Early Birds and Worms

I'm on my way to work this rainy day. Weather has cooled again so back to the sweaters.

I added my latest puzzle photo. It is coming along. I will have to do another "dark" one so you can see how the glow is progressing. Mike saw it last night and said, "You ought to frame that one, Mom. It's going to be cool."

I may do that. It is cool.

I had a very bad night and have had very little sleep but there is a move briefing today so must go to work. I don't believe I'll be going to the cemetery very often for a while. It is not good for me. I had to call Mike to come over about 10:00 and stay with me a while.

I'm cleaning out contacts again. I do this periodically. I get rid of blank or MIA's. Those who with empty blogs or who've been gone for a year or who're now posting things I don't find interesting. In previous purges, those purged never noticed! I've never heard a word from them and they still don't post. Half a dozen no longer have a blog, I've checked! So, spring cleaning begins.

Don't worry, those of you who've been here a while know who you are and that you're safe! LOL! .

Puzzling Preoccupation

Much is begin said about my puzzling attraction to puzzles. I'll use this post to answer some of the question.

No, I don't frame them. I take them apart and put them away until I want to do them again. I have several and I share them with my uncle at times. Puzzles are 100% recyclable. They are the perfect gift. If you hate it, you can find someone else to give it to who will love it. Many people in my family love puzzles. And even those who say they don't like them get hooked walking by on occassion. They almost always stop and try a few pieces.

I have been doing puzzles since I was big enough to stand at the table with Mama. I remember "helping" her when I was probably not much older than Sarah. I think the brain has to be wired for this. I love mysteries of any sort and figuring out how things work. I like fairly complicated puzzles. I don't want very simply ones. I'm done too fast. I have to have at least 750 pieces or better and the picture must be interesting or beautiful. Or both. I've been doing paintings lately and they tend to be the most difficult. Brushstrokes are a nightmare to figure out. Is it a leaf or a drop of paint?

I love sewing probably for the same reason I love puzzles. It is putting pieces together to form a picture. When you work puzzles, you think of nothing else. You are looking for patterns and it takes nearly your whole concentration. They are very theraputic and engrossing. But I do not sit for hours on end. I may but not usually. I usually sit down for a short time and work a section. I don't try and see the big picture from the beginning except to see where things go. I look at the small sections, a leaf, a knot on a tree, the way the snow lies in the current effort. I separate the outside from the inside and then sort by patterns, colors, and visible objects. Hence, the train came together very quickly.

Puzzles are very good to keep the brian active. They stimulate parts of the brain that are often affected in alzheimer's disease. The younger you start the better you are at them. They help develop other areas of the brain improve functions related to geometry and mathematics.

Everyone benefits from putting them together. If you do it as a family, as we did when my aunt, uncle and sisters were here, it is a lot of fun. Everyone works on a section but they will often find pieces you're looking for. One night three of us put together a 750 piece puzzle in about three hours time. That was astounding and we couldn't stop.

Sarah already has several puzzles and we sit and put them together with her. She needs help on some and others she has already learned for herself. She loves puzzles.

I see several weeks of work on the current puzzle. It is on a table, out of the way but conveniently located for me or anyone to work on it. I can work on it and listen to music or even listen to a program, bearing in mind I will miss a bit of the program here and there. But I"ve developed an ability to work on these and listen to other things. How many of you read and watch t.v.? My sisters and I all do.

So, you can see I am an avid puzzle fan. And I strongly encourage others to try them. Particularly if you need a strong diversion. It does work. Start small. A puzzle that is 250 pieces is very small and won't take forever. It is not overwhelming and will still present a challenge to the neophyte.

I'm off to bed now. Yes, very early for me. I took one of my Doxepin at 6 and by 9 p.m. I was groggy. I hope this is readable. It sure was hard to write. LOL

Sunday School

I'm up and dressed and waiting for Mike to get here. I called to see if Sarah was going to go with me this morning but once again, she is not up.

I've very disappointed in this. Jerry and I were faithful to see that our sons were in church, even if one was sick the other took the children. Our sons were faithful until they met women who were not as faithful. One girl was a preacher's daughter but looked for every reason not to go to church. Thankfully, she and Mike had no children before she decided to divorce him. He has never been the same, but he does try. I thought David's wife was different in that respect but it is becoming more and more apparent that it isn't going to happen.

I love my daughter-in-law, truly. But she makes excuses. She doesn't work and is home all week but she had to stay up Friday and Saturday night so she and her mom could clean the two bedroom apartment. ????? So, what is going on all week? Well, Sarah has been sick some but five days and no cleaning? And there is a pattern here. This is the norm after she attends any church for a period. Excuses. Why don't people just stand up and say, "I don't believe. I don't love God. I don't want to go to church. I don't like church." Excuses are just lies. I can't stand that.

Mother's are the first example their children see. What you do is what they will do. What you think will be mirrored in their attitudes and thoughts. How you behave will be how they behave. If you are faithless, so too will they be. Children of smokers often smoke. Children of alcoholics often become alocholics. Children of abusers often become abusers. Children of faithless parents are usually faithless. This is borne out in the Bible. Like the children of Israel who married the pagan conquered peoples around them, my sons married uncommitted women and have become lax and faithless.

Admittedly they had a problems before they married but had they married committed women, the chances are they would have become more committed. The Bible is filled with such stories. There is a reason for that. My sons' lives show this as well. Failure after failure because they have walked away from their heritage. If you aren't a believer, you won't understand this and that's ok.

Faithfulness to God is filled with overflowing blessings. And to whine about your life or a problems when you are unfaithful to God is ludicrous. My poor Jerry missed church for three weeks before he died. I remember his sadness and depression over this. How badly he wanted to be there. But he was so tired and he overslept. He couldn't figure out why he was so tired and neither could I. I just though he was working too hard. I was having pain problems so I let him sleep. I wish I'd wakened him so he could have had his hearts desire for a bit longer.

And my granddaughter is learning her faithfulness from her parents. They are her example. Their attitudes toward the house of God are being formed. Sarah hates sunday school because she's ever been in one for very long before they start missing.

I've vented enough. If I say all this to my children, they will be angry. They will if they read it too but I am not accountable to them for this. I am only accountable to God in my efforts to point my children in the right direction. I see my daughter-in-law as one of my children because I see such potential in her life. And the loss of that potential will impact Sarah.

The housework is more important that that, I suppose.



How I wish my sons could have his hearts desires.

Late Night Struggles

I've been off the meds for days now and I understand the addiction potential of Xanax. It has been very difficult, evenings especially. I miss Jerry coming home and chatting a bit before bed.

I took flowers to the cemetery today and found that his stone had arrived and was set. It was so hard. Somehow that stone made it final. His name carved there meant he isn't coming back.

This can't be happening. Every night I struggle with going to bed. I lay there in the dark and cry until I am worn out and wonder how long this will last. How long do I keep feeling like my chest will explode? How long do I stop feeling as if I too am dying? As if I've lost half myself?

I dusted the study and ran the vacuum today. And I walked around and realized that this house is too big for one person. It's empty of warmth and light. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't know if I will stay here or not. I have a lot of repairs to do and once they are done, I could leave if I wanted to. I'll have a small income that would help me relocate if need be.

But Jerry is here, three blocks away, but here. He is here in the house, around every corner, in photos, in his favorite shirt in the closet. In my head and heart and the breath I breathe. I don't know how to go beyond this point and it hurts.

I am finding that I don't want to talk to people or go anywhere. My aunt calls several times a day and I know she worries. My brother calls and he is learning to use his computer on the road.I've been helping him set up his messenger and learn to use it. He's never done that before. So I talk but when I'm done, I just feel so isolated and hollow. I realize that I am feeling something I have never in my life remembered feeling for any length of time. Abject loneliness. Soul engulfing aloneness. I've never before experienced such absence of presence.

I can't get to sleep and then I don't sleep well. I'm beginning to feel that lack. Tonight, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed and try to get up for church tomorrow.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I stopped taking the Xanax two days ago. I do not like having my brain cloudy for hours at a stretch. I can't get a lot done when I take it. At night I spend the evening in a drowsy state where I can't really read or think well. So, I'm dealing with reality. And I don't know if I'm doing it well or not.

Last night was horrible but not as horrible as February. I slept terribly. I am to see the grief counselor today. It probably useless. I think the blog is much more effective at working out emotions.

