2010 has arrived. I saw it arrive alone. I suspect, if I live long enough, there will be many more I see arrive, alone. I should have gone to bed and it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I didn't
I guess I thought maybe there would be some radical change in the way I feel. That things would look brighter. I wouldn't feel the weight of 2009. I thought when the calendar flipped over that something would change. But if there was supposed to be some excitement or magical feeling, I missed it. The year is an hour and 45 minutes old and nothing has changed except the time and date.
I never remember a new year that I cared so little about. I don't have any goals to meet. I don't make resolutions anyway (remember the post: Lies in Fancy Dress). No positive ideals to pin to the refrigerator. Just another day at the office.So, I'm on my way to bed. I've pretty much wasted the first two hours anyway.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
First Laugh of the Morning
I opened my email this morning to find this. I found it truly funny.
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Four Days of . . .?
Good question. I have planned to have the kids over tomorrow night for pizza and to see the new year in. But after that, I really want to just do my own thing. I want to work in my edit job and maybe write some other things.
But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.
So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.
I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.
I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.
Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.
But I always get sidetracked. Everyone needs something.I really don't want much company these days. I'm what the head guys call an introvert, and probably a pretty extreme one if they knew the whole story. Social events actually tire me out. Extroverts are energized by social events.
So, what will I do. At the moment, I'm exhausted. It has been a rather trying week and I'm just spent. We all went out tonight to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He's 26.
I came home and have been making some CD's to listen to in the car so I can continue to brush up on the Spanish. I haven't been doing it much at night the last couple of weeks. Mainly because I've been so depressed I haven't touched the book.
I"m going to bed I think now. I'd like to get up in the morning and feel good. It is raining out, been pouring for hours.. I do hope it won't be too cold or it will be ice and that will sort of put a crimp in my plans for tomorrow night.
Everyone have a happy new year, if I'm not back before then. You are all the most wonderful friends. Thank you all for your encouraging comments the last couple of days. I do read them. And they do help. When things seem darkest, it is nice to have someone strike a match.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Long Dark Night
I don't understand sometimes why breathing seems such a chore. Why is waking up and getting out of bed is so difficult? There is an expression that came to my mind while I was writing that: the long dark night of the soul. I looked it up. Although I've heard it for years, I realized that I didn't really understand what it meant. I do now.
There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)
I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.
I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.
I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).
A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.
But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.
Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.
The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.
Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.
There were several places that described it. Wiki says, "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another site that I believe has something to do with eastern religion said, "It is a feeling of having been abandoned by God, characterized by an extreme sense of loneliness, and often a sense of futility and an experience of all efforts coming out the opposite of what is expected." (http://www.kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/darknight.php)
I actually read the page where that was found because it seemed to fit several periods in my own life where things just didn't make sense and melted away to a kind of blackness. It is where I reside at the moment. Abandonment, desolation, loneliness, everything you attempt fails. . . pretty much sums it up. A long dark night.
I wrote the preceding at 9:33 this morning. The day degenerated from that point, a spiral into an abyss. I fell apart around 2 p.m. A coworker came to my office and found me. After failing to find a way to help me the boss came in and sent me home for the day. Probably for the best. When I got to the house I was basically an emotional train wreck. Took nearly two hours to get to the point I could get out of bed.
I asked to get Sarah earlier in the day and I went and got her and spent the rest of the evening trying to stay focused on blue eyes, blond hair and gamin grins. We made supper together, ate, played with the doll house, watched Barney, played with some other toys, read about four Curious George stories (she has a huge book of about eight).
A few times she caught me upset and said, "Don't be sad Mawmaw, I'm here." Once she said, "Don't be afraid. I'm right here Mawmaw. I not gone leave you." I wanted to smile but couldn't quite pull it off. She has gone home now and I'm on my way to shower and to bed. I feel as if I've run 50 miles. I've been sleepy for hours.
But a long dark night of the soul. I experienced such a thing once years ago. I didn't know that is what it was then but after reading the explanation, I'm certain of it. And this is another version. You would think, after all this time, I'd be used to it. I'd just straighten up, wash my face and get on with my life. And it sounds like a good idea. If I thought I had a life. If I thought it matter, or if I cared. I'm finding it harder and harder to find something that would make me care.
Maybe I want life easy. I probably do. Jerry and I made our plans. We knew what life would be. We loved our church and little family. We didn't have anything else. But it was just enough to keep us happy. We were happy, for a little while. We would work. Our sons would grow up to be productive men, honest, Godly men who loved God and who would have good jobs and families of their own. We'd have grandchildren, several, just down the road where we could be surrounded on holidays with those who meant the most to us and that we could see in church on Sunday carrying on the faith we had tried to instill. And we'd grow old together and watch their children have children and we would leave a legacy behind of, not money, but character and dedication and devotion.
The last month of his life I watched my husband lose all those dreams at once. I watched him let go of them and weep for his life. I listened to him talk about the disappointment he felt at all of it. I didn't know I was getting a last confession. But I tried to reassure and absolve him, I hope. At least I told him it wasn't his fault. He did the best he could to see that it all happened. I have hoped every day since January 29th that he found some comfort in those things. That he did not die feeling like a failure because of what was around him. People should not die with no sense of achieving something good. I think he did. I'm certain he did.
Now, I am not sure it is possible to ever feel like I did the right things. I am sure that there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. Truth cannot be changed.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday Morning Yuck
Gray skies, nothing but gray skies do I see!
Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?
It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.
I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.
I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.
I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!
Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.
I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.
Wait! That's not how it goes... is it?
It is in Indiana. And colder than. . . well, I don't know if there is a song for that. It is 28 degrees. Only a few degrees warmer than it was last night. If we had some sun it might be better.
I didn't have a very good evening yesterday. I woke up feeling o.k. but it was a slippery slope and all downhill. I went to church but it was very difficult for some reason. I just felt closed off and distant. The day wore on and I wanted to feel better but couldn't seem to get there. I didn't go to church that night and that was probably a bad idea. But I sat and cleaned out two desk drawers. I have a third to go. It kept my mind off some things but I kept finding these little notes Jerry wrote reminding him of either an appointment or phone number. I still have his social security card with his signature. He had the loveliest handwriting for a man. When I run across these things I just have this dagger shoved in my chest and I can't breath.
I'm going to start throwing away stuff but it is really hard. I tend to hang on to things thinking I'll "need" it but some of it I've not touched in years! It is terrible. I did that in the garage and ultimately it was a good choice. It is harder in the house. I still don't know what to do about some items.
I want to get rid of some furniture that I have, too. I am trying to get things sorted out. I am going to try and do the faucets this weekend myself. Mike said he will help me but it will require a lot of supervision since he tends to be careless and I don't need a plumbing disaster on a Saturday. It is my shower so if it gets messed up I have a serious problem. I tried calling a handyman service but they would only recommend a plumber!
