I Write Like. . .

I write like
Kurt Vonnegut

I Write Like by M�moires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Writers Meeting and Other Stuff

I went to the Midwest Writers Meeting last night at Barnes and Noble Bookstore. It is very different from my writing group but this is a formal group of much larger size. They are more involved in the business end but I think there is lots of opportunity here to be involved with serious writers, workshops and conferences. And that appeals to me. So, I'll keeps going for a bit and see what happens. There is a writer's conference for next Sept/Oct and I'd really love to go to that. The meetings will also be on a Tuesday night beginning next month and that means my Wednesday will be freer to either go to the Y or church. If I can just stop being so tired in the evenings that would be nice.

Doug met me at the meeting and afterward we found a table and talked about what we were doing and his writing goals challenge. Doug has invited our group to set up some defined goals and keep tabs on one another and makes us all accountable for meeting the goals. So far. . . only Doug and Cassie and I have responded to his email but I don't think Cassie set any goals. I've set mine so we'll see. I don't know if our group is going to continue but Doug wants to try and salvage it if possible. I'm not so optimistic. At any rate, the buddy system is a good idea and both of us need that kind of pressure to do what we need to do.

My goal? I plan on devoting one hour to writing related work and try to write 300 words a day. It can't be blog writing. It has to be only on the fictional writing. I scheduled a reminder on Google calender and shared it with Doug. If any of the rest of the group wants to participate we can add them to the calendar list. It will send a reminder around 8 pm to ask if we've met the goal for the day. That's a nice touch. I may set the reminder a bit earlier so if anyone has forgotten, it will serve as a reminder and there will still be time to get the goal in.

Have I said I love Google? I love Google and all it's little features.

So, I've started with the St. John's Wort again. I went off for about two months. The last few weeks, with all the pain issues, has sent be back into a slump. I'll see how it goes. Last night was really good for me. I always feel better when I can get with people who share an interest. The writing goes better and ideas come easier.

Must tell you about my shower. LOL. After I came home last night I was in the shower, head lathered and thinking. Remember my challenge about the guy named Striker? Well, I kept thinking that his name was not Striker and that the story was part of something else. Someone suggested he might have a connection to Simon. I didn't think so. I was rinsing my hair when a thought popped into my head. I'm not telling you the whole thing... I'd like to write it. But it was that "Striker is ______" I stopped mid-suds and said, "Oh my God!" I heard it again and said, "Oh my God!" But louder this time. Then I was saying it over and over and running around in the shower (metaphorically speaking) Mentally I wanted to jump out and grab my laptop. LOL, I didn't. But I did hurry and get done and dressed.

So, now I'm wanting to get back into Simon's story. Oh, anyone want a title? "The Dream Stealer" How's that?

In other news, anyone use the program yWriter? I encourage you to check it out if you are a writer. I downloaded it about three years ago but as you all know, things sort of headed south back then and I never really got to do more than give it a cursory look. Played with it a bit and forgot it.

Well, Doug emailed and asked me if I'd heard of it. Told him the above but then decided I should go back and take a closer look. What was wrong with me? This program is what I need to use to structure and organize my writing! There are all kinds of bells and whistles: a synopsis creator that would act as a formal outline, a word counter, a goal timer, and that's just a few of what I've found. It allows you to create chapters and scenes and add characters with bios, descriptions, and photos. You can add locations and items. You have scene descriptions that are used to formulate the synopsis and well, it is really a program designed for writers. . . by a writer. There is a link on Dixie's Writing Challenge Blog but I'll put it in my links as well. And here: yWriter - Free novel writing software

I think that will just about do it for me. It is lunch time and I've been working on this off and on since 8 a.m.!

Oh My Aching. . .

I've had a lousy week so far. I missed church on Sunday because I just felt bad. I stayed inside on sofa until bedtime. I missed work on Monday because I was not feeling well. I stayed on the sofa until bedtime. I had the beginning of a headache but hoped it would go away. I woke up with a terrible headache and I've had it and a pain from my neck down my back along my shoulder blade all day. If I reach or turn certain ways it hurts more. The headache won't quit. I'm in bed now. Don't look for me for a few days if this continues.

Hope to fine a comfortable position in the bed tonight. I think the back and neck pain if from too little good sleep. Very hard to get it lately.

It's Saturday!

I was sitting here looking as Wendy's blog for Friday. It has a quiz on it and one question was "When did you start blogging?" I went to my blogger site since that is the one I started with. I started blogging in November 2005. Amazing! I hadn't a clue back then where it would lead me.

I stayed there a year or so and then started on the now defunct Yahoo 360. There I met several wonderful friends. When that began to fall apart, I followed Jilly to Multiply and some of my friends followed me here. Some of those have fallen away but I made new friends! I'm glad I came.

I started this blog at 9 this morning and had to get off. I spent the morning taking care of Sarah until after lunch. Dave and Becca had something to do and then we had lunch together. I cleaned house while Sarah played this morning. After we had lunch, they hung around until around probably until around two. They decided not to do the zoo today. Too hot and Sarah was tied from being up so long without a nap.

Mike and Rachael are not getting married. At least not for now. They've decided to wait a bit and see if they still want to later. I'm relieved in one way. Both of them have way too much baggage to start with and I was really concerned. They don't know one another well enough to get married.

I did another challenge earlier. Nina tried #1 and her story is good, too. I'm impressed with the way they have worked for everyone. It is encouraging. I'm on to something here. Of course, it always worked for me. Don't think mine was very good but it was late, I was tired, and I wasn't really into it. The second one I did seemed a lot better to me. Don't know if I'll do another soon. I have something I want to try and taking a challenge will distract me.

I hope you have all had a good weekend. I'm going now. It is after 6 and I'd like a hot shower, some comfy clothes and a nice glass of something cold... tea or diet Dr. Pepper would be good.

Friday Afternoon Spiral

You know it is Friday when everything seems to be slipping downhill and you can't seem to plod another step. I have four September files on my desk and I simply can't bring myself to finish them up! Four left for September!

I've emailed the boss and asked if we could shut down at 4:30 but I don't think he'll respond. If he doesn't, I'll make an executive decision. LOL! We will shutdown.

I want to just go home and sit on my couch again. If I'm lucky it would storm, too. I'm so bored I can't even begin to make this interesting. Jilly's repeated invitation has gnawed at me and I wish I could catch a plan in a few weeks and fly away. It chafes that I can't.

Days when there is virtually no pain are a bit frustrating because I want them to last longer and I know they won't so I'm hesitant to start anything long term. Today could be a really good day if I was home. Tomorrow I will be and who knows what it will be like when I wake up. So, I'll sit up tonight a bit longer than usual to squeeze every drop from the day and hope I have a good one tomorrow. I am supposed to keep Sarah for a bit in the morning. That might be fun.

I'm stopping for now. Hope I'll have something later. I'm in super-post mode at the moment. Can't stop posting blogs!

The Storm Before the Calm

I've sat here since I got home and listened to the thunder boom and lightening sizzle and the rain pour in buckets. Well, I did get a bath before I started. But then I sat down to do one of the challenge writings. I always love writing with the rain. It just is so energizing. And I think it went well. I liked what I wrote and may eventually use it somewhere.

The house is quiet and I have candles burning here in the living room where I am sitting on the sofa. Every light is off except for a lamp on the desk in the study. Since I got my laptop I spend less and less time at that desk. It has freed me up considerably and I think that is a good thing. Although the plan was originally so I could take it away from home with me. I haven't done that much since the first month or so. I can't leave it in the car and it is heavy to lug around. Tonight is a good evening. I'd like tomorrow to be a free day but I have to work. I am also "in charge" while the boss is out. Really it means nothing. Well, it means if anything goes wrong I'm responsible for it. But that's all.

I went to the company picnic. Carolyn and I sat and played Uno for over an hour after lunch and then a bunch of the girls joined us and we sat and talked the rest of the time. We left at 3:50 for home. I was ready for it. Boring day other than the cards. I got an hour off. I have four hours of work behind now so it is a poor trade.

I have been posting the challenges to Multiply and Dixiegirl's Writing Challenge on Blogger but I think I may just put them on the blogger blog only. It was what I designed the blog for and I like it that way. My personal blog isn't really a writing blog and non-writers won't be interested in them anyway.The challenges are unique so I want them separated. They will be deleted from Multiply eventually but the link to the blog will be in my links section. Anyone who wants to play them is welcome to do so. They are to intended as exercises, like sit ups, to get ideas flowing. I don't expect the stories to amount to anything but if someone finds themselves with a story, I'd say run with it.

I'm hungry for a real vacation, away from everything and everyone. I'd love to go somewhere and sit by a pool for a week. It would be so nice. Mike will be married soon and she can deal with his problems. Dave and Becca are fine although Becca likes to talk to me every day. . . several times a day. I'd have my phone so she could. LOL.