I've discovered that pills soothe the conscience. One doesn't feel very guilty about anything on pills. One doesn't worry about a lot either. Life sort of drifts by in a daze and you really don't care. When something upsets you, you feel competent to handle it, after you take a nap. You hurt a bit but the pills convince you that it isn't too bad and you'll be fine, you'll get through this. . . with their help. Just like Alice in Wonderland with her little bottle that said "Drink me" they call to you.

That's not living. So, I fired them. And today, my pain levels are rising because of that choice. Lack of sleep and stress. I guess some of the pain I have is anxiety related. But at least I can feel something. The doctors will not be happy.

I still have the pills if it becomes unbearable. I can always jump through the looking glass again.

Another Loss

I'm not feeling well today. I'm all right but my heart is heavy with another loss and I can't repair this any more than I can the other. Until this morning I didn't know how to deal with it. Today, I'm tired. I realized this morning I no longer care about certain things. The impact things have on me has shifted. I don't know why or how or if it is permanent. I just know I've changed.

Someone at work told me they knew I was stressed yesterday and I seemed much calmer today. I looked at her and said, "Today I don't really care." She laughed and I said, "Really. I'm tired and I just don't care about anything."

I'll probably be posting about what brought this on. Now is not the time. I am still sorting out my feelings and frustrations. One thing it did for me is make me re-evaluate some of the ideas I had about possibly relocating. It clarified to me who I am, where I belong, and why I ended up where I am. The glaring light of reality cleared that right up. I'd known it before but I had forgot. I won't forget again. I'll come back here and read my posts just so I can keep my path straight.

Prayer Request

I am posting this only for my contacts. Our family has had another tragedy that I am unable to discuss here. My sister Roselynn and her family need prayer now. God knows what is going on, so please just lift her and her family up in prayer for a while.

What is Happening in My World?

Stolen from Riete first... and then Katey.

Outside my window ... gloom with a portent of rain.

I am thinking ... that I’m tired for some unknown reason.

I am thankful for ... the use of my hands and eyes

From the kitchen ... there is no sound. Could be because we aren’t speaking. Dishes are clean because I did them last night. I went and got Sarah and Becca and had a burger. Mike just ate in there and I'll have a couple of items but whatever.

I am wearing ... aqua sweater, black skirt, hose, and low heeled shoes I wear to work. Most comfortable shoe I’ve had in a long time. The hose keep my legs warm as I don’t wear slacks.

I am creating ... this post. I did write some last night on Mist for about five minutes and will probably get back to it soon.

I am going ... maybe take a nap to cure the tired? I have federal taxes to do for myself and state taxes to do for Mike, Sue, and me.

I am reading ... “Through a Season of Grief” by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard. I don’t know if it is good and I’m not sure it is helping but since it is single page readings, it is manageable under my current mental state. I can’t concentrate long. Also, blogs, which work well for short attention spans . . . unless they are as long as mine.

I am hoping ... that I regain my sanity, ability to think, write, and pay attention again.

I am hearing ... the television. Mike brought his antenna over out of sympathy and said he never watched t.v. anyway. Since he is partially deaf, I can hear everything he is watching.

Around the house ...there is nothing happening unless you count Mike on the phone.

One of my favorite things ... I can’t remember any …. Maybe I should do this again in a few years.

Plans for the rest of the week ... week? How about next five minutes or next five years. I have no plans except work and taxes.

Picture of where I would like to be .... There is no picture for that.

Explanations and Details

I left the impression in my last post that I thought badly of the people at my church. I don't feel that way at all. I don't mean to imply that these are not "good" people. They are wonderful people, those I know personally especially. Those I don't, well, I don't know but they seem so. As a whole, it is a great church to attend for prayer, praise and worship. Both my church and my son's outdid themselves when Jerry died. I would have been lost without their assistance. They know what to do and they did it well. One of the women there is a friend from college but much younger than I and with young children. She's a wonderful person but again, we are talking about a large age gap.

The realities are that I've always been disappointed. I have no social friends there at all. Over time, several became more friendly but I've been there for ten years and even today I could walk in, sit down, and leave without ever having anyone say a word to me or me to them. There are perhaps four or five women I am "friendly" with but I've never seen them socially unless it was a church function. So, I can't say I have any close friends there.

They've just never been friendly with me outside of church functions. I got to where I didn't really enjoy those because I ended up sitting alone with my husband and no one talked to us. Oh, I just remembered an amusing detail. Once, Mike, my oldest son, was about 15 or 16 and he felt bad for me because no one talked to me. He went to several women in the church and told them this and asked them to go talk to me. They told me about it and laughed. I did too, but had I been them, I'd have been embarrassed. They didn't appear to be.

Actually, the men are all much more sociable than the women! They all talk to me! But I can't very well become close friends with them!

I've seen a lot of people come and go and some I know were because they felt distanced. I'm sure that many people do care, they just can't be bothered by other people. Maybe they work, maybe they're sick, maybe they just are forgetful. But it takes a lot of effort to be a friend to someone.So, as a result of my "welcome" when we first went there, I make a point to welcome visitors more warmly, not the usual, single, "How are you, glad to have you" but a hug and smile, and my name and where do you live, I live in I work at, etc. If they come back, I try and always stop and chat a bit.

What I believe is that if you are see a person, you have an obligation to extend your hands in any situation. If I'm standing five feet from you I will acknowledge you, even if you haven't made eye contact. I'll usually go tap you on the shoulder. Most people think, "If I don't look at them, I don't have to talk to them". Humans do this in every social setting. It is why we can see a beggar on the street and never feel a thing. We don't look so they don't exist. It's simply not true. Even I've looked the other way but I try not to. But when someone is down, they can't see anything. It is up to those around them to assist.

Jerry and I chose this church for our sons after several visits. There was a group of wonderful young men that welcomed my boys. And the men welcomed my husband. My husband loved it and we remained even after our sons left. But the first two years, I hated it. I never wanted to go there but I did for them. I tried to make friends and just get acquainted with other women. I couldn't seem to get anywhere. I even invited one woman and her husband over to our house our first year there. She replied, "You and your husband are quite a bit older than we are." I was stunned and never ever tried that again. Later I learned I am four years older than she...the same age as her sister!

However, I continued to go for my family. I believe that God blessed me in other ways because of that. Over time, I learned to love the pastor and his wife. They so obviously care for these people. And when she died, it was terrible. He is older, too and we will, at some point, have a transition. It has already begun. Jerry and I were uncertain if we would stay when that happened and now, I do not know if I will stay. The replacement is a good man and I believe sincere in his walk but I'm not crazy about it. I have prayed for God to give him wisdom and his wife also and to make them more approachable because since I've been there, they have been the most unapproachable people. Only in the last year has she really changed at all from hardly speaking to actually asking how I am.

But honestly, I don't know what my plans are at this point. I do not have a sense of loss at the thought of leaving there and that strikes me as odd. As I said, there are people I like there. But I don't think I'll be missed very much, if at all. I doubt anyone will notice when I'm gone, unless it is the pastor.

However, I never make such changes without praying about it first. When it is time, I'll leave. I'm not sure that isn't what I'm feeling now but they say don't make any decisions for at least three months. So, I'll wait. April will be three months.

When I was going to college, I attended a different church. They were pretty much the same way but even my husband and sons felt isolated. During that time, I prayed for a friend. I met a woman in college who became my best friend. She was not and is not a Christian. Since college we haven't seen each other much as we live in different towns about 20 miles apart. She teaches and I work so our lives have diverged. But I remember thinking, how sad that my best friend can't pray for me or share spiritual things. She was a non believer but she was such a good supportive friend in other ways. We'd study together and complain about our families, classes, professors and go to lunch and talk about the interest we did share. I'd pray for her but she just wasn't interested in religion. Still isn't.

Today, another one of my best friends is a person who doesn't share my beliefs but shares many of my hurts and frustrations. I can't sit and discuss a lot of things I would like to discuss but she is the person who, who alters her lunch plans to go meet me for lunch so I am not alone.

God uses stones if he can't use his people. And, then, He showed me blogging. And I have all of you with whom I can discuss all those other things!

I figured out long ago I don't go to church for friends. I go to worship. Real friends find you, you don't have to go searching for them.

Companions to Grief

There aren't any.Well, precious few.