Remember to keep Jilly's grandson in your prayers. Flynn went back to the hospital and is not doing well. He is only 5 weeks old and has lost 10% of his body weight. That's very bad for a baby.
I'm going home to lunch now and take a much needed break. The day is not going well I think. I just feel very depressed.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Catching Up With Myself
Sunday, last day of vacation! Whew! That was waaayyyy too fast.
I'm about to leave to pick up Mike and head off to church. I almost did not go this morning. Neck, hands, and BOTH calf muscles are hurting. The calf muscles hurt yesterday but today I think they are a bit worse. I haven't really had pain in the left one much before but today they're a match. Got a headache, too.
Tried to call to see if I could take Sarah to church. No answer. Surprise. Why do I even bother? Because I am accountable if I don't at least try.
Sorry, not going there this morning. I can't handle it.
Last night I took my laptop to bed and watched the first Lord of the Rings while lying in the comfort and warmth of my bed. That was really NICE! I do not have a television in my bedroom. I think it is a terrible idea. I have sleep problems anyway and that will only add to them. I was up until 2 a.m. watching them. I have been up since 8 a.m. this morning. I've stopped worrying about getting enough sleep. I am taking my meds regularly, although two night I didn't take the muscle relaxant... (
could be why the calves are hurting). I was very late getting to bed those night and don't like to take it after 10 p.m. However, I also went and bought my melatonin. I had run out a few weeks ago and just have not remembered to get it.
I was getting all the supplements I take and Mike looked at my basket and said, "MOM! What is all that?" I told him I have to take it all. There was Super B complex, melantonin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Chromium Picolante, milk thistle, and vitamine E. I told him that wasn't all I take either and did not include prescription meds.
I talked with my friend in Michigan last night, the one whose daughter has not been well. He said she is going to have to stay with him and drop out of school here. I think that is a good thing. She needs to be with family for support. There was too much pressure here.
It is very odd really that call. I was on my way home from Mike's and had picked up my cell phone to call Mike about something I forgot to tell him. While it was ringing something said Call R--- R----. It was so strong that I forgot why I was calling Mike and hung up. I drove a few blocks and finally decided that was a instruction that demanded attention. I thought about waiting until I got home and finish calling Mike. But the reason I was calling Mike was totally gone. My phone rang and it was Mike wanting to know why I hung up before he could answer. I told him I forgot why I was calling. I told him I'd call back. Then I immediately tried my friend's number and no answer. I left a message to say I was just checking up on them to see that all was going well and if his daughter was doing better.
I went home and about half an hour later I got a call. It was my friend. He had got my message. I told him why I was calling and asked how things were going. He said, "Well, when you called we were having a discussion and that's why I couldn't answer. I can't believe the timing of your call! It's amazing." I told him about my "orders" and that I usually try and follow them. He told me he was glad I did.
Apparently, the discussion was about things they had not said to one another and was emotioinal for both of them but he felt they had begun to work some things out. He wanted to talk a bit about it. So we did. When we hung up I was glad I had called, too. It was apparent that things were looking better for them and I was relieved. I think he was relieved to share the load a bit. But that's what friends are for.
And now, I must get to church! Mike will be having a cow.
I'm about to leave to pick up Mike and head off to church. I almost did not go this morning. Neck, hands, and BOTH calf muscles are hurting. The calf muscles hurt yesterday but today I think they are a bit worse. I haven't really had pain in the left one much before but today they're a match. Got a headache, too.
Tried to call to see if I could take Sarah to church. No answer. Surprise. Why do I even bother? Because I am accountable if I don't at least try.
Sorry, not going there this morning. I can't handle it.
Last night I took my laptop to bed and watched the first Lord of the Rings while lying in the comfort and warmth of my bed. That was really NICE! I do not have a television in my bedroom. I think it is a terrible idea. I have sleep problems anyway and that will only add to them. I was up until 2 a.m. watching them. I have been up since 8 a.m. this morning. I've stopped worrying about getting enough sleep. I am taking my meds regularly, although two night I didn't take the muscle relaxant... (
could be why the calves are hurting). I was very late getting to bed those night and don't like to take it after 10 p.m. However, I also went and bought my melatonin. I had run out a few weeks ago and just have not remembered to get it. I was getting all the supplements I take and Mike looked at my basket and said, "MOM! What is all that?" I told him I have to take it all. There was Super B complex, melantonin, Calcium, Vitamin D, Chromium Picolante, milk thistle, and vitamine E. I told him that wasn't all I take either and did not include prescription meds.
I talked with my friend in Michigan last night, the one whose daughter has not been well. He said she is going to have to stay with him and drop out of school here. I think that is a good thing. She needs to be with family for support. There was too much pressure here.
It is very odd really that call. I was on my way home from Mike's and had picked up my cell phone to call Mike about something I forgot to tell him. While it was ringing something said Call R--- R----. It was so strong that I forgot why I was calling Mike and hung up. I drove a few blocks and finally decided that was a instruction that demanded attention. I thought about waiting until I got home and finish calling Mike. But the reason I was calling Mike was totally gone. My phone rang and it was Mike wanting to know why I hung up before he could answer. I told him I forgot why I was calling. I told him I'd call back. Then I immediately tried my friend's number and no answer. I left a message to say I was just checking up on them to see that all was going well and if his daughter was doing better.
I went home and about half an hour later I got a call. It was my friend. He had got my message. I told him why I was calling and asked how things were going. He said, "Well, when you called we were having a discussion and that's why I couldn't answer. I can't believe the timing of your call! It's amazing." I told him about my "orders" and that I usually try and follow them. He told me he was glad I did.
Apparently, the discussion was about things they had not said to one another and was emotioinal for both of them but he felt they had begun to work some things out. He wanted to talk a bit about it. So we did. When we hung up I was glad I had called, too. It was apparent that things were looking better for them and I was relieved. I think he was relieved to share the load a bit. But that's what friends are for.
And now, I must get to church! Mike will be having a cow.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
My Bow (and Tree) To the Season
That Bow in the title is how you great a dignitary. But I have a bow on my door at home and a tree on Multiply. See above. Isn't English weird?
I do now wish to celebrate as I've said before. I bought the bow from a girl at work who makes them and taped it to my front door. I'll have to take a photo of it. It really is lovely. I have a Santa on my coffee table. And today, I put up the tree... on Multiply. Lovely blue lights.
Currently, it is a bright.... scratch that. It is a dark gloomy day. I don't believe I've ever seen as much cloud cover in my life as I have this winter! It is unreal. Not much snow, some rain, and lots of darkness. I thought we were going to fry and instead, we will die from lack of sunlight!
