Not the Saturday I Envisioned

I got up and went to get lab work done. Two sticks. and she was still not sure she got enough blood.

I came home and paid bills but still don't have the bank statement done. I went to Lowe's and spend a stupid amount of money on flowers to plant. I have no idea what I'm doing so that is why I say it is stupid. But it is something to do.

I then went to the grocery store to buy food. I did. I came home and ate and was about to watch television when Mike stopped by and unloaded the dirt and flowers. I will be planting them a bit later. He brought a girl he's seeing and her daughter. She seems nice but I'm not very social today and I feel I wasn't very "welcoming". Oh, I wasn't rude. I did say hello and nice to meet you.

He left and Dave, Becca, and Sarah came by. Sarah played in the sand box. Dave napped. Becca talked. I listened. Sarah fell out the back door and skinned her knee. It did hurt. That's about a 14 inch fall onto the patio. She just missed the steps altogether. We washed, anointed and bandaged the boo-boo. Tried to get her to sleep but she wouldn't. She'd been to a birthday party earlier and should have been tired.

Mike and his friend came back. The little girl and Sarah are playing in the den with the toys. The little girl is about 10 but she seems to play well and Sarah is just happy to have someone to play with. Actually,sitting here in the living room listening to them chatter away, if I didn't know how old Sarah was I wouldn't know there was a six year gap. The other child doesn't sound as young as Sarah but Sarah sounds a lot older than 4!

Dave and Becca went home and Mike and his friend are on the patio. I think D & B will be back. D is supposed to cook out. The pool has water for the kids and I think Mike's friend may stay for supper. So... a nice evening but not the quiet one I had imagined.

Oh, lifting the dirt at Lowes seems to have loosened my back up some. Major clue there. It's probably fibro in my back muscle. If working the muscle makes it feel better, it isn't a pulled muscle.


I'm going now and be a good hostess.

Firday Windup... Wind-down?

Whatever! It is 2 p.m. and I am on a downhill roll. Work is going smoothly. So much so I've managed to get a lot done. I still have lots more but the box is half empty!

My back is sore. It is like fire across the top of my back and when I reach or turn a certain way it is a stabbing pain. I am going home and get a hot shower and have Becca come put some Bio Freeze on it. That is good stuff. Like Icy Hot and Ben Gay but a gel and it just doesn't irritate the way they can. I can only get it at chiropractic offices and spas. And I'm taking 800 mg of flexiril and 1200 mg of tylenol for muscle cramps.

Thanks to all of you that have stopped and offered encouragement, sympathy, and commiseration. I read all the comments. I don't always see it the way you do but it is nice to know someone thought about my words enough to say something to try and improve my outlook.

I can't say it has improved. I was so upset when that doctor said he couldn't do anything for me! It really distressed me and I thought I was going to cry. I'm good at not crying so I didn't but I wanted to. I can't tell anyone just how bad I feel. You wouldn't believe me! I can walk across a room and no one could tell. Well, they used to couldn't. I think now, maybe it is becoming more apparent to people. It is much harder to mask it but I do try. Still people I know ask, "Are you all right?"

So, anyway, thank you to my friends. Sometimes you are all I have.

No Surprises

Went to the pain management center. There is nothing they can do for me. He gave me samples of Savella. In Europe it is an antidepressant. Here it isn't. Go figure. It is used here to treat fibromyalgia. Side effects... elevated bp... so maybe a stroke since I have high bp already.

I called my insurance company because I'm not buying a medicine with the risk in Savella if they aren't going to pay for it after the samples are gone. My insurance won't cover either Savella or Lyrica until I've exhausted other medications. I can get it IF my RA doctor will diagnose me with fibro... she did that years ago. IF I take neuroten and it doesn't work. I have no idea what it is nor the effect it will have on me but so far what I am hearing is it will make me drunk. So, can't work if I take it.

No surprises here. I'm right were I was when I got up. Still in pain with no options.

Thursday Already

I'm taking a short break and I'll be going to my doctor's appointment in about two hours. I'm skipping lunch so I don't use too many hours. I don't know what they will be doing to me, if anything and so can't be sure I'll be back to work today or tomorrow. I will be glad if they can just give me something to make my back quit hurting. Today there is not a lot of pain overall but my back just isn't right. I still have reach problems, certain motions, and turning my head a certain way all send shock waves across my back and up my neck. Still, I'm not looking forward to the possibility of a shot in my neck or back.

I woke up probably around 4 a.m. but I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't wake again until about 6:30. The writer's meeting went a bit long but we had a great time. I went to bed a bit later than I have been and I took my pills much later. So, I'm more tired this morning than I have been being. I'll nap later I think. I am going to be pretty hungry as well since I'm not going to lunch. I don't know what to do about it. I can wait until I'm finished to eat but may not feel like it by then.



It is really a boring day. The weather is lovely. A nice 79 degrees and partly cloudy. It would be wonderful to sit in a lawn chair on the lawn and watch the clouds go by. I've asked Mike to cut the yard so it will be nice out there and I could actually sit outside if I feel ok. That is in the event they stick me.



I have got in this mindset that writing is a waste of time for me. I don't know. In the last month I've just kind of stopped and asked myself what I'm accomplishing and what earthly use my writing could possible be. My response was a resounding silence. I find myself so tired that the effort to put one foot in front of the other most days leaves me with nothing. I'm sapped by Five o'clock. It is distressing to think about but practically speaking, I should find another hobby that is more beneficial to me and the rest of the world.  Doug and I discussed this last night at the meeting. We both feel our jobs wring every creative thought right out of us.



I mean, take my blogs, for instance. They've become mediocre, if they were ever more than that. Who wants to read about my misfortunes and opinions and the craziness of my life? I don't even want to live it! Why would anyone take five minutes to read it. I can almost hear the snores. I don't know why I bother at all. I keep saying I am a writer. I tell myself that the writing is good, the story is good, there is something worthwhile in the whole process. I lie like a cheap rug. None of that is true at all. <sigh> In the end, I'm pretty much left talking to myself about it and talking myself out of writing.

When he left the meeting last night Doug called over his shoulder. "These meetings always energize me. Now, if I can keep the energy up until the weekend I might be able to do some writing."

I didn't last a day.

Cassie's Writing Challenge

The writer's meeting went well tonight even though there were only three of us. Doug, Cassie, and I had a really good time discussing writing.

Cassie and I remembered discussing a statement I had run across in "The Marshall Plan Workbook" at the last meeting. Cassie and I had this ah ha moment where something clicked and we shared it with Doug tonight while we were discussing his writing woes. "Before you can devise a crisis that will set your story in motion, you must define your lead. Why? Because whether or not an event is a crisis depends largely on who is experiencing it." I realized the problem I was having with Simon was solely because of this premise.

As the evening was winding down, Cassie issued a writing challenge. We got very excited about this. It is the first one and I told Cassie that it might become a fixture. "Cassie's Writing Challenge". She had no sooner gotten this one out than she announced her idea for a second one. However, I am sharing the first one here for anyone who wants to participate.

Deadline: June 30

What: Make use of the following sentence: I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Topic: Any topic but you must reference the quote in the story. You don't have to use the direct quote.

How long: 1000 words

We will be bringing our efforts to the next meeting to see how we fared. The next challenge . . . she is suggesting 6000 words by July 30! No topic has been picked and no other criteria discussed. I'll post it when she gets it worked out.

I'm headed for bed now. Pain in my back has been continuous and in my knees but most of the rest of it is much better. I'm just tired now.

Some Days are Like That

I woke up this morning with pain in my back. But not much pain anywhere else, thank goodness. I believe I've been in a flare. When I looked in the mirror I saw my skin is clearing up, too. I suspected some time ago that a terrible itchy rash on my back and what looks like rosacea on my face is somehow related to the fibromyalgia. They come and go with varying severity. I've had this darn rash for years and I hate it. I have tiny scars where I have scratched so much. My research found reference to both but I couldn't seem to see any link. Both seem to clear for no reason I could find. This week I saw both come up and then, begin to disappear with the pain escalation and subsidence.


It has been a killer flare. I go to the pain management doctor tomorrow and I'm nervous because if they give me a shot, I could go into a flare again. I don't know if I can handle it. I almost couldn't handle this one. Yes, they can give me narcotics to manage it but I'll sleep for three days and go back to work. I'm not wanting that either. I don't like losing days of my life anymore. Never liked it much anyways but now.... it is worse. They seem to be more limited now.


I have to go to work. I slept a half hour longer this morning and had the weirdest dream. Have no idea what brought it on and I can't tell it because all the people involved in my dream I know! They all go to my church! LOL. Nothing ugly just so crazy I wouldn't tell it, to anyone.