I am working at home again today and I haven't even started. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I am going to have to take the medicines early I think. I called my doctor and the nurse called and said they will let me know if they want to change the medicines or if I can just take it earlier in the afternoon.

I am having the most trouble in the late afternoon and early evening. I am just panicky and more stressed. I don't take the medicine until nearly 9 so I can sleep but that hasn't been working well. I don't won't to go to bed too early cause I just get up earlier. I get up just in time to get ready and get to work so getting up earlier will only mean I am sitting here in this empty house longer in the morning.

I never see anyone but Mike. My sister comes by when she is off work at the same time I am but that is usually only once a week. My other son is around somewhere. He needed a ride to the park the other night so I got to see and talk to him then.

I went to church on Sunday but it is so difficult. And people don't really want to talk to the woman with the dead husband. I think about two people spoke to me Sunday night when I got to church. So, I just left the building as soon as church was over.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who has to have crowds oooohing over me. And I don't go to church for the people.... good thing, too. But you'd think people would actually care about the people who sit on the pews! The pastor has always called when we missed church. When Jerry died three people that I know about from the church called aside from the pastor and assistant pastor. I don't know who was at the funeral. I'm grateful for those who made the effort to be there and I think there were several but it wasn't about them. And there was ice everywhere and people had no power. But that's been a month and a half ago.

This is what is so stupid to me. I've had a couple of people say, "Now you call if you need anything." Helloooo, I'm the one with the dead husband. You call me to lift me up and encourage me. I shouldn't have to call you to say "talk to me, please so I can forget for five minutes!"

I only continued going to church there for Jerry. In fact, for the first two years, I didn't want to go there at all. He loved it and I do love the pastor and the services are wonderful. But frankly, in a church of a couple of hundred people, I can list on one hand the number of people who even speak to me when I am there. And those people do say they love me.

I live 15 miles one way from the church. There are several churches closer to me. That should tell people something about me. At nearly $4 a gallon we still drove there to church.

I had a conversation with a person from the church a week after the funeral where I related something about myself. They looked at me and said, "I had no idea of that about you." I wanted to say "Really? Wonder why that is?" This was not someone I rarely see or say hello to. See, I do say hello. I even stand in the foyer and look around me after church Well, I used to. Recently, I've stopped bothering.

Maybe I don't get involved enough. I work five days a week and Saturday is my only day to get caught up at home. But when I did the church paper for six year and worked on the monitor system, it was no different.

I think the problem is that I don't belong to a clique. I'm the wrong size or my teeth aren't white enough or straight enough, or my color matching is off somehow. Someone told me once that I looked too smart! LOL, really. Can't remember who that was or where but they said people don't want to talk to someone who looks like they are very smart. That's so stupid that I suspect it is true.

Tell me something, is it me or are church families actually supposed to converse? I grew up in a small church where I adored everyone and they adored me. I talked with every person in the church and if I didn't they wanted to know why. It was a small town and a small church. But I've been many places since then and I've watched the trend. So, what has happened to the church? Or have things changed since I grew up?

I live 12 hours from all of my family. I get a call every single day from someone in my family... long distance is free for most of us now-a-days. They call to see how I am or just to tell me about their day. I suppose they feel they have to do this? No, they do it because they love me and are concerned. And you know what, when I hear from them so often, I feel I should actually return the calls! I want to know how they are!

Imagine that.

I guess I feel uncared for by the "saints". Let me see. "Pure religion and undefiled is......" anyone care to finish that scripture? It is in James 1:27.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

Oh.

What hypocrites we are. That or I'm just not a member of the family.

O.k., I've had my whine and I'm now hungry so I'll go have the cheese. I'm feeling much too sorry for myself and that leads to depression - which I refuse to add to the rest of my troubles.

I promise not to run everyone down so much. You really do find out who cares when trouble comes your way. I do not know how I would have made it without my family and my friends here and at work. I know you think it may sound crazy but just getting a single note from someone is so comforting. Someone thought about you. Someone actually cared enough to say so. Thank you.

And I'm sorry if I've neglected any of you during all of this. I'll try and do better. I don't want to be one of those who passes by when someone is in need, who can't be touched by another's grief or pain.

Senseless

I don't know why every night when I start home I get sick to my stomach. I just do. The whole drive home I am nauseous. I feel as if I am going to throw up and the thought of food is horrible. Every day.Mike is here each evening waiting for me and stays until about 9 p.m. so I am not alone then.

When I leave the house for any reason, on my way back I feel this same sickness. I find myself using up my cell minutes to talk to someone while I am driving, something that is a cardinal sin in my view. I never ever talk on the cell and drive. I forbid my sons to drive and talk on the cell with me in the car. I never allow it, ever. Yet now, every time I am in the car on my way home, I call someone to keep me from being sick. But it doesn't really work. I still feel sick.

After work I came home and then, I went and got Sarah and her parents. I took them to the park down the street for a bit and then took them back home. Same reaction. Heading home made me ill.

I don't know why. Dread maybe, of coming home. I don't have anywhere to go and no one to see. This is my home. . . was my home. I sit here looking around and listening. It isn't home anymore. I don't care about it anymore.

A Fool Returns

I told y'all he'd come back! He did. The Prince1956 of fools sent me a second invitation to be his wife! What an idiot! He can't even read English.

You know, I think this nut is Arab. His site looked like it. So, if America is such a great Satan and a bunch of infidels, why don't you folks leave our women alone? Particularly this one. I'm not interested in any society that views women as property and inferior to men.

He's blocked now.

The Well Read. . .

I got this from Jilly’s blog and it looked interesting. Here’s what she said.

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?
Instructions:
Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read - even those you've read more than once! Make sure you delete my X's! When you've finished, tag 10 people to do it too, and put your total at the bottom.
OK fellow bookworms, let's fight dirty!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible - X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier X
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins X
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood X
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zifon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas X
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole X
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas X
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

My total = 21

Cheated I am! They didn’t list the entire Tolkien series or all of Sherlock Holmes! And who in heaven would voluntarily read War and Peace? I’ve seen several of these in movie form. And some I started but they were just too boring to finish.

The Bronte sisters and Miss Austin were just so dull for me and I just didn't get them. Of course, I don't like modern romances either!

The books unchecked are books I actually chose NOT to read. I'd say there are maybe 10 that I never heard of at all.

I don't think this is necessarily a list of "must reads" but some pompous academic's idea of what the educated person would read. What? Harry Potter? Really? I don't think so. Perhaps she is a good writer. Never read her but how does reading her make you any better a person or better educated or . . . anything. My writing prof in college had The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on HIS must read list! But he also suggested "Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" as well! I didn't rush out to read it but I've considered it a few times. Well, maybe not.

Anyway, take a crack at the list and see how you rate. I figure I'm average.

Idiots Among Us

I kid you not. They still roam the earth freely. And they find their way to my door or my site frequently.

Prince1956 just invited me to be his wife.

First, I doubt seriously you're a prince of any kind.

Second. I wouldn't insult the memory of my husband of 35 years with an internet relationship a month after his death. And not ten years with someone like you. You are a fool.

Third, I wouldn't insult my own intelligence by even considering a connection with you. Read the @#$!@#%#@$ blog, you moron. I am very careful to outline my criteria. I haven't checked your site but you've left no doubt as to your character . . . or your stupidity. I don't do stupid on a good day and you picked a very bad day.

Fourth, any idiot who would even approach a woman like me with an invitation like that is the biggest brainless wonder on the planet. I fervently pray there is NO woman that stupid.

I haven't blocked you, Lurch, because I sincerely hope you return long enough to read this. I'll block you after that.

For my friends who don't know what Lurch is, look up the Addams Family t.v. program and check out the butler. He's a real charmer, too.

This Is the Way We. . .Clean The House

All on a Saturday morning.

Sue is coming over to clean my house. That is Becca's mom. I am going to do her taxes for free so it works for me.

My house is in dire need of it. Not since the funeral has it has a thorough cleaning. I walk around and pick up things but cleaning seems to take a part of the brain that has stopped functioning for me. I wash dishes about ever other day but since it is mostly glasses and utensils, I just don't care anymore. Funny, that used to be a pet peeve when I came home from work.

Of course, I've still got fake plates that people brought for the family to use the week Jerry died and I have used those nearly every day. There are even fake utensils that I've been using. So really the dishes have only been bad when someone else came and cooked and I let them clean up the mess.