I forgot to get my vitamins and have to go to the store today and pick them up. They increased my Vitamin D from 2000 units to 3000. Well, with no sunlight I can't expect much help.
I'm depressed and have a headache today. I took the wrong meds this morning. I took the ones I usually take at night. I have a pill minder but I have done this a couple of times. I was distracted and not thinking.
For the most part, it isn't serious but I have to figure it out because it could be if my meds were more serious meds. I take two meds both morning and night and they are probably the most risky. So that's fine. But I don't take my fluid pill at night and I don't take metformin (diabetic med) at night. So, I had to go take those. I take a different BP med at night from in the mornings so, that could be a potential problem and I'll call the pharmacy about it. Could be where my headache is from. The only remaining pill is the muscle relaxant. I only take it at night although it is prescribed for 3x a day. It won't hurt me except at some point I expect to be sleepy.
A l little excitement arrived today. I stopped posting this long enough to go check my mail at the front desk this morning. I had a card from someone. I thought it was Jilly because of the postmark and wondered why she'd send me a second Christmas card at this address since she already sent me one at home. It wasn't from Jilly. I opened it in the front office and was showered with stars... and hearts, and snowflakes, and glittery wreaths. I laughed and said, "KATEY!" I had just read Riete's blog this morning and remembered Katey's blog a week or so ago. Yes, she sent me glitter. It was so funny. I went to show a friend, sharing a small bit of my glitter on her desk. She smiled and grabbed it up saying, "Its pink! I have to keep it." Everything in her office is pink.
So, Katey, thank you for the sparkly card and the stars. I like getting cards at work now and then. I'm here all day and it is a bright spot in my day. Everyone wonders who they are from. I get to say things like "My friend on my blog." or " My friend in England." They ALWAYS say, "REALLY?" And I get them at home too so I have had nice things waiting for me after work.
Lisa, I got your card and the CD but don't know if I told you. I forget sometimes. I love guitar music and so it was perfect. It will be playing this week at home. I still have last year's, too. I like playing holiday music.
Thank you all who have sent a card or gift. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I always liked getting Christmas cards but this year they have meant so much more to me than usual. To know you thought of me and took the time to tell me had been so lovely. I always try and send cards out but this year I just didn't even think about it so I apologize for not sending any in return. BUT I've written down all the addresses! So, I hope next year will be more cheerful and I will be able to send out lots of cards.
I have to go to lunch now. I've taken several hours to compile this. A break here and there. Good thing there is a draft feature to Multiply. If I don't talk to you all before Christmas Day, I hope it is a lovely one for every one of you. I probably will be here. You know I'm here all the time!
I do now wish to celebrate as I've said before. I bought the bow from a girl at work who makes them and taped it to my front door. I'll have to take a photo of it. It really is lovely. I have a Santa on my coffee table. And today, I put up the tree... on Multiply. Lovely blue lights.
Currently, it is a bright.... scratch that. It is a dark gloomy day. I don't believe I've ever seen as much cloud cover in my life as I have this winter! It is unreal. Not much snow, some rain, and lots of darkness. I thought we were going to fry and instead, we will die from lack of sunlight!
I forgot to get my vitamins and have to go to the store today and pick them up. They increased my Vitamin D from 2000 units to 3000. Well, with no sunlight I can't expect much help.
I'm depressed and have a headache today. I took the wrong meds this morning. I took the ones I usually take at night. I have a pill minder but I have done this a couple of times. I was distracted and not thinking.
For the most part, it isn't serious but I have to figure it out because it could be if my meds were more serious meds. I take two meds both morning and night and they are probably the most risky. So that's fine. But I don't take my fluid pill at night and I don't take metformin (diabetic med) at night. So, I had to go take those. I take a different BP med at night from in the mornings so, that could be a potential problem and I'll call the pharmacy about it. Could be where my headache is from. The only remaining pill is the muscle relaxant. I only take it at night although it is prescribed for 3x a day. It won't hurt me except at some point I expect to be sleepy.
A l little excitement arrived today. I stopped posting this long enough to go check my mail at the front desk this morning. I had a card from someone. I thought it was Jilly because of the postmark and wondered why she'd send me a second Christmas card at this address since she already sent me one at home. It wasn't from Jilly. I opened it in the front office and was showered with stars... and hearts, and snowflakes, and glittery wreaths. I laughed and said, "KATEY!" I had just read Riete's blog this morning and remembered Katey's blog a week or so ago. Yes, she sent me glitter. It was so funny. I went to show a friend, sharing a small bit of my glitter on her desk. She smiled and grabbed it up saying, "Its pink! I have to keep it." Everything in her office is pink.
So, Katey, thank you for the sparkly card and the stars. I like getting cards at work now and then. I'm here all day and it is a bright spot in my day. Everyone wonders who they are from. I get to say things like "My friend on my blog." or " My friend in England." They ALWAYS say, "REALLY?" And I get them at home too so I have had nice things waiting for me after work.
Lisa, I got your card and the CD but don't know if I told you. I forget sometimes. I love guitar music and so it was perfect. It will be playing this week at home. I still have last year's, too. I like playing holiday music.
Thank you all who have sent a card or gift. I so appreciate your thoughtfulness. I always liked getting Christmas cards but this year they have meant so much more to me than usual. To know you thought of me and took the time to tell me had been so lovely. I always try and send cards out but this year I just didn't even think about it so I apologize for not sending any in return. BUT I've written down all the addresses! So, I hope next year will be more cheerful and I will be able to send out lots of cards.
I have to go to lunch now. I've taken several hours to compile this. A break here and there. Good thing there is a draft feature to Multiply. If I don't talk to you all before Christmas Day, I hope it is a lovely one for every one of you. I probably will be here. You know I'm here all the time!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Late Night
They admitted Sarah to the hospital. She's on an IV and poor little thing is so sick. I got there and she opened her eyes and asked me to hold her. I sat with her on my lap, her arm splinted for the IV, for over an hour. Her fever went up and they came to give her medicine for that and I fed her ice. Then, she went to sleep and I put her to bed. They have been at the hospital all day long. Please God, I do not want this stuff. AS I was leaving I saw a young girl, about 13 or 14, sitting in the treatment room vomiting. The place was filled with people vomiting. Lucky me.
So, I just got home. David (Sarah's daddy) was in the ER for the same bug. Vomiting and fever. Becca is sick and vomiting and has to stay with Sarah tonight. I felt bad for her. I don't know what to do. There isn't anyone else who can do it. I have to work in the a.m. but I don't know how Becca is going to rest and look out for that baby. David was seen and will stay with her. He felt a bit better only because they gave him zofran. But he can't buy the script for it since he has no money and no insurance and no job. I sure can't pay for it either. It is nearly $100 a pill.