I think I'll go get me a glass of iced tea now. I'm getting tired and it is nearly nine o'clock. I have to get up tomorrow early. But first, a chat with Kat!

Tuesday Night Crash

I came home from work and showered, had a bowl of Cherrios multi-grain with banana and went straight to bed. I'm sitting here now watching an old Sherlock Holmes show. I will be turning in early, I think. I'm still very tired.

It was a typical "Monday" in that it was the first working day of the week and everyone had to have something, every problem had to arise, and every thing was important. I hate Mondays... even on Tuesday!

So, I'm done for the night. I've still not recovered from the weekend. Hope everyone else is doing all right. Seems the writers are having fun with the challenges. I'm looking forward to reading the stories that come out of them.

Tomorrow is HUMP day! Yay!

Monday, Monday

I got up around 11:30. I am exhausted. Dave woke me at 5:30 to tell me they had to take Sarah to the ER. She woke her mother saying she couldn't breath. Over the phone she was coughing and crying it sounded like a horrible croup.

I got up to go with them and even dressed but I didn't make it past the foot of the bed. I was so tired and so stressed I just dropped to the floor and started to pray. I've never been so tired and so worn out. I couldn't have gone another step if I wanted to.

When I got up a few minutes later I called Dave and told him I just couldn't come. They were in the ER already. He was fine and she she was actually feeling better. He told me she that she had just thrown up a ball of mucus. He said, "Mom, that was the awfullest thing I ever saw. It was the biggest wad of mucus I've ever seen."

On the way to get her medicine, she threw up again and they had to come by and wash her up, change car seats and her clothes. Fortunately she had clothes here since we have been doing laundry for the lice issues. Again, it was a large amount of mucus.She was hoarse but in good spirits. She showed me her dinosaur the x-ray techs gave her and we cuddled a few minutes and I told her a story. She is just such a sweet child.

When they left I passed out. Several calls came in and I was ready to scream but finally people quit calling and I got about three hours of uninterrupted sleep. I'm still tired and I think I will have a nice quite evening with NO company. I love being with my family but I've had enough togetherness for one weekend. Thankfully, this will only be a four day work week. I hope I can manage it.

I appreciate all the feed back on the Writing Challenges. Some have already sent me a copy of their stories and I am so pleased. They are really very good! LOL! Grammy and Nancy were a bit overwhelmed by my putting up four this weekend but I am experimenting with cross posting to the Writing Challenge blog. It hasn't worked right so far and I'm frustrated. It works for my other blog but for some reason it that one. So, you may see others go up.

If you want to participate in the Writing Challenges you don't have to do them all, you don't have to do them in any order, and you don't have to even acknowledge you are doing them. Although, I do like knowing the outcome and if you enjoyed it. And it isn't much of a challenge if no one knows!

I mentioned in the comments somewhere this morning that these are the kind of prompts that get me writing. I don't care for one line prompts much. Maybe I just need more help, lol. My belief is that the forcing myself to follow certain parameters actually gets me to write more "story" in an effort to stay in the guidelines. You can be the judge with your own stories.

I'm not up to par this morning. Thankfully, I am not in terrible pain. LOL. When I finally got up I had some places I was hurting really bad but I think it was position mostly. My back was hurting last night and I couldn't go to sleep until I pulled my legs up, knees sticking up! Released the pressure on my lower back. I also kept checking the bedroom door! I don't know what that is about but I'd doze off and then, wake and look at the door. I don't know. I just know I'm tired.

I may have to move my bed back if that keeps up. But there is no position I can place it where I could actually see to door unobstructed. At the moment it is behind me and at my feet. The only other way would place it at my head to my left. It is a small room. The only other way would be to cover my air vent and I don't think that's a good idea.

Thank you all for being on Multiply with me. It is always good to be able to come here and visit.

No Rest for the Wicked

Or is it weary? I don't know. I went to bed around 5 a.m. and am just now up. Why? Good question. Becca called me around 2 and woke me, horrified. She was helping Arica with her hair after she had washed it (the child has very thick hair.) Ever since we met her Becca said Arica had eczema. She even questioned her mother about it. Becca told her she thought Arica wasn't rinsing her hair thoroughly. Her mother agreed! Last night, Becca decided to try and help her and show her how to properly care for her hair. Since they are all night owls I'm not surprised at the time. BUt I'd been asleep little more than an hour when they woke me.

The child's head is eat up with lice. YES! head lice. Becca called nearly beside herself. Becca has the thickest hair on the planet with a braid thick as my wrist. She caught head lice as a child. Her memories are not good. Her had was shaved.

She gathered up the child and took her to my son's, waking them up. She told her mother about it, asking if she knew when they came last week that the girl had head lice. Arica had told Becca her mother did know because she'd treated her several times in the last several months! The child lives with her father and a girlfriend. Her mother lives with a brother. But honestly, hearing Becca's story of lice falling on to the towel, there is no way this child could have had such an infestation and the mother not know if she was paying any attention to that child.

Dave went to the pharmacy and got kits to treat Becca and I and Sarah. I sent Mike to get two for Arica and Jordan since they found Jordan has them too! I called and they used one treatment for BOTH children after I told him you have to use one for each person. You have to wash the hair and then comb it to get rid of the nits. They sent the kids to bed with the combing gel still in the hair! Idiots! I understand if they didn't know but apparently they aren't losing any sleep over it and I'm guessing that is all the treatment they will get. They can shave the boys heads but Arica has already had her hair chopped off and I'm betting that is why.

We are using the shampoo treatment today. Becca and I are both so terrified. I nor my children have ever had head lice and I wouldn't know it if I saw it. I saw some places on Arica's head but I too thought it was eczema. From the moment Becca found this a week ago she has been worrying and questioning it. David has eczema and she knows what it looks like. It wasn't clicking for her. I told her last night that she must have known without realizing it and it wouldn't leave her alone. Not until she washed Arica's hair and sat down to thoroughly examine it did she find it.

Oh, I'm so furious. Aobut the child and how awful she must feel. We just love her and enjoyed her so much. The little girl cried when Becca had to take her back to her mother. She didn't want to go.I can't have any of them back here until I'm sure they are clear of the head lice.

I was up until 5 a.m. washing the bedding in hot water where she lay on the spare room bed after we got back from the zoo. She was so excited about some books I gave her and lay down to read and went to sleep. I still have stuff to wash. I have a spray for it too. I don't think either Becca, Sarah or I have caught them but we have to treat it just the same. My whole house has to be cleaned top to bottom. I felt so good yesterday and now, I'm exhausted.

I want to wring my son's neck. Mostly, I just feel terrible sending a 10 year old child back to people who won't care if her head is filled with bugs. No one is taking care of this little girl and it turns my stomach. Why God gives children to people like this is beyond me. I see it every stinking day in my job and I am just so tired of it.

If you have a surefire remedy, let me know please. I stayed up and vacuumed the floors, sprayed the spare bed and living room furniture with the pesticide that comes in the kit. I still have to tackle the den where they have been playing for two weeks. I have to mop all the floors and sanitize them.

I have to treat MY bed just in case. She didn't sleep there but she was all over the house. We've accepted her as a member of the family and she is such a sweet child! No trouble at all. Poor Becca has gotten so attached and I thought she would kill someone last night. As I said, her experience was horrible when she was this age. She wanted to wring that woman's neck for Arica.

Ok, I have to go. I'm so tired and you all know what lack of sleep will do to me. Before I dozed off this morning I wondered why it is that one lovely day always cost me everything. I've told Mike he can't come back here until they are all clear and his house is cleared.

What a Day!

Since this morning I've been very busy. I went to the zoo with Dave, Becca, Sarah and Arica. We had a wonderful time checking out all the animals and riding the paddle boats. We have photos and will be getting them up soon. The zoo here in town is a small zoo but lots to see and do. It took about 4 hours to do it.

It is situated on a heavily wooded tract of land with lots of up and down pathways. It wasn't really that hot today but we worked up a sweat walking the miles of path. There were lions and tigers and a tapir. OH MY! Sarah had a wonderful time. Becca had never been to our zoo and had been told it was boring and small. She ended the day happy she went and with a family pass. It is a lovely little zoo. We have lots of photos to put up soon.

We ended up after ice cream, around 4 p.m. at my house. Exhausted. Mike, Rachael, and Rachael's oldest son, Jordan came over. They had fireworks. I bought pizzas and sodas and we sat out back and Mike took care of the entertainment. I wish we'd had cameras at the moment the strange propellered rocket decided to chase him across the yard. Or the moment he thought one rocket was done and it wasn't... just in time. We all laughed uproariously and cautioned him to wait longer. However, we all had a great time and enjoyed the show immensely. Mike remained intact but Jordan and David got burned playing with fireworks. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Actually, Jordan's was a mishap with a match. David had a short fuse.