Writer's meeting tonight. I've asked that we start half an hour earlier but no word as yet if that is ok.

There is No Title

I doubt there is an adequate description to allow a title. The pain is terrible. I'm getting very little relief from anything. I have an appointment at the pain management clinic on Thursday afternoon. If I can make it to 2 pm that day I might get some help. It is my last resort. I've taken all I can take and prayed ever prayer I can pray. The pills don't work and God's busy elsewhere.


You can only deal with so much before it breaks you to pieces. To not be able to move without hurting, not be able to think, or sleep, or take care of your basic needs without pain only escalates the pain levels. I'm exhausted when I get up because I did not rest. When I get up I can't move without stabbing pain everywhere I touch. I can't sit, stand or lie down without pain. Not one second of relief. At this point, I begin to understand why some people pray for death.


This is not living. This is hell.

Hot, Hot, Hot

I came back from church and went out to check on the plants. It is over 91 but they say the humidity is so high it feels like 101! I can believe it.


I had to clean out the fountain. It had turned green! I suppose algae maybe.. not sure. I haven't had it on in days because the weather was so hot and I have felt so bad most of the week. I'll have to start emptying it after I come in. I tuned the fountain on after I cleaned it and have let it run. But I came in.


I took another muscle relaxant because my back it still just messed up. I don't know what to do. I can't stand it for long. Sitting and carrying things is bad. I don't have a solution. I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of waking up and nearly screaming when I roll over or try to get up. It is worse than it has ever been and I just want it to stop. The hot shower this morning didn't really help much. I took the Imitrex and I think it made me break out in a sweat. That's not a good sign if it was the pill. I was so hot and couldn't get cool and was sweating. This is a vaso-dilator and it can be dangerous. But at this point, I'm not sure if I care.

The Agony of Everything

I hurt all over, I mean everywhere.Feet, legs, back, arms shoulders, everything hurts. I woke at 5 a.m. with it and refused to get up. I dozed back off. Now, I"m up and I'm going to get a very hot shower and see if I can boil some of it away. This is has to be a "flare". I was really feeling better early last week but every move this morning sets off stabs of pain. Even yesterday I felt much better than this.

I am going to church. I am going to church. I asked everyone to go with me last night but got no responses from anyone but Sarah. She said she would go. Of course, she requires assistance so I'll figure it won't happen. Maybe for once I'll be surprised.

I'm seldom wrong about much. If I tell you the moon is made of green cheese you can bet I've checked. It isn't. It isn't arrogance, it's just experience.

Anyway, not sure if I'll make it back today. When I come home, if I'm not better, I'll go to bed. Sleep is the only thing that seems to work. I may take an Imitrex to see if it affects it. I'm getting curious about this migraine effect I have sometimes. If they'd give me the Lyrica I might be able to deal with this. Everyone who takes it tells me it works wonders. God forbid you take a medicine that actually works when you can take ten that don't!

Saturday in the Fish Bowl

I will not be sitting on the patio today. It is 92 and feels as if I need gills. The humidity is unbearable. It stormed Thursday afternoon and night. We're paying the price today. I took photos because Sarah got in the rain. She loves rain. So do I. I was tempted to get in it with her.

Dave, Becca and Sarah went to the zoo in Cincinnati today. They are having a really good time. I've talked to them several times. They took my car because their car has no air conditioning and it rather old. I felt better loaning him mine. They couldn't have stood the trip in this heat, particularly with Sarah. He just called and said they were headed home because it was really just too hot. Sarah has misbehaved all day. LOL, what can a highly intelligent 3 1/2 year old get into?

Last night I met with Snowgoon and we talked about Hidden in the Mist. Basically, I told him the whole story, reading parts because that was the easiest way to get the feel of the story out. The guy is a veritable font of Machiavellian ideas. He can see the sinister in everything. I suppose I should be nervous but he's really quite normal otherwise. I now have three different scenarios to work with that he simply plucked from what I had already written! And I can remember when I originally started it that I was actually thinking along those lines!

Today my back is much better. I came home early for two days this week because my back was hurting so badly. When I came in yesterday, I took a muscle relaxant and an imitrex for my headache. I felt the pain was giving me a headache. I lay down for about three hours. I felt better for the rest of the evening. Today, I've cleaned the living room, dusted, done laundry, vacuumed the floors and dusted under the beds. Put drain cleaner in the sinks and washed the tub mat and shower curtain. The pain is so much better! And the house smells a bit better. I'm considering taking another muscle relaxant just to give me a bit more relief.

I think I slept better too. I didn't go to bed until after 1 a.m.! My mind was running over from my talk. But I always take a muscle relaxant at night . I've just never taken one in the afternoon because they make me sleepy. Although I didn't sleep yesterday after taking it, I just relaxed for a couple of hours. So, I'm going to take one now and see if it will help me again. I'd love to wake up with no pain tomorrow... every tomorrow.

I'm going now. I want to finish some other things while I seem to have the energy. I am not going out at all. I don't have the proper equipment. Maybe it will cool off by dark but I doubt it.

A Giant Crane Is In the Way

When I walked in this morning, before even the boss was here, I was met at the door by another employee. "The computers aren't working."

After unlocking my door and putting my bag on the desk, I went in search of the tech guy's phone number. Jay is a nice guy who works with the company we've contracted for technical support. We have lots of issues and it seems Jay is always on the job.

"Jay, we're having problems over here. System is down. Is it the same problem as yesterday or is something else going on?"

"It's the same thing. There is a giant crane in our way."

Ah.

"We're coming over today and move the tower to the corner of the building to see if we can work around it. Either Friday or Monday we're getting an emergency server at your place and that should fix it."

They are building an arena downtown. There are lots of steel beams and a giant crane smack in the center of town and smack in the center of our wireless towers. My building is seven floors and on the roof is our tower. Corporate placed the other tower on the roof of another building next to their office, a two story building. The arena, I suspect, is going to be as high as my building. The crane certainly is higher. So, we can't connect with corporate via the internet. We can't process any paperwork. We can't pull reports. There is a giant crane in the way.

We had lots of problems with the wireless when we first got it about nine years ago. They had to move those towers all over before they found a clear line of sight. I asked them, "What if someone builds something between them?"

They felt there was little chance of that. Well, there WAS a building already in the spot where the arena is now being constructed. But buildings fall to progress with amazing frequency. People's minds do not move that fast or often. So, now there is a giant crane standing between us. It isn't going anywhere.

There is always a giant crane somewhere, blocking communications, interfering with daily life, wreaking havoc for someone. People have to move things to get around them, reposition themselves to find the spot where the crane loses its ability to cut one off. The giant crane can't move because the work it must do can only be done from that location. It sinks its giant legs into the ground and begins its work of erecting towers that block the light and cast shadows across one's path. It isn't going anywhere.

I suppose giant cranes serve a purpose. They help some to reach high places and erect great monuments. They aide in lifting heavy burdens that would otherwise be impossible to lift. But when they block your path, they tend to be a nuisance. Things that need to be done, don't get done. Progress is stopped. Disappointments and frustrations pile up. The only solution is to change either your position or location. You have to find a path around the giant crane that will allow everything to flow uninterrupted. It's a giant crane. It isn't going anywhere. You have to be the one to move.

Monday Thoughts

How shall we do this? Do I number them? Probably isn't enough to bother. Do I alphabetize them? Again, not enough.

I think I should have stayed in bed. My back is still hurting. I still can't move in certain directions or ways.

I think if I could get 10 hours sleep and wake up feeling human, life might be nice.

I think I do not like being alone. I've never been alone in my whole life. I used to think I'd like being alone sometimes. I was wrong. Or maybe I was mistaken.

I think I'll get some more flowers and plant them. I've got nothing else to do and there will be less grass to mow.

I think I'll get more bird feeders and another bird bath. Birds are our friends.

I think I need to find a contractor to fix the house. I just don't want to bother with it.

I think I need more money. It isn't good for much but it is nice to have on a rainy day in the Bahamas. Or England..... or to pay a contractor.

I think I'd like to retire... now. But I haven't won the lottery yet.... I haven't even bought a ticket.

I think I should buy a ticket.

I think I am probably slightly depressed but honestly, it doesn't hurt unless I think about it.

I think when 5:00 p.m. rolls around I will breath a sigh of relief.

I think this is one of the most boring blogs I've ever posted.

I think I'll stop now. I'm really reaching.

Where I Am....

So many places. I'm under that red umbrella for starters. It is 78 degrees out here and there is a breeze. I stayed in all day in a chair and my back is not much better. I finally decided to come out and walk around. I watered the plants and cleaned out the fountain. The birds love it and the feeders. I've watched dozens have lunch.

