Monday Flop

I came home at 3 with a headache. I've had it most of the day. Had lunch with Doug and thought the food would help but it didn't. I got worse. Once home I put on my p.j.s and went straight to bed and slept until 5:10 pm. I got up and at supper.. grits and a cherry preserves on small biscuits. I bought those biscuits by mistake. They are about the size of a half dollar but actually, for me, three is all I need.

I did have a nice chat with Doug and we've settled on a challenge to get us writing again. He's been given notice that his job will be gone in the Spring as the result of a corporate buy-out. Do say a prayer for him. He has four children under the age of 14 and his wife only works a part time job. It is going to be very difficult for them if he doesn't find something. He's in telecommunications so I don't know what the market is like here. I would hate for them to have to move. Doug and his wife have become good friends and I need all of those I can get.

I did take my Imitrex but I'm not a great deal better. I still feel sickly. I'm going to bed soon. The weather here is iffy. They don't predict any ice or snow here until maybe tomorrow. I went to the store because I was out of milk.... happens with impending storms. Actually was out over the weekend and forgot to get it. I picked up breakfast things because I was out of that too and some fruit and a veggie tray. And I picked up a drink called Naked. Health drink with fruits and or veggies in it. Becca keeps telling me to try carrot juice.She bought a Jack LaLane juicer last year and used it a lot at first and now she's back on it. She got really sick for a while with her blood sugar and says she's doing better drinking the carrot juice.

So, I told her I'd try it. I like juices but I'm not very motivated lately. I can't begin to say how tired I am. I have come to realize that working takes nearly every ounce of energy I have to function. By the time I get home it is almost too much. I don't have a solution since I am not independently wealthy and the small pension Jerry left is nowhere near what I earn. It simply allows me to remain solvent. So, quitting my job is not an option.

What I've found is I'm good for several hours after which I need to rest for a couple of hours. Then, I'm usually good for several more. But working, I don't have a way to break that up and as a result, I'm not recovering so quickly. I've tried to help myself by getting other people to do things like cleaning the house for me but it is hard to find good help. Becca's mom moved away. Becca is in school and hasn't time anymore. And there are few people I trust in my home alone. So, I don't know. Hiring a service would be far more expensive that I want to pay.

Anyway, I'm going now. I think I will take my computer to bed and watch a movie. I bought the Prince of Persia and want to see it. My neck and shoulders are just killing me tonight. I'm doing some things I think are aggravating it. Since I moved my desk at work the keyboard is too high and I can't lower it. I need a keyboard tray but the one I had won't work on the opposite side of my desk. And I need it there. Don't say ask maintenance to fix it... won't happen. I may find me a wheeled stand to slid under my desk, that might work, not sure. I can purchase a clamping keyboard tray for about $100 and will probably do that. Easier than dealing with the strain.

Ok, enough. I'm getting off here. Stay dry, stay warm, and wear grippers on your shoes!

What Follows A Sunny Weekend?

A gloomy Monday, of course! The sky is overcast but we did not get the projected rain. It could be tonight but I'm hoping this one will pass us by. I can deal with snow but the ice is no comparison. It is far more dangerous.

I am going to meet Doug for lunch today and I scheduled a writer's meeting for the 10th. I'm a bit tired of waiting for everyone to get it together. I have four or five people who want to meet up and I'm just going to do it. Doug emailed back and said he was glad I had done it because he needed it, too. Then he suggested lunch. I jumped on that. One thing about Doug, he is funny and sets my brain in motion. We can talk about writing and maybe I'll do more than sit in my chair when I get home.

I downloaded a sweater pattern over the weekend for Sarah and I'm going to attempt my first crocheted garment. We'll see how it goes. Then nice thing about crochet is it is so forgiving. If you make a mistake virtually no one will see it and you can always pull it out and start over! I haven't done a garment before so this will be a bit of a challenge. I used to be up to challenges.

Biggest drawback is my neck. I have a terrible neck ache after making some of those swiffer socks. Not sure if I need stronger glasses or light or what but I've got to work on the posture.

I'm off for now. Been working on this off and on for 45 minutes.

What Happened to the Snow?

I melted but here's the outlook for the next three days. Bleak, I tell you....
http://www.14wfie.com/story/13935925/wintry-mix-headed-to-the-tri-state-on-monday

Winding Down the Weekend

Found this in my drafts and do not know why I didn't publish it. Probably because it seems unfinished. But since I can't go back and what I do say is important to me, here is it.


