reason. . . all within the same week while one state away the same thing was happening.
Mass extinction? It is the same species. Why didn't sparrows fall out of the sky? I can remember in 2003 traveling home through Arkansas from Little Rock and seeing thousands of these black birds. It was in December. We must have ridden for 50 miles and witnessed flock after flock of blackbirds flying west. I'd never seen anything like it. We were amazed at how many there were and wondered why they were there. So, when I heard of this story I was thrown back to that point in time.
When I read of the Horizon explosion and saw the photos and then saw the horrendous results of that I told my pastor, "I believe we just saw Wormwood." For the uninitiated to all this mumbo jumbo, read Revelations 8. Even he laughed at me. But I'm still not convinced it isn't true. A flaming star falling into the ocean causes contamination of the sea and death to the sea life. In the Bible version of Wormwood, it also actually sinks ships. There is concern in certain scientific sectors that some of these oil companies will puncture a methane vein. There are believed to be copious amounts beneath the oceans of the world. If that happens, Revelations 8 will come to pass and we won't be able to stop it. Read the science if you don't read the Bible. It is said it will be global death of every living thing.
Whatever your beliefs or disbeliefs, we better take such events seriously. To say hundreds of birds dropping dead from the skies and over 100,000 fish washing ashore dead is nothing to worry about is about the most ludicrous statement I've ever heard. And why would we not be concerned? When you start seeing aquatic life affected in the manner we are seeing, something in our system is seriously out of balance. It is a matter of time before it moves ashore. Sea life, all aquatic life in fact, is very sensitive to environmental changes. When birds fall from heaven in the hundreds, we might begin to wonder if it has now moved ashore. Does anyone really believe this is "nothing to worry about"?
What astounds me is that the "experts" expect us to accept it without question! And we do. Because they are paid to know. We believe if they have a PHD they must be right. Where I'm from we don't have much respect for PHD's. It means Post Hole Digger. So I tend to be more skeptical. I question everything. I do not believe in experts. I believe in educated guesses, hunches, and my gut. They've proven far more valuable to me. My gut says this is not good.
When wildlife begins to show signs of something wrong in the environment, something is seriously wrong. Miners long ago took canaries into the mines. Why? Because if there was a gas leak, the canary would die before it was strong enough to kill the miners. It must have been amazingly comforting in that deep dark hole to hear that little bird cheerily singing. Imagine the terror if it stopped. That would not be a good sign. You can bet that every miner in the mine would know in minutes to get out. Death was in the mine.
Anyone check the canary lately? Something is in the air.....and it's killing the birds.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Sunshine Across the Desk
The only bright spot in the day is in the middle of my desk calendar. I'm buried under work and it won't get better. I'm not going to begin a litany of all that is wrong but lets just say I've been summoned to the corp. office this week to "assist" in some work there.... Yes, I have. By the Interim Executive Director, a very nice lady who admits she knows nothing.
When I called to ask for details on exactly what I'm expected to do she didn't seem to know. The accounting guy needs to go over some records. I and another person were chosen. In my mind I wonder why but don't ask.
I go to my supervisor. He was not consulted about who is to go. He was told to send me and T. While I was there, the E.D. called me back to say I wasn't in trouble or anything (nice to know) but that we were the only two people who seemed to know what was going on in the department. !!!! There are 14 of us here. I can assure you most know exactly what they are doing.
If you know me very well at all, you know that flattery is absolutely wasted on me. I just don't buy into it. You can't flatter me. If I tell you you are wonderful, I mean it. If someone else tells me I'm wonderful, I suspect they want something. I can't help it. It is just the way I'm wired. I've always been that way. I've been called beautiful by people I don't know very well. Hogwash. They're either blind or the village idiot or they want something. If they told me I'm very smart... I might agree but not because I'm flattered. I'd be glad they have enough intelligence to recognize it. Or, in the case cited above... I'd suspect you want me to do someone else's job. Either way, not good.
So, on Friday I go to corporate.
My boss said, "I think the accounting guy likes you."
I said, "He doesn't know me."
My boss said, "I hate him so I can't go."
"You know that I have no problem bearding the lions at Court Street."
He looked at me and then T and said, "Maybe you should let T do the talking. Sometimes you're delivery is lacking."
I looked at him. "It is what it is."
T. said, "She can do the talking."
When I called to ask for details on exactly what I'm expected to do she didn't seem to know. The accounting guy needs to go over some records. I and another person were chosen. In my mind I wonder why but don't ask.
I go to my supervisor. He was not consulted about who is to go. He was told to send me and T. While I was there, the E.D. called me back to say I wasn't in trouble or anything (nice to know) but that we were the only two people who seemed to know what was going on in the department. !!!! There are 14 of us here. I can assure you most know exactly what they are doing.
If you know me very well at all, you know that flattery is absolutely wasted on me. I just don't buy into it. You can't flatter me. If I tell you you are wonderful, I mean it. If someone else tells me I'm wonderful, I suspect they want something. I can't help it. It is just the way I'm wired. I've always been that way. I've been called beautiful by people I don't know very well. Hogwash. They're either blind or the village idiot or they want something. If they told me I'm very smart... I might agree but not because I'm flattered. I'd be glad they have enough intelligence to recognize it. Or, in the case cited above... I'd suspect you want me to do someone else's job. Either way, not good.
So, on Friday I go to corporate.
My boss said, "I think the accounting guy likes you."
I said, "He doesn't know me."
My boss said, "I hate him so I can't go."
"You know that I have no problem bearding the lions at Court Street."
He looked at me and then T and said, "Maybe you should let T do the talking. Sometimes you're delivery is lacking."
I looked at him. "It is what it is."
T. said, "She can do the talking."
Monday, January 3, 2011
Understanding The Technology
My youngest son was about 3 years old when the military began using desktop computers. My husband brought this home one day from work. Someone gave it to him. I have no idea who drew it or thought up the concept. I doubt it was Bill Gates. I've kept it for years but since I'm cleaning out, I'm tossing it away too. I have scanned it and will have a disk copy. However, I'm sending it out to the world via Multiply. As far as I am aware it is not protected. When I was in college. I gave it to one of my professors. Before I knew it I was seeing it all over the campus on bulletin boards. For some reason, people find it amusing. I hope it helps you understand your computer better.
Forward Motion
Sarah is napping on my sofa. Dave and Becca came in and he is napping on my bed. Becca had to be there this morning to finish her registration and get her books. We have a ham in the oven that was intended for New Year's day but things sort of didn't work out that way. Dave has school tonight.
I am not doing much of anything. I've spent the morning dealing with HRH and once she went down, I was a bit at loose ends. Now, I don't know what I want to do. The ham sounds good with potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce.
I'm at a bit of a loss. I feel as if I'm waiting for something. It is very frustrating. I'm not actually waiting for anything, as far as I know. But it feels as if I'm on that platform checking my watch.
I hate waiting.
I am not doing much of anything. I've spent the morning dealing with HRH and once she went down, I was a bit at loose ends. Now, I don't know what I want to do. The ham sounds good with potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce.
I'm at a bit of a loss. I feel as if I'm waiting for something. It is very frustrating. I'm not actually waiting for anything, as far as I know. But it feels as if I'm on that platform checking my watch.
Finally, A Monday that Doesn't Stink
Idnit amazin?A Monday that looks good on the outside and in which I don't feel like I've been pounded with a hammer. I do hope this is a portent of the next 51 Mondays.
I'm up a bit earlier than I've been getting up. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I need to finish loose ends here. I still have papers here and there to sort through but most of the damage is done for now. I have one fully cleaned, painted, and organized closet. I have a second that is a bit more organized. I have one on the way and two more that I have to just empty and do the same.
I'm raising the bars in them as well. Most are just head height on my but I need them a bit higher. The storage up top is not very useful anyway and simply makes me stick things back. So, will eliminate it and put storage at the bottom that is a bit more practical. I'll lose about a foot but that's ok since I won't be keeping as much excess baggage. In my hall closet I put my blankets, first putting them in plastic garbage bags so they stay cleaner. The ends are open to allow them to breath but they won't collect as much dust as they would just lying on the shelf. I had them stored in a huge plastic tub that just got in the way in the closet. I gave it to Becca.
I have not been writing at all. I don't know what has happened. I haven't had any contact with my writing group. They seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. Some of the NaNo'ers have stayed in touch so I'm going to try and arrange to meet with them. It has been hard with the holidays. We'll see.
Sarah just arrived to spend the day. Dave and Becca start school today and since this is the first day I said she could spend it with me. After today, they go on a schedule where Becca goes in the mornings and Dave in the evenings. So one of them will be able to keep her at all times.
I am going to see what we can get into now. I have some things to do but when HRH is here it seems they don't get done a well.
Since I started this we have spent about two hours cuddling in my still warm bed and telling stories. Then we got a "nice shower". That is what Sarah called it. She played with the doll house and a movie in the background. I suppose she is used to background noises where I am not. She can't be in a room without them. She hears every sound and the silence disturbs her. So, movies. And now, she is taking a nap.
I'm going to find food.
I'm up a bit earlier than I've been getting up. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I need to finish loose ends here. I still have papers here and there to sort through but most of the damage is done for now. I have one fully cleaned, painted, and organized closet. I have a second that is a bit more organized. I have one on the way and two more that I have to just empty and do the same.
I'm raising the bars in them as well. Most are just head height on my but I need them a bit higher. The storage up top is not very useful anyway and simply makes me stick things back. So, will eliminate it and put storage at the bottom that is a bit more practical. I'll lose about a foot but that's ok since I won't be keeping as much excess baggage. In my hall closet I put my blankets, first putting them in plastic garbage bags so they stay cleaner. The ends are open to allow them to breath but they won't collect as much dust as they would just lying on the shelf. I had them stored in a huge plastic tub that just got in the way in the closet. I gave it to Becca.
I have not been writing at all. I don't know what has happened. I haven't had any contact with my writing group. They seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. Some of the NaNo'ers have stayed in touch so I'm going to try and arrange to meet with them. It has been hard with the holidays. We'll see.
Sarah just arrived to spend the day. Dave and Becca start school today and since this is the first day I said she could spend it with me. After today, they go on a schedule where Becca goes in the mornings and Dave in the evenings. So one of them will be able to keep her at all times.
I am going to see what we can get into now. I have some things to do but when HRH is here it seems they don't get done a well.
Since I started this we have spent about two hours cuddling in my still warm bed and telling stories. Then we got a "nice shower". That is what Sarah called it. She played with the doll house and a movie in the background. I suppose she is used to background noises where I am not. She can't be in a room without them. She hears every sound and the silence disturbs her. So, movies. And now, she is taking a nap.
I'm going to find food.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
First Sunday of the Year
I have been here all day at my desk, cleaning out bins and boxes and paying bills. In fact for the last three days I've been throwing things away all over the house... even discarding books. Becca saw me last night boxing books and she said, "Mom... you're getting rid of books?"
I said, "Yes. I'm getting rid of books." I never get rid of books that are shelved because that means they are special to me. They are all hardbacks except for a few paperbacks I found stacked that I had already read. I suspect in the coming months, I'll be getting rid of more of them. My intention is to be rid of nearly all my books in the next year. I will take it slowly as these are all books I love and feel comfortable with them around me. It isn't a resolution, just an intent. I had a desire once to have room in which all four walls were covered in books. Jerry was going to make one for me. I no longer have the desire. Now, it seems I want all of them gone. I was studying the bookcase in the guest room. I have a shelf of Christian books, a shelf of history books, a shelf of more classical literature, a shelf of children's books, and a shelf of textbooks on Anthropology, photography, geology, psychology, business law, journalism, and political science. I had an eclectic education at university. They all need to go.