Every one is gone now and I have to go to bed. It is nearly one a.m. Church is tomorrow. I suspect I'll be up early anyway. But what a very lovely day it was. I had no pain to speak of, except my hip bothered me for a short while during our zoo trip but then, the paths are very steep in some places.

Oh, and thanks to the seeming success of the writing challenge, I've actually started a blogger blog, Dixiegirl's Writing Challenge. I'll still post them here but they will all be in one place on Blogger. Drop by and take a look. I have the first three already up. I don't know how frequently I'll post one but future challenges will go up on Multiply and cross post. I put three up on blogger today only because I wanted to get the blog set up and see how it worked. I've pleased with it. I'll post the other two here soon. Grammy Blicktx and Nancy both did excellent jobs on their stories and have them posted. Can't wait to see who else does one and how it comes out.

Now, bed! What a day!

A Night of Dreams

I had to take a Tramadol early last night AND put a pain patch on my back before Becca left. The came over and she fixed dinner for us. I watched Sarah play. I was hurting all day and it just got worse and worse. The pain became horrendous. I have to tell you, I can't hardly bear this pain in my back. It is the worst I've had and if it is fibro, I'm probably in serious trouble. It is debilitating.

When I went to bed, I slept crazy and not sound. I was in this half waking state for hours. And I dreamed a lot. Yes, I'm exhausted this morning but I have to go to work... very soon! I think this is what tramadol does to me. Seems like last week when I took it I had a heavy dreaming state but not a restful sleep.

I dreamed I was living in this desert. Becca was there for some reason and puttering around the car. At least I think it was her. And Jerry was there. I don't remember what we were doing and I have no idea why we were there. I've never been to such a place. Looked like the Arizona desert, cactus and everything. A HUGE rattlesnake was in the flower bed and he had a head almost like an alligator, shape-wise I mean. I was on the porch and looked down and saw him. Jerry was nearby.

I watched as the snake rose up and began to move toward him. I was trying to tell him to get away and to hurry. But I don't think I got it out because he was just looking at me and then I saw it strike behind him and bite him on his right hand, on one of his fingers. He sort of looked at it and I began to scream instructions. "JERRY! RUN! GET OUT OF THERE! Becca we have to get him to the hospital!" I turned to run inside the house.

Either in my head or out loud I said, "He's been bitten before. We have to hurry." And then, I don't remember anything else. I think, it feels as if I dreamed other things too but that is the only one I remember.

I woke up with relatively little pain but I'm tired.

Dixiegirl's Writing Challenge #1

I present this little challenge to my writing friends here on Multiply. You may infer anything you want from my description but stick to the rules that follow it.

Three men are sitting at a bar in a seedy, rundown room. One is wearing a black trench coat. The second is wearing a pair of overalls. The third is wearing a uniform. You must address these three items: Where are they, what is going on and why they are where they are?

Here are the rules:
1. You must use 1st person point of view.

2. You may use one of the three characters as your POV character but no character already in the room other than the three can be used for POV. Other people can be there and interact but not as the POV Character.

3. You can bring in a fourth character from the outside and use that as your POV if you like but if you do it must be a woman and she must be in need of help in some way, trivial or otherwise.

4. At some point the following phrase must be used: "You want ice for that?"

You need at least 500 hundred words to do this justice. I'm betting you get more.

Some Improvement

Prayer, steroids, whatever. I say that because I have a mixed bag here. I believe in prayer but lately, my faith is pretty thin. You can only live with pain so long before you begin to wonder about the universe in general and God in particular. I understand suicides who were suffering from an illness or injury much better than I once did.

It is not hard to understand at all any more how someone can take their own life. I like to think I am stronger than that but I have to tell you, I'm not sure any of us are when it comes right down to it. I've heard of people who were Christians that committed suicide and wondered what could possibly have been so horrible that they'd do that. These last couple of years, I have an inkling. I don't want a clearer picture than that.

The pain is a bit better right now. I can tell that the stress in my back is building but the morning has been better than anticipated. I'm not standing up and screaming in pain the way I was Saturday night at midnight. I'm doing what I usually do... bearing it like a trooper. But it does hurt still. A very uncomfortable pain is the only way to describe it. As if something jabbed me or slammed across my back at shoulder blade height. My neck has begun to hurt but I think it is secondary to the back pain. I brought hot stuff to work and am going to put more on now. I used it this a.m. and it helped a bit.

I've moved the MRI up to tomorrow. The nurse at my Rheumatologist office called and suggested it because Monday is a holiday and Friday is a long way off. I wouldn't get the reading until Tuesday. I agreed and was fortunate to get it moved so close. I won't get a 4 day weekend but I will get a break in the middle of the work week. I really don't like missing a day at the end of the month but whatever it takes. I am to fast for four hours and the test takes a couple I think. This will not be fun at all! They are doing it first thing so that will be good. But it is very uncomfortable anyway. Be nice if they put me on my face but I suspect they won't. That helped when I had the breast MRI. When I'm done I'll have lunch.

Thank you all for the prayers and notes to let me know you were thinking about me and praying for me. I appreciate you all.

Nighty, Night, Night

I'm headed for bed. I've had less pain today than I had when I got up. They prayed for me at church and it did seem to get better by about 1 p.m. It has not stopped. I'm still wearing a pain patch at tonight. I can only wear them for 12 hours and I put it on at 7 p.m. But my pain for most of the day was about 50%. Last night I thought I was going to have to sleep standing up. It was the most horrible pain. Just a knife in my back and no relief. I finally put a patch on it and went to bed with a heating pad. I'm taking the steroid but so far it hasn't done any good that I can tell.

So, prayers are appreciated. I have pretty much prayed out. It feels as if there is no end to it.

I'm going to bed now and hope tomorrow or rather today is a brighter day. It rained earlier tonight and I hope the humidity is not completely horrible. Probably will be if it is very hot.

Been completely unable to write because I can't stay at the computer long enough. So much for that.

What Happened to 6:00 a.m.?

It came and went and I didn't notice! Amazing. I've been waking up at six every morning for a while now. I woke up at eight this morning.

And you will be glad to know, at least I hope so, that my back was less painful. I still have this terrible pain from one shoulder joint to the other across the top of my back. Hurts to look down but all the back pain is a bit easier. I'm not optimistic because this has happened a few weeks ago. The pain totally left but at least I didn't get up nearly screaming from it. I'm going to try to put this medicine on my back myself. They want it on four times a day but it is an oil based liquid that requires I lie down and have someone do it. Well, I have a few tricks. We'll see.

I seemed to have slept all night too without waking. I guess I was tired. If you haven't seen the album of last night's cook out you won't have seen the new flowers planted at the fountain. Only one of them looks sickly. I nearly lost that one before I got them in the ground. But those moss roses are just endlessly lovely. I wish I'd planted a whole yard of them.

Thank you all for your best wishes for Mike. I have not talked to them about it. He didn't even tell me himself. Had Becca do it. Does that tell you what an ogre I am? I turn purple and grow horns and warts on my head. OH, is is green? Sorry, green. Anyone notice how Shrek's horns are actually horns and not the kind of horn I always thought orger's grew? At any rate, whatever happens, I can no longer try and fix it or make it better. Mike has to do what he has to do. I can't keep cleaning up after him. She does seem very nice and easy going. I just wish they would get to know one another a bit better. And her children are absolutely so well behaved. In my business, that always gets high marks.

On another note. I just listened to Kevin Costner's statement to the congressional committee investigating the spill. If you haven't seen this, here is the link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_ts2851
A fix was available for such disasters and the industry ignores it! The oil is still pouring into the blue waters of the Gulf, turning them from aqua to brown and the beaches from my birthplace have been ruined. I can't get my head around that. Politics and greed.

The Weekend Begins

It appears that it will be a busy one. Mike announced this week he is getting married. Yes. You heard me. Her name is Rachael. She is here this weekend with her daughter, Arica and her son, Doug. I met her last week and the little girl. They all seem very nice and the children are very well behaved. Becca seems to get along with her like a house afire but then, it would be difficult not to get along with Becca I think. She's one of those kind of people. I think Rachael and she will enjoy one another's company. Mike's first wife was immediately jealous of Becca when Becca and David came home to live so it is nice to see that these two seem to genuinely hit it off from the start. They seem very much alike to me but that's just me.

We had a cookout again tonight and the misquotes ran us inside. Sarah thinks she's got a new sister and brother. She likes both the children. Arica has just stepped in and been a mother hen with Sarah and it is a bit of a relief for Becca and I both not to have to constantly play tag. We, of course adore Sarah but you can only play so much tag before you run out of steam... not Sarah, us!