I don't know about you but Sunday afternoons are the hardest for me. I have the realization that I must go back to work tomorrow but I also feel so tired from all I've done that it is just a daunting thought.

Sarah and I had a fine time and she is napping now. Must get her up soon but getting her quiet is always a feat so the thought of waking her up is a bit hard to handle.

I've posted a few photos of her in her new pajamas, jumping around the den. And in her Sunday Go To Meeting clothes with her hair all dolled up. Of course, after a ride to church and rubbing her head around, her hair is not quite as chic. That's why I take the photos before church.

I also have a few videos that will be up later. They take time to upload and then, you may have to watch them tomorrow! Annoying but too true.

I've really got to find a way to put these video on a dvd and keep them. It is nice having them here but I think someday Sarah might like to have a keepsake, when I and the blog are gone. It is the kind of thing I wish I had of family and of Jerry. Of course, she could probably care less but just in case.

I spent most of the weekend avoiding thinking about Jerry except for the time we went to take flowers. No one does that but me. Mike goes with me at times. I know Jerry is not "there". But we both held similar view about this. People should not be forgotten. And a trip to the cemetery is not a chore.

For me, and for Jerry, it is a gesture of respect and love. We both hated not being where we could visit our parents graves. He had talked about going home in the summer and visiting his folks grave. He so loved his mother and it was very hard on him when she died. The weekly calls to her meant so much. Not being able to visit that grave was painful for him. And were I the one in the ground, you would find him there every moment he could be there. So, while I do not go as often as I know he would, I go. Mike goes. I take Sarah because I want somehow to instill that same respect in her. People, people you love should not be forgotten.

Day of Mourning

End of a Long Cold Week

I'm here at last. I'm exhausted. My cold is hanging on. I had diarrhea all afternoon and last night. I felt so bad I did not get Sarah but my sister had her for a bit so that was good. I sat and watched t.v. and crocheted another Swiffer sock for Becca.

She now has three different colors to use. I'm going to make some for my friend Carolyn. We were talking about the sock the other day and she said she used a Swiffer and that she has a cotton sock that you tie on. The one I have I think it better because it is stretchy and slips on and is reversible. So I'm going to give her a couple.

Good news... my vacation was approved!



Now, I have to buy the airline tickets. I'm really excited about this. I think it will be one of the most exciting things I've done in a long time. I loved my overseas trips in the past. I love seeing new places. I've got to get money sorted out, too. Must call the bank.... And I want to get a really good camera!

I actually have from May 28 through June 12 off work so I just have to coordinate where I will be and when and how!

I'm at work and must get back to it. Just wanted pop in and give the news.

Looking for Answers

I've been looking for sources, particularly weekly newsletters, for widows that are Christian based. Actually, there don't seem to be any. Why is that? Are we less important than a drug addict, an alcoholic, a paralyzed person? Do we have no need for spiritual encouragement? Is our situation of so little concern that it is considered a waste to provide such items? Are they so few of us that it is deemed low priority?

It astounds me to find that this appears to be a common problem. Go look at your favorite support website, whether Christian or not. Come back and tell me how many articles or newsletters you find there that deal with the death of a spouse or other loved one. This is begging the question but I'm willing to bet it is slim to none.

You can google "grief newsletters" and you will find lots of items on grief. But not a single one of the major Christian based sites such as Bible Gateway, Christianity Today and several others has anything remotely resembling these carried any newsletters or devotionals. I know because I looked.

The print industry has mass quantities of books on grief. But I can tell you quite honestly that during the first year and a half, reading is nearly impossible. You can't think. You can barely remember how to put a meal together. Focusing on novel length, self-help manuals is not possible for most people going through this. Planning a strategy to combat the horrible effects of grief are equivalent to scaling Mt Everest. You will eventually get to the summit but the road is through hell. Reading for content is not something most of us can do.

For some reason the items I found on Google that seemed helpful at first glance were in little known, under advertised, and obscure sites solely about grief. They come with many titles and in many guises, some barely related to the healing process. One was called "Creative Funeral Ideas" and the banner was . . . festive. I was totally put off by the flippant sound of that. Why would you need creative funeral ideas? How far in advance do you need to plan such an event? Funeral homes have funeral directors but this title alone would indicate that one would need something far more talented than a simple funeral director, sort of like a wedding planner. It made me angry.

There seems to be a huge number of blogs by widows now. I'm no longer doing something unique, apparently. I read a few and found it odd to read my feelings scattered over the internet, written by strangers. After reading a few, I wondered again why anyone would read about my experience. It is so depressing... particularly if you are on the same train.