It all has to go. I have too much weight. I look around and think of all that would have to be done if I were to die suddenly. I can't bear the thought of my family trying to sort through all that I have clung, too. I have had to deal with all that Jerry left behind. It has taken two years of picking up things and trying to let go. I still have things here that were his that really don't need to be here. I can't do that to other people. Mike would be crippled by the choices if that happened. I have to get rid of everything I can. I can't take them with me. They mean nothing to anyone else.
I gave Becca my solid oak table Saturday. It is one long table, no inserts, that seats six. It still has the original ladder back chairs I bought to go with it. Virtually impossible to tear up ladder back chairs. I bought that thing new and unfinished in 1988. I stained it, finished it and raised my family around it. Twenty-two years of meals, games, school work, and memories. I've no need of it now. I've told her if she decides she no longer wants it it must come home. I don't think it will. If she takes care of it, it will last another 50 years. Oak, when cared for, last forever.
I've filled five trash bags with paper. Paper! Why do I have all that stuff? I started Friday and began making piles. I went over and over them, each time throwing more and more away, wondering why I kept it the first time. Then, wondering why when I made the pile I still hung onto it. I went through some things half a dozen times but each time, more went out. I've tossed a pile of old cassette tapes, maybe 50 of them. I have a player but I threw a bunch away. I kept those I really liked and may actually play. I wish I could get them onto a CD and then I'd toss them for good. I have all the tapes that were my and Jerry's favorites.
Today, it is the business end of things I am working on. I have to prepare for tax time and my desk is buried and has been for months. I'm sorting the remodel items so they are easy to locate and I'm tossing stuff that has been lying around for a year... I don't know why I put it in my bill bin.
I will be sorting the "paid" bin, too. I usually keep paid things a year and then decided if warranties are a factor. If so, they go to a special file. Everything else will be tossed.
It is a tedious task that I hate, more now than before. Probably because I am shedding things I would not normally shed. But then my life is no longer normal. The image that came to mind when I typed that statement was of a train depot. I'm standing on the platform looking at my watch. It is cold and windy and people are milling around while I stand with my suitcase at my feet, waiting.
I'm off now. Still trying to get things sorted out. Mike called to see if I was going to church. I honestly haven't decided. I hate to stop and leave this mess. I've been doing that every night for the last couple of days. I'd kind of like tomorrow to be a day I don't do anything but relax. It will be the only day for ten days that I do if it happens.
I hope everyone's New Year is off to a good start. And I hope it brings all of us better times.
I said, "Yes. I'm getting rid of books." I never get rid of books that are shelved because that means they are special to me. They are all hardbacks except for a few paperbacks I found stacked that I had already read. I suspect in the coming months, I'll be getting rid of more of them. My intention is to be rid of nearly all my books in the next year. I will take it slowly as these are all books I love and feel comfortable with them around me. It isn't a resolution, just an intent. I had a desire once to have room in which all four walls were covered in books. Jerry was going to make one for me. I no longer have the desire. Now, it seems I want all of them gone. I was studying the bookcase in the guest room. I have a shelf of Christian books, a shelf of history books, a shelf of more classical literature, a shelf of children's books, and a shelf of textbooks on Anthropology, photography, geology, psychology, business law, journalism, and political science. I had an eclectic education at university. They all need to go.
It all has to go. I have too much weight. I look around and think of all that would have to be done if I were to die suddenly. I can't bear the thought of my family trying to sort through all that I have clung, too. I have had to deal with all that Jerry left behind. It has taken two years of picking up things and trying to let go. I still have things here that were his that really don't need to be here. I can't do that to other people. Mike would be crippled by the choices if that happened. I have to get rid of everything I can. I can't take them with me. They mean nothing to anyone else.
I gave Becca my solid oak table Saturday. It is one long table, no inserts, that seats six. It still has the original ladder back chairs I bought to go with it. Virtually impossible to tear up ladder back chairs. I bought that thing new and unfinished in 1988. I stained it, finished it and raised my family around it. Twenty-two years of meals, games, school work, and memories. I've no need of it now. I've told her if she decides she no longer wants it it must come home. I don't think it will. If she takes care of it, it will last another 50 years. Oak, when cared for, last forever.
I've filled five trash bags with paper. Paper! Why do I have all that stuff? I started Friday and began making piles. I went over and over them, each time throwing more and more away, wondering why I kept it the first time. Then, wondering why when I made the pile I still hung onto it. I went through some things half a dozen times but each time, more went out. I've tossed a pile of old cassette tapes, maybe 50 of them. I have a player but I threw a bunch away. I kept those I really liked and may actually play. I wish I could get them onto a CD and then I'd toss them for good. I have all the tapes that were my and Jerry's favorites.
Today, it is the business end of things I am working on. I have to prepare for tax time and my desk is buried and has been for months. I'm sorting the remodel items so they are easy to locate and I'm tossing stuff that has been lying around for a year... I don't know why I put it in my bill bin.
I will be sorting the "paid" bin, too. I usually keep paid things a year and then decided if warranties are a factor. If so, they go to a special file. Everything else will be tossed.
It is a tedious task that I hate, more now than before. Probably because I am shedding things I would not normally shed. But then my life is no longer normal. The image that came to mind when I typed that statement was of a train depot. I'm standing on the platform looking at my watch. It is cold and windy and people are milling around while I stand with my suitcase at my feet, waiting.
I'm off now. Still trying to get things sorted out. Mike called to see if I was going to church. I honestly haven't decided. I hate to stop and leave this mess. I've been doing that every night for the last couple of days. I'd kind of like tomorrow to be a day I don't do anything but relax. It will be the only day for ten days that I do if it happens.
I hope everyone's New Year is off to a good start. And I hope it brings all of us better times.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year...
It is an old custom to celebrate the arrival of a new year. There are usually fire works and laughing and in some quarters, champagne. Usually you are accompanied by numerous friends or someone special. When the new year arrived at my house I was alone and asleep.
I've had two new year's alone. Like most holidays since that began, it is pretty much another day. But I did have a special treat last night at 5:50 p.m., long before my new year arrived. I got a phone call that made the end of the year much brighter than it began. My friend, Jilly, called me all the way from England. It was 11:50 her time. It was such a wonderful treat and while we were talking, 2011 rolled into England and she opened her windows and we listened together to the fireworks. That was amazing. So, I had my New Year celebration early and it was so much fun. Jilly, you are so very special. Thank you... again. What a privilege to call you friend.
I am tired this morning. I was up by eight... not on purpose but when I wake up these days staying in bed is not usually fun. I have to get up and move to stop the pain escalation that woke me. Takes about an hour to become manageable.
I'm not dressed yet but I've had coffee. I've read blogs. Now, I think I better pay the bills and do the bank statement. Not a fun new year's day at all. I have three days left of vacation and I would like them to be filled with things I enjoy. This is not one of them.
So, I'm off for a hot shower to see if I can wash away some of the stiffness. You know, I'm not really that old. I'm 54. I should not feel this way. I know 70 year olds who feel better than I do. That's just wrong.
And this could so easily degenerate into a pity party. I'll take it somewhere else. I just would have liked to start a new year with a brighter view of it. I'd like to be positive and upbeat and eager to see where it takes me. I'd like to get there without all the pain. I used to be like that. I think. I don't remember.
I've had two new year's alone. Like most holidays since that began, it is pretty much another day. But I did have a special treat last night at 5:50 p.m., long before my new year arrived. I got a phone call that made the end of the year much brighter than it began. My friend, Jilly, called me all the way from England. It was 11:50 her time. It was such a wonderful treat and while we were talking, 2011 rolled into England and she opened her windows and we listened together to the fireworks. That was amazing. So, I had my New Year celebration early and it was so much fun. Jilly, you are so very special. Thank you... again. What a privilege to call you friend.
I am tired this morning. I was up by eight... not on purpose but when I wake up these days staying in bed is not usually fun. I have to get up and move to stop the pain escalation that woke me. Takes about an hour to become manageable.
I'm not dressed yet but I've had coffee. I've read blogs. Now, I think I better pay the bills and do the bank statement. Not a fun new year's day at all. I have three days left of vacation and I would like them to be filled with things I enjoy. This is not one of them.
So, I'm off for a hot shower to see if I can wash away some of the stiffness. You know, I'm not really that old. I'm 54. I should not feel this way. I know 70 year olds who feel better than I do. That's just wrong.
And this could so easily degenerate into a pity party. I'll take it somewhere else. I just would have liked to start a new year with a brighter view of it. I'd like to be positive and upbeat and eager to see where it takes me. I'd like to get there without all the pain. I used to be like that. I think. I don't remember.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What's Happening in My World?
Rain, strain, and pain.
Payback for minor accomplishments -- Unable to walk when I got up, severe leg pain, back pain, and hand pain.
Now, I'm headed to the pharmacy to pick up some refills.
Payback for minor accomplishments -- Unable to walk when I got up, severe leg pain, back pain, and hand pain.
Now, I'm headed to the pharmacy to pick up some refills.
Monday, December 27, 2010
The Monday Morning Drag
It is a new dance, I think. You get out of bed and one leg drags along beside you. The right calf muscle refused to cooperate this morning. Yep. Just didn't want to get up. So, I hobbled along and dragged it with me. Felt pretty much like the devil had a fork in it.
No idea.
But it is Monday. And it is a drag. Lights went out at 3 a.m. Yes they did. I turned them out so I know. I was watching old movies all evening. I watched one called Sitting Pretty with Robert Young and Maureen O'Hara. It was a delightful and funny movie. The last one was one I vaguely remembered from my youth - Bunny Lake is Missing. It was a really good movie and I couldn't turn it off. I watched Tobbaco Road and found it both insulting and sad. I'd never seen it before. I wonder if anyone ever realized back then that it was an insulting jab at the south? Wondered if anyone ever wondered it that was real and if so, how it got that way?
It is no wonder that the conception of Southerners is so rude in so many places. I've met people all over the world who looked down their nose at me because I was from "The SOUTH" and said so to my face. When I was young it shocked me and I didn't understand it. But I didn't watch a lot of movies. It wasn't until I was older that I realized where much of the intellect of those idiots had been developed.
Anyway, I went to bed at 3 and got up at about 9. My usual six hours seems to be the norm. I had virtually no back pain and very little leg pain. Only when I got up. My neck, on the other hand, it a pain.
I'm going to get dressed and get some stuff done, I think. I am getting hungry and have to take my meds so maybe some lunch will be nice. I wonder if my favorite restaurant is open? No fun going alone, though. And I don't really feel like treating everyone. But I could do it.... I may.
Ok, gone for now.
No idea.
But it is Monday. And it is a drag. Lights went out at 3 a.m. Yes they did. I turned them out so I know. I was watching old movies all evening. I watched one called Sitting Pretty with Robert Young and Maureen O'Hara. It was a delightful and funny movie. The last one was one I vaguely remembered from my youth - Bunny Lake is Missing. It was a really good movie and I couldn't turn it off. I watched Tobbaco Road and found it both insulting and sad. I'd never seen it before. I wonder if anyone ever realized back then that it was an insulting jab at the south? Wondered if anyone ever wondered it that was real and if so, how it got that way?
It is no wonder that the conception of Southerners is so rude in so many places. I've met people all over the world who looked down their nose at me because I was from "The SOUTH" and said so to my face. When I was young it shocked me and I didn't understand it. But I didn't watch a lot of movies. It wasn't until I was older that I realized where much of the intellect of those idiots had been developed.
