Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Day

I just got up and got a cup of coffee. It is pouring down rain outside. I am alone at home. I presume my extended family are all celebrating somewhere today. Mike just called and I will go get him in a bit so he can do his laundry and go to lunch with us. We're going after three so Phyllis can join us.

I was just thinking of what I have to be thankful about. I glanced up at our family portrait on the wall and remembered other Thanksgivings when it was just the four of us and how nice it was to have Jerry in the living room drinking coffee and watching that stupid Thanksgiving Day parade playing down the hall, followed by ball games and the boys and I playing games or me cooking in the kitchen. Later we'd watch movies. I was thankful for that. I was happier than even I knew in those days. I'm briefly thankful and profoundly bereft that it is all gone. And I am devastated I can't ever recapture, relive, or recreate those times.

For a moment I wondered how Jerry would have handled this situation. Fear for him, even now, as if he were still here and could experience it, flicks at me. I think he would not have survived it. Then I think, no, he might have been just fine. He'd be with his Sarah today if he could and I'd be a distant memory. Maybe he'd be happy and enjoying life. I like to think so. He'd need someone to take care of him.

I am thankful I am alive. I am not thankful Jerry is not. I am thankful for 12,802 days with Jerry but it was not enough. I am sorry I did not make them better days.

For now, I'm sitting in my bedroom typing this blog and listing to the sound of the rain. I love the sound of rain and it sounds soothing and lovely on the roof. Later, I'll join Mike, Dave, Becca, Sarah, and Phyllis for dinner and oddly enough we will not laugh and talk over the meal and remember good times. We'll eat and go home. We do not care about this day anymore. We are a ship with a rudder, drifting about trying to find meaning in the day and failing that, we put ashore on one of those tiny Islands of Happiness that are scattered throughout the Sea of Misery.

I truly wish I can tell you I'm happy and all is right with the world and it is a wonderful place to be. But I can't. I can tell you that life is about loss. It is the things we lose that make the most impact. The greater the loss, the more powerful the blow. And we can't escape the losses.

We get over happiness easily. We do not get over loss so well. And when we lose a part of ourselves, we do not recover. If we lose a leg, we limp. If we lose our eyes, we stumble into walls.We do not recover. We simply learn to adapt. For that we can be thankful. We are not required to be happy about it.

My Sea of Misery image came to me after I went to bed the other night and I lay in the dark and saw myself running aground some distance from shore. I got out of my leaky boat and swam to the tiny stretch of white sand where I dragged myself ashore and lay back on the warm sand to recover from my stormy journey. I looked up at a leaden sky. Not one with white fluffy clouds and azure skies. Still, I thought, I'd found an island to rest on.

I got up and looked around. It was a pitiful island for an Island of Happiness. Trees were straggly and scrawny, not enough foliage for a decent shade. But then, there wasn't a decent amount of sunshine either. The fruit was ok. There was no shelter and no one to play in the surf, to talk to, to sit by a fire and enjoy the silence.

Still it was a small Island of Happiness. I hadn't drowned in my Sea of Misery. For now I was alive. I was glad of that but as I looked around I knew that I wouldn't be here long.

One couldn't stay long on any Island. We are forced back into the Sea of Misery at some point to sail to the next Island.

We can imagine them, there in the distance, filled with excitement and laughter and adventure. We can actually see the tops of verdant trees swaying in warm breezes and lovely green mountains we imagine scaling to look out over beautiful valleys. We do not see the miles of Sea between because we do not believe life is about loss. For us, life is about the pursuit of happiness, a never ending chase for an elusive place that we can only taste for a moment. And while we are there, we fail to value it for what it is. A gift, so brief and yet so powerful that we constantly pursue it again once it is gone. It always disappears once you reach the Island. That is what drives us back into that surging Sea.

While you sit around your table today or sit with your family doing whatever you usually do on this day, get this image in your mind. The place you stand is an island. It is a small island. You will only be permitted to stay here for a few hours or days or maybe a week. Take pictures. Say the things you have never said, may never have said, dreamed of saying. Give all the hugs, kisses, and pats you possibly can give. Laugh until your side hurts and tears stream down you face.

Because when you leave that place, you can't come back.






Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Wednesday Week's End

It has been raining all night and is still raining. Not an auspicious beginning to a holiday.

I will be off four days after today. Thank goodness. I have so much to do. We're thinking we may cook after all... I don't really want to but not everyone will be able to be together. Phyllis has to work until 3 p.m. I thought David had to work too but last night he said not so if he doesn't then we will go to lunch at 4 p.m. That would work. But if he works, he would go in at 2 p.m. You can see the dilemma.

I slept terribly. Since I've stopped the melatonin I'm not sleeping as well. I am going to give it a couple of weeks. I can tell I'm not as depressed or as anxious. However, I'm exhausted. Once thorough thanksgiving, I can try and taper off the St John's wort for the depression. If that works, then I can try the doxepin again to help me sleep. I'll just have to take it very early in the afternoon. I'd forgotten I did that to combat the hangover the next morning. If all goes well, I should be able to sleep and not have that terrible anxiety and depressive episodes. One thing at a time, however, right now sleep is a problem.

I still have my cold and feel lousy. Sore throat and cough. I have a headache, too. Sleep could and is probably a factor in that. I am trying to drink a lot of water since I've been taking a cold medicine. They tend to dehydrate you.

Last night I kept waking up. I don't know the times but since the mornings are always dark I have trouble keeping track of it. I do not use a lighted dial clock. If you have a sleep disorder you don't use lights of any kind in your sleeping area. Anyway, I went to bed about 12:30 and woke around 2 a.m. Then, sometime later I woke again and went to the bathroom thinking it was around 5:30. I was very groggy and everything was hurting. When I got back to bed I hit the clock and the voice told me it was around 3:30 a.m.! I got up at just after 7 a.m. for work. I could barely do that.

I am hoping they let us go early today. Our executive director has left the agency and she used to let us go around noon on the last work day of holiday weeks. I'm not expecting it this year... not for my department.

I have not been writing anything. This cold has kept me down for over a week now. And I felt as if I was in a minor flare with the fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. Pain has been higher, particularly at night, as the weather has changed.

Becca asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Nothing. I can't think of anything I want or need. All that I would have is beyond reach. I do not feel any sense of the holiday season. I don't care to go shopping. I don't care to celebrate anything. I suppose I'm thankful for my family, my home, and my job. But I can't honestly say I care about celebrating anything.

My house guest will be here for the weekend and I am looking forward to that. I'm going to buy some hot chocolate to get read for a nice long chat. I will reveal all later. One must have some secrets to make this blog a bit interesting and keep people reading.

I'm at work and so probably should get back to it. It will be a long slow day for all of us with the rain.People won't come in much and work slows to a crawl because you don't want to start a big project before a holiday and have to interrupt it.

With that, I will leave you now. More later....


Monday, November 22, 2010

Holiday Gift

I have a chest cold. That thing that started last week in my head? Yes, that cold. It has migrated south, apparently looking for warmer weather or better pickings. Now it has become a chest cold. Upper respiratory infection they call them these days. Whatever.


Fortunately, my cold is breaking up. I've been taking medicine that will loosen the congestion. But a broken cold is miserable just the same. You cough a lot, just more productively. And I feel lousy and can't stay home from work. Thank the good Lord I only have to work three days this week. We're going out for dinner on Thursday so I don't have a ton of cooking to do either. And I may have a house guest on Saturday. It's a secret. I'll tell you later when detail are hammered out.

Today between 2 & 4 they are supposed to deliver my last new washer and dryer. I say last for a reason and you'll just have to read the other blogs for the last two weeks and watch the videos. I'm too tired to relay the details again. Suffice it to say, before buying a new washer and dryer, measure, and jump up and down on your floors.

Ok, off to eat something and head to the mines. I fervently pray that all clients stay home today. I hope they begin to celebrate early and simply not want to be bothered. Everyone, pray with me! LOL, I do not need anymore drama.

Old Sea Story


There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the chief boatswain that his men smelled bad. The captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The chief responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The chief went straight to the sailors' berth deck and announced, "The captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling any better.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Long Week Behind

It has been a very odd week I've had. And I feel as if I am unable to relate it all. Bit strange for me, isn't it?

Last weekend, as you know, Becca spent helping clean the house. I was really not well the whole weekend and my depression and anxiety were out of bounds. I had a washer and dryer delivered on Wendnesday - those new front load stackable ones. By that night I knew they were not going to work. Sounded like a Huey helicopter in my laundry room when it went into a spin cycle. Dryer worked beautifully but the washer I could only use on one cycle to keep it from bouncing. As I spent a ridiculous amount to get multiply cycles, I called and was told to exchange them.