This morning I was reading the comments on one such blog and found it surprising how much everyone sounds the same. The stories related were like echos, differing only slightly because of the shape of the lives in which they resonate. All had a similar complaint. There is no support, no resources readily accessible to widows in their cities. Their friends seem to have deserted them. Churches don't see them.

Don't get me wrong, major and some mid-sized cities do have support groups but most groups are geared to seniors. I was 53 when Jerry died. I would have been very uncomfortable in a group of over 60 widows I think. And there seems to be a huge number of young widows, below age 50. We're at war, remember. One place stated that there are over 13,000,000 widowed person in the United States and of these, 11,000,000 are women. The men tend to remarry. Probably younger women.

So with that in mind you would think resources would be fairly prevalent. I suppose the increase in blogs is a defense mechanism we've taken on ourselves because we are dissatisfied with the lack of an effective and inexpensive support system. I mean, consider the cost of counselors, books, and seminars for all kinds of problems. It is an industry. Widowhood is not a mental illness but it can lead to them. It isn't a physical aliment but it can lead to them. There are treatments for the symptoms, just as any other disease, but no cure. Yet, there are very few places one can go for help. Most of them cost something.

I was fortunate to have health insurance that covered a grief counselor. I suspect it was pretty much a waste of money as I don't feel a lot better than I did before. You go because you hope there is a cure. There isn't. You go because you're afraid of monsters only to discover they have no defense against them. There is no armor, no shield, no weapon that will repel them. You simply fight bare fisted and hope you are left standing at the end or at the very least that you can crawl off the field and live to tell it.

Overall, I'm unimpressed with my search for resources. I am not hopeful or comforted. I wonder how the other 10,999,999 feel?

One Day

One day ..... I've spent years thinking that way about all kinds of things. One day we'll visit Europe and see castles. One day we'll own our own home. One day we'll have children. One day we'll get the house fixed. One day we'll go on a nice vacation and sit by the pool all week. One day we'll buy a new car. One day. . . . I've done those things and more besides.

But I never said, "One day I'll be a widow and live alone." The thought never crossed my mind. It was beyond the scope of my imagination. It just isn't something for which you plan or dream.

One day.... so much crammed into that phrase. We say it with so little regard to the impact it actually has on our life.

I restate something I said long ago in one of the early grief blogs. Why is so little known about an event that has or will affect every human being on the planet? Is it because we hide so much of our grief from those around us? Or is it because no one really wants to talk about it? Or is it because most of the world lives in denial that it will ever happen to them? One day.

In one day a global event happens to you personally and only those closest to you even notice. They will forget just as quickly. You will relive that one day for years.

One day can change your life and last forever.

One day. It wasn't supposed to be a bad day.

To The Forgotten

Author unknown.

He was getting
old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew whereof he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For old Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won t be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Someone who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end?

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

What?

Honestly, I sat here and tried to think of something to blog and as of right now... there's nothing. So, I think I'll get a shower and see what the hot water does for me.

And Here Comes Monday

Arriving with a freezing blast and smacking me full force as I opened my eyes. The days do not move at a consistent rate. The weekend actually seemed rather long and tedious. Mike came Saturday but we just sat around. We did go and get Sarah and take her out for a hamburger... well she had one. We waited and went to Penn Station with her so Mike and I could have a real sandwich. And we spent the afternoon with her here. I read stories to her and Mike did his laundry and watched some old t.v. shows.

Once I took the two of them home, one on one side of town and the other on the opposite, I did some crochet. I made Becca a Swiffer sock. I actually started it the night before. Yes, you heard me. I crocheted a sock like item to go on the Swiffer so she could save the $15 it cost to by those silly tissues to do the floor. Ten of them cost nearly $15. This is reusable and washable and if she had bought the yarn, about $8 and I can get probably three or four socks out of it at least. This is reversible. One side can be used for dusting and the other for moping. the dusting side had a nubby finish that picks up dust while the opposite side is smooth for moping. When you are done, toss it in the laundry. I'm making the several for her so she'll always have a clean one.

Actually the first one, a pink and white one, was almost too pretty to use on the floor. Her Swiffer is pink and doesn't have the built in sprayer. It is the mop part. If you don't know what a Swiffer is, you can Google it. Anyway, I'm now making a blue and white one. I'll try and post some photos when I'm done.

I am leaving a bit early for work. Snow fell again last night and I don't know how the roads will be this morning but I'm taking a snow route just in case. Last night my drive was slippery because the snow melts a bit and then freezes again. This morning, great sheets are sliding off the room.

