Time Killer

SIX NAMES YOU GO BY

1. Cindy

2. Cynthia

3.Mom

4. Mawmaw

5.Dixie

6. Bitch (close personal friends only...)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW

1. sleeveless cotton knit top
2. leggings

3.glasses

THREE THINGS YOU WANT VERY BADLY AT THE MOMENT

1. to write Simon's story

2. not to feel this constant hollow feeling

3. Jerry to come home

THREE PEOPLE YOU HOPE WILL DO THE MEME

1. Roselyn

2. Jilly

3. Cass

THREE THINGS YOU DID LAST NIGHT

1. had burgers with my kids

2.rocked and kissed Sarah while she slept.

3. watched two television show

THREE PEOPLE YOU LAST TALKED TO ON THE PHONE

1. Mike - son

2.My aunt

3. Becca - daughter-in-law

THREE THINGS YOU ARE GOING TO DO TOMORROW

1. go to work

2. work on packing

3. get Mike to the audiologist

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE DRINKS

1. diet coke

2. iced tea

3. Hot cocoa

THREE THINGS THAT MADE YOU SMILE TODAY

1. The little blond girl in church who is Sarah's age showing me her small red Gideon bible. "It has the all the Word in it."

2. Her little blond brother who always smiles at me with such sparkling eyes. He reminds me of two other little blond boys I knew once.

3. My pastor, he is just such an awesome man with a heart for God.

Sun, Sand and Sarah

I'm sitting beneath that red umbrella listening to the wind chimes I bought and Sarah playing in the sand box. It is a lovely day but a bit chilly for my taste. I had looked forward to short sleeves, sandals and relaxing in the sun. I got the sun. I'm wearing short sleeves. . . beneath a jacket made out of the same stuff sweatsuits are made of. I have on sandals but I had to put hose on to keep my legs warm.

I have been writing a tiny bit. I'm very dissatisfied with it all. I've got off track. We talked about it in the writers' meeting but honestly, I didn't want to hear it. But it is true. I'm not writing the story I set out to write. I have to back track a bit. Maybe do what Doug suggested and write something that can be inserted where the problem starts.... LOL at the beginning?

Dave and Becca have gone to get my lawnmower and I hope they can get it in their trunk. It is a big ole thing. But it didn't cost to get the repair done. I'm glad.I already spent too much on that truck tale. I have to get the yard cut today and then, I won't have to do anything else but finish up in the house.

I hate packing. I don't know what I need to take. I only have one bag and my carry on luggage. I'm going to carry two of those, one for the laptop and one for other items. Both will fit under the seat or in the overhead. I suspect the flight will be booked. After reading all about the problem in Europe with flights being grounded all over, I'm a bit glad this wasn't my trip to England! I want to visit but I don't know what I'd do if I got stranded like that. My poor friends would have an American house guest longer than anticipated. Of course there are several of them. Suppose I could make the rounds like a poor relation. LOL! Me with my luggage wheeling around England because the planes won't fly? OMG....

I started this around 3 this afternoon and Dave got back with my mower. So, we came in and he did yard work for me. I read stories, listened to Sarah tell knock-knock jokes. She's so funny. She laughs at her own jokes! I talked to Becca. My sister stopped by and we talked and watched Sarah. She took Sarah for a walk too. Sarah then took a nap. Mike was over to do laundry all day.

We did go to the restaurant, by the way. I have videos and photos of today's events. They will be posted shortly.

Before they left we had hamburgers. Sarah was sitting on the sofa eating a fry. She looks at me and says, "I had a good time today." We all laughed. She's 3 1/2 for heavens sake!

Which Way From Here?

It has been a very rough week, all things considered. I've been stressed at work, stressed by medical issues, and stressed by my life in general. I had brief breaks of calm in there.

Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.

Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.

Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.

Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.

I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.

I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.

So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.

Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.

I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.

Welcome to My World

I have to relate the events of my Saturday. I was so busy over the weekend that I had not had time to get on and blog about what was going on. You can see from the previous post that Sunday was hectic. Well, Saturday was no less. Monday... don't ask.

Saturday I got up early and did a few things but I had to go get Mike and rent a U-Haul truck to go get Sarah's swing. We picked the truck up around noon, bought her swing and worked the rest of the afternoon putting it up. We have a sandbox with new sand and a swing that still needs it's slide. Becca and I worked until it was too dark to see and said the slide could wait until David was home Tuesday. Sarah was getting tired and irritable and so were we. It is a nice little swing.

I thought I'd have the truck back to U-Haul by that point but I told Mike we'd get that old mattress out of his place and to a dumpster while we had it and then take the truck back. It was nearly 9 pm by then. We put the box the swing came in in the bed of the truck would dump them, too. He went to his house to get the mattress. Becca and I sat around at my house and then I took them home after about 30 minutes. The dumpster was at her place and so I waited there for Mike to bring the truck. It was convenient because the rental place was three blocks from where Becca lives.

I waited. And waited. And waited. I got tic'd. Mike has a habit of joy riding. He loves to drive and doesn't own a car now. He takes the long way around all the time. And he's not a careful driver. My mind was playing lots of games with me. I was exhausted and it was nearly 10 pm. I told her I was going home and when he got there he was to get to my house asap because I was furious with him.

I left and went down Hwy 41, a four lane, since that is the road he'd come to her house on. I figured if I saw him I just turn around and go back. It was an inconvenience to have to make another trip from my house. I had almost reached the crossroad when Becca called to tell me that Mike had called. She said he had a fish tale. Actually, she said he has wonky story about the mattress catching fire in the back of the truck. He was on the Expressway and the fire department was there. She, as well as I, didn't buy it. She gave me the number he called from and hung up saying, "Sounded like a lot of people in the background."

I called and asked for Mike. The woman who answered laughed and said, "Oh yes, we called the fire department from my phone. Hang on."

He said the mattress had caught fire in the truck. There was more but I couldn't make sense of it. I finally asked, "Where are you!?" He told me. It was just a short job from where I was by then. I could see the fire truck from where I was waiting to get on the expressway. I had to go down, and turn around and come back as he was on the opposite side.

Here's the break down. He got the mattress and put it in the back of the truck on top of the box the swing came in. This box, top and bottom were built like coffins... I could have lain down in either and still have room to put my knees up. Then he headed to where I was waiting. But the mattress blew off somewhere on the expressway. When he realized it he had to turn around and go look for it. He said he had to go around twice before he located it near the on ramp. He got there, and said the whole of one side was gone and he thought it felt warm but it wasn't on fire. He tossed it in the back of the truck and headed out again. The next thing he knew there were flames in the back of the truck. He went across three lanes of traffic, to the emergency lane, got out and pulled the now blazing mattress out on to the pavement.

The fire department was there when I pulled up to find a sodden mass of what was left of cotton batting, a twisted pile of metal coils and two partially consumed cardboard boxes. I did ask if they had ever heard of anything so crazy. One said, "Ma'am, we've heard everything."

I asked what had happened and they couldn't tell me. They posited a few ideas. A cigarette tossed on the road that the mattress landed on. I was amazed at the high level of coincidence that required and didn't buy it at all. Mike doesn't smoke either. The mattress has lain in his apartment about a month waiting to be carted off to the trash. It defied reason.

They shoveled the remains into the back of the truck and we went to dump it. I thought about it and the only thing I can really believe is that when it struck the pavement, the metal inner spring generated sparks that embedded into the cotton batting and were smoldering. He said the whole back of the bedding was gone when he flipped it over but he didn't think anything about it. He tossed it in the truck and took off. At that point, smoldering sparks got a massive dose of air, something fire must have to ignite and burn. The mattress exploded into flames.

Just my guess.

I had told one of the firemen that Mike was just bringing the thing to my house to for the trash pick up. He smiled and said, "Now you don't have to worry about it."

This is a typical day in my life, folks. I swear to you with my hand up.

Sunny Monday, with a Cherry on Top

The day dawned with beautiful sunshine! Birds were chirping like mad. There was a chill in the air I had to turn on the heat for a bit. I had turned off it over the weekend, even had to turn on some air at one point because the house had become chilly as the sun went down. I'm sure it will warm up in a few hours.My shoulder and knees were the only thing troubling me but that shoulder is the biggest problem.

We went to church yesterday, well Mike and I did in the morning. Becca was sick and Dave had to work. But we all went Sunday night. We had a visiting minster, Chris Leach. He's probably in his 30's, so a young man. He's been ministered in our church a couple of times since Jerry died. It is always an extraordinary service. He's a really good preacher and we almost always have a packed house when he's there. I did not get to go on Saturday night but I am glad I went yesterday. If any of you are familiar with prophetic ministers you will know what I mean when I say that he has a prophetic ministry. This means that during a service he goes directly to a person and speaks to them things God had given him specifically for that person and then he prayers whatever prayer is necessary for their life. A couple of weeks ago we had a different minister who also has a ministry similar to this. They usually preach and then turn the last of the service over to a healing ministry. We've had a few others over the years but it is a rare gift they possess. When I was a child you saw it frequently.