Anyway, I went to bed at 3 and got up at about 9. My usual six hours seems to be the norm. I had virtually no back pain and very little leg pain. Only when I got up. My neck, on the other hand, it a pain.
I'm going to get dressed and get some stuff done, I think. I am getting hungry and have to take my meds so maybe some lunch will be nice. I wonder if my favorite restaurant is open? No fun going alone, though. And I don't really feel like treating everyone. But I could do it.... I may.
Ok, gone for now.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Morning After Christmas
I went to bed late last night, probably around midnight. I was in total pain by then. Lower back, upper back, legs, and hands. I've only had that much pain at one time in the last year around memorial day when the upper back pain started. Let me just say that around 1 a.m. I was beside myself.
I finally got to sleep but I don't know what time it was and I woke at around 8 or 9 a.m. It is now noon. I've done nothing but lie on the sofa and mess with the computer, reading bizarre articles and changing my photo here. Back is hurting but the pain is minimal for me... meaning I'm not cringing and wincing. But I'm not moving very much.
I like those sappy paintings of families having fun in the snow or of warm rooms where you just know people will be entering laughing. Just nostalgia, yearning for something I vaguely remember and long for again. The eternal longing to go home is very nearly overwhelming for me at times. I don't think they tell you this when you are growing up. No one says, "Oh, by the way, there will be a day when you would give your right arm to go home one more time and it will be forever impossible because home will be gone. Just remember that." I'm telling you now just in case no one told you either.
I had my children here for the last two days and I think it probably was the closest to a normal holiday we've had in a long time. If Mike had not been such an ass it would have been perfect. He has his moments where he is just great and then, boom. His present was to be money. Well, as of Friday, my debit card stopped working. The bank was closed. I offered to write a check and he said he couldn't get it deposited until Monday. I know, I should have done it before the holiday closing but I have to work and couldn't get to the bank before they closed. But he seemed ok with it. I did get him some gifts but not a lot. I think he got a bit upset about it but he was reacting to everything and bickering with Dave and anyone else who crossed his path. A couple of times I had to threaten to kick him out. He just doesn't recognize jokes very well. And he and Dave never get along anymore. That's both their fault but it gets tiresome. Dave gets tired of listening to Mike's idea of amusing comments. They are usually insults they banter back and forth. I hate it. It is juvenile. If Mike could take the rejoinders it would be fine but he can't. Dave's are usually better. Dave tried very hard this weekend not to do that and succeeded pretty well in not letting Mike get to him but Mike has no brakes. He takes every single thing personally and assumes any suggestion of a criticism is directed at him. Even when it isn't. So, anything he could pick at he picked at. I had to stop him a couple of times to tell him everything was not ABOUT him.
I'm at the point now I just tell him he's nuts and he needs to get over it. Sorry, but I've had it. I can't take care of him and he needs to get a grip and just get over it. Life is not kind and neither is most of the world. I'm not going to be here forever and I'm tired of being in the middle. The rule is now, and has been for some time, if you can't keep your mouth shut and say something nice, then do not come to my house. I don't want to hear it.
Ok, that was unexpected...
We had a good dinner and we sat around a bit. Cleaning up the mess was fun.... right. Dave and Becca stayed after everyone else left and we played a couple of games. I was just so tired but I did enjoy the games.
Now, I'm going to get dressed and try to go take Mike and Patricia to lunch and give him his present. That will soothe the troubled waters of Mike's mood. Really, take him to lunch and he is ecstatic. The boy loves buffet better than anything.... except computer games. Which is why he wants money.
I hope your morning after is more normal than mine.
I finally got to sleep but I don't know what time it was and I woke at around 8 or 9 a.m. It is now noon. I've done nothing but lie on the sofa and mess with the computer, reading bizarre articles and changing my photo here. Back is hurting but the pain is minimal for me... meaning I'm not cringing and wincing. But I'm not moving very much.
I like those sappy paintings of families having fun in the snow or of warm rooms where you just know people will be entering laughing. Just nostalgia, yearning for something I vaguely remember and long for again. The eternal longing to go home is very nearly overwhelming for me at times. I don't think they tell you this when you are growing up. No one says, "Oh, by the way, there will be a day when you would give your right arm to go home one more time and it will be forever impossible because home will be gone. Just remember that." I'm telling you now just in case no one told you either.
I had my children here for the last two days and I think it probably was the closest to a normal holiday we've had in a long time. If Mike had not been such an ass it would have been perfect. He has his moments where he is just great and then, boom. His present was to be money. Well, as of Friday, my debit card stopped working. The bank was closed. I offered to write a check and he said he couldn't get it deposited until Monday. I know, I should have done it before the holiday closing but I have to work and couldn't get to the bank before they closed. But he seemed ok with it. I did get him some gifts but not a lot. I think he got a bit upset about it but he was reacting to everything and bickering with Dave and anyone else who crossed his path. A couple of times I had to threaten to kick him out. He just doesn't recognize jokes very well. And he and Dave never get along anymore. That's both their fault but it gets tiresome. Dave gets tired of listening to Mike's idea of amusing comments. They are usually insults they banter back and forth. I hate it. It is juvenile. If Mike could take the rejoinders it would be fine but he can't. Dave's are usually better. Dave tried very hard this weekend not to do that and succeeded pretty well in not letting Mike get to him but Mike has no brakes. He takes every single thing personally and assumes any suggestion of a criticism is directed at him. Even when it isn't. So, anything he could pick at he picked at. I had to stop him a couple of times to tell him everything was not ABOUT him.
I'm at the point now I just tell him he's nuts and he needs to get over it. Sorry, but I've had it. I can't take care of him and he needs to get a grip and just get over it. Life is not kind and neither is most of the world. I'm not going to be here forever and I'm tired of being in the middle. The rule is now, and has been for some time, if you can't keep your mouth shut and say something nice, then do not come to my house. I don't want to hear it.
Ok, that was unexpected...
We had a good dinner and we sat around a bit. Cleaning up the mess was fun.... right. Dave and Becca stayed after everyone else left and we played a couple of games. I was just so tired but I did enjoy the games.
Now, I'm going to get dressed and try to go take Mike and Patricia to lunch and give him his present. That will soothe the troubled waters of Mike's mood. Really, take him to lunch and he is ecstatic. The boy loves buffet better than anything.... except computer games. Which is why he wants money.
I hope your morning after is more normal than mine.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Whew!
A whirl of activity! I got up yesterday at 7:30 and got started. By noon, I'd made a trip to Sam's Club to buy items for the dinner today. Got a carrot cake. I also got four rotisserie chickens for lunch yesterday. One I refrigerated to put in the dressing today. It smells heavenly.
I also made a stop at Office Depot to see about a printer/fax/scanner. They had BARGAINS! HP for $99. They were not wireless so I didn't buy one. However, the one I wanted was wireless and was $200 at Office Depot. The same printer was cheaper at Sam's Club. So, after dropping off the food, I went back to Sam's and bought the $200 printer for.... $139.
Once back I had to run around getting started on the dinner for today. I made the dressing to have it ready to put in the oven this morning. I made brownies, two lemon pies and a banana pudding... in 4 hours.
Around 3 some six foot elves showed up. Let me tell you, it warmed up in my living room. They were bringing Christmas items for Patricia and her daughter. I'll have some photos later. They are having Christmas with our family. She is new here and has no family or home at the moment. Patricia is the woman who's baby was killed this summer. I was wrong about the age of the child. It was six weeks old. Anyway, they are having their holiday with us.
Last night, after opening presents and eating supper we played Clue for a couple of hours. That was fun. Becca won once and I won twice. Usually Mike does really good at it but he was off his game last night. They want to play more games tonight. I do not know how I'll hold out. Last night when I finally got to bed I was in so much pain I couldn't hardly stand it and I was exhausted. I only got about five hours sleep, disrupted by leg and back pain. So, I'm tired today.
Patricia and Becca helped in the kitchen yesterday and they are cooking other items today. Becca at her house and Patricia where she is staying. They will be here probably in a few hours. My dressing smells so good, I may not need anything else by the time they get here.
I was up at 7:30 in terrible pain. I can't get it under control. Can't lie down very long at all. Walking it the only thing that helps. Seems to stop the shooting pain but the lower back still hurts. I have a slight headache but I'm dressed up for the day.... black skirt, white sweater, hair up with a red bow and my faux pearl necklace and real pearl bracelet. LOL, all dressed up and no where to go and no one to impress.
I've had numerous calls today. My sister-in-law called and I was glad to hear she has met someone she was excited about. She has virtually no family left. Both parents dead, Jerry gone, their younger brother has nothing to do with any of his family and hasn't for years. She has only her son and daughter. But at this point in our lives, we know that their lives often leave us isolated. She is six months older than I am. Jerry's cousin called. If you remember her mother, Janie died earlier this year. So, I'm glad Sandra feels she can still call me. I forget to call her at times. They left us alone for so long that it doesn't occur to me. But now, they want that contact. Mike calls her here and there and I try to encourage that.
My aunt called to chat and tell me what a good day she had yesterday with her family. I'm glad that she did. I've talked to Becca and Mike several times about respective food issues.
My table looks nice. If I'm blessed with another Christmas, I'd like that darn dinning room painted and carpeted and cleaned out by next year. It looks nice when it is all fixed up. I'll even fix a place for my Christmas village. God willing.
I've been listening to Elvis' Christmas music. Jerry and I were both Elvis fans for years. I still love his gospel and Christmas music. Unfortunately, some of it is very difficult to hear. But I always feel that it isn't Christmas until I play Blue Christmas. Isn't that crazy? I always had to play that first. Jerry laughed about it. Last year I didn't play it at all and this year, I didn't dare until today.
Now, I'm going get up and walk. My back is killing me sitting here. I can't sit for very long before I'm miserable. The snow is melting and when I went for a walk I saw that the blanket on the roof was sliding off in sheets. It was very odd because everyone else's roof still had most of the snow left on their roof. Now theirs is beginning to melt but mine is probably gone. The roads are also clearing fast. The ground was not frozen so the snow won't stay long. It is currently 32*F here.
I hope all of you are having a lovely day. I'll be back again either later or tomorrow. I am hoping there is church tomorrow so I can go.
I also made a stop at Office Depot to see about a printer/fax/scanner. They had BARGAINS! HP for $99. They were not wireless so I didn't buy one. However, the one I wanted was wireless and was $200 at Office Depot. The same printer was cheaper at Sam's Club. So, after dropping off the food, I went back to Sam's and bought the $200 printer for.... $139.
Once back I had to run around getting started on the dinner for today. I made the dressing to have it ready to put in the oven this morning. I made brownies, two lemon pies and a banana pudding... in 4 hours.
Around 3 some six foot elves showed up. Let me tell you, it warmed up in my living room. They were bringing Christmas items for Patricia and her daughter. I'll have some photos later. They are having Christmas with our family. She is new here and has no family or home at the moment. Patricia is the woman who's baby was killed this summer. I was wrong about the age of the child. It was six weeks old. Anyway, they are having their holiday with us.
Last night, after opening presents and eating supper we played Clue for a couple of hours. That was fun. Becca won once and I won twice. Usually Mike does really good at it but he was off his game last night. They want to play more games tonight. I do not know how I'll hold out. Last night when I finally got to bed I was in so much pain I couldn't hardly stand it and I was exhausted. I only got about five hours sleep, disrupted by leg and back pain. So, I'm tired today.
Patricia and Becca helped in the kitchen yesterday and they are cooking other items today. Becca at her house and Patricia where she is staying. They will be here probably in a few hours. My dressing smells so good, I may not need anything else by the time they get here.