I watered flowers planted over the Memorial Day weekend. I took water out of Sarah's pool with a watering can and found that my upper back, around the shoulder blade is still in bad shape. I feel it in my neck and across my back. I can't do anything about it so chose to ignore it long enough to water the plants. There is a lot more water in the pool! I could probably water for days and probably will. No more emptying the pool and wasting all that water.

I'm watching the fountain as it sings in my backyard. When I sit here like this I never want to go anywhere else. Is that wrong? Just to sit here and not worry about anything or think about anything.

I'm re-reading my story, Hidden in the Mist. I started about five chapters from the end and am reading forward to give me an idea of what was happening when I stopped in 2008 for Nano and never went back to it because life. . . and death diverted me along a different path. It will need a new title eventually I suspect. However, I can't figure out why this thing is any good. . . but I have to say that a lot of it is pretty good. I refuse to fix a single thing until I'm done with it. So, I'm going to do that. I'm tempted to give myself a deadline. They work pretty good for me but I don't know how to monitor it.

The wind is blowing and the sky is blue and I sit here wondering what you are supposed to do when your whole life has been centered around the people you love and you wake up one day and they are all gone and you are still here? Remember the lyrics "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"? The song is Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson. I always liked it and have it playing on Project Playlist. The one phrase is truer than even I ever knew. Yet, life always finds something else to take from you. You really don't want to be that free.

I'm in a strange place, on the edge of something that I can't see. I try not to see beyond now, not to think about tomorrow until I get up in the morning. In fact, I try not to think about much of anything. It works better that way.

Sunday Pressures

I feel like I just went on a cross country hike carrying a 20 lb pack! I woke to creaking joints. Everything is stiff! Last night I had to get up and put the Valtoren gel on my lower back and at the spine around my neck. I think I'll have to do it this morning too, and take a hot shower! My shoulders are stiff, too.

I'm supposed to take Sarah and Mike to Sunday School this morning but I don't know if I'm going to get loosened up enough to do that. Mike can drive but I'll have to wrestle with Sarah. And much as I love her, when I'm like this, I just can't lift her around. Dave and Becca say they have to do laundry so they can't go with me.

I get so tired of being tired and stiff, of having a nice day and then several bad ones. It seems if I do anything on Saturdays I pay on Sundays! I don't know what I can do about it. That's the way the weekend falls. If I don't work around the house and yard, or I don't play with Sarah, and I don't go shopping. And if I sit too much, I have the same problem....

I'm going now to see if I can get sorted out.

Short Week

I am working today and then I am off until Monday. This two day work week is really nice! I've had a sort of mini vacation for the last two weeks. I'm going to have to plan next year, if the Lord is willing, around the May and June holidays. Had I been able to take my vacation the last week of May I'd have had fewer days counted on my vacation time! But I didn't plan for that vacation and it cost me very little so I'm grateful for it. I needed to get away.

I'm out of St. John's Wort for the last three days. I'll get to the store soon but I think I'm going to try and cut back to one a day. I've been taking two a day for a year now and at some point I have to start reducing it. I'm not going to live my life being controlled by this. I've done it before and I can do it again. Just don't know how hard it will be this time. I can't shut off my mind.

I was reminded yesterday morning of a place in the Bible where it calls satan an accuser of the brethen. I always have difficult time early in the mornings and in the evenings, when I am home. I am waking up at 6 every morning and since I apparently can't change it, I have been reading my Bible a bit, reading Streams in the Desert - a devotional I have, and praying. You must understand that praying is very very hard, almost impossible. Not that I don't believe in prayer, but because the overwhelming state of my mind can't go beyond a certain point before I just lose sight of everything but a prayer for help through this mess.

Anyway while sitting on the sofa saying a prayer, I had this . . . vision. . . . or if you prefer, impression of someone sitting across from me smiling and pointing out all these things to me, things I already know and struggle with. No, I am not crazy. I am not seeing "things". Not actually seeing them, just in my imagination. I don't need a shrink. And yes, I do know how to handle those things. My grandmother taught me that a long time ago. I did what she taught me to do, what I've always done. I prayed against it. I prayed over my house and property. And yes, "it" left. The accusations stopped in moments. You call it what you will. Power of positive thinking, positive affirmation, self-hypnosis, all that bunk. I don't care what other people call it. I know what I call it. And I had a respite from it all. My house was clear and while I'm still in this horrible fog that won't let me think, at least I was able to not think about things that were painful.

There was a writer's meeting of sort last night. Three of us, Sarah, Cassie, and me. Katie and Kathy had prior commitments but we don't know where Doug is. We have not heard in over a week from him. His job is so hectic and he works long hours so it isn't unusual for him to be invisible for a long time but we missed him at the meeting. He usually lets us know he's out there. Have to email him today just to check on him.

I'm going to work. Only 8 hours and I am off for the weekend. That will be so nice if I can get some things accomplished. I've really had this cloudy thinking for two weeks now, worse than usual, and I'm not getting anywhere. Last night I started working on Mist again. I think I'll go back to it and leave Simon alone for now. I want to finish Mist. Maybe finishing one story will be a positive influence. And Mist is nearly finished. I'm on the last leg of the first draft. I don't know where Alice had gotten to but I'm sending her an email.

Most of you may have seen my sister's blog this morning. They are having a difficult time right now. If you pray please keep them in your prayers. It is the only way I know of to help.

The End of the Holiday

Today was a day of endings. My holiday has ended. Everyone has gone home. My aunt and Uncle left after the Memorial Day ceremony at the cemetery. I was very sad to see them go. It is so hard now to see family leave. Dave, Becca and Sarah stayed and David grilled out for us. They just left with Mike a few minutes ago.

Becca brought her mom over and she ate with us and Mike came over. It was a nice, although hot afternoon. We moved my small patio table from the front patio under the tulip tree way in the back yard. You have all seen photos of that tree. David cooked under it. The breeze was wonderful and we were quite comfortable beneath the shade. I'm definitely going to put a small patio under that tree. It is a perfect place to relax and have a cookout.

While we were eating my sister came over. We invited her to come eat but she didn't even come out to say hello. She got on the computer and stayed inside and then she left.

Now, all the mess is cleaned up and everyone is gone. I'm alone. I suppose that is ultimately where we all end up, isn't it. I'm going to get a hot shower. My back, around my shoulder blade, feels as if a knife is stabbing me. And I have a sore neck, as usual. A hot shower, my medicine and a nice book or maybe writing something if I can summon the muse to write sounds good. I might be able to sleep in a little while. I'm thankful that I took tomorrow off and only have two days to work this week!

The Longer the Day

..... grows the more painful I get. Everything hurts and I have a migraine. I've been having a cramp in my foot, pain in my neck and shoulders, pain in my lower back, and arms. My hands feel as if they were crushed and reassembled. I do not think a flower or two is worth all that.

Yes, a parking lot sounds just fine.

I have to go get ready for church. Tomorrow we are going to the Veterans Memorial service at the cemetery. We did this last year and it was rainy so they had to do it in the mausoleum. It is supposed to rain tomorrow too. I was so hoping it would be outside in the Veterans section. They have a beautiful plaza there for it.

I'm not feeling well at all so I'm going to stop now. I hope everyone has had a nice weekend. And if you are a US citizen, please, leave flowers on a veterans grave somewhere, even if you do not know them. Find one that has no flowers tomorrow and honor a forgotten hero.

Cleaning House

Just cleaned out about half dozen contact from Multiply. All were people I've not heard from or seen in over six months. Some I know just have disappeared because of things going on but there is no sense in having this inflated list of people I never hear from for whatever reason.

I'm going to be doing the same on Face Book. Someone told me that in a job interview recently they were asked if they had anything embarrassing on Face Book. So, guess what? My Face Book may be going bye-bye. And all my blogs may be going to just contacts only. I've discovered that I can actually select individuals I want to see the blogs and those I don't on both sites. So, since I'd just as soon not have some of the junk that is appearing on my wall there, I'm either going dark or limiting access to select individuals.

Was anyone aware that your employer would want to look you up? I sort of knew but didn't really think about it until now. So, I'm reviewing what's on the my wall and the drama is going. Don't need it.

On a Sunday

I'm about to head out to church. I'm a bit sore this morning in my hands from using the lawn mower. It has a self-propelled handle that had to be held down and it always caused extreme pain in my hand when I use it and for days afterward. Mike did do most of the work there. In fact, he helped me all afternoon. We have four or five bags of grass and he said the lawn looked nice.