On Thursday I want to the story, negotiated a deal to exchange them for the traditional top load machines, the washer without an agitator. By then, I was truly sick with a cold. Stuffy nose, tired, and achy. I think earlier in the week I had actually run a low grade fever but can't be sure. But I broke out into an all over sweat twice on Tuesday. Sarah was sick with a similar issues at the same time.

Saturday I got up feeling as if I were getting better. I'd started taking a cold medicine. I also stopped taking melatonin. Those of you who have been reading for a while know that I've taken this for some time to help me sleep, in fact, I may be been taking it since shortly after Jerry died but can't remember. Anyway, one day this week I was researching side effects of my medicines. I do this periodically because there is always a chance that a medicine formerly considered safe now is found to have some disturbing side effects. I discovered that with the melatonin this week. Depression and anxiety were listed as well as headache and some others. I've taken this natural supplement before but not for as long as I've been taking it. So, in light of my symptoms in the last year, rather than getting better I elected to stop it immediately. For the last two days I've felt much better emotionally and mentally. Not perfect, but better. And no, I'm no sleeping much differently.

I say this all the time. Check everything you take for possible side effects and recheck them periodically. There may be some thing that shows up later that was not known. And, medicines you take may interact but not be known until you take it! I won't take it again. Too risky. I knew something was wrong but could not pinpoint it. That was the only medicine I had not checked recently.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ideas Still Drift By

On my way to work I had a glimpse into a twist that would probably let me continue to work on my NaNo novel. The character Jack is the same one I began with. In light of last year, it is not impossible to catch up... but it would be painful. But quitting is a bit more painful than the attempt would be. Here's the opening bit called "Hunting Party"

When Jack arrived a Bob Tynan's place they were all standing around with their hands in their pockets while Lisa Tynan made the rounds with hot coffee and smiles. As she gave them the gift of both, each smiled in return and wrapped their hands tightly around hot cups since they couldn't wrap them around Lisa. Deer season had officially opened.

Each year Bob called in his best friends, fifteen guys with guns. At some point in a distant memory, they'd formed an informal hunt club. Jack couldn't remember the name of it, just that you had to like to hunt to be there and you had to be Bob's friend. The last was no mean feat.

Jack studied the group. Most were standing around in the yard, laughing and talking. Half a dozen were on the porch with Bob - Cary Lewis, Marty White, Don Hopper, Will Davis, Travis Hinley, Deven Elpers, and Harvey Randall. Here he paused.

Harvey Randall stood silent, leaning against the porch rail in his bib overalls and alternately blowing across the top of his cup and sipping his coffee. He was probably the oldest of the bunch at 65 but he missed nothing. His eyes moved around the group and Jack was certain he would be able to repeat nearly every conversation of anyone within six feet of his position.

Harvey was a former sheriff of Riker's Mill who had been both feared and loved. After a gunshot had nearly crippled him ten years before he'd been forced to resign. Recovery had been slow but he'd been as stubborn about that as he had been in his job. After he recovered he'd decided to work his farm full time. He told everyone it was easier work but just as frustrating.

As Jack stepped onto the porch, Lisa sidled up and handed him a coffee and his smile. She smelled of some kind of exotic flower. He marveled at how a woman could smell that good at five in the morning. As she moved away, the scent followed her.

Deven stood between Jack and Harvey. He was a well liked kid around town. Clean cut, tall and muscular from several years of wrestling in high school, a member of the track and baseball teams. He was the youngest in this group at 19 and the next stop in Lisa's orbit.

"Here ya go, Deven, honey," she smiled brightly and paused to lean against his arm. Her voice was as smooth and soft as silk. He shuffled his feet and blushed hard as Lisa rubbed against him. He took the cup and Jack could see he was shaking a bit.

Lisa laughed a bright bubbly laugh and stroked his arm. "Better get that under control, sugar. Your aim will be way off."

It was said so softly that Jack doubted anyone but he and Harvey could hear her. But anyone could see that Deven was clearly uncomfortable. Lisa certainly knew it.

From the yard a voice called, "Deven, come here, boy."

Adam Elpers knew which side of the tree the moss grew on and rumor had it he knew more about Lisa Tynan than Bob. He was 15 years older than Deven and more of a father figure than a brother. Adam was the one who had shown up at PTA meetings and parent/teacher conferences while their mother lay dying with cancer and their father was either driving a truck, dead drunk, or in jail. He had been a member of the group for more than 10 years.

"Hey, Jackie boy!" Bob slapped him on the back with a resounding smack. "We been wonderin' if the new lawman would show up. How ya been?"

Jack hated Bob's nickname for him. Bob knew it and abused it but they'd been friends for nearly three decades so it wasn't likely to stop soon. "Fine Bobby boy. And why wouldn't I show up? Just because I've been elected sheriff doesn't mean I can't hunt dear with the same expertise as I hunt criminals. Besides, as I recall, I still hold the record for points. I have to defend my title."

From the yard, David Wallace called out, "Yeah boy! While you were in Iraq ole Bobby thought sure he had a chance to break your record but most he got was a 10."

Chuckles went around the yard and porch. Bob flushed. "Always another year." Lisa handed him an fresh cup of coffee and smiled up at him. He draped his arm around her shoulder. "Besides, in some circles a ten is the best."

More laughter followed and Harvey stood up. "Y'all gonna stand here and gab all day are we gonna hunt?"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Midway

Wednesday and I do have a cold. I've felt bad since last Friday.

I've got the house relatively clean. The washer and dryer arrived today and were being installed when I left for work. My sister, Phyllis, was there to sign off when it was completed. Tonight I might be able to do laundry... that's be nice. I miss the sheers in the living room. It is very exposed feeling without them.

I dreamed last night that one of my legs was shorter that the other. I was trying to buy shoes or put on shoes and was having trouble walking. Very strange dream and I'm sure it means something profound but for the life of me I can't think what. I already knew I was an emotional cripple so no surprises there!

I went to bed early last night... nearly 6 p.m. My aunt called at 6:30 and asked what I was doing. I said, "I'm in bed." She was surprised but I was just so tired. This cold and everything else has just sucked the life out of me. I was asleep early and the delivery people woke me at 7 a.m. to say they were on their way.

I just got back from lunch. The washer and dryer are way to large for my laundry room if left unstacked. So, I have to get the wall done it that room this weekend and get the water leak fixed. It is barely enough room to move in there. I'm going to try and fix the faucet myself first. Then if that doesn't work, I'll call the plumber.

Now back to work.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Favored Authors - English

I posted that list of novels that is going around. Jilly jokingly noted I don't care for the classic British novels. In defense I have to say, British novelist are some of my favorites! I just don't like the long winded ones...

Here is a list of British novelist, some who are my favorites. Many, particularly those near the top, I've read everything they ever wrote. Some I've only read a few of their novels.

Most Favored
PD James. She writes looooong novels but I love to read her.
Agatha Christy is a favorite.
Dorothy L. Sayers... adore her Lord Peter Whimsey.
Mary Stewart - grew up reading her novels and loved them
Cecil Day-Lewis (Nicholas Blake) I love his character Nigel Strangeways.
John Creasey as a teenager I loved his novels about The Toff.
Margery Allingham and her novels about Albert Campion - love the BBC movies about him.
Arthur Conan Doyle - Love Holmes
Susan Howatch
Victoria Holt



Read and liked for the most part:
Colin Dexter - liked his dective, Inspector Morse... the BBC movies are good too.
Josephine Tey - read a couple of her's
Elizabeth George - read several but she writes loooong novels too
Anne Perry - read a few of her's and they are pretty good.
Ruth Rendell - read a few
Galdys Mitchell - read several
Ellis Peters - read some
Patricia Wentworth - maybe one of her's

There may be more that were not on the lists I consulted. Sometimes I pick up a novel by a person I've never heard of and read it. If I liked it I may look for more by them.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Vertigo

I got notes from several of you. My aunt even called. Just so no one thinks I've gone to Bedlam, I am struggling to get back on my feet. If someone would grab the handled that stops the spinning I might manage it.

The bathroom plumbing to the tub began leaking on Thursday. TJ came and worked all day Saturday and most of Sunday trying to get it stopped. He was successful only in slowing the leak down. I now have a huge hole in the study wall that will need to be repaired. I could stand in it.

But that's easy. I called a plumber this morning. I'm home waiting on him. He will be here sometime today.