I was up at 7:30 in terrible pain. I can't get it under control. Can't lie down very long at all. Walking it the only thing that helps. Seems to stop the shooting pain but the lower back still hurts. I have a slight headache but I'm dressed up for the day.... black skirt, white sweater, hair up with a red bow and my faux pearl necklace and real pearl bracelet. LOL, all dressed up and no where to go and no one to impress.
I've had numerous calls today. My sister-in-law called and I was glad to hear she has met someone she was excited about. She has virtually no family left. Both parents dead, Jerry gone, their younger brother has nothing to do with any of his family and hasn't for years. She has only her son and daughter. But at this point in our lives, we know that their lives often leave us isolated. She is six months older than I am. Jerry's cousin called. If you remember her mother, Janie died earlier this year. So, I'm glad Sandra feels she can still call me. I forget to call her at times. They left us alone for so long that it doesn't occur to me. But now, they want that contact. Mike calls her here and there and I try to encourage that.
My aunt called to chat and tell me what a good day she had yesterday with her family. I'm glad that she did. I've talked to Becca and Mike several times about respective food issues.
My table looks nice. If I'm blessed with another Christmas, I'd like that darn dinning room painted and carpeted and cleaned out by next year. It looks nice when it is all fixed up. I'll even fix a place for my Christmas village. God willing.
I've been listening to Elvis' Christmas music. Jerry and I were both Elvis fans for years. I still love his gospel and Christmas music. Unfortunately, some of it is very difficult to hear. But I always feel that it isn't Christmas until I play Blue Christmas. Isn't that crazy? I always had to play that first. Jerry laughed about it. Last year I didn't play it at all and this year, I didn't dare until today.
Now, I'm going get up and walk. My back is killing me sitting here. I can't sit for very long before I'm miserable. The snow is melting and when I went for a walk I saw that the blanket on the roof was sliding off in sheets. It was very odd because everyone else's roof still had most of the snow left on their roof. Now theirs is beginning to melt but mine is probably gone. The roads are also clearing fast. The ground was not frozen so the snow won't stay long. It is currently 32*F here.
I hope all of you are having a lovely day. I'll be back again either later or tomorrow. I am hoping there is church tomorrow so I can go.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Woman paralysed 23 years ago 'cured by British spiritual healer' | Mail Online
Link
This is tremendous! I watched all the videos and it just got more and more amazing.
But I do get annoyed by headline writers. Only a non Christian would write that kind of headline. Christians do not believe people heal people. We believe that God heals people and that those who lay hands on a person and pray for their healing are a conduit through which healing power is delivered. God does the work through the hands of people.
Still don't believe. So explain this event to me. Scientifically, medically she was paralyzed. It is not a hoax that the accident occurred, that she was paralyzed from the waist down. Then, twenty-three years in a wheelchair, documented.She had no feeling in her legs, could not feel when she was touched. She's a Christian vocalist who's appeared in public all that time, but paralyzed. By now, her muscles have atrophied. Yet, she suddenly gets up, unsteady to be sure, but in a short time, she is able to lift her legs up and down.
And weeks later, she visit her mother, walking... in some nice 3 inch heels.
Link
Even the news media can't figure it out.
Never mind.. you don't have to explain it to me. I know how.
This is tremendous! I watched all the videos and it just got more and more amazing.
But I do get annoyed by headline writers. Only a non Christian would write that kind of headline. Christians do not believe people heal people. We believe that God heals people and that those who lay hands on a person and pray for their healing are a conduit through which healing power is delivered. God does the work through the hands of people.
Still don't believe. So explain this event to me. Scientifically, medically she was paralyzed. It is not a hoax that the accident occurred, that she was paralyzed from the waist down. Then, twenty-three years in a wheelchair, documented.She had no feeling in her legs, could not feel when she was touched. She's a Christian vocalist who's appeared in public all that time, but paralyzed. By now, her muscles have atrophied. Yet, she suddenly gets up, unsteady to be sure, but in a short time, she is able to lift her legs up and down.
And weeks later, she visit her mother, walking... in some nice 3 inch heels.
Link
Even the news media can't figure it out.
Never mind.. you don't have to explain it to me. I know how.
The Day Dawned
Wednesday dawned sunny.. and a bit earlier. The solstice has come and gone, sending us downhill toward Spring. Or maybe uphill... I suppose it depends on your perspective. I'm hoping it is downhill because that is a faster trip.
It is amazing how a little sunshine can lift your spirits and that even a tiny lift is welcomed. I was on my way to work and wondering what was different about today. Then I said out loud, "THE SUN IS SHINNING! Thank the Lord!" Really, this is the gloomiest place on earth. The cloud cover is just horrible in the winter. In the last two years, I don't look at the weather map so much to see the weather as to determine if I'll get even a sliver of sunlight. I know there is a place to check how many days of sunlight we get but I can't remember where it is. I'll have to Google it and see. I'm betting we're only getting half a year.
I had very little leg pain yesterday and last night. I did get awakened by pain in my calf this morning. I do not know what causes this pain. It is inexplicable. My feelings are that some of my muscle pain is due to taking Lipitor but I know of no way to document that except it occurred after I took it. I had to go off because it caused memory loss, too.
I have a headache. I think some of these are caused by my high blood pressure. I take medicine but I don't think it is working at times. I'm supposed to take my readings every day for a while. I keep forgetting it! I do good for a couple of days and then I forgot again.Must do that habit thing and see if it works. It only takes a few minutes and there is no reason for me not to do it first thing in the morning.
All right, I'm going. I need to do the neck exercise and see it that will help. Then, work... always work.
It is amazing how a little sunshine can lift your spirits and that even a tiny lift is welcomed. I was on my way to work and wondering what was different about today. Then I said out loud, "THE SUN IS SHINNING! Thank the Lord!" Really, this is the gloomiest place on earth. The cloud cover is just horrible in the winter. In the last two years, I don't look at the weather map so much to see the weather as to determine if I'll get even a sliver of sunlight. I know there is a place to check how many days of sunlight we get but I can't remember where it is. I'll have to Google it and see. I'm betting we're only getting half a year.
I had very little leg pain yesterday and last night. I did get awakened by pain in my calf this morning. I do not know what causes this pain. It is inexplicable. My feelings are that some of my muscle pain is due to taking Lipitor but I know of no way to document that except it occurred after I took it. I had to go off because it caused memory loss, too.
I have a headache. I think some of these are caused by my high blood pressure. I take medicine but I don't think it is working at times. I'm supposed to take my readings every day for a while. I keep forgetting it! I do good for a couple of days and then I forgot again.Must do that habit thing and see if it works. It only takes a few minutes and there is no reason for me not to do it first thing in the morning.
All right, I'm going. I need to do the neck exercise and see it that will help. Then, work...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Home for Lunch
I came home for lunch today because my usual lunch companion, Carolyn, is off from now until the new year. So, the rest of the week I am on my own for lunch.
I don't mind. I like coming home. I don't like eating sandwiches all the time but it doesn't matter really. I guess if I wanted to cook I could. I just like being at home where I can sit in the quiet and not think about anything but how badly the carpet needs cleaning.
I used ice on my back again last night and I also put it on my shoulder. I think it may have helped that a bit too. But boy my knees are really not good today.
There is a restlessness in me I can't define. I have a lot of things running through my head that I want to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to actually do them. I remember getting this way a long time ago and I'd start a project that kept me occupied for days. But everything seems to be something I shared with Jerry. It isn't the same not having him to talk to about what I'm doing.
It is crazy because I don't actually ever remember talking to him about my sewing, or writing, or crochet. I must have done because now it feels as if I am supposed to and can't. Or maybe it is because those things I could do with him sitting in the room with me and feel his presence even though we never said a word. I just don't know.
I'm going to pull out my crochet again. I have a couple of pieces I never finished that I could finish now. I could get a movie out and let it run while I work on it. Maybe the big thing is that I'm not organized. I let too many other distractions interfere. I do that with my writing, too.
No answers. Just speculation.
I don't mind. I like coming home. I don't like eating sandwiches all the time but it doesn't matter really. I guess if I wanted to cook I could. I just like being at home where I can sit in the quiet and not think about anything but how badly the carpet needs cleaning.
I used ice on my back again last night and I also put it on my shoulder. I think it may have helped that a bit too. But boy my knees are really not good today.
There is a restlessness in me I can't define. I have a lot of things running through my head that I want to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to actually do them. I remember getting this way a long time ago and I'd start a project that kept me occupied for days. But everything seems to be something I shared with Jerry. It isn't the same not having him to talk to about what I'm doing.
It is crazy because I don't actually ever remember talking to him about my sewing, or writing, or crochet. I must have done because now it feels as if I am supposed to and can't. Or maybe it is because those things I could do with him sitting in the room with me and feel his presence even though we never said a word. I just don't know.
I'm going to pull out my crochet again. I have a couple of pieces I never finished that I could finish now. I could get a movie out and let it run while I work on it. Maybe the big thing is that I'm not organized. I let too many other distractions interfere. I do that with my writing, too.
No answers. Just speculation.
It's Morning . . . Again
Another day is done and I have this and two more before my holiday vacation. I must try the motto of the Little Engine That Could. "I think I can. I think I can."
Trouble is, vacations have a way of being far too short and not being as much fun as you first imagine they'll be... at least mine do. This year I do not know what I'll be doing. This is the first long Christmas vacation I've taken since Jerry died. I had one the Christmas before his death. O.k. we are not going there today.
I'm tired but I seem to have the leg pain to a level that I'm not tossing and turning all night and I'm able to move around without cringing or hobbling too much. My knees, however, are not happy at all with things. They are very bad this morning, both of them.
There is a trick to walking if you have a bad leg or hip. "Up with the good and down with the bad." This works brilliantly. . . unless you have two bad ones. Then, well, I don't have one for that. Sit down and scooch?
Well, into the mines, me hearties. I've got piles to shovel before I sleep.
Trouble is, vacations have a way of being far too short and not being as much fun as you first imagine they'll be... at least mine do. This year I do not know what I'll be doing. This is the first long Christmas vacation I've taken since Jerry died. I had one the Christmas before his death. O.k. we are not going there today.
I'm tired but I seem to have the leg pain to a level that I'm not tossing and turning all night and I'm able to move around without cringing or hobbling too much. My knees, however, are not happy at all with things. They are very bad this morning, both of them.
There is a trick to walking if you have a bad leg or hip. "Up with the good and down with the bad." This works brilliantly. . . unless you have two bad ones. Then, well, I don't have one for that. Sit down and scooch?
Well, into the mines, me hearties. I've got piles to shovel before I sleep.
Monday, December 20, 2010
The Man with No Feet
"I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet."
I met a young woman tonight who's five month old child was murdered this past year by the child's father. When she wrapped her arms around my petite Sarah I did not have to wonder what she was thinking.
What I have lived was hell on earth. I can't begin to imagine that hell.
Right now stop whatever you are doing and count every blessing you have... leave none out. And imagine tomorrow when you wake up that every single is one gone.
Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself for the next 24 hours.
I met a young woman tonight who's five month old child was murdered this past year by the child's father. When she wrapped her arms around my petite Sarah I did not have to wonder what she was thinking.
What I have lived was hell on earth. I can't begin to imagine that hell.
Right now stop whatever you are doing and count every blessing you have... leave none out. And imagine tomorrow when you wake up that every single is one gone.
Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself for the next 24 hours.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday
I'm home today. Didn't go to church. I had planned to go last night but my leg pain got to the point I thought I'd have to go to the hospital and beg for a shot. It was simply nearly impossible to walk. I made the mistake of going shopping and that just made it even worse.
I am positive this pain in my leg is sciaticia. Maybe not 100% but most of it. I sent a note to my pastor and asked them to pray for me. Then, at midnight last night I finally went to the freezer and took out my ice packs. I have several in there. I wrapped it in a small towel, stuck it in the band of my pj pants and went to bed. Once it thawed, I got another. My leg is better this morning, with little pain. I've been icing it again today. But most of the pain in my entire leg is gone. Still have some burning sensation in my calf but believe me, that is nothing.
I'm cooking my lunch, listening to Christmas music. I have the lights on my tree, my nativity put out. I still have the decorations to go but I thought I'd have help with that. Nope. So, I'll just have to do it on my own I guess.
At this point, I do not think I will bother with all this again. I've seen Sarah once. She could care less about the tree. She played with her doll house.
Last night I took her presents to her house for Christmas morning. Her mother was telling her and she wanted to know if she could open them. She told her not until Christmas Day or she's send them back. Sarah told her mother that Santa would be pissed.
No, I do not use that term. But apparently her parents do.
I just finished my lunch, which I prepared for myself, by myself. I don't care much to eat at home. I dislike cooking for myself. It is just a waste of time since I don't enjoy eating alone. I usually just eat a sandwich. Today I made some mixed veggies because I wanted some. And I fixed a piece of spicy chicken (Buffalo chicken strips by Tyson). It was . . . ok. Then I had M&M's.. dessert, ya know.
I still have a headache. So off to do the neck exercise or find something to stop this head/neck ache.
Only four days to work this week. YoooHOOO!
It took two hours to finish this entry!!
I am positive this pain in my leg is sciaticia. Maybe not 100% but most of it. I sent a note to my pastor and asked them to pray for me. Then, at midnight last night I finally went to the freezer and took out my ice packs. I have several in there. I wrapped it in a small towel, stuck it in the band of my pj pants and went to bed. Once it thawed, I got another. My leg is better this morning, with little pain. I've been icing it again today. But most of the pain in my entire leg is gone. Still have some burning sensation in my calf but believe me, that is nothing.
I'm cooking my lunch, listening to Christmas music. I have the lights on my tree, my nativity put out. I still have the decorations to go but I thought I'd have help with that. Nope. So, I'll just have to do it on my own I guess.
At this point, I do not think I will bother with all this again. I've seen Sarah once. She could care less about the tree. She played with her doll house.
Last night I took her presents to her house for Christmas morning. Her mother was telling her and she wanted to know if she could open them. She told her not until Christmas Day or she's send them back. Sarah told her mother that Santa would be pissed.
No, I do not use that term. But apparently her parents do.
I just finished my lunch, which I prepared for myself, by myself. I don't care much to eat at home. I dislike cooking for myself. It is just a waste of time since I don't enjoy eating alone. I usually just eat a sandwich. Today I made some mixed veggies because I wanted some. And I fixed a piece of spicy chicken (Buffalo chicken strips by Tyson). It was . . . ok. Then I had M&M's.. dessert, ya know.
I still have a headache. So off to do the neck exercise or find something to stop this head/neck ache.
Only four days to work this week. YoooHOOO!
It took two hours to finish this entry!!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Video gaming systems and energy use
Link
All right, folks! You all own them. You all play them. Guess what? You pay even when they aren't being used.
All right, folks! You all own them. You all play them. Guess what? You pay even when they aren't being used.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
A Long Journey Through the Valley
I finished downloading the grief blog posts. There are 208 pages of entries. I do not think there will be anymore to download. No, I'm not "over it". Re-reading the last two years of posts, I realized that it won't ever really be over. He's always going to be gone. I'm always going to be wounded by it. I'm sure there will be other posts where I express grief over that thought.
To be unable to feel loss means you are unable to feel life. To experience the greatest joy, you must also experience the most devastating heartache. I believe we are designed to feel wounded at the loss of a loved one. Were we to feel nothing at that loss, we would also not have felt the love for that life. Whether you believe in a Creator or not, it is how we are made.
There is no cure for what happened to me and Jerry. He won't recover. I can't escape it. I can tamp down the images and thoughts that have nearly driven me insane. I can turn away from photos, shut off music, and look away from couples our age who remind me that I'm never going to grow old with Jerry. We won't watch Sarah grow up together. Nothing can fix it. The knife continues to twist with each memory, each image.
Somehow, I've managed to get some clarity of thought the last week or two. I don't know where it came from nor if it will last. I only know that while I've been reliving that long journey through the Valley of Death that it was my first trip truly alone. Jerry was not there to hold my hand. He could not lift me up or carry me when I was unable to walk. I could not call him when I needed him. I did but he did not answer. When I stood on the edge and stared into the darkness about to engulf me, he was not there to wrap himself around me and shelter me from the horrors. He always, always, always sheltered me.
There will be those who say "God was with you. He never left you." I will agree with you. He doesn't usually leave any of us. There were many days when I did not believe God was anywhere. On those days, I did not want to survive. There have been other days when I felt that He stood by me. Those are the days that I hung on the hardest. Psalms 23 says, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Most days you don't feel any comfort. No where does it say that I don't have to make the journey. It does not say He makes it easy. It does not say He stops the pain.
I don't understand how you can take this trip and show no outward signs. There should be scars that cause people to stare, or oozing sores that make them cringe. There aren't. At least, not visible to anyone but you. You see them when you look in the mirror. Sometimes there are small signs, nearly unnoticeable - lines where there had been no lines, clothes that hang, rings that won't stay on your fingers, strands of hair that are suddenly a different color. Nothing major except it is another loss you can't control. It won't be fair.
Everyone must travel the road I am on. Unless you die young, someone close to you will die. And if you live long enough, you may walk this way more than once. It will be painful. It will be unfair. It is inevitable. I suspect it does not get any easier with each passing.
To be unable to feel loss means you are unable to feel life. To experience the greatest joy, you must also experience the most devastating heartache. I believe we are designed to feel wounded at the loss of a loved one. Were we to feel nothing at that loss, we would also not have felt the love for that life. Whether you believe in a Creator or not, it is how we are made.
There is no cure for what happened to me and Jerry. He won't recover. I can't escape it. I can tamp down the images and thoughts that have nearly driven me insane. I can turn away from photos, shut off music, and look away from couples our age who remind me that I'm never going to grow old with Jerry. We won't watch Sarah grow up together. Nothing can fix it. The knife continues to twist with each memory, each image.
Somehow, I've managed to get some clarity of thought the last week or two. I don't know where it came from nor if it will last. I only know that while I've been reliving that long journey through the Valley of Death that it was my first trip truly alone. Jerry was not there to hold my hand. He could not lift me up or carry me when I was unable to walk. I could not call him when I needed him. I did but he did not answer. When I stood on the edge and stared into the darkness about to engulf me, he was not there to wrap himself around me and shelter me from the horrors. He always, always, always sheltered me.
There will be those who say "God was with you. He never left you." I will agree with you. He doesn't usually leave any of us. There were many days when I did not believe God was anywhere. On those days, I did not want to survive. There have been other days when I felt that He stood by me. Those are the days that I hung on the hardest. Psalms 23 says, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Most days you don't feel any comfort. No where does it say that I don't have to make the journey. It does not say He makes it easy. It does not say He stops the pain.
I don't understand how you can take this trip and show no outward signs. There should be scars that cause people to stare, or oozing sores that make them cringe. There aren't. At least, not visible to anyone but you. You see them when you look in the mirror. Sometimes there are small signs, nearly unnoticeable - lines where there had been no lines, clothes that hang, rings that won't stay on your fingers, strands of hair that are suddenly a different color. Nothing major except it is another loss you can't control. It won't be fair.
Everyone must travel the road I am on. Unless you die young, someone close to you will die. And if you live long enough, you may walk this way more than once. It will be painful. It will be unfair. It is inevitable. I suspect it does not get any easier with each passing.
Even as I write this I struggle with what I am trying to say because words are so very inadequate to describe this trip. There are no road maps, no signs. No one can tell you which way to go. Everyone will give you books on the journey but in all honesty, you will have to write your own story, make your own way, redraw the map.
There are regrets. I know, I know. We are not supposed to have regrets. But they are there and they are hot irons that are forged in the heat of the moment and during the journey they sear our souls. I know of no way to avoid them. I had no opportunity. I'm giving you opportunity.
I've said before that everything you care about is within ten feet of you. Four feet from my bed are two portraits of my family - Jerry, Mike, Dave & me. If I could recall a single day of my life, it would be those days, when my sons were young, my husband was healthy, and I was happy. We were happy.
I don't expect happiness to find me again. I'll settle for peace.
There are regrets. I know, I know. We are not supposed to have regrets. But they are there and they are hot irons that are forged in the heat of the moment and during the journey they sear our souls. I know of no way to avoid them. I had no opportunity. I'm giving you opportunity.
I've said before that everything you care about is within ten feet of you. Four feet from my bed are two portraits of my family - Jerry, Mike, Dave & me. If I could recall a single day of my life, it would be those days, when my sons were young, my husband was healthy, and I was happy. We were happy.
I don't expect happiness to find me again. I'll settle for peace.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Snowfall
The snow is falling lightly on the wind. We have a ground covering and it is 23 degrees out. I was going to church but I don't like crossing the twin bridges when they can freeze. It isn't fun on a sunny day for me but when there is ice, I don't want to cross them.
I sit here in my bed, under my electric blank and keep one eye on the window, which is mostly a white since I'm not directly in front of it and the sheer blurs things. It is warm but not comfortable. My upper back hates it. I rearrange the pillow periodically to make things a bit better. I could go get on the couch but honestly, it isn't much better after a bit. It is a cozy couch. You can have a lovely nap on it. But for long term sitting, it isn't good.
I have to get a new heater for the den. Or I have to have the current one serviced. We have to do that every year. It gets annoying. It won't light. So, no heat in there. I would have liked it this morning. I could sit at the dinning table and watch the snow fall and be on the computer. I have a couple of meds I need to go pick up at the pharmacy but I'm not inclined to go out.
I'm in a strange land today. It is white and cold and windy. I can't really see any paths but I know they are there. I have several to choose from but at this point I'm wandering aimlessly around, creating tracks a blind man could follow. Not that a blind man would be wondering around out here. But if he were. . .
I don't know where I'm going but I feel as if I'm going somewhere. If I could get rid of the constant pain in my extremities I'd feel almost normal. And yet, I never trust these episodes of near clarity. They are deceptive. Usually the entryway to difficult places. While I am an adventurer at heart, I've learned that most of my personal adventures are less than fun.
There have been a lot of adventures, too. But I can't remember them all. It is very frustrating. I've been praying for some of the good memories to return. The moments when we were enjoying our life. They haven't. I can't look at photos still. I have his portraits on the wall and I do stare at them for hours. I want to see his face, touch his cheek. See him smile at me. Other photos are not to be borne.
Change directions. In that direction lie jagged cliffs that will break you in pieces.
No, I'll stay here, walking in circles. That is the least damaging to the psyche. I feel like I could take a nap but I don't take naps and it is early for that. I have a mild headache on top of everything else. Probably a result of neck pain. I have to get up and exercise my neck to see if it helps. It actually usually does!
I'll be around. I actually do have to leave for a bit to get meds. I don't like going out in this but I have to have it before dark.
Hmmm, that's an interesting path over there. I think I'll try that and see where it takes me. {Looks back, waves and pulls the furry hood of her coat more snugly around her head}
See ya!