The fountain is lovely. I have to find a spot for it now. I had originally intended to put a bird bath where the old one was and could put this there but it is wayyyyyy on in the middle of the yard and would require running an electrical cord across the yard. So, the idea is to make a small area nearer the house, lay some paving stones, sit the fountain on those. I could plant some things around it then. I almost bought a yellow hibiscus yesterday to put out where the old birdbath sat but didn't. I may go back and get it this afternoon. I know absolutely nothing about plants.

Mike is ready to go so I need to head out. Once again I was told Dave, Becca and Sarah would be going to church. I didn't believe it but I keep hoping. They aren't answering the phone. I knew last night they wouldn't do it. They were already planning on what they had to do when they got home and it was midnight when they left. I do not know anymore what to do but obviously it won't matter. Sadly, it is Sarah who will pay the price in this. She is being taught faithfulness and obedience is unimportant. That one can follow one's own philosophy and everything is fine.

See, I believe this thing I practice. I believe it and have seen the blessings of faithfulness and obedience over and over and over. I've seen the destitution of faithlessness and disobedience as well. Whether life is fair or not doesn't matter. I believe in God's Word and the instructions I've been given in that. When we put ourselves first over faithfulness, when obedience becomes "if I feel like it", we lose far more than we can imagine. And our children are the ones who suffer the greatest loss.

The Bible tells about the generation after children of Israel who came out of Egypt. They all became rather wicked and left the ways they had been taught to live. They were not faithful to God. The Bible says the reason this happened is the parents stopped teaching them and stopped following the teachings themselves. It says the children "forgot" the things their parents knew and experienced. How does one forget a cloud by day and pillar of fire by night? How does one forget the opening of a sea with dry land on the bottom?

At two years old, I watched Michael stand in the middle of a room at a church banquet of about 250 people and "preach" for 15 minutes about baptism. He knew the scripture by heart at two and could barely quote it. When we went to church, he always worshiped. And for years I had ministers at fellowships who had visited our church approach me and say they remembered seeing him do this. There are still people in that remember that banquet and talk about it. Mike is one of the most faithful people I know. He doesn't always do the right thing, but he tries and is more faithful at times than I.

Paul I believe said that the greatest comfort was to know his children walked in truth. He was talking about God's truth, not their own.

It's Only Money

I just spent a ridiculous amount of money on a fountain for my back yard. It is a two tier cast iron fountain. I have no idea how I'll put it up yet or exactly where. But I'm really quite pleased with it. Here is the photo of it from the garden center's website. I'm quite pleased with it. It stands taller than Sarah and can't wait to see it going when she is here.

I was going to get a bird bath but when I saw all the fountains going at Lowe's I couldn't help it. I wanted one. They had one I could have bathed in and if I ever have the money I'll be buying it! It was huge and since I have this huge back yard I could have a large one but it means doing some serious landscaping and I'm not up for that yet.

I've decided to try and get all the non-essential debt paid by the fall and take out a loan to get the siding on the house replaced and repaired and gutters up. I don't know what that will cost but I it is doable I believe. I'd like to do the yard up nice next.

I'm waiting for the sun to go over just a but before cutting the yard. The plan was for the kids to all come over and we'd cook out and get the yard done and just have a nice day together. It is gone 1 p.m. and no one showed up. So, I went to Sam's Club and bought rotisserie chicken. I'm making a sweet pea salad too. When that is done, I'm going to get my book and sit on the patio and eat alone. Then, by around 3 I can cut the yard. I can do it without help.

For those of you who've never heard of sweet pea salad you don't know what you're missing.

1 can of sweet peas (those little round green peas - may be called something else in other locals. LeSuer, Delmonte, just about everyone carries them.
1 or two boiled eggs - chopped up finely (I do one egg for each can of peas)
1-2 tablespoons sweet relish per can depending on how much you like the tartness.
2-3 tablespoons of Mayonnaise or Miracle Whip -again depending on how much of the dressing you want. Don't put too much!

Mix it all up in a bowl and eat freshly made or chill it. Great either way in the summer time. We eat it all year long. My family devours this stuff. It was my grandmother's recipe. I've never seen anyone turn their nose up at it.

I've started or rather picked back up a puzzle I stared last year after I finished the train puzzle. It will be another glow in the dark of a lovely village street with a street car and people and gaslights. I'll be posting photos again I think. I put it aside last year when I moved furniture but last night I brought it to the den and put it out on my table. I sat here with my wireless connection playing television shows and putting the puzzle together. I believe it was the most relaxing evening I've spent in a long time.

I took flowers to the cemetery today. I really have a very hard time going there. And the grave looks so bad. Grass is still not growing well. I notice that several are like this. And the clover is everywhere. I suspect as a city cemetery it isn't landscaped very well. But it would be nice to think that the veterans cemetery was given more care. I'm thinking of buying a bag of grass seeds and strewing them. I suppose they'd probably not grow that way but maybe some would. I may wait until the next rain and do it while it is raining. They'd get a good soaking and the ground would be soft. Right now it is very hard. Still, it is a lovely cemetery and I am glad he's there.

I'm going out now. I've fixed and finished my lunch. I don't know for sure if they kids are coming over. I remember the times in the last months his life when Jerry begged them to bring Sarah over and they didn't. Will I ever get images out of my mind? I don't think so. I should haves never end.

Work on Wednesday

I'm on my way to work and the day is as gray as it gets. It is 56 degrees out and I want to know who stole the spring?

I have accomplished so much at work this week that I am astounded but I've gone in and closed out every thought and just processed like a machine. Maybe that is why I've been exhausted every night. This morning, I'm so tired and just want to lie down and sleep some more. I woke up again in the middle of the night. I don't know why I'm doing that and it is disconcerting. I keep feeling like someone is watching me when I wake up. Don't like it at all. I usually have to will myself to turn over and go back to sleep and I do fall asleep. Just would rather NOT be woken up. And I've been waking up an hour earlier - 6 a.m.!

Tonight is writer's meeting and I'm so looking forward to it. I haven't seen the group in over a month and need a bit of insanity to put me on track I think.

I hate I'm not writing. It is as if everything dried up and I have no idea why. I've done a little but precious little. Maybe it is time to go back to an old work and get it going again to get me in a mental place to actually write.

I've stopped getting breakfast on the way to work and eating it at work. I will save a few dollars and am not having to rush so much. Although, I'm waking up an hour earlier too on top of not sleeping well and so it makes sense to just fix breakfast. I'm not a big breakfast eater but since I'm skipping a formal supper at night I figure I have to eat something. You'd think I'd lose pounds the way meals are not but I'm not.

Ok, time to dash out the door. I had more to say but I want to beat the rush hour and have time to get into work mode.

I only need four million dollars to retire.

Mid-Day Update

I've been at workthree hours and I've actually got a lot accomplished. I think I have just reached a place I have to keep moving so I don't lie down and die. That's the way it feels. I want to lie down. The day itself is heavily overcast. It hasn't rained but it is just a cotton batting day. That doesn't help my mood at all.

I was thinking on the way to work I need to clean out cabinets and get rid of a lot of stuff. I have tons of dishes that I no longer need. No  big family to feed. No tons of friends. No house filled at the holidays. Just me. I don't need it and I think it is time to go. I also am going to get rid of a lot of furniture. It is just in the way and I have to clean it. Maybe it is crazy but I have this real need to throw everything out. Bit crazy I suppose.

I'm getting rid of the china cabinet and two book shelves. I still have two more book shelves so it isn't a big issues... except the books are a problem. I was thinking of getting rid of all the books in my book shelves and Becca said she would like to have the shelves. I told her she could. One of them is a really nice bookcase with sliding glass doors. The back leg was broken off when I got it used. But it is Ethan Allen and really nice. I have a block I put under it and it has worked fine. No one can see it anyway. Since they will be moving in a couple of months, she can get them then.

Lots of dishes, enough for a family of four. I never cook and so I have some old pots and pans to get rid of as well. I don't know when was the last time I went into the pantry for a pan. I use what is on top of the stove if I need a pot. I'm going to clean out closets and toss a lot of clothes I don't wear either.

I don't want other people pawing thorough my things, I think, when I die. I have some specifics I want to go to certain people but I don't really want all this stuff left behind. It is hell finding things of Jerry's that he kept for some unknown reason and wondering if I need to keep it. That is not happening so much now but still, once in awhile I find something and I spend days trying to decide what to do about it, agonizing over the last thing he touched, wrote, wore. Wondering if it was important. I threw out tons of stuff last year that I knew were not important. Earlier this year I did it again.. things he kept because he was clinging to life itself and by hanging on to a receipt in case he needed to return an item.... well, surely he'd live to return it if he needed to.