Every thing is dusty and needs a mop up too. She is a very good cleaning person. Actually gets behind the toilet! My house always smells so good once she is done.

I need to throw out a pile of stuff. There seems to be junk everywhere but when I look at it I simply stand and stare and have no idea what I am supposed to do. I am not going to be able to function like this. I have to do something but everything is too much work.

I pulled back some of the curtains this morning to allow the sunshine to come in. It is a dark gloomy tomb and I am hoping sunlight will at least push back some of the shadows. I don't imagine it will last very long but just an hour or two of sanity without having to drown myself in some project would be nice.

Already, the drop in my mood is happening. I woke up with it and have not been able to shake it. I'm really tired, as if I didn't rest or something. Those pills are supposed to insure I do. I took a whole one last night and I may today if I can't shake this.

I have to go eat too just in case this shakiness is hunger instead of anxiety.

Oh, I just want my life back. The boring one where Jerry slept in a chair while I did everything else and fussed about it. The one where I could hear him breathing. I wouldn't fuss anymore, I'd just do it.

Old Songs

I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.

The rest of the song is lost in the darkness of the storm.

What a miserable day.

No Escape

Today I am at home reviewing files. This is one of those days my boss suggested I take. Today is NOT a good day for me. Once in awhile I think I am going to go crazy with the barrage of memories, regrets, what ifs, and why didn't I. I get distracted and try to do something constructive only to be slammed again with it all.

I don't know if I have an analogy for what this is like. I can't compare it to anything really. When I was in college psych class, we studied various tests that had given insight into mental illnesses. There was one where a dog was placed in a pen with a bottom that could deliver a small shock. There was a low wall dividing this cage into two section. The floors were independent of one another also. They put this dog in there and sent a charge through the floor. He, logically, jumped the wall to the other side. No shock... for a bit. Then, they shocked that floor. He jumped back over the divider. No shock. Again, this process is repeated over and over until finally, the dog sits in a corner and never moves, despite repeated shocks beneath him. He's reached the hopeless stage where he knows there is no real escape, no real release. So, he sits, no longer even trying to get away from the relentless shocks. If left in this state, he will die because he has become hopeless and given up.

That's as close as I can come to how this feels. Shock, escape, shock, escape, shock. It never ends. There's no way out. No escape.

Broken Switches

It seems that every switch to every part of my brain has broken. When I need to think clearly, I can't. When I don't want to remember things, I can't forget. When I need to remember things, I forget. When I try and shut off the fear, I'm overwhelmed. When I try not to cry, I cry. When I laugh, I feel guilty. When I breath, it hurts.

Nothing is working right. Nothing has worked right since January 29. Every thing I was disappeared in a dark frozen night. When the sun came up, I was somewhere else, somewhere I've never been, where I don't know anyone, where no one knows me. I keep looking for the switch to open the gates. They're all broken, too.

I can't get back. I'm caught in a place where nothing is stable or secure. The ground is constantly shaking under my feet. Flight or fight is a continuous struggle in my gut. I feel as if I've been running or as if someone is lurking around the corner to jump out at me.

I'm going to bed. I'm suddenly very tired.

As Deep as A Grave

I finally figured it out last night. I lay in the dark and truly listened to the sound that has been bothering me so much for weeks now.

It is the sound of nothing, no sound of life, as if all life is shut out. As I lay in my bed, I could almost feel the darkness close itself around me. The house creaked and snapped as the dirt settled over the top of it.

I used to love silence.

Results

My doctor says all my numbers are perfect... except my BP. I've been issued a diuretic. Y'all know what I'll spend the day doing tomorrow? And it is recertification day.... 160 people in 4 hours for six case managers.

He wants me to continue the Xanax but half in the morning and a whole one at night for the next two months. I agreed but when I tried a half one on Saturday, by noon I was feeling it. This is not an anti-depressant. I'm not depressed. There is no dark cloud hanging over my head. I've known severe depression and this isn't it. But it could lead to that.

So, I'll take the drug for now. I do not like mood altering medications. I don't believe in taking them for extensive periods. This particularly med is very addictive they say and I would think so. You don't worry on it. We live in a society where worry is killing us.

I realize now that part of Jerry's worsening depression problem was another symptom of his heart problem. I can't go there now but so many things have become so very clear where his health is concerned and I can't believe that some of the doctors he was seeing never connected these things. He saw the pill pusher about every two or three months. No heart scan for a guy who kept saying he was tired all the time and needed B12 injections? Why would you give those to him all the time and not check to see why he was tired? Did she check his b12 levels? My doctor is doing that. Why didn't she?

I'm going to ask for copies of the medical records and talk to an attorney. I want to know exactly what kind of treatment my husband got or didn't get.

Anyway, physically, I'm probably fine. Watch my diet, exercise, and take the meds and I'll be fine. As long as I don't think a whole lot. My BP is a problem and has been for a while. Not excessively high but not where it should be. I am genetically predisposed to High BP, diabetes, and heart disease. {sigh} And I did aerobics and exercised faithfully for 30 years. So, don't tell me it is all about exercise.

Getting ready to go to bed now. I hope you are all doing well. Please say a prayer for Roselynn. She is going through a difficult problem right now and is also looking for a job. Anyone job hunting probably knows what she is facing there.

Do I feel better? For the next five minutes maybe I will. Or maybe the next 12 hours. I don't know.

Some Days . . .

You just don't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel at all well or rested this morning. I kept having dreams of Jerry walking down the hall, smiling at me or coming around a corner, smiling at me. He was always smiling at me. I even dreamed he was lying next to me with his arm across my waist. I could actually feel the weight of his arm. But I woke up.

I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.

I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.

I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.

It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".

I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.

Here is one:

Ephesians 5:15-17 (King James Version)

¹⁵See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,

¹⁶Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

¹⁷Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

More Reports on Guardasil

I did several post on this vaccine last year and have been watching for further information ever since. This morning in my email I found these reports. If you have a daughter you want to get this shot for, please do your research first. I have a granddaughter and I dearly hope she never takes this medication.

Maybe I'm just stupid but I can't believe anyone would give a medication to their children without asking for information on side effects up front. I do this each time a doctor wants to change my medications. And since the internet, I look for clinical studies on them. It is in the clinical studies that you find out exactly what happened to people while it was being studied on humans. Be advised, there is even some of that information that is not released.

http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2009/02/24/Spain-Withdraws-Gardasil-After-Illnesses.aspx
http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gIPeSOSkC3zU3Xd4HMRiovY9ri-Q

The Week Begins

We just got home from church about an hour ago. Mike with me. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stay. It is so difficult going to that seat and sitting there and Jerry isn't there next to me. So often he'd fall asleep sitting there and I'd be so embarrassed. I'd poke him. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't stay awake at times.

Tonight, I thought, I give anything in the world to be embarrassed if it meant he would be there next to me. And I'd give anything if the all the good memories would flood me as easily as the bad ones do. I have 35 years of memories and most were good ones. Yet, the last three years of our life together have been fraught with his pain and suffering and my frustrations and anger and those are the things that haunt me. The only ghosts in my house are of my own making.

A dear older lady in our church who lost her husband probably five or six years ago came over and spoke to me and said how glad she was to see me there. I just crumpled and said, "I don't think I can stay." She knelt beside me and said, "Oh yes you can." She talked with me a long time about her own experience when she lost her husband and she prayed for me.

I do have a good church. Several ladies came and prayed for me a bit later and of course, I believe in prayer. And I know there is no quick fix. Grief is like exercise. It only gets easier with time. God doesn't heal grief, he comforts. This morning while I sat in the morning service my Bible fell open to a passage I had, at some time in the past, marked in red. I do not recall when or why I marked it. I only mark passages that have special meanings or importance to me. Anyway, here is it.

Lamentations 3:22-26 & 31-33

²²It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
²³They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
²⁴The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
²⁵The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
²⁶It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

³¹For the LORD will not cast off for ever:
³²But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
³³For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

A Sunday

With chocolate sauce? No. Just a cold day. I went to church today and found myself frozen, not just with the chill outside but the one inside. Inside me. Everyone was so sweet and caring. They hugged me and prayed for me and just let me know how much they care. But I was like this huge block of ice.

I sat where we always sat. My aunt called a little while ago and asked why I didn't site somewhere else as I had planned to do. I couldn't. That is where Jerry would have wanted to sit. I didn't know where else to go.