I don't know if it will work out. I only know I'm not inclined to interfere this time. She's very different from the other one. And I hope that she loves him more and sincerely. He deserves something good.

I'm going to get a hot bath after I finish posting photos. Run over and see the albums from Memorial Day weekend. They were taken after my aunt and uncle left. And I have taken tonight at our cookout. In case anyone wondered, we love grilling outside. Dave really loves to cook on the grill and would cook everything in sight if you let him! So, we limit the quantity and let him grill away.

Mid-Week Catch-up

Tomorrow is the middle of the work week. I am supposed to see the rhuematologist.They are going to try and get Lyrica for me but I will have to try the neuroton first. I'll take it on the weekend and see how it does. If I get the least groggy I'm not talking it. I have to be able to work.

My back is terrible. The pain is no better and comes and goes at odd times.Nothing I do seems to help much or for long. Sitting all day is a killer.

I'm on my way to bed but wanted to stop in to see what was going on in the blog lands. Seems most are away doing things or going places. It is so hot I'm staying inside.

I am hoping that in the next week or so I'll be able to get a medicine that works to relieve some of this pain. I think the back pain is worse than any pain I've had so far. I can't get comfortable in any position. I'm not sleeping well at all because there is now no comfortable way to lie down.

Hope you all have a good end to the week.

Neb. City votes to Restrict Illegal Immigration

"Not only do local ordinances such as this violate federal law, they are also completely out of step with American values of fairness and equality," said Laurel Marsh, executive director of ACLU Nebraska.

Link

I'd like to know when the ACLU became the spokesperson for American citizens? I didn't vote for them. I didn't hire them. And frankly, I haven't seen the majority get behind them on any issue. They are a bunch of lawyers who are out to make a buck on anything they can.

Americans, the ones I know, believe our government should enforce the laws. We believe that people who come across the border illegally do not have the same rights as citizens who were born in this country or who came here and worked for legal citizenship.

If you rent your house to a known criminal that police are looking for, you're harboring a fugitive. If you house an illegal immigrant, you're not committing an the same crime? And if you refuse to hire an illegal immigrant you're breaking the law? What a bunch of morons. What garbage! Now who's being discriminated against? Criminals should not be allowed to benefit from their crimes. THAT is what the majority of Americans stand for. Fairness and equality? How is that equal under the law?

Not the Saturday I Envisioned

I got up and went to get lab work done. Two sticks. and she was still not sure she got enough blood.

I came home and paid bills but still don't have the bank statement done. I went to Lowe's and spend a stupid amount of money on flowers to plant. I have no idea what I'm doing so that is why I say it is stupid. But it is something to do.

I then went to the grocery store to buy food. I did. I came home and ate and was about to watch television when Mike stopped by and unloaded the dirt and flowers. I will be planting them a bit later. He brought a girl he's seeing and her daughter. She seems nice but I'm not very social today and I feel I wasn't very "welcoming". Oh, I wasn't rude. I did say hello and nice to meet you.

He left and Dave, Becca, and Sarah came by. Sarah played in the sand box. Dave napped. Becca talked. I listened. Sarah fell out the back door and skinned her knee. It did hurt. That's about a 14 inch fall onto the patio. She just missed the steps altogether. We washed, anointed and bandaged the boo-boo. Tried to get her to sleep but she wouldn't. She'd been to a birthday party earlier and should have been tired.

Mike and his friend came back. The little girl and Sarah are playing in the den with the toys. The little girl is about 10 but she seems to play well and Sarah is just happy to have someone to play with. Actually,sitting here in the living room listening to them chatter away, if I didn't know how old Sarah was I wouldn't know there was a six year gap. The other child doesn't sound as young as Sarah but Sarah sounds a lot older than 4!

Dave and Becca went home and Mike and his friend are on the patio. I think D & B will be back. D is supposed to cook out. The pool has water for the kids and I think Mike's friend may stay for supper. So... a nice evening but not the quiet one I had imagined.

Oh, lifting the dirt at Lowes seems to have loosened my back up some. Major clue there. It's probably fibro in my back muscle. If working the muscle makes it feel better, it isn't a pulled muscle.


I'm going now and be a good hostess.

Firday Windup... Wind-down?

Whatever! It is 2 p.m. and I am on a downhill roll. Work is going smoothly. So much so I've managed to get a lot done. I still have lots more but the box is half empty!

My back is sore. It is like fire across the top of my back and when I reach or turn a certain way it is a stabbing pain. I am going home and get a hot shower and have Becca come put some Bio Freeze on it. That is good stuff. Like Icy Hot and Ben Gay but a gel and it just doesn't irritate the way they can. I can only get it at chiropractic offices and spas. And I'm taking 800 mg of flexiril and 1200 mg of tylenol for muscle cramps.

Thanks to all of you that have stopped and offered encouragement, sympathy, and commiseration. I read all the comments. I don't always see it the way you do but it is nice to know someone thought about my words enough to say something to try and improve my outlook.

I can't say it has improved. I was so upset when that doctor said he couldn't do anything for me! It really distressed me and I thought I was going to cry. I'm good at not crying so I didn't but I wanted to. I can't tell anyone just how bad I feel. You wouldn't believe me! I can walk across a room and no one could tell. Well, they used to couldn't. I think now, maybe it is becoming more apparent to people. It is much harder to mask it but I do try. Still people I know ask, "Are you all right?"

So, anyway, thank you to my friends. Sometimes you are all I have.

No Surprises

Went to the pain management center. There is nothing they can do for me. He gave me samples of Savella. In Europe it is an antidepressant. Here it isn't. Go figure. It is used here to treat fibromyalgia. Side effects... elevated bp... so maybe a stroke since I have high bp already.

I called my insurance company because I'm not buying a medicine with the risk in Savella if they aren't going to pay for it after the samples are gone. My insurance won't cover either Savella or Lyrica until I've exhausted other medications. I can get it IF my RA doctor will diagnose me with fibro... she did that years ago. IF I take neuroten and it doesn't work. I have no idea what it is nor the effect it will have on me but so far what I am hearing is it will make me drunk. So, can't work if I take it.

No surprises here. I'm right were I was when I got up. Still in pain with no options.

Thursday Already

I'm taking a short break and I'll be going to my doctor's appointment in about two hours. I'm skipping lunch so I don't use too many hours. I don't know what they will be doing to me, if anything and so can't be sure I'll be back to work today or tomorrow. I will be glad if they can just give me something to make my back quit hurting. Today there is not a lot of pain overall but my back just isn't right. I still have reach problems, certain motions, and turning my head a certain way all send shock waves across my back and up my neck. Still, I'm not looking forward to the possibility of a shot in my neck or back.

I woke up probably around 4 a.m. but I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't wake again until about 6:30. The writer's meeting went a bit long but we had a great time. I went to bed a bit later than I have been and I took my pills much later. So, I'm more tired this morning than I have been being. I'll nap later I think. I am going to be pretty hungry as well since I'm not going to lunch. I don't know what to do about it. I can wait until I'm finished to eat but may not feel like it by then.



It is really a boring day. The weather is lovely. A nice 79 degrees and partly cloudy. It would be wonderful to sit in a lawn chair on the lawn and watch the clouds go by. I've asked Mike to cut the yard so it will be nice out there and I could actually sit outside if I feel ok. That is in the event they stick me.



I have got in this mindset that writing is a waste of time for me. I don't know. In the last month I've just kind of stopped and asked myself what I'm accomplishing and what earthly use my writing could possible be. My response was a resounding silence. I find myself so tired that the effort to put one foot in front of the other most days leaves me with nothing. I'm sapped by Five o'clock. It is distressing to think about but practically speaking, I should find another hobby that is more beneficial to me and the rest of the world.  Doug and I discussed this last night at the meeting. We both feel our jobs wring every creative thought right out of us.



I mean, take my blogs, for instance. They've become mediocre, if they were ever more than that. Who wants to read about my misfortunes and opinions and the craziness of my life? I don't even want to live it! Why would anyone take five minutes to read it. I can almost hear the snores. I don't know why I bother at all. I keep saying I am a writer. I tell myself that the writing is good, the story is good, there is something worthwhile in the whole process. I lie like a cheap rug. None of that is true at all. <sigh> In the end, I'm pretty much left talking to myself about it and talking myself out of writing.

When he left the meeting last night Doug called over his shoulder. "These meetings always energize me. Now, if I can keep the energy up until the weekend I might be able to do some writing."

I didn't last a day.

Cassie's Writing Challenge

The writer's meeting went well tonight even though there were only three of us. Doug, Cassie, and I had a really good time discussing writing.