I'm not leaving stuff behind to sort out, agonize over, wonder about.

In a Fog

I don't know why but I really don't like it. I don't know if it is a fibro fog or not. I haven't had much pain but I'm not sleeping well so anything is possible. Either way, don't expect much until the weather clears... my weather.

I don't actually know what's wrong.. life in general I guess. If you ask me, I'd have to say everything is fine. But deep down it isn't. So there. Off to work.

I'll be back when I can. I have a writer's meeting tomorrow night so maybe that will wake me up.

Sunday Rambles

Mike went to church with me this morning. Afterward we went to Mandarin Garden for lunch. We both like Chinese and it wasn't very expensive as Sunday dinners go. Less that $25 for the buffet for both of us and that included our drinks and the tip. Although I really have a problem with tips since you basically wait on yourself except for your drinks. But at this place on Saturday and Sunday children under 7 eat free, too. So, altogether a good deal for a family.

On the way back we were talking about something, don't remember what but I told him that he had made life interesting. He looked at me and said, "Not on purpose." I could only laugh. He has these flashes of intuitive humor on occasion and I'm always surprised. I said, "No, I didn't think you did it on purpose but you did make it interesting." And he did, I guess, in a painful sort of way.

They were both interesting and fun to be with when they were growing up. Jerry and I both truly enjoyed our children. One never knew what was going to happen. I'm terribly saddened that I don't have his memories. They did things with him that I don't know about. And they don't seem to remember them... most kids don't. All of it lost.

Write down your memories now, while you have them. You children, grandchildren will have such a wonderful treasure in them. My family always told me things about myself growing up that I didn't know about, didn't remember because childhood is a blur of activity. Only the most profound things get remembered and they are often not the most amusing. Leave them good memories.

What a Difference A Vacation Makes

Two weeks away from one's work gives one an amazingly clear perspective of exactly how much work just sucks the life out of us. I spent time doing some things I enjoyed. I spent time doing some things that weren't my cup of tea. I spent some time sick. I spent some time just sitting in a chair, doing nothing. As a result of all this time spent, I realized that the structured environment of an office dealing with other people's problems is just not something I even care about. I have no desire to do it.

Life, despite all the rumors, is hard and often not fun. If one looks backward, against all advice, one will find that moments of happiness are islands in a sea of misery of one sort or another. There are those who would have us believe that this state of affairs builds character, strength, appreciation for beauty. I'm not buying it. It hasn't done much for me. But two weeks of watching white clouds drift across a blue sky lifted my spirits much more effectively than watching someone die. Five hours of sitting in an unstable canoe, drifting on the current, listening to the sound of nothing but birds while paddling in the rain did more for my character than five hours in this office listening to the whine of ungrateful, insensitive, lazy people.

No, work doesn't improve our character or the quality of life. It does improve our greed, competition with our fellow earthlings, breeds contempt and erodes good manners. We weren't designed for it actually. Two naked people in a garden, lying by a lake, eating fruit all day and playing tag clearly indicates we were meant for a life of leisure. While I'm not quite ready for the nudist camp, I am willing to forget structured work.

Unfortunately, once ensnared in this web, it is virtually impossible to escape. We've become dependent on work. We've bought the idea that it is required to survive and that quality of life can be purchased. We simply must have all the bells and whistles and fancy homes and clothes. We must, must, must be able to show to the outside world that we are successful, prosperous, and cultured. This requires vast quantities of money which can only be obtained by honest work, illegal activity, or winning the lottery. Since I have a moral and ethical code that prohibits illegal activity and gambling... aside from that involved in crossing the street or getting out of the shower, employment is the only alternative.

Those islands have gotten farther and farther apart. And once you've met death you realize you live with him pretty much all the time. He simply stands and waits his turn. So, the crowning moment of all this is that in all probability, if I ever reach a time that I no longer have to work, I'll die before I get to enjoy retirement. I once said he was no gentleman. It is true but he is patient.

Daddy's Dogs

My daddy raised bluetic hounds when I was about 12 years old. I don't know if 50% of you will even know what that is.

I' found a photo on Wiki. And here is a good link that describes the animal. Bluetic Hound

Actually, Mama raised the dogs. He had three of them. I remember her getting up in the middle of the night and bottle feeding those puppies for him. She grumbled that they were his dogs but she had to do the work! Well, he did work most days and on the weekend, well raising those pups would have cut drastically into his drinking time. So, she raised them and turned them over to him. Once grown, he hunted deer with them.

The blue tic is not a pretty dog per se. Although, I've seen some beautiful ones. They were pretty little pups but as grown dogs, they're a bit rangy - all legs and ears. They're very smart but have they ugliest bay you ever heard. You can hear it for miles in the woods. My daddy could imitate that bay and the dogs would answer!

I don't think he actually hunted that much either, not enough to pay for what it cost to keep those dogs. He was like those guys who go out and build this old car from their youth and sit it in the garage and drive it only on special occasions. He'd take a walk in the woods and the dogs would go with him. He always came back with how well they worked but I don't remember seeing a tremendous amount of deer meat. But then, deer season was only once a year for a period of weeks.

I remember when the dogs died. It was terrible to watch. They caught some kind of disease and lay on the ground on their sides baying and their legs running. I remember asking Daddy what was wrong with them and he said "He's taking his last run." He had to put them down but it was the hardest thing I think he'd ever done.

It was the only time I remember seeing him cry. Until, years later when Mama died.

This or That?

Discovered last night that the new videos I uploaded will play! In Internet Explorer, if you double click on the middle of the video they will open in another page in Quicktime and play just fine. In Firefox they want to upload in Windows Media player. So they do play, just not in the Multiply player. Use Internet Explorer. The Firefox takes too long. IE is fairly instantaneous.

However, the ones I loaded a couple of weeks ago that wouldn't play on Multiply....NOW will play in their player! Come on Multiply!Get it right! It was not broken before you "fixed" it.

Video Blues

Just posted my canoe videos. Don't even try to watch them until tomorrow. I don't know why it takes about 24 hours after I upload them to be able to watch them on their viewer without downloading them but it does.

I'm on my way to bed but hope once they work, you enjoy a short canoe ride. Less than an hour of footage, just a taste of the 5 hours I enjoyed.

Also, there is a special video where a special contact shows up.

Until next time... same bat.... oh, sorry, wrong show. G'nite!

Blue Skies and Sunshine

In abundance all day. I have been on the back patio since before noon. It has been balmy all day, perfect weather. I've written some on my story about Simon, read briefly, sunbathed off and on, listened to the birds, and watch movies on the laptop. I can smell the tulip tree blooms. It is loaded with them. They have a spicy smell, not sweet. My wind chimes have been tinkling all afternoon, too. The air has turned cooler. Currently, at nearly 7 p.m. it is 72 degrees with a light breeze.

This is one of those days you wish for many things but you wish most of all that it wouldn't end.I can sit here and pretend that life is normal for hours at a time. Now, I have to go in and find it isn't really. Survival, it is just survival.

Water, Water Everywhere

Next time you're offered a bottle of water you may want to think twice.

Time Killer

SIX NAMES YOU GO BY

1. Cindy

2. Cynthia

3.Mom

4. Mawmaw

5.Dixie

6. Bitch (close personal friends only...)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW

1. sleeveless cotton knit top
2. leggings

3.glasses

THREE THINGS YOU WANT VERY BADLY AT THE MOMENT

1. to write Simon's story

2. not to feel this constant hollow feeling

3. Jerry to come home

THREE PEOPLE YOU HOPE WILL DO THE MEME

1. Roselyn

2. Jilly

3. Cass

THREE THINGS YOU DID LAST NIGHT

1. had burgers with my kids

2.rocked and kissed Sarah while she slept.

3. watched two television show

THREE PEOPLE YOU LAST TALKED TO ON THE PHONE

1. Mike - son

2.My aunt

3. Becca - daughter-in-law

THREE THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO TOMORROW

1. go to work

2. work on packing

3. get Mike to the audiologist

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS

1. diet coke

2. iced tea

3. Hot cocoa

THREE THINGS THAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY

1. The little blond girl in church who is Sarah's age showing me her small red Gideon bible. "It has the all the Word in it."

2. Her little blond brother who always smiles at me with such sparkling eyes. He reminds me of two other little blond boys I knew once.

3. My pastor, he is just such an awesome man with a heart for God.

Sun, Sand and Sarah

I'm sitting beneath that red umbrella listening to the wind chimes I bought and Sarah playing in the sand box. It is a lovely day but a bit chilly for my taste. I had looked forward to short sleeves, sandals and relaxing in the sun. I got the sun. I'm wearing short sleeves. . . beneath a jacket made out of the same stuff sweatsuits are made of. I have on sandals but I had to put hose on to keep my legs warm.