Becca came and helped me clean the kitchen, living room, my bedroom and hallway. This established some order and got a lot of dust eliminated. I even took down my curtains and shook them out, since I still don't have a washer. But getting it cleaned and ordered helped greatly.

I've realized this month that I'm very obsessed with order and cleanliness. I couldn't handled the mess for a second and it got worse and worse. I've had several meltdowns. When the tub started leaking on Thursday, I thought I'd lose it. When TJ couldn't fix it, I was angry because I had not followed my gut on that plumbing since the second week. Anyway, now, my stupidity is costing me more. And I have to repair a large section of wall in the study. It's fine, the ceiling is damaged some how... I am hoping it is not a leaky roof since I just spent thousands on that.

Anyway, the house smells better. After it was done I had to go shower at Becca's and she and Sarah spent the night with me. When we came back in even she noticed the difference in the way the house smelled. I still have two rooms to fix. Study and den but I'll work on them this afternoon if I get the plumbing fixed by then.

The final straw to my saga? I loaned Mike the car to go to church last night. He is not able to get to church unless I go and I have not been in six weeks. We go to another town and no one can come and pick him up. But last night he went.

When he came home I opened the front door and he came in. He was dressed in black and was wearing an old jacket of Jerry's. And I realized he was taller. Shocked, I told him, "You're as tall as Dad now!" He looked at me over his shoulder and in a blinding flash it was Jerry standing there. I fell apart. I had to put my arms around him and hang on to him so he wouldn't leave me. It was horrible, horrible, horrible.

Mike seems to have suddenly grown about three inches and in the black clothes and his mannerisms I see Jerry. When he walks away from me, it is Jerry walking away. Sometimes he gives me a look that only Jerry could give. It isn't that facially he looks that much like him, he does resemble him strongly, but it is everything else.

Becca told me when he got out of the car to go into his apartment, "Mom, you know the older he gets the harder it is going to be on you?"

I said, "Yes."

There is no way to recover from this. None. So, I need your prayers, badly, just to survive it.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Out

Not sure when I'll be back. However long it takes to sort my life out. If I can.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Sick and Tired

The shower is leaking inside the wall at the shower head and at the faucet. I have to have a plumber come and redo the plumbing.

I called TJ a few nights ago and he is coming up this weekend. My intention was to have him finish up things like repairing some drywall damage in some of the bedrooms, painting doors and walls, and any other odds and ends. I called last night and he said he'll take a look at the shower plumbing. It wouldn't be so bad but the plumbing that was originally in the wall was perfect. I paid to have the shower put in in 1991. It was copper and nothing was wrong with it. I don't know why they ripped it out but now, the pvc is falling apart in there. If TJ can't fix it, it will cost me a small mint to get a plumber. over $500.

It just doesn't end. I'm sick. I'm tired.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

To All Who Served, We Thank You!


What a Mess

It is so bad I do not know where to start. And some things are still to be done. I called TJ and he is coming this weekend to tie up loose ends. I hope. I'm going to get him to do the minor repairs that are left. Holes in the walls, damaged drywall. And if I can get Becca to come and help do clean up, I might be able to stay sane.

I really wish Sue still lived nearby. I might be able to get it sorted out. Frankly, when I look around, I can't figure out what to do. It is all so confusing and messed up that I'm just over whelmed.

I have to be at court at 7:30 for jury duty. I am hoping they will decide I'm either too stupid or too smart to be a juror. While it would be an interesting thing to do, (I've never done it before) I do not know if I can sit all day an listen to a bunch of lawyers yap at one another. We'll see.

I have too much work waiting to miss a day to be truthful. This is just one more lousy aggravation. I decided yesterday, I'm not going to worry about getting caught up there until January. Why kill myself to hand the job to someone else all neat and tidy and a month ahead? I've done 12 years at this job. I've been given every dirty job no one else wants to do. So if I get shuffled out, the favored can figure out what to do with it all.

Have to go so I can eat before I go to court. I'm really tired and my back is hurting this morning.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Decision of the Day

Most of you know I do NaNo every year. That's where you attempt to write 50,000 in 30 days in November. I have a row of winner gifs on the right of the page for four years running. As of today, I doubt there will be a 2010 winner gif. Rather than tell the story twice, I'm including a post of a conversation I had with an old pal in the Pen. If you've read the blog for more than a year or two, you know that one thing I always do during NaNo is play on the forum boards in a room call The Smoking Pen Bar & Grill on the NaNoWriMo website. It is a fictional place where you create events and characters. Serge has been a fixture for awhile, the psychic bartender. LOL, and he a good friend, to have. It is a mental break and fun during a stress filled month. I am including my post today from the Smoking Pen 2010. Just simpler and much easier to read.

I stepped into the Pen and looked around. It was nearly empty at the moment, only a few writers here and there, pounding away at their laptops or frantically writing with pen on paper. I winced at that. I could think of nothing more painful than having to write that way these days. It was a thing I no longer did without pain.

"Good Morning, Madam."

I gave him a small smile and slid onto the bar stool. I stroked the top of the shiny bar, enjoying the cool feel of the finished wood. "Morning, Serge."

He placed the coffee in front of me and waited. I sipped and remained silent.

"You'll regret it, you know."

I nodded. "I already do but I think it is probably for the best."

"You could change track, go in another direction, start over."

I laughed. "You sound like everyone else for a change. That's unexpected."

He shrugged. "Hey, in here I'm who you want, no, who you need me to be."

"Well," I said, "today, I need no pressure. I need to be able to go home and go to bed without worrying about word counts. I hate the stupid story. It was a bad choice. There is no story there. I'm just writing meaningless crap. I don't want to write like that. There is too much else to do that matters."

"Do it for the pleasure."

"That's just it. I'm not having fun with this. When it stops being fun it is time to run." I looked at him. "I do not know if I'm going to ever write anything else. I've felt this coming for a while now. Something happened to me. I don't know what. I just know I can't do it. Not this time. Maybe never."

"Get some rest before you make a final decision," he said, wiping the bar between us.

I laughed. "Rest? They carry that at Wal-mart?"

"Major construction is done. Your brother has gone home. House is empty. Now rest."

Shaking my head and pushing my empty cup to him, I said, "Maybe that's the problem. For a little while, I had someone in the house to talk to and laugh with and do things for. There was sound in the house. You know, I remember saying once that happiness was islands in a sea of misery. You sail from island to island, only allowed to stay briefly at any one of them. Life is a series of losses. We learn to accept them and sail on or we go nuts and drift aimlessly in that sea. I can't afford to go nuts. I need a port."

"Madam, will I see you next year?"

I laughed. "I'm not a prophet nor a seer. Unlike some people, I do not know what comes next. I don't know if you'll see me tomorrow. But I'll be around. If I feel like it I may pop in during the month. But storywise, I'm pretty much finished."

He nodded, reached out and squeeze my hand. "Vaya con dios, amiga."

I slid off the stool and smiled. "Hasta luego, querido."

The door of the Pen closed quietly behind me. I sighed and sailed down the street.

And that is probably that.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sunday Again Passes with a Monday Chaser!

I began the blog on Sunday morning around 8. As you can see.....it didn't get finished.

Sunday Morning

I'm always thankful for another day, particularly when I get an extra hour sleep. But my body didn't notice. It woke up at 5:52 or 6:53 the old time and the same time I wake up every morning. I went to the bathroom and then I lay back down but was up by 7:30 the new time.

I woke up missing Jerry. I pulled out the computer to read emails to forget how I was feeling. It is only slightly successful.

Another NaNo day is here and I'm still behind... but I did do some catchup last night. I finally had to stop because I couldn't keep my eyes open. My doxepin with the Melatonin is very effective, more so than the muscle relaxant, in fact. I'm probably very deficient of Melatonin.

Now it is Monday again. I'm so tired. The time change has really messed me up. No matter when I go to sleep, I wake at the same time. Now... an hour earlier. I fought it this morning.

I had a virtual write-in last night and was able to get my word count up but it is still not where it is supposed to be. I hope to catch up more tonight and maybe by tomorrow's write-in at the Library I'll be where I need to be.

Randy is getting the little things done. I believe all the outside work is completed. The yard is getting cleaned. I cleared off the back patio yesterday and will be considering how to rearrange the paving stones for summer. He made back steps that are movable so when I take up the patio I can reset the stones under the steps to level them up.That will be really nice. I may pour a small slab of concrete there to really get it stable. The steps are really nice. I can even sit potted plants on them because he made them wide. I'll get photos after the clean up this week.

He will be working inside today. Getting the laundry floor cleared, finishing the bathroom sink and cabinet and trim. And final plumbing issues. Nearly there.