I don't feel well myself this morning. It isn't the pain so much as it is just this malaise. I simply want to go to bed and stay there. I'm tired. I go to bed but get no more than 6 hrs of sleep but when I wake I'm not refreshed. So it seems pointless. But if I'm not getting enough sleep, why do I wake up? I can remember when I needed 9 hours at least to keep going. I haven't been able to get that for years. Nearly 8?

So, teeth brushed and hit the road. Sarah is still sick with a bad cold so keep her in your prayers. She is just so small we get frantic when she gets sick.

Where I been....

I got the link from Kat's blog. Very cool! But I had to do two to get it all in. Maybe this year I'll add Britian!



visited 12 states (24%)
Create your own visited map of The United States
visited 4 states (1.77%)
Create your own visited map of The World

More Bird Crap?

Link

Litterally? Well, I could not use the other word! Anyway, has anyone ever heard of a flock of birds making this kind of mess? I mean, how big would the flock have to be?

Even more interesting is how big would the birds have to be?!!

Snowed In

I took a sick day. I am exhausted. I have a cold. My back was bothering me. Take your pick. My drive is long and I'm not about to try and shovel it with a bad back. Last time I took a broom and swept a path I could navigate but this is more snow and wetter. I may try and get it clear in a while, when the sun is higher but without a shovel, I'm hard put to move that much snow.

It is lovely outside but at 7 degrees... I'll stay right here where it is warm and cozy. I'm reading news as I stumble across it. Obviously you have seen the items I've posted in the last two days. I begin to think that the whole world has gone insane. Has it been this way long? Have I lost touch with reality and the world by not having television that I missed it? My real fear is that there are more of "them" than there are of "us". And they breed.

I'm headed back down the hall now to finish a something I've started. I have moved some things around and am sweeping. This is a terribly dusty house! I really wish I could get my washer and dryer out of the main part of the house. I believe that is what causes so much dust. This summer I am thinking I will try one month with no dryer and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't then I'm fine. If it does, I must find a way to correct the problem. I also need the duct work cleaned. That's a bit expensive.

I'm considering the last week of May or first week of June as my trip across the pond. I'm going to put in my request this next week so I need all my buddies in England to let me know if that is a good time for a cousin from the Colonies to visit. I need to get it approved and purchase tickets NOW to get the best price. The last weekend is May is a three day weekend because of Memorial Day. I've been going to the cemetery on that day because they do a Veterans' Memorial service. I'd have to forgo that this year. My plans are to travel on a Tuesday or Thursday... it is cheaper because they are off days. It would mean I'd use less vacation time as well. I'd like to use ten days to take the trip and return.

So, those of you who offered to put up with me let me know if this is a convenient time.

Now, I'm off for a bit. No doubt I will be back because there isn't much to do here.

Woman who fell into fountain faces theft charges, has criminal record

Link
The plot thickens.... now we know why she needs money, I mean aside from her unemployed mate. She has fines! And look at her rap sheet!

Pray tell, what is "Practice Probation"?

Life is so much stranger than fiction. I don't really think I could write this stuff. I would never believed people could do these things. At my age you'd think I'd have gotten it by now.

I wonder if she'll sue this paper for putting all this out there? Honestly, has she kept her mouth shut, no one would even know who she is, where she is, or what she had done. The woman could have moved to any place and gotten lost. But no, she had to identify herself as the klutz, get her face in the paper, on t.v. and internet and tell every person exactly what she is made of. Astounding. Or as the Walrus said... Curiousier and curiousier.

DA: Oversight failure enabled Philly abortion mill

Link

Can it get worse? Sure it can.. please note the reasons stated as to why the state continued to allow this monster to continue to execute babies... because race, social-economic status of the women, and the "political football of abortion".

We now know the women are the victims of deceit. Land sakes! Take the whole cake! Poor unfortunate things didn't know how pregnant they were? If they had been aware of how far along they were they would surely not have elected to have an abortion? Hogwash!! Six weeks or six months, what difference does it make? This is splitting hairs at the microscopic level. You can't tell me none of these women more than six months pregnant did not know that was a living child in their bellies. They move, stretch, kick and turn over. You have to be comatose not to know! I carried two, I know! From 4-5 months you start spending long nights in the bathroom because they sit on your bladder!

Someone needs to grow a pair and stand up to this ridiculous issue. We are talking about human beings. If you are old enough to have sex you are old enough to know about birth control. If your religion won't let you use birth control where do you get off saying it will allow abortion? What kind of logic is that. You are stupid. If you don't want a baby, get sterilized. The world will be better off if you don't procreate.