Of course, we know that Obama is going to fix all this. Everyone will be given all the medicine they need. When they need it. FREE medical care for all. Since I don't believe ANYTHING on the planet is free, I wonder who will pay for it?
Anyway, they are all at the hospital spending the night. We tried to get Becca to go through the ER but she said she wasn't spending $10,000 to get a shot of zofran and a bottle of salt water. She went and bought gatorade and will try and make it through the night on her own. At least she is in the hospital. Although, they won't help her unless she goes through the ER.
If you pray, you might say a pray or three for them all.
So, I just got home. David (Sarah's daddy) was in the ER for the same bug. Vomiting and fever. Becca is sick and vomiting and has to stay with Sarah tonight. I felt bad for her. I don't know what to do. There isn't anyone else who can do it. I have to work in the a.m. but I don't know how Becca is going to rest and look out for that baby. David was seen and will stay with her. He felt a bit better only because they gave him zofran. But he can't buy the script for it since he has no money and no insurance and no job. I sure can't pay for it either. It is nearly $100 a pill.
Of course, we know that Obama is going to fix all this. Everyone will be given all the medicine they need. When they need it. FREE medical care for all. Since I don't believe ANYTHING on the planet is free, I wonder who will pay for it?
Anyway, they are all at the hospital spending the night. We tried to get Becca to go through the ER but she said she wasn't spending $10,000 to get a shot of zofran and a bottle of salt water. She went and bought gatorade and will try and make it through the night on her own. At least she is in the hospital. Although, they won't help her unless she goes through the ER.
If you pray, you might say a pray or three for them all.
It's Snowing In S. Indiana
Snow is finally falling. Rather large flakes. I don't think it will stay because it just isn't cold enough. And I don't think the system is large enough to drop much snow. We'll see.
They've had Sarah at the E. R. twice today. The second time was because she was still vomiting and she couldn't keep the medicine down that kept her from vomiting. They have given her an IV to get fluids in her but I don't know if they will keep her or not.
Going to shower now.
They've had Sarah at the E. R. twice today. The second time was because she was still vomiting and she couldn't keep the medicine down that kept her from vomiting. They have given her an IV to get fluids in her but I don't know if they will keep her or not.
Going to shower now.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Saturday Snow
I just got in from church. We had our Christmas play. It was quite amusing. A man in our church always writes the play. This year he based it on A Wonderful Life. It was very good and hysterically funny in places. People were laughing all over so it was a good time.
It is snowing. Tiny, wet flakes that aren't sticking to the ground are swirling around an covering things. It has been cold enough here to make it stick. The ground has not frozen this season so until that happens, I don't look for any snow to stick. Fine by me.
I bought myself a pretty today. A new quilt and shams for my bed.
Once it was on the bed, I was so excited and I realized that my rug that I had bought went perfectly with the spread! Don't mind the blue blanket hanging down. I'm going to get a cream colored one so it blends better. I will buy a bed skirt in the summer perhaps, when the blankets come off.
Later, I went shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond looking for a bed table. You know, the kind that you can have breakfast in beds with. I found curtains I think would be perfect in with it. The picture of the online isn't as pretty as the curtains because you can't see the detail. They are room darkening and lined with a fleece for warmth. They are burgundy silk with gold flowers embroidered. They have a pair the color of the rug and quilt but I think too much of that light color will make the room a bit dull. I love rich tones like those in the prints. '
Now I just have to paint it all. I'm quite excited about it. Of course the curtains will cost me the earth. If I buy them I'll spend over $150 for two windows! That's obscene. But I could see it in my head! Now for a wall color. I'm thinking the dark gold in the curtain embroidery and the background of the rug.
It is snowing. Tiny, wet flakes that aren't sticking to the ground are swirling around an covering things. It has been cold enough here to make it stick. The ground has not frozen this season so until that happens, I don't look for any snow to stick. Fine by me.
I bought myself a pretty today. A new quilt and shams for my bed.
Once it was on the bed, I was so excited and I realized that my rug that I had bought went perfectly with the spread! Don't mind the blue blanket hanging down. I'm going to get a cream colored one so it blends better. I will buy a bed skirt in the summer perhaps, when the blankets come off.
Later, I went shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond looking for a bed table. You know, the kind that you can have breakfast in beds with. I found curtains I think would be perfect in with it. The picture of the online isn't as pretty as the curtains because you can't see the detail. They are room darkening and lined with a fleece for warmth. They are burgundy silk with gold flowers embroidered. They have a pair the color of the rug and quilt but I think too much of that light color will make the room a bit dull. I love rich tones like those in the prints. '
Now I just have to paint it all. I'm quite excited about it. Of course the curtains will cost me the earth. If I buy them I'll spend over $150 for two windows! That's obscene. But I could see it in my head! Now for a wall color. I'm thinking the dark gold in the curtain embroidery and the background of the rug.
Vindication?
I love it when I'm right. I thought I'd post this since I made a statement a few days ago about listing to my Spanish tapes when I am sleeping. I should have asked for a grant when I was in college to fund MY study.
I hope you can read the article. I get emails from the Mercola site and that is where it came from. I've posted some of the content below the link. He gives comments after the short article but I didn't copy those.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/17/Sounds-During-Sleep-Can-Boost-Your-Memory.aspx
I hope you can read the article. I get emails from the Mercola site and that is where it came from. I've posted some of the content below the link. He gives comments after the short article but I didn't copy those.
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/12/17/Sounds-During-Sleep-Can-Boost-Your-Memory.aspx
Sounds During Sleep Can Boost Your Memory
A new study about a different kind of audio approach during sleep gives insight into how the sleeping brain works, and may eventually come in handy to people studying a language, cramming for a test or memorizing lines in a play.
Scientists at Northwestern University reported that playing specific sounds while people slept helped them remember more of what they had learned before they fell sleep, to the point where memories of individual facts were enhanced.
Researchers taught people to move 50 pictures to their correct locations on a computer screen. Each picture was accompanied by a related sound, like a meow for a cat and whirring for a helicopter.
Then, 12 subjects took a nap, during which 25 of the sounds were played along with white noise. When they awoke, none realized that the sounds had been played or could guess which ones had been used. Yet almost all remembered more precisely the computer locations of the pictures associated with the 25 sounds that had been played while they slept, doing less well placing the other 25 pictures.
The study adds a dimension to a theory that sleep allows the brain to process and consolidate memories.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tales in the Dark
"What I tell you in the darkness, speak ye in the light" (Matt. 10:27).