I always stand in awe at the move of God during these services. People get healed both spiritually and physically. We usually have a lot of visitors and to watch their faces when told things no one can know is both amusing and a joy. It is as if they suddenly realize that all their troubles are not theirs alone and that God was listening. I've never seen a single person who did not break into tears when these men revealed something to them. The people who are first time visitors have the most powerful reaction because they know no one there!

I said David was able to go last night and to the one a few weeks ago. For David it has been a profound experience. As his mother, there were things he was told that no one knew but Becca and I. We looked at one another and laughed when this man told David to stop worrying about his finances and that he had a dream of opening his own business and God was going to help him. That has never been discussed in our family but David had told me once a long time ago he'd like to have his own business.

Becca and I laughed again when he said, "Stop worrying about your weight. God's going to help you lose weight. It is going to fall off so fast you'll wonder where it went!"

No one knew he was wanting to lose weight but the three of us. David had not been to church in months, maybe a couple of times since his dad died over a year ago. And not to my church most of those times. The minister who visited us a month ago told him God was going to heal the problem with his feet! Dave has flat feet and has always had problems with them hurting. We've never talked about it because, well, his feet have always been flat. It just was. But that night, David had actual sores on his feet. When the minister said this to him, I looked at Becca and said, "What's wrong with David's feet?" She said he had sores on them from standing so much. He's been coming home from work in agony with them. He sits and cries because they hurt so much." I was shocked, first because I didn't know how bad it was and second because there was no way that man could know that. That was last month. He says his feet don't bother him.

I can only say the effect on David has been wonderful. He's hopeful. He's excited again about what God will do for him. He's looking forward to his life. Please do not tell me these are snake oil salesmen. I know better.

Did I get prayer? Yes. Actually, he prayed for me twice. Once yesterday morning. On Sunday morning during a part of the service where everyone was praying, he walked over, put his hand on my head, and just prayed a short simple prayer for me. But last night I was sitting on the pew watching him minister to other people and he pointed to me and said, "Come up here please, I want to pray for you."

You who have read my blog can be the judge. Remember, I've only see this man twice before and never had conversations with him. He comes into the service during the worship phase and leaves the service as soon as he stops preaching. He isn't from my state. This is what he said to me.

"You love God. You cherish God. I'm going to pray for you to get your joy back. God is going to deliver you from" - he paused here and studied me and I wish I could describe his face, what I saw in his eyes but I can't. I don't know what he was seeing but it was painful - "whatever this thing is that has taken your joy. God is telling me that he is going to break the chains that are holding back your joy. This chain comes from something in the past, do you understand that?" I only nodded. "God's going to break this chain and restore the joy of the Lord to you. He drew a wave pattern in the air and said, "You're like a roller coaster. You always have to work so hard to get up there" he pointed to the peak. "but when you come down you come down so fast and you have to climb back up and it is hard for you because your mind opens and it just all floods in on you. But God is going to deliver you tonight and your joy is going to return." Then he prayed for me.

Illumination

Well, I think I've finally found Simon's last name. Simon Lancaster. Not sure but it keeps coming up. So. . . Lancaster it is. As he's apparently British... I suppose it is fitting. I have a peripheral knowledge of the name... something about roses and a 100 years war. {shakes head} I was AMERICAN history. But I did study other history. I suppose this means I have to research it but that always leads to rabbit trails that lead everywhere but the direction I'm going. I will trust my wonderful Brit contacts to give me any interesting or pertinent details. Might make an interesting blog post. The sex in novels did.

I've got several other names as well. Quinn McKinley, Simon's old "friend". Hugh Hamilton, a person involved in the Horus Corporation who is apparently in charge of something important. Incidentally, this Quinn character is trying to talk. Got to shut him up since he's not my focus at this point. But an interesting development. Soon as I said his name he said, "Yes?" LOL.

If there is a female character I think her first name is Madison. That's isn't decided definitely yet but Snowgoon offered it one morning online and it rang a bell. Filed for the moment with no last name.

So, some things coming to light. I'm please to finally get some names! It is very difficult to try and write about someone with no name.

I'm off now. I've got to do some running and then get back to the writing.

Brrrr, Hand Me A Sweater

It wasn't chilly when I went to lunch but as soon as I walked out the wind had a distinct chill to it. The temp show online says 70 but it doesn't feel like 70. And it is, once again gloomy. But I'm thankful for the last week of sun. Maybe this will blow through quickly and sun will return.

I'm at work, about to start on late letters. I would rather be home. I'm supposed to go to the Y tonight but honestly, I'll like a night of nothing... just sitting watching television, reading or writing and not bothering with anything else. I'm a bit tired and my neck is achy. Although, I must say it is still better than it was a week ago. I think the Valtoren may be helping.

The Writers' Asylum meets next Wednesday and I'm up. I have to get busy. I've got 10 pages of my story. I'm not thrilled with it but it could be worse. I've got to get at least 10 more for critique. Amazing how changing the dynamic and momentum of the story has slowed down my progress. But I think I'll be fine. I have a good feeling about it and I realize I've been gaining more confidence about the writing in the last year. Probably due in part to the writing group.

Ok, time for work. Hope your day is brighter and warmer than mine. I will be home later and maybe I'll pop back in.

The Season of PicNic

I watched the sun come up. It looks like the day might be pretty. I hope it does, even though I can't spend the whole day in it. Kathy, from Writers' Asylum, and I are supposed to have a picnic in the park if the weather holds. That will be nice. I like Kathy. She one of those naturally funny people. Everything she says has a twist of humor to it. So it should be a nice visit

I'm on my way to work. Went to the Y last night and came home, my head was no worse but it was no better either. I took a pill. Oddly enough, it made me ill. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I was a little concerned but since there was nothing to do about it and no one here I simply went to bed and hoped nothing would happen. This brand is different from the one I usually got and they look smaller but the dosage is the same. I have had reactions to the medication in the past but very mild. This was not what I'd term mild. Dave had been over for a short while for me to fax something for him but he had just left when I got all weird.

I woke up around 5:30 and took a bathroom trip. I went back to bed and dozed until nearly seven. Now, I'm contemplating breakfast. Probably be my usual of OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's. Actually when fresh that is really delicious - eggs, sausage, peppers and cheese in a flour tortilla. I've been tempted to try to make them homemade. Lot of work though.

Pain in my shoulder this morning. The areas I put the Valtoren on do feel better after a bit. My knee was hurting last night in the pool. That jumping is just not something I can do even in water. My neck doesn't have as much pain. But that trapezoid muscle just hurts constantly and when I put on a bra, it just build up worse and worse. So... not sure what I can do about it. I put the cream on that too but it has no impact on it. Seems to just work on bony areas. I had the script filled yesterday. That stuff, one very large tube, $30. I'm guessing that is the normal price since my copay is usually between $20 and $40.

I'm off now. Grumpy is waiting at the door and he's not a morning person.

Morning

It isn't a good morning. I had some good time to relax physically, more of the weekend passed with unbearable thoughts as I sorted through items I should have left another year. But the den is at least passable now and I can sit at the table and look outside. I had a bad episode last night triggered by trying to remember if I took my meds or not. I took them late and they was afraid I'd already taken them and couldn't remember. This has happened more than once. And yes, I have a pill minder. Have for a while. But I've even taken the morning dose at night so, it doesn't seem to be as useful as I thought it would. Yesterday was just the culmination of a long weekend.

This morning, I don't have a lot of pain but my neck is hurting a bit. Wasn't when I got up I don't think. I put the cream on it. We'll see. Seems to work some but not totally.

Near as I can tell, I am having a migraine probably every day. I think the neck aggravates it. I'm guessing based on the way I've been for the last for or five days. Is a front moving in? Haven't looked but will now. My guess is a low is passing over soon... in hours. Maybe it is just my life that is too stressful. I don't think I slept well either.

Work now.

A Wise Old Bird

Last year I had the most trouble with pigeons (my aunt calls some of them doves). They wanted to roost in my awnings over the front door! Poop was all over the porch and steps and walkway. I hate pigeons and their cousins the doves. They are the nastiest creatures. They live in their own poop and the are continually pooping.

So, I hear owls help. I went an bought one. Here he is on my front steps.

His head will bob and turn in the wind and at the moment I have tilted it up where it is stable so he could get his photo taken. I really like my owl. Although when I first got him, he scared me to death several times when I came around the corner of the house and he was sitting there. I'd forget he was there. I have to move him around ever few days or the pigeons get complacent about him.

Isn't he a handsome fellow?