And I stared at the wall where he often stood during the worship service. In my church, people will often move out to the front and the aisles to worship, some to sing, some to close their eyes to pray, some to stand and raise their hands and just offer praise,and some to lose themselves in a dance of joy. Jerry always found his spot along the wall with some of the other men and sometimes he'd clap his hands and sometimes he'd raise them. Sometimes he'd take Sarah if she was with us and she loved being where the action was. She's a little worshiper, you see. But I watch that spot and there was no one there. And I tried to see it but it was just a blank wall and I was too.

I don't remember much of the service, actually. I had taken that medicine and by about halfway through I needed to sleep. Mike and I stopped for lunch and then I came home and he went to his house. I don't think Mike is comfortable here in the house. He said last night he can't sleep here.

Anyway, I'm going for now. I think I will go snuggle under warm blankets and nap for an hour.

You should all go read my sister, Roselynn's blog. It is much more positive than this and I found it quite amazing. And encouraging for her.

The Bite of Bed Bugs

I've never seen a one, you know. Our house was always nice and clean. But lately, I've had my own version. Tonight is no exception. I just took my medicine about half an hour ago so I am hoping it will kick in soon.

I've been working on files this afternoon and tonight, between calls from my family. Both have been keeping me sane. I've found waiting too long between the medicine is not fun. I took a half one this morning so I could stay awake. But by noon, I knew I needed the other half. And I should have taken tonight's a bit earlier.

Around noon, I got a lovely card in the mail from a good friend who had also been at the funeral and she related a memory she had of Jerry and I. It was so painful I just fell apart again. It wasn't a bad memory. It was really something beautiful and perhaps someday I may be able to read it without dying inside. I'd like to think so but I am not really convinced. Guilt for all the forgotten things I should have done rolled back over me. He did love me. People saw it all the time. I wonder did I show that I loved him as much? I don't think I did. No one has ever said "I could tell you loved him."

I have a stack of files on my desk now, half a dozen. I've done well over a dozen today and a dozen still to go but I have time for the next batch later in the week. I am keeping away from any memory at all now. I can't think about anything. I have to regain my control and sanity. I can't function like this. I can't face another day. I can't sleep. I can't think. I don't want to.

How will I continue to exist with this weight crushing the breath from me? That's what it does. I can't get my breath at times. Like some fish cast onto the beach, struggling to find its way back to the water. I clutch something, my chest, my stomach, anything just to keep breathing and push back the hurt.

I have nothing to forgive Jerry for. It is all my own guilt. I can't get past it. I can't go around it and I can't climb over it. There is no escape from it. I've asked God to give me some acknowledgement that not only does he forgive me, but that Jerry does as well. Oh, I know that the last thing on Jerry's mind right now is me and my misery but how will I ever get past this point if I can't find some reassurance. I know that Jerry would never hate me but I do.

Perhaps Esau's problem was not that God would not forgive him. Perhaps Esau could never forgive himself.

Missing Pieces

I had a very odd day where nothing much got done. I was supposed to work on files and I had everything planned. I anticipated being ready for file work after noon.

I got up at 8 and I didn't want to but had to have lab work for my Monday doctor's appointment. I was supposed to have it on the 23rd but forgot. Can't imagine why. I didn't take medicine, eat or get my coffee because I wasn't sure if it was fasting or not and the order didn't say. I took the cautious side and didn't eat. I was there nearly an hour despite the fact that there were only two of us waiting for blood work. It was in the hospital out patient lab for heaven's sake.

Afterward, I stopped and got an OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's and ate in the car. That took only another ten to twenty minutes. I like those and it cleared up the hunger pangs.

Then, I went to the funeral home and met with them about the bill. I paid the funeral expenses. I've never written a check that large and it was frightening. And the process was stressful, too. Somehow, this made it final and I knew that I had to get home and take my medicine. It was nearly 11 by then.

Once I got the meds I lay on the sofa and fell asleep and slept until two p.m.! I woke up and still felt tired and had a headache, which I still have. But my counseling appointment was at three so I got my coat and left for that.

I don't actually know what happened at that session. I'm sure it was profound but I simply feel defeated. I'm searching for missing pieces to my puzzle, remember. I'm stressed because I want the whole picture but the missing pieces are preventing it. After searching the room, I suspect my puzzle had a piece missing all along. It is rare but it has happened. I can package the puzzle in the box and take it back to the store and exchange it for one that has all the parts. But I want to find the missing piece.

I will never find the missing piece to the puzzle on my coffee table. I've searched everywhere. Three or four times. It simply isn't here.

I want Jerry home. I want to know what happened. I want to know why I didn't see the whole picture.

And Jerry will never come home. I will never know what happened. I will never know why I didn't see the whole picture. I can't go get a replacement and start over.

I can only finish the puzzle with the missing pieces left out.

Midnight Wonderings

I am on my way to bed and decided to stop and put a few thoughts here. I am to see the counselor tomorrow at three. I have to go to the bank, go to the funeral home, and I have brought work home to do over the weekend.

I took my medicine later tonight and I am really tired now and can hardly keep my eyes open. Dave and Mike were both here earlier tonight. Mike left around 9 and Dave around 10. It is strange and I don't know what to make of it but tonight is the first time things have felt "normal", whatever that means. Maybe taking the medicine later makes it work better.

I stayed at work until 6 to tie up loose ends and I was beginning to feel a bit stressed by then. I almost took the meds when I got home but I don't think I can handle another sleepless night and function. I was really dragging the last two days and felt very down at times.

I am not crying at the drop of a hate but I am analyzing things to death. Perhaps not a good choice of words. I'm getting lots of calls from family and friends and that is helping keep me focused on other things for a bit. But the constant analysis of all that happened to Jerry are hard to deal with. I keep trying to understand what happened, how I missed so much, why he didn't talk to me.

I'm going to bed now. My eyes are just too heavy. Maybe tomorrow will bring answers that I can understand.

Night In An Empty House

It was three in the morning before I got to sleep after I went to bed last night. I don't know if that will happen tonight. I think part of the reason was I took my meds when I got home and went to sleep on the couch for about two hours. It happened again tonight.And it was worse because I was exhausted. Mike was here and tried to get me to go to bed but I was so sleepy I couldn't move. I finally got up when he left and have sat here watching a show on HULU.

I am tired but I am concerned I won't be able to get to sleep again. I see the counselor Friday and I will discuss the sleep problem then. I had a bad day today and if I don't get enough sleep, I may have a worse one tomorrow.

When I got home today I sat and cried for half an hour. Too many questions, regrets, anguish. Such anguish for all that is lost. It is just so empty here. I miss my family. Mike comes over and stays a few hours but MIke and I don't really talk. We are just together most of that time. He is in his own world and that is usually on the phone. It I had cable he would have sat down and watched his shows but I shut that off. We don't do things together. Although Saturday he wants me to go to the store with him to buy groceries. Dave and Becca and Sarah would come over if I asked but I find that my sweet Sarah is too much after a while. I get so tired and the noise begins to get to me. I don't understand that. I adore her and she is such a joy.

When I was at my aunt's I spent time doing things with them and putting a puzzle together with my uncle, watching television. I have a puzzle on the table now but I can't do it. The house is so empty. I feel like I am in a barn rambling around looking for someone.

How long does this last? What am I supposed to do? I can't really write, read, watch television... well, I've been watching videos that I fall asleep during, I can't listen to music, I can't think. I don't know what to do. I feel like running somewhere but there is no where to go.

This evening when I got home, I remembered when Mama died. I was 17 and Jerry and I had just started dating. I met him on November 27, 1973. She died January 2, 1974. I married Jerry on January 11, 1974. Yes, crazy. But it lasted 35 years. Well, we worked hard at it. But I remembered how he was there to pick up the pieces that my life had suddenly been shattered into. He helped me piece them together into a new life and although I suffered such heartache from her loss, he was always there to protect me and give me some sanity. Eventually, I was able to find my own path... but not alone. I don't like being alone in this sense. I like my personal time but Jerry was always in the next room or across the room. I had my own interest but he was always watching and smiling if I looked at him. He moved around and played the television too loud.

This. . . hollowness . . . void . . . this is unbearable. This directionless rambling is frightening. The lack of purpose is . . . is like death itself. I'm buried in a box in the ground.