Cassie and I remembered discussing a statement I had run across in "The Marshall Plan Workbook" at the last meeting. Cassie and I had this ah ha moment where something clicked and we shared it with Doug tonight while we were discussing his writing woes. "Before you can devise a crisis that will set your story in motion, you must define your lead. Why? Because whether or not an event is a crisis depends largely on who is experiencing it." I realized the problem I was having with Simon was solely because of this premise.

As the evening was winding down, Cassie issued a writing challenge. We got very excited about this. It is the first one and I told Cassie that it might become a fixture. "Cassie's Writing Challenge". She had no sooner gotten this one out than she announced her idea for a second one. However, I am sharing the first one here for anyone who wants to participate.

Deadline: June 30

What: Make use of the following sentence: I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Topic: Any topic but you must reference the quote in the story. You don't have to use the direct quote.

How long: 1000 words

We will be bringing our efforts to the next meeting to see how we fared. The next challenge . . . she is suggesting 6000 words by July 30! No topic has been picked and no other criteria discussed. I'll post it when she gets it worked out.

I'm headed for bed now. Pain in my back has been continuous and in my knees but most of the rest of it is much better. I'm just tired now.

Some Days are Like That

I woke up this morning with pain in my back. But not much pain anywhere else, thank goodness. I believe I've been in a flare. When I looked in the mirror I saw my skin is clearing up, too. I suspected some time ago that a terrible itchy rash on my back and what looks like rosacea on my face is somehow related to the fibromyalgia. They come and go with varying severity. I've had this darn rash for years and I hate it. I have tiny scars where I have scratched so much. My research found reference to both but I couldn't seem to see any link. Both seem to clear for no reason I could find. This week I saw both come up and then, begin to disappear with the pain escalation and subsidence.


It has been a killer flare. I go to the pain management doctor tomorrow and I'm nervous because if they give me a shot, I could go into a flare again. I don't know if I can handle it. I almost couldn't handle this one. Yes, they can give me narcotics to manage it but I'll sleep for three days and go back to work. I'm not wanting that either. I don't like losing days of my life anymore. Never liked it much anyways but now.... it is worse. They seem to be more limited now.


I have to go to work. I slept a half hour longer this morning and had the weirdest dream. Have no idea what brought it on and I can't tell it because all the people involved in my dream I know! They all go to my church! LOL. Nothing ugly just so crazy I wouldn't tell it, to anyone.


Writer's meeting tonight. I've asked that we start half an hour earlier but no word as yet if that is ok.

There is No Title

I doubt there is an adequate description to allow a title. The pain is terrible. I'm getting very little relief from anything. I have an appointment at the pain management clinic on Thursday afternoon. If I can make it to 2 pm that day I might get some help. It is my last resort. I've taken all I can take and prayed ever prayer I can pray. The pills don't work and God's busy elsewhere.


You can only deal with so much before it breaks you to pieces. To not be able to move without hurting, not be able to think, or sleep, or take care of your basic needs without pain only escalates the pain levels. I'm exhausted when I get up because I did not rest. When I get up I can't move without stabbing pain everywhere I touch. I can't sit, stand or lie down without pain. Not one second of relief. At this point, I begin to understand why some people pray for death.


This is not living. This is hell.

Hot, Hot, Hot

I came back from church and went out to check on the plants. It is over 91 but they say the humidity is so high it feels like 101! I can believe it.


I had to clean out the fountain. It had turned green! I suppose algae maybe.. not sure. I haven't had it on in days because the weather was so hot and I have felt so bad most of the week. I'll have to start emptying it after I come in. I tuned the fountain on after I cleaned it and have let it run. But I came in.


I took another muscle relaxant because my back it still just messed up. I don't know what to do. I can't stand it for long. Sitting and carrying things is bad. I don't have a solution. I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of waking up and nearly screaming when I roll over or try to get up. It is worse than it has ever been and I just want it to stop. The hot shower this morning didn't really help much. I took the Imitrex and I think it made me break out in a sweat. That's not a good sign if it was the pill. I was so hot and couldn't get cool and was sweating. This is a vaso-dilator and it can be dangerous. But at this point, I'm not sure if I care.

The Agony of Everything

I hurt all over, I mean everywhere.Feet, legs, back, arms shoulders, everything hurts. I woke at 5 a.m. with it and refused to get up. I dozed back off. Now, I"m up and I'm going to get a very hot shower and see if I can boil some of it away. This is has to be a "flare". I was really feeling better early last week but every move this morning sets off stabs of pain. Even yesterday I felt much better than this.

I am going to church. I am going to church. I asked everyone to go with me last night but got no responses from anyone but Sarah. She said she would go. Of course, she requires assistance so I'll figure it won't happen. Maybe for once I'll be surprised.

I'm seldom wrong about much. If I tell you the moon is made of green cheese you can bet I've checked. It isn't. It isn't arrogance, it's just experience.

Anyway, not sure if I'll make it back today. When I come home, if I'm not better, I'll go to bed. Sleep is the only thing that seems to work. I may take an Imitrex to see if it affects it. I'm getting curious about this migraine effect I have sometimes. If they'd give me the Lyrica I might be able to deal with this. Everyone who takes it tells me it works wonders. God forbid you take a medicine that actually works when you can take ten that don't!

Saturday in the Fish Bowl

I will not be sitting on the patio today. It is 92 and feels as if I need gills. The humidity is unbearable. It stormed Thursday afternoon and night. We're paying the price today. I took photos because Sarah got in the rain. She loves rain. So do I. I was tempted to get in it with her.

Dave, Becca and Sarah went to the zoo in Cincinnati today. They are having a really good time. I've talked to them several times. They took my car because their car has no air conditioning and it rather old. I felt better loaning him mine. They couldn't have stood the trip in this heat, particularly with Sarah. He just called and said they were headed home because it was really just too hot. Sarah has misbehaved all day. LOL, what can a highly intelligent 3 1/2 year old get into?

Last night I met with Snowgoon and we talked about Hidden in the Mist. Basically, I told him the whole story, reading parts because that was the easiest way to get the feel of the story out. The guy is a veritable font of Machiavellian ideas. He can see the sinister in everything. I suppose I should be nervous but he's really quite normal otherwise. I now have three different scenarios to work with that he simply plucked from what I had already written! And I can remember when I originally started it that I was actually thinking along those lines!

Today my back is much better. I came home early for two days this week because my back was hurting so badly. When I came in yesterday, I took a muscle relaxant and an imitrex for my headache. I felt the pain was giving me a headache. I lay down for about three hours. I felt better for the rest of the evening. Today, I've cleaned the living room, dusted, done laundry, vacuumed the floors and dusted under the beds. Put drain cleaner in the sinks and washed the tub mat and shower curtain. The pain is so much better! And the house smells a bit better. I'm considering taking another muscle relaxant just to give me a bit more relief.

I think I slept better too. I didn't go to bed until after 1 a.m.! My mind was running over from my talk. But I always take a muscle relaxant at night . I've just never taken one in the afternoon because they make me sleepy. Although I didn't sleep yesterday after taking it, I just relaxed for a couple of hours. So, I'm going to take one now and see if it will help me again. I'd love to wake up with no pain tomorrow... every tomorrow.

I'm going now. I want to finish some other things while I seem to have the energy. I am not going out at all. I don't have the proper equipment. Maybe it will cool off by dark but I doubt it.

A Giant Crane Is In the Way

When I walked in this morning, before even the boss was here, I was met at the door by another employee. "The computers aren't working."

After unlocking my door and putting my bag on the desk, I went in search of the tech guy's phone number. Jay is a nice guy who works with the company we've contracted for technical support. We have lots of issues and it seems Jay is always on the job.

"Jay, we're having problems over here. System is down. Is it the same problem as yesterday or is something else going on?"

"It's the same thing. There is a giant crane in our way."

Ah.

"We're coming over today and move the tower to the corner of the building to see if we can work around it. Either Friday or Monday we're getting an emergency server at your place and that should fix it."

They are building an arena downtown. There are lots of steel beams and a giant crane smack in the center of town and smack in the center of our wireless towers. My building is seven floors and on the roof is our tower. Corporate placed the other tower on the roof of another building next to their office, a two story building. The arena, I suspect, is going to be as high as my building. The crane certainly is higher. So, we can't connect with corporate via the internet. We can't process any paperwork. We can't pull reports. There is a giant crane in the way.

We had lots of problems with the wireless when we first got it about nine years ago. They had to move those towers all over before they found a clear line of sight. I asked them, "What if someone builds something between them?"

They felt there was little chance of that. Well, there WAS a building already in the spot where the arena is now being constructed. But buildings fall to progress with amazing frequency. People's minds do not move that fast or often. So, now there is a giant crane standing between us. It isn't going anywhere.