Resurrection Morning

This is the culmination of the Easter season. Christians celebrate this day in honor of the resurrection of Jesus. He lives. Millions will attend services somewhere today who have not attended church in months or even a year, since last Easter. It is sad really, to give the impression to the world that you have this faith in a risen savior but you can only manage to pay honor to him once a year. Were I a non-Christian I'd have to wonder exactly how much you really believe in that risen Lord.

I'm going to church this morning and this Easter is the second since my husband died.I do not remember last Easter. Still, I no longer view death as I once did. I'm more frightened than I was before I saw the eyes that no longer reflected love for me. And desperately hope for a chance to see them shining when I walk into a room.

For me resurrection has also taken on a new meaning. My husband loved God so much and he would have been so excited to be in church this morning. My guess is he would have had to work this evening. He'd have been so tired because he would have worked last night. But he'd be there. But perhaps, this morning he is somewhere, near the throne, not tired, not sick, happy, standing with the risen Savior celebrating in a style I can't begin to imagine.

I hope. That's the meaning of resurrection.

First Results

I'm checking in to give you the early results of my experiment with the Valtoren on my neck. My neck feels almost normal. There is on spot where it has a slight pain but it could be from sitting in an awkward position for a little while. I've got some food in the oven and will go eat soon so I'll stretch a bit.

The only really painful place is the top of my shoulder, that rotator cuff area. Just a constant pain there.

More results later.

Saturday. . . meh

I woke to gray skies and a distinct chill. I have had the heat off for several days and actually had to turn on the air for one because working in the house got so stuffy! Today, the heat came back on. Don't need much, just enough to get it to 69F degrees in here. It is 55F outside right now and windy. So wind chill will make if feel colder.

I finished paying the bills. I hate paying bills and found a couple I'd forgotten. That makes it frustrating on a budget. I also did two statements for Feb and Mar.because I forgot to do Feb. As I recall there were some difficult days around the time the statement came out and I am not surprised I overlooked it. But I could have sworn. . . but I didn't. So, did two in two days. Not good either.

On that Feb one I was missing several entries in my check book and that always annoys me and scares me. Fortunately, I had put some money back and it was covered with no problem but in the past that was what caused all manner of stress for us. Jerry forgetting to put things in the register. That last six months we were overdrawn every month. I was going crazy with it. I knew then something was wrong but still never saw it right. Not until December did I get it fixed and I will never forget his face when I said, "We're going to be all right. If you will let me take care of it from now on we might even be able to take a nice vacation by the summer." He looked so relieved, as if a great weight was lifted and his face cleared of this. . . terrible expression I had not even noticed. He was dead in a month.

Ok, that's not good. I'm going now. It has been like this all weekend and I just can't do it right now. I've handled stuff that I've avoided handling for a year and it has been just terrible. But it has to be done and there is no one else. And I'm not done. There is still a lot to get sorted.

I'm a bit tired but actually the only thing hurting is my shoulder and a small pain in my neck. I put Valtoren on it last night to see if it helped. I'm putting more on in in a minute. I want to experiment with that. If the arthritis in my neck is the culprit for the pain, I do not know what the solution will be. That can't be fixed. I suddenly occurred to me after Lisa worked on it. I was tons better for two days and then this small pain in the back of my neck began. It was the first time I was not hurting so much I couldn't locate it. So, lab experiment over the weekend. If it is that, I'm guessing a couple of days of that cream may tell me for sure. If it doesn't hurt....

Have a great weekend. I was hoping to dye eggs today but everyone is in bed I guess. Life is short. It is passing by. I'm so glad I did not miss the times with my children growing up.. We got into so much stuff together. Parks, museums, camping, walking, riding bikes, playing games and getting out in the back yard or a playground. Sometimes I'd just take a book and let them play for hours. We took short drives to the country and explored trails and parks together. Just walking and laughing. The boys loved hiking in the woods with us, at least they seemed to do so. I would sit in my den and sew while they played outdoors where I could watch them. I had such good boys and I loved being with them. I guess I miss that too. It all ends somewhere, doesn't it.

Logging off now. Have a great weekend.

Afternoon Break

I've had to sit down and take a break. I put some cream, Valtoren, on my knees because one was really hurting. My doctor gave me samples to see if it helped with the arthritis pain I have. I don't know if it has or not. I've not used it every day, just when I have some pain. I can't really tell.

I also had to stop because I was having a major meltdown. I'm cleaning, as I mentioned somewhere earlier. In my den is a box of things taken from Jerry's drawers after he died. I have not sorted through them but once, a few months after his death. I quickly saw then that it was impossible. But today, I have to get that room cleared. I can't stand it a moment longer. I was going to have help but they never came. I began sorting through it and had to stop when I got dizzy because I hyperventilated. Once past that I tried again. I managed to get through the whole pile, most of which was all those receipts he kept. I didn't bother to see what they were for because I just don't care. But then there was this bag of medications, nearly a dozen bottles, all nearly full. The lables told me what each one was for and that just did me in. I have cleaned up all the stuff I was trashing and put it in the box to dispose of. The medicine I've put back in the bag. I don't feel comfortable putting that much medication in the trash or flushing it into the water supply.

I put all the little keepsakes, like the small knife he carried and a buck knife, and his watches. He had nearly a dozen! Some old and not working but one is nearly new and still running. I don't know what to do with them. The boys will never wear any of them.

I am going to find a keepsake box to put things in for Sarah. I found his baby blanket in a suitcase that Becca had borrowed. I loaned the blanket to her when Sarah was born. Jerry's mother gave it to me when Mike was born. It is all I have really from his childhood aside from two or three photos. They gave him nothing when she died. My sons have no shared keepsakes from his childhood. That is the kind of people his family were, selfish and greedy. He begged for photos of his grandparents and was never given anything. No photos of his parents either. But I do have his blanket and that will be stored for Sarah with her daddy's blanket and his dedication shawl I used for both boys. I had wanted Sarah dedicated with it but it didn't happen. Still she will have it and the memories and photos.

I wish I knew what I am going to do. I am simply moving through days with no meaning at all. I get up, do what has to be done, go to bed. I don't actually think of tomorrow much at all. I think about some things I would like to do but then, I get thoughts that upset me and I put it all out. I think, I'll have to do that alone; Oh, it would have been nice to have Jerry with me; Jerry would have liked to do that too; Jerry won't be able to go with me; Jerry would have laughed at that. It become this looming monster and so I just put the whole thing out of my head. If I'm doing something the enjoyment just evaporates, like cleaning the den so I can sit in there on nice days. I don't care now.

I'm not depressed. LOL, seriously, this isn't depression. This is grief. And it never goes away. You learn to avoid anything that brings emotions to the surface. You learn to not talk about certain things, not look at certain things, not think certain things. You avoid movies, music, books and conversations about certain things. You life becomes circumscribed to a routine of "safe" zones. You can go here but not HERE.

My aunt called me the last couple of days. Her first words one day was, I haven't had a heart attack. {ok, not the best way to start a conversation}. I know why she did it but it didn't help. She has some kind of spell and they sent her to the hospital and they ordered a stress test. She will get the results next Thursday I believe she said. She has asthma and this time of year is very bad for her. She says she's fine. Please pray for her. She's a healthy woman but she is 71 and tends to over do because she's always been healthy. Problem is, I really really really can't contemplate this. I really really really can't think about it. This is one of those place I cannot go.

I'm stopping since this is going nowhere fast. I'll drop by again later. I still have the den to deal with and a pile of paper in my study.

A Friday Like Saturday

It FEELS like Saturday. I have a lot I want to do today but don't know if I will get the help to do it. I'm going to start calling in few minutes to see if Mike will come over. It looks like summer out there today!

Woke up at 8 a.m. and checked to see if moving was a problem. It wasn't. Slight kink in my neck but I moved a pillow and released some strain on it. I had a terrible time with acid reflux last night. Thought I'd be sick for a bit. The OTC meds that have replaced the prescription do not work very good and I can't figure out a way to make it better. I took one prescription every other day and now, with the insurance not covering it, I can't get that dosage. I will have to go back to taking it every day. The pill I can get is half the dose I was taking and only last 12 hrs instead of 24. To buy it OTC will cost me twice as much as as my co-pays.

I think I'd like to go sit outside but it is still a bit cool.I'm going to do my bank statement.. the second one I forgot to do. Get the bills in order and see what's left. Then, if I have enough in my savings, I'm going to find Sarah a swing. I've been planning it for a while so we'll see.

I'm going now. Too much to do. I'll pop in off and on probably. I usually do. Multiply is one of my home pages so it opens when I am online. Have a great day everyone.

Thursday, My Friday

Yes, today is MY Friday. It is a beautiful day and I woke up with virtually no neck pain today. Unless you have this chronic pain in your neck and shoulders, you can't imagine how that feels.That knot in the trapezoid is burning but that's manageable at the moment. If I'm careful, I might get through the next couple of days with minimal pain in my neck.