I have been writing a tiny bit. I'm very dissatisfied with it all. I've got off track. We talked about it in the writers' meeting but honestly, I didn't want to hear it. But it is true. I'm not writing the story I set out to write. I have to back track a bit. Maybe do what Doug suggested and write something that can be inserted where the problem starts.... LOL at the beginning?

Dave and Becca have gone to get my lawnmower and I hope they can get it in their trunk. It is a big ole thing. But it didn't cost to get the repair done. I'm glad.I already spent too much on that truck tale. I have to get the yard cut today and then, I won't have to do anything else but finish up in the house.

I hate packing. I don't know what I need to take. I only have one bag and my carry on luggage. I'm going to carry two of those, one for the laptop and one for other items. Both will fit under the seat or in the overhead. I suspect the flight will be booked. After reading all about the problem in Europe with flights being grounded all over, I'm a bit glad this wasn't my trip to England! I want to visit but I don't know what I'd do if I got stranded like that. My poor friends would have an American house guest longer than anticipated. Of course there are several of them. Suppose I could make the rounds like a poor relation. LOL! Me with my luggage wheeling around England because the planes won't fly? OMG....

I started this around 3 this afternoon and Dave got back with my mower. So, we came in and he did yard work for me. I read stories, listened to Sarah tell knock-knock jokes. She's so funny. She laughs at her own jokes! I talked to Becca. My sister stopped by and we talked and watched Sarah. She took Sarah for a walk too. Sarah then took a nap. Mike was over to do laundry all day.

We did go to the restaurant, by the way. I have videos and photos of today's events. They will be posted shortly.

Before they left we had hamburgers. Sarah was sitting on the sofa eating a fry. She looks at me and says, "I had a good time today." We all laughed. She's 3 1/2 for heavens sake!

Which Way From Here?

It has been a very rough week, all things considered. I've been stressed at work, stressed by medical issues, and stressed by my life in general. I had brief breaks of calm in there.

Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.

Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.

Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.

Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.

I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.

I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.

So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.

Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.

I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.

Welcome to My World

I have to relate the events of my Saturday. I was so busy over the weekend that I had not had time to get on and blog about what was going on. You can see from the previous post that Sunday was hectic. Well, Saturday was no less. Monday... don't ask.

Saturday I got up early and did a few things but I had to go get Mike and rent a U-Haul truck to go get Sarah's swing. We picked the truck up around noon, bought her swing and worked the rest of the afternoon putting it up. We have a sandbox with new sand and a swing that still needs it's slide. Becca and I worked until it was too dark to see and said the slide could wait until David was home Tuesday. Sarah was getting tired and irritable and so were we. It is a nice little swing.

I thought I'd have the truck back to U-Haul by that point but I told Mike we'd get that old mattress out of his place and to a dumpster while we had it and then take the truck back. It was nearly 9 pm by then. We put the box the swing came in in the bed of the truck would dump them, too. He went to his house to get the mattress. Becca and I sat around at my house and then I took them home after about 30 minutes. The dumpster was at her place and so I waited there for Mike to bring the truck. It was convenient because the rental place was three blocks from where Becca lives.

I waited. And waited. And waited. I got tic'd. Mike has a habit of joy riding. He loves to drive and doesn't own a car now. He takes the long way around all the time. And he's not a careful driver. My mind was playing lots of games with me. I was exhausted and it was nearly 10 pm. I told her I was going home and when he got there he was to get to my house asap because I was furious with him.

I left and went down Hwy 41, a four lane, since that is the road he'd come to her house on. I figured if I saw him I just turn around and go back. It was an inconvenience to have to make another trip from my house. I had almost reached the crossroad when Becca called to tell me that Mike had called. She said he had a fish tale. Actually, she said he has wonky story about the mattress catching fire in the back of the truck. He was on the Expressway and the fire department was there. She, as well as I, didn't buy it. She gave me the number he called from and hung up saying, "Sounded like a lot of people in the background."

I called and asked for Mike. The woman who answered laughed and said, "Oh yes, we called the fire department from my phone. Hang on."

He said the mattress had caught fire in the truck. There was more but I couldn't make sense of it. I finally asked, "Where are you!?" He told me. It was just a short job from where I was by then. I could see the fire truck from where I was waiting to get on the expressway. I had to go down, and turn around and come back as he was on the opposite side.

Here's the break down. He got the mattress and put it in the back of the truck on top of the box the swing came in. This box, top and bottom were built like coffins... I could have lain down in either and still have room to put my knees up. Then he headed to where I was waiting. But the mattress blew off somewhere on the expressway. When he realized it he had to turn around and go look for it. He said he had to go around twice before he located it near the on ramp. He got there, and said the whole of one side was gone and he thought it felt warm but it wasn't on fire. He tossed it in the back of the truck and headed out again. The next thing he knew there were flames in the back of the truck. He went across three lanes of traffic, to the emergency lane, got out and pulled the now blazing mattress out on to the pavement.

The fire department was there when I pulled up to find a sodden mass of what was left of cotton batting, a twisted pile of metal coils and two partially consumed cardboard boxes. I did ask if they had ever heard of anything so crazy. One said, "Ma'am, we've heard everything."

I asked what had happened and they couldn't tell me. They posited a few ideas. A cigarette tossed on the road that the mattress landed on. I was amazed at the high level of coincidence that required and didn't buy it at all. Mike doesn't smoke either. The mattress has lain in his apartment about a month waiting to be carted off to the trash. It defied reason.

They shoveled the remains into the back of the truck and we went to dump it. I thought about it and the only thing I can really believe is that when it struck the pavement, the metal inner spring generated sparks that embedded into the cotton batting and were smoldering. He said the whole back of the bedding was gone when he flipped it over but he didn't think anything about it. He tossed it in the truck and took off. At that point, smoldering sparks got a massive dose of air, something fire must have to ignite and burn. The mattress exploded into flames.

Just my guess.

I had told one of the firemen that Mike was just bringing the thing to my house to for the trash pick up. He smiled and said, "Now you don't have to worry about it."

This is a typical day in my life, folks. I swear to you with my hand up.

Sunny Monday, with a Cherry on Top

The day dawned with beautiful sunshine! Birds were chirping like mad. There was a chill in the air I had to turn on the heat for a bit. I had turned off it over the weekend, even had to turn on some air at one point because the house had become chilly as the sun went down. I'm sure it will warm up in a few hours.My shoulder and knees were the only thing troubling me but that shoulder is the biggest problem.

We went to church yesterday, well Mike and I did in the morning. Becca was sick and Dave had to work. But we all went Sunday night. We had a visiting minster, Chris Leach. He's probably in his 30's, so a young man. He's been ministered in our church a couple of times since Jerry died. It is always an extraordinary service. He's a really good preacher and we almost always have a packed house when he's there. I did not get to go on Saturday night but I am glad I went yesterday. If any of you are familiar with prophetic ministers you will know what I mean when I say that he has a prophetic ministry. This means that during a service he goes directly to a person and speaks to them things God had given him specifically for that person and then he prayers whatever prayer is necessary for their life. A couple of weeks ago we had a different minister who also has a ministry similar to this. They usually preach and then turn the last of the service over to a healing ministry. We've had a few others over the years but it is a rare gift they possess. When I was a child you saw it frequently.

I always stand in awe at the move of God during these services. People get healed both spiritually and physically. We usually have a lot of visitors and to watch their faces when told things no one can know is both amusing and a joy. It is as if they suddenly realize that all their troubles are not theirs alone and that God was listening. I've never seen a single person who did not break into tears when these men revealed something to them. The people who are first time visitors have the most powerful reaction because they know no one there!

I said David was able to go last night and to the one a few weeks ago. For David it has been a profound experience. As his mother, there were things he was told that no one knew but Becca and I. We looked at one another and laughed when this man told David to stop worrying about his finances and that he had a dream of opening his own business and God was going to help him. That has never been discussed in our family but David had told me once a long time ago he'd like to have his own business.

Becca and I laughed again when he said, "Stop worrying about your weight. God's going to help you lose weight. It is going to fall off so fast you'll wonder where it went!"

No one knew he was wanting to lose weight but the three of us. David had not been to church in months, maybe a couple of times since his dad died over a year ago. And not to my church most of those times. The minister who visited us a month ago told him God was going to heal the problem with his feet! Dave has flat feet and has always had problems with them hurting. We've never talked about it because, well, his feet have always been flat. It just was. But that night, David had actual sores on his feet. When the minister said this to him, I looked at Becca and said, "What's wrong with David's feet?" She said he had sores on them from standing so much. He's been coming home from work in agony with them. He sits and cries because they hurt so much." I was shocked, first because I didn't know how bad it was and second because there was no way that man could know that. That was last month. He says his feet don't bother him.