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rang and I it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
A second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all and only include them for those truly interested in reading them. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they aren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
The title for this post and the scripture came several weeks ago, on Dec 17. I put the title in the box and wrote the scripture and then. . . nothing. I had nothing else to say. A tiny bell had rang and I it felt important. So, since I thought it was stupid to post like that, I saved it in my drafts. I've looked at it several times in confusion wondering what I had wanted to say. I didn't know. Still I had the sense it meant something. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it so I just closed it up again.
January 1, I was reading my Bible and a second bell went off. I thought fleetingly "That's odd." I learned long ago that nothing is really coincidental. Things happen for a reason. You don't have to agree. But small things are like pebbles dropped in a lake. They start ripples that move outward, forever if the source is large enough. In theory, if you drop one in the middle of the Atlantic there will be ripples that become waves that have great impact somewhere.
A second bell went of when I read the following scripture. "So the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near the thick darkness where God was" Ex. 20:21 The word "was" was not in the original Hebrew text. It is put there for clarity. It is italicized in the KJV to show this. So, Moses drew near the thick darkness where God.
I did nothing at first when I found it. But it kept coming to my mind and eventually I got out of bed that evening and marked it in yellow in my study Bible. Again, I had that sense that this was important... at least to me. Remember, I once said this blog is about me? So, I set up a marker and left the verse in the Bible.
Today, I became restless. That verse has continued to 'gnaw' at me and the post I had started but not finished. I decided to search for the phrase "darkness" in the Bible. Nothing else. Just that. I began to read each entry that fit my search criteria. Darkness is a broad term and not all verses I found seemed to relate, they didn't give me that same clanging sound in my head. But I did start to notice the connection to the word "God" in some of the results. Mentally, I refined my search farther.
Of course, as Christians we don't connect God to darkness. He's all about light. Bringing light to the world and lighting our paths. He's the bright and morning star. His light has expanded to encompass the globe in nations once shrouded in thick darkness. Everything we learn about God is stated in terms of brilliance. The Bible clearly states these terms in regard to God's character. It even says that God is not found in darkness.
As I searched I started pasting all the scriptures to my document. I realized I was in trouble because I usually over research things anyway and the Bible is a big book and the word "darkness" is repeated . . . well. . . a lot.
Bells and Voices
So, I further refined mentally. I formulated a filter to assist. What was I looking for based on the two verses already "given" to me? Surprisingly, I sort of knew the answer, too. God can be found in darkness. That bell clanged loudly. Well, that flies in the face of all Christianity! It was just a little voice that slipped past the sound of the bell.
However, after reading all the scriptures that I felt were closely related to my first two and seemed catch in my filter, I noted two things. In the Old Testament God was frequently mentioned as "inhabiting darkness". In the New Testament, he was frequently mentioned "inhabiting light" and literally banishing darkness. It confused me at first but after thinking about it a bit, it made sense to me. Jesus is considered to be the light of the world. We believe he illuminated the darkness where God dwelt. There was a distant clang there but I felt that was not the direction I was headed today. I note it for another study.
I listed all the scriptures I felt related in some way to my first two and my filter. There are dozens but I won't use them all and only include them for those truly interested in reading them. For my purpose, I'm looking for the reason those first two verses keep ringing in my head. What do they mean?
As I did my search, I notice that in many places where God revealed important information to a person, he did it in thick darkness. Sometimes, the human being was terrified. Sometimes, they simply took the news and made the necessary changes. But most of the time I suspect they were scared witless. That's why so much dictation took place. When you are afraid and in the dark, you don't think too well.
"And when the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell upon Abram; and, lo, an horror of great darkness fell upon him." Gen. 15:12
"And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days:" Ex. 10:22
"The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12
"Clouds and darkness are round about him: righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." Ps 97:2
In each instance God was cloaked in darkness but he was there, acting in some capacity. Giving Abram a dream, dealing with the stubborn Egyptians. That was interesting to me. I've been living in very dark places. Today I was still in those dark places. It was frightening and I don't think to well but. . .at least I am hearing bells.
Fire And Smoke
The next thing I found was the story of the Exodus that tells of where God put a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night between the Hebrews and the Egyptians. This was to protect the Hebrews and not allow their recapture. What I didn't know was that there was a dual perception to this cloud/pillar.
To me the pillar of fire could easily be seen as a cloud in the daylight because . . . well, it produced huge quantities of smoke. I've seen enormous fires that appeared to be nothing but thick billowing smoke. You couldn't even see the fire! Until it got dark. What I found in the scripture was that the Egyptians only perceived the darkness. They never saw the pillar of fire! Read the verse with an emphasis on the terms "them" and "these" and you will see what I mean.
"And it came between the camp of the Egyptians and the camp of Israel; and it was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these: so that the one came not near the other all the night." Ex. 14:20
This cloud was darkness to the Egyptians but it was light to the Hebrews. The Egyptians didn't see the light! They saw only a great towering darkness before them and they aren't about to cross that line. Remember that I said in the Old Testament God cloaked himself in thick darkness.
"And ye came near and stood under the mountain; and the mountain burned with fire unto the midst of heaven, with darkness, clouds, and thick darkness." Ex 4:11
"These words the Lord spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me." Deut. 5:22
Everyone outside the cloud saw thick darkness. Moses walked along the road and stepped into that darkness.
Down A Dark Road
Many of the things I found referred to the impact of this darkness on others. Frequently, darkness is laid across someone's path. This darkness was so thick, so terrible that the wicked couldn't even speak when confronted with it.
"He will keep the feet of his saints, and the wicked shall be silent in darkness; for by strength shall no man prevail." 1 Sam 2:9
It always surrounded the Almighty. "And he made darkness pavilions round about him, dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies." 2 Sam. 22:12 & Ps. 18:11
"He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet." 2 Sam. 22:10 & Ps. 18:9
Trouble in the Dark
Job said that God set the darkness in his path. He couldn't avoid it; it was across the path he had to take. Moses had to go into the darkness? Why? Why would God set darkness in the path of anyone, particularly people he held in high regard? Would God put darkness in our paths?
"He hath fenced up my way that I cannot pass, and he hath set darkness in my paths." Job 19:8
"He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light. He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old." Lam. 3:2 & 6
"When I looked for good, then evil came unto me: and when I waited for light, there came darkness." Job 30:26
WHY? The question screamed at me. WHY? Why he do that? And if it was there, why would anyone enter that darkness as Moses had? Why would they have to go through the darkness at all? There is no light there. It is a darkness you can feel, that burns its way into your soul and consumes you. You don't know what is there waiting. Why would I go into that darkness? Dear Lord! Do you hear those bells? There are secrets in the dark.