I am wading through the piles of paper that just keep coming in. The software switch buried all of us in a backlog of paper and my vacation will make this even worse to come back to if I don't get a handle on it. It's very stressful so it doesn't help the pain issues.

Writers' Asylum met last night and we had a fairly productive meeting I think. Kathy, Doug, Cassie and I were there. We read Cassie's paper and gave her lots of feed back that I hope will help her. She's a very sweet girl and I realized watching her last night that she's very eager to participate in the group. She's had a rough week the last two weeks with a breakup and so I think it was good for her to think about something else for an evening. Of course, we all missed Sarah. There was a big gaping hole where she usually sits. And Katie couldn't make it either because of scheduling conflicts. I hope by the next meeting everyone will be back on track. I suggested we do something like Skype so we could include them. LOL, be interesting to try that.

Ok, back to work. I've taken about an hour an a half to work on this during lulls in the chaos. I made a video last night and tried to post it but something was wrong and it didn't want to play. So, I deleted it. I'll try again tonight to post it.

A Slow Start

At least it feels like it. I was up early and had very little pain but now my neck is really hurting. If it weren't for that, I could say I feel pretty good. I put Icy Hot on it yesterday and it blistered me! Never has done that before so don't know why it did it now. My co-worker had to take some lotion and put on it to soothe it.

I'm having lunch today with two of my multiply friends- Lisa and Cheryl. They are both coming into town and wanted to meet up. I'm looking forward to that. I don't have a lot of free time during the week so it will be on my lunch hour but that's fine. We're doing a lunch in the park across the street from work and the day looks beautiful. So I think it will be nice to just sit and talk a bit. If we had more time we could go down to the river front and walk but maybe they can get down there and enjoy the afternoon before they leave.

I have writer's meeting tonight but it will be a small number. Sarah has to go out of town. Katie has a scheduling issues, Kathy has sick husband and son. So, be just Doug and Cassie and me. LOL, hope they show up. Be really pathetic to meet with myself! LOL

I hope everyone enjoys a day of sun if you get it. I wish I could spend the day in it. Thankfully, Friday I am off and will be able to have a whole day to myself! I want to do some work in my yard if I can get Mike up early enough to come help. I have to cut the grass and there are some brown spots I want to actually burn off. Not big ones but they are places that had obvious weeds. When I was growing up we used to always burn off the grass in our yard.My grandparents said the ash was a good for the soil and and grass. We always had pretty green grass so it must have been. Later in life I learned that lye is made from wood ash. They also said if you plant a can of lye near a tree it will provide nutrients to the tree. Can't be too close.. I think it was about several yards from the base. So, burning off the grass isn't a bad thing. And I won't burn it all off, just these huge brown spots. I think they show up in one of the Sarah videos a few weeks ago.

I'm gone now. Got to get to work.

Monday Migraine

Woke with a headache. Had it all day. Took med at 2. Just beginning to get some relief in the last couple of hours. Did NOT got to the Y but still exhausted.

Nite.

A Sunday with No Sun

On my way out the door in five minutes. I have to pick up Mike, my sister, and Becca and Sarah all before 9:30 and they live in different parts of the city!

Rain falls but pain this morning. It was terrible yesterday but I think the weather was only a contributing factor. The lack of good sleep on Saturday night was probable sent me over the top. Everything hurt. I could hardly move when I got up and it didn't get much better. Had to clean the house a bit as writer's meeting is Wednesday. Moving loosened things up but did not make it feel better. My shoulders felt as if someone took a hammer to them.

On top of the pain, my depression was pretty bad. Only takes one flashback to tip the scales when I"m in severe enough pain. I suppose I've learned the trigger. Now if I can get the gun... Anyway, very bad day. I cleaned house and then called the kids and asked them all to go to lunch so I could get out of the house and have company for an hour or two. They all came home with me but I wasn't much company actually. I felt horrible. I kept Sarah for Dave and Becca to go to the store and take Mike home and she's good company. Played with her toys while I just sort of lay around.

Finally everyone went home and I went to bed. I posted videos that I'd been wanting to post but had to wait until I could get them from Dave's computer on Friday night. Then, once I got them I couldn't post them until Saturday night! I tried posting them but it took too long. So I waited till last night. They still had problems with them and it frustrated and upset me that I couldn't fix it. I knew I had to convert them to a different format. Took me two hours last night to figure it out. I'd post a couple and they didn't work right. I was in bed when I remembered something and got up to check it. My HP printer program will convert video formats from .mov to .mpg. Worked perfectly and the vids are up. I felt better then.

Ok, time to run.

What's in a Name?

{This was written months ago and I never posted it. Don't know why but here is is now.}

It is important. It matters. It should get careful consideration because the person is stuck with it for a long time. The Bible says God knows the very number of the hairs on our head and that he knew us before we were born. That's another reason to be cautious in picking a name.

When I was naming my son's we talked about a lot of them and my oldest son's name was a compromise. I was very foolish in picking his middle name but I still love the name. It was a character in a book I had read and I was still young enough to be influenced by such things. He hates it. A good sign it was the wrong choice. I don't think he actually likes the name Michael but we did. Maybe he doesn't like himself much and that's sad because he's a great person.

Both of David's names were considered as first names but I tossed it out as a pair and Jerry liked it. I promptly went to sleep and forgot it. We didn't decide on a name that night and I was seven months pregnant! Not until the nurse handed the baby to Jerry did I know what David's name would be. Jerry had liked it so much and had kept it to himself for three months. And we still took another day to decide. But in the end, Jerry named him.

In one of my last posts I had a several comments in regards to Sarah's name. We've had people comment on it many times in the last four years. People always say "Oh, that's a beautiful name" or something similar. We always enjoy watching people's faces when they hear it because for some reason it strikes a chord with them.

There is some interesting information about her name. Before Sarah ever got here her parents began thinking about who she would be, what she would be called. Jerry and I tried to keep our thoughts to ourselves unless we were asked. We remembered how people had bombarded us with family names that we "ought " to use.

But of course, everyone got asked about names. Jerry and I said our children would have their own names, not a relative's and not something so weird they'd be embarrassed. I still have the name book I used to find names.

Michael means "Who is like the Lord?" He was a messenger of God in the Bible. Mike won't give his middle name and for that I'm sorry. But it means a dweller at the court. He's an honest man, serving royalty. David means "Beloved" and was a man after God's own heart in the Bible. His middle name means "helper of mankind". I've always thought they were strong and good names.

Personally, their names reflect our feelings of how we viewed God and the kind of men we hoped they would become. That's why a name is important. We've always told them this, so they would know how important their names are to us and to them.

I told my daughter-in-law this as well, in hopes she'd approached the name search with care. Parents can be a bit silly in name choosing, as I may have been with Mike. And I must say she took a lot of time, looking up and trying out a lot of names. Some I liked and some I didn't but ultimately, it was their choice.

We spent a lot of time looking up all her choices in several sources. Becca and I are close and she likes talking to me so she included me in the process.

Most of the sources we used said that Sarah meant "Princess" and we knew her position in the Bible. Becca was trying to use a Biblical first name, perhaps to keep a family tradition. Her family has few of those and she's trying to make her own traditions for her family.

The importance of a name was brought home to me when Sarah's full name, Sarah Cheyenne was found. It has a unique story behind it that I hope will someday tell her how special names are for all of us. And how special her's became to everyone of her relatives. I learned later that Jerry secretly told Becca he really liked the name Sarah.

Becca was looking for names. We knew we needed a girl's name. She gathered lists of names from everywhere. I think she was about halfway into her pregnancy when she asked me if I had any names I had liked. I told her the ones we had picked out if the boys had been girls. Then, I told her when I was a teenager there was a name I had just loved and said it was Cheyenne. She said her mom had said the same thing, that when she was a teenager there had been a name she loved but that she not been able to remember it.

So, right then she got on the phone and called her mom to see if she had remembered the name she had liked. She said, "Mom, have you remembered the name you liked when you were a teenager.I was watching her and her face went all funny and she said, "You're kidding! That's the same name David's mom just gave me!" Becca and I sort of just stared at one another and she laughed and said, "Well, I guess it is Cheyenne." I was pretty stunned and said, "Oh my God!"

Needless to say, "out of the the mouths of two or three witnesses every word shall be established!" You can't get more Biblical than that. Cheyenne was ordained.

Sarah was a bit more difficult. I don't know if Becca really took to it at first but for some reason, it seemed to fit and flow and that was the name that she was given. Becca told me latter that Jerry had taken her aside and told her he liked the name Sarah. That's another memory for her. Once the two were brought together, they just seemed right. Once heard, everyone loved Sarah and we liked the fact that it was a Biblical name, a family tradition carried on.