There is always a giant crane somewhere, blocking communications, interfering with daily life, wreaking havoc for someone. People have to move things to get around them, reposition themselves to find the spot where the crane loses its ability to cut one off. The giant crane can't move because the work it must do can only be done from that location. It sinks its giant legs into the ground and begins its work of erecting towers that block the light and cast shadows across one's path. It isn't going anywhere.

I suppose giant cranes serve a purpose. They help some to reach high places and erect great monuments. They aide in lifting heavy burdens that would otherwise be impossible to lift. But when they block your path, they tend to be a nuisance. Things that need to be done, don't get done. Progress is stopped. Disappointments and frustrations pile up. The only solution is to change either your position or location. You have to find a path around the giant crane that will allow everything to flow uninterrupted. It's a giant crane. It isn't going anywhere. You have to be the one to move.

Monday Thoughts

How shall we do this? Do I number them? Probably isn't enough to bother. Do I alphabetize them? Again, not enough.

I think I should have stayed in bed. My back is still hurting. I still can't move in certain directions or ways.

I think if I could get 10 hours sleep and wake up feeling human, life might be nice.

I think I do not like being alone. I've never been alone in my whole life. I used to think I'd like being alone sometimes. I was wrong. Or maybe I was mistaken.

I think I'll get some more flowers and plant them. I've got nothing else to do and there will be less grass to mow.

I think I'll get more bird feeders and another bird bath. Birds are our friends.

I think I need to find a contractor to fix the house. I just don't want to bother with it.

I think I need more money. It isn't good for much but it is nice to have on a rainy day in the Bahamas. Or England..... or to pay a contractor.

I think I'd like to retire... now. But I haven't won the lottery yet.... I haven't even bought a ticket.

I think I should buy a ticket.

I think I am probably slightly depressed but honestly, it doesn't hurt unless I think about it.

I think when 5:00 p.m. rolls around I will breath a sigh of relief.

I think this is one of the most boring blogs I've ever posted.

I think I'll stop now. I'm really reaching.

Where I Am....

So many places. I'm under that red umbrella for starters. It is 78 degrees out here and there is a breeze. I stayed in all day in a chair and my back is not much better. I finally decided to come out and walk around. I watered the plants and cleaned out the fountain. The birds love it and the feeders. I've watched dozens have lunch.

I watered flowers planted over the Memorial Day weekend. I took water out of Sarah's pool with a watering can and found that my upper back, around the shoulder blade is still in bad shape. I feel it in my neck and across my back. I can't do anything about it so chose to ignore it long enough to water the plants. There is a lot more water in the pool! I could probably water for days and probably will. No more emptying the pool and wasting all that water.

I'm watching the fountain as it sings in my backyard. When I sit here like this I never want to go anywhere else. Is that wrong? Just to sit here and not worry about anything or think about anything.

I'm re-reading my story, Hidden in the Mist. I started about five chapters from the end and am reading forward to give me an idea of what was happening when I stopped in 2008 for Nano and never went back to it because life. . . and death diverted me along a different path. It will need a new title eventually I suspect. However, I can't figure out why this thing is any good. . . but I have to say that a lot of it is pretty good. I refuse to fix a single thing until I'm done with it. So, I'm going to do that. I'm tempted to give myself a deadline. They work pretty good for me but I don't know how to monitor it.

The wind is blowing and the sky is blue and I sit here wondering what you are supposed to do when your whole life has been centered around the people you love and you wake up one day and they are all gone and you are still here? Remember the lyrics "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"? The song is Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson. I always liked it and have it playing on Project Playlist. The one phrase is truer than even I ever knew. Yet, life always finds something else to take from you. You really don't want to be that free.

I'm in a strange place, on the edge of something that I can't see. I try not to see beyond now, not to think about tomorrow until I get up in the morning. In fact, I try not to think about much of anything. It works better that way.

Sunday Pressures

I feel like I just went on a cross country hike carrying a 20 lb pack! I woke to creaking joints. Everything is stiff! Last night I had to get up and put the Valtoren gel on my lower back and at the spine around my neck. I think I'll have to do it this morning too, and take a hot shower! My shoulders are stiff, too.

I'm supposed to take Sarah and Mike to Sunday School this morning but I don't know if I'm going to get loosened up enough to do that. Mike can drive but I'll have to wrestle with Sarah. And much as I love her, when I'm like this, I just can't lift her around. Dave and Becca say they have to do laundry so they can't go with me.

I get so tired of being tired and stiff, of having a nice day and then several bad ones. It seems if I do anything on Saturdays I pay on Sundays! I don't know what I can do about it. That's the way the weekend falls. If I don't work around the house and yard, or I don't play with Sarah, and I don't go shopping. And if I sit too much, I have the same problem....

I'm going now to see if I can get sorted out.

Short Week

I am working today and then I am off until Monday. This two day work week is really nice! I've had a sort of mini vacation for the last two weeks. I'm going to have to plan next year, if the Lord is willing, around the May and June holidays. Had I been able to take my vacation the last week of May I'd have had fewer days counted on my vacation time! But I didn't plan for that vacation and it cost me very little so I'm grateful for it. I needed to get away.

I'm out of St. John's Wort for the last three days. I'll get to the store soon but I think I'm going to try and cut back to one a day. I've been taking two a day for a year now and at some point I have to start reducing it. I'm not going to live my life being controlled by this. I've done it before and I can do it again. Just don't know how hard it will be this time. I can't shut off my mind.

I was reminded yesterday morning of a place in the Bible where it calls satan an accuser of the brethen. I always have difficult time early in the mornings and in the evenings, when I am home. I am waking up at 6 every morning and since I apparently can't change it, I have been reading my Bible a bit, reading Streams in the Desert - a devotional I have, and praying. You must understand that praying is very very hard, almost impossible. Not that I don't believe in prayer, but because the overwhelming state of my mind can't go beyond a certain point before I just lose sight of everything but a prayer for help through this mess.

Anyway while sitting on the sofa saying a prayer, I had this . . . vision. . . . or if you prefer, impression of someone sitting across from me smiling and pointing out all these things to me, things I already know and struggle with. No, I am not crazy. I am not seeing "things". Not actually seeing them, just in my imagination. I don't need a shrink. And yes, I do know how to handle those things. My grandmother taught me that a long time ago. I did what she taught me to do, what I've always done. I prayed against it. I prayed over my house and property. And yes, "it" left. The accusations stopped in moments. You call it what you will. Power of positive thinking, positive affirmation, self-hypnosis, all that bunk. I don't care what other people call it. I know what I call it. And I had a respite from it all. My house was clear and while I'm still in this horrible fog that won't let me think, at least I was able to not think about things that were painful.

There was a writer's meeting of sort last night. Three of us, Sarah, Cassie, and me. Katie and Kathy had prior commitments but we don't know where Doug is. We have not heard in over a week from him. His job is so hectic and he works long hours so it isn't unusual for him to be invisible for a long time but we missed him at the meeting. He usually lets us know he's out there. Have to email him today just to check on him.

I'm going to work. Only 8 hours and I am off for the weekend. That will be so nice if I can get some things accomplished. I've really had this cloudy thinking for two weeks now, worse than usual, and I'm not getting anywhere. Last night I started working on Mist again. I think I'll go back to it and leave Simon alone for now. I want to finish Mist. Maybe finishing one story will be a positive influence. And Mist is nearly finished. I'm on the last leg of the first draft. I don't know where Alice had gotten to but I'm sending her an email.

Most of you may have seen my sister's blog this morning. They are having a difficult time right now. If you pray please keep them in your prayers. It is the only way I know of to help.

The End of the Holiday

Today was a day of endings. My holiday has ended. Everyone has gone home. My aunt and Uncle left after the Memorial Day ceremony at the cemetery. I was very sad to see them go. It is so hard now to see family leave. Dave, Becca and Sarah stayed and David grilled out for us. They just left with Mike a few minutes ago.

Becca brought her mom over and she ate with us and Mike came over. It was a nice, although hot afternoon. We moved my small patio table from the front patio under the tulip tree way in the back yard. You have all seen photos of that tree. David cooked under it. The breeze was wonderful and we were quite comfortable beneath the shade. I'm definitely going to put a small patio under that tree. It is a perfect place to relax and have a cookout.

While we were eating my sister came over. We invited her to come eat but she didn't even come out to say hello. She got on the computer and stayed inside and then she left.

Now, all the mess is cleaned up and everyone is gone. I'm alone. I suppose that is ultimately where we all end up, isn't it. I'm going to get a hot shower. My back, around my shoulder blade, feels as if a knife is stabbing me. And I have a sore neck, as usual. A hot shower, my medicine and a nice book or maybe writing something if I can summon the muse to write sounds good. I might be able to sleep in a little while. I'm thankful that I took tomorrow off and only have two days to work this week!