"He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what is in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him." Dan 2:22
"And I will give thee the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that I, the Lord, which call thee by thy name, am the God of Israel." Isa 45:3
"He discovereth deep things out of darkness, and bringeth out to light the shadow of death." Job 12:22
There is more to this story, but not today. There are a dozen more scriptures, but they'll still be there later. Today, that is what I needed to know. I heard it in the dark.
"Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee. For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee." Isa 60:1-2
"And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known: I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them." Isa. 42:16
"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me." Micah 7:8
Can you hear the bells ringing all over the house?
I can.
Leaky Faucets and Rotting Corpses
I thought I was fine last night. I haven't really felt good all week but I've managed to get by, even writing a bit. Still, I've been very down. I have gone to bed a bit earlier several nights, only to arise earlier. I was resting I suppose. I remember even dreaming several nights. I do think I'm getting Mike's cold.
Around 10 p.m. last night I simply descended into hell. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying and it frightens me. You just can't breath. I don't think I've descended that far in a while. It is the worst place to be and there really is no escape. Once you hit the steepest part of the slope there is nothing to stop you, nothing to grab onto. You end up at the bottom with bloody knees, torn nails and a bruised soul.
This is as far from normal as you ever want to get. Everything is upside down. I look around my house and feel, despite it being clean and fairly organized, that it is a waste land. Devoid of anything that makes it home. I don't love it anymore. It doesn't love me either.
I see things I'd like to get done and find I just really don't care anymore. The hot water faucet in the tub is leaking. The half bath toilet has no water in the tank because it was leaking and I just turned it off, cleaned out the bowl, and poured cleaning solutions through it to make sure it was clear of any odors. The kitchen faucet has a leak; I've mopped up water underneath it twice this week. The leak in the bottom of the tub I've stopped, I think with spray foam that expanded to form a round glop in the bottom of the tub. It's stuck there until I discover if I'm up to taking it out and put in a new one.
But I don't care, actually. I know these things need fixing. I just don't see how or when or even if I want to. I've no problem turning off the water to the kitchen sink and tub but I actually have to wash dishes and take a bath. But I no longer use the half bath toilet since it has no water. I just brush my teeth in there and fix my hair because it has the best light and mirrors. Most of the time it is closed off.
We're just rotting corpses. Dust to dust. Eventually, we'll just be dust.
Around 10 p.m. last night I simply descended into hell. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying and it frightens me. You just can't breath. I don't think I've descended that far in a while. It is the worst place to be and there really is no escape. Once you hit the steepest part of the slope there is nothing to stop you, nothing to grab onto. You end up at the bottom with bloody knees, torn nails and a bruised soul.
This is as far from normal as you ever want to get. Everything is upside down. I look around my house and feel, despite it being clean and fairly organized, that it is a waste land. Devoid of anything that makes it home. I don't love it anymore. It doesn't love me either.
I see things I'd like to get done and find I just really don't care anymore. The hot water faucet in the tub is leaking. The half bath toilet has no water in the tank because it was leaking and I just turned it off, cleaned out the bowl, and poured cleaning solutions through it to make sure it was clear of any odors. The kitchen faucet has a leak; I've mopped up water underneath it twice this week. The leak in the bottom of the tub I've stopped, I think with spray foam that expanded to form a round glop in the bottom of the tub. It's stuck there until I discover if I'm up to taking it out and put in a new one.
But I don't care, actually. I know these things need fixing. I just don't see how or when or even if I want to. I've no problem turning off the water to the kitchen sink and tub but I actually have to wash dishes and take a bath. But I no longer use the half bath toilet since it has no water. I just brush my teeth in there and fix my hair because it has the best light and mirrors. Most of the time it is closed off.
We're just rotting corpses. Dust to dust. Eventually, we'll just be dust.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Twiddling My Thumbs
We had our office Christmas luncheon today and revealed our Secret Santa's. We exchanged names and have been getting and giving small presents for the last couple of weeks. Lunch was good and it was a lot of fun watching over the last week when people got their gifts. I got candy and body butter from Victoria's Secret and some lotion from Bath & Body Works. Actually the person I drew also drew my name so it was amusing when the reveal came today.
As most of you know, I've been in fairly dark places the last week. I apologize if anyone is bothered by that. I wish I could say it won't happen again. I can't. At the moment, I'm better. I have gotten some much needed rest. I went to bed last night at 9:30 p.m.. I've said before I am pretty sure that lack of sleep is one of the biggest problems and it makes everything else profoundly worse. I have noticed when I don't sleep, I become severely depressed and distraught. Everything snowballs.
With that early night, I got up at 6 a.m. this morning! That's a lot of sleep. I was so tired I could hardly stand it. It was such a dreadful weekend that I think I was just spent by Monday morning. When I got home I was nearly a zombie. And I was frustrated about going to bed so early but I simply could not stay up any longer. Once in bed, I was out in in minutes
I'm doing something you will think very odd. For the last two nights, I have turned on one of my Spanish language tapes when I went to bed. Last night I only woke up once that I recall when there was a change of speaker on the tape. It only last 45 minutes anyway.
I've used this technique for years to learn things. I did it all the time in college, taping my notes and listening to them. I've recommended this to probably half a dozen other people and each one who tried it said it was tremendously helpful. My theory is that hearing your own voice actually helps your brain accept the information. There were several information intensive course I had and this worked for me. I need to find my pillow speaker, though. I am just using the player's speakers and last night I had to turn it down. Sunday night it didn't bother me but it did last night. I finally got a comfortable level and was fine but I recall the speaker pillow was really good.
I'm trying to brush up on my Spanish and I figured that a good way would to get my "ear"in tune by letting it play when I was asleep. I read Spanish fairly well up to a point; I'm rusty. But understanding spoken Spanish is difficult for me because I've never got to use it. I'll let you know if I can detect an improvement. I plan on making recordings of my own voice soon and see if that will help with my spoken Spanish, too.
I began editing The End of Winter this morning. Yes, this morning at 7 a.m. I wanted to start this weekend but when I'm so mentally stressed and tired I simply can't function. I was very upset by not being able to do any writing this weekend. This particular story is probably one of my favorites and I'd really like to get it presentable. I have a good group of writers whose opinions I trust so I think I'll know if it is worth the effort. But if I can't keep my focus I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm beginning to think I'll never be clear headed again. Surely if I can crank out 20,000 in one week I can edit an already written work!
Now, I should get back to work. I'm here twiddling my thumbs and I'm thinking about asking to leave a bit early today. I have 3 hours of personal time and if I don't take it I will lose it at the end of the year. Maybe I should wait until Friday and take it all? I'm already wanting to go home so I don't know.
Hope you all have a good Tuesday.