We were curious to know about Cheyenne, aside from the fact it was a well known Indian tribe and a favorite name of both grandmothers. Knowing what a name means is so important. Remember, they're stuck with it. And pretty or not we wanted to give her something with meaning. If the meanings didn't feel right, Becca would have to start over. And we'd already listened to dozens of names.

Four years ago, there was very little on the name that we could find. We had a hard time finding anything. Lineage is obscure at best. However, after more research and we discovered another very interesting translation in one source. "People of an unknown tongue." Anyone who knows my religious background will know the impact this had on us. For us at least, Sarah Cheyenne could not have been named anything else.

As I wrote this today, I looked again for sources and Cheyenne is all over the place now. Once source says this, "One of the most common etymologies for Cheyenne is "a bit like the [people of an] alien speech" So, not much different in one regard.

Another site by a Native American did not advocate giving Indian names to white children. They say that the meanings are virtually never what white's think and are usually not flattering. As I said, research is necessary in picking a name!

OUR story of Cheyenne in our family has made it much more than the name of a native American tribe and a language that has only about 1200 speakers today. That's not why we picked it. It is more than a city in Wyoming. And it is more than what it means. It was a connection made before she was born. Her name was known before she ever arrived. There is no way to improve on that.

What's in a name? History, tradition, faith, and identity. Family.

Housekeeping

Had to fix the blog background. The other was just too hard to read. I kept trying to get a background that worked but only one, the summer wood theme, did and one gets tired of it. So, I've gone back to a melon based theme. Works well and easy to read. I'll be changing the pictures before long. I like changing it up but it takes a lot of time to make some of them work the way I want it to so I've started changing it less.

I am exhausted and I've been hurting all over for most of the week. It has rained for a couple of days and I believe the weather (low pressure systems) has made me worse. I've been going home and going to bed. Mostly reading and a little writing.

After months of planning and character development, Simon put his foot down and I've started writing his story... from the beginning, which I am quite pleased with. . . so far, and it is going fairly well... if I don't get discouraged. I'd like to do a couple of chapters a week and have the writing group critique them. There are some holes I have to fill but I decided I wasn't going to get it done if I didn't do it.

I have spent most evenings doing nothing but lying in bed watching old television shows, reading some, and listening to music. I haven't chatted much with anyone. Not much blogging. Some video blogging but even that has been too much. For two weeks now I've just been exhausted.

The severe depression seems to be under control. I'm taking the St. John's Wort morning and night. I am having "moments" now instead of hours of depression and sadness. Still can't shut off the images but as a writer, that would be a sort of suicide if I couldn't visualize. The mind is a bit controlling in that area. Thinks what it pleases, like it or not. I've already has experience with not dreaming and that didn't work well. Now, I am having dreams again and fairly regularly. Don't remember them well but that's fine, too.

Dave and Becca brought Sarah over the other night and she was a lot of fun. I took photos of her and will post those. I was going to try and get her tonight but don't know if that is still on or not.

Writers' Asylum meets on Wednesday evening. I'm going to be glad of that. I don't like this three weeks between meetings! Really difficult to get by without the other inmates and their version of insanity. Sarah and Kathy are off in the wide world somewhere. A missive comes through here and there. Katie is busy, busy, busy. Doug is silent. Cassie has sent her work for critique and it is rather good. I haven't finished it but . . . well . . . it would appear that she can write.

I'm going to get to work now. I'm so tired but there are piles growing so I have to get busy. Hope to catch you all later.

Social Media: Be Careful What You Share on Twitter, Facebook - ABC News

Link
I watched this on the news this morning and since I use Multiply, Blogger, and Facebook I thought it would be a good idea to share it.

Because of this story, I'm locking down tighter now on several fronts. I do put a lot out there on the blog... not usually so much people could find me but ultimately, if you know where to look, and you know my name, you can find me. I don't like that about Facebook. You have to use your name. And with a name... well, I can find you if I know your name. That's my job. Google Earth will give me directions to your home if I have the address. I can get the address in a lot of places. You are on a thousand lists.

So, if you have my name and address, I probably gave it to you and I'm fine with it but if you don't, well, it's going to get harder now. My life is much more uncomfortable since Jerry died and I don't want to add to the fears and woes. This frightened me.

Please read and watch the story. And close up the holes!

As I was writing this, I realized that Jilly and I gave lovely tours to our homes! It was fun! But maybe I wasn't being very bright to suggest it? Well, we can't undo it but some things I may now show only to contacts. LOL, course I'm sure neither of us has tons of stuff that is of great value but it's our stuff. And it makes you think.

So, caution my friends. Turn off the GPS in your phones and cars. Don't put your every move out there. No times, dates, appointments, addresses, locations. Close your calendar to all but yourself. Remember, if a family member can see it, so can their friends, particularly on FB. It is the one place I think Multiply is a bit ahead. No just anyone can get into your information. Only those you allow.

I don't use Twitter and I've got FB locked down pretty tight but there was some really good advice in this story.

Take care.

Sarah Cheyenne Serves Smiles

Tuesday ... Just Tuesday

Only have minutes to do this so I'll dash off what I can. I went to the Y last night. Got home around 8:30 or 9 and watch a couple t.v. shows...while half asleep. I tried to write, do some research on the story I am working on, tried to read email, tried to read. Brain just gave up and left me there confused. After the last show, I decided to turn out the light.

I still have to turn on some sort of noise because when the lights go out my personal theater turns on and all the horrible past rushes at me in force. I do not know if I will ever be free of it. I have the problem during waking hours but I try and keep my mind busy with very little down time. Probably why I'm exhausted most of the time. But the night, I can't control. So, I fill them with some kind of sound. This week it is classical guitar music and turned very low. It works well. I've used Spanish, classical piano, and classical orchestra. All seem to work well.

I woke this morning when the clock went off but just lay in bed for another ten minutes. I've had coffee and now I'm going to dash off because I want to stop at McDonald's to get breakfast. I don't have time to fix it here this morning. I have to get some more breakfast food too. I'm tired of the same old stuff here and sugary foods in the a.m. bother me. Truth is, if I'd get up another 20 minutes earlier I could fix a good breakfast. I've done it. Maybe when I start waking up again I will. LOL

I'm hoping for sun today. My back hurts this morning but now sure if I slept wrong or did something at the Y. Could be both.

Hope everyone of you has a beautiful sunny day. Send some my way.

(Picking up my bags, I grab the nearest dwarf. "Come along, Dopey. They'll leave us if we don't get moving. It's a long way to the mines and I'm not up to the walk this morning. HEY! Grumpy, get the lead out!")

Another Grey Monday

I'm about to head out for the mines. It is gloomy and raining... still. I slept for hours yesterday after church. I woke just in time to get dressed and go back for the evening service. I slept hard. When I woke up it took several minutes to get to the point I could actually function. My brain was just a fog. I must have been really tired.

I had taken my meds before I left and they kicked in about the middle of church. It got very warm in the sanctuary and I got sleepy. But still, when I got home last night I was concerned I'd not be able to get back to sleep because I'd had that hard nap. No problem. I chatted with Kat a bit and went to bed. For a minute I lay looking at the ceiling and realized the problem was the silence. It never used to bother me much but it drives me insane now. I hear other things, see other things lying in the dark in the silence. I turned on the cd player and after a few minutes I was out. But this morning I'm still tired.

Well, no rest for the weary so it is off to work I go. I have the Y tonight and I have to get some serious writing in. Time Simon got down to business in his real story.He's talking again and that's good. Before I went to sleep I heard a bit of it. LOL.

Later!

{dashes out, grabbing bags} "WAIT, DOC!"

Sunday Morning with a Laughs

Oh boy, I needed this. My dad sent it in an email. Anyone who's ever has surgery will really enjoy it. LOL and some of these guys are easy on the eyes!




And my favorite song is......

Friday Fun

Finally Friday! The sun is shinning but I'm stuck beneath the tower and won't actually see much until noon. I hope it stick around until I get off work.

I was randomly cruising and ran across something cool. Watch this video. I don't know why we can't have stairs like this everywhere!

Gold In the Trees

Sunshine!?? Yes, it is! Amazing.

I have a headache. Had an odd one yesterday and today, another that is probably a migraine. My BP was up when I got up, I'm sure. I'll take it again before I leave. I have an appt with the doctor this afternoon so I'll mention this to him. I do not think the meds they give me work really well at times. But when pain is higher, so is the BP so I don't know if it would make a difference.

The dwarfs are calling! COMING! Keep your shirts one!
{grabbing bags, jacket and dashing off}

Hi ho, Hi ho
It's off to work we go
(whistles)
Hi ho, Hi ho, Hi ho............................................

Buy Buy American Pie

Got this in my email. LOVE IT!