Counting Days

I wonder when I will stop counting days. Every time I see a date I find myself saying things like "That was five days before Jerry died" or "that was ten days before Jerry died" or That was thirty days before Jerry died". I have never been so good a math as I am now. I look at posts that I wrote in the days before and I know exactly how many days it was done before Jerry died, how many days since Jerry died. The 29th of January has suddenly become some bizarre pivotal point in my life and everything I see, say, and do revolves around that date. I automatically calculate where the event lies in reference to the 29.

I also find I can't bear to look at the number 29! It is crazy. I know it i crazy.

I am spending my second night in a vacant house. I am constantly amazed at how empty the house feels. It never felt so before. Dave, Becca, Sarah, and Mike were here tonight for supper. Once they were all gone, I felt the breath leave the house, and the silence set in. I have been watching a video, but it doesn't matter. No sound seems to be able to break this deafening silence that hovers over the place. Even now, as I write, there is a stillness and quiet that is unusual.

I love quiet and have always hated constantly running televisions and radios or stereos. But this silence is unaffected by such things. My cable was disconnected today, and it was very strange to feel as if I should turn on the television since I didn't have that feeling when it was connected. Now, I feel it necessary to have sound.

So many odd things happening.

We notice that Sarah has become fearful for some reason. She stops and looks as if she is seeing something and then gets very frightened. She's doing this at home and here. Of course, I'm keeping a lot of lights off in rooms we are not in, but it is unlike her to experience any kind of fear here in the house. She is two and a half so it could be the terrible twos and a growing awareness of fear that is common to all children.

We also think she may be experiencing some grief and doesn't know how to express it. She knows he is gone. However, this apparent "seeing" things is not unusual for her. When she was less than a year old, we watch her once stare at a door and giggle and laugh for nearly half an hour. We couldn't figure out what she was laughing at since it was a closed door and there was nothing there and she was only an infant. So, we always wondered if Sarah could see angels. I don't know that she is seeing anything at this point, but I know little about such things. I've told her mother to have her prayed for in the event that she is experiencing some distress over all that has happened and it is manifesting as fear. Sarah was in the house the night Jerry died and did witness all the terrible emotional trauma. She had to be affected by it. Pray for her.

It is late again. I must go to bed.

On The Edge

I know I am insane. I know it all sounds so foolish and mixed up. I can't think straight half the time. I will be perfectly normal and it seems as if everything is just as it was. Then, something, a thought or word or fear will bring everything back.

Paying bills was hell. I kept going over how hard we had it for the last year because Jerry couldn't keep track of things and we kept getting overdrawn. I remembered at the first part of January I told him everything was going to be fine because he had finally let me have total control of the assets and we actually had a little money ahead for the first time in a year. He looked so relieved and almost happy. We talked about what we could do by the end of summer. Where we'd go. For the first time in two years we both felt hopeful and as if we had something to look forward to. How very stupid we were.

Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick;". I understand the depth of Jerry's despair. So much hope lost until his heart was too sick to bear it.. Today, I watched as all we'd hoped for slid down into the chasm at my feet.

Lost in the Fog

I've been paying the bills that are due and trying to figure out how I am going to manage to keep things going on half the income. I have no idea really. I've spent the day freaking out over it.

I called and cancelled the cable but have kept the internet and phone. I could cancel unlimited long distance but that will isolate me because I have no family here. I could cancel the internet but that too would further isolate me since I have some family on here and my internet contacts. I am not sure what to do there. I may have to look for a cheaper alternative but it will limit what I can do on here if I have to find a cheaper service.

For a long time we didn't have long distance but used a phone card we bought at Wal-mart or Sam's Club. We rarely ever used it up. But we had each other to talk to and the boys so we only called a few people. Those days are gone. Mike calls me several times a day because he is afraid for me. He just came over because he couldn't get me on the phone. I was on the phone with someone else and couldn't answer. He was terrified. My aunt and uncle are calling all the time as is my sister in Florida and one of my brothers. And I need the phone for local calls and if I needed help. I have to keep the phone.

My car is going to be the biggest problem and I know once the insurance comes through I can do something to fix that but I don't know how long it will take. I could refinance the house but as it is now, it will be paid off about the time I am retired and I can't see still having house payment debt hanging over my head at 62.

Let's just face it. If my job goes, everything goes now. So, it is rather pointless to even wonder what is going to happen since I do have an income. My necessities are all I am looking at but there won't be house repairs that were planned for the summer, or any other time.

I am going to ask the doctors to re-evaluate my medicines since my insurance is going up in June and I don't see continuing to pay nearly $200 a month in co-pays for medicine. The only things I will need for survival are the diabetic medicine and BP meds. The rest will just have to go. I will take something over the counter for the RA pain and deal with it. I have until June to get that worked out. That's when the insurance will go up.

I am going to probably cut my retirement deductions. I have a voluntary portion that I can cut that will give me about $50 more a month. That will pay the water bill I think.

I'm only thinking out loud here. I don't have a clue but this is the realities of death. The living have to figure out how to survive. My advice is you better start counting cost now.

I know that Jerry really believed I'd still get his disability check, despite my arguing with him that I would not. He never really believed It. Someone told him I would. I did the research through the VA and told him that was not true. He didn't believe me. I don't think he worried about me for that reason. Maybe that was why he didn't really take care of his own needs. Maybe he thought I'd be better off without him.

I have a job so that's a plus. It is a good job and as long as I have it I'll be able to live. I guess. I can keep the roof over my head, even if the walls fall off at some point. I can keep utilities on if I scrimp on them a bit. Dryer will be gone by the spring.. Clothesline will be up. I may or may not be able to keep my car but I have to try and keep it. No more cell minutes even if it is pay as you go. By the time I pay all the debts I have to pay I might be able to buy some groceries and gas for the car. No long trips either.

I just don't know what is going to happen. I've never been in such a dismal place except when Jerry and I both got out of work. But that was so long ago and we still had his disability to pay basics until we got on our feet.

I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired.

Wheaties in a Cup

I left the coffee on the warmer all night and didn't know it. I could stand a spoon in it but instead I have added my sweetner and creamer and am drinking it. I haven't eaten yet and I find my eating habits have diminished considerably. But since I may need to chew the coffee, I may be able to forego the wheaties all together. I actually hate Wheaties.

I woke up after a dream in which I was talking to someone. I don't know who but I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, "I am not going to listen to this. I'm not going to listen to this." It seems I was in a pleasant mood in the dream because I woke up at that point. But I have no idea what they were trying to say to me or who was saying it. I felt as if there were two people talking to me. And I want to know what they were trying to tell me. I believe in dreams. King David did, too, and so did several prophets. That's good enough for me.

Then, I got up and felt normal. The house is still empty, vacant, waiting for Jerry to come home. But no one is here with me. My sister had to be at work by 7.

Once up, I walked around talking about all my marriage. To no one? To God? To Jerry? {shrug} Don't know. Thirty-five years is a long time and over all, it was a happy life. Yesterday I broke at the memory of the birth of our children. He was there both times and who will I share that joy with now? The trips we took? Our cruise down the Rhein River when I was so pregnant with Mike and "Ring my Bell" was blaring on the lower deck so loud we had to sit top-side to avoid going deaf. It was freezing cold and I didn't have a jacket because the day had been warm. I curled up close to him and tried to stay warm and stared into the dark. I have no memory of our conversation, just a boat cruising along a German river in the dark disco music floating on the breeze.

We did have several bad spots about mid-way through th emarriage. Very nearly divorced about 1980, came very close indeed. But I prayed and fasted and I believe the Lord saved the marriage. Yet after that, we couldn't go back beyond that point in many ways. We still loved each other but the relationship was somehow different. He blamed himself and I blamed me. Still, we put it behind us and had wonderful times together. Until he began to get sick in 1989.

Gradually, his medical problems grew. He lost the job that made him proud and gave him dignity. He lost physical abilities that humiliated him. He couldn't get a good job - so much for taking care of Vets and giving them self-esteem. The VA and you employers out there, you don't give a tinker's damn and never have about the dignity of these men who served you and your country. My husband lost dignity after dignity until there was nothing left for him but a cashier's job we were desperate for. And finally, his health affected the marriage in sad or painful ways that neither of us knew how to deal with and he couldn't face. He had to wear a machine to breath in his sleep... he hated it and stopped. He simply lived in pain from all of it, he in silence and I in anger, hoping to see Sarah grow up. He kept saying it the last two months. Did he know? I begin to think he did.