This man was successful because these women wanted his services. They weren't forced to his clinic. They sought him out because they knew he offered late term abortions. Don't tell me income was a factor either. Look at the charges for those abortions. Poor people, particularly single women do not have that kind of money floating around. Where did they get it? Who paid? Medicaid? Very likely. Taxpayers? Of course!

I work with low income families. Let me tell you the first thing we think when someone comes in with a $50 nail job and a $75 hair job and $50 perfume....and no money reported. Nah, I don't have to tell you.

This is not misguided women who didn't know any better. Unless his patients were all mentally challenged, they knew exactly what they wanted, where to go to get it, and how much it cost. They were prepared for the costs which means they have an income source. Takes time for a low income person to come up with $500 to pay the light bill. These people were able to come up with what is about a three month average for a low income family. That takes a reasonable intelligence. I'm speaking as if they had good sense. It is their morality and their ethics I question.

I'm guessing there will be even more horrors to unfold in this psycho drama. And the more I read the more disgusted I get.

I'm going to get mail. I know it. Just save it. I don't care. It is wrong and all parties concerned are guilty. Will we ever know how many babies were murdered? Do we want to know?

Do they have the death penalty in Philly. Not sure if they do or what manner it is but ..... scissors come to mind. Or perhaps prison... not sure how the criminal population in prison looks on such monsters. Not well I suspect.

God help us we have become monsters everyone.

January

I seem to be in a very verbose frame of mind today. Perhaps it was getting off early that set me on this course. Maybe the snow and the quiet and the warm room have all combined to generate this unremitting desire to say something, to pour out something. Since I have no idea what it is, I can only dash off a blog and hope that something meaningful spills onto the page.

What I really hate is this directionlessness, as if I'm in an open field wandering aimlessly first to the left, then to the right, then in a circle and back to the left and right and... that's how it is. When I wake up, when I leave the house, come back and go to bed, always this sense that I'm simply wandering around with no thought of where to go or what to do.

I do not know what this stage is called. I have no idea where I am on the scale. Eighteen months to two years is the range they gave me for recovery. Is this the anesthetic wearing off? Is this the confusion and disorientation you feel coming out of open heart surgery? I've no idea.

I only know that at some point I ought to wake up and it will be daylight. I will get up. My head will be clear. I won't feel like I'm a buried under a truck load of dirt. I won't get sick at the sight of a photo, the sound of a song, or a random memory. I will walk in the rooms of my house and know why I enter each one. I will read all the books I've left lying around for two years and get past the first chapter. I will write more than two paragraphs of new novel and pick back up on the other four I left behind. I will be able to look at Sarah without feeling a sense of loss that was not mine but is.

I was looking at some sites about stages of grief and there is no real consensus about any of this. It is either three phase, five stages, or seven stages depending on who wrote the article. Doesn't matter. The three phases sound much more familiar.

• Numbness (mechanical functioning and social insulation).
• Disorganization (intensely painful feelings of loss).
• Reorganization (re-entry into a more 'normal' social life).

I seem to be somewhere between N & D. Wandering around, of course, on that great plain. I can't reenter a more "normal" social life because what is normal for me is not possible. I wasn't actually very social to start with. Really. I spent all my time with my family. Now, I spend all my free time, most of it anyway, alone. I work 40 hrs a week with people I've know more or less 13 years but frankly, do not actually see except for work duties that may arise. Mostly we stay in our offices. My largest outside contact is with people here.

Honestly, October was horrible because of the renovations. That was traumatic and stressful because he wasn't here to deal with it. November was stressful because the holiday season began and Jerry was absent. December things became worse for me, particularly when I was alone.

But January has been terrible emotionally. My anniversary on the 11th of January passed unnoticed by all but me. It's o.k. really because most people never noticed anyway but Jerry and I. Even the kids never got it. I was at Court Street that day and was talking to a girl there. She wished me a happy anniversary. But it wasn't really. He's dead so there are no anniversaries. There are "would have been married's". This year would have been 37 years. He would be 62 this year. He was getting close to retirement age and was so excited about that.

Now, January 29 will arrive in a ten days. It is our second anniversary.

I hate January.