Oh, I really hate for him to go. It has been a mess and stress but having him here has been such a comfort and a help. It will be very lonely without someone to sit and talk with in the evenings. And someone to make me laugh at silly stuff. The other day he was working in that laundry room. I told him he has such a gift for building and that I believe that his talent was a gift from our grandfather, who was a master builder. He looked at me and deadpanned, "I wish he'd been a banker." It is that kind of humor that he handles everything.

I keep missing Jerry so much. I went by the cemetery yesterday. I just wanted to go so badly. Never a good idea. Will it ever, ever, ever stop carving a hole in my chest to see his name on that stone?

Must get back to work. The day is loaded with work and I'm tired so I have to keep moving.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Short Week Ends

I'm tired. Very tired. I did get a shower at home last night but well, I didn't like the shower head. I want my old one back. It saved water and gave me better water pressure. The new one is wasteful and a weak spray.

The floor wasn't ready, the sink wasn't ready, the toilet wasn't ready. But he is getting there. I swept and mopped the kitchen and hallway. They were simply beyond bearing. Every surface of the kitchen was covered in something. I cleaned it up. At least I could make coffee this morning. He's nearly done with the outside. He and Mike were taking trash to the dump as soon as they got the trailer loaded. If I'm lucky, more will be completed by the time I get home.

Tomorrow, I'm going look for a washer/dryer. I'm disgusted because there probably won't be one as low as I was getting that set. We'll see. Has anyone had those stack units that were built together? You can't separate them. Everyone says they are a lot of trouble. But they are cheaper.....

I have a headache and don't feel well but I'm 3418 words in the hole.Tomorrow is the 10,000 mark - where I should be. So, tonight I must get the word count at least in half to avoid a major problem tomorrow. Remember 1667 a day? Add that to my current deficit. That is what it will be at midnight if I don't get it done. The daily total is not hard if you do it but once you start losing ground it is not fun.

My story sucks. I've written myself out of a plot. Ok, so A= Jack and B = Nicole each get letters from a dead C = Wendy (best friend to the B and fiance to A) C has been dead for at least two years. So what? LOL, really so what?

Riker's Mill has become a millstone. Seems easy to set things there. I know the town. Sort of. I know the people... four stories are set there. So what?

My point is WHY? I know HOW it could happen, a valid reason that has nothing to do with malice. But C met an untimely end in a car wreck. Okaaaayyyy. So what?

I need to talk to Doug. He's good at working these things out. He really is an evil, conniving, mercenary. I always find it makes sense after he'd instructed me in mayhem.




Thursday, November 4, 2010

Dust is Settling....

All over the furniture. I've just stopped cleaning because I can't keep up.

The laundry room floor is ripped out and most of the wood for the new floor is down. I won't put on floor covering until later when I can do the kitchen. I'll get some kind of mat for the room and go with it. Cutting the old floor out made a huge mess in dust.

The new washer was standing in the laundry room and the new dryer on the new porch when I left this morning. He moved those water pipes and drain across the room (about 6 feet) and fixed some problems with the drains.

That is something the plumber was going to charge $1100 to do. It took Randy about 1.5 hrs and $20 in materials and another trip under the house. There is running water in the bathroom, a toilet and vanity. There is a window to frame out before the shower can be used and some caulking.

The house outside has only a few more touches to be done. I suspect by the weekend at the latest, most, if not all will be finished and Randy will be flying south.

I'll miss him. He's so funny to be around. But I will also be glad to get my house in order. That may take a while. It is absolute chaos and confusion. I can't find anything. Everything is covered in dust and stuff sitting around.

I've had time to write but mentally I'm not with it. I'm now 2085 words down. That is 1667 for today and my shortage of 418. Not bad under normal conditions but not a great start. I'll catch up only if my story takes off.

What I've learned is that I do not like my environment disrupted. It is extremely stressful. The confusion around me caused a mental confusion that is even more scary. Not being able to structure that environment sent me into an emotional meltdown I couldn't understand or control. I did not like it. Going to bed with things out of place and waking to them out of place and coming home from work with them out of place was profoundly nerve wracking. For it to last weeks,well, by the end of the second week I was in a bad way. Read the blogs, you'll see it. Disorder prevents my functioning on virtually every level. This was not a happy finding. If I can't fix it, I can't function.

Now, the end is near and no one, positively no one, is happier than I. But it will take me weeks to get things back together.

Now is when I need the vacation!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

NaNo Count and Other Stuff

Well, I managed to get just over 1400 for day 1. Current word count stands at 1942. I couldn't post anything last night because the site was not letting me in. That is annoying to say the least. Still I got it posted this morning. I now have to do the next 1667.

Randy is tearing out the laundry room floor. We have to pick up the new washer and dryer today so we have to have a floor to put it on. It is just nuts how everything is done in this house. Floors glued on top of floors! Nuts. Anyway, I don't think it should take more than today. I hope. I pray.

Now, into the breach. I wish I could do more to help Randy. He's working so hard. Say a few prayers for him.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Keep 'em Coming!

I awoke to a sound outside and went to the back door to see what was going on and check to see if Randy was all right. He hurt his back Saturday moving the washer. I told him he needed hand trucks but oh nooooo, they didn't need hand trucks. Anyway, I have been concerned about him.

TJ was standing looking down at Randy on the ground. Randy was half under the house. TJ said, "Don't go in the bathroom! It's stopped up. It is a mess in there!" That was an understatement. Fortunately, it was contained in the toilet.

I had to take my sister, Phyllis, to work this morning at 5:30 a.m. I went to the bathroom before I left and I noticed it was sluggish. We've had problems with that toilet for years so I thought I'd come back and plunge it out to clear it. I didn't beat TJ to the bathroom this morning. It was ugly.

After they got the lines cleared, they found that that toilet is not properly vented through the roof. So, they have to fix that.

I also found that Mike's habit of lowering the blade of the mower resulted in his chopping off the cap on the clean-out line in the front yard. My clean out was open, probably resulting in something getting in the line and blocking it.

One more in a long series of disasters. Dear God... will it ever end?

I will deal with the bathroom floor another day. I'm not happy and it is too late to deal with it now. Jerry and I laid the last one. I laid a floor in Phyllis' rental unit. I can lay a floor in my bathroom. It isn't hard to do. It is labor intensive. Thankfully, I know how to run saws and drills. That will be a project for the summer. They will put a floor in the laundry room today or tomorrow, put on the final piece of ridge cap, finish the gable on the north side, and hook up the plumbing. As for the rest of the bathroom, I don't know.

Nano has officially started. I went to the Meet & Greet last night and it was very nice. Nine of us showed up. There were three 14 yr olds, three college students and three of us over 30. So, a good balance. Five of the nine I knew already and two I was familiar with. Altogether, we enjoyed it, I think.

There are scheduled write-ins at the library and I'll try and get to some of them. The daytime hours are out but there are three evening ones. So, I'll try to do those... if this mess is ever straightened out.

I have no idea what to write, if I'll write. The desire just isn't really there. Anyway, I've said I'll try.

All right. I have to dress now. I think I have to go to the supply store . . . again.




Sunday, October 31, 2010

Junkyard

I am considering going back to work tomorrow instead of taking that day off. I took the long week with the plan that I'd be spending it with my family and doing things to get the house back in order. Neither is going to be the case. There is no family and the house won't be orderly for a month at least after this is over. They might be done with most of the outside today but I'm not sure. And there is a lot of little stuff to do out there.

My house is a nightmare that I can hardly deal with anymore. The stress of it is reaching critical proportions and I just need to be out of it. Just since Wednesday it has become even more of a mess. I should have left the laundry room alone but the inspector is coming tomorrow and it isn't good. I wanted to put the floor in there yesterday. I could have had it in. It is a 4x6 room, but they keeps telling me they'd get it. I need to do something constructive instead of watching it fall apart. Now, the washer is outside and I can't wash clothes or put anything that was in there away.

Three of us started cleaning the bath to see where things stood. The tub was covered by grout that was nearly impossible to get out because it had lain for three weeks. The drain was stopped up by grout. They've had to go under the house and take out the drain that Brandon put in and have to redo it. The floor is not good. Tile is not level. Brandon laid the floor. Grout is coming out around the unlevel tiles.Randy said he helped but my sister said she saw Brandon laying the floor.

I should have left the bathroom alone. I just had a hole in the tub that I was dealing with and now, I see other things that will be a bigger problem in the end. Cracks where they shouldn't be cracks, uneven tiles, grout coming out. And the plumbing a mess. And I've not even started to use it. I've had to take the pedestal sink back because it wouldn't work in that box of a bath. I have to find some kind of vanity or something. We should have been able to tell this at the first.