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

I've just read all the comments to several posts. You are all so funny at times. I've provided humor and that's comforting.And you made me laugh, particularly Jilly and Cass! Must put on my list to ship Reese Cups to England. Every civilized nation should have them! And Cass, I can send a nice hairpiece if you need it. You know, I've known so many people who had curly hair after chemotherapy! But all their hair came out. Sounds as if you just had a tonsure thing going on.

Several of you mentioned my dream/sleep issues. Actually, I DO have a sleep disorder. Have for about two decades. Treated for it. Disrupted sleep patterns caused by a child who never slept. I got would clench my teeth at night and resulted in TMJ. Had to sleep with a splint for a couple of years. When I had some dental work done a few years ago much of that problem disappeared. I don't clench much anymore.

But NOT dreaming would be a bigger concern in a sleep disorder. If you aren't dreaming, you are not getting the right kind of sleep. Dreaming is actually good for you as it allows the mind to decompress from stresses. This may often manifest as nightmares.

When I do dream I always have vivid dreams... in color. Or at least I remember colors when I wake up. I used to dream long elaborate dreams that I tried writing down whenever possible. With the increase in my pain problems, there was a marked decrease in restful sleep and dreaming virtually stopped. Or I didn't remember them at all. It was more likely the former since I was not getting REM sleep, which is where dreams happen.

I used do something at times... well, when I dreamed . . . called lucid dreaming. Didn't know that is what it was called for years. My dad told me about it. You basically know in the dream that you are dreaming and can control the dream. Years ago he told me he likes to skydive and so if he dreams about falling, he changes it to skydiving! I tired it a few times in a different kind of dream and it worked. It isn't easy to do. Not sure I could do it again. Been years since I tried. You have to have a cue when you dream to signal that you're dreaming. There are articles on it out there if you're interested.

Since October of 2008 I started dreaming again after a cervical block in my neck helped my pain... gradually building up to my old pattern of elaborate dreams... in color. In the last several months the dreams have been frequent... and I like that. It was always normal for me. But last night's was a doozy. If you think about it there wasn't a whole lot in what I said to sound frightening. However, the view from the plane, which I didn't describe, was a country devastated by war or something. I knew we were at risk of being shot down. The feeling of something important happening was clear.

I suspect the nightmares are simply a result of the stress I'm under in my personal life and at my job. I do have dreams that are neither scary or interesting. They are usually nonsense. However, I'm am also firm believer in prophetic dreams and that dreams often have an interpretation. And, as I've mentioned before, I used to have dreams that happen fairly often. I'd just as soon not.

So, I doubt a sleep study will tell me anymore than I know now... I don't generally sleep well due to pain but when I do sleep well, I dream -- a good sign to me. Even nightmares serve a purpose.


Have a good night, everyone!

But it won't tell me what the dreams mean... unless it is beans. And I can usually figure that one out.

It is bed time now. I went to the Y tonight for the hydrobics class. It is always good but exhausting. Sarah and Becca went. We almost couldn't get Sarah out of the water. She loves it. But her lips were purple and she was shivering.

My writing friends, Sarah and Kathy, showed up and stopped to say hello. So sweet of them. I am so blessed to have good friends who take time to just stop say hi. I was wet from playing with my Sarah but friend Sarah braved a hug anyway. They were on their way to workout.

We don't have writer's meeting until the end of the month. I miss them all and wish it was sooner. They all make me laugh and I seem to need vast quantities of that.

I'm tired now. I know there was more I wanted to write. Can't think of it. Yawning all over the place.

Am I Sleeping

It's Monday. Again. I suppose I should be grateful for the "again" but it is never a good Monday. I got up ok. Dressed ok. Did my hair ok. And that's about it. Cried for 15 minutes before I made myself get out of the house.

I had nightmares last night. But it is at the point I can't tell if I'm sleeping or awake where nightmares are concerned. When I think of the years, literally years, when I could not, did not dream, prayed to dream it is frustrating to now be having vivid dreams. Of course, that means I'm sleeping in REM, the best sleep. But it isn't the best if you wake in the middle of the night to see where you are and what's after you.

I say it was a nightmare. I don't know. It "felt" like one. I was with these people and there was something going on in the country so that we had to stay out of sight. We had to go somewhere and someone got a plane for us. They told us we couldn't fly above 200 feet to avoid being seen. (I know, anyone on the ground could see us at that height). I don't know what it means, I just was along for the ride. We landed at this airfield in the middle of nowhere. I remember thinking "that thing is visible from the air and anyone looking for people trying to hide will see it." Someone said or I thought "We hide it after we land." {shrug} No idea.

Anyway, we got off this plane and I was with some man. I have never seen him before. Remember in dreams you are one place and then you are somewhere else... no scenery in between. Now, we were in this town or village, walking behind the buildings, in an alley large enough to drive a car through. The fenced back yards of house were on either side and bushes, hedges and weeds grew up along the fences and edges of the yards. We went into a building from the back and I could hear music and laughter. It was the kitchen and it was filled with these people working. I want to say they were all dressed in red pants and yellow shirts.

Things get a bit chaotic here. This man, with me following, stepped into this hallway and we looked around a corner. A young boy or small man was about to go on this stage. The man I was with grabbed him and ran, yelling for me to follow. I looked and a huge man was lunging at me. I ran. I could hear that big man behind me, knocking things down, shoving all those people in the kitchen. I just ran, following the man. In the alley we ran hard and then we darted through an opening in a hedge and ran around into a yard with a hedge so thick you could hardly see through it. The three of us squatted and watched the big man run laboriously by in pursuit of us.

I woke up.

I hate chase dreams, particularly when I'm being chased. I don't know who these people are or what I'm doing. I have no idea what it means.

And I'm tired.

Any Josephs around?

And That's the Way We Wash. . .

I tried to post around noon today but Multiply went down in the process. I had to copy it and save it until it came back up... a short while ago. I hate it when they do that unannounced... or did they?

So written before noon this morning --
Laundry day for me. I've been washing clothes for the last few hours, putting away clean laundry, picking up debris that accumulates throughout the week, washing dishes, and cleaning sinks. I cleaned off the top of the dryer. If you're one of those lucky people who have a nice laundry room... goody. Mine is a virtual closet off the kitchen and just big enough to turn around in. The top of the washer and dryer become shelving. And soap, softener, and stain removers end up spilled on top of the dryer. Fortunately, they clean up fairly well. I've got to get some Contact paper to cover it again. Rust spots are forming. Oh well, it still works. . . for the moment.

I've also been running scans on the laptop... it is running kind of sluggish. I loaded something last night and I think that was the culprit. I've since uninstalled it and sure enough, lots of adware was found during one of my scans. I'll do other things but at the moment a virus scan is in progress and it is taking forever because it is a deep scan.

It took about 4 hours to physically get out of bed. I was awake at 5:30 and since the sun wasn't going to come up I figured no point in getting out of bed. I turned on the laptop... that's when I found it sluggish, and did a video blog that is just the pits so don't go watch it. My last several blogs have been bad. I'm considering closing these mental tortures. It just depresses everyone and I really don't want to do that. People will stop coming if all I do is moan and groan all the time. So closing it is a sensible option. I'll think about it a few days. It will mean it won't post to Blogger or Facebook.

It is amazing that the phone has not rung but one time this morning. My aunt called. I'm sure she was worried. We chatted a bit but I don't think we were good company for one another. She was upset about other things and I wasn't much help to her either.

My writing friend, Sarah, was online for a bit this morning and chatted with me. She's a lovely person to have around. Her compassion and concern is so sincere. She never lets your rotten mood get her down and spends a great deal of effort to pull you up to her level, which is very high, by the way. You can get a head rush from it. She's probably the most positive person I know. Probably good for her to poke me once in awhile to see if I'm still breathing.

Mike hasn't called but he's asleep, no doubt. We have to go to the store for him today. I do not wish to go out. If he wasn't such a terrible driver, I'd let him take my car.

I think I am hungry but nothing sounds good. I looked in the cabinets and it is all pretty basic. I never liked frozen or canned foods. I always cooked from scratch until I went to work. Then, Jerry had to share the load of cooking and could only cook from a box. I did teach him a few things, like pan fried pork chops. No grease, just season salt, rosemary and plop them in the pan and cook until they are done. Wonderful with mac & cheese as a side or mashed potatoes. You can make a gravy with the drippings. I have a chili rice dinner I always made too that was really good. They all loved it and it was a one pan meal. {sigh} No reason to cook like that now.

I'm so tried but a nap just means no sleep tonight. I'll go sit and stare at the clock. Ever notice how the minute hand has this little hesitation before each second it ticked off, as if it wants to prolong each second and reluctantly moves to the next? It does. Oh a few expensive watches have a smooth moving second hand, sweep second they call it, but the average wall clock has a small hesitation and so do a lot of watches. Believe me, I know this.