The Stranger

Staring out the window at falling snow is not a past time I get very often. It seems to be happening more often of late. I like watching it swirl on the breeze and drift to the ground to rest. There is something in that of peace that I've only felt in rainfall. I love violent rain storms, too but I never get to see violent rain storms anymore. I would love to sit in a storm and hear the thunder shatter the sky and watch the lightening tearing across the heavens and feel the beat of the rain in my face. Instead, I have snow. It will have to do but I find snow alone is not much fun.

The world, my world, has become a smaller place, one in which there is little to look forward to or enjoy. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm simply noting a fact of life... and maybe one of death. I don't know how it changed. I still do several of the things I did before but not so much. I've stopped reading for the most part. I don't listen to music much. I don't watch movies or television much unless I'm bored and then I do it through the internet. And I really do not want to go anywhere. I think I'll start something new only to find that I really don't have the motivation to continue. Nor the energy.

I haven't been writing either. I question whether I really want to write anymore. I'm not sure blocked is even an accurate description. I don't think I'm blocked. I think I'm just no longer me. In fact, I don't know who I ever was. I find no trace of that person. Nothing at all remains of her life or hopes or dreams. Who I was seems to have left the building unannounced and with no forwarding.

I've had to come to terms with some things about myself and none have been flattering. I'd rather not share those. Perhaps that is why that person no longer exist. I don't laugh as much. I don't find certain things funny any longer. I find more things infinitely sad. Mostly, I just do not know who I am. I don't actually think I even care. Sometimes I do, but often I simply look away from the mirror.

I'm playing records today. I can't stand even looking at some of the covers, never mind play them. They aren't my records. They are our records. If I play them I can see things that happened, hear things that were said. I can feel things I felt. This is not fun for me. So, I pulled out an old set of Glenn Miller records from Time Life that belong to my sister and have no emotional connection for me. Moonlight Serenade is playing right now. And I see Jerry grinning at me as I drag him out of his chair and force him to dance with me. He was such a bad dancer but just to put my head on his chest was all I wanted and feel his arms about me.

In defense you become someone else. Someone who is not connected to anything at all. You become adept at pretense, a brilliant actor. While inside you are a quivering mass of stage fright. You don't know your lines. They changed the script.

You find outlets that are meaningless because that is the only way to function. People who meant something are different because the person you are now is dealing with strangers. You have to get reacquainted with every person the old you knew. And people you thought you cared about.... you don't. You hear yourself say that you didn't realize how tired a certain person made you feel. You are surprised by the revelation!

You find yourself thinking about stupid trivial things because to think of anything weightier would require someone to talk to about it who understands you and will listen and still love you when you're done, who might actually agree with you.

You spend a lot of time just staring out the window, watching the snow fall and wondering about the stranger that has taken over your life.

Texting shopper who fell in mall fountain sues security guards for laughing | Mail Online

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I'm sorry. There is something seriously wrong with this. Please try and read it with a straight face. And when you watch the video, try not to laugh. Well, never mind. It is funny.

Does anyone recognize a face in the video? Um, no one knew who she was until she decided to reveal her identity so she could sue? Revealing that she is even stupider than the video at the bottom of the story would indicate.

Do you think she even realizes that even more people will watch and laugh at her all over again, particularly in light of the fact that she is suing for something that was her own fault?

Abortion Doctor in Philadelphia Charged With Murder - NYTimes.com

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So, is it murder? Or is it not?

This is a monstrous article and I can't stomach it but it is amazing how values have become so distorted. Disagree if you like, I do not care. This IS A MORAL ISSUE. It is NOT a political one. I do not care what your politics are and I do not care if you came from Pluto on a comet tail. Human beings deliberately deprived of life at the hands of another is murder.You can't have it both ways. Either it is murder or it isn't. And if it isn't then there is no such thing as murder in any form.

A society who refuses to recognize the value of life in all forms ceases to be civil or sane. Hitler's solution was to exterminate what was in his view valueless sub-humans. Jews, mentally handicapped, all non-white races - the list goes on. It is a small step to follow that path. It is coming. We talk about it already... euthanasia, abortion, who decides who dies and when, assisted suicide - the list goes on.

Monsters, such as mentioned in this story, are the ones who should be shipped off the planet. Plant them somewhere they can build their own world.... say the moon. I've not doubt they do not need oxygen to survive... they are aliens.

Of course, he will get a fair trial. And if I were in his position I'd be saying that the law has already set a precedent because it has legalized a woman's right to abort her unborn child. Were I him, I would be saying that age of the unborn should not matter. It is a matter of choice. You watch for it.

I'm willing to bet there will be people who agree with him. Obviously, the women who were going to him thought so.

Should they be charged?

To the moon.