I'm really upset about the floor. I had a good floor in there, it was level because Jerry and I made it level and put vinyl on it. They ripped that up and put concrete backer board on it and the tile isn't level under the toilet area and in front of the sink. I got so upset when I saw it I just fell apart. I've spent a lot of money on this and that bathroom was the primary reason. It isn't right, any of it and I can't afford to do it over. I should have stepped in sooner and gotten rid of him. Randy assigned him jobs and so far what he was supposed to do has not been right.

I'm just so upset by the bathroom problems I can't think. I don't see NaNo happening. It is impossible to work in this mess, to think straight. My study is all over the house more or less in boxes. I am staying in my room as much as possible but even it is crowded and cluttered. To get 5000 words would be a miracle and 50,000 is beyond comprehension.



Saturday, October 30, 2010

Saturday

I'm really frustrated. The house is total chaos and I don't have room to breath. We unloaded the laundry room and so there is even more garbage sitting around. I'm not sure what to do with anything. I can't just leave it all like this. I'm tempted to haul everything to the garage but it is so cold that I'd like to be able to park in the garage at some point after this mess is cleaned up. It is just madness.

So much so that my aunt and uncle are leaving today after lunch. I haven't even gotten to visit. I put 100 miles on my car yesterday just running around and I was so tired last night. They were exhausted, too, I think. I guess I should have canceled the whole thing but it just didn't occur to me.

I want my house cleaned up and I want this mess gone. I'm so tired of it and I still have no shower. That is the most frustrating thing. I don't feel like the bathroom will ever get done.

And now I think I need to get the floor in the laundry room ripped out so it doesn't have to be done later. It is horrible.

They whole place is horrible.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Good Morning Vacation

I am officially off for the next seven days. I'm on my way to pick up GFI plugs and some final things we need before getting started for the day. I hope I can pop back in later.

Did I tell you that I have a new front porch?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My Friday, Wednesday

I am at work...working hard to not think about five o'clock! The day before a break is always the worst. You can't start a big project because by the time you come back you will have forgotten. And small projects are tedious and often lead to huge ones you can't finish. So.

I'm having a rather mild pain day. I'm supposed to get a shot in my hip around noon. I don't know whether I want to or not. It isn't hurting much and so I'm hesitant. The shot hurts. I've taken my doxepin two nights in a row and slept fine. Dry mouth is the only issue I have with it. I keep water by my bed but since I don't wake up it doesn't help much. LOL, at least I'm sleeping. Rather well. If it would make me sleep this good all the time, it would be just fine. The effect seems to lessen over time so I'll have to see. For now, I welcome the sleep.

Everyone says I must do NaNo. I had no idea people could be so pushy! LOL, but I'll start it. I don't know if I'll finish it. If I can keep my head as clear as it is today, I might just pull it off. We'll see.

Oh, I'm so very tired of all the crap everywhere. I can't believe I'm having company this weekend! My poor aunt and uncle will be stunned at how crazy it is. I hope Saturday is a beautiful day because we could all be outside and spend the day together.

I went home at lunch and took Carolyn with me. I had to go see the porch. Oh my! It is going to be beautiful and such a HUGE porch! I can't believe it. My Sarah was there and hugged me and kissed me and showed me her red boots... "wellies" Jilly and Katey would say. They were just so cute and shiny. She will have a blast in them. Phyllis, my sister, bought them for her.

Everyone was on the porch when I got home. They were all so tickled about it. I gave Randy a hug. He grinned that toothless grin and said "You got your porch." He is just the best brother. Carolyn said it was a good decision to put the porch on it. I am amazed at how different my house look. It is amazing. I will get photos either tonight or tomorrow.

I went and got the shot in my hip. Hurt like. . . . well the devil knows. She used numbing medicine in it to keep the pain from the shot to a minimum but it was still horrible. However, it is numb at the moment. She said it might be a few days before the cortisone kicks in and if it doesn't work, we might have to do it again. It seems that sometimes the needle isn't long enough and the medicine doesn't get in the right place. Happened last time too.

Ok, I'm going now. Don't know when I'll be back. I'm taking my Doxepin around 6-7 p.m. so I get plenty of time to sleep it off. I'll be to bed by 9 or 10 at the latest. I can't wait to be able to sit on my porch! I'll bathe in the sink for that!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Tuesday, One to Go

I work one more day this week. I am hoping for a very productive week off. NaNo starts on Monday. I made the mistake of telling Doug I did not know if I was going to do NaNo. I am rather not into it at the moment. I do enjoy it but this construction has just thrown me off track. Anyway, when he found that I was off for the first two days of NaNo he replied, and I quote, "You have the beginning of NANO OFF!?!? HELL YEAH YOUR DOING IT!!!!" Like it or not, I think I'm doing it. Out of spite I threw down the gauntlet and he picked it up.

I hear the bathroom is nearing completion. Two people have called today to say Randy was working on it today. Since it stormed this morning he couldn't work outside so maybe the bathroom will be ready by Saturday? Actually, now I'm more excited about the porch...

I took a doxepin last night. Slept great. O.k. why do I always stop taking it? It does help me sleep well. I don't get any weird side effects except a craving for sweets... which I have generally anyway. I had only a little pain when I woke up. After about a week, the slight tired hangover will dissipate. I can't remember why I didn't take it... oh... I needed the SJW for depression. I don't take enough Doxepin to affect my mood. You can't take two different antidepressants. Still.... we'll see. I'll try and take it for the next three months and see what happens.

Home soon and across town to shower. Maybe I can do the spit bath thing tonight. That's where you bathe in the sink.... ugh. I hate it. I don't see how folks did that all the time way back when! I want a long hot shower or a long hot soak up to my neck!

Nearly time to go home now. I'm going to start getting things sorted and put away. May be back tonight. May not.




Monday, October 25, 2010

It Wouldn't Be Monday, Would It?

I was so sick yesterday. I had to take a Tramadol around 1 p.m. because my hip hurt so bad I couldn't stand it. I got terribly ill. I don't know if that is what made me sick but I thought I was going to throw up. I started sweating and my skin was clammy, I felt like I was going to throw up, and I had the shakes. Sounded like either insulin drop or peak. I felt terrible and around 6 I had Randy take me to the ER... where I waited.

I went in and told the girl I had blood sugar problems and that I might be having a diabetic reaction. She sat me down.. 30 minutes later, they came and got me, stuck my finger. Blood sugar was 97. Within normal limits. I went back and waited another 30 minutes. Then they did a blood draw from my arm. I was sent back for another 30 minutes. During this time the sweating and shaking subsided and the nausea calmed a bit but I still felt horrible. And I was exhausted!

At 8 p.m. they took me back and I sat for another half hour. The doctor came in and talked to me, they ran an EKG to rule out a heart attack, which had not occurred to me but the symptoms are the same. My EKG was just fine. I waited another 30 minutes and he came back. They wanted me to have a shot of phenegren but since the nausea was nearly gone why bother! I was sent home around ten o'clock.

I went home, still sick, and went to bed. I'm so tired today. My stomach is still not happy with anything. I am going to get some more metal to wrap the wood, get a shower at Becca's and then home to bed. I am so happy about my house but I wish I could be off to help more. But OH I wish the bathroom was done. LOL

Friday, October 22, 2010

Job Woes

Several have commented on my note about the coming layoffs at my office. To clarify, we got news yesterday that the boss must find a way to cut our spending immediately. I think he was given an ultimatum. "Cut your staff. NOW." Just a guess.

I've been expecting it for a couple of months now, ever since they began to drop people from the program. Fewer people getting housing assistance means fewer people employed to process it. This is the change they promised. Billions on stupid stuff and in foreign countries while housing for low income people is cut every year for Americans.

Now, with the Executive Director leaving it is not an unusual scenario. She was making way too much money since she's been here. I think they told her they would not continue to pay her =$100,000. She had an apartment she didn't pay for, she has health coverage. Worked an average of 4 days a week, leaving on Fridays to go back to her Illinois home and returning on Mondays. Cushy job that cost the taxpayers a bundle.

They would of course like for us to find other jobs. We were told to prepare our resumes and the boss would be happy to give us recommendations if we "didn't want to wait for the decision". He didn't say it but the truth is that would be easy for them. They wouldn't have to pay unemployment on several people at once. I will stay until they take the key to the back door.

There is no one near retirement. I'm one of the oldest in the department. There are a couple a few years older but most are under 50.