The Longer the Day

..... grows the more painful I get. Everything hurts and I have a migraine. I've been having a cramp in my foot, pain in my neck and shoulders, pain in my lower back, and arms. My hands feel as if they were crushed and reassembled. I do not think a flower or two is worth all that.

Yes, a parking lot sounds just fine.

I have to go get ready for church. Tomorrow we are going to the Veterans Memorial service at the cemetery. We did this last year and it was rainy so they had to do it in the mausoleum. It is supposed to rain tomorrow too. I was so hoping it would be outside in the Veterans section. They have a beautiful plaza there for it.

I'm not feeling well at all so I'm going to stop now. I hope everyone has had a nice weekend. And if you are a US citizen, please, leave flowers on a veterans grave somewhere, even if you do not know them. Find one that has no flowers tomorrow and honor a forgotten hero.

Cleaning House

Just cleaned out about half dozen contact from Multiply. All were people I've not heard from or seen in over six months. Some I know just have disappeared because of things going on but there is no sense in having this inflated list of people I never hear from for whatever reason.

I'm going to be doing the same on Face Book. Someone told me that in a job interview recently they were asked if they had anything embarrassing on Face Book. So, guess what? My Face Book may be going bye-bye. And all my blogs may be going to just contacts only. I've discovered that I can actually select individuals I want to see the blogs and those I don't on both sites. So, since I'd just as soon not have some of the junk that is appearing on my wall there, I'm either going dark or limiting access to select individuals.

Was anyone aware that your employer would want to look you up? I sort of knew but didn't really think about it until now. So, I'm reviewing what's on the my wall and the drama is going. Don't need it.

On a Sunday

I'm about to head out to church. I'm a bit sore this morning in my hands from using the lawn mower. It has a self-propelled handle that had to be held down and it always caused extreme pain in my hand when I use it and for days afterward. Mike did do most of the work there. In fact, he helped me all afternoon. We have four or five bags of grass and he said the lawn looked nice.

The fountain is lovely. I have to find a spot for it now. I had originally intended to put a bird bath where the old one was and could put this there but it is wayyyyyy on in the middle of the yard and would require running an electrical cord across the yard. So, the idea is to make a small area nearer the house, lay some paving stones, sit the fountain on those. I could plant some things around it then. I almost bought a yellow hibiscus yesterday to put out where the old birdbath sat but didn't. I may go back and get it this afternoon. I know absolutely nothing about plants.

Mike is ready to go so I need to head out. Once again I was told Dave, Becca and Sarah would be going to church. I didn't believe it but I keep hoping. They aren't answering the phone. I knew last night they wouldn't do it. They were already planning on what they had to do when they got home and it was midnight when they left. I do not know anymore what to do but obviously it won't matter. Sadly, it is Sarah who will pay the price in this. She is being taught faithfulness and obedience is unimportant. That one can follow one's own philosophy and everything is fine.

See, I believe this thing I practice. I believe it and have seen the blessings of faithfulness and obedience over and over and over. I've seen the destitution of faithlessness and disobedience as well. Whether life is fair or not doesn't matter. I believe in God's Word and the instructions I've been given in that. When we put ourselves first over faithfulness, when obedience becomes "if I feel like it", we lose far more than we can imagine. And our children are the ones who suffer the greatest loss.

The Bible tells about the generation after children of Israel who came out of Egypt. They all became rather wicked and left the ways they had been taught to live. They were not faithful to God. The Bible says the reason this happened is the parents stopped teaching them and stopped following the teachings themselves. It says the children "forgot" the things their parents knew and experienced. How does one forget a cloud by day and pillar of fire by night? How does one forget the opening of a sea with dry land on the bottom?

At two years old, I watched Michael stand in the middle of a room at a church banquet of about 250 people and "preach" for 15 minutes about baptism. He knew the scripture by heart at two and could barely quote it. When we went to church, he always worshiped. And for years I had ministers at fellowships who had visited our church approach me and say they remembered seeing him do this. There are still people in that remember that banquet and talk about it. Mike is one of the most faithful people I know. He doesn't always do the right thing, but he tries and is more faithful at times than I.

Paul I believe said that the greatest comfort was to know his children walked in truth. He was talking about God's truth, not their own.

It's Only Money

I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on a fountain for my back yard. It is a two tier cast iron fountain. I have no idea how I'll put it up yet or exactly where. But I'm really quite pleased with it. Here is the photo of it from the garden center's website. I'm quite pleased with it. It stands taller than Sarah and can't wait to see it going when she is here.

I was going to get a bird bath but when I saw all the fountains going at Lowe's I couldn't help it. I wanted one. They had one I could have bathed in and if I ever have the money I'll be buying it! It was huge and since I have this huge back yard I could have a large one but it means doing some serious landscaping and I'm not up for that yet.

I've decided to try and get all the non-essential debt paid by the fall and take out a loan to get the siding on the house replaced and repaired and gutters up. I don't know what that will cost but I it is doable I believe. I'd like to do the yard up nice next.

I'm waiting for the sun to go over just a but before cutting the yard. The plan was for the kids to all come over and we'd cook out and get the yard done and just have a nice day together. It is gone 1 p.m. and no one showed up. So, I went to Sam's Club and bought rotisserie chicken. I'm making a sweet pea salad too. When that is done, I'm going to get my book and sit on the patio and eat alone. Then, by around 3 I can cut the yard. I can do it without help.

For those of you who've never heard of sweet pea salad you don't know what you're missing.

1 can of sweet peas (those little round green peas - may be called something else in other locals. LeSuer, Delmonte, just about everyone carries them.
1 or two boiled eggs - chopped up finely (I do one egg for each can of peas)
1-2 tablespoons sweet relish per can depending on how much you like the tartness.
2-3 tablespoons of Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip -again depending on how much of the dressing you want. Don't put too much!

Mix it all up in a bowl and eat freshly made or chill it. Great either way in the summer time. We eat it all year long. My family devours this stuff. It was my grandmother's recipe. I've never seen anyone turn their nose up at it.

I've started or rather picked back up a puzzle I stared last year after I finished the train puzzle. It will be another glow in the dark of a lovely village street with a street car and people and gaslights. I'll be posting photos again I think. I put it aside last year when I moved furniture but last night I brought it to the den and put it out on my table. I sat here with my wireless connection playing television shows and putting the puzzle together. I believe it was the most relaxing evening I've spent in a long time.

I took flowers to the cemetery today. I really have a very hard time going there. And the grave looks so bad. Grass is still not growing well. I notice that several are like this. And the clover is everywhere. I suspect as a city cemetery it isn't landscaped very well. But it would be nice to think that the veterans cemetery was given more care. I'm thinking of buying a bag of grass seeds and strewing them. I suppose they'd probably not grow that way but maybe some would. I may wait until the next rain and do it while it is raining. They'd get a good soaking and the ground would be soft. Right now it is very hard. Still, it is a lovely cemetery and I am glad he's there.

I'm going out now. I've fixed and finished my lunch. I don't know for sure if they kids are coming over. I remember the times in the last months his life when Jerry begged them to bring Sarah over and they didn't. Will I ever get images out of my mind? I don't think so. I should haves never end.

Work on Wednesday

I'm on my way to work and the day is as gray as it gets. It is 56 degrees out and I want to know who stole the spring?

I have accomplished so much at work this week that I am astounded but I've gone in and closed out every thought and just processed like a machine. Maybe that is why I've been exhausted every night. This morning, I'm so tired and just want to lie down and sleep some more. I woke up again in the middle of the night. I don't know why I'm doing that and it is disconcerting. I keep feeling like someone is watching me when I wake up. Don't like it at all. I usually have to will myself to turn over and go back to sleep and I do fall asleep. Just would rather NOT be woken up. And I've been waking up an hour earlier - 6 a.m.!

Tonight is writer's meeting and I'm so looking forward to it. I haven't seen the group in over a month and need a bit of insanity to put me on track I think.

I hate I'm not writing. It is as if everything dried up and I have no idea why. I've done a little but precious little. Maybe it is time to go back to an old work and get it going again to get me in a mental place to actually write.

I've stopped getting breakfast on the way to work and eating it at work. I will save a few dollars and am not having to rush so much. Although, I'm waking up an hour earlier too on top of not sleeping well and so it makes sense to just fix breakfast. I'm not a big breakfast eater but since I'm skipping a formal supper at night I figure I have to eat something. You'd think I'd lose pounds the way meals are not but I'm not.

Ok, time to dash out the door. I had more to say but I want to beat the rush hour and have time to get into work mode.

I only need four million dollars to retire.

Mid-Day Update

I've been at workthree hours and I've actually got a lot accomplished. I think I have just reached a place I have to keep moving so I don't lie down and die. That's the way it feels. I want to lie down. The day itself is heavily overcast. It hasn't rained but it is just a cotton batting day. That doesn't help my mood at all.