{Snow blows across the path, obliterating her tracks.}
I sit here in my bed, under my electric blank and keep one eye on the window, which is mostly a white since I'm not directly in front of it and the sheer blurs things. It is warm but not comfortable. My upper back hates it. I rearrange the pillow periodically to make things a bit better. I could go get on the couch but honestly, it isn't much better after a bit. It is a cozy couch. You can have a lovely nap on it. But for long term sitting, it isn't good.
I have to get a new heater for the den. Or I have to have the current one serviced. We have to do that every year. It gets annoying. It won't light. So, no heat in there. I would have liked it this morning. I could sit at the dinning table and watch the snow fall and be on the computer. I have a couple of meds I need to go pick up at the pharmacy but I'm not inclined to go out.
I'm in a strange land today. It is white and cold and windy. I can't really see any paths but I know they are there. I have several to choose from but at this point I'm wandering aimlessly around, creating tracks a blind man could follow. Not that a blind man would be wondering around out here. But if he were. . .
I don't know where I'm going but I feel as if I'm going somewhere. If I could get rid of the constant pain in my extremities I'd feel almost normal. And yet, I never trust these episodes of near clarity. They are deceptive. Usually the entryway to difficult places. While I am an adventurer at heart, I've learned that most of my personal adventures are less than fun.
There have been a lot of adventures, too. But I can't remember them all. It is very frustrating. I've been praying for some of the good memories to return. The moments when we were enjoying our life. They haven't. I can't look at photos still. I have his portraits on the wall and I do stare at them for hours. I want to see his face, touch his cheek. See him smile at me. Other photos are not to be borne.
Change directions. In that direction lie jagged cliffs that will break you in pieces.
No, I'll stay here, walking in circles. That is the least damaging to the psyche. I feel like I could take a nap but I don't take naps and it is early for that. I have a mild headache on top of everything else. Probably a result of neck pain. I have to get up and exercise my neck to see if it helps. It actually usually does!
I'll be around. I actually do have to leave for a bit to get meds. I don't like going out in this but I have to have it before dark.
Hmmm, that's an interesting path over there. I think I'll try that and see where it takes me. {Looks back, waves and pulls the furry hood of her coat more snugly around her head}
See ya!
{Snow blows across the path, obliterating her tracks.}
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Mom's Helper
Mike came over to do his laundry and has spent the afternoon helping me put shelves in the garage. There are really good. We used left over lumber that I saved with an eye to shelves. I have enough to add about four or five more. We simply cut them to fit between the studs in the garage and nailed them in. I put up another small cabinet that I had sitting on the floor out there that Jerry had made for us to use in the small bathroom. It is now on the wall next to the garage door. These will all give more floor space because they aren't in boxes all over the place. I want to get all my bits and pieces of screws, nails and other small items and put them in containers on the shelves.
It was nice being able to use Jerry's saw and my new drill. Mike, with direction, can do a lot of things. And working with his hands is something he truly enjoys. His help will allow me to do a lot of the minor jobs around here. Although, he and I are planning to build some shelving in the study now that I've been thinking about it. Over that area where I'm repairing the wall I am considering putting in shelves. I need them and they will hide any flaw in that wall when I'm done. It is a bit of a wasted corner anyway. Even with as a bedroom it was only big enough to have a night table there.
If they come out right, I'll do shelves on either side of the bedroom window in my spare room as well. That will allow me to get rid of that huge bookcase.
I love doing this kind of work but it is impossible for me to do it alone. Jerry and I loved making things together. I usually did the planning and holding things up but he did the sawing, nailing, and lifting. Without someone to do that, I'm limited. Mike seems willing to help, if I can get him up in the mornings.
I was going to work in the study on that wall but the shelves wanted doing first. By doing that we cleaned out a nice area to work in. The garage is so cold, though! I need a heater in there, I suppose. They make large heaters for work areas. And we aren't in there so much that it will impact my utility bill.
It was nice being able to use Jerry's saw and my new drill. Mike, with direction, can do a lot of things. And working with his hands is something he truly enjoys. His help will allow me to do a lot of the minor jobs around here. Although, he and I are planning to build some shelving in the study now that I've been thinking about it. Over that area where I'm repairing the wall I am considering putting in shelves. I need them and they will hide any flaw in that wall when I'm done. It is a bit of a wasted corner anyway. Even with as a bedroom it was only big enough to have a night table there.
If they come out right, I'll do shelves on either side of the bedroom window in my spare room as well. That will allow me to get rid of that huge bookcase.
I love doing this kind of work but it is impossible for me to do it alone. Jerry and I loved making things together. I usually did the planning and holding things up but he did the sawing, nailing, and lifting. Without someone to do that, I'm limited. Mike seems willing to help, if I can get him up in the mornings.
I was going to work in the study on that wall but the shelves wanted doing first. By doing that we cleaned out a nice area to work in. The garage is so cold, though! I need a heater in there, I suppose. They make large heaters for work areas. And we aren't in there so much that it will impact my utility bill.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Reliving the Past
I spent the latter part of the evening, from around 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.going through the blog looking for the grief posts. I've made it through the December 2009. . . again.
It is time consuming because I have to read every post to see if it is something that pertains to what was going on with me. The experience is very odd. I don't know exactly what I feel re-reading many of them. The dark and heavily emotional posts are difficult because those images are still real. I do not know how I survived those nights lying in the dark hallway, or sitting in that dark house surrounded by memories that had become enemies. I remember the darkness so very clearly. It was tangible. Sometimes it seeps out again.
The memories are still horrible and I dare not dwell too long on them. Last night I read two posts where I acknowledged I was angry. I was angry all over again but it was tempered by an understanding of the anger. People failed me. I've become more accepting of failure because of that. It doesn't hurt less.
It is the nearly normal posts that surprise me. They are normal in that I seemed to step out of the darkness for a moment. Some of these made me angry. How could I be that way when two days before I was nearly catatonic! Then I remembered that every minute of every day I lived on the edge. I clung to anything normal I could find. I was posting a lot, anything and everything that captured my mind for even a minute. That is why those posts sound so silly now. That was when I could find some relief from the barrage of memories and press down the terrible pain that was always just below the surface, seething. It is still there, buried deeper, like a slumbering volcano. They say that at some point it will go dormant.
I'll begin work on the second year this weekend. I really have no idea where to go with this. It is a glimpse of the madness that stands silently behind the closed doors or our minds, waiting for something to flip the latch and set it free.
It is time consuming because I have to read every post to see if it is something that pertains to what was going on with me. The experience is very odd. I don't know exactly what I feel re-reading many of them. The dark and heavily emotional posts are difficult because those images are still real. I do not know how I survived those nights lying in the dark hallway, or sitting in that dark house surrounded by memories that had become enemies. I remember the darkness so very clearly. It was tangible. Sometimes it seeps out again.
The memories are still horrible and I dare not dwell too long on them. Last night I read two posts where I acknowledged I was angry. I was angry all over again but it was tempered by an understanding of the anger. People failed me. I've become more accepting of failure because of that. It doesn't hurt less.
It is the nearly normal posts that surprise me. They are normal in that I seemed to step out of the darkness for a moment. Some of these made me angry. How could I be that way when two days before I was nearly catatonic! Then I remembered that every minute of every day I lived on the edge. I clung to anything normal I could find. I was posting a lot, anything and everything that captured my mind for even a minute. That is why those posts sound so silly now. That was when I could find some relief from the barrage of memories and press down the terrible pain that was always just below the surface, seething. It is still there, buried deeper, like a slumbering volcano. They say that at some point it will go dormant.
I'll begin work on the second year this weekend. I really have no idea where to go with this. It is a glimpse of the madness that stands silently behind the closed doors or our minds, waiting for something to flip the latch and set it free.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Proximity
I sat up past midnight last night. I didn't actually realize I was doing it. I began downloading posts beginning with the one where Becca posted that Jerry had died. I'm only downloading those that actually have something to do with the Death and my subsequent roller coaster ride with that entity.
I spent a lot of time reading the posts and learning a bit about myself in the process. Some were very difficult to read. Some....I don't know. It was almost as if someone else were writing them. I do not see how any could possibly be of any help to anyone else. And I'm not sure they are worth trying to publish. They are too close to be done with any skill.
But I'm putting them in one document. I'm not even halfway through the first year of posts. Not every post was about grief or death, which seems very odd to me since every waking minute of my life was surrounded by it. I seem to recall that I would actually have a problem at times finding something that wasn't about death or dwelling on my mental state, or the chaos of my emotions. I didn't think I was angry much either but I think there were times I got angry about some things. I was very angry at the way people seemed to ignore me, as if I wasn't there and they didn't care. Not my family and not even the online contacts. The people I saw regularly were the worst, these were people I expected more from but who failed miserably and never even noticed their failure. I got angry at the excuses other, more concerned, made excuses for them. Even me!
Anyway, I'm working on pulling it all together. No promises. There are some stories authors can't write.
I spent a lot of time reading the posts and learning a bit about myself in the process. Some were very difficult to read. Some....I don't know. It was almost as if someone else were writing them. I do not see how any could possibly be of any help to anyone else. And I'm not sure they are worth trying to publish. They are too close to be done with any skill.
But I'm putting them in one document. I'm not even halfway through the first year of posts. Not every post was about grief or death, which seems very odd to me since every waking minute of my life was surrounded by it. I seem to recall that I would actually have a problem at times finding something that wasn't about death or dwelling on my mental state, or the chaos of my emotions. I didn't think I was angry much either but I think there were times I got angry about some things. I was very angry at the way people seemed to ignore me, as if I wasn't there and they didn't care. Not my family and not even the online contacts. The people I saw regularly were the worst, these were people I expected more from but who failed miserably and never even noticed their failure. I got angry at the excuses other, more concerned, made excuses for them. Even me!
Anyway, I'm working on pulling it all together. No promises. There are some stories authors can't write.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday into Wednesday
I'm glad I have a garage. It is cold as ice in it but I'm glad I have it. When the howling Siberian Clippers and the snow comes I'll be doubly glad. Already the weather is biting.
I went to Carolyn's after work yesterday and worked on her computer. She had a lot of junk that was really slowing her system down. I'm not sure she isn't going to have to reformat her drive. There is something that I couldn't remove and I think it is the problem. People, don't download those toolbars! I'm telling you, the are not good. Not even Bing! They serve no real purpose and if you download every one, i.e. yahoo, google, bing, and everyone that goes with every social site where you're a member, you will not be able to see the screen anyway. For heavens sake, I don't care how cute they are do not, do not, do not download those smiley toolbars! I promise you that you will see your spam escalate. I promise you will see your system slow to a crawl. I have warned the whole department dozens of times here. But every six months or so we still end up with someone getting a crash because of some hidden program dropped by "Wiley Smileys" or his kin. One former employee had to have her computer reformatted twice in a year because of Wiley Smiley and some games she'd downloaded. We have another where they were going nearly monthly to clean her up because she played games all day and they were infecting the system. You'll do it anyway, but you've been told.
Once done there I went home and got a hot shower. I was so cold! Her house seemed very cold to me but it was also just bitter outside. I live about three blocks from her so it wasn't far to drive but the car was cold, nonetheless. Once home I got a very hot shower and got in bed. I watched some shows on Hulu... actually just one, Castle. Once that was over I tried to read but I was just sleepy.
I had horrible pain in my leg most of the night. When I got up it was terrible but about 30 minutes afterward it abated to a mild level. Nothing helps. I don't know what I can do but if it were not for that, I could sleep just fine. I think it is sleeping on my back that is causing the problem. But sleeping on my sides causes pain in other areas. On the left side it hurts my neck and gives me a terrible headache. On the right side, my hip is unbearably painful.