And I lost sight of it buried beneath an ever increasing weight of responsibilities that had once been shared. I didn't understand what was happening since his back surgery three years ago. I was misdirected by pain medications prescribed by a pill pushing idiot. Pills that probably mask the symptoms of a heart crushed by disappointment and life.

If you know someone who had been on pain meds for more than a year without a serious illness, get help now. That is NOT normal. That is addiction and will kill them. Remind them that pain felt means they are alive. Pain unfelt is death. These medicines affect the heart. Sleep apnea is a death sentence. If you live with a snorer, stay awake and listen to the breathing. If they have brief periods where they stop breathing, get help now, even if you have to threaten divorce. It will kill them. And if they are diagnosed, do not allow pride to stop them from using the machine. If you love them, fight every step of the way. And pray.

The Raveled Sleeve of Care

Macbeth said that sleep knits "the raveled sleeve of care" but I am here to tell you that it isn't true. I'm so tired. I worked here at home all day and I'm as tired as I would have been had I gone to work.I was glad to be out of the office, but as for sleep, I doubt it will ever mend the tears in my soul.

I feel perfectly normal for a moment and then, I turn a corner, glimpse a photo, see a sock, open a drawer, open a door, smell a scent, remember a smile, or a shared joy and hordes of demons come screaming at me and snatch my breath away. I can only gasp, clutch the nearest support, and cover my face in a feeble attempt to hide from the slashes and taunts of memories. A torrent of pain washes over me and everything is twisted and foreign and I'm cast into a place I do not know and where no one knows me.

There is no name for this pain. No word is adequate to describe it. And no sinner ever felt such a weight of guilt, regret, and remorse.

Day 23

Another day ends. I took my meds when I got home and I am suitably numb to most things. I still feel but the panic attacks have abated and now it is just a hollow shell that remains.

The house is deathly quiet. I hear all the clocks ticking. There are two, one in my living room and one in my personal bathroom. I never noticed them before. This afternoon I had to take the battery out of Jerry's clock. It drove me crazy when he was alive. It taunts me now.

I also had to change the sound machine setting. Jerry and I always turned it on to ocean sounds at night to fall asleep to. I am now listening to rain. How stupid is that? I love the ocean sound but can't bear to listen to it. The thought of it brings back unbearable images.

I saw the counselor at 3 and ran over 15 minutes. Bet that cost a bundle. Mostly background information on me. Who I was, where I came from, who my family was, my education. How dysfunctional my family was and is. LOL, I always find that rather interesting to relate. People have such funny expressions when you shock them. Have I ever been depressed, in counseling, etc. Yes.

We discovered we had two mutual friends who were my teachers. And like every person who has ever gotten to know the real me says, he made the comment I believe I've come to consider an insult. "You're a survivor," he said. I told him I was tired of it because it was hard work. He agreed it was. I go back next Friday to see how I am faring and how the meds are working. Call if I feel crazy or something like that.

My sister left a pot of vegetable soup on the stove and I had a bowl when I got home. I watched television and fell asleep for about an hour. I have spent the last hour working on a puzzle that my uncle and I started before I went to Atlanta. Now, I think there is a piece missing. It worried me for some reason. It's a new puzzle but Mike had bought a sofa this week and put it in the den until he could get it to his place. He moved the table over with the puzzle on it. Today he moved the sofa out mussed the puzzle when he moved the table. So, I think the piece is lost as a result of that. I found one piece on a chair. I searched three times for the other piece and can't find it. So, I may not finish the thing.

I put away dishes my sister washed, talked to a fella from the funeral home who wanted to talk to me about pre-planning my own funeral. That's a bit unreal since I don't even have the insurance settled yet. But logic says it is the right thing to consider, in light of recent events.

Huh, logic. I suppose it returns eventually.

I just spent the last 45 minutes talking to Becca and Sarah.

Now, I'm going to get ready for bed. The day is finally over.

I don't know about tomorrow.

Passage of Days

Seems as if the days pass at the speed of a snail. I am muddling along on this new med but feel myself slipping farther and farther behind in my work. I have my appointment with a counselor at 3 p.m. today so we'll see how that goes.

I am going to try and take tomorrow off and take work home so I can just sit and review files. I won't have the forms I need but I can still review the files for missing items.

I get tired, I think, of people saying all the right things. They mean well. I'm not unaware of that. Yes, I know he's in a better place. But I want him here. I know he is not in pain. I didn't want him in pain but I wanted him better here. I wanted my life back. That's what I prayed for over and over. My life was with Jerry. It wasn't without him. I wanted to be able to go to the park on picnics, to the mountains on camping trips, to dinner, to church, to a ride along a country road or a tramp in the woods with him. I wanted all the things we had before he got sick. I want the person who knew all about me. Knew how stubborn I was, all my faults and the good things about me. . .if there were any. For a long time I don't think there have been any good things about me at all. There is no one left who knows me. I was 17 when we married. My links to my past are gone except for my aunt.

If I could just roll the clock back to January 27th with a chance to change even one day I think I could bear it.

A Personal Note

I wanted to come in before I conk out and say with as much lucidity as I have had for several weeks now that you are all a lifeline. Your emails, PM's, and comments are a sort of anchor to sanity and hope. I love you all for that. Do not give up on me, please. I really need you all. If I am not here from time to time, it is not because I don't want to be but because I simply can't find the words. And if I have not read all your posts, it is just because I find myself reading the same words over and over and not understanding them. I'm sorry. I always enjoy your blogs and this is hard for me. I feel disloyal to people who have become so special to me.

I went to the doctor today and asked them to give me a stronger medicine that would still allow me to work. They have given me Xanax and I am to try and see how it works. I fell apart on the way home... again. His suffering, I just keep remembering it and it is agony that I didn't, couldn't help him with it. My husband was suffering so much and I seemed to have missed it. I was so unfeeling but he never said, "I'm in pain. I'm not happy. I need help." When I remember, I want to die. As I drove home I could only cry and pray. I know God would not torment me in this way but my guilt is so overwhelming. Why did I stay so angry with him? Why did I not see what was happening? Why would he not tell me, confide in me? Did he think I didn't care?

Of course, Mike was waiting, as usual, to put his arms around me and just say, "It will be all right, Mom." For those who do not know my oldest son personally, we share a long history of heartache that I do not often share for his sake. Mike was born with learning disabilities, is deaf in one ear, and has some other problems. I believe he is an undiagnosed manic depressive. Our life together has been filled with wounds, struggle, rejection and great difficult with the world around him. He is often not understood or liked by most people he meets. But he is the most faithful and loyal son one could ever wish for. I always know Mike will be there when I am in trouble. He went and got the new med and I took it. And he has stayed here with me. He will go home at ten when his show goes off. Just having him in the house is enough comfort. Pray for my Mike. He struggles with daily living, selling blood to pay for his bills. But he never ask me for a single thing. My sister will stay with me when she gets off.

I'm tired now and will be going to bed, I think, when I finish this post. Something I couldn't do with the Ativan I was taking. It helped my sleep but I couldn't shut off my mind. I think the Xanax is helping a bit better tonight.

I am also scheduled to see a counselor on Thursday afternoon. They feel I will benefit from it and well, I just looked at the nurse practitioner and said, "Just tell me what to do." Not my usual mindset at all. Those of you who do know me, know that no one ever tells me what to do. Jerry knew that, too. I always know what to do. But I don't now. I've never been in this place.

When I got back to work after the doctor's appt, my wonderful boss, only a three years older than my son, talked with me. He felt I came back to work too soon but I told him I had no choice because of the money. He said he understood and wants to work out a work schedule that will give me some extra time to recover. If I need to take a two hour lunch I need only to let him know. He wants me to take a four day work week for a few weeks. I again pointed out I needed the money and it wasn't fair to him to allow my own work to fall behind. He said, "Don't worry about that. I'm going to pay you to be off. Besides, I know you won't take advantage of this. I know you'll work to make it up when you can."

If you read my past posts about my old boss you all know how this touched me. I remember praying that God would send me a good boss. I have to say I think he did. Pray for him because I would feel terrible if his kindness caused him any problem. I plan to bring work home to do this Friday. I think it would be good for me to be away from the office and have something to occupy my time. But he could get in serious trouble for paying me. When I mentioned this, he smiled and said, "I'm not worried about it."