I was thinking on the way to work I need to clean out cabinets and get rid of a lot of stuff. I have tons of dishes that I no longer need. No  big family to feed. No tons of friends. No house filled at the holidays. Just me. I don't need it and I think it is time to go. I also am going to get rid of a lot of furniture. It is just in the way and I have to clean it. Maybe it is crazy but I have this real need to throw everything out. Bit crazy I suppose.

I'm getting rid of the china cabinet and two book shelves. I still have two more book shelves so it isn't a big issues... except the books are a problem. I was thinking of getting rid of all the books in my book shelves and Becca said she would like to have the shelves. I told her she could. One of them is a really nice bookcase with sliding glass doors. The back leg was broken off when I got it used. But it is Ethan Allen and really nice. I have a block I put under it and it has worked fine. No one can see it anyway. Since they will be moving in a couple of months, she can get them then.

Lots of dishes, enough for a family of four. I never cook and so I have some old pots and pans to get rid of as well. I don't know when was the last time I went into the pantry for a pan. I use what is on top of the stove if I need a pot. I'm going to clean out closets and toss a lot of clothes I don't wear either.

I don't want other people pawing thorough my things, I think, when I die. I have some specifics I want to go to certain people but I don't really want all this stuff left behind. It is hell finding things of Jerry's that he kept for some unknown reason and wondering if I need to keep it. That is not happening so much now but still, once in awhile I find something and I spend days trying to decide what to do about it, agonizing over the last thing he touched, wrote, wore. Wondering if it was important. I threw out tons of stuff last year that I knew were not important. Earlier this year I did it again.. things he kept because he was clinging to life itself and by hanging on to a receipt in case he needed to return an item.... well, surely he'd live to return it if he needed to.

I'm not leaving stuff behind to sort out, agonize over, wonder about.

In a Fog

I don't know why but I really don't like it. I don't know if it is a fibro fog or not. I haven't had much pain but I'm not sleeping well so anything is possible. Either way, don't expect much until the weather clears... my weather.

I don't actually know what's wrong.. life in general I guess. If you ask me, I'd have to say everything is fine. But deep down it isn't. So there. Off to work.

I'll be back when I can. I have a writer's meeting tomorrow night so maybe that will wake me up.

Sunday Rambles

Mike went to church with me this morning. Afterward we went to Mandarin Garden for lunch. We both like Chinese and it wasn't very expensive as Sunday dinners go. Less that $25 for the buffet for both of us and that included our drinks and the tip. Although I really have a problem with tips since you basically wait on yourself except for your drinks. But at this place on Saturday and Sunday children under 7 eat free, too. So, altogether a good deal for a family.

On the way back we were talking about something, don't remember what but I told him that he had made life interesting. He looked at me and said, "Not on purpose." I could only laugh. He has these flashes of intuitive humor on occasion and I'm always surprised. I said, "No, I didn't think you did it on purpose but you did make it interesting." And he did, I guess, in a painful sort of way.

They were both interesting and fun to be with when they were growing up. Jerry and I both truly enjoyed our children. One never knew what was going to happen. I'm terribly saddened that I don't have his memories. They did things with him that I don't know about. And they don't seem to remember them... most kids don't. All of it lost.

Write down your memories now, while you have them. You children, grandchildren will have such a wonderful treasure in them. My family always told me things about myself growing up that I didn't know about, didn't remember because childhood is a blur of activity. Only the most profound things get remembered and they are often not the most amusing. Leave them good memories.

What a Difference A Vacation Makes

Two weeks away from one's work gives one an amazingly clear perspective of exactly how much work just sucks the life out of us. I spent time doing some things I enjoyed. I spent time doing some things that weren't my cup of tea. I spent some time sick. I spent some time just sitting in a chair, doing nothing. As a result of all this time spent, I realized that the structured environment of an office dealing with other people's problems is just not something I even care about. I have no desire to do it.

Life, despite all the rumors, is hard and often not fun. If one looks backward, against all advice, one will find that moments of happiness are islands in a sea of misery of one sort or another. There are those who would have us believe that this state of affairs builds character, strength, appreciation for beauty. I'm not buying it. It hasn't done much for me. But two weeks of watching white clouds drift across a blue sky lifted my spirits much more effectively than watching someone die. Five hours of sitting in an unstable canoe, drifting on the current, listening to the sound of nothing but birds while paddling in the rain did more for my character than five hours in this office listening to the whine of ungrateful, insensitive, lazy people.

No, work doesn't improve our character or the quality of life. It does improve our greed, competition with our fellow earthlings, breeds contempt and erodes good manners. We weren't designed for it actually. Two naked people in a garden, lying by a lake, eating fruit all day and playing tag clearly indicates we were meant for a life of leisure. While I'm not quite ready for the nudist camp, I am willing to forget structured work.

Unfortunately, once ensnared in this web, it is virtually impossible to escape. We've become dependent on work. We've bought the idea that it is required to survive and that quality of life can be purchased. We simply must have all the bells and whistles and fancy homes and clothes. We must, must, must be able to show to the outside world that we are successful, prosperous, and cultured. This requires vast quantities of money which can only be obtained by honest work, illegal activity, or winning the lottery. Since I have a moral and ethical code that prohibits illegal activity and gambling... aside from that involved in crossing the street or getting out of the shower, employment is the only alternative.

Those islands have gotten farther and farther apart. And once you've met death you realize you live with him pretty much all the time. He simply stands and waits his turn. So, the crowning moment of all this is that in all probability, if I ever reach a time that I no longer have to work, I'll die before I get to enjoy retirement. I once said he was no gentleman. It is true but he is patient.

Daddy's Dogs

My daddy raised bluetic hounds when I was about 12 years old. I don't know if 50% of you will even know what that is.

I' found a photo on Wiki. And here is a good link that describes the animal. Bluetic Hound

Actually, Mama raised the dogs. He had three of them. I remember her getting up in the middle of the night and bottle feeding those puppies for him. She grumbled that they were his dogs but she had to do the work! Well, he did work most days and on the weekend, well raising those pups would have cut drastically into his drinking time. So, she raised them and turned them over to him. Once grown, he hunted deer with them.

The blue tic is not a pretty dog per se. Although, I've seen some beautiful ones. They were pretty little pups but as grown dogs, they're a bit rangy - all legs and ears. They're very smart but have they ugliest bay you ever heard. You can hear it for miles in the woods. My daddy could imitate that bay and the dogs would answer!

I don't think he actually hunted that much either, not enough to pay for what it cost to keep those dogs. He was like those guys who go out and build this old car from their youth and sit it in the garage and drive it only on special occasions. He'd take a walk in the woods and the dogs would go with him. He always came back with how well they worked but I don't remember seeing a tremendous amount of deer meat. But then, deer season was only once a year for a period of weeks.

I remember when the dogs died. It was terrible to watch. They caught some kind of disease and lay on the ground on their sides baying and their legs running. I remember asking Daddy what was wrong with them and he said "He's taking his last run." He had to put them down but it was the hardest thing I think he'd ever done.

It was the only time I remember seeing him cry. Until, years later when Mama died.

This or That?

Discovered last night that the new videos I uploaded will play! In Internet Explorer, if you double click on the middle of the video they will open in another page in Quicktime and play just fine. In Firefox they want to upload in Windows Media player. So they do play, just not in the Multiply player. Use Internet Explorer. The Firefox takes too long. IE is fairly instantaneous.

However, the ones I loaded a couple of weeks ago that wouldn't play on Multiply....NOW will play in their player! Come on Multiply!Get it right! It was not broken before you "fixed" it.

Video Blues

Just posted my canoe videos. Don't even try to watch them until tomorrow. I don't know why it takes about 24 hours after I upload them to be able to watch them on their viewer without downloading them but it does.

I'm on my way to bed but hope once they work, you enjoy a short canoe ride. Less than an hour of footage, just a taste of the 5 hours I enjoyed.

Also, there is a special video where a special contact shows up.

Until next time... same bat.... oh, sorry, wrong show. G'nite!

Blue Skies and Sunshine

In abundance all day. I have been on the back patio since before noon. It has been balmy all day, perfect weather. I've written some on my story about Simon, read briefly, sunbathed off and on, listened to the birds, and watch movies on the laptop. I can smell the tulip tree blooms. It is loaded with them. They have a spicy smell, not sweet. My wind chimes have been tinkling all afternoon, too. The air has turned cooler. Currently, at nearly 7 p.m. it is 72 degrees with a light breeze.

This is one of those days you wish for many things but you wish most of all that it wouldn't end.I can sit here and pretend that life is normal for hours at a time. Now, I have to go in and find it isn't really. Survival, it is just survival.

Water, Water Everywhere

Next time you're offered a bottle of water you may want to think twice.