I can only say the effect on David has been wonderful. He's hopeful. He's excited again about what God will do for him. He's looking forward to his life. Please do not tell me these are snake oil salesmen. I know better.

Did I get prayer? Yes. Actually, he prayed for me twice. Once yesterday morning. On Sunday morning during a part of the service where everyone was praying, he walked over, put his hand on my head, and just prayed a short simple prayer for me. But last night I was sitting on the pew watching him minister to other people and he pointed to me and said, "Come up here please, I want to pray for you."

You who have read my blog can be the judge. Remember, I've only see this man twice before and never had conversations with him. He comes into the service during the worship phase and leaves the service as soon as he stops preaching. He isn't from my state. This is what he said to me.

"You love God. You cherish God. I'm going to pray for you to get your joy back. God is going to deliver you from" - he paused here and studied me and I wish I could describe his face, what I saw in his eyes but I can't. I don't know what he was seeing but it was painful - "whatever this thing is that has taken your joy. God is telling me that he is going to break the chains that are holding back your joy. This chain comes from something in the past, do you understand that?" I only nodded. "God's going to break this chain and restore the joy of the Lord to you. He drew a wave pattern in the air and said, "You're like a roller coaster. You always have to work so hard to get up there" he pointed to the peak. "but when you come down you come down so fast and you have to climb back up and it is hard for you because your mind opens and it just all floods in on you. But God is going to deliver you tonight and your joy is going to return." Then he prayed for me.

Illumination

Well, I think I've finally found Simon's last name. Simon Lancaster. Not sure but it keeps coming up. So. . . Lancaster it is. As he's apparently British... I suppose it is fitting. I have a peripheral knowledge of the name... something about roses and a 100 years war. {shakes head} I was AMERICAN history. But I did study other history. I suppose this means I have to research it but that always leads to rabbit trails that lead everywhere but the direction I'm going. I will trust my wonderful Brit contacts to give me any interesting or pertinent details. Might make an interesting blog post. The sex in novels did.

I've got several other names as well. Quinn McKinley, Simon's old "friend". Hugh Hamilton, a person involved in the Horus Corporation who is apparently in charge of something important. Incidentally, this Quinn character is trying to talk. Got to shut him up since he's not my focus at this point. But an interesting development. Soon as I said his name he said, "Yes?" LOL.

If there is a female character I think her first name is Madison. That's isn't decided definitely yet but Snowgoon offered it one morning online and it rang a bell. Filed for the moment with no last name.

So, some things coming to light. I'm please to finally get some names! It is very difficult to try and write about someone with no name.

I'm off now. I've got to do some running and then get back to the writing.

Brrrr, Hand Me A Sweater

It wasn't chilly when I went to lunch but as soon as I walked out the wind had a distinct chill to it. The temp show online says 70 but it doesn't feel like 70. And it is, once again gloomy. But I'm thankful for the last week of sun. Maybe this will blow through quickly and sun will return.

I'm at work, about to start on late letters. I would rather be home. I'm supposed to go to the Y tonight but honestly, I'll like a night of nothing... just sitting watching television, reading or writing and not bothering with anything else. I'm a bit tired and my neck is achy. Although, I must say it is still better than it was a week ago. I think the Valtoren may be helping.

The Writers' Asylum meets next Wednesday and I'm up. I have to get busy. I've got 10 pages of my story. I'm not thrilled with it but it could be worse. I've got to get at least 10 more for critique. Amazing how changing the dynamic and momentum of the story has slowed down my progress. But I think I'll be fine. I have a good feeling about it and I realize I've been gaining more confidence about the writing in the last year. Probably due in part to the writing group.

Ok, time for work. Hope your day is brighter and warmer than mine. I will be home later and maybe I'll pop back in.

The Season of PicNic

I watched the sun come up. It looks like the day might be pretty. I hope it does, even though I can't spend the whole day in it. Kathy, from Writers' Asylum, and I are supposed to have a picnic in the park if the weather holds. That will be nice. I like Kathy. She one of those naturally funny people. Everything she says has a twist of humor to it. So it should be a nice visit

I'm on my way to work. Went to the Y last night and came home, my head was no worse but it was no better either. I took a pill. Oddly enough, it made me ill. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I was a little concerned but since there was nothing to do about it and no one here I simply went to bed and hoped nothing would happen. This brand is different from the one I usually got and they look smaller but the dosage is the same. I have had reactions to the medication in the past but very mild. This was not what I'd term mild. Dave had been over for a short while for me to fax something for him but he had just left when I got all weird.

I woke up around 5:30 and took a bathroom trip. I went back to bed and dozed until nearly seven. Now, I'm contemplating breakfast. Probably be my usual of OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's. Actually when fresh that is really delicious - eggs, sausage, peppers and cheese in a flour tortilla. I've been tempted to try to make them homemade. Lot of work though.

Pain in my shoulder this morning. The areas I put the Valtoren on do feel better after a bit. My knee was hurting last night in the pool. That jumping is just not something I can do even in water. My neck doesn't have as much pain. But that trapezoid muscle just hurts constantly and when I put on a bra, it just build up worse and worse. So... not sure what I can do about it. I put the cream on that too but it has no impact on it. Seems to just work on bony areas. I had the script filled yesterday. That stuff, one very large tube, $30. I'm guessing that is the normal price since my copay is usually between $20 and $40.

I'm off now. Grumpy is waiting at the door and he's not a morning person.

Morning

It isn't a good morning. I had some good time to relax physically, more of the weekend passed with unbearable thoughts as I sorted through items I should have left another year. But the den is at least passable now and I can sit at the table and look outside. I had a bad episode last night triggered by trying to remember if I took my meds or not. I took them late and they was afraid I'd already taken them and couldn't remember. This has happened more than once. And yes, I have a pill minder. Have for a while. But I've even taken the morning dose at night so, it doesn't seem to be as useful as I thought it would. Yesterday was just the culmination of a long weekend.

This morning, I don't have a lot of pain but my neck is hurting a bit. Wasn't when I got up I don't think. I put the cream on it. We'll see. Seems to work some but not totally.

Near as I can tell, I am having a migraine probably every day. I think the neck aggravates it. I'm guessing based on the way I've been for the last for or five days. Is a front moving in? Haven't looked but will now. My guess is a low is passing over soon... in hours. Maybe it is just my life that is too stressful. I don't think I slept well either.

Work now.

A Wise Old Bird

Last year I had the most trouble with pigeons (my aunt calls some of them doves). They wanted to roost in my awnings over the front door! Poop was all over the porch and steps and walkway. I hate pigeons and their cousins the doves. They are the nastiest creatures. They live in their own poop and the are continually pooping.

So, I hear owls help. I went an bought one. Here he is on my front steps.

His head will bob and turn in the wind and at the moment I have tilted it up where it is stable so he could get his photo taken. I really like my owl. Although when I first got him, he scared me to death several times when I came around the corner of the house and he was sitting there. I'd forget he was there. I have to move him around ever few days or the pigeons get complacent about him.

Isn't he a handsome fellow?

Resurrection Morning

This is the culmination of the Easter season. Christians celebrate this day in honor of the resurrection of Jesus. He lives. Millions will attend services somewhere today who have not attended church in months or even a year, since last Easter. It is sad really, to give the impression to the world that you have this faith in a risen savior but you can only manage to pay honor to him once a year. Were I a non-Christian I'd have to wonder exactly how much you really believe in that risen Lord.

I'm going to church this morning and this Easter is the second since my husband died.I do not remember last Easter. Still, I no longer view death as I once did. I'm more frightened than I was before I saw the eyes that no longer reflected love for me. And desperately hope for a chance to see them shining when I walk into a room.

For me resurrection has also taken on a new meaning. My husband loved God so much and he would have been so excited to be in church this morning. My guess is he would have had to work this evening. He'd have been so tired because he would have worked last night. But he'd be there. But perhaps, this morning he is somewhere, near the throne, not tired, not sick, happy, standing with the risen Savior celebrating in a style I can't begin to imagine.

I hope. That's the meaning of resurrection.

First Results

I'm checking in to give you the early results of my experiment with the Valtoren on my neck. My neck feels almost normal. There is on spot where it has a slight pain but it could be from sitting in an awkward position for a little while. I've got some food in the oven and will go eat soon so I'll stretch a bit.