As most of you know, I've been in fairly dark places the last week. I apologize if anyone is bothered by that. I wish I could say it won't happen again. I can't. At the moment, I'm better. I have gotten some much needed rest. I went to bed last night at 9:30 p.m.. I've said before I am pretty sure that lack of sleep is one of the biggest problems and it makes everything else profoundly worse. I have noticed when I don't sleep, I become severely depressed and distraught. Everything snowballs.
With that early night, I got up at 6 a.m. this morning! That's a lot of sleep. I was so tired I could hardly stand it. It was such a dreadful weekend that I think I was just spent by Monday morning. When I got home I was nearly a zombie. And I was frustrated about going to bed so early but I simply could not stay up any longer. Once in bed, I was out in in minutes
I'm doing something you will think very odd. For the last two nights, I have turned on one of my Spanish language tapes when I went to bed. Last night I only woke up once that I recall when there was a change of speaker on the tape. It only last 45 minutes anyway.
I've used this technique for years to learn things. I did it all the time in college, taping my notes and listening to them. I've recommended this to probably half a dozen other people and each one who tried it said it was tremendously helpful. My theory is that hearing your own voice actually helps your brain accept the information. There were several information intensive course I had and this worked for me. I need to find my pillow speaker, though. I am just using the player's speakers and last night I had to turn it down. Sunday night it didn't bother me but it did last night. I finally got a comfortable level and was fine but I recall the speaker pillow was really good.
I'm trying to brush up on my Spanish and I figured that a good way would to get my "ear"in tune by letting it play when I was asleep. I read Spanish fairly well up to a point; I'm rusty. But understanding spoken Spanish is difficult for me because I've never got to use it. I'll let you know if I can detect an improvement. I plan on making recordings of my own voice soon and see if that will help with my spoken Spanish, too.
I began editing The End of Winter this morning. Yes, this morning at 7 a.m. I wanted to start this weekend but when I'm so mentally stressed and tired I simply can't function. I was very upset by not being able to do any writing this weekend. This particular story is probably one of my favorites and I'd really like to get it presentable. I have a good group of writers whose opinions I trust so I think I'll know if it is worth the effort. But if I can't keep my focus I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm beginning to think I'll never be clear headed again. Surely if I can crank out 20,000 in one week I can edit an already written work!
Now, I should get back to work. I'm here twiddling my thumbs and I'm thinking about asking to leave a bit early today. I have 3 hours of personal time and if I don't take it I will lose it at the end of the year. Maybe I should wait until Friday and take it all? I'm already wanting to go home so I don't know.
Hope you all have a good Tuesday.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Understatements
It isn't fair you know. To be isolated like this. To wake up and go to bed in this cave. I wish I had saved all my vacation for the month of December. I'd catch a plane and go somewhere that there is sunshine, heat and people. I didn't.
I will never love snow or the thought of snow again.
I'm about as tired tonight as I can ever remember being. And I did very little this weekend but sit and keep a tight rein on my emotions. But they still slipped the reins and took off across the field. I was left behind in a heap.
Now, I want to lie down but I have things I'd like to do. I wanted to write but I can't think. I wanted to read, but I can't think. I wanted to watch something, but I can't think.My brain seems to be straining to even get this simple, unimaginative post out. I've had a headache all day but am too frightened anymore to take the meds for it. Ludicrous.
I'm going to bed. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Ain't it the truth.
I will never love snow or the thought of snow again.
I'm about as tired tonight as I can ever remember being. And I did very little this weekend but sit and keep a tight rein on my emotions. But they still slipped the reins and took off across the field. I was left behind in a heap.
Now, I want to lie down but I have things I'd like to do. I wanted to write but I can't think. I wanted to read, but I can't think. I wanted to watch something, but I can't think.My brain seems to be straining to even get this simple, unimaginative post out. I've had a headache all day but am too frightened anymore to take the meds for it. Ludicrous.
I'm going to bed. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Ain't it the truth.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Holiday Hells
I don't think we generally use the term holiday juxtaposed with the term hell but it has a certain ring to it, don't you think? I think so... today.
What are these Holiday Hells? Amazingly enough they are everywhere.
Yards filled with elf, snowman, or Santa balloons half filled with air. I passed one the other day of a toy soldier who had lost half his air. He was bent at the waist, his face near the ground, one arm raised. He looked like he was praying. What does a toy soldier, an air filled toy soldier, have to do with Christmas? Maybe he was praying, asking the same question.
Stores with long lines of people who are generally in a nasty mood because they are having to stand in a long line to buy gifts for people they don't actually like anyway. Or complaining because they can't afford it and will be miserable into June because they spent too much.
Traffic jams at already poorly planned intersections, where horns blow for no apparent reason and to no apparent effect except to annoy those of us waiting patiently for the moron at the front of the line to realize the whole world has stopped in their tracks and is waiting for them to GO ON!
Christmas songs, with few religious ones, in every store in town that play over and over and over beginning in August and that we are all heartily sick of by December 1 but still have four weeks of them left. We don't even hear the words anymore, never mind feel the spirit that they were originally written to express.
Oh Holy Hell is what you hear the stressed mother in the toy aisle singing because she's trying to shop with her children and they are kicking and screaming and throwing tantrums because she won't let them pick up every item on the shelf. She's forgotten all about the wonder of the Holy Night. And Silent Night? That won't happen until after the kids are in bed and she can pull the plug on the television that had been running for 12 hours because her husband has been glued to the sports channel.
And my own personal holiday hells?
Waking up every few hours to pain strapped around my shoulders like a yoke.
Dragging myself out of bed for church and wondering why I have to live another day with this kind of pain, without Jerry. Wishing my children would go to church with me but knowing there is no point even asking anymore.
Sitting through worship service at church, clutching a fist of tissue until it is little more than dust so I can keep some of my dignity and composure while actually wanting to crawl under the pew and scream and scream and scream.
Enduring hugs from wonderful, well-meaning friends who tell me to hang on, it gets better.
Finding the sun shining as I come out of the church and as I head toward home, thinking how nice it would be if Jerry and I could take a drive somewhere this afternoon all while realizing it will never happen again.
Watching my son do something the way his father always did it.
Happy Holidays.
What are these Holiday Hells? Amazingly enough they are everywhere.
Yards filled with elf, snowman, or Santa balloons half filled with air. I passed one the other day of a toy soldier who had lost half his air. He was bent at the waist, his face near the ground, one arm raised. He looked like he was praying. What does a toy soldier, an air filled toy soldier, have to do with Christmas? Maybe he was praying, asking the same question.
Stores with long lines of people who are generally in a nasty mood because they are having to stand in a long line to buy gifts for people they don't actually like anyway. Or complaining because they can't afford it and will be miserable into June because they spent too much.
Traffic jams at already poorly planned intersections, where horns blow for no apparent reason and to no apparent effect except to annoy those of us waiting patiently for the moron at the front of the line to realize the whole world has stopped in their tracks and is waiting for them to GO ON!