I appreciate any prayers you can garner on my behalf. I am immediately looking for ways to cut my spending until I know what will happen. If they lay me off, I would draw unemployment for a bit and I could substitute teach but there's no money in that at all. And the insurance I have is vital. Never mind that there are virtually NO jobs out there. Now would be a good time for that rich guy to knock on the door and say God sent him. LOL. Ok I have to make jokes here. Seriously, I don't want a rich guy... or any guy for that matter. I'd like Jerry to come home now. It won't happen. . . ever.

I don't find my self in a panic over the concept of no job. I think there have been so many blows in the last two years I just can't think about another one at this point. I sort of expect it, I guess. I'm sitting wondering why it took so long. I've managed to stay afloat because of my job. The thought of no job... it is just one more in a long string of bad things happening. They say when you hit bottom there is only one direction to go. I haven't hit it yet, I guess. I was kind of hoping for a ledge to break my fall.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

More Problems 2

To install a weather head on the roof for the wiring the electrician has to replace my meter, run new wires, and said I can't have water within three feet of the electrical box. Makes sense. However, when I bought the house, the washing machine supply faucets were directly below my breaker box. I didn't put it there. A previous owner installed it before the codes were in effect. Now, I don't know if my water supply for the laundry room is going to be a problem and have to be moved as well.

Mike had a job for two weeks. He only worked twice. They fired him yesterday. He is in a spiral. Downward. I had to leave work and go to my house and make him go home. He was causing problems related to the people I had coming out for the electrical issues. This is the second time this week he's caused problems at the house. I feel bad for him about the job. But it wasn't a surprise to me. He's terribly disappointed and upset. I'm just tired.

I started the new medicine the doctor prescribed for me last week. It is Trazodone, an antidepressant he thinks will help me sleep. It doesn't work as good as my doxepin does. He says it is for the depression and to help me sleep. I may or may not take it. I am not supposed to take my skelaxin with it. I woke up hurting in my neck and shoulders because I didn't take the skelaxin. I don't know why I bother to go to the doctor. It is a waste of time and money.

I looked it up and it is a fairly mild A.D. but I'm not sold on its ability to help me sleep. It made me drowsy but Doxipen literally makes me fall asleep. Eventually, the effect decreases so I will be interested in seeing if this too decreases since it is not nearly as strong an effect as the other medicine. And the combination of Melatonin and Skelaxin makes me more sleepy that this stuff did. I took neither of those last night. I feel it this morning.

They are not going to be able to finish the roof in the back until this weather head is installed. So it will come to a standstill. I am hoping doing this rewiring may actually help with my utilities. If there are wires that are fused on the Vectren side, how do I know how that affects my power consumption? What idiots they are. They came and checked the line and on the places they found a break in the insulation and on the fused wires they simply taped it with electrical tape! I'll have to take photos of that.

O.k. I guess I have to get to work. I have a pain in my neck and sitting here is not helping. I may just go back to my regular medicines. This stupid to do this to myself.




Monday, October 18, 2010

More Problems

Randy just called to tell me that I need to call an electrician and have the wiring looked at where it goes into the house. He feels there is a risk of a fire if it isn't fixed. Apparently there are some melted wires for some reason. I have the power company coming to look at the line going in. The insurance adjuster told me that there was a line up there that the insulation was missing on and needed attention but what Randy found is another problem. Vectren will fix their lines but not mine.

So, another expense but certainly not unimportant. I guess it is better to get it fixed now than run the risk of losing my house. I'll feel safer with all this done. I'm just frustrated by it all. It was really getting bad I guess and we just didn't have any way to fix it. We never would have either.


Saturday, October 16, 2010

On the House Top

Work on the roof began this morning before I got up. Could not find a comfortable position to sleep in and had to go take my sister to work at six. Her car didn't start again. She had it repaired yesterday. I am not sure what she will do. I paid her some money I owed her and that got it repaired but if it cost more I am concerned she can't get it fixed. It is an old car and she can't buy a new one.

After I got up and dressed we went and picked up the lumber necessary to attach the metal sheets to the roof and I just got back with that. It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood, sunshine is really glorious and the fall foliage is probably at its peak. It isn't going to be a long color season I don't think.

Right now it is 67F and perfect for sitting outside. I'm going to get Becca and Sarah in a few minutes. Dave is working out of town today at a concert. He has the part time job with a security company. It isn't enough money to live on but it is something.

Things are moving but still slowly. But then there are only two of them. I am hoping Becca will do some cleaning for me and help me get things a bit more orderly. I'm astounded at how very distressing it is. It is the first time in a long time I've actually felt better at work than home. Crazy.

I am taking photos today as things progress. I hope to have some of the new roof up by dark so you can see it won't look like a barn with this metal roof. For now, I'm going to get some laundry on. I am hoping to go to El Charro for lunch. Depends if I can get over there before three. I'd like to sit down and enjoy some time outside before it gets cold but I don't think I'll get it today. We'll see.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Late Night...Early Morning?

I'm going to bed. It has been a long day. I'm very pleased with the way the front of the house is looking. I can't believe how different it is going to look with the gable.

I must tell you a Sarah story. Her uncle Randy was going to sit down and eat tonight and he told her she could sit in the "princess chair" and eat, too. She patted the chair next to her and said, "And you can sit next to me." We were all amused at Her Royal Highness. No one has to tell this one where the power lies.

Randy got very tickled at her when he picked up a stuffed animal and handed it to her later. She told him she didn't want it because it's mother dressed it funny.

She is going to miss them when they are gone. She loves her uncle Randy and Brandon. If you check out the remodel album you can see she's got them wrapped around her tiny pinky.

Night.

New Photos Added

I added new photos of the work in progress in the remodel album. Here is the link:
Remodel - Thru Sunday 10/15/10

Friday, Too!

Another Friday has arrived. In fact, it is half gone. Here you see me in action. I am not sure how the weekend will play out but I truly need space and relaxation. I suspect I'll get more of what I've had for the last two weeks.

Progress is being made. I will take photos either tonight or tomorrow and post them. Randy planned to go home by Monday but he won't be done by then. Do say a prayer for him because he has had problems with his blood pressure this week and really wasn't able to do much for a couple of days. We were very worried about it. He forgot to bring his meds with him but I believe my sister-in-law mailed them and a few minutes ago he said they had come in the mail. I'm really glad. He is just working so hard and he never complains about anything.

I am going to stop for now. I'll try and get on later. Things have been a bit insane with us running all over to get showers. We still have no bathroom. LOL, but the roof and siding is going up really well. So, I'm fine ... well, I'm o.k.... well, I'm dealing.

Oh, the hip is a bit achy this morning. It was very cool last night and I had to turn on the electric blanket. Thank goodness for that! It helps a lot with achy joints but the hip is a bit rebellious. I'm using that medicine and if I can remember to keep putting it on throughout the day it might be even better.

I'm outta here for now! Look for photos soon!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

On Top of It?

The roofing is to be in today. It rained yesterday. So, I hope that with that done, they can get the roof on and the rest of the siding up. The weather is supposed to cooperate and if the rest of the universe will, we may get this thing finished.

I've been doing the 4x a day thing with the Pennsaid as the doctor instructed. The pain in knees, leg, hip, and neck seem to be a better, particularly the hip. I'm telling you on Saturday I wanted to be put down like an old nag. The weather is damp this morning but I'm not in a tremendous lot of pain.

I have to pick up the new medicine tonight. I may not take it until tomorrow night since I do now know how it will work. I can't afford to miss work because I over slept.

Everything is, of course still a mess but there are areas I've managed to regain some slight order and that has helped me emotionally. I've been surprised with myself about that. I'm worse than even I thought. No wonder David is so OCD! And Mike! Poor Sarah, we see tendencies in her as well but she has two OCD parents so it doesn't bode well for her.

I was going to blog last night and do a video blog but I just didn't feel like doing it. By the time I got home from my shower, I was ready to hit the sack. I'll be getting more photos soon of the progress. I did post a new challenge. For October any Challenges I post will they will tend to be Halloweeny.

I have to go to work now. I am so glad it is Thursday. I am eagerly awaiting Friday. And Saturday will be greeted with great excitement.

As one governor once said, "I will be back."


Wednesday, October 13, 2010

A Dog's Mistake (In Doggrerel Verse) by A. B. Paterson

He had drifted in among us as a straw drifts with the tide,
He was just a wand'ring mongrel from the weary world outside;
He was not aristocratic, being mostly ribs and hair,
With a hint of spaniel parents and a touch of native bear

He was very poor and humble and content with what he got,
So we fed him bones and biscuits, till he heartened up a lot;
Then he growled and grew aggressive, treating orders with disdain,
Till at last he bit the butcher, which would argue want of brain.