That was where the system went down. So, to pick up where I left off....

I did go shopping with Mike around 2 p.m. and got home around 5 p.m.. I despise shopping. I'm so tired tonight I can't see straight. I'm on my way to the shower and bed. I do not remember being as tired as I am tonight. I'm sure I must have been at some point in the past. I've done nothing since I got home. . . oh, well, I don't think I have. Honestly, I do not remember what I've been doing. I did go out and change the filter on the central unit. Good thing. The screws were lost. Dave told me that last time he changed it for me but he said it was closed fine. Actually, it wasn't sealed well. I had to come back in and dig around for screws and prayed to find three. I picked three identical screws from a box of hundreds of mixed screws. Thankfully, they fit perfectly and the panel is now closed tightly.

I've read stuff online but do not remember what. Uhmmm.... I think that is all. Oh... cleaned the toilet after buying a new toilet brush... a really good one actually.

Done. Shower and bed. I hope to sleep and not way before dawn... if it dawns.

End of Another Week

Not an auspicious beginning to the weekend. Gray, gray, gray, wet, wet, wet cotton batting was rolled across the skies last night and settled heavily today. Based on the maps, it won't be gone until another work week starts. And once it comes out, I'll see no sun except possibly through a window. By next weekend there will be more rain and more clouds.

I've had a headache for two days. Finally took an Imitrex around the middle of the morning and it cleared up sometime this afternoon. Came home, stopping by the pharmacy to pick up some scripts that were waiting, and promptly went into a depressed state where I sat and cried and talked to no one and the house resonated with no response.

At 6:30 I remembered to take my medicines and after about an hour I was upright again. A hot shower made me long for a vat of hot water but it was better than nothing. I opened some canned beef stew that wasn't really any good. I made hot cocoa and toaster strudel and promptly burnt the roof of my mouth.

I'm going to bed I think. No use sitting up. It isn't going to be a very useful weekend anyway. I'd like to sleep but even that seems to be something I'm denied. I'll feel lucky to get 5 hours.

I've asked myself over and over what anything means. We spend lifetimes accumulating things - house, cars, possessions, families and photographs of it all. And at the end of the day, when it is all gone, it means absolutely nothing to anyone else.

I sat on the edge of my bed and looked around at this box I live in. A treasure chest filled with my life. A coffin of sorts, I guess. I noticed some pictures on the wall in front of me. I bought them when Michael was about Sarah's age or maybe a bit younger.He's 30 now and she's 3 1/2. We lived in Fayetteville, N. Carolina. I remembered how much I liked them and still do. The scenes look like old English villages painted on foil. I've taken such good care of them because I just loved them. They've traveled thousands of miles safely wrapped to prevent the glass breaking. At one time, they gave me pleasure to look at them. I doubt anyone else will ever care for them at all.

The place is filled with such stuff, things I thought were of value, meant something, would someday mean something to others. And I realized that they're pretty much meaningless. I tried to remember exactly why they meant so much to me. But I can't.

As I sat on the couch earlier and talked to no one, I could hear the clock on the wall. Everyone who comes here says it has the loudest ticking sound they've ever heard. It is just a five dollar wall clock you can get virtually anywhere. But it is loud. I hear it all the time. For some reason it ticks louder at night, as if it wants to remind you that while you sleep time doesn't. It is my virtual hourglass. Rather than watch the sand slip silently through the slot, I listen to the tick, tick, tick of time passing. Like things, it is pretty meaningless. I have very little sense of time at all, in fact. I forget things. So, I don't much tell time. What could I tell it? Unlike sand the in the hourglass, I can't turn it over and start again.

Early Morning

Woke up at 4:30... no, I did not get up. I was hurting ALL over. I think the front was passing through. I went back to sleep. Woke at 5:45. I got up after I lay there for a few minutes trying to find a place on my body that was not screaming at me. I got up and dressed. Took about an hour for the worst of it to pass off. Now I have general pain... pretty much everywhere but I can walk.

My aunt read my blog and thought I had a car accident. She called to fuss because I had not called her. I did NOT have an accident. Only a near miss. Some of you have suggested medicine as a factor. I've been taking the same medications for years. It isn't medicine. I only started this since Jerry died, not before. My mind isn't working well a lot of the time. Very hard to concentrate at times. I think something in all of this has just been too much. I don't know when or even if it will correct itself. Maybe if I could retire to a nice quiet little town and write and sit in the sun all day, I might get better.

The day has been total chaos... so what else is new? I have not been able to do the work I need to do because my "other duties" have taken priority. I'm so tired of this. I get behind and get stressed because of this.

I'm going home and going to bed unless I can sit in the sun for just a little while. That'd be so nice.....

Off to a Bad Start

It isn't a very good day today. I kept waking up during the night as if something was wrong. Can't put my finger on it. Woke up very stressed and felt as if something was wrong. I didn't want to leave the house.

A block from work, I ran a red light and nearly got hit. I was sitting AT the red light and just drove off. I have no idea why or what I was thinking. The light sort of just disappeared and I didn't know anything until a car coming at me blew its horn. Even then I was through the intersection when the horn registered and I looked in my rear view mirror before I realized what I'd done. I am getting nervous about driving because this has become common place with me. That was never the case before and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know why I'm doing it! I am just glad I prayed before I left home.

Mike is not answering his phone, which isn't terribly unusual as he never goes to bed until the small hours of the morning but today, I really need him to answer the phone. He had another headache last night and had nothing to take. I think he is taking too much of the headache medicine. I don't know why he's having the headache so much. I couldn't get up and go out for headache medicine and he has no money or he could have gone down to the pharmacy a few blocks from his house. At any rate, my mental state this morning is not good and it worries me that he isn't answering his phone. Probably needless worry. And I don't relish climbing the stairs to his apartment. They are very high and my knees are killing me this week. And since he is deaf he may not hear me pounding on the door. He doesn't hear the phone ringing.

I'm going now. I have been working on this since before work started. I don't know what else I can do to sort all of this out.

Another Day in the Mines

Seems like it anyway. Heavy overcast. Storms moving in. Not much different from a mine where it is dark and gloomy and there is always a threat of something falling on your head. I'm sitting here at my desk looking at all the stuff I have to shovel. I don't want to.

Went to the Y last night. It was fine. Well, for the most part. Do you know it is very hard to carry on a conversation with someone standing stark naked in front of you? Really. I'm getting things out of my locker to go home and a young woman turns around and starts telling me about her workout. ormally, I'd stand around and chat but she's standing there without a stitch on. I don't know her at ALL - never saw her before and I'm seeing WAY too much of her. She begins by telling me She hasn't worked out in three years. I'd say longer. She said she had just spent an hour and 45 minutes working out. I'm thinking she'll feel that tomorrow.

When I told my friend Carolyn about it, she said "And you're standing there thinking, 'Are you embarrassed? Because I sure am!'" Oh, and I'm sorry but some people should be more ashamed of being naked than others. I wanted to say, "Honey, cover that up!"

No way would I appear in front of all those women like that. I take my suit off behind the curtain in the shower, shower and wash my hair, wrap up in my huge towel, get my gear and head for a toilet stall, where I dress. Then I dry my hair and go home.

Ok, now that I've made your hair stand on end, get up and get a brush. I gotta get my shovel.

Off to Work

Monday.

Mild pain in neck.

Work.

Y tonight.

Bed by 10... I hope.

Need I say more?

What A Little Sun Can Do

The sun is blinding today. I know they expect it to be short lived. I will be glad for longs days of sun. I may actually go stand in it for a short time if it is still around after church!

I'm on my way to church. I have to stop and pick up Mike. Then, I'm picking up Becca and Sarah. Dave is working this morning. I'm glad they are going with me. It is always better when they do. I don't feel so adrift. I know that sounds crazy. I can't help that. I hate sitting there staring at empty spaces and expecting a tall form to be there.



Cruise in 48 days! That is what it says on top of the Carnival page. I think I'll get plenty of sun then.

I'm out now. I don't know when I'll get back home this afternoon. We usually have lunch and then take a short nap before church. Hope you all have a great day.

Pray for Kat

Kat's mother passed away today. She and her daughter drove down to Texas yesterday and was able to spend time with her mom this morning. She said she was lucid and I am glad that she was able to have last week and today with her mother. They were able to talk and laugh together before she died.

Keep them in your prayers. It is a hard road to walk and they will need them. At the moment she says she is fine but I have no doubt it gets more difficult as the days pass.

A Friday with Sun

Nice. Sun is already gilding the ground outside the window. I'm always glad of a sunny day but I do so, with fingers and toes crossed, that tomorrow is even sunnier.