Christmas songs, with few religious ones, in every store in town that play over and over and over beginning in August and that we are all heartily sick of by December 1 but still have four weeks of them left. We don't even hear the words anymore, never mind feel the spirit that they were originally written to express.
Oh Holy Hell is what you hear the stressed mother in the toy aisle singing because she's trying to shop with her children and they are kicking and screaming and throwing tantrums because she won't let them pick up every item on the shelf. She's forgotten all about the wonder of the Holy Night. And Silent Night? That won't happen until after the kids are in bed and she can pull the plug on the television that had been running for 12 hours because her husband has been glued to the sports channel.
And my own personal holiday hells?
Waking up every few hours to pain strapped around my shoulders like a yoke.
Dragging myself out of bed for church and wondering why I have to live another day with this kind of pain, without Jerry. Wishing my children would go to church with me but knowing there is no point even asking anymore.
Sitting through worship service at church, clutching a fist of tissue until it is little more than dust so I can keep some of my dignity and composure while actually wanting to crawl under the pew and scream and scream and scream.
Enduring hugs from wonderful, well-meaning friends who tell me to hang on, it gets better.
Finding the sun shining as I come out of the church and as I head toward home, thinking how nice it would be if Jerry and I could take a drive somewhere this afternoon all while realizing it will never happen again.
Watching my son do something the way his father always did it.
Happy Holidays.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Live from My Study, It's Saturday Night
I just got in from my friend's birthday party. I was so nice to see her and spend time with her. We met in college in 1989 and spent the next five years studying together and I've always missed her since we graduated. We've managed a few lunches since 1995 but jobs, families, and other things have prevented us being able to spend time together like we did when were were at school. We had those things then too but school was our escape.
I don't know if anyone could view the snowball fight video I uploaded. Seems some might not have been able to work it. I'm reposting it with Youtube so we'll see how it works.
I'm going for a hot shower. As I suspected, I didn't get to write today. No spare time anywhere but I have pulled off the first chapter of The End of Winter. I think I will start there. We'll see.
I don't know if anyone could view the snowball fight video I uploaded. Seems some might not have been able to work it. I'm reposting it with Youtube so we'll see how it works.
I'm going for a hot shower. As I suspected, I didn't get to write today. No spare time anywhere but I have pulled off the first chapter of The End of Winter. I think I will start there. We'll see.
Snowball Fight
A good friend of mine posted this for my daughter-in-law's birthday. It is just too funny! Go watch...
Snowball fight
Snowball fight
Friday, December 11, 2009
Are We Having FUN Yet!
Of course we are! I'm really excited about starting my challenge tomorrow. I have a blast with NaNo and it seems as if that is the kind of craziness I thrive on writing wise. I've provided helps to keep track and now the rest is up to us.
I've got a couple of NaNo'ers joining me. But you don't have to be a NaNowrimo to participate in this challenge. Just love to write. Remember you set the total goal, divide it up and write the appropriate number of words each day that wiil get you to the big finish.
Cass, I think Nina is going to join Multiply so who knows, she may catch the late train.
I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night. Shhhh, it is a surprise so I won't breath a word until after the festivities. She isn't on this blog but I don't know if she reads my blogs! So, quiet!
I had a busy day at work and am thoroughly tired. Sitting four hours in a chair watching the overhead and computer screen for training is a literal pain in my neck. I'm going to the shower soon and then, I plan on pulling up my old NaNo and see if it is up for rewrite. I want to work on an existing work so it will be a bit harder to count my words. I"ll have to do a bit more math. I hate math.
By the way, I've fallen apart about every day this week, usually at night around bedtime. Particularly when I turn out the lights and look at the ceiling with the tiny glowing stars we put up. How will I ever take them down to paint now?
I think I'm more or less learning that it is going to happen. I can't prevent it, stop it, or make it any better. I've managed to gather some wonderful people around me that are just tremendous at popping in with a call, email or lunch (feeding the wounded is ingrained in all of us) and they have made life tremendously easier to cope with. I'm grateful for that. The night the writers group is here are so filled with laughter that is is very difficult to be depressed afterward. Of course, I manage somehow 8-(. I seem to love a challenge.
I'm finding nights in general a real problem at the moment . . . yes, I know, again. Look I have no idea what comes next. I don't like this position I'm in. If Jerry were alive, I'd be ranting and raving at him for doing this to me. That's stupid. I wouldn't be in this position if he were. I'd throw something, I'm sure. . . . . not that I ever did that before.
It is just so frightening to be approaching this . . . this deadline. I've considered what I'd be doing on the critical days the 25th, 11th, & 29th. It defies me because I don't want to think about them. So, I don't. . . much. A little.
For now, shower. Later, plotting.....
I've got a couple of NaNo'ers joining me. But you don't have to be a NaNowrimo to participate in this challenge. Just love to write. Remember you set the total goal, divide it up and write the appropriate number of words each day that wiil get you to the big finish.
Cass, I think Nina is going to join Multiply so who knows, she may catch the late train.
I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow night. Shhhh, it is a surprise so I won't breath a word until after the festivities. She isn't on this blog but I don't know if she reads my blogs! So, quiet!
I had a busy day at work and am thoroughly tired. Sitting four hours in a chair watching the overhead and computer screen for training is a literal pain in my neck. I'm going to the shower soon and then, I plan on pulling up my old NaNo and see if it is up for rewrite. I want to work on an existing work so it will be a bit harder to count my words. I"ll have to do a bit more math. I hate math.
By the way, I've fallen apart about every day this week, usually at night around bedtime. Particularly when I turn out the lights and look at the ceiling with the tiny glowing stars we put up. How will I ever take them down to paint now?
I think I'm more or less learning that it is going to happen. I can't prevent it, stop it, or make it any better. I've managed to gather some wonderful people around me that are just tremendous at popping in with a call, email or lunch (feeding the wounded is ingrained in all of us) and they have made life tremendously easier to cope with. I'm grateful for that. The night the writers group is here are so filled with laughter that is is very difficult to be depressed afterward. Of course, I manage somehow 8-(. I seem to love a challenge.
I'm finding nights in general a real problem at the moment . . . yes, I know, again. Look I have no idea what comes next. I don't like this position I'm in. If Jerry were alive, I'd be ranting and raving at him for doing this to me. That's stupid. I wouldn't be in this position if he were. I'd throw something, I'm sure. . . . . not that I ever did that before.
It is just so frightening to be approaching this . . . this deadline. I've considered what I'd be doing on the critical days the 25th, 11th, & 29th. It defies me because I don't want to think about them. So, I don't. . . much. A little.
For now, shower. Later, plotting.....
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