So, I didn't sleep well and I had a bad dream on top of all that. I don't feel good this morning at all. I am finding it hard to work because I'm sleepy. I am tempted to ask my doctor to send me on a sleep study. Something really needs to be done.
Now, it is Wednesday and I'm about a third through my work day. It can't end soon enough for me. I almost called in because I felt so bad. Once the pain subsided enough I decided to come on to work. Now, my brain wants to shut down and sleep.
I'm going to grab a bunch of files and get busy sending notices.
I went to Carolyn's after work yesterday and worked on her computer. She had a lot of junk that was really slowing her system down. I'm not sure she isn't going to have to reformat her drive. There is something that I couldn't remove and I think it is the problem. People, don't download those toolbars! I'm telling you, the are not good. Not even Bing! They serve no real purpose and if you download every one, i.e. yahoo, google, bing, and everyone that goes with every social site where you're a member, you will not be able to see the screen anyway. For heavens sake, I don't care how cute they are do not, do not, do not download those smiley toolbars! I promise you that you will see your spam escalate. I promise you will see your system slow to a crawl. I have warned the whole department dozens of times here. But every six months or so we still end up with someone getting a crash because of some hidden program dropped by "Wiley Smileys" or his kin. One former employee had to have her computer reformatted twice in a year because of Wiley Smiley and some games she'd downloaded. We have another where they were going nearly monthly to clean her up because she played games all day and they were infecting the system. You'll do it anyway, but you've been told.
Once done there I went home and got a hot shower. I was so cold! Her house seemed very cold to me but it was also just bitter outside. I live about three blocks from her so it wasn't far to drive but the car was cold, nonetheless. Once home I got a very hot shower and got in bed. I watched some shows on Hulu... actually just one, Castle. Once that was over I tried to read but I was just sleepy.
I had horrible pain in my leg most of the night. When I got up it was terrible but about 30 minutes afterward it abated to a mild level. Nothing helps. I don't know what I can do but if it were not for that, I could sleep just fine. I think it is sleeping on my back that is causing the problem. But sleeping on my sides causes pain in other areas. On the left side it hurts my neck and gives me a terrible headache. On the right side, my hip is unbearably painful.
So, I didn't sleep well and I had a bad dream on top of all that. I don't feel good this morning at all. I am finding it hard to work because I'm sleepy. I am tempted to ask my doctor to send me on a sleep study. Something really needs to be done.
Now, it is Wednesday and I'm about a third through my work day. It can't end soon enough for me. I almost called in because I felt so bad. Once the pain subsided enough I decided to come on to work. Now, my brain wants to shut down and sleep.
I'm going to grab a bunch of files and get busy sending notices.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Home Revisited
I was asked by someone who saw my post of Home if there was a spiritual meaning behind the film. I've thought long and carefully for a couple of days. I've researched the Bible, websites, and my own view of the world I live in. I found that for me the answer is yes, a profoundly spiritual one.
Of course, I believe there is a spiritual message in everything. When I was 18 an amazing woman of faith told me if I listened and watched, I could see and hear God in everything. I was astounded by that then but it challenged me to pay attention. It began a practice in me of actively trying to see God's hand and hear his voice in every event I witnessed and every place I visited. Sometime it is hard and the message is not always clear at first but I've never found it untrue.
As a Christian it is up to me to hear it. And as a Christian, I suppose it is up to me to point it out when I see it or hear it. To everyone, believer and unbeliever alike. I can't make you hear me. I would only ask that even if you do not share my spiritual views you at least hear my voice. You don't have to agree with me or comment.
I believe the Lord is coming back. I believe it is inevitable. Everything I see tells me this. However, I believe that He left us in charge of this place. It was a place of great beauty designed to sustain us indefinitely. I believe that was His plan. I believe what we are doing is as horrible a sin as murder because we have perverted his plan in every way, even by destroying the womb He placed us in.
Is this right? Is it fixable? Those are questions we should be asking. In my personal belief system as a Christian, I do not believe we can stop the Lord coming back but if we believe that all sin is wrong then we are obligated to make every attempt stop what we are doing to ourselves AND our planet. Just because I believe there is an end coming does not mean I am absolved of responsibility. If anything, my responsibility is greater. But no matter what faith or lack of faith you possess, we are all responsible for the world we live in by God's grace.
As I have grown older, I have watched in growing horror at what we have done and are still doing to this beautiful gift we were given. I realize that IF the Lord tarries and my granddaughter is allowed to grow up she will never see the teeming forest of the Amazon. She will never know the taste of icy cold spring water on a mountain shrouded in old growth forest. She will never be able to swim in an equally cold creek whose water is clear as crystal and freezes giggles out of her. She will never gaze on an unpolluted sky. Soon, she may never even be able to see a whale in its natural habitat. This is unconscionable.
For me, there is a profound spiritual meaning to the destruction of our planet. I am connected to it. It is the home I was given and I was given freedom to explore her beauty unfettered. No restraints on climbing mountains to watch the sun set or rise. No restraints to swimming in her oceans. We are free to till her soil, eat from her bounty, and when it is time to return to our Father, our forms can rest beneath her soil and returned from whence it came – earth. It is a closed environment where everything was intended to recycle. For our souls, this is a temporary home but still home.
I'm a old earth creationist. I believe God was careful in His creation. Time means nothing to Him. He had eternity to make this place. That is not an issue for me. I don't care what your position on the time line of creation is... God did it if it took seconds or billions of years. Why is that important to any of us? God cares naught for time. I believe the Bible and I believe it supports a long creation. But neither is an issue that God spent a lot of time on. He clearly indicates time is useless because it is going to be destroyed! People waste more time discussing the clocks than taking care of the important stuff, like other human beings! That is what we are supposed to be doing, caring for one another! What is the point of counting hours? God didn't create clocks.
I believe that He left us in charge of this place, to care for it and the inhabitants of it. It was a place of great beauty designed to sustain us indefinitely. That was His plan. What he took such care in creating out of love we have polluted out of greed. What he took such time in creating, we have destroyed in an amazingly short time. All of us, believer and unbeliever alike have destroyed it. I believe what we are doing is a sin because we have perverted His plan in every possible way, even by destroying the womb he placed us in.
Is this right? Is it fixable? Is there enough time left to stop it? Those are questions we should be asking. Whether we can stop the end of the world is, at this point, moot. Our actions will not stop His coming but my job is to work while it is still day. I am a steward and it is my responsibility to do what I can do to honor what He has given me. I am to do my best to aide those who share my world.
God cared enough for the whole creation that he put not only Noah and his family on the ark, he put animals on the ark! He put the planet in a washing machine to clean it up. He had no desire to destroy all he had so carefully built. And it means so much to Him that when this earth is destroyed, He has every intention of rebuilding it. This planet meant something to God. When He decides to return, what will He find? It will be so bad He already has to plans to create a NEW Heaven and a NEW earth. The old one isn't fit to re-inhabit! We have corrupted not only ourselves, but out entire world.
Is there scripture for this? I believe so.
David said in Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;
Who are we to think we have a right to destroy what belongs to God? It isn't yours to destroy!
Deuteronomy 20:19 “When you besiege a city for a long time, while making war against it to take it, you shall not destroy its trees by wielding an ax against them; if you can eat of them, do not cut them down to use in the siege, for the tree of the field is man’s food.
This is in the Law of God. But then, so is "Thou shalt not kill." We've never respected those Laws but they were designed to keep us and the planet healthy and in balance. God knew before we came here what it would take to live here. Adam and Eve were supposed to exist in a healthy world. The garden of Eden was not just a small plot of ground. It was this planet. No other planet has been located with the conditions found on this planet. It was perfectly balanced to sustain US. What a mighty God and what a beautiful plan. And immediately, we corrupted it.
Isaiah 24 is a clearly indicates why this is happening, who caused it and for what reason. This is a small but very telling section of that chapter.
Isaiah 24:4-6
3 The land shall be entirely emptied and utterly plundered,
For the LORD has spoken this word.
4 The earth mourns and fades away,
The world languishes and fades away;
The haughty people of the earth languish.
5 The earth is also defiled under its inhabitants,
Because they have transgressed the laws,
Changed the ordinance,
Broken the everlasting covenant.
6 Therefore the curse has devoured the earth,
And those who dwell in it are desolate.
Therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned,
And few men are left.
For the LORD has spoken this word.
4 The earth mourns and fades away,
The world languishes and fades away;
The haughty people of the earth languish.
5 The earth is also defiled under its inhabitants,
Because they have transgressed the laws,
Changed the ordinance,
Broken the everlasting covenant.
6 Therefore the curse has devoured the earth,
And those who dwell in it are desolate.
Therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned,
And few men are left.
For those who say the Bible is not prophetic, think again. We caused this to happen. We are responsible. And it won't stop time ending. But does that mean we can't do anything and should allow it to just continue unabated, with no attempt to correct it? Can it be stopped? The destruction, in my belief, can't be stopped. It is too late. This broken covenant was between God and man. He'd care for us, sustain us, provide us with a beautiful home. We had only to follow Him. We immediately set about changing the ordinances and transgressing the laws. You know the ones designed to keep us healthy and in balance? Ordinances: a law set forth by a governmental authority: a prescribed usage, practice, or ceremony (MW Online) You have these in your local government. They are set up so people don't have pig farms in the back yard or the city park. That'd be unhealthy!
2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
I still believe in the power of the Almighty. I can't convert the whole world. I can only give my witness and live according to the laws and ordinances that were set forth. I can do my best to do what He intended for me to do. I am only one. But in the film, at the end it says that one person can make changes and if every ONE makes changes, then we can see a difference. We may never be able to restore anything but to do nothing? “Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17 (New KJV)
It is up to me to say what I believe. It is up to me to do my part in changing my world, both physically and spiritually. I can pray all day for the rivers to be clean, for my safety of my children. I do not desire to see the effects of petroleum distillates in my children. But every time I dump chemicals in the water or on the ground, I'm contribution to the destruction. You can't eat the fish out of the Ohio River where I live. They are poison. What have we done? Did I do that? We all did. Pay attention to how many times greed is mentioned in this film.
I don't care what your religious beliefs are. You are responsible for the state of this planet if you live here. You are responsible for whether or not we have peace among our nations. You are responsible for your life at the end of time. But my job, as a believer is to speak out. I am a citizen of this world. I have a residence waiting elsewhere. But what if I die tomorrow, BEFORE the end of everyone else's time? There are still people living here! What gives me the right to leave it in a state they can't even survive in? None. And yet, it has been happening for thousands of years.
I am not a preacher. I am a lowly southern girl raised by people who lived off the land. I was born where trees grew thick and tall and smelled heavenly on a summer day. In that part of the world, they replaced trees when they where cut. Men farm the trees there for a living. I remember the smell of rain on those summer days and I marvel at how little rain falls now. I miss the smell of ozone in a summer thunder storm because the changing climate no longer produces many such summer storms. The clouds that cover my area are usually void of rain. I won't teach my Sarah to fish. What is the point? She can't eat it.
I believe we are living in the last days of time. That does not excuse our continued destruction of this planet because of our greed. We are not only destroying the planet we are destroying our PEOPLE. They are souls. If I die tomorrow, God has taken me to my eternal home. You are left here to continue defiling the home of millions. And your flip answer maybe that since I think God will destroy it all why should we care? Because it is the right thing to do.