I picked up my ring yesterday after I had it repaired. I was so happy to get it back. I have to stop wearing it where it will get damaged. I've put it back on my right hand but I don't think it matters. It just has such a high profile that it gets hung on stuff when I'm working. I really want to wear it though and will have to be very careful what I do.

I had a meeting with the counselor at 5 last night. Dan and I basically just chatted. He too, says I'm funny. {shakes head} I guess I must be. Enough people keep saying it. I don't imagine I'll be going back. We both sort of felt it. He told me to come back anytime I thought I needed to and he'd be glad to see me. I told him that I didn't think there was anything he could really do for me. He can't fix this and neither can I. He nodded and said, "Remember I told you 18 months to two years to recover. You only have a year under your belt."

On my way out he said, "I don't know how your husband kept up with you! You're mind just goes so fast I have a hard time keeping up at times." He said he had to really concentrate at times to keep up with me. I told he had to stay awake. Then, I laughed and told him I didn't know if I'd just been insulted or complimented. He told me it was a compliment and he enjoyed talking to me. I gave him a hug and said good-by.

I got home around 6:30 and got my shower, decided on a sandwich for supper since Carolyn and I had Chinese for lunch when I picked up my ring. The jewelry store was almost right next door to the restaurant. I had a couple of phone calls but I was in bed by 7:30 and read until close to 9 when I could no longer stay awake. Lights out. Slept like a rock, but I had a rough night. I had a nightmare and woke up around 11:30 and made a potty trip... I think.... {shakes head} not sure about the potty. Woke up again around 3 a.m. and again at 6:30 but I didn't get up until 7. For a bit I still felt exhausted and wanted to go back to bed but another day at the mines looms. I hope it passes quickly.

I'm supposed to spend the night with Sarah tonight. When I get off I'll get my stuff and go over there. I don't know how well it will go. I don't sleep well at lot of times and not sure how an air mattress will do me. We'll see. I may have to come home.

I"m on my way to work now. I have to stop and get breakfast but that's fine. I didn't open the computer last night when I went to bed but read instead. I did check mail when I got online but quickly got off when I was done.

Oh, Kat left to go back to Texas yesterday about her mother. Her daughter was going as well. I could tell she was concerned on Wednesday night. She sent me a text message at work yesterday that her mom was struggling. Keep her in your prayers.

Writers's Asylum Meeting Success

We had Writers' Asylum meeting tonight. It is always such fun to have them over. And we hammered out a slogan.. courtesy of the Snowgoon, aka Goon. ( Actually he said it and the inmates all howled approval.)

Here is the new slogan for the Writers' Asylum Writing Group: "You don't have to be crazy, you just have to be committed."

Kathy is working on the logo. Looks really cool so far.

We critiqued Katie tonight, offering her lots of feedback and suggestions that I think will really help her in her writing. She has a good start to a story. One suggestion we really think is a good idea for anyone wanting to write, take your favorite book and critique it. Look at all aspects of it. Take it apart and study the structure, the techniques used and how the writer kept the story moving.

We finished just a bit later than usual. They sat around and listened to me for half an hour. Now that's friends for you. There is just a warmth and security you can't get anywhere else but in the presence of people who you know really care about you. I always say this but it can't be said enough. I love you gals.... and Goon.

I immediately got my shower and am piled in bed doing my final post of the day. I almost forgot it. I'm tired tonight.

I did my presentation this morning. Went fine. Only about 8 people in attendance. Two just wanted to whine in public rather than call the office. I guess they wanted witnesses to their complaints. Suites me. Doesn't change what is.

Its been a difficult week and I haven't done a lot. Told the group tonight I was at a point I was ready to chuck writing into the Ohio and watch it drift away on the tide. I'm just worn out for some reason. I'm needing more sleep than usual. But it is probably because the days at work have been more stressful and hectic. There were 193 tenants between 8:15 and 2:30! And I was out for about two hours of that. We had a lunch break as well of an hour and a half. So, basically, seven clients for each of six case managers every hour for five hours. Something like that. It was a long day.

And tomorrow is only Thursday.

So, good night all. May the sun shine on you all in the morning.

Downhill...

Considering most of the week has been, I suppose I shouldn't be surprise it is Wednesday. The only redeeming quality I see is that Writer's Asylum will meet tonight. I'll get to visit with some funny people and talk about what we all like to do in our "free" time, which none of us have enough of.

I went to bed at 7:30 because I simply couldn't see very well. I didn't intend to doze off but I guess I did because I had a phone call wake me around 8:30. I was so exhausted last night and wasn't even aware of how much so. I chatted with friends for a bit but I was kind of worried that my nap may have finished my night. Not so. I shut the light out again at 11:30 and I was out in minutes. Slept all night until the clock went off at 6:30. No, I did not want to get up.

We have 193 recertification appointments today between 8:15 a.m. and 3 p.m. with an hour and a half for everyone to take lunch. That is 7 people every 15 minutes for 6 case managers. While that is going on, I have to give a presentation at the Apartment Association at 10 so I will leave within an hour of the start of recerts and probably not get back until after lunch.

Our department has an hour and a half to do the presentations. There will be my boss, one inspector and me. Originally it was planned that two others would go but when I pointed out that we had so many people coming in it would be a mad house, he had to change it.

Ok, got to hit the road. I need about another hour of sleep, I think. But not to be. I'll stop and get breakfast. Have a good day.

No sun again.

One Down and Four To Go

Tuesday. Good Lord, how many clouds could there possibly be? They've taken up permanent residence over Indiana just to keep me annoyed.

There must be a terrible drought somewhere. Clouds are water vapor in the air. So if all that water is trapped in clouds, the ground must be really dry somewhere.

I'm tired. I have a cold that seems to be getting a bit worse. Still it is only a mild one so maybe I should take something. But what? It is a head cold at this point with a mild cough starting now. I need to be in bed but I spent the day there Sunday and it didn't help much.

This afternoon I have an eye exam and my teeth cleaned. I need the glasses but my teeth, well, my insurance pays for it so I'm going. But they always say they're very clean. Helps if you brush your teeth regularly with the right stuff. Get an electric tooth brush, too.

Went to the Y. Arm is o.k. Back hurts and neck and they did before I went to bed. I knew I was straining it because I was in too deep. But the class is too big this time. They let a lot of people in who weren't registered and so it is crowded.

Dave and Becca came over after I came home and we had pizzas and of course stories and puzzles. I told someone she chases the dark with golden hair, sunny smiles and giggles. She is just a doll baby and always cheers me up a bit. David worked on my shoulder some and it helped. Sarah told him "Be careful, Daddy, you'll hurt Mawmaw. She's fragile."

I still didn't go to bed until late. I think I probably should tonight. I'm very tired. Probably the cold on top of everything else.

God, I'm a mess. I should make this kind of stuff private, I suppose. Who wants to read a bunch of whining, moaning, groaning, mess. I have to get to work anyway so I'll stop here.

Don't let me rain on your day. I expect nature will do enough of that. For those who have sun. Take photos so you can remember it. I saw Jilly did. Looked so lovely in her back yard. I'd love to sit on that bench in the corner she has and watch the birds.

Another Gray Monday

No sun today. Once again the clouds have blanketed the sky in thick batting. It isn't as cold as it has been, currently 39 degrees but still cold.

I wanted to stay in bed today. I suppose you could say I pray every morning before I go to work. I'm praying before I ever get out of bed. I don't feel overly pious about it. I'm simply repeating certain phrases. "God help me" seems to be the most predominate one. It would be funny if it wasn't pathetic.

I seem to have a stomach issue. I had it yesterday afternoon and last night. My stomach just didn't feel really good. Still doesn't today. Grumbly feelings and not good. I've had to go to the bathroom several times and I'm afraid I shouldn't go to the Y tonight. But it so helped my arm last week.

The pain has been much better this week, a sure sign it is fibro rather than something else. I suspect when I injured the muscle months ago it set up the cycle for the fibro to attack that muscle. The only thing that helps is working the muscle, even when it hurts. And I have to work through the pain rather than wait for the pain to stop. Just about kills you for the first ten minute but honestly, if you stick it out, it gets better after that. I know it is crarzy but it does work.

So, I'd really like to go, even though I want to go to bed. The lesser of two evils is depression. The pain only makes that worse so if I get relief from the pain, I'm ahead... well, it looks like I'm ahead to me.

On a slightly positive note, don't dare get too may of those in a depressing entry, I'm sleeping better since I moved the bed. I moved the night table to the other side of the bed and I now sleep on that side. I still don't like it much because my back is to the door and that was the side Jerry slept on but moving it has helped. I must know that the phone, light and tissue is on that side because I roll over there now to sleep. Silly. At any rate, it has taken some pressure off the left side. I still roll that way but not as much I did.

I'm stopping now and getting back to work. The day has passed quickly, thankfully. I will make my mind up about the Y later. See if the stomach improves.