To my new friend blicktx, thank you for your personal messages. They have been comforting and encouraging. Jilly was right, you are a great lady and I am glad to have met you.

I've some added others too during this time and you too have been a comfort. For those who have just popped in to be an encouragement, thank you for you kindness. I will eventually get by your sites to thank you properly.

This post sounds almost normal to me and I can't imagine where it is coming from except this med had relieved some of the anxiety, as it is meant to do. Part of me wants that and another part feels I should be suffering. My only concern is that I won't be able to get off this in a reasonable time. Again, those who know me know I am very anti-medication, particularly mood altering medications. For once, I think I'll forget that.

I"ll say good night now. And thank you all. I don't know when I'll be this sane again but I will post again soon.

Say I love you to those you love before you fall asleep tonight. Call them, long distance if you must. Look in their faces if possible and search below the surface. If you wake up in the night, kiss those close to you. You may never get another chance. Never assume everything is all right.

I forgot the one rule my grandmother taught me. Never let the sun go down on your wrath. Never go to bed angry. Never forget to say I love you before you sleep.

Will he ever forgive me? Will he know how very much I loved him? Will he ever know that I would have done anything to save him if he had only talked to me?

No Choices

My life is filled with them. They say we choose our lot in life. I can only remember one choice that was solely mine. Marrying Jerry, over protest from our families. Going to college in case I had to support us. Moving to this wasteland, the worst choice we ever made.

I don't remember any other choices I ever got to make. In fact, I could count the lack of choices and never reach the end. Things just were what they were and I had to deal with it. The latest is that I have to work. I don't have a choice in this. I can't survive at all if I don't. Jerry's income kept us afloat and gave us an ability to breath. Jerry's death has taken my ability to breath and the income that kept us afloat with it. I don't know what I'm going to do, or how I will manage. And for the first time in memory, I find that I don't actually care. It just doesn't matter much today.

I want to go home and sleep. I'm so tired. It's just noon and already I just want to sleep. I want to forget everything.

Home

I got in about 5 p.m. and unloaded the car. Mike left as soon as he got his car loaded and went home. So, I am here alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

At just that point my phone rang. My aunt called, then I called one of my college friends that had left a message while I was away. While on the phone with her, my brother Bill called. After I hung up, my brother-in-law called. So the last two hours were spent talking to people. I think that is my only salvation at the time.

I'm still alone and I think I will just get my bath and get ready for bed. I have to go to work tomorrow. I don't know how to do anything, it seems. I feel as if time has just stopped or is crawling by. Or maybe actually speeding by.

How very empty my home is. No one is here.

Away for a Few Days

I am leaving today for Atlanta. Mike is going to help me drive and because I can't be alone at this point. I will return either Sunday or Monday.

Thank you all for your prayers.

Three Weeks in Hell

I don't know if I'll ever get home without falling apart. I did manage to stay in control until I went to the pharmacy to pick up my refills. The pharmacy where Jerry worked for two years. When I got home I got Mike to go get us some supper. I sat down to send a note to someone and I so wanted to see him. So, I went to the memorial slide show. I don't think it is good for me to look at the memorial photos anymore. I shattered into a million pieces. All I could do was scream. If I'd been in public I'd have been so humiliated but I couldn't stop. I suppose it is good that my neighbors are so far away and I am the last house on a dead end street.

I am overwhelmed with guilt and I don't know how to stop. Every minute of that last day and the night up to the minute he died and my feeble attempts to do CPR play over and over. I see every thing, hear every word and sound. I see him shoveling the snow and smiling at me playing in it like a kid. I relive every unkind word, every hurtful thing I ever did to him, every time I yelled at him, every misunderstanding, every failure to grasp what was happening to him roars at me like a tidal wave and I am completely helpless to stop it. I hate myself. Not that's too mild a term. I despise myself. This man loved me beyond any thing I deserved and during the worst time of his life I failed him. I lost him because I didn't pay attention to the signs of heart failure. I KNOW this stuff! Do you hear me? I KNOW WHAT THOSE ARE. I SAW THEM! But I was so angry with him. He wouldn't do the things that helped him get better. He took pain killers. I now realize they were to stop the pain he didn't realize was heart pains. Why did that doctor now investigate where this pain was coming from?

My poor Mike, walked back in and found me. I think he nearly dropped our dinner. He did what he could and finally called my uncle. They want me to come there for a couple of days. So, I may drive to Atlanta tomorrow to spend the next several days with them. I have to be back to work on Tuesday. I think I'll have to take Mike with me because being alone is not good right now. I can't deal with the voices and the pictures in my mind. They're worse when I'm alone.

My sister, Phyllis, is here tonight. She is very sick, though, and I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. She has this terrible cold but she gets bronchitis very badly every year. She has no insurance at all so it is going to cost a mint but I can't let her stay sick like this.

I need to stop now. I'm very tired. I'm sorry this is so depressing. I'll try and do better next time.

An Empty House

I did not do well at work today. Around noon I just broke apart. I had to close my door and it was nearly half an hour before I recovered enough to finish the day.

I asked Mike to come over and be here when I got home so the house wouldn't seem so empty but before I ever got home I was sobbing so badly that I had to get control of myself so I could drive. Mike met me at the door and hug me and let me cry on his shoulder. Once I got back under control I took a hot shower and ate a pizza.

Over the weekend I had bought a lot of puzzles. I always loved doing them but have not in several years. My uncle likes them too and we spent several days working on puzzles. I realized it kept my mind occupied.So, I went and bought some. Tonight I tried putting together a puzzle my sister and uncle had started on Saturday. I have just cried for hours it seems and when I realized the puzzle had done all it could and I simply could no longer focus on it, I came to check my mail before going to bed.

I am simply exhausted. It is a tired I can't ever remember experiencing before. Every step is an effort, every thought a strain. Everyone keeps calling and checking on me and that is nice to know. I just don't know what to say. Are you all right? No. I exist.

Let me say all you that have stopped and expressed your concern and offered your prayers, I am so very grateful and I do read them. They have let me know that there are people praying and at the moment, I don't have much else going for me. So, thank you for both prayers and compassion. I wish I could hug you all.

I'm going to bed now. I just can't really think anymore tonight.

Back to Work

I went back to work to day to be greeted with mounds of paperwork. It was depressing and almost overwhelming. I had to leave early to meet with the Social Security Administration regarding a death benefit they pay toward burial cost. It is small but every dollar helps.

I'm just getting ready for bed. My aunt, uncle and sister, Roselynn are all still here. They have all caught that awful cold I had. I had a relapse after Jerry died and had to get antibiotics. Tonight they all are taking antibiotics.

Everyone has been very kind and my family had just been wonderful. My brothers have been calling nearly every day and though I have missed their calls at times, I am so touched that they have shown their concern. During the worst days of my life, they surrounded me and that was the greatest blessing to me. They are not all living for God but they are such wonderful brothers and sisters. I love them all so much.

I am . . . moving forward. I can't say improving. I can't say coping. I don't think either word conveys what I feel. I am in a fog moving forward, hands extended and praying that somewhere ahead is something solid that will give me stability. There are moments that I wish I could reach out and there he would be. I'd grab his hand and cling for life. But I feel him moving farther away each day. I can't describe this. There is a growing void, a hollowness. I say sometimes, "Jerry, please come home." He can't, of course, but I want him to come home.

At 9:30 p.m. last night no one had to tell me what time it was. I asked my sister, "It's 9:30, isn't it?" She nodded. I said, "I thought so." It was time to pick him up from work.

Everyone says the same things to me. I understand but they are so meaningless. It will get better. You'll feel better. But I feel as if I am simply moving through that fog.

I'm really tired tonight and I am going to go to bed. I have been unable to get some of the images out of my head and sleep has not been good some nights. I am certified in CPR and first aid but I have to tell you that never, ever, ever, ever will I administer CPR again. I am required to be certified at my job but I will never use it again. It was the most terrible experience I've ever had and I am unable to shut out the memories of that night.

Pray for me. I know that God is with me. I know he cares. I know he is watching over me. I just can't move another step because I don't know what direction to move in.

What Do I Say?

I am stopping in to thank all my friends here who have sent their condolences over the past two weeks. I don't know what I can say to any of you. I am so very sad that there are no words to express it and I can't think of anything I to say. What does one say in moments like this? And where does one go from here? I am so lost and confused. I just want him to come home. I want to wake up and find it is all a very bad dream..