It is a spiritual issue. I am deeply grateful for this place. I could sit and watch the trees and birds for hours and warm myself in the sun. I could sit on the beach and listen to the sound of the waves crashing on shore. All my life, I loved to sit on the porch and listen to the raging storms, watch the lightening, laughing at the thunder. No, I do not worship the creation. I worship the creator. I see Him in all of that. The works of His hands are beautiful to me.
And I'm furiously angry that man has destroyed it, continues to destroy it.There is a place in me, when I see those denuded mountains, sullied lakes and rivers, disappearing wet lands that wants to lash out at the people who did that. I can't. It would do no good. I can only attempt not to be one of them. But think about it. If I am that angry... how angry is God?
Friday, December 3, 2010
The Downhill Side of Friday
Wheee! I have about two and a half hours to go! I will be off until Monday. I have been pretty exhausted all week but I'm so looking forward to the weekend I don't care. I did not want to get up this morning. I think I sat up too late but I was reading and watching stuff on t.v. and chatting with Kat for a short time. I turned things off at 10:30 but got sidetracked with something I was reading. One of the e-zines I mentioned yesterday.
I went to the doctor today to followup on that medicine he wanted me to take a month ago but which made me stay awake. Mainly I wanted him to know why I didn't take it and that I thought I had found the culprit to the worsening depression and the severe anxiety attacks. He didn't say anything really. I told him I'd been off of it for two weeks and that I was 100% better.. compared to what I was before anyway. He suggested Yoga for the stiffness. Bah humbug.
I was sitting in his office looking at this thing on the wall. It was a shelf with a coat hook on it. I studied it for several minutes and decided I can make one of these. I am going to buy myself a router. I can make this shelf easily and put it in my bathroom with a towel rack underneath instead of the hooks. It will be sturdier and easier to hang than a simple rod and will give me the added shelf for anything I need. In fact, I think I could make this where there is more than one shelf. And I think mine will be far prettier than the simple one in his office. AND if I'm really brilliant, I could put a mirrored back on it. I do love building things.
Now if I could feel rested I think I'd feel pretty good.
I signed up for a writing clinic. I don't know how it will go but I'm trying to get some things to do for the long dark months ahead. Again, the day was mostly overcast and gloomy. Although, at six a.m. this morning the sky was really light. I was surprised because usually when I've been getting up it has been rather dark... at least to me.
For now, I'm going to get back to work. Hope you all have had a nice Friday. May your coming Saturday be sunny and warm... will it will be somewhere. Probably not here.
I went to the doctor today to followup on that medicine he wanted me to take a month ago but which made me stay awake. Mainly I wanted him to know why I didn't take it and that I thought I had found the culprit to the worsening depression and the severe anxiety attacks. He didn't say anything really. I told him I'd been off of it for two weeks and that I was 100% better.. compared to what I was before anyway. He suggested Yoga for the stiffness. Bah humbug.
I was sitting in his office looking at this thing on the wall. It was a shelf with a coat hook on it. I studied it for several minutes and decided I can make one of these. I am going to buy myself a router. I can make this shelf easily and put it in my bathroom with a towel rack underneath instead of the hooks. It will be sturdier and easier to hang than a simple rod and will give me the added shelf for anything I need. In fact, I think I could make this where there is more than one shelf. And I think mine will be far prettier than the simple one in his office. AND if I'm really brilliant, I could put a mirrored back on it. I do love building things.
Now if I could feel rested I think I'd feel pretty good.
I signed up for a writing clinic. I don't know how it will go but I'm trying to get some things to do for the long dark months ahead. Again, the day was mostly overcast and gloomy. Although, at six a.m. this morning the sky was really light. I was surprised because usually when I've been getting up it has been rather dark... at least to me.
For now, I'm going to get back to work. Hope you all have had a nice Friday. May your coming Saturday be sunny and warm... will it will be somewhere. Probably not here.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Time, Prayer, and a Hot Shower
The week has just not been very much fun. I know, I say it all the time. Even I'm bored with me. But I've just been exhausted and my joints have been so painful - hips and knees especially. I don't know what I can do about other than complain. And since I live alone, there is no one to say I can't.
The traffic is just horrendous. This is not a large town. But you would think that for the last week every person with a car has decided to take to the roads at 7:30 in the morning and at 5 in the evening! And they are stupid! They drive too slow, don't signal, tailgate, dart out in front of you. All manner of idiotic things. I just want to get to work and get home... all in one piece.
I'm trying to read some this week. Since the depression and anxiety are better, I find I can focus a little better. Not much. I'm so sleepy I can't stay awake at times. I went to Reason's to Believe and downloaded some online magazines. I printed them off because I still like printed books and magazines.
The founder of Reason's to Believe is Hugh Ross. He is an astral physicist who has a truly wonderful testimony about his conversion. When I was in college studying geology and anthropology and struggling with my faith. I found his book, The Creator and Time and The Creator and The Cosmos. These books are brilliant at giving the scientific explanation of creation and showing how it is supported by the Bible.
I've also been reading a book by Beth Moore Praying God's Word. It is a difficult book for me to read but I've had too many books fall into my hands by unexplainable means to not read it. Laugh if you want. I've been "sent" certain books to read when I needed them. There are four books, the three here, that I can definitely say were "sent" to me. No one gave them to me either. I bought each one but the story behind each purchase is how I know they were placed in my path. So, I'm trying to read this one.
Now, I think I'll find that hot shower. I said today that I needed to build myself a heated pool. Carolyn, my friend and coworker smiled and said, "Yes, and hire a pool boy."
She may be on to something.
The traffic is just horrendous. This is not a large town. But you would think that for the last week every person with a car has decided to take to the roads at 7:30 in the morning and at 5 in the evening! And they are stupid! They drive too slow, don't signal, tailgate, dart out in front of you. All manner of idiotic things. I just want to get to work and get home... all in one piece.
I'm trying to read some this week. Since the depression and anxiety are better, I find I can focus a little better. Not much. I'm so sleepy I can't stay awake at times. I went to Reason's to Believe and downloaded some online magazines. I printed them off because I still like printed books and magazines.
The founder of Reason's to Believe is Hugh Ross. He is an astral physicist who has a truly wonderful testimony about his conversion. When I was in college studying geology and anthropology and struggling with my faith. I found his book, The Creator and Time and The Creator and The Cosmos. These books are brilliant at giving the scientific explanation of creation and showing how it is supported by the Bible.
I've also been reading a book by Beth Moore Praying God's Word. It is a difficult book for me to read but I've had too many books fall into my hands by unexplainable means to not read it. Laugh if you want. I've been "sent" certain books to read when I needed them. There are four books, the three here, that I can definitely say were "sent" to me. No one gave them to me either. I bought each one but the story behind each purchase is how I know they were placed in my path. So, I'm trying to read this one.
Now, I think I'll find that hot shower. I said today that I needed to build myself a heated pool. Carolyn, my friend and coworker smiled and said, "Yes, and hire a pool boy."
She may be on to something.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Night Meanderings
I am about to go to bed for the evening. I came home from work and got a hot shower and got in bed, as I do every evening. The heat from the electric blanket has not helped much the last couple of days. I guess this weather has just tied me up in knots. My back, knees, hips and feet just hurt. Hot water helps but one can only stay in the bath so long. I've done some reading and watched tv shows.
The depression abates and clarity returns but slowly. I am filled with that constant sadness that never fully goes away. It settles around me like a cloud. Remember the kid in the Peanuts comic who had this cloud that followed him? We all laughed about it. It isn't funny. I can't shake it. I do things to keep me occupied but I'm never really happy. I exist in some halfway state, able to pretend for short times that "I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm happy."
People say things like, "You're better." "You sound better." "You feel better." I truly get so tired of it. They have said it for almost two years. These days I simply lie. Yes. Lie. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not even sorry. I'm forced to lie or people keep telling me "You'll get better." This further tires me because it forces me to continue to lie. It is exhausting to keep up appearances.
I would never have believed that people did this to widows. To expect us to wake up one day and say, "OK! I'm better now. They're dead and not coming back and so I can live my life now as if it was all just a bad dream. No problem! I'm fully recovered and my old self."
We will never ever be ourselves again. The person we were, the one you knew, is dead. It isn't a joke. It isn't going away. It isn't going to change. We are not who we were. And we don't know who we are anymore. We will not laugh at the same jokes. We will not plan in the same way. We will not look at anything with the same eyes. We will not laugh so easily. We will cry more. We will not care about your petty squabbles with you family because we know the price.
I heard a woman this past weekend being so rude to her husband in a restaurant. They looked much older than I. He was trying to help her. She was so nasty to him. I simply wanted to tell her she was a ugly harridan who ought to have to sit out in the cold so other people didn't have to look at her or listen to her. He sat at a table alone with another man while she sat with some women and acted like they were fresh cream. My gut wrenched and I wanted to slap her.
We feel hate much easier, too. We see injustice and cruelty with a clearer eye. Death is reflective. In him you see who you really are and you cringe from it. And the ugliness in others is much more sharply defined.
I hate holidays. Mama had a stroke Dec 24 1973 and died Jan 2 of 1974. Daddy died in late November or early December - I was in finals in 1990. Jerry died in January 2010. My life is filled with bitter and broken Christmases and New Years.
I thought today that if I were truly brave, truly bold I'd catch a flight to Tahiti and lie on the beach for the whole week. It is summer there and warm. The only lying I would do would be on the sand.
I'm not brave or bold anymore. I'm terrified.
The depression abates and clarity returns but slowly. I am filled with that constant sadness that never fully goes away. It settles around me like a cloud. Remember the kid in the Peanuts comic who had this cloud that followed him? We all laughed about it. It isn't funny. I can't shake it. I do things to keep me occupied but I'm never really happy. I exist in some halfway state, able to pretend for short times that "I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm happy."
People say things like, "You're better." "You sound better." "You feel better." I truly get so tired of it. They have said it for almost two years. These days I simply lie. Yes. Lie. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not even sorry. I'm forced to lie or people keep telling me "You'll get better." This further tires me because it forces me to continue to lie. It is exhausting to keep up appearances.
I would never have believed that people did this to widows. To expect us to wake up one day and say, "OK! I'm better now. They're dead and not coming back and so I can live my life now as if it was all just a bad dream. No problem! I'm fully recovered and my old self."
We will never ever be ourselves again. The person we were, the one you knew, is dead. It isn't a joke. It isn't going away. It isn't going to change. We are not who we were. And we don't know who we are anymore. We will not laugh at the same jokes. We will not plan in the same way. We will not look at anything with the same eyes. We will not laugh so easily. We will cry more. We will not care about your petty squabbles with you family because we know the price.
I heard a woman this past weekend being so rude to her husband in a restaurant. They looked much older than I. He was trying to help her. She was so nasty to him. I simply wanted to tell her she was a ugly harridan who ought to have to sit out in the cold so other people didn't have to look at her or listen to her. He sat at a table alone with another man while she sat with some women and acted like they were fresh cream. My gut wrenched and I wanted to slap her.
We feel hate much easier, too. We see injustice and cruelty with a clearer eye. Death is reflective. In him you see who you really are and you cringe from it. And the ugliness in others is much more sharply defined.
I hate holidays. Mama had a stroke Dec 24 1973 and died Jan 2 of 1974. Daddy died in late November or early December - I was in finals in 1990. Jerry died in January 2010. My life is filled with bitter and broken Christmases and New Years.
I thought today that if I were truly brave, truly bold I'd catch a flight to Tahiti and lie on the beach for the whole week. It is summer there and warm. The only lying I would do would be on the sand.
I'm not brave or bold anymore. I'm terrified.
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