Now the butcher, noble fellow, was a sport beyond belief,
And instead of bringing actions he brought half a shin of beef,
Which he handed on to Fido, who received it as a right
And removed it to the garden, where he buried it at night.

'Twas the means of his undoing, for my wife, who'd stood his friend,
To adopt a slang expression, "went in off the deepest end",
For among the pinks and pansies, the gloxinias and the gorse
He had made an excavation like a graveyard for a horse.

Then we held a consultation which decided on his fate:
'Twas in anger more than sorrow that we led him to the gate,
And we handed him the beef-bone as provision for the day,
Then we opened wide the portal and we told him, "On your way."


I like poetry. I was reading it as a child, began writing some by the time I was a teenager, and to this day, I still love reading it. I ran across this poet looking for something else. He writes about Australia. He is probably best known for "The Man from Snowy River" and the Australian anthem "Waltzing Mathilda". Here is a link to a site containing other poems by him.

A. B. "Banjo" Paterson Poetry


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Lunch Break

Just went by the house on my lunch break with my friend, Carolyn. She loves the gable. The siding is looking really good. They took out the front window. If you go to the albums you will see a window on my breezeway on the wall between the garage and door. This window is now gone. I have a new door about to be put in with a window in it, with built in blinds. So, I'll still have a window on the front but more wall space inside.

There is something about a new door on a house that is so exciting. I can't explain it. I like new doors. I loved putting in the door we had on the back of the house. And the new door on the main entrance, which has no lites or windows of any kind. If I ever replace that door, it will be something fancy now that I'll have that nice gabled entry.



The old back door was known as a cross-buck door = window in the top and a cross panel on the bottom. (photo on the left)


The two new doors are the same except no cross buck design, rather a inset panel design that will better match the front door and of course the above mentioned window panes. (photo on the right).

The tile in the bathroom is nearly done. There were a few problems with some of it. I'm not thrilled with the way I had it done but it is what it is. I'm getting a plumber to install a new faucet on my sink. The old one is shot but the new one is exactly like it. If I ever get the kitchen done, that is one thing less that I'll need.

So, that is the the way things stand at the moment. More as the situation develops.


Is it Only Tuesday?

Good grief, what happened to the weekend? O.k. I am a mess. I haven't had enough sleep. This morning I had a doctor's appointment and lab work where, as usual, they had trouble finding a working vein. How is it possible to be walking around with blood flowing and they still have to resort to making a pin cushion of of me to get an ounce of blood?

My doctor is giving me a new medicine to help me sleep. Some kind of mood altering thing. Says I'm depressed and anxious. Give the man a blue ribbon. Sometimes I really don't like my doctor. Probably means he's fairly good at his job.

No, it isn't finished. They have started putting siding up. And the gable is almost done. The roofing is ordered and supposed to be in on Thursday. I have two new doors going in today and two new windows in the den. One window is coming out. Since the door will have a window I won't miss the one we remove. And I'll have another wall to utilize. That room has no unbroken walls so placing furniture is a pain. Now, I'll have one long wall with nothing but a door in it.

I am not feeling good at all. I hate all this running after work. I went home and put away two weeks of laundry. Mopped the floors I could get to because they were a mess and I can't stand it anymore. I'll have to take off to do anything about real cleaning. But, I get my birthday off this year and I am taking the 29th as well. I just asked Marques and he said it was fine. So, with that to look forward to, maybe I can accomplish some things at home.

All right, time to get to the real work. Break is over.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Monday Madness

I came to work exhausted. What a weekend! And the work isn't over.

I think I have to go buy the doors today and windows for the den. They are installing siding today. The gable is finished. They were working on the bathroom, too. I ordered the roofing material and it will be in Thursday. Yes, progress but still my house is a debris field after an atomic blast. I'm hurting all over. I'm not getting enough sleep because I am having to go get a shower somewhere else. It is nearly 10 before I get home after three of us shower.

I still have a headache. I don't know why. Tired, tramadol, stress, nerve pain, muscle pain? Whatever. I'm not going to be fit for NaNo if I don't start getting enough rest. I need a week of nothing.. no worries, no stress, no bother.

I may take another weekend away somewhere.... with a heated indoor pool.


Sunday, October 10, 2010

Word for the Day

Necessitarianism - The theory that every event is determined by causal necessity and that the actions of the human will is not free, but is caused by previous actions and experiences.




It is a word. I read it in my Webster's Dictionary. I assure you it is a very good dictionary. Has everything in it... well up to 1978.
But just look how many words that is...






Friday, October 8, 2010

FRIDAY!

I need a sound bite here. One long howling scream. That might convey my feelings far better than a blog post. I'm really not handling any of this well. See, I can't get away from all the debris and disorder. There is an elephant on my chest and he won't get off.

I tossed and turned last night, rethinking my whole decision to rip out a fairly good bathroom I only needed a tub, really. I am so stressed about everything. I don't know if any of this is a good idea. Everything is upside down. The bathroom seems like a total wreck. Of course it isn't finished but mentally, that isn't registering. Will I really like this change? What if I hate it?

The awning is lying in the front yard. The living room was freaky this morning because it was so light in there! Took me a minute to figure it out. Can't believe how dark it was for so long. I never thought much about it. It just was. With the window opened, the room looks totally different... and junky. I'm going to get new living room furniture as soon as order returns. I'm junking everything, I think. There is too much debris in my life.

I hope at some point this will be funny. I doubt it.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Insanity of It All

There are far too many people around. My house is utter chaos. Everything is crazy, upside down, inside out, topsy turvy. It is so stressful that I almost would rather be at work!

Tile began going up today. It really looks nice. Randy stopped tiling around lunch because he wanted me to decide how high I wanted the decorative band. He also added a touch of his own. Diamond shaped tile above and below the band. I think it will look really pretty. He can cut the large tiles into four squares and turn the squares onto a point and line them up.

Watching all this I realize how very talented he is. There is no waste and he takes great care in his work.

Once the bathroom is done, they can work on the roof and siding and I can clean this mess up inside. I so need to get rid of a ton of junk!

We resolved the cabinet in the bath problem. My floor to ceiling hall cabinet will be modified. The bottom half of the cabinet will be divided and closed off. Half of it will open into the bath for towels and wash cloths and other items. The other half will open into the hallway and continue to be home to my bedding. This is an ideal solution using space that is already used but more efficiently.

I'm getting ready to turn in now. I've had a long day and evening. I will be glad when we can get a bath without having to leave the house.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Second Day of Demolition

I am on my way to bed. I'm exhausted. We had a few snags today. We had to go buy a new window, a sink, and get a different tile. I decided to do a color change. I will still have to buy paint. I bought a new light fixture and still have to buy the exhaust fan.

I also had to get faucets for the tub. The old ones were worn out. I still have a leak in the second toilet. I think the seal is worn out. We'll get a new one tomorrow.

The insurance adjuster came out and looked at the roof. I have enough to pay for the stuff to do the roof. Randy and Brandon will put that on for me. The metal roof is out as no one does the metal sheets for do it yourselfers. But that's ok too.

I'm all "het" up about this disarray. I can't stand the confusion of everything everywhere and dust coating everything. The effort needed to clean it will be herculean!

The green "rock" is up and waiting for the tile to go up. The window and tile will go in tomorrow. I really can't wait to see it.

Getting rid of the debris is a problem. I haven't figured it out yet and must by the time they start on the room.

It is midnight. Morpheus is calling.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Walls Came Tumbling Down

The walls are down. Tomorrow they begin work clearing nails from the studs and working on getting ready to put in the green drywall. This is mold and mildew resistant "rock". The backer board is also. The floor was in better shape than we thought but we found the nest the mice built. And a dead mouse so the poison I put out worked.

I suspect they will get a lot done tomorrow. The claims adjuster will be here tomorrow to look at the roof. Randy will talk with him about the roof.

We are running the tile right to the ceiling. I just want as little maintenance as possible in there and I think that will be the best way to deal with it. The moisture level can get high and the tile will help with that, I think. There is no insulation in the outside wall and he will be putting that in there as well, so the warmth factor should be better.

Dust coats everything, even though I closed the bedroom doors I found dust on the headboard, night stand, and floor. So, it is a safe bet the bed was coated. I will change the sheets tomorrow. Tonight, I'm headed for bed. I wish I could be around to see how it goes but I'll check in at lunch.