The only really painful place is the top of my shoulder, that rotator cuff area. Just a constant pain there.

More results later.

Saturday. . . meh

I woke to gray skies and a distinct chill. I have had the heat off for several days and actually had to turn on the air for one because working in the house got so stuffy! Today, the heat came back on. Don't need much, just enough to get it to 69F degrees in here. It is 55F outside right now and windy. So wind chill will make if feel colder.

I finished paying the bills. I hate paying bills and found a couple I'd forgotten. That makes it frustrating on a budget. I also did two statements for Feb and Mar.because I forgot to do Feb. As I recall there were some difficult days around the time the statement came out and I am not surprised I overlooked it. But I could have sworn. . . but I didn't. So, did two in two days. Not good either.

On that Feb one I was missing several entries in my check book and that always annoys me and scares me. Fortunately, I had put some money back and it was covered with no problem but in the past that was what caused all manner of stress for us. Jerry forgetting to put things in the register. That last six months we were overdrawn every month. I was going crazy with it. I knew then something was wrong but still never saw it right. Not until December did I get it fixed and I will never forget his face when I said, "We're going to be all right. If you will let me take care of it from now on we might even be able to take a nice vacation by the summer." He looked so relieved, as if a great weight was lifted and his face cleared of this. . . terrible expression I had not even noticed. He was dead in a month.

Ok, that's not good. I'm going now. It has been like this all weekend and I just can't do it right now. I've handled stuff that I've avoided handling for a year and it has been just terrible. But it has to be done and there is no one else. And I'm not done. There is still a lot to get sorted.

I'm a bit tired but actually the only thing hurting is my shoulder and a small pain in my neck. I put Valtoren on it last night to see if it helped. I'm putting more on in in a minute. I want to experiment with that. If the arthritis in my neck is the culprit for the pain, I do not know what the solution will be. That can't be fixed. I suddenly occurred to me after Lisa worked on it. I was tons better for two days and then this small pain in the back of my neck began. It was the first time I was not hurting so much I couldn't locate it. So, lab experiment over the weekend. If it is that, I'm guessing a couple of days of that cream may tell me for sure. If it doesn't hurt....

Have a great weekend. I was hoping to dye eggs today but everyone is in bed I guess. Life is short. It is passing by. I'm so glad I did not miss the times with my children growing up.. We got into so much stuff together. Parks, museums, camping, walking, riding bikes, playing games and getting out in the back yard or a playground. Sometimes I'd just take a book and let them play for hours. We took short drives to the country and explored trails and parks together. Just walking and laughing. The boys loved hiking in the woods with us, at least they seemed to do so. I would sit in my den and sew while they played outdoors where I could watch them. I had such good boys and I loved being with them. I guess I miss that too. It all ends somewhere, doesn't it.

Logging off now. Have a great weekend.

Afternoon Break

I've had to sit down and take a break. I put some cream, Valtoren, on my knees because one was really hurting. My doctor gave me samples to see if it helped with the arthritis pain I have. I don't know if it has or not. I've not used it every day, just when I have some pain. I can't really tell.

I also had to stop because I was having a major meltdown. I'm cleaning, as I mentioned somewhere earlier. In my den is a box of things taken from Jerry's drawers after he died. I have not sorted through them but once, a few months after his death. I quickly saw then that it was impossible. But today, I have to get that room cleared. I can't stand it a moment longer. I was going to have help but they never came. I began sorting through it and had to stop when I got dizzy because I hyperventilated. Once past that I tried again. I managed to get through the whole pile, most of which was all those receipts he kept. I didn't bother to see what they were for because I just don't care. But then there was this bag of medications, nearly a dozen bottles, all nearly full. The lables told me what each one was for and that just did me in. I have cleaned up all the stuff I was trashing and put it in the box to dispose of. The medicine I've put back in the bag. I don't feel comfortable putting that much medication in the trash or flushing it into the water supply.

I put all the little keepsakes, like the small knife he carried and a buck knife, and his watches. He had nearly a dozen! Some old and not working but one is nearly new and still running. I don't know what to do with them. The boys will never wear any of them.

I am going to find a keepsake box to put things in for Sarah. I found his baby blanket in a suitcase that Becca had borrowed. I loaned the blanket to her when Sarah was born. Jerry's mother gave it to me when Mike was born. It is all I have really from his childhood aside from two or three photos. They gave him nothing when she died. My sons have no shared keepsakes from his childhood. That is the kind of people his family were, selfish and greedy. He begged for photos of his grandparents and was never given anything. No photos of his parents either. But I do have his blanket and that will be stored for Sarah with her daddy's blanket and his dedication shawl I used for both boys. I had wanted Sarah dedicated with it but it didn't happen. Still she will have it and the memories and photos.

I wish I knew what I am going to do. I am simply moving through days with no meaning at all. I get up, do what has to be done, go to bed. I don't actually think of tomorrow much at all. I think about some things I would like to do but then, I get thoughts that upset me and I put it all out. I think, I'll have to do that alone; Oh, it would have been nice to have Jerry with me; Jerry would have liked to do that too; Jerry won't be able to go with me; Jerry would have laughed at that. It become this looming monster and so I just put the whole thing out of my head. If I'm doing something the enjoyment just evaporates, like cleaning the den so I can sit in there on nice days. I don't care now.

I'm not depressed. LOL, seriously, this isn't depression. This is grief. And it never goes away. You learn to avoid anything that brings emotions to the surface. You learn to not talk about certain things, not look at certain things, not think certain things. You avoid movies, music, books and conversations about certain things. You life becomes circumscribed to a routine of "safe" zones. You can go here but not HERE.

My aunt called me the last couple of days. Her first words one day was, I haven't had a heart attack. {ok, not the best way to start a conversation}. I know why she did it but it didn't help. She has some kind of spell and they sent her to the hospital and they ordered a stress test. She will get the results next Thursday I believe she said. She has asthma and this time of year is very bad for her. She says she's fine. Please pray for her. She's a healthy woman but she is 71 and tends to over do because she's always been healthy. Problem is, I really really really can't contemplate this. I really really really can't think about it. This is one of those place I cannot go.

I'm stopping since this is going nowhere fast. I'll drop by again later. I still have the den to deal with and a pile of paper in my study.

A Friday Like Saturday

It FEELS like Saturday. I have a lot I want to do today but don't know if I will get the help to do it. I'm going to start calling in few minutes to see if Mike will come over. It looks like summer out there today!

Woke up at 8 a.m. and checked to see if moving was a problem. It wasn't. Slight kink in my neck but I moved a pillow and released some strain on it. I had a terrible time with acid reflux last night. Thought I'd be sick for a bit. The OTC meds that have replaced the prescription do not work very good and I can't figure out a way to make it better. I took one prescription every other day and now, with the insurance not covering it, I can't get that dosage. I will have to go back to taking it every day. The pill I can get is half the dose I was taking and only last 12 hrs instead of 24. To buy it OTC will cost me twice as much as as my co-pays.

I think I'd like to go sit outside but it is still a bit cool.I'm going to do my bank statement.. the second one I forgot to do. Get the bills in order and see what's left. Then, if I have enough in my savings, I'm going to find Sarah a swing. I've been planning it for a while so we'll see.

I'm going now. Too much to do. I'll pop in off and on probably. I usually do. Multiply is one of my home pages so it opens when I am online. Have a great day everyone.

Thursday, My Friday

Yes, today is MY Friday. It is a beautiful day and I woke up with virtually no neck pain today. Unless you have this chronic pain in your neck and shoulders, you can't imagine how that feels.That knot in the trapezoid is burning but that's manageable at the moment. If I'm careful, I might get through the next couple of days with minimal pain in my neck.

I am wading through the piles of paper that just keep coming in. The software switch buried all of us in a backlog of paper and my vacation will make this even worse to come back to if I don't get a handle on it. It's very stressful so it doesn't help the pain issues.

Writers' Asylum met last night and we had a fairly productive meeting I think. Kathy, Doug, Cassie and I were there. We read Cassie's paper and gave her lots of feed back that I hope will help her. She's a very sweet girl and I realized watching her last night that she's very eager to participate in the group. She's had a rough week the last two weeks with a breakup and so I think it was good for her to think about something else for an evening. Of course, we all missed Sarah. There was a big gaping hole where she usually sits. And Katie couldn't make it either because of scheduling conflicts. I hope by the next meeting everyone will be back on track. I suggested we do something like Skype so we could include them. LOL, be interesting to try that.

Ok, back to work. I've taken about an hour an a half to work on this during lulls in the chaos. I made a video last night and tried to post it but something was wrong and it didn't want to play. So, I deleted it. I'll try again tonight to post it.