We went to Dave and Becca's to shower and visit for a short time. Miss Sarah flirted shamelessly with Brandon, my step nephew. He is such a nice young man. Brandon seems to still be a good boy. I've only seen them maybe three times in the last 15 years and I think the older boy has gone off the rails a bit and so has the younger daughter. I was talking about the backyard camping trip we all had on the Labor Day weekend when Princess Diana died. We were at my mother's, all of us and our children, my aunt and uncle - a passel of about 15 people. We camped in her backyard, cooked out and just had a good time hanging out. The kids all played well together. Brandon, the middle child, was seven at the time and he's 20 now. He told me he remembered it and from the sound of his voice I think it was a good memory. I'm glad. I always loved those children. Those days will never come again so it is nice if he has good memories of it.

Lights out now. I will be posting photos eventually. And more as the project progresses. If things continue to move this fast, it won't take three weeks. Brandon says he can't wait to get on the roof. He likes roofing. I can't wait for the whole thing to be completed. I can't stand the chaos of stuff everywhere! I feel hemmed in by it but there is not alternative.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sunday Passing

I'm tucked up in my bed waiting for my brother to arrive. I expect, barring delays, that he will get in around midnight. That's late for me. I am going to have a rough day of it tomorrow.

I should apologize for the depressing posts I've been putting up. Maybe I should close those off. I don't like them myself. I hate revealing all that at times. But from the beginning of this whole mess I felt it was very important for other people to see the reality of this process. Most of the time, we never get even a glimpse of it. I never had a clue. Now that I do, I can think of so many people I might have dealt with differently had I realized. The woman at work who's husband died a couple of months ago and I have talked quite a lot. One day I told her for months after Jerry died, I would put my face in his clothes hanging in the closet because I could still smell him on them. She started to cry and blurted out, "I did that!" After she regained her composure, I apologized for upsetting her. She said, "No, I thought I was the only one and I thought it was crazy!"

I've decided to take off to go get the tub, tile, and other stuff in the morning. I also have to get the permit based on the cost of materials. I can do that on my own. My brother will have to go with me to get the materials. I picked everything out yesterday.

I can't believe it is happening. I keep expecting to wake up and it all be a nice dream with no substance.

I'm tired and maybe I should try an sleep for a while until they arrive. They will be so tired but tomorrow is only one day. I suspect when they get started, it will be a whirlwind of activity.

I went to church tonight with Mike and Sarah. She is just such a joy. We went to McDonald's after church, of course, and while we waited for Mike to bring our food she smiled at me and said, "You're my best buddy." When I dropped her off at home she called, "Come get me Thursday." LOL, we have no idea why Thursday.

I've got my NaNo account updated and ready to roll. I need to start outlining my idea so I've got something to work with. I suspect I'll have time in the evenings but with two males in the house who knows.

I've never lived with this brother since he was a kid. And that was only briefly when Jerry and I were living with my mother and four of my siblings to help her make ends meet. He was a funny kid but rather quiet as kids go. That or I was just an older married sister too busy to notice him. I hope not.

At any rate, both my sister Phyllis and I are thrilled he is coming. She's going to help me feed them by cooking. Becca said she will come over and cook, too. I know that sounds silly but I don't expect them to eat the way I do. I don't eat at night! They'll be hungry with all this work. And I won't be home all day. So, they'll need someone to help with that.

I think I will call it a night. I'm really tired.



Voluntary Prison

I am home from church and sitting on the sofa in my pj's. It is a of and on sunny day and the temp has risen to 58 degrees. I thought about going to Kohl's and look for a new shirt. I considered putting on street clothes and walking shoes and going to the cemetery and walking. It is a nice cemetery and people often use it to walk. The paths are paved and there is a variety of hills, levels and curves in the narrow roads throughout the grounds. You could easily walk more than two miles. I followed neither urge. My hip has become nearly unbearable when I walk.

On the way home today I had two realizations. One, dreams do not come true. It is a lie... not a myth. A lie. Two, I realized that I really no longer want to leave my house. I do not like getting in the car and leaving the yard. I cry when I leave and cry when I come home. I cry at the thought of going out of the house every morning to my job. I cry when I get up. I cry when I go to bed. I manage to get through my work day without falling apart but I'm so tired when it is over. I just want to go home and not come out again.

I don't like going out and seeing how very empty the rest of the world is and how pointless it is. I didn't like shopping before, now I detest stores. At least, I can sit outside here if the weather is nice but it is too cold for me today and will probably remain so for six months. So I'll stay in my voluntary prison. It will be a fairly nice prison once all the repairs are completed.

I don't think as much when I'm here. I watch a lot of old t.v. shows and lie around. I'm so tired most of the time I can't do much more than that anyway. Half a day of cleaning house and I'm done for on any given day. Right now I feel exhausted and I'm still not done with getting things ready for house guests. I have felt this way for a few days now. But when I go to bed, I don't rest. There is no position in the bed that doesn't hurt and so my sleep is never very good.

I'm tired. I already said that but it is true.


Solitary Sunday

I'm just getting read to go out the door. I can't get anyone on the phone to go to church with me so I will be going alone. I do hate it but I can't do anything about it. Mike probably will sleep all day. Dave and Becca turn their phones off so I can't call and ask them. I did ask him last night if I could take Sarah and he said yes but I didn't believe it when he said it. But I still asked. I tried twice to call both phones. They don't want to hear it and so turning off the phones is a way to avoid the request. I don't get people who don't have the courage just to say no to your face rather than lie to you.

I don't think I slept well. Woke with feet, knees, hands, and neck hurting. It was cold in the house. I don't know what it got down to last night but it is currently 54 at 9 a.m.I guess I'll have to break out the electric blanket so I won't ache so much.

What am I going to do it this gets any worse? There isn't anyone to rely on for anything.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

At the Starting Line

Get ready, WriMos! Thirty day and the fun begins. Yes, folks, 30 days! WriMos everywhere are beginning to sharpen their pencils, create folders on their hard drives, stocking the larder with all manner of cookies, crackers, chocolate, assorted candies, cocoa, and coffee. I still have some of Word's special brew in the pantry waiting for the cold nights of November. The first of November will see a skyrocketing purchase of snack veggies and fruits.

I dropped in this morning and found that the boards have been wiped. The forums are open. Don't forget to go update your profile with your time zone, participant/winner info, and download those lovely badges to show off on your email and websites.

If you have never participated in 30 days of madness, I encourage you to give in and try it. Anyone who loves to write should try NaNo once. You'll be hooked for life and discover a lot about yourself. Of course you'll make lots of friends along the way, too.

So, keep your eyes on this spot. The madness begins November 1st.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Downhill

I'm on the down side if Friday. I'm so glad. I've worked all day in my office moving furniture and cleaning. I'm done with most of the heavy stuff but still have two file cabinets to move and tons of stuff to get rid of.

We do not have maintenance men to do our moving. We have to do it ourselves. This means you have to know how to use a screwdriver and be able to move 100 lbs. I've been on the floor on my back beneath my desk most of the day. First taking it apart. Then, moving it. Then putting it back together. I will get photos for you all next week. I like it this way actually.

I had my desk in front of the window when I first got this office and moved the desk to a corner. It was hard to see the screen and I had to face the window. You can see photos of my office before today's change in layout in the albums. Actually, my keyboard tray won't work in the right place this time either but I'll rig something later for that. The other reason I wanted it moved was I hated my back to the door. My boss never knocks and I'm not allowed to shut my door. So he is eternally coming up behind me. I hate it. Of course he goes through our desks, too. Everyone knows it but there isn't much we can do about it. Not sure what his purpose is.

Anyway, it is almost time to go home and I'm going to finish it up. It was so very dusty and dirty in here. Our vacuum doesn't work well either. The wheel keeps falling off. I could bring mine from home for a day but don't see why I should be responsible for bringing my own equipment to clean their offices.

I'll pop in later. I'm so happy it is Friday! I hope I do not feel all this moving tomorrow!

Friday Has Arrived

I woke at my usual time, 6:30 a.m., to my clocking telling me it was my usual time. I got up, stretched, to the snap, crackle, ouch and mentally sent out scouts to determine where I was on that funny scale of faces they use in the doctor's office. I don't have one here but I think.....I am about ready to head out to work so we will see how the morning goes. I really need to get to bed and rest tonight so I can get up tomorrow and get things in order. I am so excited that my brother is coming up. I so want my house repairs done.

The writer's meeting went well last night but I hate I was so sick. I felt as if I wasn't able to put my best into it. But it was nice to sit and talk to my friends and share some of their excitement.
I hope everyone has a productive Friday. My Brit friends are already well into their Friday and it will be almost Saturday there
by the time I get home. I may pop in later today if I find myself taking a break but. . .